Family quarrels, what are their causes and how to resolve conflicts

“A house (kingdom) divided within itself cannot stand.” (Bible. New Testament)

According to statistics, family psychologists are usually addressed with the problem of infidelity. The second most common reason is frequent quarrels in the family. Moreover, not only husband and wife quarrel, but also children and parents, brothers and sisters, and other relatives, of whom there are sometimes too many gathered under one roof.

Because of this, marriages often collapse, the closest people stop communicating or even become irreconcilable enemies. This is fundamentally wrong, because at a difficult moment, friends may turn away, a loved one may leave, colleagues may not understand, and then only those with whom you are connected by blood or Hymen will remain.

What are family quarrels - a natural release of adrenaline or a destructive evil? Despite the ambiguity of the problem, psychologists specializing in it have a clear answer to this question.

Causes of family conflicts and quarrels

The specific causes of conflict in each family are different, but here are the possible ones.

Poor communication. Lack of communication between couples often leads to misunderstandings. Constant criticism, complaints, accusations, sarcasm arise when couples are unable to express themselves correctly. Sometimes during conflicts, a simple “I’m sorry” can solve everything.
Jealousy and insecurity. A jealous spouse will always create panic, even if there is no reason for this. A mentally unstable partner is likely to express his feelings of fear, depression, and insecurity through creating conflicts in the home. (I advise you to find out what you can do when your man is very jealous of you).
Infidelity. This is one of the main causes of conflict in the home. This also includes flirting with strangers or work colleagues; close and frequent communication with a former partner can lead to scandals in the family. Therefore, if you want peace and tranquility in your home, it is best to remain faithful.
Confusion about roles. Conflicts arise in a family when there is no clear division of roles that each family member should perform. Therefore, children give orders to their parents, wives take leadership in the family, and husbands ask permission from their wives even in small things.
Problems with money. From disputes over inheritance to disagreements over who will pay for aging parents, family holidays or utilities. Family financial conflict is at the top of the list of causes of family quarrels. (Find out what you need to do when you don’t have enough money for living and food).
Losses. The death of a family member or another very dear person, as well as the loss of a business, job, or some privileges or opportunities. In many cases, such losses leave the person angry, frustrated, or apathetic, leading to frequent family conflicts.
Unsolved problems of the past. Past family disputes that remain unresolved turn into hidden tension or resentment. This, in turn, gives rise to suspicion, sarcasm, hostility, mistrust...

The most common and main causes of scandals and quarrels in the family

The birth of the first child and any subsequent children.
Sending a child to school.
Misunderstandings with adolescents and the transition of young people into adulthood.
Disagreements over the type of child discipline cause family quarrels.
Lack of consistency in disciplining children. When one of the parents punishes and the other protects, one limits something, the other allows everything.
When a parent singles out one child over another, making the first a favorite, but does not notice the second. This only intensifies the conflict.
Sibling rivalry can cause conflict situations.
Separation or divorce.
Moving to a new home, city or school.
Family members have different beliefs or points of view.
When spouses misunderstand each other, and misunderstandings lead to erroneous assumptions and subsequent arguments and shouting.
Lack of understanding for your significant other's homework. For example, a man thinks that women’s work is less hard than men’s or is less noticeable. Such an incorrect assessment of women's work leads to conflicts in the family.
Diseases. If someone in the family is sick, many conflicts arise, especially when it is a serious pathology that requires constant assistance (attention, effort and time).
Alcoholism or drug addiction on the part of one of the parents or children. This has negative consequences for the family and will bring many problems and quarrels to the family.
A man's inability or unwillingness to take responsibility in making decisions.
Psychological violence against family members.
The wife’s desire for independence from her husband, his ignoring or ridiculing of dominance.
Family/friend intervention. Not everyone is willing to tolerate interference from friends or family in their family relationships. If you seek the opinion of outsiders to solve a problem in your marriage, this may anger the other partner, which will lead to conflict in the home.
Bad intimacy. When a woman begins to feel distant from her partner. For example, problems arise with sexual intimacy, sex becomes a boring routine, then this can cause family quarrels.

At each of these stages there are countless opportunities for conflict.

