Speaking well is simply thinking out loud well. Joseph Ernest Renan
Communication with strangers is always associated with the fear of seeming stupid: saying something wrong, doing something wrong and thereby spoiling your impression of yourself. This anxiety is normal, because you will not have a second chance to make a good impression, which is why it is so important not to look stupid in the conversation with which you open your acquaintance.
The obsessive and unreasonable fear of looking stupid is called social phobia. This is a serious psychological problem that has nothing to do with natural anxiety in stressful situations.
You should understand that anyone can say or do something stupid; you don’t have to be a stupid person to do this. This is not yet a characteristic and, moreover, not a diagnosis. Often people speak out of place, out of place, get confused, or say something they don’t want to say due to confusion, anxiety, and overzealousness. Constant self-control leads to the fact that a person spends all his attention on himself in an attempt not to seem stupid in communication, and because of this he is completely disconnected from the real conversation.
Mini tips for every day
Finally, here are some more useful recommendations for you.
- Follow the regime. Night vigils, work without rest, sleep until lunch - all these factors hinder mental development.
- Spend more time in the fresh air to enrich your cells with oxygen.
- Include red fish, nuts, cocoa, greens, and seaweed in your diet. These products contain substances necessary for normal brain function.
- Play board games - cards, chess, checkers, backgammon.
- Solve crosswords, solve puzzles and logic problems.
- Develop cognitive functions with the help of special simulators. You can find them here: Vikium, Bitreynika, BrainApps.
- Listen to classical music. Scientists have proven that the works of Bach, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and other great composers stimulate brain activity.
- Learn to solve your problems yourself. The habit of shifting responsibility to others dampens the brain.
How not to say or do stupid things?
Essentially, there is nothing wrong with this state. It often happened to us in childhood, when we were just playing around and getting mad. Over time, all memories of any conditions that we had in childhood disappear from our memory. We have matured, but we continue to behave in the same way. Now we are adults and the rules have changed. Now this behavior brings us pain and guilt for our own stupidity.
I don't know what's going on in the body. This is probably the influence of hormones. Not so important. It is important to understand that this is the influence of the condition.
How should we feel about this? We are imperfect by nature. How can we blame ourselves for something if we are still learning about this world? And we get to know this world all our lives. The only thing we really have to blame ourselves for is not wanting to improve and at least learn from our mistakes. This is what is worthy of contempt! As if it were a great sin.
It's stupid to oppress yourself. This will bring us nothing but pain.
Regrets about something do not make a person different. No matter how much we punish ourselves, no matter how much we bang our heads against the wall, we will make the same mistakes over and over again.
Our condition changes over time, and at the same time our memory becomes dull. We remember the event itself, but we do not experience the same feelings.
Only by controlling your condition can you achieve change. You need to be less active if you feel any change in your emotional state. Do not commit any serious actions and try to talk less in an abnormal state until this courage passes. A sober mind is the key to success.
We change in the process of life. Life is like playing the violin, only you learn to play on stage. Everyone sees your mistakes, and even your shame.
But poor memory also has its advantages: people quickly forget everything. If you show your best side, people begin to perceive you in a new way. They will only remember you as an idiot if you don't change. You shouldn’t worry about something stupid you’ve done, it’s better to treat it with irony, but it’s absolutely necessary to make something a rule for yourself. Moreover, it is desirable to see the essence of the problem, to see the problem from the right perspective, otherwise you can pointlessly fight with windmills.
You need to remember and even memorize what you have taken as a rule and associate it with a certain situation. The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you will automatically remember what you need.
To change your life, you need to reverse the current trend, pattern. Break the losing streak. You need to behave differently from how you usually behave. Become a little different, change for the better, and your life will change with you.
Maybe someone likes to be an impulsive and emotional person. Perhaps this behavior does not cause problems for some people, or they simply do not notice them. Many people simply blame other people for all problems without really bothering. In that case, it's your problem. Advice is like water, only needed by those who ask for it.
Tags: self-education, introspection, communication psychology, stupidity, emotions, behavior
Appearance
Pay attention to your appearance.
