To forgive or not to forgive
Repentance will still come, but it will come after the person begins to lose.
Loved ones, friends, familiar comforts. Like that horse that didn't fulfill its purpose. You have to pay for everything in this life. And not to the one who has already been offended, but to the offender. And this is the law of cause and effect. The law of the universe about forgiveness
And it manifests itself, whether we want to understand it or not. Until the offender is punished for his misdeeds, the one who constantly forgives him will be responsible for him, without giving him the opportunity to suffer a well-deserved punishment. It is he who will suffer. And this is the mistake of the one who forgives even when the offender has stumbled three or more times.
By forgiving a criminal and allowing him to continue committing crimes, we become his accomplices. Therefore, think about whether you should learn to forgive people and let go of grievances, or, on the contrary, let a person understand that he is doing something bad by offending people.
Philosophy of resentment.
Let's take a standard situation - an aggressor (offender) and a victim. That is, there is a person who offended you, committed an action that you strongly did not like, and this is even putting it mildly, you are in excruciating pain, emotions are raging in you, and you cannot do anything about these feelings.
The traditional approach to forgiveness implies that you should be generous to the aggressor and forgive him. At the same time, you become practically a martyr, and the aggressor remains a scoundrel.
So, this approach will not help get rid of resentment, because nothing changes, just for a while, feeling your generosity, although you let go of the situation and forgive.
Why is that? Because our society broadcasts the cult of the victim, a lot rests on sacrifice, you need to be patient and at the same time, not make any attempts to change the situation.
Judge for yourself, how much sympathy and pity do people who have been treated unfairly evoke?
Therefore, the first step to true forgiveness is to leave the position of victim.
How to get out of the victim position?
Stop thinking in the direction of your unhappiness, understand that injustice exists, yes, it exists, and you can’t do anything about it. You will be a victim as long as you think so.
If you feel sorry for yourself, lament, hate your offender. You are stuck in the past, in your emotions and experiences. There is one thing, the victim, cannot change anything, she folds her paws in front of the circumstances and bows her head submissively.
Are you a victim?
If you were not looking for information about forgiveness, but were quietly whining in the corner, then you would be a victim.
Let's agree that you no longer consider yourself a victim, at least in the “here and now”? Fine?
How to learn to forgive
How to forgive an offender
“Forgiveness is a conscious decision, a state of mind and soul that needs to be worked on day after day.” Below we will present you with some simple steps to forgiveness that anyone can use.
1. Become one with your emotions
Think about where and in what state you are at the moment. Throw away all prejudices and be honest with yourself. Don't judge yourself or blame yourself for what happened, but take what happens responsibly and seriously. Try not to make rash decisions. In order to clarify your thoughts and sort out your thoughts, you can write them and your feelings on a piece of paper - this will make it much easier for you to organize the mess in your head.
After you have written down your thoughts and feelings, think about what you can do in the moment to get rid of them or ease your state of mind. In order to master your emotions and lift your spirits, it is not necessary to take global measures - you can, for example, go for a walk, take a breath of fresh air to calm down and move on to the next points with a fresh mind.
In addition, you can spend a few hours alone with nature or engage in creativity: drawing, coloring various elements, creating patterns, music. You can write a letter or even ask a loved one for help or, in extreme cases, a specialist.
2. Let go of the past
One of the most important steps to forgiveness and a happy life is learning to let go of the past and live in the present, even in the face of traumatic experiences. Often we drag the past along with us, not noticing that it is pulling us down and blocking our path to freedom. In the absence of regular training in the ability to let go of the past, we become hostage to our emotions and accumulate negative thoughts that turn into chaos. They cloud our minds and prevent us from looking at things soberly.
In order to start living in the present, train yourself to see beauty in the little things. To begin with, you can go to the park, close your eyes and listen to the world around you. Every sound, every smell is beautiful in its own way. Learn to notice beauty in the rustling of leaves and the scent of rain.
Another easy way to let go of the past is to keep a diary. It's much easier to organize your thoughts on paper. There you can answer the questions asked to yourself in a detailed form, as if to an invisible interlocutor - “Who would I be without anger, resentment, pain and the desire for revenge?”, “How would my life change then?”