A special case

Pregnancy. While a woman is carrying a baby, dramatic changes can occur in her appearance, and this also applies to her character under the influence of hormones. A girl must be able to control her emotions so as not to irritate her husband with unnecessary whims.
Birth of a baby. If conflicts began after the appearance of the toddler, then you need to tie your spouse to the process of education and help around the house. A woman should not completely deprive her husband of intimate life; she must remember his needs.
Parting. Sometimes a couple breaks up to understand everything, to understand whether it is worth living together. During such periods, it is important to remind your spouse of all the good things that connected you, so that he can make the right decision.
Divorce. Be sure to thank your partner for his patience and understanding, despite regular conflicts. Remember the happy moments of your life together. Apologize and leave the other doormat alone with her thoughts. It is possible that the spouse will decide to return to the family.
Cheating husband. It is possible to improve relationships if the man sincerely repents and the wife is able to give him a second chance.
Cheating wife. Such a female act destroys male self-esteem. The husband begins to look for problems in his sexual or financial insolvency. In very rare cases, a man is able to forgive his woman.

Why are family conflicts and quarrels dangerous for their participants?

According to a study published on verywellmind.com, it was shown that conflict in relationships can have a negative impact on health. It may make you more susceptible to infectious diseases such as colds and flu. Some people also experience stress-related chronic pain, such as headaches, back pain, or neck pain.
With frequent conflicts between partners or within the family and associated stress, increased sensitivity to physical pain in the chest or even numbness may develop. [1]
Family quarrels affect children's academic performance and self-esteem. The worst consequences for children occur after separation, when parents use the child to express their anger and hostility. Children who find themselves in the middle of their parents' discord are more likely to be angry, stressed, depressed or anxious, and have a poor relationship with their parents. [2]
Research findings showed that adolescents who reported severe marital conflict made more risky decisions that affected their family. And teenagers, who rarely have family quarrels and scandals, made fewer risky decisions. When making decisions, they change their behavior when their risks affect their family. [3]
Family conflicts and discord disrupt the basic psychological needs of adolescents. They are directly related to the adolescent's antisocial behavior and certain aspects of his aggression, namely hostility, physical aggression and anger. [4]
Frequent scandals in the family affect the emotional development of children. Due to family quarrels and scandals, children's brains develop differently, forcing the child to be constantly on alert. This can lead to post-traumatic stress syndrome, anxiety or depression. [5]
Children may blame themselves for the conflict, thinking, “I made Mommy and Daddy fight. I am responsible." This feeling of guilt can undermine children's self-esteem and lead to depression, especially if they are unable to stop their parents' arguments. [6]
Other most common consequences of family conflicts are tension in the family between partners, children and parents, and loss of couple stability. (I recommend that you learn the signs and consequences of a toxic relationship with your husband).

What not to do

You can’t insult a man or point out his inadequacy

Remember once and for all that you cannot resort to personal name-calling.
Never express your dissatisfaction with your partner about his shortcomings, especially at the moment of a quarrel. If you really don't like something about him, tell him about it in a calm atmosphere, but don't reproach or humiliate the person for not being perfect.
Never talk about domestic conflicts to your friends and relatives.
It is unacceptable to start quarreling in the presence of children - this has a negative impact on their psyche.
Never compare your partner to anyone else, especially your exes.
There is no need to shout during a quarrel. This way you will throw out even more negativity and cause aggression in your partner.
Never quarrel in the presence of strangers so that strangers witness your conflicts.
It is unacceptable to insult your partner’s parents during family quarrels.
Do not use your significant other’s personal secrets as blackmail.
You cannot start a quarrel under the pretext that you had unsuccessful sex. This will greatly affect his self-esteem, can deeply hurt him and will have an even worse impact on his sex life.

10 ways to properly resolve family conflicts

Keep calm

Increasing anger leads to conflict. When we are angry, most of us stop listening to the other person to understand his feelings. Instead we start arguing. While the ability to remain calm is important for managing conflict.

So when a family fight breaks out, everyone should stop and take a step back to cool down a bit before continuing the conversation. Remember that anger is never constructive and often only leads to further attacks.

Listen to understand

In most conflicts, listening is used only to formulate a counterargument to refute the argument of the person in front of us.

When a couple starts arguing and making trouble, the first thing they do is stop listening. The only way to solve the problem is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying and try to understand why he is saying it.

What can be done in practice?

Don't interrupt the discussion. Let everyone complete their thoughts and listen to them with respect.
If you are interrupted, calmly remind your loved one that you have given/will give them the opportunity to express their thoughts after you have spoken. When a couple takes turns calmly speaking out, then it is easier for them to understand mutual feelings.
Actively listen to what your partner says and means.
Remember that listening to someone and acknowledging their side does not mean obeying or giving in to them. It is simply part of respect and fairness, and no real conflict can ever be successfully resolved without it. This is the most positive way to end an argument.
Make sure you understand your life partner by asking questions. (Learn how to effectively deal with wife problems that arise in a couple's relationship).

