Weather in the house: how to resolve family conflicts

In relationships between a man and a woman, the situation is not always cloudless. Conflicts happen in almost every couple - it is impossible to constantly coincide in moods and desires. But even with the periodic intensity of passions, it is quite possible to maintain a happy “long-lasting” relationship. The main thing is to learn to resolve disagreements in a timely and correct manner.

So, what are the reasons why couples fight? How to maintain harmony in the family, having gone through all the crises together and without turning the relationship into a battlefield? The answers are in our article.

Features of family conflicts

Family conflicts are confrontations between family members based on a clash of opposing views and/or motives. [1] This dry definition does not convey even a small fraction of the emotions that a couple experiences when solving certain problems in a relationship. Anger, resentment, acute feelings of guilt, irritation - these are the feelings that often “rule the show” when two people quarrel.

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Psychologists divide conflicts in the family according to different criteria - based on the causes and sources of occurrence, and the behavior of partners. One of the classifications that clearly shows the willingness of partners to move closer and solve problems together is the division of conflict situations into constructive and destructive. [2] The difference is whether a man and a woman come to a common denominator, whether they are ready to work for the benefit of the relationship, and whether the problem itself is ultimately resolved.

Constructive conflicts

From a psychological point of view, conflicts in the family can be very useful and even necessary for strengthening relationships. This is not a problem, but a process of learning about each other, a way to solve accumulated problems and show your partner your sincere feelings. Even the most serious dramas at first glance can have a healing effect.

Constructive conflicts can arise for various reasons. But their resolution always leads to a compromise that suits everyone perfectly. No one feels hurt or disadvantaged. It is the “right” quarrels that solve problems in relationships and strengthen marriage.

Destructive conflicts

Not every stormy showdown is painless and ends in compromise. Destructive conflicts pose a particular danger. Their outcome does not satisfy either partner.

In essence, this is a “banal” skirmish between two people who do not hear each other, do not want to make concessions and do not solve the problems that really hang over them. After such conflicts, both partners have an unpleasant aftertaste for a long time, and the feeling of happiness in the relationship gradually decreases.

Destructive conflicts often drag on for many years and can eventually lead to divorce.

Types of families by frequency of conflicts

Depending on the frequency, depth and severity of conflicts in psychology, it is customary to distinguish families:

Crisis. Conflicts between the needs and interests of spouses occur constantly, in every area. The partners are hostile towards each other and are unable to resolve the conflict constructively.
Conflict. The interests of partners often conflict, but the spouses are capable, and most importantly want, to find a constructive solution.
Problematic. Relations between spouses are strained, often escalate and are ready to take the form of conflict at any moment. This is caused by long-term unsatisfaction of the needs of family members.
Neurotic. Families with high anxiety, tension, chronic and severe dissatisfaction, instability.

Why do family conflicts arise?

Remember Leo Tolstoy’s famous phrase that “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” It is difficult to argue with this, since family conflicts can arise for a variety of reasons. Psychologists note the most important of them:

deviant behavior of one of the partners (drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling);
betrayal of one of the spouses;
an authoritarian, too rigid family structure that one of the partners does not accept;
radically opposing views on life, goals and interests;
the presence of intractable material problems;
sexual disharmony in a couple;
the unsatisfied need of one or both partners to receive positive emotions due to a lack of mutual understanding in the couple;
constant interference of third parties in marital relations (friends, relatives). [1]

This is also confirmed by numerous sociological studies. According to statistics, the main causes of divorce in modern families are:

rash decision to enter into an alliance - 40%;
cheating partner - 19%;
sexual disharmony - 15%;
discrepancy between common interests and outlook on life - 12%;
One of the family members has problems with alcohol – 7%. [3]

What kind of disagreements happen in a family?

The typology of family conflicts distinguishes two types of quarrels.

Constructive are family conflicts, the peculiarity of which is that reconciliation brings a sense of satisfaction and relief to the two partners. The spouses find a compromise solution that will satisfy the interests of both parties.
Destructive – features of family conflicts of this group in duration and lack of solution to the problem situation. Often in families where destructive quarrels arise, divorces occur.

Crisis periods of family relationships

In addition to the main causes of conflict in the family, psychologists also identify special factors that can lead to discord in the family. These are crises in marital relationships. As a rule, there are only four such “problem” periods. [1]

First crisis period

Observed in the first year of marriage. Partners “get the hang of it”: they establish norms of behavior that are important for each, learn to manage the family budget, and can test each other’s “strength” in order to reserve the right to be the head of the family. All this inevitably leads to one kind of conflict or another.

Second crisis period

The appearance of children in a family is an important stage in the development of relationships. For many couples, raising a child becomes a difficult challenge. Each spouse has new responsibilities, so there is a catastrophic lack of time for intimacy. Their opportunities for personal and professional growth are significantly reduced. Disagreements may arise regarding the issues of raising the baby. Inattention on the part of the husband or, on the contrary, increased sexual activity against the background of the wife's fatigue and physiological changes can lead to problems in sexual relationships. All this becomes the cause of serious quarrels in relationships.

Third crisis period

“Experienced” married couples who have lived together for 10-15 years may also face a relationship crisis. Often partners, having become “satiated” with each other over many years, experience an acute lack of feelings. The wife may withdraw into herself or get lost in some hobby. And the husband begins to make up for the lack of “thrills” on the side.

Fourth crisis period

After 18-24 years of married life, some families face another crisis period. Many psychologists associate its development with the wife’s increased emotional dependence and her worries about her husband’s possible infidelities. On the one hand, a man’s potency level decreases and he can no longer meet his wife’s sexual expectations. On the other hand, the woman feels that she is getting old and is afraid that her husband will find himself a young and beautiful girl.

Crisis periods in the lives of spouses arise with a certain frequency. The reasons are different, but the “symptoms” are the same - frequent quarrels, mistrust and omissions. If you manage to “survive” the crisis and not break up, the relationship reaches a new level. But both spouses should be interested in this.

Main stages of the conflict

During the conflict as a process, there are four main stages:

The emergence of an objective conflict situation;
Awareness of an objective conflict situation;
Transition to conflict behavior;
Conflict resolution.

Conflict becomes a reality only through the perception of contradictions, because only the perception of a situation as a conflict gives rise to appropriate behavior (it follows that a contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective, imaginary). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving one’s own goals and preventing the achievement of the aspirations and intentions of the other party.

There are two main ways to resolve a conflict: changing the objective conflict situation and changing its “images”, ideas about the nature and essence of the conflict that are available to opponents.

Family conflicts are usually associated with people’s desire to satisfy certain needs or create conditions for their satisfaction, without taking into account the interests of the partner. There are many reasons for this. These include different views on family life, unmet expectations and needs, rudeness, disrespectful behavior, adultery, financial difficulties, etc.

As a rule, a conflict is caused not by one, but by a complex of reasons, among which the main one can be roughly identified, for example: the unmet needs of the spouses. It can be assumed that one of the main causes of family conflicts is the spouses’ ignorance of each other. This leads to personal misunderstandings, different views on raising children, intolerance of each other's misdeeds and, finally, dissatisfaction with family life.