What does it mean to come to terms with yourself?
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- Met. Anthony of Sourozh said that if a person is not at peace with himself, it is difficult for him to be at peace with others and with God. And you need to reconcile in three directions: with yourself, with people, with God. But not everyone understands: how does it come to terms with oneself?
— Reconciliation with oneself is a very important part of our asceticism.
Reconciliation with oneself is reconciliation with one’s conscience, which convicts us.
And this ultimately means reconciliation with God.
There is the word “sophronia” - consonance or chastity, as we also translate it. It is the opposite of split consciousness - schizophronia. In fact, this is reconciliation with oneself - sophronia. This is when our thoughts and feelings are consistent with how God sees us, how God intended us.
Schizophronia is a split consciousness, which serves to designate the disease – schizophrenia. This is precisely when there are unreconciled aspects in us, not united into a harmonious, chaste common side, which do not give us peace, tearing our soul apart.
Therefore, in fact, these words - reconciliation with oneself - have a very deep ascetic basis associated with chastity, with consent, with a calm conscience.
Of course, coming to terms with yourself is a life-long process, but you need to move.
And sometimes these words are perceived with the opposite, anti-ascetic meaning: as the fact that you need to accept yourself as I am. It’s like “this is how I was born, this is how God designed me, even if he is responsible for everything.” This is precisely the point of view that completely distorts the point of being in agreement with oneself.
Very often such a substitution occurs when a person is asked to “tolerantly” accept his sinful self, his fallen self, his old self, his imperfect self and strengthen himself in the thought that if God created you this way, then He is responsible for it, and you have no responsibility for it you don't carry it. This is, of course, wrong.
Often, in another context, the same phrase “about agreeing with oneself” is perceived as a call to be oneself.
For example, Peer Gynt wanted to be himself, and then they explained to him that in fact he did not want to be himself, but wanted to be satisfied with himself. And these are very different things.
Coordinating yourself with God’s plan for yourself means very seriously, intelligently, intently and constantly working with your soul, heart, checking with the Gospel, relying on the help of your confessor, loved ones whom you trust, who wish you not worldly good, but good in God, who They see both the best and the weakest in you. And in the opposite sense, it is, on the contrary, a rejection of all spiritual work.
— When we ask for forgiveness in confession, confessing our sins, will they then be mentioned at the Last Judgment so that everyone knows about them? Or will what is confessed and of which we sincerely repented be crossed out and no longer remembered in eternity?
“The Lord told us: “He who believes in Me will not be ashamed.” That is, a person who believes in the Lord will not be put to shame. The Lord will not mock this faith. And Elder Paisius the Svyatogorets said: The good God tolerates us with love and does not expose anyone to shame, although he knows, as a knower of the heart, our sinful state. This means we just have to believe that it will be what is best for us.
How to learn to forgive?
We can only get rid of the oppression of resentment if we become masters of our destiny. Only then do we begin to understand that our “offenders” are ordinary people to whom nothing human is alien, which means they tend to be mistaken and make mistakes. Our love will help you understand and forgive this. The ability to forgive is a “secret” weapon that is always with us. It is through forgiveness that you can lift a heavy burden from your shoulders. Offenders most often do not even suspect how the offended suffer, what thoughts they torment themselves with. Therefore, you need to learn to forgive, at least for selfish reasons.
What is resentment
Resentment is unjustified expectations. You expected one thing from a person, but he acted completely differently. Perhaps you didn’t know him well enough to expect something different from him. Each person is unique, and we cannot predict how anyone around us will act in a given situation. There is no need to speculate for others and expect something from them. We can decide what to do and take responsibility for the decisions made only for ourselves.
Watch a video about the causes of grievances and how to stop being offended and start reacting differently:
Source of resentment
Before you learn to forgive and let go of negativity, you need to understand where the resentment comes from. In fact, the problem has two sides. On one side is the offender, who was pushed to an impartial act by some considerations, perhaps not even fully understandable to him. On the other side is the offended person, who for some reason could not let the words spoken to him fall on deaf ears - he has his own reasons that force him to perceive the offense so acutely and worry about trifles.