Emphasize the positive

It is important to find or create some points of contact between yourself and your interlocutor. Showing empathy and a positive attitude immediately puts people at ease.

Avoid Blame to Stop Family Fights

When it comes to resolving conflict, blaming is only useful if we somehow admit our guilt ourselves. Otherwise, finding out who is at fault does nothing and does not fix the problem. If a person feels guilty, they will likely walk away from the conversation.

How to apply this advice?

Never use the words: “you always, forever, never, of course, again.” These words are provocateurs of family quarrels and conflicts, so to speak - “the tactics of a punishing person.” Therefore, the marriage partner will definitely want to justify himself and prove you wrong by any means.

Whereas the best way to resolve confrontation is to focus on your partner's feelings rather than pointing fingers at each other.

Attack the problem, not the person

Try to determine the essence of the problem that caused family quarrels. Once marriage partners clearly identify the problem, they can begin to work on fixing it. If you do not acknowledge the existence of a problem or avoid discussing it, then successful conflict resolution becomes impossible.

What will help you do this?

Separate the person from the problem. Try to look at the essence of the matter objectively and discuss the problem rather than getting personal. Understand that the goal is to resolve the conflict, not win the battle.
Remember that often in homes where there are unresolved problems, any little thing can turn into an explosion.
Instead of blaming your marriage partner with “I’m hurt,” rather than “you hurt me.” The word “you” provokes defense, and the word “me” provokes defense.

Don't try to solve family quarrels by shouting.

By resolving conflicts by shouting, spouses do not stop the quarrel, but only acquire psychosomatic diseases. It is impossible to resolve a conflict when people shout at each other.

Because, when shouting and swearing, people usually touch upon not only the topic of disagreement, but also remind each other of various grievances that occurred last year. Thus, resolving family conflicts comes down to saying a lot of hurtful words.

How to put this advice into practice?

Maintain an even, calm tone and speak in a normal voice that is clear and reasonable.
Respect the other person's point of view. Accept that your partner has the right to disagree with your reasons.
State your point of view clearly and honestly.
Try to find common ground.
When you feel your irritation rising, take a deep breath and try to say the right words in a way that resolves the problem rather than increasing the level of conflict.
Remember that yelling increases stress levels and makes your partner defensive. All decisions happen after people calm down and talk calmly.
When screaming, each marriage partner triggers a defensive reaction. He completely turns off his perception and hears practically nothing of what others say.

Present your arguments tactfully

Tactfulness is critical to resolving any conflict, not just family conflict. The main thing here is to help your life partner understand your point of view on the problem, without offending or defending anyone.

To do this, it is very important to be able to restrain yourself. Sometimes you just need to be able to remain silent or avoid conflict. This may disarm the other person and make them more inclined to listen to us.

What can you do?

To avoid a quarrel, it is better to take a walk and freshen up in the air, this will help cool down and relieve irritation. Try discussing controversial topics on neutral territory. For example, you can go for a walk or go to a cafe. Having changed the situation and restrained themselves within the bounds of decency, the couple can talk calmly.
Try to switch your mood to another activity or thought. This will help stabilize the situation and calm the outrage.
Ask questions to make sure you understand other people's concerns, objections, ideas, and views. Allow them to ask you questions for the same reason and answer honestly without getting defensive.
When talking, focus on the future, not the past. There is a solution in the present and in the future. So try to focus not on what went wrong or who should have done something. And on what can be done to resolve both present and future conflicts.

(We recommend that you read 20 rules of family happiness that help strengthen relationships and avoid family quarrels and conflicts).

Get ready for collaboration

Having found out what the possible causes of your marital conflicts are, determine for each family member specific steps that need to be taken to solve the problem.

What can and should be done for this?

Brainstorm together and find areas where compromise can be reached.
Try to reach a consensus on what solution will best resolve your conflict.
To do this, be prepared to concede something to your partner, and also agree to speak openly on a pressing issue.
Make sure everyone knows the solution. When you find it, make sure everyone is happy with it and is willing to stick with it.
If necessary, write it down as a “contract.”

