What to do if your husband corresponds with another woman on the Internet

This problem is not uncommon. It would seem that your marriage was happy, there were no signs of trouble, and suddenly you accidentally discover your husband’s correspondence with another. When the emotions caused by an unexpected discovery subside, two main questions remain: why this happened and how to behave now in order to preserve the relationship.

Most often, women consult with friends or ask visitors to women’s forums for their opinions, but their advice is not always correct. Following such recommendations can sometimes only make the situation worse. If you have witnessed your husband's secret correspondence, the advice of a psychologist is the only thing that makes sense to listen to. Let's find out what experts think about this.

How to understand that he is corresponding with someone else

You can guess that your boyfriend has started flirting or cheating online based on obvious signs:

• Behavior has changed. May become rude and irritable, as if he is tired of spending time with his family. On the other hand, sometimes men become surprisingly sweet and polite - out of guilt, they make up for their virtual romance with good deeds.
• A man spends a lot of time on his phone and at the computer, while the sound of a notification about a new message is constantly heard.
• If the sound is turned off, you can read the emotions on his face: a smile, occasional laughter, an enthusiastic sparkle in his eyes, complete involvement in the conversation.
• Even if he is not texting right now, he constantly looks at his phone, checks for messages, and never leaves his equipment unattended and without a password.
• Many women discover romantic correspondence in passing, accidentally seeing a message. A quick glance over the shoulder snatches piquant words. When using a computer, a pop-up notification appears about a new message in which the interlocutor openly flirts.

A accidentally noticed message can change your whole life.
Life story : “My husband constantly corresponded with someone on a social network, but when I approached, he closed the tab. I deliberately broke my laptop and asked to use his computer to send a letter. When he left, I copied all their correspondence and emailed it to myself. Then I slowly read all their romantic correspondence and printed out the hottest phrases. He couldn’t get away with it, and I couldn’t forgive.”

Why do men text other women?

The problem is quite common in the modern world, and there are many reasons for it. In general, psychologists name 12 events that precede online correspondence with another:

1. Spouses have no time to communicate - they are busy with work, home, and children.
2. The desire to escape from everyday and financial problems.
3. Fatigue from raising children, which takes up all the time.
4. The couple hasn’t gone anywhere together for a long time, they want romance.
5. There is no passion in bed.
6. There was irritation from each other.
7. There are no common interests with my wife and nothing to talk about.
8. Spouses do not share their impressions of the past day: what happened, how work was, how the meeting went.
9. The desire to be distracted and get new sensations, as routine has set in in life.
10. I want to get the attention of women, but I don’t dare to commit real betrayal.
11. My husband has no real friends with similar interests with whom he can simply have a heart-to-heart talk.
12. Curiosity and interest, a desire to get to know new people.
13. Internet addiction: second life, virtual.

This is an incomplete list of reasons why husbands begin to actively or passively flirt with girls online.

The most common reason: the search for new sensations and emotions.

The perpetrators of flirting themselves, in an anonymous survey, named the following reasons for virtual romances:

• search for new sensations (14%);
• communication started by accident and away we go (12.5%)
• I want to flirt, at least virtually (12%);
• lack of self-confidence, increased self-esteem (10%);
• sexual problems in the family (9%);
• love for another (7%);
• from idleness (4%).

To understand why a guy is texting another girl in your situation, you need to talk frankly with him or go to family counseling. The psychologist's answer sometimes helps save the family and restore harmonious relationships.

Three reasons for this behavior

Communication on the Internet is a harmless way for a man to make up for what he lacks in his family. This behavior of a spouse can be caused by various circumstances.

According to psychologists, the following reasons most often contribute to this:

1. Lack of warmth on the part of the spouse.
2. Lack of communication in couples. If a woman is too passionate about everyday life and raising children, a man wants to win at least a little space for himself. This situation is often observed in a family shortly after the birth of a baby. The young mother is so absorbed in caring for her child that she does not have enough energy and time for her husband.
3. Lack of gratitude and admiration. A man needs to feel that his wife appreciates his efforts, endeavors, and achievements.

How to behave if you find your loved one texting

If you discover that a man is corresponding with another woman, do not panic and do not start a scandal. If emotions take over, you can cause trouble or make yourself look unsightly. So first, drink something calming and get some privacy to calm down. And then talk.