The first step to forgiving an offense should always be an attempt to understand its true reasons, to understand why someone wanted to offend you and why you were offended by it. After you analyze the situation, you may be able to let go of negative feelings without effort, and you will not even have to resort to the psychological techniques that we will give below.
So, let’s first figure out what can motivate the offender’s actions.
- Envy. A person who envies you, wittingly or not, can try to bring you down to earth, proving to himself that you are no better than him, and to you that you are not as good as you think. Understand that the offender is doing much worse than you, since he is so jealous of you, so is it worth being offended by him? Isn't it better to feel sorry for him? And if you are noble enough to offer help to the envious person, it is possible that you will hear kind words addressed to you from him.
- Revenge. Remember, did you accidentally offend someone who offended you? Perhaps he's just taking revenge. In this case, tell yourself “we’re even” and let go of the offense. It’s even better if afterward you have a heart-to-heart talk with the avenger and restore the damaged relationship.
- Misunderstanding. Most often, this becomes the reason why close people are offended. They wish well, and when, due to a misunderstanding, it seems to them that you are not living in a way that is good for you, they try to set you on the right path, without even realizing that they are causing you mental pain with their comments and reproaches. You just need to understand their motives to stop holding a grudge against them.
- Stupidity. A person could simply blurt out something, not thinking that you would take these words painfully. Do not be angry. Remember the folk wisdom that they don’t take offense at fools, and forget about what happened, as if nothing happened.
It is worth mentioning separately about such an offense as betrayal. By cheating, a person offends you, although he has no such goal. This, one might say, is a side effect of betrayal. Against her, you will stop feeling resentful. However, to forgive and “forgive sins” does not mean accepting and leaving everything as it is. First forgive, and then make a decision. If you decide the fate of your relationship with the traitor soberly, without being intoxicated by the thirst for revenge, the chances of making the right decision will increase many times over.
Now let's look at the reasons that make us offended.
- Understanding that the offender is right. If so, then admit it. And you must admit, you shouldn’t be offended that someone opened your eyes. Perhaps you will even be grateful to him for this later. After all, treatment is not always painless, the main thing is the result.
- Fear that they may think badly of you, that your authority in the eyes of other people will fall. But let's not think of those around us as a herd of sheep: most of them are able to understand what motives motivate your offender and form an adequate opinion about both you and him. They will think badly not about you, but about your offender. And if you can rise above the insults, your authority will even increase.
- Misunderstanding. Perhaps no one wanted to offend or hurt you. You just misinterpreted his words or actions. Try to analyze the situation. Maybe there’s nothing to be offended about here?
If the analysis of the causes of the offense did not help to let it go, then you will have to resort to one or more psychological techniques of forgiveness.
Is it necessary to forget grievances?
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The situation has already passed, but the experience of this very resentment remains with you for a long time, sometimes even for life.
Emotions have their own cycle, they first increase, then reach a peak, discharge occurs and the emotions go away. But there are feelings that have no end point.
The situation is aggravated by the fact that you are offended by another person, but you yourself suffer. This leads to a depressed state of mind, depression, depression. It often becomes the cause of various psychosomatic diseases.
Resentment can destroy even the strongest relationships. It does not allow you to look at yourself and other people objectively. You dwell on the past, and this prevents you from living here and now.
Since resentment causes only problems, the answer to the question of whether it should be forgotten seems obvious. But there is a big catch in it - it is impossible to forget the insult. To forget it means to psychologically displace it, to put it in a distant drawer. But everything that is put away can be retrieved at any time.
This happens when a wife, during a quarrel with her husband, takes out all her insults that he inflicted on her a year or ten years ago and presents them to him. This, of course, makes him feel guilty, but gives her the opportunity to win the argument.
Therefore, forgetting a grudge is an unproductive strategy. From a psychological point of view, the offense must not be forgotten, but worked through. This is the only way she will disappear from your life. But before doing this, it is important to understand what kind of offense you have.
Emotions and grievances
Our reaction to grievances can be very different - just like ourselves. Someone gathers himself into a fist, and, gritting his teeth, continues to move forward, no matter what. Someone tries to pretend that they don’t care (some succeed more, some less). Well, some people are hurt by insults to such an extent that they freeze in place for a long time, trying to pick up all the pieces of their broken heart.
