One of the wisest sayings says: “Silence is golden!” And in fact, sometimes there is nothing better than silence. A carelessly thrown phrase can destroy a person’s life or relationships with loved ones. But how often do each of us hold back?
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In some situations, it is actually difficult to remain silent. But under the influence of emotions, a person can say something that he will regret in the future. In addition, an attempt to prove your point of view to your interlocutor is sometimes doomed to failure. Not everyone is ready to listen to other people's words, so why waste time?
Quiet is not the main thing
The problem with soft-spoken people is usually not that they speak quietly, but that they are not heard. Or rather, they don’t listen. Otherwise, this wouldn't be a problem. In fact, imagine a person begins to speak quietly and, lo and behold, everyone around them stops their conversations and listens to him attentively. But, if this does not happen, then your word is not so important that those around you will be distracted from their affairs and turn their attention to the speaker.
This is fine. People react to a loud voice. If a person speaks loudly, it is perceived as an important message (usually). Very often, loudness and confidence are synonymous. Therefore, if a person speaks quietly, then, very often, it looks like uncertainty. I must say, in most cases, this is true.
Why did my husband and I stop talking?
For whom is excessive nervousness dangerous?
Young people are most susceptible to nervousness, because their psyche does not yet know how to cope with everyday stress.
But even at a young age, there are people who cope with problematic situations more easily and easily, and there are those whose nervous system is overly vulnerable. It is this category of people who most often experience problems in relationships with other people, communication, and self-realization. Communication is a fundamental process in the formation of personality, a necessary condition for any development. That is why excessive nervousness and embarrassment in communicating with others is a serious problem, due to which misunderstandings arise, the inability to concentrate on the subject of discussion, lack of satisfaction from the conversation and, as a result, a narrowing of the circle of communication.
At an early age, this situation is considered as natural, but over time, if the problem remains, the difficulties worsen and the person cannot harmoniously integrate into society, realize himself, and develop. That is why it is important to take care of reducing nervousness, even getting rid of it completely.
Where did this come from?
So why do some people speak quietly, where does this come from in their lives?
In fact, there may be several factors here and they are related to childhood and, therefore, upbringing.
Speech is the way we present ourselves to other people. Perhaps in most cases a parallel can be drawn between speech and the significance of the place we are claiming right now. Volume is one of these characteristics, but not the only one. There is also timbre, notes of the voice, which can be no less important. We impose ourselves with loudness, of course, up to a certain limit. Much depends on the situation. If we are having a calm conversation, then the volume will be “normal”; if there is a “loud” conflict, then the volume will probably increase. If, under conditions where the same volume is expected, a person’s volume is reduced, then it makes sense to wonder why this is happening.
When do we learn to regulate our volume? Quite obviously, this happens in childhood. One of the main regulators is the position of parents and other relatives in the family.
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If a child loudly declares himself (screams, loudly rejoices, loudly gets angry), then he can be told that this is bad, that with his “loud” behavior he is preventing adults (important) people from talking and he should leave and think about his behavior. In general, if a child is punished for his “loud” behavior, then he will develop the habit of speaking quietly. And, secondly, he will be afraid to do this near people. It is possible that all people in general. They will seem dangerous to him, but he is not very significant, no one is interested in his opinion.
The situation may be a little different. For example, parents (or only one parent, if he is raising a child) were constantly tired, or sick, lay a lot, then the child, of course, learned that in order not to disturb an important person, one must behave quietly and be silent, or speak so as not to interfere. And, in general, guess his desires.
In general, there are options.
An additional factor may be the lack of social contacts with peers, among whom it would be possible to learn appropriate communication styles and acquire useful skills. Obviously, this will not happen if peers for some reason “bully” the child; then the problem will only get worse.
We should not exclude genetic predisposition, that is, the child’s temperament. It can greatly contribute to the formation of such behavior.
Very often, parents are happy that the child is very quiet and obeys, even if he is embarrassed to ask for something. They call such children “golden”. Unfortunately, the gold that goes to the child himself is rather leprechaun-like.
As a result, there is a high probability that a person will develop who is not very confident in himself, who believes that he should first of all think about other people, that he himself is not very important, and who is afraid to “present” himself to society. And, of course, his voice will be quiet, unnoticeable and lost.
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Why do we become nervous when communicating?
Don't worry and tune in to the conversation
The reasons for this condition may be different. Nervousness appears when we are just making acquaintances and do not know the person with whom we are going to communicate. A natural situation of fear of being rejected or misunderstood arises.
This moment of nervous excitement only lasts for a while until we get used to the stranger and identify common interests. If for some people this slightest stress can pass completely without a trace, then people with a more vulnerable psyche continue to perceive a person with some caution and this becomes an obstacle in conversation.
The next reason for nervousness may be the status of the person with whom you must communicate. If we have to talk with a boss, a strict father, a man or woman for whom we do not like. Each of them evokes certain emotions in you - irritants that can lead to tension, fear or embarrassment.
What to do about it?
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Obviously, the problem with a quiet voice is not in the vocal cords. In what direction should we work to improve the situation?
Most likely, this will require comprehensive work with a psychologist, and possibly additional training. Below are a few areas to work on. These are not techniques, these are things that will allow you to direct your thoughts in the direction of changing the situation.
Recognize mistakes in parenting
Most likely, such a person develops the idea that speaking quietly is generally correct and corresponds to the wishes of the parents. If he speaks loudly, then this is not very correct. So, you need to realize that this is not something from which you should make a fetish. And this is not necessarily a virtue. Quite the opposite. This is simply the desire of the parents and the prevailing circumstances. This means that a person has the right to refuse this “virtue”, which is not a virtue at all and not his at all, but assigned to him as a badge of distinction. But not the difference he would like.