You need to talk in a calm voice, without reproaches and with a smile. Start with simple questions: “who writes this?”, “what do they write?”

Depending on the chosen one’s answer, you will either calm down or confirm your suspicions:

1. Ex-wife . If they have common children and their communication is connected with them, do not forbid them to do this. On the contrary, you can sympathize or offer your help.
2. Colleague . Usually this is a harmless correspondence about work issues that did not have time to be resolved in the office. Just in case, you can casually ask, “Did something happen?” and move closer to the screen to read the correspondence. If he hurriedly closes the window and waves it off, you can doubt the working relationship. But if there is nothing to hide, most likely the man will irritably comment on his colleague’s intrusiveness and show the messages. Defuse the situation by asking if he corresponds with everyone or only with pretty and unmarried girls.
3. Another woman . You won’t get a direct answer; it’s rare for a man to immediately admit to a virtual affair. Most likely he will say that an acquaintance is simply imposing her communication, and he is responding out of politeness. The excuses may be different, but everything will be clear from the behavior. He will start to get nervous, mumble something, quickly close the chat, and try to take the conversation in a different direction.

If, upon hearing such a harmless question, a man explodes, starts screaming and accuses him of being overly curious, this is most likely a defensive reaction. When he was caught red-handed, he became nervous and decided to attack first. Out of confusion, the woman will begin to make excuses, and he will get away with it.

Some don’t even hide the correspondence, considering it innocent flirting.

In any case, it is necessary to react to this event in order to prevent or stop flirting. If you close your eyes to such behavior, it will become the norm - because he sees that you don’t mind.

How to save a relationship

First of all, a man must understand that correspondence with other women is a betrayal. Only if he realizes his mistake will it be possible to move on and resolve everything peacefully.

Relationships are the daily work of both spouses, so without his help nothing will work out. He must agree to help and assist you. The ability to find the right solution and compromise is very important. But you must meet each other halfway.

Read the correspondence

But only if you want it yourself. Many women are able to come up with scenarios in their heads that are much more terrible than they actually are. Therefore, in some cases it is better to familiarize yourself with real texts than to beat yourself up from ignorance.

Ask your husband to provide access, and calmly read all the information. So you can understand the level of your husband’s offense:

• friendly correspondence with light flirting, where the initiative came from the woman;
• virtual sex with the exchange of intimate photos, discussion of real meetings, active flirting of the husband.

Depending on the severity of the crime, you can consider the punishment.

Find out the reasons for the correspondence

In a friendly manner, ask your spouse about his relationship with virtual girls. Take an interest in the reasons that prompted the correspondence. What didn’t suit you in the relationship, what made you interested in it, what emotions it gave.

Most often, men say that they were simply curious, interested in communicating with someone else and getting new emotions.

Curiosity is the first step to betrayal.

Above you can see the common reasons that usually push men to correspond, but in your case the situation may be different. Listen carefully to your spouse and hear. Don't be offended if he criticizes and blames you, try to understand what didn't suit him. Then it will be easier to fix everything.

Explain that this is unpleasant for you

Tell your husband how you feel. Try to speak “I-message”, focusing on your experiences, and not on his mistakes. Eg:

• “When you text other women, I feel lonely and deceived.”
• “When you talk to her, I’m afraid
  that you don’t love me anymore and we’ll break up.”
• “When I found out about your correspondence, I was afraid that you would commit real betrayal.”
• “When you ignore me, I am offended by your indifference.”
• “When you don’t want to discuss the issue, I worry that you don’t care about my feelings.”
• “When I found out that you were communicating with someone on the Internet, I was angry and still cannot forgive you for your betrayal.”

This is especially important in a situation where the husband does not recognize his offense as something serious. Well, he texts, he flirts on the Internet, but in real life he remains faithful. The future of your relationship depends on whether you can communicate your feelings to him.

Spend more time together

Real communication is more attractive than virtual communication, so offer your husband family activities. First, you need to find common ground - common topics of conversation and passion. Remember what you talked about before you lost touch with each other. Renew these conversations or find new topics.

Real communication is always better than virtual communication.

Agree to turn off gadgets in the evenings and on weekends and devote time to your family. Buy board games, go on a picnic, take a walk in the park, play a computer game together.