Emotions caused by offense, especially if we were offended unfairly and without any reason, can become so deeply ingrained in our psyche that it becomes very, very difficult to get them out of there. The reason for this effect is quite simple: our brain is initially “wired” in such a way that the longevity and vividness of the memories it creates regarding a particular situation directly depends on the emotional arousal caused by this situation.
What is emotional arousal? First of all, it is our brain's tendency to remember better those things that had a greater emotional impact on us.
Unfortunately, our brain does not distinguish between pleasant and unpleasant events; it only cares about the strength of the emotions associated with them. That's why he'll remember the best and worst days of your life—including bullying and traumatic events—with equal readiness. Yes, this feature of our psyche cannot be called particularly pleasant, but it allows us to understand why emotions associated with negative events in our lives (as well as their effects, including anxiety, depression, fear, insomnia, feelings of loneliness, and so on) can stay with us much longer than the reasons that caused them.
When we experience negative emotions (such as in the examples above), it is very important that we are fully prepared to take them to their logical conclusion - especially for our own mental health. Yes, this will require time, effort and work on ourselves, including our own emotions, but believe me, the result is worth it
How to forgive an insult? About humility
– How do you understand when to humble yourself and remain silent, and when...
“That’s why you need to humble yourself.” Only a humble person distinguishes between good and evil. As the Lord blesses, so he will behave. For others, it may be useful to shed seven skins. Recently, one general (he was already approaching 80) told me: “When I was 14 years old, I began to behave completely disgracefully. Moreover, our family was not an easy one, the famous shipbuilder Academician Alexei Nikolaevich Krylov visited, he and my dad spoke French, and I understood French. When topics were forbidden for me, they switched to German. And then one day, in response to some of my next rudeness, daddy took me and spanked me thoroughly. This was not a violation of my dignity. I just had a transitional age, a hormonal explosion. And the father extinguished this explosion with a powerful opposite action. I am grateful to my dad." His father spanked him without malice. But I do not at all encourage everyone to spank their children, because for this you need to be the kind of dads and moms who can do this with humility, internally maintaining the presence of mind. A humble person does not lose spiritual peace under any circumstances. Should I tear it off? Well, then, we’ll stick it out for the good of the cause, only with love.
– Is it possible to go to Communion if you can’t overcome the pain?
– There are sins that cannot be overcome in one go and, of course, in such a situation God’s special help is necessary. Therefore, you need to take communion, you need to pray, repent, fight your sin. And understand that either you will conquer your sin within yourself, straining all your strength, or sin will defeat you without any effort.
- What do you mean, will defeat you?
- This means that you will lose this person, you will not be able to communicate with him at all. Since you have sin in your soul, you will act sinfully, there will be vindictiveness, rancor, and resentment. You will accumulate grievances, look for and see where they are not, and interpret everything in a bad sense. This will lead to spiritual degradation. But you need to receive communion only on the condition that you pray from your heart and repent from your heart. You may be overwhelmed by this sin, but you fight against it. There are sins that cannot be overcome quickly; you need to fight them constantly, just make sure you don’t relax, don’t get tired and don’t lose hope that with God’s help you will overcome them. Then, of course, it is simply necessary to receive communion.
The Lord sends us such trials so that we learn to fight sins. We have forgotten about some ancient sins, we don’t even think about them, but we are sinners anyway, so the Lord sends us the current visible sin so that we feel it and overcome it. But since a person is a holistic being, if he overcomes this sin, then he also overcomes others. Man is a sinner, but the Lord is merciful. You ask for forgiveness for one sin - the Lord can forgive you others. But you shouldn’t treat the sacrament like some kind of medicine: take a pill and your headache goes away. By the way, if the headache has stopped hurting at the moment, this does not mean that the illness has passed. And here we are talking about healing completely, so that this moral pain does not return.
- About forgiveness
- Forgiveness on the Internet - “virtual forgiveness”?
What if a person doesn’t want your forgiveness?