Ideal married couples: utopia or reality?

The couple spend a lot of time together. This is a constant solution to everyday issues, joint recreation, raising children. A clash of interests is inevitable - each partner has a different upbringing, established habits and a certain pattern of behavior. It can hardly be said that there are ideal families in which peace always reigns and conflict situations never arise.

American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich believe that all married couples, regardless of their “experience,” can be roughly divided into happy and unhappy. [4] According to the observations of scientists, in unhappy families, spouses:

look at many problems and specific situations differently;
do not want or do not know how to understand their partner’s feelings;
allow yourself to say words that irritate another;
often feel unloved;
they hush up problems, don’t talk about their desires, agree even if they’re not happy;
do not devote time to each other;
do not trust each other;
against their will, they often give in to their partner;
They rarely compliment each other.

Surely, everyone has their own point of view about what exactly an ideal family should be like. The main thing is that the spouses find common ground, listening to the other’s opinion, respecting his views and principles. To describe a happy family, you just need to take all the signs from the list and read them with a plus sign. The main thing is trust, desire and willingness to find a solution that suits both spouses.

In 2013, the Public Opinion Foundation conducted a survey among Russians to find out what an “ideal family” was in their understanding. Only 12% of Russians could call their family ideal. Respondents were also asked what is most important in the relationship between husband and wife. Here are the answers:

trust - 64%,
love - 55%,
respect - 55%,
care - 37%,
patience - 26%.

Family conflicts: prevention and treatment. Conversation 9

Resolving conflict productively

He who controls himself is better than the conqueror of a city.

(Proverbs 16:32)
We have come to the most important topic of our conversations: how not to turn a conflict into a quarrel, how to learn to manage a conflict situation and resolve our clashes constructively.
After all, even in those married couples where the spouses have come to mutual understanding and learned to minimize conflicts, sometimes differences of opinion, disagreements, and disputes occur. The Monk Ambrose of Optina wrote to his spiritual children: “The ancient people decided long ago that you cannot live a century without a parable, and they added that pot and pot collide, especially since it is impossible for people living together to live without a collision. And this especially happens from different views on things: one thinks about the course of affairs in one way, and another differently, one is convinced of his concepts, which seem solid and solid to him, and the other believes in his understanding.”

Therefore, each of us needs to be able to behave correctly in a conflict situation. At the same time, it is important not only to behave competently in collisions, but also to know well the character and temperament of your opponent in order to find a common language with him.

Let's talk a little about personality types and their behavior in conflict situations.

We are all different, no two are alike, and in one family there can be people who behave completely differently when disagreements arise between them. One is quick-tempered, easily susceptible to anger, irritation, and his behavior is difficult to predict. Nobody knows in what mood he will return home, where he will get up, and what to expect from him: a carrot or a stick. Such a person in a dispute can begin to behave aggressively, get personal, insult others, often has a high level of aspirations, is not self-critical, and blames other people for many failures. This type in conflictology is called uncontrollable

. Individuals with this type of character find it difficult to get along with others. They themselves often suffer from their impulsiveness and inability to control themselves. Unfortunately, such individuals find it difficult to work on correcting their shortcomings because they learn few lessons from negative past experiences.

If your spouse or someone in your household has a similar type of character, you should remember that communicating with him requires great caution. To maintain peace in the family, you need to remain as calm as possible when conflicts arise. Remember that a quarrel is like a flame: if you do not add wood to the fire, it will soon go out; If you don’t respond to irritation or aggression in the same way, the anger will soon go away.

Man with ultra-precise

personality type places increased demands on himself and others. Such people have a very developed desire for orderliness. They want everyone around them to follow the order they have established; they tend to “get hung up” on little things, some insignificant details. Very often they are touchy, vulnerable, attach excessive importance to comments, and are very worried about failures and mistakes.

This type mainly includes women. They have a much more developed desire for order than men. A woman of the ultra-precise type wants to “organize” a man, force him to follow the rules she has established. We have already discussed this model of behavior in detail in a previous conversation, when we talked about idealization.

There is also a type of people who can be called conflict-free

. They easily compromise, but do not have sufficient willpower and do not think deeply about the consequences of their actions. They are easily suggestible, gentle, depend on the opinions of others, in a dispute they easily agree with the opponent’s point of view, and avoid sensitive issues. Inconsistent in judgments and behavior; They care about immediate success and reconciliation in a conflict situation.

When disagreements in a conflict are insignificant, a conflict-free model of behavior leads to rapid attenuation and resolution of the conflict. But this style of dealing with conflict situations is not always good. Sometimes it can lead the conflict to a dead end. The parties will only reconcile for a while, but the problems will remain unresolved. This usually happens when conflict arises over serious issues. Sometimes a passive, compliant person, through his behavior, contributes to the aggressiveness of his opponent and even provokes it.

There are other types of conflicting personalities, but we will not dwell on them in detail.

Of course, it is very good when one family brings together people who have balanced characters and know how to behave adequately in a conflict situation. But, unfortunately, this does not happen often, and therefore it is important to know what type you and your household belong to, because having thoroughly studied our weak points, it is easier to come to an agreement. When communicating with a person of a conflict type, whose behavior in a collision is not entirely adequate and is poorly predictable, we need to remember the words of the Apostle Paul that we must “bear the weaknesses of the weak...” (Rom. 15: 1), that is, show more patience and humility, be lenient towards the weakness of your neighbor.

The shortcomings of another person often become the cause of conflicts with him, but here it is useful to look at the problem from the other side. Business communications optimization specialist LitaKoba writes: “Surprisingly, those employees who annoy us the most tend to have the most in common with us. They are the best indicator that we also need to work on ourselves.”

Like in a mirror, we sometimes see our own imperfections in people. So, as they say in the famous fable by I.A. Krylova, “Why should godmothers work hard? Isn’t it better to turn to yourself, godfather?”

In general, the ability to look at a situation from the outside is the key to successful conflict resolution. This is precisely the principle of the metamirror

, when we objectively evaluate our own behavior, taking the place of our opponent, and look at the conflict as if from the outside - through the eyes of an outside observer.

For example, a wife constantly makes comments to her husband, strives to re-educate him, “to make a man out of him.” Would she be pleased if her husband began to fight her shortcomings? If, say, she likes to eat sweets, and he forbids her to do so, constantly reminding her how fat she has become lately, and even doing it in front of other people?

Surely such a grumpy wife at least once in her life came across a person who was dissatisfied with her, scolded her, reprimanded her for the slightest offense and generally spoiled her mood in every possible way, for example, an overly demanding boss or teacher. Would she agree to live with this man all her life and listen to his reproaches? I think no.

Who are we more likely to listen to, whose requests will we fulfill? A person who treats us well, kindly, respects us, does not “put pressure on the psyche” and does not try to teach us how to live, or, conversely, someone who is constantly dissatisfied with everything, makes claims, finds fault, grumbles, is constantly offended by us? Therefore, if the wife behaves according to the second scenario, the husband will lose all desire not only to do what she asks, but also to communicate with her in principle. By the way, not only wives like to “nail” and re-educate their half; I have also met many husbands who, with their grumbling and eternal discontent, ruined the lives of their spouses.