Asking yourself the question “Who said it should be this way?” you can most likely find the source. Parents do what they can and what they want. Children have the right to take it or not take it into their lives and refuse at any time.
If you don't remember the situations that lead to this behavior, then the result is the same - you can still abandon the "legacy".
Specific situations
Try to remember situations that could lead to similar results. This will help you set goals for your work. Some psychologists advise experiencing them on your own, but this is not always good - you can get “stuck” in a situation and, as a result, gain nothing, but only immerse yourself in difficult experiences.
You are important
You must understand that you are no less important than any other person in this world and there is no reason to doubt this. This should manifest itself at the level of feelings and sensations. You almost certainly understand this intellectually, but this is not enough.
How to cope with anxiety in life?
Work with fears
When a person speaks quietly, it is very often associated with the feeling that other people are dangerous, that speaking loudly is dangerous, that attracting attention to oneself is dangerous. These fears are obviously associated with situations from childhood when our “loudness” irritated our parents. It is entirely possible to either remove these fears altogether or bring them to an acceptable level. See if you have a significant fear of death. Very often many fears are layered on top of it. If you “pull” it out, then other fears may begin to fall apart like a house of cards.
Analyze your feelings
If it seems to you that you have few feelings or none, this means that they are repressed, again due to the costs of upbringing. Feelings are the key to our real desires and needs. First, learn to talk about them with your loved ones. Through awareness of your needs, try to present yourself. That is, if you, for example, are irritated, then behind this there may be a need for rest, which you can tell your loved ones about and agree not to be disturbed.
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Get rid of illusions
You almost certainly have a lot of ideas about what people think, what they think about you. All this, as a rule, is not true. To get the true picture, you will have to ask, communicate, and only then will you be able to put the picture together.
Get rid of illusions about yourself. You may not seem like a very attractive character to yourself. But, this is just an assessment. Your mark. There is an assessment of your parents. There is an assessment of other people. If your parents rated you poorly, how can you be sure that they knew you well? Perhaps it would be more accurate to assume that they wanted to see you the way they wanted?
If you don’t rate yourself too well, then ask yourself why you need this? How can a person evaluate himself poorly? Who benefits from this? You are what you think you are. If you think that you are bad, then perhaps in this way you receive some important preferences for yourself, for example, you can afford not to do something. Or, elevate suffering to greatness of spirit. And this is quite difficult to live with.
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Andrey Petrakov
This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
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Work on yourself
We repel nervous attacks
Always be prepared to communicate. To find interesting interlocutors and enjoy communication, you yourself must have sufficient interests and comprehensive development. By reducing the number of topics you don't understand, you can easily find the subject of discussion and talk with people of different ages. This way, there will be no room for nervousness and you can share your knowledge calmly.
Avoid empty talk, chatter and gossip. Try to share knowledge, experience, ideas. If you like the person and your sympathy is mutual, worries and embarrassment during communication will disappear. Take this into account!
Why do you need the ability to carry on a conversation?
The ability to conduct a dialogue is a practical skill that is useful in various life situations, for example:
- When passing the exam.
A student who mumbles something incomprehensibly will immediately go to a retake, and the one who talks interestingly gets a chance for the loyalty of the teacher, even if he speaks not on the topic of the ticket.
- To pass an interview
. Even if you have a perfect resume, without the ability to tell an interesting story about yourself, your chances of success are significantly reduced. And if you can advantageously present your advantages, and at the same time the recruiter does not have to constantly ask clarifying questions, you will stand out from the crowd of applicants.
- When organizing your personal life.
If you know how to start a conversation with any stranger, you will easily find a match. Without this skill, people most often exchange smiles, glances and go their separate ways without ever getting to know each other, although interest has arisen. The likelihood of continuing acquaintance in a more informal setting also depends more on the ability to communicate than on appearance.
- To join a new team.
Becoming “one of the people” in a group of people with established relationships is quite difficult. The ability to talk and put yourself at ease will help you do this faster and easier.
- To build a reputation.
If you have competent speech, a good sense of humor and are an interesting conversationalist, you will be welcome in any company. The ability to speak well can help you during elections, both to the local parliament and to the parent committee, and will ensure the loyalty of others in different situations.
How to learn to communicate effectively
Communication is an art in which there are many subtleties and nuances. Some of them, at first glance, are not related to communication, but in practice they help to learn how to communicate correctly.
These are the qualities that directly affect the ability to conduct a conversation.
Observation
If you pay attention to details, you can notice the features of people's appearance and behavior, you can determine their type in order to choose the right tone of communication. Even if you do not have natural powers of observation, this quality can be trained.
Memory
The more information about a person you can remember, the better your communication will be. By mentioning details of a previous conversation in a conversation, you will demonstrate your interest, which will increase the interlocutor’s loyalty to you.
Broad outlook
Forget the phrase “I don’t understand anything about this.” After it, no one will want to continue the passionate story about the latest football match or international news.
Even if you are not an expert on the topic being discussed, show your interest and ask clarifying questions. And to be able to maintain a conversation in any company, be interested in what is happening in the world.
Attentiveness
Pay attention to the emotions of your interlocutor, which he reveals through involuntary movements of his facial expressions and body. By seeing how he reacts to your words, you can regulate the flow of the conversation so as not to offend anyone and maintain interest.
Constant training
American scientists have found that on average a person communicates with 20 people every day - these are friends, colleagues, acquaintances, colleagues. Brain scans of volunteers showed that the wider the social circle, the higher the level of activity of neurons that are responsible for communication functions.
It turns out that the greater the number of people with whom we maintain a dialogue, the easier it is to find a common language with them. To practice, you can communicate with strangers from different social groups, with interests very different from yours. This practice will make you a more flexible interlocutor who can support any conversation.