It is important to understand that there is always some kind of psychological game behind the phrase “I have never asked anyone for forgiveness.” Why does a person not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not a person very close to you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not to punish him, but to protect himself. What about your loved ones? We can fight for our loved one by knocking on his heart again and again. And - to reach out. Or... retreat, realizing that this is no longer close.
You don’t have to say this out loud, you have to say it to yourself. A person has done this once or several times and does not consider that he did wrong. So he can do it again, and I have to be ready for it. I don’t hold it against him or be angry, but I just know that this could happen again. Just like I don’t hold a grudge against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.
The Importance of Forgiveness
3. Get your strength back
Completely starting life from scratch is not so easy, but starting to write a new, personal story is much easier. Remember that you were not born a victim, which means you can fix it
It is worth paying attention to the fact that forgiveness is not an isolated incident, but a long process that requires work. In addition, you should understand one simple truth - no one has the right to burden you with grievances and negative emotions.
When painful feelings return, remind yourself that you are choosing to forgive the person. You give him forgiveness because it is your decision, it is in your hands, you are in control of the situation and it is you who choose love, kindness and light.
The desire to change the situation must come from within. It appears then, and only then, when we understand that love, happy relationships and a vibrant life are our personal right from birth.
4. Learn a lesson
There is a valuable lesson to be learned from every experience we have. Sometimes these experiences can be painful, however, as we all know, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Even if we consider what happened to be a complete injustice, it strengthens us both physically and mentally, allowing us to find new ways out of various situations.
In addition, such incidents reveal the true nature of both those around us and ourselves. In a stressful situation, a person begins to behave completely differently, and by understanding the reason and essence of one’s own behavior, one can learn to control it.
Deep and guaranteed elaboration of grievances
I sincerely hope that the technique I have proposed will help you forgive the offense that you have held within yourself for so painfully long. In order to do this guaranteed, and also in order to change yourself and stop being offended, restructure your personality and become happier, you can contact a specialist.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. In addition to the fact that I can help you forgive your biggest offense that brought you to this article, I will also help you understand specifically your reasons why you have learned and become accustomed to feeling offended. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to figure out how you can learn to react differently, express all those emotions that you are currently holding within yourself, and feel happier and more confident. I will help you forgive once and for all and breathe deeply, letting go of the heavy burden of the past.
Sign up for a consultation via Skype
You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram @litvinova_lara or the form on the website. You can find out about the cost of services and the scheme of work here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.
The power of forgiveness - and why forgiveness, although difficult, is necessary
It is quite possible that consciously forgiving our offenders, and the emotions associated with it, may be the most powerful antidote to the pain caused by resentment.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened to you and moving on. This does not mean that you approve of your abuser's actions, or that you think there is nothing wrong with them.
First of all, forgiveness is a conscious decision not to follow our desire to punish someone (or even ourselves) for an offense.
Yes, forgiveness is a conscious decision. Yes, it is yours and only your choice. And yes, you can forgive yourself. But there is one problem... most often all this remains just words. We can make noble decisions as much as we like to forgive our offenders or ourselves, either wholesale or retail, but if these decisions remain only words, there will be, frankly speaking, little sense from them. Most of the time, we are not very good at translating our words into actions.
Why is that? For many reasons. Because of our emotions. Because we are always trying to put everything into pieces. After all, we are not responsible for other people’s actions, are we?
It’s true, but we are responsible for our own. And not only for actions, but also for emotions and thoughts.
So even if you are not at all to blame for finding yourself in an unpleasant situation, remember that you will still have to deal with its consequences and weaken the effect it will have on your life.
It's up to you to decide whether you can ultimately forgive your offenders.
And, most importantly, only you can decide whether you deserve happiness and inner peace.
“How can I forgive them?”
According to Dr. Robert Enright, a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness, to help ourselves forgive both ourselves and others, we can use the following several-step process:
You cannot profane God’s commandment of forgiveness
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- Let's say a person had an argument with another and, having looked at everything again, the person does not find his guilt or wrong. But Forgiveness Resurrection comes, and the question arises: in this case, should you ask the one with whom you had a dispute, maybe a conflict, but where you do not feel your guilt in the most sincere way - forgiveness? After all, if you ask, he will decide that he was right, and you will admit your guilt. Again, it turns out that with your forgiveness you are misleading the person. And the situation itself is distorted: after all, there is the truth of the situation, you cannot sacrifice it.