And how unpleasant it can be to be present at so-called “family scenes”, when spouses lose control of themselves and begin, without hesitation from strangers, to insult each other! But in this state, unfortunately, they don’t think about how terrible it all looks from the outside.

There are people who suffer from short temper, irritability or are overly demanding of others, but when they are outside the home, for example at work, they hold back and are embarrassed by others. But at home they give full rein to pent-up emotions. And of course, their family suffers greatly from this. Yes, and they themselves. Elder Paisios of Athonite once signed a greeting card to newlyweds he knew and jokingly wrote them the following wish: “May Christ and the Most Holy Theotokos be with you! Demetrius, I give you the blessing to quarrel with the whole world, except Mary! And Mary has the same blessing: to quarrel with everyone, but not with you!” “Let’s see if they understand what I meant,” the elder added. Of course, Father Paisiy did not seriously bless the spouses to quarrel with everyone, but not with each other. This instruction means that our family must first of all be freed from all negative influences, anger, irritation, malice, and nagging. It is no coincidence that the epigraph of this conversation was a quote from the Proverbs of Solomon, which talks about the ability to control oneself. After all, the most important thing in successfully resolving a conflict is the art of managing yourself, your emotions, words, and actions.

Let's talk a little about anger, because this passion, like no other, has a destructive effect on our relationships with loved ones.

Let's start with the fact that anger is one of the eight deadly sins, and the fight against it is the duty of every Orthodox Christian.

We all suffer greatly due to the fact that we do not know how to control our emotions, as well as pause and stop in time. We can, in our hearts, without thinking, throw something harsh, offensive, thoughtless, which we will later regret very much.

It is important not only not to become irritated yourself, but also to calmly react to the anger and irritation of other people. A calm reaction to the emotional behavior of your opponent is the most important thing in self-control of emotions. If you see that your opponent is losing control of his emotions, do not fall into the same state yourself. Having overcome the first indignation, ask yourself questions: “Why is he irritated and indignant? What goals does he pursue in this conflict? Is his behavior related to his personality traits or to some other reasons? Conflict management experts argue that by answering these questions, you force your consciousness to work rationally, not emotionally, and thereby protect yourself from an emotional explosion; you give your opponent the opportunity to relieve emotional stress, distract yourself from the negative information that he can throw out at you, and look for the cause of the collision, try to understand what motivates your opponent.

Holy Scripture tells us that each of us should be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). That is, in a conflict, do not make quick, rash decisions, act carefully and respond, guided not by anger, but by love and reason.

It is known that, having fallen into a state of anger and irritation, it is impossible to behave correctly in a conflict situation. At this moment our mind is blinded by emotions, by our excited, irritable state. And if both opponents are obsessed with anger, then it is almost impossible to solve the problem. But even if one party behaves calmly and balancedly in a conflict situation, there is a great chance of resolving the conflict successfully.

How to deal with anger? There are two rules here. First: do not let anger take over our soul, stop it at the very beginning, on the way. “The beginning of a quarrel is like a burst of water; leave the quarrel before it flares up” (Proverbs 17:14), says the wise Solomon. Imagine that the water began to erode the dam: a hole appeared, a small leak. If this gap is not repaired in time, the water will wash away the dam, a water breakthrough will occur, the flow will wash away everything in its path, and it will be very difficult to stop it. So it is in the fight against anger. Stopping irritation, an angry thought, and refraining from a harsh word is much easier than stopping the avalanche of anger and rage later. Therefore, an angry person must especially carefully monitor his thoughts, feelings, and words in order to stop anger at the very beginning and prevent it from flaring up.

The second thing you need to remember when taking up arms against the passion of anger: you need to be able to pause in time, think, imagine what will happen and what we will lose in the next moment if we succumb to anger. But we will lose a lot: peace with our loved ones and peace of mind, which is more precious than anything. This is why everyone should be “slow to speak” and “slow to anger.” After all, anger and irritation, thank God, have a very good property: they pass quickly. The fact is that during an emotional outburst, adrenaline is injected into a person’s blood, it causes pleasant sensations, excitement and a desire to continue to be angry, but if you endure this moment, extinguish the desire to be irritated, distract yourself with something else, the anger goes away quite quickly. And then you can continue the conversation in a calm state of mind. If you can’t wait, just take a few deep breaths and hold your breath for 2-3 seconds, exhale, and then think: is it worth giving vent to emotions, and what consequences will our outburst have?

How not to turn a discussion of a topic into a quarrel? It should be remembered that in an irritable, excited state, people often commit actions that they later greatly regret. Therefore, when we feel that the degree of emotional tension or excitement in a conversation exceeds the permissible limit, we need to be able to stop in time, and, if we cannot calm down, take a break, take a time out. When you feel that you already have little control over yourself and are capable of doing something stupid in a few moments, saying a lot of harsh, offensive, thoughtless words to each other and quarreling seriously and for a long time, no matter how great the temptation to continue the conversation, you need to gather all your willpower and mentally pray , take a short pause and say something like this: “We cannot have such a serious conversation in such an excited state, because we no longer control ourselves; you need to stop and calm down, otherwise you might quarrel.” After this, it is best to leave the room.

If people are not ready to discuss the problem calmly, it is more useful to avoid conversation, since conversation is unlikely to help sort things out.

Women, as beings who are more emotional than men, tend to talk more and more when under stress. Excitement begins to grow, and the conversation may turn into an argument. Here it is best to postpone the discussion until the opponents return to normal. A time out allows you not only to relieve tension, but also to slowly sort everything out, think about the current situation without emotions and make the necessary, informed decision.

Anger not only prevents the conflict from being resolved correctly, but in general greatly interferes with life. If our neighbor has done something that has caused our displeasure, then it is a rather empty and pointless exercise to start getting angry, screaming and swearing at him. You can’t turn back time, but you will lose a lot. In this regard, one incident comes to mind. An acquaintance of mine told me that when he was an altar boy in one of the Moscow churches, a woman accidentally walked into the altar. She did not know that women were prohibited from entering the altar, and wanted to ask the priest something. The priest listened to her carefully, answered the question, and then politely explained that, according to church rules, a woman could not enter the altar, and only after that asked her to leave. The altar boy was very surprised by what happened. In his opinion, the woman should have been immediately kicked out of the holy of holies of the temple without talking. He turned to the priest for clarification. The priest told him: “You see, she unknowingly went into the altar. And if she has already done this, what is the point if I immediately kick her out, since she is already in the altar? She would probably be offended. So I chose to answer her question first and then point out her mistake.” I don’t know whether this priest acted correctly from a dogmatic point of view in this situation, but in essence he is absolutely right: if something has already happened, you need not to give free rein to anger and emotions, because you can’t undo what has been done, but calmly think about how to do it together solve the problem of. This principle also applies in family life. For example, a wife promised her husband to iron his shirt or wash his trousers, but got busy and forgot to do it. If a husband gives in to anger and yells at his wife, he will gain nothing (his pants will remain unwashed), but he will lose peace with his other half and peace in his own soul. It is much better to pause, calm down and make an effort to fix the problem.

