Our parents taught us from childhood to be kind, courteous, and polite. All this helps to find friends, like-minded people, and form a positive opinion of yourself among others. Unfortunately, our world is not ideal. Of course, if everyone around were kind, it would be good. However, there are a lot of negativity and toxic people around, so normal people do not always receive a pleasant reward for their good deeds. There is even a saying: “Don’t do good, you won’t get evil!”
You can't be an overly kind person, otherwise it will end badly. Why? There are negative consequences to your kindness.
You're Too Available to Toxic People
You are so easy to manipulate and so quickly fall under the influence of toxic people. Be careful, your kindness can play a very cruel joke on you.
Being a kind person is an amazing and beautiful quality. But it is impossible to be kind always and excessively, because people can start to take advantage of it. Live for yourself first. Why are you kind to others but forget about yourself? This is completely wrong! Become a little selfish, but don't stop being kind. Look for balance!
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Kindness is not the best way to win people over. Instead, it is better to use special psychological techniques for every day. The following reasons will help you understand how excessive kindness can poison your life.
You will begin to attract manipulators
Kindness is a magnet not only for good people, but also for evil people. They see the good in you, so they start taking advantage of you. It is much easier to put pressure on a kind person and force him to do what he does not want. Be extremely careful and only respond positively to requests from people who definitely will not take advantage of you. The rest need to learn to give a negative answer.
White lie
Too kind people often lie. They simply don't want to upset others, so they find ways to hide the unpleasant truth. Many people take offense at them for this and stop communicating, although in fact their intentions are pure and devoid of calculation. If you are very kind, learn to tell the unpleasant truth.
Kindness is permission to step over you
Most often, people violate the boundaries of those who are kind and gentle. Be outraged by the violation of personal space and insolence. Then strong personalities will respect you. If you are kind even to those who wipe their feet on you, everyone will stop respecting you.
Kind people are less successful
Scientists conducted a study and correlated two indicators - kindness and financial success. It turned out that kind people are much poorer than those who behave boldly and arrogantly. In men this is very clearly noticeable, but the difference in financial success between evil and kind women was approximately 4-6%.
The expectations of good people are not met
Too kind people perceive the world incorrectly. They judge him by themselves. They think that being too kind will bring them happiness, but it doesn't. You need to be able to be both good and evil in order to be able to show your teeth to ill-wishers in the right situation and force them to retreat.
Suspicion
People are used to the fact that everyone around them is evil. When we meet an overly kind person, we inadvertently begin to think that we are being deceived. Sometimes they pretend to be kind to get what they want. This practice really exists, so many are very wary of good-natured people.
Appreciate the sincere and pure kindness of other people. Respect and seek to interact with those who are genuinely generous and optimistic. But there are five types of people who, on the contrary, need to be eliminated from your life. Know how to distinguish bad from good and real from fake. Remember that excessive kindness is not better than evil.
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30.01.2021 01:48
Why is it bad to be kind in modern society?
Let's look at specific examples of why kindness also has negative consequences.
Understanding Responsibility
In order not to confuse weakness with kindness, it is necessary to correctly distribute responsibility . Let's say a young man likes a girl, but she does not show a favorable attitude. The young man wants to gain trust and favor, he takes on other people's responsibilities in and outside of work. The girl, of course, likes this course of things, but she does not change her cold attitude towards the young man. A banal situation.
In the end, the guy will lose his temper, call the inaccessible madam a bad word and leave, holding his head up proudly. And at the same time, he will be branded a fool. And that's why. After all, the girl did not ask her to help, did not beg her to take on her responsibility. The young man himself invaded her space, hoping for a certain result, but did not receive it. This is not kindness, but a calculation, and an incorrect one at that.
Helping someone else to your own detriment
There is another example of why it is bad to be kind. Let's say a girl takes responsibility and takes care of a distant relative. Perhaps the husband’s father fell ill, or maybe we are talking about a second cousin. Caring for the infirm, she forgets about her husband, children, and herself. But... He devotes all his thoughts and deeds to the weak.
A distant relative takes help for granted and may even reproach you for not having sweet enough tea or thick borscht. Gradually, the girl’s personal life and marriage are collapsing, and her husband remains confused about what is happening. Children also become cool towards their mother. The marriage may fall apart.
Is our heroine kind? First of all, it is short-sighted. After all, by putting the interests of another person at the forefront, she put her own life on hold. And also children, a husband, who really need a woman. It is worth taking responsibility for other people only if it is consistent with the interests of the person and does not harm them.
The art of saying “no” firmly
The ability to refuse is the simplest and most effective way to stop being kind. The help of a person who often says “no” is valued much more. And life becomes easier, more free time appears. It is necessary to reject the excesses of education, the distortions of the school, where collective values were instilled in the first place.
How to learn to say “no”? It will take training. Imagine that a not-so-nice colleague is once again trying to push his work onto you. And at this time he will have fun at the club, meet beauties. Can you tell him no?
Be sure to set aside a few days a week when you refuse any offer. Of course, to those requests that go beyond the scope of official duties. Notice how much free time you have. You don't need to think about how to become evil - you just don't need to be kind to everyone. All requests that are addressed to you should not invade the boundaries of your personal space.
Read more about the ability to say “no” in our other article.
Boundary designation
Everyone has personal space. When someone invades him, a person may become nervous. Why should things be any different with help? If a person invites someone to visit him, he does so consciously. This means that the same rules should apply in matters of assistance. Don't just be polite while demonstrating your altruism. The other person might not like it. In general, it is not always worth offering help if it does not align with your interests.