It largely determines how people perceive you. Look at yourself with a critical eye. Determine whether your hairstyle and makeup suits you, whether it matches your age, general style, and whether it meets fashion trends. Think about how appropriate it is for you to wear makeup and comb your hair for certain occasions. Evaluate your wardrobe. It should contain only those things that suit you and in which you feel confident. There is simply no need for other things. Make sure that the items of clothing in your outfit match each other and are not from collections ten years ago. Otherwise you will look funny and out of date.
GuruTest
There is a big difference between actually being a stupid person and just acting stupid. Being stupid is at least not useful - it is much more difficult for such people to get a job, start a relationship or maintain friendships. But pretending to be stupid is a completely different matter. This behavior has a lot of advantages.
A way to find out what they think about you
People rarely hide their feelings in front of those whom they are accustomed to consider much stupider than themselves, therefore, without demonstrating your mental abilities, you can easily find out how your acquaintances, friends and work colleagues really feel about you. If they consider you not a very smart person, they will definitely try to joke about you somehow or express their hostility directly to your face, hiding offensive words behind clever phrases so as not to lose your favor. This shows that people are using you one way or another and that is the only reason they stay around. And those of your friends who are trying to take care of you and protect you from your own naivety, or at least do not try to make offensive jokes at you at every opportunity, really consider you an important person in their life and have friendly feelings towards you.
Good relationships with men
Absolutely anyone can be passionate in a relationship, but not everyone can be stupid. People who are truly in love, as a rule, are very easy to spot - they act not with their minds, but with their hearts, which means that sometimes they do not behave quite adequately: they try to scare each other, constantly laugh, run, roll on the grass or snow, and so on. People in love most often behave like little children, without thinking about what society will think about them. Even though it's not very smart, this behavior is incredibly romantic and definitely proves that both partners are in love with each other.
In addition, many men adore women who sometimes behave stupidly and naively, because they make them feel like real men: faithful and devoted mentors and guardians, on whose decisions almost everything depends. This allows them to keep themselves in good shape and has a positive effect on their self-esteem. Therefore, do not be afraid to act stupid around your chosen one - this will have a good effect on your relationship. He will feel in charge, and you will feel protected.
A chance to relax
Psychologists recommend that you sometimes forget that you are an adult and responsible person and start doing little stupid things. Frivolous behavior will help you relax and at least temporarily forget about your affairs and problems that need to be solved. You just need to be able to relax so as not to get bogged down in constant stress, and stupid behavior is not the worst way to throw off the burdens of adult life and feel like a child again.
Of course, it's not helpful to act stupid in every situation. If fooling around with friends or a loved one is possible and even necessary in order to relax and enjoy life, then at work, for example, they will not appreciate it if you start throwing crumpled pieces of paper at your colleagues, constantly joke and have loud fun, dress in bright colors and unthinkable dressing up, trying to ruffle someone's hair, or playing computer games at work. It is important to understand in what situations you can really act frivolously, and in which you should not do this. This is the most important difference between a smart person and a stupid one. Don’t be afraid to sometimes act stupid and forget about the manners of behavior accepted in society, tell us in the comments below the text what you think about this situation, and don’t forget to press the buttons
Our Yandex.Zen channel always has the most interesting articles on this topic. Be sure to subscribe!
26.07.2018 03:43
Makes him think he's being deceived
There are some great examples:
- And you asked why your friend is not a director yet, since he is so successful?
- Do you think they are not deceiving you?
- Did you think that they don’t respect you, but are just pretending?
Such questions can baffle any man. He is unlikely to be able to find answers, so he will think and try to rewind his life.
As a rule, a man will make the most unpleasant conclusion for himself and will be guided only by it in the future.
Get ready to accept
“A man must never be ashamed to admit that he has erred, for it merely shows that he is wiser to-day than he was yesterday,” wrote Alexander Pope, the 18th-century poet.
Today, psychologists consider such views to be a core personality trait known as “open-mindedness.” It determines how easily you deal with uncertain situations and how quickly you change your mind based on new evidence.