Set ground rules for resolving family conflicts

Usually the first impulse of a quarreling couple is to declare that they are right and win the quarrel at any cost. Finding a peaceful solution can be difficult, if not impossible, when both sides stubbornly hold their own. Therefore, it is useful for everyone in the family to know and adhere to clear rules for resolving family scandals.

These rules include:

Do not drag other, unrelated or previously unresolved problems or feelings into the current conflict.
Focus on the issue at hand, otherwise the conflict that arises will expand beyond the misunderstanding and affect other issues instead of moving towards resolution.
Place a ban on mentioning and involving parents or relatives, their physical characteristics, qualities, and shortcomings in family quarrels.
A ban on insulting each other with obscene or offensive words, defects in figure, qualities.
Set yourself a ban on threatening each other with divorce or breaking off relations in the heat of a family quarrel.
When sorting out relationships, avoid “theatrics” in words and behavior.
Don't manipulate feelings. Many women believe that it is possible to stop a quarrel by crying. A man cannot stand women’s tears, so he will try to stop the quarrel by apologizing or simply remaining silent. Sometimes this works, but you should not abuse it, so as not to make a man insensitive. (I advise you to learn more about how women manipulate men).

Consider the time

Try to avoid discussing differences or trying to resolve family conflict when you and your partner are tired, stressed, or not feeling well. If you want to get the most out of the conversation and come to an effective solution, you both need to be in the right frame of mind physically and mentally.

If you start discussing something difficult with your partner and find yourself becoming too angry, depressed or tired to continue, take a break from the argument. Resume the discussion when you both have had a chance to rest and regroup.

Parents. Models of love

Parents shape their children's future love affairs from birth. The way you grow and the environment in which you develop influence how you perceive, feel and give love.

On the one hand, we learn about love from our parents, on the other hand, this is part of the power that parents receive. Whether we move towards the model of love that we adopted from our parents or move away from it, it is always their model from which we are forced to build.

In one case, a mother instilled in her daughter that she should always have a man in her life. And this forced her to constantly be in relationships, even if they were not healthy. In another family, a young woman was spoiled with gifts from her father as a child and always expected her partners to express their love in the same way. Of course, since the partner was not ready for this, it almost destroyed their relationship.

So the point is that while you can't change the way your parents influenced you as a child, by keeping this in mind you can decide how you will act as an adult to maintain healthy, lasting relationships .

Prevention of family conflicts

Let's look at the most common ways to prevent family conflicts that arise in the family. Here are 11 prevention methods that will help reduce family conflicts.

Formation of psychological and pedagogical culture, knowledge of the basics of family relationships (primarily, this applies to spouses).
Raising children taking into account their individual psychological and age characteristics, as well as their emotional state.
Formation of family traditions, development of mutual assistance, mutual responsibility, trust and respect.
Creating an atmosphere of trust in the family, where everyone can express their emotions, opinions and interests without fear or shame.
Formation of a culture of communication. Listen first, speak later. This is a good rule of communication, which largely prevents conflicts and quarrels in the family.
Set clear expectations for each other in your relationship and communication. Never assume that family members know what you want.
Make time for family. When your schedule looks like the train schedule in a metropolis, then this is fertile ground for conflicts. Create some extra time for your family by leaving some empty space on your calendar to spend time together or just relax.
Watch your tone and volume. Sometimes family scandals arise not because of what we say, but because of how we say it. Learn to speak to family members in a calm, respectful tone, even if you are tired or upset.
Quickly forgive and forget. Don't lash out at mistakes your family members make. Don't criticize, complain or blame them. Chances are they know what they did wrong and they already feel bad enough.
Use a sense of humor and positive thinking. If you can, use a joke to relieve tension.
Try to find activities for your children that involve cooperation rather than competition. Create games in which children must cooperate rather than compete to achieve a goal.

I advise you to read the 6 main qualities in the psychology of family relationships.

Final words on family quarrels

Conflicts and family quarrels, unfortunately, are inevitable. They will always occur in relationships between people with different expectations. But conflicts can be avoided by taking the right steps in an argument to defuse anger and facilitate communication. And disputes that arise can be resolved by knowing the correct ways to resolve them.

In this article, we've looked at some key tips that can help you avoid scandals and resolve family disputes in the early stages, before they escalate into complex battles. Applying these tips requires patience, and in some cases even changing our behavior or limiting beliefs that we have deeply ingrained, but it is worth it.

Watch the video 12 ways to resolve conflicts.

