“Me or her”: what to do if your husband left for his mistress

“I’m leaving for someone else”... Words that put an end to relationships and ruin joint plans. This is treason and betrayal. In terms of the intensity of emotional experiences, separation from your husband is equal to a natural disaster. A huge wave of negative emotions rolls in - fear of loneliness, guilt, self-doubt, anger and resentment towards a partner, hatred of a rival. But in any emergency situation, it is important to remain calm and composure. In the article we will talk about the reasons that push men to cheat. What to do after betrayal - get a divorce or try to return your husband to the family?

Why do husbands leave the family?

“All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” These words of L. Tolstoy very accurately characterize the complexity of the relationship between two people. Without a painstakingly collected “history”, it is difficult to identify the reason that prompts a particular man to pack his things and leave (no matter - to his mistress or “to nowhere”). One thing is clear - this is a consequence of unresolved conflicts in the family. When problems accumulate like a snowball, without achieving a positive outcome.

Of course, a complete break in relationships is a fairly radical way out of a family crisis. But not every person can boast of a “reserve” of patience and wisdom, which are so necessary to solve problems in relationships. If the words “I’m leaving” sounded like a bolt from the blue to you, not only the very moment of a crisis situation in the family, but also the point of no return has been missed.

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Let's figure out why a man cheats and, as a result, leaves his family for his mistress?

1. A man's psychological unpreparedness to be a husband

Marriage is a great responsibility for each partner. Some men, due to their character or the attitudes they learned from childhood, are not psychologically ready to bear this “burden” - taking care of loved ones, solving routine problems. And it's not always about age. Even fully mature men are not ready for marriage. They only need freedom without responsibility for children and relationships. [1]

An affair “on the side” does not burden you and gives you a storm of positive emotions. But most likely, even if he leaves for his mistress, a psychologically immature man will not find happiness. History will repeat itself - he will leave the new woman as soon as she begins to encroach on his freedom.

1. Communication is completely negative

When the “weather in the house” is continuous thunderstorms and downpours, a man will look for a person with whom he feels calm and comfortable. And his mistress may well become his best friend, who will listen and support.

Perhaps the husband will want to leave the family forever if not everything is going well at home and he cannot restore peace in his relationship with his wife.

1. Different life values

Before marriage, you thought that “love will survive all obstacles.” But it is important to take into account one more point - the life values ​​of each partner. This is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome on the path to family happiness.

Incompatibility of goals can manifest itself in everything: in the desire or unwillingness to have children, in the choice of housing, in a suitable standard of living.

If compromises regarding basic life goals are not found before marriage, family relationships will face serious challenges. A man can find the woman with whom he is “on the same path”, who initially shares his life values.

1. Family routine

Some men consider the stability and regularity of family life to be a disadvantage. Not everyone can meekly “pull the burden” of monotonous family relationships. Some people like bright emotions, relationships filled with adrenaline and passion. A man begins to cheat, or maybe even leave his wife for a new partner in search of thrills.

According to psychologists, it is family routine that often becomes the cause of divorce during one of the crisis periods that all marriages go through (1 year, 3 years, 7 years, 15 years and more than 20 years together). Instead of overcoming relationship difficulties with his wife, the man prefers a simpler solution to the problem - leaving. Perhaps he does not understand that even with his mistress he will very soon become “bored” and face everyday difficulties. [2]

1. "Clan" conflicts

Psychologist L. Ermakova in her book “Overcoming Divorces” identifies another possible reason for a husband’s leaving the family - difficult relationships with relatives (her own or a partner’s). Sometimes serious struggles unfold on the basis of “clan” conflicts. Not everyone is able to be more flexible in their relationships with relatives, hence the numerous problems in the family, which sometimes you want to escape from. [2]

1. Disappointment in each other

Partners change in marriage. Before the wedding, it seems that the loved one is ideal, but life makes its own adjustments - both the husband and wife show their true character traits, and all their shortcomings and bad habits begin to emerge. Against this background, the saddest outcome is possible - complete disappointment in each other.

What changes in a wife might a husband not accept? Coldness and aloofness in relationships, unkempt appearance, attempts to dominate, excessive care. Every problem can be solved, but sometimes there is no strength or desire to get out of the crisis that has arisen. When a man realizes that he is not living with “the” woman he once knew, he can make a radical decision - to leave.

Communication is very important6

Unfortunately, a man and a woman do not communicate properly with each other because no one taught them to do so. We need to realize that the way we talk to each other is of great importance. There are principles of good communication that protect against escalation of anger, aggression and grief. When a man feels attacked, his knee-jerk reaction is to defend, counterattack or leave, simply run away. Incredibly, this is also a signal for a man to run away from the relationship.

Men are more action-oriented than women, which means they express feelings in different ways. Men appreciate a woman who loves them, admires them, praises them, and tells them how resourceful and wonderful a man is.