Philip Tetlock
Some people find this trait incredibly difficult to cultivate. But these difficulties are more than worth it in the long run. For example, Philip Tetlock of the University of Pennsylvania asked ordinary people to predict the development of complex political events over the next four years. He found that the best prognosis depends not only on IQ level, but also on the ability to doubt.
"Intellectual humility" can take many forms, but at its core is always the ability to question the limits of one's own knowledge.
What assumptions are your decision based on? How verifiable are these assumptions? What additional information should you look for to make your point of view more balanced? Have you looked at examples of similar situations for comparison?
In what situations can we look stupid and why?
To answer the main questions of our article about how to loosen up in communication and stop being afraid of seeming stupid, let's look at the main situations in which tightness and self-doubt are especially relevant.
In an unfamiliar company.
On a date or when first communicating with a member of the opposite sex.
At an interview and during any other communication with a potential employer.
Among professionals or amateurs in a field of activity in which you are poorly versed.
In unfamiliar company
Any circle of people who know each other and communicate closely has its own unspoken format of communication. There are things that are customary and not customary to do or say - the same “charter” that each “monastery” has its own. For example, in one society it may be customary to address each other as “you”, in another it may be “you”, and in both cases you will look like a “foreign body” if you break the rule.
In an unfamiliar company, the biggest mistake would be trying to impose your own rules on others or criticize existing ones.
Take a closer look at your surroundings. Sometimes it can be useful to copy the manner of communication of others, sometimes in the spirit of “wouldn’t it be impolite on my part if I say/do this,” etc. Openness, tact and the desire to join the team without ingratiation and flattery will always be appreciated.
Date or first meeting
The most delicate and subtle communication is communication with the opposite sex, which is unthinkable without worries and experiences of all kinds. It is noteworthy that romantic relationships are characterized by stupidity in all its diversity: they say that there is nothing stupider than a man in love. Most often, these are very sweet nonsenses that do not so much spoil communication as they are part of it and give it that same romantic flavor.
Do you want to seem like an interesting conversationalist? Your interlocutor wants this too. Let him feel that you are truly interested in him, and reciprocity will not keep you waiting.
But on a first date or when trying to make an acquaintance for the first time, it’s too early to talk about romance; it’s important to make a first impression, which will serve as the foundation for the development of a relationship. The key to a positive impression in this case will be attention to the interlocutor. Talk about yourself as little as possible unless asked, and if asked, make sure it’s not a routine question out of politeness. Fill awkward pauses with questions, don’t be afraid to seem curious: it’s much worse if you are considered uninterested.
Interview
The more prestigious and profitable the vacant position, the greater the demands the employer places on the applicant, the more reasons for the applicant to worry and stress before an important interview. The stupidest applicants in interviews are those who:
- they hide their excitement too hard behind a mask of indifference - a defensive reaction to stress makes a person behave arrogantly and dismissively, as if he were doing a favor to the employer, this always looks fake and never meets with sympathy;
- They brag too much - talking about your real achievements in the language of facts and figures is not bragging. “I graduated from the university with honors”, “thanks to my marketing strategy, sales increased by 40% in the first half of the year” - all these are verifiable facts that cannot be hushed up. “Yes, as a specialist, I have no price,” “no one in this city knows his business better than me” - this is bragging.
In a society of professionals
The fear of looking stupid in front of people who are more knowledgeable about the subject of conversation pushes us to different ways to compensate for ignorance. Some people prefer to remain silent and listen, while others do everything to look no less knowledgeable. The most stupid person looks like a poorly informed person who argues with a well-informed person.
It’s not a shame not to know, it’s a shame not to be interested, it’s even more shameful to try to appropriate non-existent knowledge.
The desire not to lose face is sometimes so high that arguments are literally sucked out of thin air and cause bewilderment among interlocutors. In most cases, those around you will try to tactfully change the direction of the conversation, but the impression of the incident will remain in their memory for a long time.
Know your blind spots
Surely you have at least once secretly thought: “I am smarter than the average person.” But this is not always true. This is what is now called “illusory superiority,” and research shows that it is most inflated among the least capable people.
In your defense, you can claim that you are smart because you did well in school, or because you perform well on game shows.
If so, you suffer from “confirmation bias,” which is the habit of choosing only evidence that supports your point of view.