They may object to me: “But if you don’t react in any way to a mistake, a person will continue to make the same mistakes?” I think that trying to reason with someone through anger and shouting is pointless. When a person is overwhelmed by irritation and emotions, he is not even able to clearly formulate his comments, and such criticism will have no effect. It is much better to remain silent, and then objectively assess the situation and, if necessary, calmly discuss the problem that has arisen.

So, if a tense, conflict situation arises, the first thing you need to do to resolve it favorably is to overcome your anger, irritability and excessive emotionality.

We must also avoid being too demanding of people, otherwise we will conflict at every step over every little thing.

It is also necessary to learn to differentiate conflict situations. If there are discrepancies in positions, opposite opinions on certain issues, we must always highlight whether the subject of disagreement is really important for us or not. If the subject is not of particular importance or significance for us, we can choose avoidance

as a way to resolve a conflict situation. That is, simply put, to give in in this case. We have already talked about avoidance and other methods of behavior in a conflict situation in the 2nd conversation of our series.

Let's consider avoidance as a way to resolve a conflict using the example of a family we know. The couple Vladimir and Irina decided to renovate their apartment. They choose wallpaper. Ira decided that blue wallpaper with bears and cars would be good for the nursery, and for the living room she chose almost white wallpaper. Volodya did not really approve of his wife’s choice. He doesn't like teddy bears, and in the living room small children can easily stain the white walls. Tension arises. But Vladimir knows that his wife values coziness in the house very much and attaches great importance to all sorts of everyday little things, and he prefers to avoid conflict, since the color of the wallpaper is not such an important thing for him.

But avoidance as a way to resolve conflict is not suitable for all situations. After all, sometimes the problem that caused a conflict situation requires a really serious discussion. Then you need to sit down at the negotiating table and jointly look for the right solution, either through compromise

, or through
cooperation
.

In order to be able to behave correctly and calmly in a conflict situation, spouses need to learn to communicate in a calm environment, because a conflict is an extreme, tense situation, and if people do not know how to talk, discuss serious issues in everyday life, it will be very difficult for them to communicate in a state of conflict . We have already discussed the topic of communication between spouses, but we can once again recall that many clashes can be avoided if the husband and wife are more interested in each other, discuss a variety of topics, and also talk about their feelings and desires.

Some spouses I know, apparently embarrassed to discuss their feelings and wishes in person, wrote letters to each other. This allowed them to come to an understanding. You can also exchange SMS. In a letter, indeed, sometimes it is easier to express what you think: unnecessary emotions and the wrong tone of speech do not interfere.

By the way, conflict can sometimes be caused by a lack of communication. Psychologist Yuri Zhurin writes: “Conflict is sometimes needed as a certain stage or moment to begin rapprochement. When in conflict, a person seems to say: “I miss you very much,” “I love you,” “I feel bad without you.” These are outrageously simple words! But sometimes it’s very difficult for a person raised in a family where they didn’t know any other way to get close, because dad or mom didn’t say such words.”

So, if the issue that led to a clash of views is really important to us and we decide not to shy away from the conflict, the most important thing to start with is to assess the current situation impartially and without bias.

Why do family (and not only) conflicts often reach a dead end, and sometimes drag on for years? Because each of the conflicting parties is not really looking for a resolution to the conflict, does not want to start with themselves and see their guilt, but defends their ambitions and blames the opposite side for everything. This is the main mistake!

We can overcome conflict only by changing ourselves. After all, we cannot remake or reforge our neighbor. As they say, “you can’t put your head on someone else.” It is impossible to change the way another person thinks. Because man was given free will from God, and even the Lord Himself cannot forcibly change it. Of course, once or twice we can force our neighbor to do something, just as people are forced to work under pressure in prison or in the army. But everyone understands that this is unacceptable in family life - after this no one will love you. Having realized that a person cannot be re-educated or changed by force, we must change our attitude towards him and the current situation. Then it will become easier for us: instead of struggling with his shortcomings, we will understand that we must accept our neighbor as he is, try to enter into his position. After all, a person often does not maliciously offend us, he simply sees the situation in his own way.

If we feel hostility towards us from another, it is very important not to respond in kind, but to understand what I myself

I’m doing the wrong thing, since my neighbor treats me this way; Perhaps he knows better from the outside, and I really am behaving incorrectly.

In any quarrel or conflict, one is not to blame: if the other is not directly to blame (which happens very rarely), then he did not do everything to avoid the conflict. And often he himself accidentally provoked it.

We can have a beneficial influence on another person with only one thing - love. By changing yourself and changing your attitude towards him.

Another important point: sometimes people, especially young people, immediately reject or react with hostility to the advice to meet the other halfway, to take the first steps towards reconciliation, considering it useless. But the fact is that in the overwhelming majority of cases this works very well, because a person expects something completely different, thinks that we will respond in kind to his barbs, and does not expect us to approach him with an open heart and begin to discuss calmly and kindly questions that have arisen. Taking the first step towards reconciliation is not a sign of weakness, but, on the contrary, it is a sign of strength and nobility of soul. There is no need to be afraid to meet people halfway, to be afraid to show openness and sincerity to others. Only our pride can interfere with this.

When both parties to a conflict are ready to negotiate, it is necessary to remember a few rules for competent conflict resolution. The book Conflict: Seven Steps to Peace by Charles Lixon, a lawyer by profession and a man with 30 years of experience in practical psychology and mediation, sets out some recommendations for resolving conflicts.

1. “Let’s take off our masks”: participants in the conflict must be extremely sincere and not hide their true motives.

2. “Identifying the real problem”: it is necessary to identify the real cause of the conflict, clear it of the husks of various layers.

3. “We refuse the attitude: “Win at any cost.” This attitude is especially unsuitable in marital conflicts. Moreover, the conflict is not a duel; it is not won, it is settled.

4. “We find several possible solutions.” In any conflict, several solutions are possible. It is necessary to discuss everything so that there is something to choose from.

5. “We evaluate the options and choose the best.” It is necessary to choose not only the most constructive option, but also the most acceptable for all parties to the conflict.

6. “We speak so that we can be heard.” The main tool for resolving conflict is communication between the parties. You need to communicate in such a way as to be heard, as well as to hear and understand the other.

7. “We recognize and cherish the value of relationships.” In fact, this point should have been put first, because conflicts (especially in marriage) are resolved to preserve peace and love and strengthen mutual understanding. Maintaining good relations in resolving conflicts should always be a top priority. When discussing a conflict situation, it is very important to make it clear that we still love our other half, we just want to figure out the current situation together and come to agreement and reconciliation.

May my pious readers forgive me that I often resort to the experience of overseas psychologists, but you can also learn a lot from them. After all, Saint Demetrius of Rostov often cited in his writings thoughts and quotes from the works of Western theologians, in particular Thomas à Kempis, and he said: “Thomas à Kempis, although a foreign merchant, brings good goods.”