Although women generally want a strong psychological connection, men often express their feelings through physical intimacy or sex. When a wife does not want to get closer, a man interprets this as follows: “she rejects me as a person.” Using sex as a bargaining chip is emotional blackmail and can drive him away. Negotiations play an important role. Refusing sex too often can make your partner think that you don't love them as much as before, and in return will also show you less affection.

Every person can change. But it is better to focus on your own selfishness than to try to change your partner's behavior. Unfortunately, some women perceive marriage as the starting point for a “spouse transformation.” When a man notices that his home and family are no longer his castle, he ceases to feel like a real man and it seems to him that he is in the middle of an empty field where he cannot exist. If a woman eliminates some of his qualities and habits at any cost, the man will certainly decide that it will be easier to leave.

Research confirms that money is one of the main sources of misunderstanding in marriage. A family budget management scheme is very important for maintaining healthy relationships. If a woman is planning to book flights or buy a dishwasher, a man should know about it. The same applies to the decision to spend the weekend together. Planning together can bring a lot of joy.

Learning from other people's mistakes: stories of women whose husbands left them

“Six months ago, my husband left me for his mistress. Left me with two boys (8 years old and 3 years old). We lived together for 12 years, and he crossed everything out at once. He said that he found another woman when I just gave birth to my second child. I was shocked - it turns out that their relationship lasted about 3 years, and I was in the dark, raising our children. My husband left the family one day - he simply packed his things, said goodbye and closed the door behind him.

The betrayal of my spouse was a real stab in the back. But I continue to love him, I cannot live without him. I asked my husband to come back. For the first couple of months, she called him and wrote SMS without stopping. I did everything I could - I argued, begged, and threatened to forbid him to see the children. She asked her mother-in-law to “put pressure” on him. She even talked to her husband’s mistress and appealed to her conscience. It didn’t look much like a calm conversation - I was simply yelling and threatening the homewrecker. My husband cut himself off from everyone in his new family and stopped answering my calls. I started seeing my children while I was at work. And he generally avoids any contact with me.

Recently my husband said that I was not letting him live and was turning the children against him. In general, now he is going to leave for another city. Is it really impossible to bring your husband home from his mistress? I can’t live without him.”

— Elena, 30 years old

Whether a husband will leave for his mistress forever depends largely on the behavior of his wife.

One of the most popular methods that women use to get a man back is to actually hunt him. There are endless calls and scandals. According to psychologists, such tactics do not work. The ex-wife's obsessive behavior, bordering on aggression, only unbalances him. The pursuit will be successful only if the man left for his mistress due to lack of attention from his wife.

A man will appreciate constant reminders of himself in the form of “random” meetings and status updates on social networks only if he still has warm feelings for the woman. And when there are no longer any emotions, he may simply not pay attention to your efforts.

When sorting out personal relationships, few people think about children. But things don’t get any easier for them—with their parents’ divorce, their idea of ​​a safe home collapses. Therefore, a woman should definitely abandon the manipulation tactics when the cheater is forbidden to meet with children unless he returns to the family. But even if he accepts your conditions, this can hardly be called a victory - the husband will return not for the sake of love, but only for the good of the children.

Another frequently used way to get your husband back is to connect your family and friends to a personal problem. The situation resembles a real conspiracy. But a man in love, if he is truly carried away by another woman, will not listen to anyone’s arguments and persuasion. This could threaten a complete breakdown of his relationships with relatives and mutual friends. [3]

“My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have a beautiful girl growing up, she is 5 years old. We went through a lot together - a lack of money, unsuccessful attempts to have children, and a crisis after the birth of our long-awaited daughter. And we have achieved a lot - we have a big house, everyone has a good job, many friends, travel at least once a year.

I have always been confident in my husband. I felt that he would never let me down. But everything has changed. As I later found out, my husband had an office romance. To be honest, I didn’t even know about his mistress - he somehow managed to hide her endless calls and meetings in rented apartments.

A year ago he confessed everything to me - he’s been cheating for 2 years now. He said that he could no longer hide his betrayal and did not know what to do next. We had a difficult conversation. I couldn’t forgive him, I suggested breaking up. As a result, the husband went to live with his mistress, who was waiting for him.

I tried to endure the breakup with confidence, because I have a child - you can’t become limp. Although I was choked with anger, I peacefully talked with my husband about divorce and division of property. I was not against him seeing my daughter, since they are very attached to each other. And for the sake of the child’s peace of mind, I was ready to do anything. I didn’t try to push my mistress away from her husband, I tried not to think about their relationship at all. And I asked mutual friends not to “gossip” about them in front of me.