Still don't believe it? If this is the case, psychologists will probably tell you that you suffer from a “blind spot bias,” that is, the habit of denying the obvious flaws in your own point of view.
Why You May Think You Are Stupid
You may be familiar with one of these situations:
- You are sitting in a group, and suddenly those gathered begin to discuss a topic about which you understand nothing. It doesn’t matter what it is: nuclear physics, the politics of Turkmenistan or the influence of memes on modern culture. The interlocutors argue heatedly, throwing out terms and facts. You have nothing to add, so you sit silently and think: “What kind of dumbass am I? I do not know anything!"
- You accidentally mixed up Manet and Monet, Kant and Comte, or Bebel and Hegel in a conversation and then lamented for weeks: “How was that possible? What nonsense!
- You have found a vacancy in your dream company. But we read the description and decided not to send our resume. The list of responsibilities is quite large, and you think that you cannot cope: “There will still be many candidates better than me. Eh, if I were smarter, I would...”
Often such thoughts interfere with life. But stupidity is a relative concept and depends on what exactly you put into it. For example, is lack of erudition in some area stupidity? No, you're just bad at one topic, but you might be brilliant at another. Therefore, if you consider yourself stupid, there are more questions about self-esteem than about intelligence.
Each of us has ideas about ourselves, about others and about the world as a whole. How our lives turn out largely depends on these attitudes. There are positive beliefs that help us cope with life's difficulties and support us. And there are negative ones, which, on the contrary, make you weaker and less self-confident. The thought “I’m stupid” is a negative attitude.
Anna Erkina
psychologist
There may be several reasons for the idea of one’s own stupidity.
Childhood experience
The child accepts what significant adults say and broadcast as the pure truth. If his parents tell him that he is stupid because smart children only get straight A's, or refuse to listen because he is "talking nonsense", it is not surprising that as he gets older he will consider himself not smart enough.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
Adult experience
Many attitudes are formed in childhood, but this does not mean that an adult is not subject to them. For example, the classic tactic of an abuser is to convince the victim that she is stupid, untalented and is not capable of anything without him. Naturally, this is a radical example. Less systemic and painful things can also leave their mark. For example, your boss cursed you in front of everyone, and now you doubt your own abilities.
Dunning-Kruger effect
This is a cognitive distortion: Unskilled and unaware of it: How difficulties in recognizing one's own incompetence lead to inflated self-assessments, which is as follows: the less competent a person is, the more inclined he is to exaggerate his skills. And vice versa: the more a person knows and can do, the more modestly he evaluates his experience. In other words, stupid people do not tend to doubt their intelligence; this is precisely the characteristic of those who are smarter.
Imposter syndrome
It is based on the Dunning-Kruger effect, but everything is complicated by anxiety and fear of failure. A fairly successful person may constantly doubt his abilities. It seems to him that his achievements are connected not with personal qualities, but with luck and other circumstances beyond his control. But the deception will definitely be revealed, and everyone will see that in fact he is stupid. And it keeps you in constant tension.
Habit of comparison
People tend to compare. For example, research shows Instagram #Instasad?: Exploring Associations Among Instagram Use, Depressive Symptoms, Negative Social Comparison, and Strangers Followed that Instagram may negatively impact psychological well-being. The reason for this is precisely social comparison: the user thinks that the people from his feed are more beautiful, more successful, and live a fuller life. It’s the same with intelligence: you can meet smart people and, in contrast, consider yourself stupid. Although the second does not follow from the first: someone’s beauty, intelligence, success do not devalue the beauty, intelligence, success of other people.
Ask yourself: “What if...”
One of the biggest problems with the education system is that it does not teach us to use our minds, that is, to think practically and creatively.
One way to develop these skills is to re-imagine key events in a situation. For example, history students might try writing an essay on “What might the world have been like if Germany had won World War II” or “What would have happened if the monarchy in Great Britain had been abolished back in the 17th century”?
It may sound strange, but this approach will force you to consider a variety of possibilities and a variety of hypotheses. Young children hone this kind of “counterfactual thinking” when they play and pretend, and it helps them learn everything from the laws of physics to communication skills. Adults don't tend to practice this consciously, but once you start, you may find that dealing with the unexpected is a great way to expand your thinking.