When conducting a serious conversation, you should never give in to the temptation to get personal. We gathered to solve a problem, not to offend each other. It often happens that spouses, discussing some pressing issue, begin to use forbidden techniques, remember old grievances or make offensive generalizations, saying, for example, the following: “You are as lazy as your father” or: “You are so she's a slob just like your mother. And in general, your whole family is not neat.” Such statements hurt very painfully, confuse the situation even more and will never allow you to find the right solution. And phrases like: “I don’t love you!” are simply categorically unacceptable. and “I will divorce you!”

Conflicts and disagreements are, of course, a difficult test for a family. Of course, they should be avoided in every possible way, but there is no need to be afraid, because if there is love and a desire for peace between spouses, the Lord will definitely help them in a difficult situation. When our family ship tilts, we must start with the most important thing: we must pray to God, the Mother of God and the heavenly patrons of marriage for help. After all, “without Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5), said the Lord. This treasure - love, peace and harmony in the family, which for an Orthodox person are the main values after faith in God - must be asked from the Lord.

(To be continued.)

How to recognize unproductive conflicts in the family?

An unproductive showdown is conflict for the sake of conflict. It is difficult to come to a compromise when the atmosphere is so tense that both partners find themselves on opposite sides of the barricades.

Relationships without quarrels are rare. What matters is whether the conflict ultimately helps solve a specific problem. In the heat of a quarrel, when emotions win, the original reason that caused it is lost. What are the signs of unproductive conflict that destroys relationships?

Partners do not want or cannot find a way to solve the problem.
A quarrel is not a calm, constructive dialogue, but comes down to mutual reproaches and insults. Each partner wants to hurt the other more strongly.
Partners solve the problem not from the position of “here and now”, but constantly recall “past sins”.
Neither partner ever admits his guilt. Someone else is always to blame in a quarrel.
The behavior of one or both spouses becomes aggressive. Feeling angry, a person can even hit his relationship partner.
The behavior of one or both spouses takes a passive-aggressive form. The result: long silence, a demonstrative exit from the room, or monosyllabic answers that do not allow constructive dialogue to be built.

Even serious unproductive conflicts can lead to reconciliation between the parties. But this is only a temporary lull. If the problem has not found a solution that suits both spouses, very soon the same issue will be raised again “in the format” of a passionate dispute.

Constant quarrels in a relationship are a critical situation, the solution of which requires the involvement of both partners. The increase in psychological discomfort should encourage people to actively seek ways out of the current crisis.

Consequences of unproductive conflicts

What can “protracted” unproductive conflicts lead to? The severity of the consequences depends on specific situations and the methods of resolving them that spouses usually use.

Destructive conflicts affect the mental and physical health of everyone who, willy-nilly, is involved in quarrels.

Communication between husband and wife is disrupted, resentment and mistrust, and dissatisfaction with the existing relationship appear.
Constantly experiencing stressful situations can lead to neuroses and depression in one of the partners. Against the background of constant negative emotions, psychosomatic diseases can develop and worsen.
Numerous conflicts in the family are especially acute for children. He takes the “confrontation” of his parents hard and often believes that he is the cause of the discord. This leaves a huge imprint on everything the child does now and what he will be like in the future.

How to prevent a family quarrel

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them are the subject of study of diagnostic psychology - the science of identifying the causes of conflict situations and finding methods for resolving them. However, even a constructive dispute is better to prevent than to try to resolve.

So, conflict prevention and ways to resolve them are as follows.

Don't stoop to insults.
Keep calm. If you really love a person, remind yourself of this at the moment when you want to flare up.
Emotional family conflicts can be prevented and resolved through solitude. If you understand that the situation has reached a dead end and there is no solution, go to different rooms for several hours.
Speak one at a time and do not interrupt each other. At the same time, remain calm.
Come up with a “stop signal” - a phrase that will stop too violent quarrels. As soon as the situation becomes critical, you need to say the stop signal and be silent for a minute. This is quite enough to calm down.
After each quarrel, analyze the reason why it arose. If you are wrong, admit it. The most difficult thing to resolve is value differences.
Intimacy is a great way not only to resolve a conflict situation, but also to prevent it.
Go visit, communicate with other families. The social atmosphere will allow you to relieve stress and relax.

According to the typology of family conflicts, quarrels vary, but, as a rule, there is only one solution - learn to respect and listen to each other.

The video presents ways to resolve conflicts and typical mistakes of spouses.

Conflicts in a young family

Many psychologists believe that it is especially difficult for young families to resolve conflicts. Partners whose marital experience is only 1-3 years are much more likely to divorce due to unresolved conflicts than people who have been married for a longer time.

The probability of divorce in young families reaches 30% of the total number of marriages. [1]

The most common causes of conflict in young families include:

jealousy and betrayal;
the presence of shortcomings or negative qualities in a partner that the other does not accept;
lack of housing and financial resources to support the family;
waiting for the birth of a child;
lack of emotional attachment and solidarity towards each other.[3]

Conflicts that arise in young families are quite solvable if the husband and wife are committed to constructive dialogue.

Risk factors for forming a happy family

Researchers believe that many of the reasons for failed marriages already exist at the time of marriage. These reasons are called risk factors for building a happy family.

Age of marriage. Sociological research shows that early marriage is an important factor influencing satisfaction with family relationships. In a study of successful and unsuccessful marriages, it was found that in the group of successful families only 43% got married before the age of 21, and in the group of unsuccessful ones - 69%. A successful marriage requires a high level of social and psychological maturity of people, as it requires stable attitudes, certain knowledge and skills that are often not yet present in adolescence.

Living conditions. This factor is associated with the separation or cohabitation of a young couple with their parents. Research data show that young families living with their parents are somewhat more stable than those living separately, although conflicts between young spouses and their parents living together are not uncommon. On the one hand, cohabitation promotes external social control of parents over a young couple, their performance of family functions, and enriches personal contacts. On the other hand, living together with parents can hinder the process of adaptation of spouses, interfere with their desired independence and interfere with the development of a sense of responsibility for the family they are creating.

Economic factor. A study of the practice of divorce showed that low wages and the lack of a separate apartment are never mentioned as a reason for disagreements in the family; first of all, as a rule, they are reasons of a moral and psychological nature, and financial difficulties can aggravate disagreements and complicate already broken relationships.

Duration of dating before marriage. This factor is very important for the strength of the marriage. Lack of acquaintance before marriage does not allow future spouses to get to know each other sufficiently to form a correct picture of the possibility of joint adaptation, character traits and temperaments.

A large role in the formation of a family is played by such factors as the parental family in which the spouses grew up, the attitude of parents towards the marriage of children, and premarital pregnancy - a high risk factor. Accelerated family formation leads to dissatisfaction, which also affects the emotional side of the relationship between husband and wife.

Living together in each of these types of relationships requires a constant desire for compromise, the ability to take into account the personal interests and needs of the partner, respect, trust and find understanding with each other. Divorce statistics show that the greatest difficulties arise in the sphere of relations associated with intra-family culture. They are responsible for most divorces, especially in young families that have existed for one to five years. In turn, a culture of communication implies mutual trust, politeness, tact, sensitivity, goodwill, attentiveness, responsiveness, and kindness.