Six months later, life somehow settled down. I worked, talked with friends. I didn’t try to build new relationships because I realized that I wasn’t ready yet. Recently, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, I met my ex-husband. We talked and it turned out that he had not been living with his mistress for several months. He said that she was “different, not like me,” and that didn’t suit him at all. He asked if I could forgive him. I gave him one more chance. Now we live together again and are trying to restore the old relationship. It’s hard for both me and him. But we try because we love each other.”

— Olga, 35 years old

Divorce is a difficult experience for both partners. And it is very important to pull yourself together and come to a common denominator together. How to divide property? How many times a week do you see your children? Without stooping to shouting and reproaches, it is quite possible to maintain a friendly relationship with your husband. And if he later realizes that he left for the “wrong” one, you can try to “resurrect” the marriage.

A woman who is ready to forgive her husband will have to reconsider her attitude towards family life. Only by fully accepting the situation can you truly forgive betrayal, without constantly remembering hidden grievances in quarrels. You have to live with the knowledge that a man once betrayed you. [3]

What not to do after separating from your husband

It is impossible to say unequivocally that a husband who has left for another will return if his ex-wife begins to behave “by the rules.” But, judging by the reviews of women who have experienced their spouse’s betrayal, the worthy behavior of a partner left alone at least evokes deep respect from the unfaithful man and his assessment of his own actions as unseemly.

The most common mistakes made by an abandoned spouse, which can further alienate a man and make him think that his leaving was the right decision:

• constant calls and attempts to find out from him what pushed him to take such a step;
• the beginning of active communication with colleagues and friends of the ex-husband with accusations against him and requests to facilitate a reunion;
• speculation about the possibility of meeting a spouse with children;
• retention of a man’s personal property - his documents or necessary things;
• threats to a lover’s new passion or searching for meetings with her with the intention of having a heart-to-heart talk.

Wanting to attract the attention of their ex-husband and make him jealous, some women take a desperate step and rush into a new relationship before they are mentally ready for it. Such an ill-considered action always results in bad consequences: the ex-husband becomes convinced that he was dealing with a frivolous person, and the woman herself receives serious psychological trauma and is deprived of the opportunity to experience deep feelings for a long time.

Difficult, but possible: how to get your husband back from your mistress?

So, the husband left for someone else. Emotions at the limit - panic, a feeling of hopelessness, anger. The first desire is to beg to stay, because you cannot erase the years spent together in one fell swoop. But the problem cannot be solved without finding out the reasons for its occurrence. It is important to understand why the husband decided to leave the family. What is this - true love, momentary infatuation or complete rejection of family life?

Before you throw all your energy into bringing your husband back from his mistress to the family, think carefully about whether it’s worth taking this step at all. Use common sense.

Psychologists warn about this:

• You need to fight for marriage only if both partners are committed to preserving the family.
• It will take time to build relationships. You need to be prepared for the fact that this time will be wasted - it is not always possible to “glue” a marriage together.
• After one of your partners cheats, it is very difficult to restore trust in the relationship.
• If a man has an affair “on the side,” there is a risk that it will happen again. [2]

What recommendations will help return your husband to the family and restore the relationship?

1. Talk

Leaving negative emotions aside, talk calmly with your husband. Does he still have feelings for you? Be frank - say that you want your family back and are ready to work on yourself. But is he himself ready for this?

Psychologists advise giving up attempts to “resurrect” the relationship if the husband loves his mistress. Don't make life difficult for yourself or your man. We'll have to accept the situation and move on.

1. Work on bugs

If your husband left the family for his mistress for good reasons - your constant groundless reproaches, scandals, manipulations, prudence - work on your mistakes. Draw the right conclusions from the situation and try to change.

Even if you don’t get your husband back, personal changes will help you further establish a harmonious relationship with your new partner.

1. Find common ground

You and your husband have lived together for a long time, and you probably have a lot of common ground - common interests, affairs. You can try to revive all this. And if there are children from the marriage, you will not stop seeing each other.

Shared memories, walks with a child - all this will help to establish a good, trusting relationship with a man. If work has been done to correct the mistakes, there is every chance of returning the spouse to the family.

1. "Either me or her"

In some cases, men who have chosen mistresses continue to “visit” their wives because they lack the warmth and comfort of home. This often happens when the husband went to his young mistress just in search of thrills. But such a relationship will not help the couple get out of the crisis. The man is trying to sit on two chairs at the same time; he is still attached to the family he left behind.

It is important to convey to the man the idea that you will accept him back, but he must break up with his mistress. If betrayal with further separation was a momentary weakness, he will accept your conditions.

Results

So, many are trying to escape from a legal marriage, but the overwhelming majority are trying to return. The main thing is to behave calmly, not to succumb to resentment, pain, and not to try to find out everything immediately after announcing your departure. As time passes, the ex will be pulled back, and it’s up to the offended spouse to decide whether to accept or learn from mistakes and prevent divorce next time. They do not leave strong, independent, self-sufficient women who have a goal in life and it is not concentrated in the world of one man. Those who have been abandoned can look back and see that they devoted themselves entirely to family and home, but in the end they were left with nothing. Family is a constant work, an investment of strength, but not only in comfort and husband, but, first of all, in yourself.