Source
[1][2][3][4][5][6]

Tips for your husband

The stronger sex often splashes out on their life partner the tension that accumulates at work. Any oversight on the part of the chosen one can increase irritation and turn into a quarrel. To avoid conflicts in the evenings, you need to come home in high spirits . When you open the door, forget about all your work problems, try not to think about the unpleasant situations that happened during the day. The spouse is not to blame for these problems, she was waiting for you and counting on a pleasant evening.

In addition, men can accumulate grievances for a long time, and then at one point they splash them out. Such tactics only ruin relationships. If you love your wife and treat her with respect, tell her about your experiences . Perhaps she doesn’t even realize that she has offended you in some way, and when the conflict begins, she will be very surprised by the accusations.

Relationship problems - psychology

A family is a small social group in which the interests of different people meet.

As in any community, a certain hierarchy is built in it.

If two or more people try to seize power, then conflicts will certainly arise . A woman's attempts to dominate also sooner or later become the cause of quarrels.

Family development goes through stages and crises, as in any social group. Conflicts are especially acute during periods of crisis , and whether the family remains intact depends on how correctly and harmoniously they are overcome.

Divorces most often occur during periods of crisis, since at this time emotions are most intense, and affection weakens.

Young people getting married are still at the stage of inspiration and passion; it seems to them that feelings will last forever. But the romantic period passes, everyday life sets in , financial problems arise, and harmony is destroyed.

The family teaches patience and mutual assistance, but if this is not the case, its members will feel unhappy, lonely and dissatisfied with life.

Many families are forced to live for several generations under one roof , this creates certain problems and inconveniences.

Younger people lead an active lifestyle, while older ones need peace.

When living space is scarce, conflicts are much more likely to arise.

Festive dinners.

Despite the joy they are supposed to bring, the holidays can be some of the saddest days of the year. Spending the entire day as a large family can be exhausting in itself, but the holidays especially can cause problems in relationships. You may feel like you want to spend the holidays with your close friend, but his family may resent him for giving his time and attention to you. They may host holiday dinners and insist on their child being with them alone rather than bringing you along, and you may actually feel like you have to share their time with them.

For a growing couple, the holidays are an opportunity to be alone, to get closer and enjoy each other. But when the couple separates, they are denied this opportunity. Spending time with each other's families only comes naturally when the couple becomes more involved in the larger family, and if your partner's parents try to prevent this, then it means they don't approve of you or don't consider you important enough to participate in family interactions .

This can definitely create tension and disrupt communication with your partner.

The requirement to see each other often

Couples need time to be alone and strengthen their relationship, especially if they work. However, this valuable time may be invaded by parents who decide to take over your care. For example, if you live nearby, your partner's mother may start bringing groceries or prepared meals to your house every few days, or her father may show up unannounced to fix a leak in the sink he saw last time. Either way, you just can't get rid of them. They may appear on odd days and odd hours when you're really preoccupied with intimacy issues.

So why do parents do this? This is a manifestation of overprotection and the need to be close. They would like to monitor your relationship, or prevent certain things from happening in your relationship, such as frequent sex. Whatever their reason for hanging up, this intrusiveness can be extremely annoying. Not feeling like you have enough freedom can make you feel suffocated, and this may be enough to make you want to leave the relationship.

Manipulation with money

Money can be a huge factor in romantic relationships. Lack of money and constant financial difficulties put a lot of pressure on people. But money can be just as problematic in your relationship thanks to parental involvement. For example, if a girl's parents continue to give her (and, by extension, you) money (even as a loan), they can thus control your relationship. Money is a big plus that parents use to interfere with independent relationships, although they do not always do it maliciously. But sometimes they do. They give you money, or provide you with housing and say: “As long as I support you, I will decide what you do and how you live.” Financial interference can lead to other types of interference that affect your lifestyle as a couple. This can create puppet strings for you that your partner's parents pull to direct your life as they see fit. The quickest and best solution to this problem is to find a way to adequately support yourself without parental help. There are many aspects in which a person must be independent to make a romantic relationship independent, and financial independence is one of them. If you don't want to be in a position where you are beholden to your potential in-laws, then self-sufficiency is key.

Bad habits

In addition to the fact that bad habits such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. destroy health and relationships, they slowly and surely ruin the family. Read the topic: 20+ simple habits that will make you richer and more successful 16 habits of the poor What would you change if you could go back 10-20 years? Reader Poll Results!