This article is part of the One on One project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
Meeting a person who will awaken your feelings is much easier than maintaining a warm relationship for many years. But there are couples who succeed. What helps such people stay together despite everything?
We talked with Elena, who has been married for 26 years. She told us why daily tenderness is a necessary ritual, what you shouldn’t say even during a terrible quarrel, and what to do if you feel tired of your partner.
Elena
She met her future husband at a student disco and has been living with him for a quarter of a century.
Common interests
You and your partner will spend a lot of time together, so it's great if you like similar things. For example, my husband and I met at a disco when we were students, and we still have the desire to go dance and have fun with friends. We also love to walk in the Zhiguli Mountains or periodically go with tents beyond the Volga. We don’t have to persuade each other to do this or that type of leisure or argue about which performance to watch.
When we started renovating the apartment, we discovered that we have similar tastes: we like the same wallpaper, furniture, paintings. This helps to avoid a huge number of conflicts.
But it is impossible to be perfectly similar, so in any case you need to learn to negotiate, discuss and give in. If you feel that some moment is of great importance for a person, but it is not so important to you, you can agree, and not resist to the very end out of principle.
First quarrels and misunderstandings
The family is created as a place where there will be warmth, understanding and love, but when the romance goes away, everyday life and the force of habit begin, the personality traits and family stories of each begin to come to light, the grinding begins.
The first quarrels in the family usually happen on everyday topics, but they look quite violent, because everyone tries to tolerate negative manifestations and remains silent, accumulating not only resentment, but also destructive anger. The reasons for such dissatisfaction lie in the different ideas of partners about the structure of family life. Here we are not necessarily talking about pulling the blanket and unwillingness to do something, putting everything on the other; there are couples fighting over who will earn money. This defies planning and logic, but leads to critical emotional upheavals, causes very strong shifts in the horizon of relationships, because when meeting a person you can discuss your goals, but few people discuss the way of the family, because it seems that everyone lives this way.
In the open world, a person can resist the attacks of others, limit any comments and understand that they are devoid of any subtext, but relaxing in the family circle, such objectivity can disappear, and people begin to take offense at even the smallest remarks. This may be from a desire to be absolutely accepted at home and not hear anything negative, or it may be very early complexes that are coming out, which can only be seen by a person who comes as close as possible. We are brilliant psychologists and telepaths in our own lives, and we cannot guess which of our words can critically and painfully hook another. So an innocent comment gives rise to a flash of anger, in response to it a defensive reaction grows, looking like an attack, and as a result we already have a scandal where no one wanted to harm the other, but only the protective mechanisms of the psyche from old wounds were triggered.
Another important point is the appearance of nagging and quarrels - this is any change in the family system, such as the appearance of a child, moving, changing jobs, etc., this also includes all the described chronological crises of relationships. These are the usual stages of adaptation, where everyone’s nervous system and habitual way of life are rebuilt, the person does not understand what behavior will be the best and adapts as best he can. This is a state of reduced resources, so aggression manifests itself faster, and the patience that was towards others is depleted.
Desire to be a family
All families have difficult periods, but both partners must have the desire to overcome difficulties. Some people believe that if they don’t see eye to eye, then they should just look for a couple elsewhere - and that’s how the relationship falls apart. However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.
There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband worked constantly. Interests diverged and problems began. I felt that we were separating from each other: I was cuckooing at home, and he continued to live a full life, build a career, meet different people.
When my husband and I started living together, we had mutual complaints against each other: he believed that I devoted little time to him, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We argued about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this I would have free time so that we could watch some program together or discuss what happened that day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the emotions that were raging inside.
If you are a family, you need to agree on how to maintain the union and move on with your life.
If you've just started dating and feel like your eyes aren't sparkling, maybe you shouldn't try to revive something that's not there. But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, breaking up is the easiest, but not always successful option. We were on the verge of a break: we thought that it would be easier to separate. But now I feel especially satisfied and happy that we overcame everything and were able to save the family.
How to improve relationships: useful advice from a psychologist
To improve the microclimate between a guy and a girl (husband/wife), psychologists recommend listening to simple recommendations. There are 10 working methods:
- A good deed every day . Kindness is important for a harmonious relationship, so doing pleasant little things for each other can radically change the vector of mood between lovers.
- Plan dates . Set a rule for your couple, for example, organize a romantic date in an unusual place once a month. This will help you take a break from routine, everyday life, and work.
- More sex . This is one of the most important components of a relationship, which many couples disown for the sake of laziness and fatigue.
- Introduce humor into communication . There is a statistic in psychology that couples who laugh the most together stay connected the longest. Try to bring a smile to your partner's face more often.
- Don't interrupt. Many people can speak, but only a few can listen to others. Marriages fail because of this. Try to listen to your partner until the end, do not rush to end the conversation. Otherwise, this will lead to a loss of communication in principle.
- Compliments, encouragement . It is important for women to regularly hear compliments from their husband about her appearance and praise for her care. Praise, support, and approval in new endeavors are no less important for men.
- Try something new . Avoid the same places for relaxation, common tasks and activities. All this causes boredom and satiety. New places and experiments give bright emotions.
- No irritation . Leave fatigue, conflicts at work, and difficulties outside the home there. Do not bring a bad mood into your family, otherwise it will lead to chronic irritability, raised voices, and quarrels.
- Always be honest . Any omissions, petty lies, or concealment of the truth can lead to total mistrust. It is important to speak openly about your feelings, doubts, and problems.
- Confess your love regularly. Statistics prove that saying the phrase “I love you” every day has a positive effect on the mood of partners and relationships.
Willingness to discuss intimate life
When we are young and in love, all thoughts are directed towards intimate relationships. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime - the passion is so strong. Over time, this will change, because the daily hustle and bustle takes energy and time. But you shouldn’t distance yourself from intimacy because you’re busy at work or caring for children.
In many families, there is dissonance: one partner needs more sex than the other. It was the same with us: my husband wanted intimacy more often. At first, this caused mutual reproaches: in this case, the man thinks that his wife does not want intimacy, and the woman feels that he is encroaching on her personal space and does not allow her to simply be with herself.
We managed to reach an agreement. When the husband has a desire, he speaks about it directly. If I am not ready to share it fully, then we can satisfy the need without special emotions and fireworks. He accepts it and is not offended. If the desire is mutual, then everything happens more emotionally - as much as your strength and imagination allow. As soon as we resolved this issue, the relationship took off.
In Europe, couples discuss when they plan to have sexual intercourse during the week. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because this way you can choose a time when each of the partners feels more free and rested to spend the evening with your loved one.
Couples who don't have sex usually say, "We live like neighbors." This is a sign that partners have lost touch and no longer feel close. If something is bothering you, talk openly. People are different and your needs may not be the same. Intimate life needs to be discussed and agreed on what is acceptable for both of you.
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