Effective techniques for resolving family conflicts

According to psychologists, a “correct” conflict between spouses should occur according to a certain pattern: [1]

The stages of painlessly moving through a conflict situation can indeed be useful for a couple. But not everyone can control the storm of emotions that arises when they want to prove they are right at all costs and win the argument. It is difficult to adhere to any “scenario”.

But solving escalating problems is not a battlefield. In a constructive conflict there should be no losing parties. Ideally, one should strive to implement a “win-win” scheme. This is the golden mean, a compromise that suits every family member.

Psychologist V. A. Sysenko, speaking about how to avoid serious conflicts in the family, suggests spouses adhere to the following tactics:

immediately resolve any emerging conflict, rather than “hushing up” it;
respect each other;
want to change for the better for the benefit of the relationship;
learn to understand your partner;
do not aggravate the quarrel with direct insults;
do not reproach past mistakes;
control anger during a quarrel;
restrain your own baseless suspicions of your partner’s infidelity. [5]

A rather interesting approach to conflict resolution is demonstrated by American family psychotherapist D. Delis. [4] He believes that problems in relationships caused by an “imbalance of objective circumstances” are the easiest to correct. These are any changes that shake a couple’s strong relationship—a move, the birth of a child, a change in the professional status of one of the spouses, a child’s teenage rebellion. The psychotherapist considers the following beliefs to be effective tactics for resolving such conflicts in marriage:

The difficulties that arise should not be blamed on each other, but on the specific situation.
We need to support each other.
It is necessary to solve problems together, draw up specific short-term and long-term plans to overcome the crisis situation.

According to D. Delis, there is always a way to restore balance in family relationships and stop quarreling over trifles. When partners use non-accusatory communication tactics and take responsibility for finding solutions to their crisis, they are better able to prevent serious conflicts.

Family conflicts: conflicts between parents and children - causes and resolution

Conflicts between parents and children are another type of typical family conflicts that arise no less frequently than conflicts between spouses. The main causes of such conflicts are:

The nature of relationships within the family. Relationships can be harmonious and disharmonious. In a harmonious family, a balance is maintained between the psychological roles of all family members, and a family “We” is formed. In disharmonious families, conflicts between spouses, mental tension, neurotic disorders and chronic anxiety in children are observed.
Destructive family education. It is characterized by disagreements between spouses on issues of upbringing, inadequacy, inconsistency and contradiction in the upbringing process, prohibitions on any areas of children's life and increased demands on children, as well as condemnations, censures, punishments, and threats.
Age crises of children. Defined as transitional stages from one stage of child upbringing to another. Here we can note on the part of children irritability, capriciousness, stubbornness, disobedience, conflict with others, mostly with parents. In total, there are several age crises: up to 1 year, 3 years, 6-7 years, 12-14 years and 15-17 years.
Personal factor. This includes the personality traits of both parents and children. Speaking about parents, we can mention conservatism and stereotypical thinking, adherence to bad habits. If we talk about children, then we can highlight low academic performance, behavioral disorders, inattention to the words of parents, selfishness, self-confidence, arrogance.

We can safely say that conflicts between parents and children are the result of the wrong behavior of both. According to this, such conflicts can be resolved in the following ways.

Firstly, it is necessary to improve the pedagogical culture of parents, which will make it possible to take into account the psychological characteristics and psycho-emotional states of children due to age.

Secondly, families should be organized on collective ideas. It is necessary to find and determine general development prospects, family responsibilities, family traditions, hobbies and interests.

Thirdly, verbal demands must certainly be supported by actions and educational measures, so that parents are always an authority and an example to be followed.

Fourthly, it is required in every possible way to show interest in the inner world of children, to take part in their hobbies, concerns and problems, and also to cultivate their spirituality.

We can summarize everything we have said as follows.

To avoid conflicts in the family, you need to respect not only yourself, but also your loved ones, not accumulate grievances and let as little negativity into your life as possible. Comments should be made gently and tactfully, and problems that arise should be solved together (children, if they do not concern them, should not be involved in them).

You should treat yourself and family members adequately. Remember that you may not always be right. Strive for trust and mutual understanding, be attentive and responsive. Look for common ground, spend leisure time and relax together, engage in family creativity and, most importantly, do not allow the pressure of gray everyday life to paint over the most important thing in your life - love and good relationships with loved ones.

Advice and love, as they say!

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
Reflections on Friendship
Isaac Adizes "Union of Unlike"
Resolving conflicts in a team
13 reasons why conflicts arise
Sue Johnson, The Feeling of Love. A New Scientific Approach to Romantic Relationships"
Stages of team formation according to Tuckman
Conflicts and strategies for dealing with them
Conflicts in the work team: what they are and how to avoid them
Conflicts in relationships: a selection of useful materials
Raising children with love

Key words:1Relationships

Failed ways to resolve family conflicts

A thoughtless approach to resolving family conflicts will only aggravate the situation. Constant quarrels and mutual reproaches can sooner or later lead to divorce.

According to the American psychologist D. Gutman, who has been observing the relationships of married couples with different “experiences” for many years, there are 4 ineffective ways of communicating between partners: [6]

Criticism. The phrases “you never...”, “you always...” do not work in an argument. These are labels that humiliate the partner and do not help solve the problem. The husband and wife begin to actively discuss each other's shortcomings, completely forgetting about the conflict itself.
Humiliation. Partners begin to literally attack each other, trying to hurt each other more. Screaming, aggressive gestures, offensive nicknames, harsh sarcasm - this is not a solution to the conflict, but obvious humiliation.
Self-deprecation. When one of the partners (or both at once) considers himself an “eternal victim of circumstances,” it is unrealistic to resolve the conflict. In a constructive dialogue there is no right or wrong.
Ignoring. This is passive-aggressive behavior that hurts just as much as direct aggression. “I’m not talking to you” or “we have nothing to talk about” are classics of the genre. Silence is the end of dialogue. And without it it is impossible to find a way out of the situation.

Another serious mistake married couples make when resolving conflicts in the family is involving outsiders in their personal problems. It's good when it's a family psychologist. But the advice of friends and relatives, their active interference in the couple’s personal life, as a rule, only aggravates the problems. The chances of resolving a conflict, even if it is completely “harmless,” decrease in proportion to the number of participants involved.

Conflict resolution

The structure of family conflict and the strategies of behavior in it are the same as in any other conflict. I would like to take a closer look at the strategies and their consequences for family conflict.

Dominance. Doomed in advance to failure. Ignoring the interests and needs of your partner will further aggravate the situation.
Withdrawal and avoidance. It will not resolve the conflict, but will transform it into chronic status. The family will be “treading water,” just like its members.
Compliance. It will lead to a frustrated state of one of the partners, an imbalance in the relationship (rights, power, responsibilities). The family will become unstable and unstable.
Compromise. More or less acceptable option, but not ideal. Mutual concessions take place, but in the depths of their souls, each spouse will have a sediment.
Cooperation. The optimal solution to the conflict. Promotes personal growth of spouses, increased communication skills, development and strengthening of the family.