To be kind... How is it?
Kind does not mean weak and weak-willed. Remind yourself of this constantly, otherwise you will not change your own attitude towards life. It’s one thing to help your grandmother lift her bag on the subway, on a long flight of stairs. It’s another thing to remain silent when a colleague “throws” his own affairs at you. In the second case, we are not talking about kindness, but about weakness mixed with stupidity.
To do good means to help a person who really needs it. But not to the detriment of yourself, from the bottom of your heart, without coercion. If a person turns into a rag, a chronic loser that everyone rides on, he is weak, he does not understand the boundaries of what is permitted. You can be known as a trouble-free person, but this will hardly help you rise to serious heights.
Another thing: a kind person will not help someone who can cope on their own. In this case, help will only bring harm and nothing good. This approach may even offend some.
Why a person should be kind: pros and cons
Remember how the cartoon old woman Shapoklyak sang: “Whoever helps people is wasting his time: you cannot become famous for good deeds!”
Is she right? Who is respected more - good people or evil ones?
Considering the contradictions of our time, the first answer that comes to mind is that the kind are not respected, but simply taken advantage of by their kindness. Their loved ones are taken away from under their noses; they are given a bunch of responsibilities and assignments; borrow money and are in no hurry to pay it back; They are not afraid to push them out of the way if the opportunity arises - if it is beneficial to do so.
Let us at least remember the fairy tale “Cinderella”: the stepmother and daughters rushed to the ball, and the stepdaughter was hung with a huge list of heavy household items.
Why not? The good will come to terms with everything, they will understand and forgive, they will regret and will not fight back. Such people do not know how to work with their elbows, making their way in life, but on the contrary, they will yield it to the weak, and even help them walk along it.
Good people don’t know how (or do they deliberately don’t want to?) walk over people’s heads, trip them up, and play not by the rules. Are they really weak?
In order to understand this issue, I propose to compare: what pros and cons await those who choose this lifestyle for themselves - to be kind. Simply put, is this life position really that good and comfortable?
Advantages
- Friendly attitude of others
- Ease of communication with people, ability to find an approach to them
- Gratitude from those who were helped (if they are, of course, adequate people)
Flaws
- Kindness can be mistaken for character weakness, which can lower your credibility
- The likelihood that they will “sit on your neck”: they will push you around, manipulate you
- The danger of becoming a victim of scammers and hypocrites
This is, so to speak, an “external” vector. It shows how others will perceive your kindness and possibly take advantage of it. Everything will depend on their integrity and your ability to understand people.
And now I propose an “internal” vector: how will this affect a person who treats the people around him kindly?
Advantages
- Harmony with the outside world
- The realization that someone needs you
- Good mood and generally feeling well
- Feeling of well-being and happiness
Flaws
- The need to sacrifice one’s interests, to let other people into one’s personal space
- Feeling awkward because someone around you is feeling unwell
- Sympathy for someone else's misfortune can darken the mood, or even ruin it
- Psychological discomfort due to the inability to say “no” (or due to the fact that you still had to say “no”)
Summary
Now there is no doubt that being unconsciously kind is bad. You don't have to become bad to improve things. You need to cherish healthy selfishness, respect your own and other people’s boundaries, and also be able to firmly say no. Of course, you need to be kind in your family, help true friends, but not allow yourself to be ridiculed.
How to stop being uncontrollably kind? Respect yourself, your own time and help. This does not mean that self-interest should be seen everywhere. But you should never forget about your interests.
Is kindness a manifestation of strength or weakness of character?
It's no secret that some people feel shame when they do something good. They consider this human quality to be old-fashioned and out of step with the challenges of today's business acumen.
Sympathy for others seems to slow down the movement forward - to the heights of a career, the status of a successful and business person.
But then why do many successful people actively engage in charity work? And many of them do it anonymously?
A kind person loses what can be called “thick skin”; he is more sensitive to other people’s problems. But also to joy.
To be kind means to perceive life more fully and fully - in its entire palette of colors.
This means being much braver, because generous and noble people are not afraid to look life in the eye, and do not hide their heads in the sand when they need to lend a helping hand.
Kind people have spiritual generosity and strength, knowing that it is easier to overcome problems not alone, but when there is someone nearby who is ready to help.
To be kind is not to be afraid to ruin your precious mood because you see someone’s pain or delve into someone’s problems. This is the ability to spend your time, your life energy, emotions on another person. This means helping a person cope with problems in order to then see his joy.
By the way, being kind is not only the ability to sympathize with troubles, but also the ability to sincerely, without envy, share with someone their successes and victories. And, alas, not everyone is capable of this either.
But what is surprising is that people who are not very kind themselves have a habit of being the loudest indignant when they themselves are faced with an unkind attitude towards themselves. At this point they go into a rage and give vent to their anger in full.
Is it necessary to be kind?
The question of how to become evil is often asked by unformed individuals. After all, evil is abstract , and changes require goals and guidelines. Not being kind does not mean being evil at all. There is no point in fighting altruism and a highly moral attitude towards life. Such a character can be beautiful, and actions – graceful. We are talking about something completely different – about weakness.
You cannot be kind at the expense of your own interests . It is not without reason that they say that reasonable selfishness is the key to survival in society. If you experience every problem of others as if it were your own, you can go crazy. Personal boundaries are necessary, crossing which is unacceptable. And this does not stop us from helping other people. Paradoxically, just as an evil person can turn out to be an altruist, a good person can very well be an egoist. All personal qualities are manifested in interaction, and only actions matter.