If you have children, setting aside at least one evening a week or month for romance is very important. Leave them with a nanny or relatives, and go out somewhere together or have a romantic dinner at home. Make love when there are no distractions and you can relax.

Change your behavior

Remember what your man complained about when he explained the reasons for his misconduct. To save the family, you need to change so that the situation does not repeat itself:

1. Attention husband . In a series of household chores, child care, shopping runs and other routine, you often have to give up something. Women usually refuse time for themselves and their husbands. But it is better to reduce or share household chores with your husband, because this will not hit the family so hard.
2. Take an interest in his life . At dinner or while cooking together, ask about their day. It’s good if you can ask specific questions - how the meeting with company N went, what was decided at the meeting, how project X is progressing. Such clarifications will let your husband know that you are really listening to him and remember important things.
3. Look after yourself . After marriage, many women relax and focus on everyday life, forgetting about beauty. But men often love with their eyes, so appearance is very important. Maintain your weight within normal limits, do not wear “lounge” clothes at home, and do a simple hairstyle in the morning.
4. Stop nagging . Often husbands run away into a virtual romance in order to at least get admiration and approval somewhere. After all, the wife at home only criticizes, reminds of mistakes, compares with others, demands to become better, stronger, faster. Stop putting pressure on your spouse so that he can relax at home and doesn’t have to go online headlong.

Sharing housework brings families together.

In turn, you can ask him to change to make it easier for you to pay attention to him. Divide responsibilities around the house, look after the child in the evening, give a ride home from work, buy groceries after work, don’t go away for the whole weekend with friends.

The main thing is to remember about “I-messages”, it will be easier to agree with them: “I will have more time to communicate with you if you wash the dishes in the evening.”

Bring back the romance

Many couples eventually turn into simple cohabitants who raise children together. There is no passion, romance or fidelity in this relationship. To avoid becoming one of them, you need to work on your relationships. Both.

Without love, husband and wife are just cohabitants.

You don’t need to sing a serenade every day or give 1000 roses, because romance is in the little things:

• prepare a delicious lunch by decorating the dish in the shape of a heart;
• watch a romantic film (or another genre) in an embrace;
• buy beautiful underwear, new perfume and appear in front of your spouse wearing only this;
• write a sweet romantic note and stick it in his pocket or hang it on the refrigerator;
• While you are preparing dinner, turn on romantic music and slow dance;
• kiss and hug each other for no reason;
• make small surprises: make a nice gift, bring lunch to work;
• help each other in different matters, etc.

Love is shown in actions, not in words. And she slips into little things that are more important than staged scenes.

What not to do

In such a situation, you can make mistakes that you will greatly regret later. So no matter how much you want to, avoid the following actions:

• Cheating out of revenge on your husband - after discovering betrayal, you may have a desire to do the same. But if you didn’t have such thoughts before, it means that you are actually resentful. Over time, the emotions will pass, and you will be ashamed of your actions.
• When writing to your rival , don’t write nasty things, don’t call for conscience, don’t beg her to leave her husband. The problem is not with the stranger, but with your husband. Even if she stops communicating, he can find someone else.
• Humiliate yourself - in such a situation, there is no need to beg your husband to stop communicating by promising some benefits or humiliating yourself in any other way. If you show that you will do anything to save the marriage, he will simply sit on your neck.
• Hysteria and scandal are an unpleasant situation, the man made a terrible mistake and you have the right to be angry. But there is no need to make a scene, scream until you lose your voice and throw objects. Nobody likes hysterics, and perhaps it was precisely this behavior that led the husband to correspond with another. First calm down, then start a dialogue. Only in such a situation can you achieve something.
• Threatening suicide - you cannot keep another person by blackmail; rather, such phrases will push him away from you even more.

A family cannot be saved by fear and pity.

The main thing is to keep your head cool

Photo by Anna Nekrashevich: Pexels
If you are faced with a similar situation, you should not make decisions rashly, take all actions only when your emotions subside and you can approach the issue in a balanced and thoughtful manner.

Everyone has heard more than once that it is wrong to look for information in your husband’s phone. However, situations are indeed different.

Perhaps you accidentally discovered unpleasant facts, or perhaps you wanted to find something yourself. In any case, there is no point in blaming yourself for this. Everything has already happened.

