Conflicts in the family are a fairly common phenomenon today. Conflict can be considered an ordinary feature of social institutions; it is inevitable and inevitable. That is why conflict should be considered as a natural part of family life. It should be accepted as one of the manifestations of natural human interaction, since not in all situations it can have a destructive effect on a couple. In some cases, conflicts, on the contrary, are one of the core processes that serve to preserve the whole.
The main value of conflicts is considered to be that they work to prevent the ossification of the system and open the way to new formations and progress in relationships. Conflict is a kind of stimulus that leads to transformation; it is a challenge that requires a creative response.
Causes of conflicts in the family
Many people who get married quite often do not realize that family relationships are not only about living together and having children, but also about the ability and desire to care for and understand each other, and to give happiness.
So, for what reasons does psychological conflict arise in the family? A conflict situation is a clash of opposing and sometimes hostile needs, positions, views, opinions, interests. There are several common typical reasons that provoke conflict situations in almost any family. These include:
- completely different views on life together;
- unmet needs;
- adultery;
- drunkenness of one of the partners;
- lack of respect between partners for each other;
- non-participation in everyday life and raising children;
- selfishness of spouses;
- excessive jealousy, etc.
The listed reasons for the emergence of conflict situations in family life are by no means all the possible reasons that can cause quarrels between partners. Most often, in the joint life of the weak and strong half of humanity, conflict situations are caused by several reasons simultaneously. Therefore, all conflicts should be divided into two types, each of which depends on the method by which they are resolved.
The first type is creative, which consists of a certain level of tolerance towards each other, endurance, and refusal of humiliation and insults. Creative conflicts include a search for the causes of conflict situations, mutual readiness and the ability to conduct dialogue, and an attempt to modify existing relationships. The result of creative conflicts will be established, friendly relations between partners. The main result of such conflicts is constructive dialogue. The saying that truth is born in a dispute can rightfully be applied to such communication.
A destructive psychological conflict in a family consists of countless insults, humiliation by spouses of each other, the desire to offend a partner, teach a lesson or blame him. The result of such conflicts is a loss of mutual respect. And communication between them is transformed into an obligation, a duty, and most often an unpleasant, aggravating one, which leads to the breakdown of the family.
It should be noted that most conflicts of a destructive nature arise as a result of incorrect female behavior. Women are much more likely than men to try to spite them, try to take revenge on their partners and teach them a lesson. This is due to the high emotionality and sensitivity of the weak half of humanity. And also with the established role of women in family life today, which has long no longer satisfied women’s needs, ambitions and aspirations.
Therefore, we can identify the following main reasons for the emergence of conflicts in the family:
- the desire of one or both partners to realize in marriage, first of all, their own, personal needs;
- unsatisfied need for self-realization and self-affirmation;
- inability of partners to communicate constructively with each other, with friends, relatives, comrades, acquaintances and work colleagues;
- excessively developed material aspirations in one of the spouses or both at the same time;
- reluctance of one of the partners to participate in family life and housekeeping;
- inflated self-esteem of one of the partners;
- discrepancy between parenting methods or views on parenting of one of the partners;
- lack of desire on the part of one of the partners to raise children;
- differences in spouses' judgments about the essence of the roles of wife, mother, husband, father, head of the family;
- divergence of views on the role of a woman or a man in family life;
- unreasonable and empty expectations;
- misunderstanding, which results in a reluctance to engage in joint dialogue or constructively interact with each other;
- different types of temperament among partners;
- inability or unwillingness to consider temperament types;
- intimate neglect, excessive jealousy or betrayal of one of the spouses;
- material disadvantage or domestic unsettlement;
- differences in spiritual, moral and value guidelines;
- bad habits and their associated consequences.
There are also private reasons related to the characteristics of a particular family.
Specific steps
Think about what actions you can take to influence the situation. What exactly can you do to make it easier for you?
Artem and his mother
Artem and his mother have always had a tense relationship. Having moved to a separate apartment, Artem began to distance himself even more from his mother and quite harshly suppressed her attempts to make contact. At the same time, he felt guilty, but he did not have enough strength to clarify their chronic conflict.