Write in the comments, is it worth letting the runaway husband back? What reasons for leaving can become a lesson, and which can be forgiven?

He left completely: how to survive the breakup?

Regardless of the real reason for the divorce, you will have to somehow establish a friendly relationship with your husband (at least for the sake of the children), cope with your own depression and apathy, and solve everyday problems alone.

What to do if the husband wants to leave the family forever?

1. Realize what's happening to you

According to psychologists, coping with a breakup can be compared to grief after the death of a loved one. A woman goes through the same stages:

• Shock - disbelief at what happened.
• Anger - attacks of aggression, anger and hatred towards the husband and his new passion.
• Bargaining is trying to do everything to get your loved one back.
• Awareness - apathy and depression, when an understanding of what happened finally comes.
• Acceptance is coming to terms with reality.

Think about what stage you are in right now. All further “therapy” depends on this. When there is an understanding of the emotions being experienced, it will be easier to cope with yourself. [2]

1. Take a time out

When a husband leaves the family, the first 2-3 months are the most difficult. This is the shock phase. And in such a state, when anger and resentment rule the roost, you can commit a lot of rash actions.

Try to be calmer without being influenced by negative emotions. Take yourself a time out. And during this period, do not make any serious decisions. Let your psyche return to a stable state after the shock, then you will be able to think rationally.

1. Get rid of the victim complex and guilt

How does a woman usually react to her partner’s announcement of divorce? She begins to think that she did something wrong, feels more acutely all the mistakes she made earlier, and becomes unsure of herself.

You need to get rid of the victim complex and feelings of guilt. This interferes with personality development and provokes the development of depression. It is important to understand that breakups are rarely anyone’s fault. Try to accept the fact that your husband preferred another woman not because she was better or more beautiful, but because circumstances developed that way. You both couldn't hold on to what you had. [3]

1. In times of despair, return to the here and now.

Thoughts about the past, and even more so about the future, after parting will be depressing. As soon as you feel negative emotions rolling in, try to immediately return yourself to the “here and now” state. This will allow you to maintain your ability to work when suffering and guilt take literally all your strength.

This does not mean that you need to completely protect yourself from negativity. Why run away from yourself? You won't get through a breakup unless you rethink everything that happened. But sadness doesn't have to last forever.

1. Don't be shy to ask for help

What prevents a person from seeking help and support from loved ones during difficult periods of life? Fear of appearing weak. You need to get rid of it. Don’t close yourself off, don’t try to heroically get out of the crisis alone.

Ask and accept help, listen to the sensible advice of close friends who do not leave you in difficult times.

1. Take care of your personal life

There will be more free time after the breakup. Dedicate it not to suffering, but to working on yourself. How long have you put off going to the hairdresser or shopping for a new dress? It's time to do this. Try to lead an active lifestyle. Find an interesting hobby. It doesn’t matter what exactly it will be - dancing, beading, knitting - the main thing is that you enjoy the activity and bring positive emotions.

1. Take advantage of 7Spsy behavior modification technology

Not every woman, after the betrayal of a loved one, is able to pull herself together and move on with her head held high. This situation leads to severe emotional consequences. Long-term worries about divorce can become a habit—a learned pattern of behavior. It is important not to miss the point of no return and find a way to improve your own life after breaking up with your husband.

If you correct negative attitudes, you have every chance of getting out of a crisis situation with minimal losses. An excellent result is shown by the course of returning fidelity to your spouse using the method of behavioral psychology. This is a patented method of behavioral psychology, based on the theories of I. P. Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, A. A. Ukhtomsky.

Let us help you find fidelity in your family life

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Completing the course will help you change those behavioral attitudes that push you into the abyss of fears and complexes after breaking up with a man. You will understand that the world has not stopped, but continues to rotate at the same pace. This is important when dealing with any stressful situations. Having mastered a healthy model of behavior, you will stop blaming yourself for what happened. And this is the beginning of a new path, when it will be possible to build a new personal life without the shadow of the past falling on it.

The course on behavior modification technology 7Spsy is designed for up to 6 weeks. The training takes place in a convenient remote mode. Specialists answer all questions and provide advice via e-mail, chat and phone. You don't have to advertise your work with a psychologist if you don't want to. Participation in the course is strictly confidential.

Remember, no matter what happens, your happiness is in your hands! Don't let suffering trap you in the abyss of eternal sadness.

Sources:

1. “Psychology of the modern family”, 2004, V. M. Tseluiko.
2. “Overcoming Divorce”, 2009, D. Semenik.
3. “Family psychology: problems, professional approaches to solving them: Textbook”, 2011, T. A. Makedon.