Strategy for handling a family quarrel

Conflict is always accompanied by a quarrel. But it can be used to your advantage. In psychology, there is a concept of a strategy for managing a family quarrel. This is a dispute between two loving people, in which the truth is born without accusations or harsh words.

The first condition is that no one craves victory. Both want to resolve the contradiction. The defeat of one of the spouses is the defeat of the whole family.
The second condition is to always respect your spouse, no matter how guilty he may be. Even in the most terrible rage, you need to remember how dear this person was to you just recently.
The third condition is that after a quarrel, do not return to it, do not even mention its reasons.

When solving a problem, it is important to avoid maximalism and categorical judgments, and not to involve third parties (friends, children, relatives) in the conflict. Be honest with yourself about what is bothering you. Also honestly tell your partner about this.

Positive family therapy

If you cannot solve the problem on your own, then it is wise to visit a psychologist. Family positive psychotherapy is used to resolve family conflicts. The conflict is processed through 4 directions:

bodily (sensation and perception);
activity (mind and activity);
social and communicative (contact, traditions);
communication (imagination and intuition).

It is important that work in these areas is carried out in unity and consistency. The body will show how the situation is reflected, the social direction will introduce the experience of older generations, the imagination will make a forecast and present a solution, activity will bring it to life.

If one of the directions predominates, then the number of possibilities for solving the problem is significantly reduced. Moreover, various types of dysfunctions are noted:

With a predominance of the physical – insomnia, drowsiness, eating disorders, psychosomatic diseases and sexual anomalies.
When activity predominates, avoidance of the problem: passion for other activities (work, entertainment) or passivity and apathy, idleness. If the conflict is processed in this way, then the spouse’s inadequate self-esteem, fear of failure, and focus on results are noted.
When the social direction predominates - avoiding the problem into superficial communication, company, or vice versa, avoiding any contacts and communication.
Imagination, separately from other elements, takes a person into the unreal world of fantasies and illusions, dreams. This makes the conflict worse.

Why else is it important to consider family history? The author of this concept, N. Pezeshkian, identifies an actual and basic conflict. Current – what is happening in the family now. Basic – conflict in the family of the parents of one of the spouses, brought by him into his family.

To resolve the current conflict, you need to resolve the basic one, that is, understand how relationships were built in the parental family. Everything that influenced the development of the personality of the current spouses in childhood is important. We need to find the causes and object of the basic conflict and positively rethink it.

When do you need help from a psychologist?

How to resolve the conflict that has arisen? The first step is recognizing the problem. But even when the reason for the dispute is completely clear and there is an idea of how to get out of the crisis, many couples cannot come to a compromise.

Often, participants in a conflict see the situation one-sidedly and are not ready to see/hear/understand another point of view. Sometimes it requires the participation of a third, disinterested person who can take an unbiased look at different points of view and convey them to each of the partners. These are not moms, dads and friends, but a professional psychologist.

When it becomes clear that all conflicts in a relationship cannot be resolved on their own, it is better for the couple to turn to a specialist.

Darlings scold - they just amuse themselves

More and more often you can hear the opinion that a good quarrel is the basis of a strong family. On the one hand, in psychology there is a concept of the constructive function of this kind of conflict.

Relatives and friends accumulate negativity towards each other for some time, and this is normal, since they have to communicate closely and live under the same roof. For example, a perfectionist spouse gets nervous every day if his wife hangs the towel unevenly in the bathroom or puts different colored pillowcases on the pillows. The mother-in-law finds no place for herself when her son-in-law bosses her daughter around. Melancholic parents get tired of their irrepressible choleric child. At the same time, all the above-mentioned dissatisfied parties hide their irritation for some time, because they love or do not want to offend. But indignation accumulates, and one day some little thing opens this abscess. Everyone tells each other everything they think.

From this point of view, family quarrels are indeed a painful but necessary procedure for opening a mature “boil.” A person throws out negativity from himself and calms down exactly until he accumulates a new one. Another positive aspect is that now it is known who thinks what about whom, and this pushes some to correct their mistakes if family relationships are a value for them.

However, psychologists focus on other aspects of family quarrels:

how often do they occur;
how they pass;
who is usually the instigator.

The constructive function of a quarrel is performed if:

occur no more than once a week - between a parent and a child, once every 2 weeks - between spouses and once a month - between other relatives;
allow a slight increase in voice without resorting to shouting and assault;
The instigators are different family members each time.

All other quarrels are nothing more than an element that destroys the family from the inside. If they happen too often, it means there is more discontent between relatives than love, they irritate each other. If shouting, fighting, throwing things, breaking dishes are allowed - these are already personality and behavior disorders, and you should seriously think about consulting not only a psychologist, but also a psychotherapist. If the conflict is started by the same person every time, he is most likely a manipulator, a tyrant or a hysterical person, and one must free oneself from his influence.

Conclusion. If conflicts occur between relatives, you should first think about what they are like. If a wife and her husband did not agree on what to have for dinner, she pouted sweetly, and he prepared her favorite lasagna as a sign of reconciliation - such moments bring people together and confirm that a good quarrel is the foundation of a family. But the key word in this phrase is “good.”

How to solve the problem of conflicts in relationships

Experts divide all family psychotherapy techniques into separate groups. The main ones are sociometric, structural and behavioral. [6]

Sociometric techniques help the psychologist obtain adequate information about the functioning of the family. A number of effective techniques (“family sculpture”, “family choreography”, “straw tower”) allow you to simulate events of the past, present and future, which helps the couple acquire new ways of interacting with each other and restore trusting relationships after a quarrel.

When contacting a family psychologist, spouses have the opportunity to calmly talk about the reasons for their dissatisfaction with their marriage and discuss possible ways to solve problems. The specialist never takes sides; he consistently clarifies the subjective and objective reasons for frequent quarrels, helping partners improve relationships.

In marital psychotherapy, there are 4 stages: diagnostic, conflict elimination, reconstructive, supportive. [1]

The conflicting parties, discussing their problems with a psychologist and following his recommendations, begin to look at their relationships differently. It is constructive dialogues and mutual respect that become priorities in quarrels.

Structural techniques of family psychotherapy (“Memories”, “Family photographs”) help to identify hidden problems in the family and create space for personal changes in both partners.

Behavioral psychology is focused on changing behavior patterns in patients. Modern techniques used by specialists are aimed at developing more constructive ways for each family member to communicate with each other using remote techniques. To do this, it is not necessary to visit a psychologist - it is enough to strictly adhere to the course program. This method allows you to solve problems without plunging into past grievances or exacerbating the conflict.

Let's teach harmonious relationships

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The 7Spsy course will help in resolving family conflicts. This is a patented, scientifically proven method that shows good results. The technology is based on the theories of the classics of behavioral psychology - I. P. Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, etc. The duration of the course program is from 2 to 6 weeks. The method allows you to replace a pathological model of behavior with a healthy scenario: learn to resolve conflicts constructively and figure out how to improve relationships after a quarrel. This allows you to return love and harmony to the family.