After some time, he decided that he would openly tell his mother about his reluctance to communicate with her and ask her not to call him. And whatever the reaction, he was determined to keep his boundaries. He felt that staying away for a while would help him internally work out his attitude towards his mother.
Conflicts in a young family
In order to minimize the likelihood of conflicts arising in newly formed families of a destructive nature and to answer the question “how to avoid conflicts in the family,” both partners must have the proper level of motivational, moral, social, psychological and pedagogical readiness.
Moral and social readiness represents civic maturity. The criteria for civic maturity are age, education, profession, level of morality, health and economic independence. The most favorable age for marriage from a medical point of view is considered to be 20-22 years for the female part of the population and 23-28 for the male part, since the male body reaches full maturity later than the female one.
Also an important point that helps the successful adaptation of spouses in marriage is the ratio of their ages. The fragility of family relationships, in the overwhelming majority, is observed in families where the woman is older than the man. The strength of a marriage depends on the difference in the ages of the partners. The older the people entering into a marriage, the more years the man must be older than the woman. In this case, the maximum difference in the ages of partners should not exceed 12 years.
The level of morality of young individuals is one of the most important factors in their readiness to marry and start a family. Developed morality is manifested in the newlyweds’ awareness of the social significance of the family, a thoughtful choice of the chosen one, a serious attitude towards marriage, a sense of responsibility for the family, full respect for the future spouse, his relatives, responsiveness, and communication with them.
The readiness and well-being of family relationships has a significant dependence on the health status of individuals entering into marriage. A healthy lifestyle contributes to the development of spirituality and moral culture of the individual, strengthening family relationships, maintaining friendly and respectful relationships with the surrounding society, and also helps the individual much more easily cope with psycho-emotional difficulties and resist stressful situations that often arise in family life.
Numerous studies have shown that the criterion of housing security and material well-being does not directly affect family stability. However, poor housing and material conditions can often intensify conflict situations that arise due to other reasons. Motivational readiness combines love, as the main motive for creating a family, a sense of responsibility for the family, readiness for independence, giving birth to and raising children, and forming them into self-sufficient individuals.
Psychological readiness consists in the presence of developed communication skills, unity of positions or similarity of views on social and family life, the ability to create a morally and psychologically healthy climate in relationships, constancy of character and feelings, and strong-willed personal qualities. The family atmosphere in which the future spouses were born and raised, for the most part, determines how the fate of the young family will develop in the future, whether it will break up or not.
Pedagogical readiness includes pedagogical literacy, intimate education, economic and economic skills. Pedagogical literacy of individuals entering into marriage presupposes knowledge about the patterns of children's formation and methods of raising them, and skills in caring for children. Household and economic skills imply the ability to plan and distribute a family budget, organize leisure time, create comfort, and establish a daily life.
Sexual education consists of acquiring the necessary knowledge about sexual relationships between partners and the intimate aspects of an individual’s life, and how to preserve one’s love.
Prevention of conflicts in the family includes certain preparation of individuals for living together.
There are practically no families without conflicts, especially young ones. After all, a person is in constant conflict even with himself. Conflict situations in family relationships can be completely different. They occur between spouses, children, and generational conflicts in the family are also common.
When do you need help from a psychologist?
How to resolve the conflict that has arisen? The first step is recognizing the problem. But even when the reason for the dispute is completely clear and there is an idea of how to get out of the crisis, many couples cannot come to a compromise.
Often, participants in a conflict see the situation one-sidedly and are not ready to see/hear/understand another point of view. Sometimes it requires the participation of a third, disinterested person who can take an unbiased look at different points of view and convey them to each of the partners. These are not moms, dads and friends, but a professional psychologist.
When it becomes clear that all conflicts in a relationship cannot be resolved on their own, it is better for the couple to turn to a specialist.
Conflicts between children in the family
Conflict situations that arise in families between children are a fairly common phenomenon. Almost all families face this problem after the birth of their second baby. Children conflict with older or younger brothers and sisters in order to try to defend their own position and attract the attention of adults and win them over to their side.