- In this case, if you nevertheless decide to ask for forgiveness, you need to explain why exactly.
For example, you can say: “Forgive me for my irritation, vehemence, and harshness in our argument (if there was such a thing), but I do not consider my actions to be wrong.
That is, you can ask for forgiveness not for erroneous views or actions, but perhaps for an unwise decision to argue about this with someone who cannot accommodate it, or for a not very tactful form of argument.
— It happens: a person and I haven’t seen each other for a year or more, haven’t communicated. On Forgiven, he calls and says: “Please forgive me.” I ask him: “For what?” "Never. It’s just the way it’s supposed to be.” This is also a strange moment, because it turns out that I took part in a “ritual”.
- If I haven’t seen a person for a whole year, and he, for example, was looking for a meeting with me, I can also ask for forgiveness for the fact that we haven’t seen each other. The man wanted and sought this meeting, but I never found time for him. Here your conscience will tell you.
But if we are dealing with a person who is an unbeliever or has little faith, we must strive not to support formal, meaningless actions if he initiates them on his part. You cannot profane the deepest divine commandments. Depending on the situation, you can somehow turn the conversation into an informal direction: ask for forgiveness yourself - if you suddenly offended us in some way, after all, we ourselves do not see and remember everything. Try to make the person understand that, at least for you, this is a very informal moment, on the contrary, it is very important and here’s why.
How to remain calm in response to criticism?
A person sometimes receives teachings from another person with indignation. And what can we say about the offensive words that he hears from others? Remaining calm in response to criticism can often be very difficult. Of course, it is good to remain cool and unperturbed in any situation. But how to curb your emotions when necessary? There are several tips to help you do this:
• Don't respond to the offender right away. In anger, you can say a lot of things that you will later regret.
• Deceive the offender in his expectations. Konstantin Kushner, a Russian historian and educator, said: “If you are offended, the enemy has succeeded.” Know that your opponent’s main goal is to get under your skin. So why should he give this pleasure? Smile and forgive him.
• During an argument, ask the offender: “What can I do to improve the situation?” Is he confused and can't answer? This means he has personal reasons to talk badly about you. Such criticism cannot be fair.
• The genius Erian Schultz said: “To be offended by bad words addressed to you is to agree with them.” This simple phrase explains everything. Do you really consider yourself to be what your enemies are trying to make you out to be? Of course not. But there is no point in proving them otherwise. It’s better to step aside and ignore their words.
• Do you want to know how to learn to forgive insults? Make excuses for your opponents. Try to step into their shoes and understand why they do it. Everything is simpler than it seems at first glance. One was created by nature to be so angry, the second was offended today, and in the heat of the moment he shouted at you, the third is having an unlucky day today, everything is falling out of his hands, and he decided to “send everything to hell”, quarreling with everyone, including you . Justified? Has it become easier? All that remained in my soul was pity for these poor people.
• Live in the moment. You need to forgive the offense in time, let go of the past and continue to move on your path. Focusing on quarrels with others will not lead to good.
Should I forgive an insult? Negative aspects of accumulating grievances
Let's take the model as an example. The man was offended. He feels a strong feeling of annoyance filling him. What to do? A simple psychological experiment will help him. It is necessary to mentally fill in the following fields:
- The magnitude of the offense according to personal criteria.
- The place of the offender in the system of subjective values.
- Readiness to forgive.
It is clear that the value of the last column consists of the answers to the first two. People, unless they lie to themselves, clearly understand how capable their nature is of forgiveness.
Modern research unanimously asserts that grief destroys a person’s life from the inside.
Let us describe the consequences of unresolved external contradictions that have flowed into the inner world of a person:
- The risk of cancer increases. Oncology occurs in “gaps” of immunity and health, hitting sick and unprotected places. And resentment is a spy of oncology and serious diseases in principle.
- Difficulty interacting with other people. Resentment poisons communication with the outside world. A person full of grief always complains about fate.