The nature of the correspondence matters, because there is a huge difference between light flirting and communication on the topic of an existing close relationship between a husband and another woman. Therefore, before starting a scandal and clarifying the relationship, it is worth understanding the current situation in more detail.

What to do if nothing helps

In some situations, a man cannot be changed. He doesn’t see any problems in his behavior, he doesn’t care about his wife’s feelings, it’s more important for him to get pleasant emotions from communicating with strangers online. This can't be fixed.

You will have to find a way out of this situation on your own, and there are not many options.

come to terms

If you are not ready to destroy your family because of your husband’s virtual affair, you need to accept the situation as it is and come to terms with it. In the end, he sits at home, doesn’t spend family money on mistresses, doesn’t get infected with anything and, by and large, just corresponds on the Internet. Many women don’t even see a problem in this situation.

Don't think about it and sleep peacefully.

It is worth understanding that having come to terms with your husband’s action, you need to completely let go of the situation:

• do not look through correspondence, do not read SMS, do not try to find out details;
• forgive your husband, don’t nag about this situation, don’t reproach, but simply ignore, as if it didn’t happen;
• don’t overthink yourself, don’t invent unnecessary things and don’t be jealous, take care of your nerves.

Learn to treat your husband's virtual hobbies as an unpleasant habit. Someone smokes, someone plays tanks, and yours communicates on the Internet. Just believe in your man - he promised that nothing would go beyond correspondence, so it is so. And regular messaging never hurt anyone.

Psychologist's advice

If you cannot convey your feelings to your spouse on your own, the only thing left to do is go to family counseling. Advice from psychologists, looking at the situation from the outside, discussing hidden motives for cheating in the presence of a professional can move the situation forward.

Perhaps the husband will trust a male psychologist more.

Most likely, the spouse will not want to voluntarily go to counseling, because he does not see the problem. Then you will have to make a choice - either a psychologist or a divorce. You do not intend to tolerate such behavior, and are ready for any solution to the problem.

If he wants to save his family, he will agree. And if not, then there is nothing to hold on to.

Breake down

In severe cases, the only correct solution is to break off the relationship. It’s worth deciding on this if:

• the spouse refuses to acknowledge the problem, does not want to go to a psychologist and does not try to save the relationship;
• if the correspondence indicates not only flirting, but also virtual sex, the exchange of intimate photographs, details about real meetings in the past;
• For you, such behavior of your husband is unacceptable and you cannot forgive him for his betrayal, then there is no point in maintaining the relationship.

Before deciding to divorce, make sure that you have tried all the methods, including the help of a psychologist. Sometimes a couple cannot agree on their own, and they need an outside perspective.

When to break up

You should break off a relationship in one case - if the man does not see the problem and is not going to stop his activities. Even despite the fact that you calmly told him how unpleasant his flirtations with other girls were to you. And for you this is completely unacceptable.

Well, even more so if the correspondence not only does not stop, but also begins to turn into something more.

Well, in general, if you have a fundamentally different view of life together, if he believes that there is nothing wrong with flirting on the side, and even with virtual sex (what about Chetakova?!), it’s easier to find yourself a new man than to diligently re-educate old

When a guy texts another girl

The situation with young couples has its own nuances that are worth considering separately. After all, the relationship began quite recently, it should not yet have routine, fatigue, or a pile of accumulated problems. So why does a young man need to communicate on the side?

1. Simple communication . Among young people, communication with the opposite sex can be truly friendly. Many people make friends and girlfriends with whom they communicate in a large company. They can simply exchange funny pictures, gossip about mutual friends, discuss going to a new place, and so on. No romantic inclinations or flirting. In such a situation, there is no need to be nervous and worry, because having friends is normal.
2. Search for other options . In the first weeks and even months, the couple only takes a closer look and gets used to each other. They seem to be together, but at the same time they are afraid of missing out on something better. In such a situation, a young man can communicate with other ladies, flirt with them, hint at relationships, so that in case of a more winning game he will switch there. Such behavior is a betrayal, and it is not discussed.
3. Search for new sensations - if at the beginning of your relationship you already need to dispel the routine, then something is wrong in them. You cannot build a future with such a foundation, because even before the everyday routine, monotony and addiction, your passion has faded. What will happen next?