As a rule, parents always intervene in conflicts between children, trying to reconcile them. However, often this only makes the situation worse. Parents think they have solved the problem, but in reality, children simply stop quarreling in their presence. This happens because the true cause of the conflicts has not been found, as a result of which it is not possible to resolve the conflict.
Frequent causes of children's conflicts are the struggle for leadership among other children, position in the family, and also for the attention of adults. Quarrels between children in the family serve as a so-called indicator of family relationships. If they happen often, it means that not all is well in family relationships. Moreover, the dysfunction of family relationships is expressed not only in frequent quarrels between children, but also between the parents themselves. Generational conflicts in the family are also a clear indicator of dysfunctional relationships.
However, you should not be upset by conflict situations. After all, they are inevitable. Conflicts occur even in the happiest families. However, they pass and are resolved in different ways.
You should not try to explain frequent children's quarrels by character traits or hereditary aggression of children. After all, the behavior of children, basically, is directly dependent on the specific circumstances and methods of education applied to them by their parents.
Prevention of conflicts in the family that arise between children consists of adults ignoring them. After all, in most cases, the cause of children’s conflicts lies in the so-called work “in public.” And if such a “public” is absent or does not react, then the conflict itself is ineffective. Therefore it doesn't make sense.
Naturally, it is quite difficult for parents to remain indifferent and not intervene when their children quarrel. Most adults are simply convinced that if they do not intervene, children will definitely hurt each other. Therefore, they try to reconcile the warring parties, often without delving into the reasons for such hostility. Very often the older child is left to blame. So, the only solution to conflicts in the family that occur between children is to ignore them. If you are still afraid that children may harm each other, then take away dangerous objects from them and let them solve the problem on their own. Only in the rarest cases are children capable of deliberately causing harm to each other, because this is not their goal. They just want to attract the attention of adults by involving them in their own quarrels.
Resolving conflicts in the family
The constructiveness of resolving conflicts between spouses is directly dependent, first of all, on whether there is understanding between them, whether they are guided in their life together by behavior that is based on the ability to forgive and give in.
The main condition for a constructive conclusion to a controversial dialogue is to under no circumstances seek victory over each other. After all, victory is unlikely to be considered a personal achievement if it comes at the expense of defeat or offending a loved one. In any conflict, you need to remember that your partner is worthy of respect.
How to avoid conflicts in the family between spouses? You need to understand that conflicts are an inseparable part of family life, just like communication, everyday life, leisure, etc. Therefore, conflict situations should not be avoided, but rather tried to be resolved constructively. If quarrels arise, you should adhere to a constructive dialogue using reasoned facts, without using categoricalness, claims, generalizations and maximalism. There is no need to involve strangers or family members in conflicts if they do not directly concern them. It should be understood that a favorable climate in the family depends only on the behavior, goals and desires of the spouses, and not on other individuals. Strangers can become a catalyst or detonator of destructive conflict rather than a helping mechanism.
Conflicts in the family are resolved in various ways, which lead to both the improvement of relationships and their destruction. One of the ways to resolve conflicts that leads to family breakdown is divorce. According to many psychologists, divorce is preceded by a process that includes three stages. The first stage is an emotional divorce, which manifests itself in cooling, indifference of partners to each other, loss of trust and loss of love. The next stage is physical divorce, which results in separation. The final stage is considered a legal divorce, which implies legal registration of the termination of the marriage.
Many couples are so tired of endless quarrels and conflicts that they see the only solution to the problem - divorce. For some, it really is a deliverance from unfriendliness, hostility, enmity, deception and other negative aspects that darken life. However, it also has its negative consequences, which will be different for society, the divorcees themselves and their children.
A woman is considered more vulnerable during a divorce, since she is much more susceptible to neuropsychiatric disorders. For children, the negative consequences of divorce will be much more significant compared to the consequences for adults. After all, the child thinks that he is losing one of his parents or blames himself for the divorce.