- Resentment feeds the need for revenge, which leads to mistakes that ultimately ruin a person’s life. Only in Hollywood action films are people happy and joyful when they destroy half the city and kill the main villain, but the reality is harsher and sadder: the one who takes revenge suffers unbearably, and relief never comes.
Positive aspects of forgiveness:
- A life not burdened by illness.
- Pleasant communication with others. Anyone who does not remember insults and is not upset is a pleasant interlocutor and radiates positivity.
- A person gets rid of the dark glasses of discontent, and life becomes amazing and full of meaning.
- People who do not remember grievances more easily achieve their work and personal goals, because nothing pulls them back.
After reviewing the advantages of forgiveness and the disadvantages of accumulating grievances, the question no longer arises of whether to forgive the offense, for the answer suggests itself. However, there may be complex situations where the choice is not so simple.
How to forgive an insult? Can you imagine the Savior being offended?
– Father Alexander, what is resentment? Only internal pain or retention of evil, memory of evil?
– I won’t answer these questions first, but I’ll ask you myself: can you imagine an offended Savior, or an offended Mother of God?.. Of course not! Resentment is evidence of spiritual weakness. In one place in the Gospel it is said that the Jews wanted to lay hands on Christ (that is, to grab Him), but He walked among them, through an aggressive, bloodthirsty crowd... It is not written in the Gospel how He did this, perhaps He looked at them so angrily , as they say, he flashed lightning with his eyes that they got scared and parted. This is how I imagine it.
– Is there a contradiction? His eyes sparkled - and suddenly humble?
- Of course not. The Word of God says: “Be angry and do not sin.” The Lord cannot sin - He is the only Sinless One. We are the ones of little faith and pride; if we get angry, it is with irritation and even malice. That’s why we get offended because we think that they are angry with us too. A proud person is already internally ready to be offended, because pride is a distortion of human nature. It deprives us of dignity and those grace-filled powers that the Lord generously bestows on everyone. A proud person himself refuses them. It is impossible to offend a humble person.
– And yet, what is resentment?
– Firstly, this is, of course, acute pain. It really hurts when you are offended. Due to our inability to repel physical, verbal and spiritual aggression, we constantly miss the blow. If any of us are forced to play chess with a grandmaster, then it is clear that we will lose. And not only because we don’t know how to play, but also because the grandmaster plays very well. So, the evil one (as Satan is called) plays perfectly. He knows how to walk in order to hook a person at the most painful points. The offended person may think about the offender: “Well, how could he? How did he know it would hurt me? Why did you do that?” And the man, maybe, didn’t even know anything, the evil one just directed him. That's who knows how to hurt us. The Apostle Paul says: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places.” The evil one moves us, and we obey him, even if unconsciously, out of our pride.
A proud person does not know how to distinguish between good and evil, but a humble person does. For example, out of my pride I can say something that hurts a person very painfully. Not because I want to hurt him, but because the evil one puts such words into my proud soul at a time when the one with whom I communicate is most defenseless. And I really hit a very painful point for him. But still, this pain is because a person does not know how to humble himself. A humble person will say to himself firmly and calmly: “I received this for my sins. Lord have mercy!" And the proud one will begin to be indignant: “Well, how is this possible?! How can you treat me like this?”
When the Savior was brought to the high priests, and the servant hit Him on the cheek, with what dignity He answered him. Was He offended or upset? No, He showed truly royal majesty and absolute self-control. Well, again, can one imagine that Christ was offended by Pilate or the high priests?.. It’s funny. Although He was tormented, mocked, slandered... He could not be offended at all, he could not.
- But He is God and man, father.
- So, the Lord calls us to perfection: “Learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart.” He says: “If you want no offense to touch you, if you want to be above any offense, then be meek and humble in heart, like Me.”
– What if the offense is not deserved?
- Was He deservedly offended?
- But this is dishonest, if there is some kind of untruth, slander, then you just seethe because you don’t agree with it.
“It seems to me that it could be even more painful if they tell you the truth: “Ah-ah, that’s what you are like!” “But I’m really like that... Those bastards!”
- We hit the mark!