So if a guy is texting another girl, the psychologist’s answer will be unequivocal - break up. Unless, of course, this is friendly communication. In a long-term marriage, such a situation can signal accumulated problems, routine and fading feelings. For the sake of preserving the family, you can try to restore the relationship.

The relationship has just begun, and there is already a chasm between them.

But at the beginning of a relationship there should not be such problems. If now, even before marriage, he is already flirting online with others, what will happen next? Having become a husband, such people will not limit themselves to simple correspondence and will go further. After all, the feeling of dissatisfaction will only grow.

What's wrong in a relationship if a guy is texting another girl? The psychologist's answer may surprise you. In a budding relationship, the problem usually lies not in the girl, but in the boy himself:

• unpreparedness for a serious relationship;
• reluctance to limit yourself to just one;
• desire to assert oneself;
• loves attention to his person;
• keeps another in reserve;
• I don't think it could hurt the girl.

In any case, you should have an honest conversation with the guy. Find out the real reason, communicate your feelings, ask them to stop this behavior. Based on his reaction and the reasons stated, you can understand whether you have a chance for the future.

Is it worth checking your phone?

Every woman asks herself this sensitive question: is it worth checking her partner’s phone? The telephone is the personal space of every person, therefore, in order to get into it, you must be sure of your spouse’s infidelity. You can only read other people's messages to confirm your suspicions.

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Advice from a psychologist. Unless absolutely necessary, it is better not to touch your husband’s phone. He might catch you and it will make you look bad.

Ordinary correspondence with a girl cannot be considered cheating if things have not progressed to serious action. In most cases, this is just harmless flirting for fun or out of boredom. Trust your husband and be happy!

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Women's opinion

Here's what female representatives say about this:

Ekaterina (35 years old): “I think that all men can sometimes indulge in some kind of flirting, just to assert themselves. Therefore, when I found my husband’s correspondence with someone else, I was not at all surprised. He wants to feel attractive to women. He stays at home, I don’t mind.”

Natalya (25 years old): “My husband constantly corresponds with other women and lies to me, so we often have scandals on this basis. It calms down for a while, but then everything repeats itself again. I no longer believe that anything can change for the better. Maybe I don’t want anything anymore.”

Anastasia (39 years old): “I didn’t find such correspondence with my husband, but I think that he corresponds with other women who has too much free time. This will lead to intimacy. I could not tolerate such behavior!”

Many relationships begin with correspondence on the Internet.

Anna (21 years old): “I’m in love and I think if I read the guy’s correspondence with someone else, I would break up. That means he doesn't like it. And there’s no reason to continue living together.”

Angelina (19 years old): “My relationship with my boyfriend began with correspondence, and he was still dating his ex. So I know where this can lead, and I forbid him to communicate with others.”

Oksana (33 years old): “When I realized that my husband was cheating on me, I didn’t ask him anything, since I was at home on maternity leave to care for a child. I felt very bad and hard, but I didn’t want to make the situation worse. The husband behaved as usual at home. When the child grew up, I began to pay more attention to my husband and my appearance, and went in for sports so that he understood what he could lose. Gradually, the husband began to be at home more often, perhaps leaving his hobby in the past. Now ours have improved, but I haven’t forgotten.”

Katya (28 years old): “I sometimes communicate with my ex-boyfriends, but nothing serious, we broke up a long time ago. It’s just interesting to remember and talk. Therefore, I don’t mind if my boyfriend is interested in the future fate of his ex, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Women assess this situation ambiguously; all opinions are subjective.

What not to do when you find a correspondence

• Do not panic.

Panic will get you nowhere. You will only waste the energy and strength that you so need now.

• Don't make responsible decisions.

Talking about divorce and packing things up should be postponed until the whole situation becomes clearer. And after time, your opinion can change dramatically.

• Do not sort things out with your “rival”.

You should not call the offender and try to call her to conscience. It’s especially not worth threatening and intimidating. Your husband is solely responsible for the correspondence to you, because he decided to enter into a dialogue, no one forced him.

• Don't manipulate.

You should not blackmail your husband with children or everyday matters. Stopping making dinner or stopping doing his laundry is not the best strategy. This can only worsen your relationship.