Development
Calmness, wisdom, rationality, poise, restraint, a good sense of humor, self-confidence and insight will allow you not to look like a fool in the eyes of other people. Develop yourself, learn something new, master complex terms, the use of which can demonstrate your intelligence. Just before doing this, make sure that you understand how they should sound in context, otherwise you will get the opposite effect to the desired one.
Read more. This develops thinking, imagination, and the ability to construct phrases in oral and written speech. Watch serious, extraordinary films that you can discuss later, attend worthwhile events. Be a well-rounded person, then it will be interesting to be with you.
Argue with yourself and don't soften the blows
If self-deprecation is not your strong suit, then there is a simple strategy to overcome this bias: simply choose a point of view that is directly opposite to yours and start arguing with your beliefs.
This internal debate will help eliminate many of the most dynamic biases, such as overconfidence and anchoring - the habit of relying on only one part of the evidence rather than the whole of the evidence.
A similar but slightly different tactic is to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see the situation from that person's point of view.
This can be especially helpful when solving personal problems: like the biblical King Solomon, we are often wiser by giving advice to others rather than solving our own problems.
Causes of stupidity
This happens because a very large number of people stop working on their development after studying at a university, and many even while studying at a university.
School
While we are studying at school, we are undergoing very strong development, that is, one way or another, we still learn the subject. Our brains are working, even figuring out how to make a cheat sheet for ourselves or how to pass an exam without having to study for it - this is very strong brain activity, plus we go to some sections. In general, people have the strongest brain activity during this stage.
University
Well, we studied at school, many go to college, not all of course, but many go to study at a university. There is also brain activity there, which is basically similar, because There are also exams, tests, you also need to study, you need to prepare. In general, there is also brain activity here, you are still your own person, but at least a little, you are engaged and even if you are not engaged, your brain is active.
Job.
Then the most interesting thing happens. Either in the middle of studying at a university, when everything is already as if it had been established and nothing new happens in terms of brain activity, or after studying at a university there is a sharp decline. Because a person finds a job, goes to work, there is little brain activity in the first days, because there he needs to settle in, understand how to work. But then the brain activity doesn’t move at all, because nothing happens, at work everything is the same, you do everything the same, you come home and watch the same TV, you watch the same thing on the Internet, nothing occurs from the point of view of self-development. This is the main reason.
And if you approach a person and ask what he did after studying at the institute, then 95% of the time they will tell you that he worked. He didn’t take any courses or any trainings, he just worked, and at that time his brain became stiff. While he was at school, he was active, considered different opinions and thoughts, even reading books, but then only work and the same type of days. It’s not interesting to talk to such people, because... they are missing out on a lot.
While you are young, while you are learning and developing, new neural channels, new neural networks are formed in your brain, you have new movement there, but when you constantly do the same thing, this movement does not occur and, accordingly, the brain weanes itself from developing these neural networks. channels and connections.
How to stop thinking you're stupid
Analyze data
Try to find evidence that you are stupid and refutations of this. Psychologist Anna Erkina advises avoiding the formulations “I think” and “It seems to me.” You need facts.
For example, your team lost in a bar quiz and your self-esteem is shaken. But if you think about it, you can remember that third place out of 52 teams is not so bad. Yes, and you got overwhelmed with questions like “Guess how many times the phrase Ya-ya-ya coco jambo was heard in the song Coco Jambo.” So there's nothing to worry about.
Find an alternative explanation
Most likely, the situation is not worth labeling yourself a fool at all. Surely there is another interpretation. Let's look at three examples of circumstances from the beginning of the text:
- I don't understand nuclear physics, I'm stupid. → I don't understand nuclear physics.
- I know the difference between Bebel and Hegel, what a dumbass I am. → It was awkward. Confused about who it doesn't happen to.
- They definitely won’t hire me for this position because I’m stupid. → The list of responsibilities is long. I can handle half of them well. Another quarter is familiar to me. I haven't had to deal with the rest yet.
It doesn't sound so radical, and therefore not so destructive.