- We hit the nail on the head. And they said it in front of everyone! No, to quietly, to say something delicately, to pat him on the head or sweeten things up. Right in front of everyone!.. It will hurt even more. “Blessed are you when they revile you and persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you unjustly because of Me.” It is good when people are unfairly slandered. When it is undeserved, we are blessed, and when it is deserved, we must repent and ask for forgiveness.
What if you offended a loved one, a weak one?
Photo from the site belverede.blogspot.ru
- If you have offended someone close and dear to you, then it is many times harder to forgive. It is easier to forgive when they offend you personally. When it’s different, we often come to the defense of the weak, the child or the parents.
- Yes, here we are ready to lay down our souls for our friends. And the prophets denounced people not for themselves, but for God, for truth and justice. Throw stones at a prophet, throw dirt at him, he is a prophet. Unfortunately, they were stoned quite often. But the prophet stands up for the offended, for the insulted. He denounces the decline of morals, he denounces the falling away from God.
By standing up for others, we are being fair. It is only important that we really understand the limits, that we act not biasedly: “they offended me” and no matter for what or what, but understand that this aggressive person is really wrong.
Yes, we cannot forgive the offender for what he did to our child or our parents. The saints could do this. Let us remember Elizaveta Feodorovna, the great martyr, who asked to have mercy on her husband’s murderer and to cancel the death sentence. In this case, she really wanted the person to come to realization and repentance, so that God’s power would be over him.
Therefore, in such matters, we can turn to the saints who were able to forgive, to the holy Grand Duchess Elizabeth for prayerful help, so that we, too, can place concern for the human soul of the offender above any earthly offense.
Set yourself up for forgiveness
To do this, you need to sit down, close your eyes and relax. Try to create a state of resentment. Imagine that you are removing a thorn from your soul. Then imagine the light filling you. You should physically feel that the resentment is leaving your soul. At the same time, some people experience a feeling of heat or chills, while others get goosebumps on their body. This process is quite painful, but the game is worth the candle. As a result of spiritual cleansing, a feeling of relief and joy comes. Hurry to part with grievances and remove their burden from your soul. Then there will be more room for positive emotions in your life.
As a child, Olga's older brother pushed her off a bridge into a river so she could learn to swim. A muscle contraction that occurred in the body during a moment of severe fright triggered asthma. Only after the girl forgave her brother for the unconscious offense, letting go of the situation, did she finally get rid of the disease.
Photos used in this material belong to shutterstock.com
Forgive without judging
Can everything be forgiven? Most people believe that there are things that cannot be forgiven: murder, violence. However, in this case, you should remember the commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged. We are always subjective. No one knows exactly where the line of justice is. We are inside the situation and cannot find the strength to rise above it. Especially at a time of offense. When we argue whether we can forgive or not, we are already violating a wise commandment. In such cases, you can remind yourself of the saying of St. John of Kronstadt: “Love the sinner and hate the sin,” - sometimes it is paraphrased as follows: “Hate the sin, but not the sinner.”
Working through a grudge, or how to write a letter of anger correctly
There are a lot of ways to get rid of resentment, let’s look at one of them.
To get rid of resentment, you should try the “Writing” technique. This technique will help to throw out existing emotions that arise during memories - and replace them with neutral, or even positive ones.
Write a letter to the offender. Initially, let this letter contain a statement of the situation that you wrote down earlier, remembering it.
And then - express all your anger, disappointment, pain in a letter. Write down all the words that were not said that you want to say.
After writing, do not re-read it, tear the letter and throw it away, or burn it. In any case, make sure that you no longer have the opportunity to return to what you wrote.
After performing this technique, it immediately becomes easier. The person who wrote the letter ends this story in his own way - the way he would like. He splashes out his anger on the offender - and the offense ceases to have the power and weight that it had before.
But it also happens that a letter does not bring the relief that the writer expected. Then it’s worth trying other techniques for working with resentment, which will be written about later.
For now, that's all. Take care of yourself from insults; they should not clog your psyche, taking up the place where joy and tranquility could settle.
Resentment towards mom
Or, for example, your mother beat you as a child. Belt for disobedience. Badly? Yes, there is nothing good about this. But. Until you forgive her:
