Hello, dear readers! At first glance, ideal couples can hide many problems that are simply unbearable to the outside. There are no absolutely harmonious relationships. But in one case it’s just a disagreement between lovers, in another it’s people who are strangers to each other, who don’t admit it to themselves for various reasons. So, how do you understand that a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave? How to realize in time that precious years are wasted in contact with a person with whom there is no future? We’ll figure it out below on the website, and at the same time we’ll find out what a toxic relationship is and how to get out of it.
Signs of a rupture
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In addition to identifying 16 common precursors to breakups, the authors of the 1998 study also noted that breakups are cyclical. It develops according to a common pattern that begins with a lack of interest in the partner, then turns into infatuation with another person, accompanied by distant behavior and ends with attempts to improve the relationship. This vicious cycle can repeat itself over several weeks, months or even years.
“This cyclical pattern shows how indecision leads to discord in relationships. It causes one or both partners to move closer to each other, then avoid each other - to strive to solve problems, and then move away again,” explained Mariana Bokarova, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto.
Now let's talk about these 16 signs and what each partner can do to prepare for each step. Our guides on this sad journey are Destin Pfaff and Rachel Federoff—husbands, relationship experts, dating coaches, and founders of Love and Matchmaking.
They also appeared on several seasons of the show Millionaire's Bride.
Below, we'll look at every sign of an imminent breakup and advice from Pfaff and Federoff. see also
Life after a breakup: how to communicate with exes and even become friends with them
How different zodiac signs break up
Each representative of the zodiac sign behaves differently when breaking up. But identifying the most characteristic phrases and reactions is quite simple.
- Aries. They quickly say the phrase “I want to break up” and leave without looking back. Sometimes this happens extremely unexpectedly for the partner.
- Taurus. For a long time and smoothly they prepare a person for the fact that soon their couple will cease to exist. Sometimes their warmth is perceived as indecisiveness, but these guys do not do rash things.
- Twins. Extremely insecure people. Today they can love to the point of unconsciousness, and tomorrow they can forget about the existence of a loved one. Therefore, the separation will be long.
- Cancers. They endure and remain silent for a long time. But if you start a conversation in the style of “I can’t stand this anymore,” there’s definitely no turning back.
- Lions. Representatives of this sign do not break up, they abandon. Therefore, when starting to date a Leo, you need to be prepared even for this.
- Virgos. Soft and gentle, they will delay the moment of conversation until the last moment. And as soon as the decision to separate becomes inevitable, they will disappear without speaking.
- Scales. They think and evaluate the situation for a long time. Ready for a compromise even after talking about a breakup, you just need to try.
- Scorpios. They are harsh and a little rude, but they take the breakup hard. Therefore, they try to talk about claims against each other in a timely manner, and if they decide to end a romantic relationship, then they do it according to all the rules.
- Sagittarius. They are purposeful and stubborn, so if you decide to break off the connection, you won’t be able to convince them.
- Capricorns. They are ready to compromise, so they endure for a long time. But they break up quickly and forever.
- Aquarius. The cautious behavior of representatives of this sign rarely leads to relationships in which they have to leave. But if this happens, they try to do it in silence, simply switching to ignoring their ex-partner.
- Fish. They are emotional and extremely hot-tempered, so a conversation about a breakup is unlikely to go smoothly.
READ How to keep your beloved: what should a guy do if a girl wants to break up with him
Partner loses interest in significant other
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Advice for this partner: communicate, communicate and communicate again! This is the #1 ingredient in any relationship! And if things don't work out, don't be passive-aggressive and let your partner know about it.
Find out why you lost interest. Have you tried to accept your partner's presence and needs? It may not be that you've lost interest, but that you're not doing anything to spice up your relationship. Before you cut ties, ask yourself, “Have I done everything I can to keep things interesting in the relationship?” If not, do some work before you walk out the door.
Advice for the other partner: Same here. If you feel like something is wrong, talk to your partner and ask questions. Get to the bottom of what's going on so you two can try to resolve the issue or break up before wasting each other's time and causing more pain.
Influence of past experience
The following situation: in a past relationship you were hurt (cheated on, abused, lied to, etc.), now you think that the further you go with your current boyfriend, the worse you will be morally. But where did you get the idea that all men are the same? Throw away all stereotypes, do not stigmatize others. Study the young man carefully, do not rush into a relationship right away if you are so afraid. If you talked for a long time, got to know the guy, and you liked everything, then go ahead and build love again. Breaking off the relationship in this case is not an option. Don't upset people because you can't solve your personal problems that have arisen in the past.
The same partner begins to pay attention to other attractive people
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Advice for the uninterested partner: If you're thinking about going left, do the right thing and end the current relationship. It is natural to look at others and find them attractive. But if you feel like you're about to cross the line and give in to your desires, put an end to the relationship first. Cheating is not normal.
But before you break up, try to evaluate what your current partner gives you. Does he still turn you on? Is there a spark between you? Try to add some fire to your relationship and analyze what you are missing: a new person or new sensations.
Advice for the other partner: If you notice that your significant other keeps looking sideways at others, talk and discuss what's going on. Bring to the surface what might be the root of the problem, make a plan to solve it, make changes. And if something doesn’t work out, ask yourself: maybe you deserve better? If your partner can't be honest with you, leave. Yes, it's hard and painful, but it will be even worse if you find out that you are being cheated on.
Do you really want to break up?
Before breaking up with a girl, a guy needs to sincerely and honestly answer the question: does he really want to break off the relationship? It will be very easy to break up, but to return the girl if it turns out that she is loved, it will be difficult and sometimes almost impossible.
Separating on your own means losing trust in yourself if you suddenly decide to return. In order not to aggravate the situation with rash actions, it is better to judge everything carefully.
Understand the true reasons for your desire:
- Have you lost interest in the girl? Looking at her, does nothing shiver inside you? When she is offended, do you bear it indifferently and calmly? Do you look at other young ladies, seeing your future with them? Most likely, you really fell out of love. If there is emptiness inside, then your decision to leave will be correct.
- Are you in a fight with a girl? Are you mad at her? Are you just bored, although you still think about the girl's feelings? Do you just want revenge? Most likely, your decision to leave will be wrong. You have feelings for a girl, even if not love. The breakup will hurt your feelings, you may want to get the girl back, the feelings after the breakup will be unbearable.
Of course, only the guy can decide whether to break up with the girl or not. It’s simply suggested that you do exactly what you really want.
Partner begins to withdraw from the relationship emotionally and/or physically
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Advice for a partner who has lost interest: Again, the key word is communication. Bring up the topic and state it clearly and politely. Tell your partner how you feel so you can both try to correct the negative aspects that are making you want to leave. Perhaps this is just a misunderstanding that can be easily resolved.
Or maybe you'll have to see a psychologist. It is also possible that the time has come to say: “We tried, but nothing works.”
It's all about introspection. Find out: Do you tend to pull away from a person when your relationship reaches a certain point? Is it a habit you've developed to avoid a big chunk of long-term commitment? If yes, try to change your behavior.
Go to couples therapy or see a psychologist yourself to better understand yourself.
Advice for the other partner: If you notice that your partner is starting to pull away, let them know. Don’t sit idly by, don’t harbor resentment, and don’t make false assumptions. Just ask the right questions and talk about your feelings.
If your partner is struggling with their emotions and withdrawing, you need to be prepared to hear what the real problem is. Have you talked to your partner about his mental state?
Have you done anything to try to improve the relationship instead of letting it stagnate? Do this and then discuss how you both can move forward.
see also
What is asexuality and how is it different from abstinence?
Advice from psychologists
Psychologists insist on the need to survive the breakup so as not to return to the idea of renewing the relationship. Each stage after a rupture can be smoothed out:
- Denial – any thoughts that arise about a temporary cessation of communication should be smoothed out by returning to the list of shortcomings compiled in preparation for the conversation about the breakup.
- Anger - active sports that require energy will help. Running, dancing, boxing and swimming are suitable.
- Bargaining – when trying to return, remember your sense of self-esteem.
- Depression - in this state, a change in activity, departure, a new hobby or travel will be useful. With a limited budget and time, you can try to change your area of residence or go to a country house for the weekend.
Starting a new life after a breakup is always a long and painful process. It will require determination and confidence in the decision made, so be prepared for difficulties. However, further continuation of unpromising relationships is even worse.
Both partners try to work things out
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Advice for partners: Express your feelings in a way that your partner can actually hear you. People tend to listen more than they hear. Use more “I” and “you” when talking to each other. Pointing your finger at your partner and blaming him for all his sins will only build a protective fortress around yourself.
Present your point of view gradually, in small steps, so that your partner has time to process everything. Repeat what you just heard from your significant other to show her that you truly hear her words and understand their meaning.
Partners spend less and less time together
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Advice for partners: Time apart is always good, but if it becomes too much, something is going on. Ask each other questions, express your feelings and try to solve the problem. Make time for more intimacy - not only physical, but also emotional. Plan your dates: Everyone has a calendar on their smartphone - keep them there so you don't have the chance to take a step back.
But also keep in mind that spending less time together isn't necessarily a red flag. This may be a sign of a relationship that is moving into a healthy, realistic state. As long as you have the strength, desire and energy to find time for meetings, everything is fine. Give your partner at least a few days a week to make you both feel loved.
Lack of interest reappears
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Advice for a partner who is losing interest: Reconnect! Let your partner know that things are not going the way you want. Try to resolve the problem, and if it doesn’t work, do a good deed and end the relationship.
Advice for the other partner: same rule. If your partner's lack of interest seems to be a habit, seek advice from a psychologist. Because it may have more to do with the person himself and his character than with the actual situation. Or maybe it's time to end a relationship that doesn't bring you positive emotions.
Constant quarrels
If you spend more time in confrontation than in peace, this is a bad sign. Normal adequate relationships should bring joy to both partners. Adult love makes each other happy, motivates and inspires.
Who needs constant dullness in a relationship? You must understand each other, respect and hear. Live in harmony with your man, learn to seek compromises and communicate without arguing. Speak calmly, without claims, personalities or unconstructive criticism.
Also get rid of the idea that you are always right. Listen to your man, enter his situation and look at the quarrel through his eyes. Perhaps you will understand why he thinks this way and not otherwise.
One partner, or perhaps both, are thinking about ending the relationship for good
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Advice for partners: Make a list of pros and cons (yes, like in the TV series "Friends"). It's actually a simple but powerful way to evaluate what your next step should be.
Obviously: if there are more pros than cons, you need to think about how to return the relationship to its previous course. If there are more disadvantages, end the relationship, but do it with less damage to both of you.
Partners share their feelings with each other
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Advice for partners: As we already said, communication is the key point in a relationship. But this does not mean that you need to shower each other with all emotions. Real partners must have a competent strategy for communicating with each other.
Take turns discussing potential problems or triggers that arise and how they make you feel.
Then offer a possible solution without making the other person feel guilty or ashamed. If you both need time to think, stop the conversation for 20 minutes so that everyone can sort out their feelings, and then return to a calmer state and solve the problem.
Limits in everything
Did he stop you from seeing your friends? Or tried to control any 5 minutes when you weren't there? On the one hand, this may seem very romantic, because your boyfriend is showing concern in this way, but on the other hand, total control is similar to a form of violence.
Even if a person is in a close relationship, there should still be a zone of freedom of action. Therefore, if your relationship consists only of communication with each other, while one of the couple controls the partner by any means available, then this is a warning - perhaps this is a toxic relationship. And it is not for nothing that they bear such a name, since they are dangerous for the proper functioning of the individual.
Break up if...
Forbids seeing friends and loved ones, subjecting them to total control. For example, this kind of love manipulation is very often used by narcissists. In any case, such behavior is contrary to a healthy relationship where everyone has the right to personal space.
Stay together
Everyone has a period in their life when everything comes at once - work, study, difficulties at home. And there is simply no time to answer calls and messages. And at this moment the guy sends a message to find out how you are doing. Here it is important to understand that it is not your partner trying to control you unnecessarily, but simply a difficult moment in life that requires concentration. Calmly explaining the situation. A truly caring soulmate will understand everything and even offer their help.
One or both partners begin to withdraw from each other
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Advice for both partners: Once again, follow your intuition. Only if it does not involve cheating on your partner.
see also
17 Real (and Heartbreaking) Reasons for Emotional Cheating
One or both partners go on dates with other people while still dating
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Advice for both partners: If it's a mutual decision, make sure you set boundaries and rules. Discuss what is allowed and what is not. Decide how much information you will share with each other about other dates and what the purpose of this agreement is.
Will you still date others? Perhaps you still want to end this relationship? Do as much research as you can to make sure this is the relationship that's right for you, and that you're not just doing this to appease your partner, but for yourself as well.