Sources:

“Workshop on Conflictology” (3rd edition), 2022, S. M. Emelyanov
“Conflictology” (2nd edition), 2022, team of authors
Divorce statistics, scientific article, 2015, team of authors
“Conflictology”, 2008, N. A. Loban
“Marital conflicts”, 1989, V. A. Sysenko
Ellie Lisits, An Introduction to the Gottman Method of Relationship Therapy (https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/
“Structured techniques for family and marital therapy,” 1997, G. Sherman

Types of motivations that lead to conflict situations

Let's dwell on the motives of this category of conflicts.

Personal imperfection is a purely psychological motive. The severity and frequency of conflicts, the strength of emotional outbursts, self-control, tactics and strategies for the behavior of spouses in various conflict situations depend on individual character traits.

Each person chooses paths, techniques and methods of action based on the characteristics of his character. They form an individual style of behavior in the areas of work and home. “Individual style of action” is understood as a system of techniques and methods of action that are characteristic and suitable for a person to achieve successful results.

This should be kept in mind and not try to “re-educate” or “remake” the other partner, but simply take into account or adapt to the characteristics of his character and individual style.

However, some character defects (demonstrativeness, authoritarianism, indecisiveness, etc.) themselves can become a source of conflict in the family.

There are character traits that lead to the destruction of a marriage, regardless of the wishes of the partners, for example, self-centered character traits of spouses. Their focus on their ego - a lack of moral development - is a factor that destabilizes family life.

Usually spouses see only their partner’s selfishness and do not notice their own. “Battle” with others comes from a wrong position in life, from a wrong understanding of moral relations with others.

Domestic drunkenness and alcoholism. This is a traditional reason for divorce. Alcoholism is a typical addictive disease that develops based on regular consumption of alcoholic beverages over several years. Chronic alcoholism should be distinguished from everyday alcoholism, which is caused by situational factors, educational errors, and poor culture. When government measures are sufficient to combat domestic alcoholism; chronic alcoholism, leading to mental disorders and a number of other diseases, requires medical treatment.

Alcohol abuse by one of the spouses creates an abnormal atmosphere in the family and a constant basis for conflicts and scandals. There are psychotraumatic situations for all family members and especially for children.

The risk of neuropsychiatric disorders increases significantly, and the likelihood of having children with various developmental defects and anomalies increases. Financial difficulties arise, the sphere of intellectual interests narrows, and immoral behavior becomes more common. The spouses are increasingly moving away from each other.

Adultery and sex life in marriage. Adultery reflects disagreements between spouses; it is the result of various psychological factors. Disappointment in marital life and disharmony in sexual relationships lead to adultery.

Unlike adultery, infidelity is a system of obligations to a spouse based on moral norms and standards. This is a belief in the value and importance of the obligations undertaken. Often fidelity is associated with loyalty and is associated with partners' desire to strengthen their marriage and relationship.

It is important to understand that sexual need can be truly satisfied only against the backdrop of positive feelings and emotions that are possible when emotional and psychological needs are satisfied (for love, for preserving and maintaining self-esteem, for psychological support, protection, mutual assistance and understanding). When the emotional and psychological needs of an individual are not met in marriage, alienation increases, negative feelings and emotions accumulate, and the likelihood of infidelity increases. Spouses don't get along, don't argue, and don't just "move on."

And once again I would like to turn to folk wisdom: “Love without children is like a flower without fragrance.” Having and raising children is the crowning glory of married life. No matter how romantic love itself is, no matter how strong and beautiful it is, children give the greatness of marriage. There are so many problems and questions that arise in the process of raising children. According to sociologists, conflicts between spouses over children are the first issue. And not only young parents, but also parents with extensive work experience.

Methods of reconciliation

On the one hand, it’s as easy as shelling pears to improve relationships after a quarrel: buy a cake, ask for forgiveness (only sincerely!), sit over tea, remember the good moments of your life together - that’s it, the conflict is over.

On the other hand, it can be difficult: if the problem occurs again and again; if the one with whom the scandal occurred is a vulnerable and overly sensitive person; if your guilt is enormous, it’s not a fact that they will forgive you for the cake or even agree to communicate. How then can you make peace?

Wait until all parties to the conflict have calmed down.
Don't bring up the argument again. On the contrary, distract with other conversations.
Make jokes (only in a kind way).
Go somewhere together.
Ask for advice (even on small things) - this will show the person that you value their opinion.
Give a gift he/she can't refuse.

And most importantly, correct yourself and don’t make the same mistakes. Take into account what you were told in an argument. Of course, a lot was thrown out of passion, but you probably caught the essence of the conflict and claims against you personally. If you are not required to betray your faith or abandon your own parents (this also happens), picking up your child from kindergarten or taking out the trash can in the evening is still within your power.

Conflicts between spouses

A husband and wife face a lot of problems in their quest to start a family. At the beginning of family life, young spouses adapt to each other. After the candy-bouquet period, when the chosen one was seen in pink, the time comes for living together, and it turns out that not everything is so ideal. To save your family in the first year of marriage, you should learn to compromise and give in to your partner.

If the crisis of the first year of marriage has been successfully overcome, you cannot relax and let everything take its course. It is necessary to continue to try to smooth out interpersonal conflicts and avoid the causes of their occurrence.

Causes of family conflicts:

different views on everyday life and family life in general;
financial claims, unmet needs, unsettled life;
alcohol abuse of one of the spouses;
lack of common interests outside the home;
diffidence;
jealousy;
adultery;
incompatibility of temperament types;
disrespect for each other's parents;
sexual incompatibility;
selfish behavior of one of the partners.

This is not a complete list of reasons why families begin to fall apart. In order to solve the problem in time and save the family hearth, you need to listen to the following advice.

How to resolve a conflict:

One of the techniques that psychologists recommend on the way to solving a problem is refusing to win the conflict. You must understand that the desire to defeat your loved one is already wrong, this is precisely the basis of the quarrel.
Talk. If there is a misunderstanding, a complaint or any other problem, there is no point in being offended or angry with your partner. Just talk - express your point of view, listen to the opposite one and discuss the situation, look for joint ways out of it.
Learn to find a compromise. Selfishness is not the best companion for family life. This does not mean that you should completely abandon your opinion. But do not forget that since you have decided to tie the knot, you are now obliged to take into account each other’s interests. The situation is aggravated by children, who may suffer from their parents’ inability to yield.
Try to hold back. No guilt or misdeed of an opponent is worth insulting or humiliating him. Especially if at the moment the opponent is a loved one. Try to remain silent in response to the angry attacks of your significant other, gradually the emotions will fade away and the conflict will fade away.
Do not reproach or put pressure on the patient. Having been married for several years, we all already know the weak points of our spouses. Using them in an argument to cause confusion or guilt is low and undignified.
Solve the problem here and now. Do not put off the conversation until later so that the conflict does not develop into tension.
Don't place the blame on one family member. If a problem has arisen, it means that both allowed it, and it needs to be solved together, and not shouldered with responsibility. In addition, solving a problem together brings the family together and strengthens it.

Family life without disagreements is impossible; the main thing is to resolve the conflict in a timely manner and prevent a similar situation in the future.