For a long time, there was an idea that motherhood is the only purpose of a woman, that only after giving birth to a child can she be considered complete. Little girls are given dolls, toy strollers and bottles. “She nurses the doll so tenderly, as if it were a real baby, she will be an ideal mother,” the parents rejoice. But now her daughter has grown up, time passes, and pregnancy is still not part of her plans. Why doesn't a woman want children? Let's try to understand the psychology of child-free.
Financial situation
Children are a very expensive project. This is not only a set of onesies and diapers, it also includes education, nutrition, medicines, gadgets, etc., etc. And you will have to spend large sums for 18 years (at least). Women have every reason not to trust sayings about a bunny and a lawn. Girls who grew up in poor families know very well what it’s like to dress “the worst of everyone.” And girls from wealthy families are afraid that they will not be able to maintain a high material level for many years. Besides this, there is no hope for anyone’s help in our country.
A little history
Life is changing rapidly, and these days giving birth to your first child at 46 is not an exception to the rule, but rather a conscious step by an adult woman. Women whose youth occurred during the era of the Soviet Union are perplexed: how can this be?
In the USSR, from 1941 until its collapse, there was a tax on childlessness. 6% of wages was paid by men from 20 to 60 years old and women from 20 to 45 years old.
In addition, the birth of the first and subsequent children made it possible to actually improve living conditions. Needless to say, the birth rate was high?
The desire for self-realization, career
A woman does not want to exchange the best period of her life, when she could build a career, study and develop, for pregnancy, childbirth and maternity leave. After three years of “falling out” of the profession, a person not only stops, but rolls back. It is very difficult to catch up. The girl fears (and this is logical) that the child will take up almost all of her time, that she will have to give up not only work, but also her hobby (not everyone is fond of embroidery, some like rock climbing). Instead of being realized as a person and a professional, she will have only one hypostasis - a woman-mother.
What to do if your wife doesn't want children?
When spouses look at one problem from different angles, it is worth trying to find a compromise that will definitely suit both. What should a husband do if his wife stubbornly refuses to give birth to a baby?
First of all, you need to find out the reasons for this behavior. Perhaps they are not so serious. First you need to look within yourself. Pay attention to whether you earn enough? Maybe your income is too low, and your spouse is afraid to hint at it, and the birth of a child will clearly put you in a deep hole. It is also important to decide on the issue of trust. If it is not there, then it is understandable why the wife does not want to have children. But if everything is in order on both counts, then it’s worth talking to your wife and asking directly why she doesn’t want to continue the family line.
Fear of physical changes
Pregnancy and childbirth, even if everything goes well, is a serious test not only for the psyche, but also for the body. Hormonal imbalances, stretch marks, age spots, hair loss and dental problems, varicose veins, hemorrhoids, weight gain and other “joys of life” accompany a woman for nine months, or even much longer. After the baby is born, sleep deprivation, depression, and difficulties with breastfeeding may be added to this list. It is clear that fears may outweigh the desire to have a child.
What to do - the wife does not want to have children: advice from psychologists
Psychologists are also of the opinion that the husband should definitely find out the reason and try to correct it. For example, if a wife is afraid of being a bad mother, then you need to get her to change her mind.
If the first birth was very difficult or the child died during the process, or maybe there was a miscarriage in the later stages, then only a psychologist can help the problem. It will help a woman get out of depression and believe in herself again.
If a woman has not yet worked up and is not ready to have children, then there is no need to rush into having them. The moment when it will be decided will definitely come.
Ideological considerations
There are girls who believe that there are already too many people on our planet. Resources are not infinite, why give birth? The children will grow up, they will have nowhere to work, nothing to eat and nothing to breathe. “If I suddenly want a child, I’ll take a ready-made one from an orphanage,” this is how these girls reason, and there is a reason for these thoughts. In addition, they consider the standard motives for having children unworthy: all these “glasses of water”, “continuation of oneself in descendants”, “that’s how it’s supposed to be”. Women can resist the rabid propaganda of motherhood, refusing to provide their bodies as an incubator for soldiers, or to give the state “new oil.”
It is normal and natural to want children. But not wanting them either.
Man is a rational being and is quite capable of deciding for himself whether he needs to reproduce in principle, and if so, to do it now or later. Childfrees do not harm anyone, do not take anything from anyone, and do not hate children (not to be confused with child haters). There is no need to shame women who do not want to give birth. If someone is outraged by their choice, he should ask himself the question why someone else's life worries him so much. Perhaps such a person regrets that at one time he did not think about having such a choice.
Is it worth getting a divorce if the wife doesn’t want a child?
Should you get a divorce if your wife doesn't want children?
In this case, divorce is not the solution to the problem. A man in such a situation does not just want a child. It must be from the woman he loves. They just want children in rare cases. Undoubtedly, you can always get a divorce and find a woman who will love children. But that would be a selfish act.
You must understand that children are always happy when their mom and dad love each other. And when parents simply love their children, but not each other, then such a relationship will definitely not be an example to follow. So you should only get a divorce as a last resort. It is better to try to persuade your spouse, solve problems together with her, and awaken her maternal instinct.
Childfree philosophy - free from children
For people who voluntarily abandoned parenthood, they came up with a name - childfree (sometimes shortened to BSF). This term is derived from the English words child - “child” and free - “free”.
Representatives of this movement voluntarily refuse to procreate, not wanting to spend their lives on education and care. They consider childlessness a privilege of modern society and liberation from old-fashioned beliefs. With their philosophy they clearly demonstrate imaginary independence and uniqueness.
Excessive social pressure
Today no one pays a tax for unwillingness to have a child for the time being, but everyone decides the housing issue for themselves. In any case, now the birth of a child does not guarantee receipt of support from the state, so family planning today must be approached consciously.
Children born in the 80s and 90s have now reached childbearing age. Taking into account the almost complete absence of government programs for obtaining preferential housing space, the high cost of children's goods and medicines, many are in no hurry to decide to become parents.
This causes dissatisfaction among the older generation: “How can you live without children?”, “Have you decided to live for yourself?”
Although, as they say, living the way you want is not selfishness, it’s selfishness to force others to live the way you want. Therefore, many people are bothered by such questions.
A more unpleasant aspect that young childless women face is the constant questioning of colleagues at work, relatives and other acquaintances:
- “When will it be?”
- “Time goes by, you’re not getting any younger.”
- “How come there are no children? And for whom do you live?
- “I’ll give you the phone number of a healer. Don’t brush it off, my niece was infertile, but she was able to give birth. What does it mean to have no health problems? Why don’t you give birth then?”
Such “good” advisers cause not only rejection, but even disgust in young women towards the process of bearing and giving birth to a child.
Is it normal not to want children given such pressure from colleagues and acquaintances? The answer is obvious.
The child is only a guest in your home
Firstly, you need to live not for the sake of children, but simply for the sake of life as such. Find meaning in simple things, love and respect the people around you, do useful work and open new horizons.
An Indian proverb says: “A child is a guest in your home: feed it, educate it and let it go.”
To think that a little person who has just come into this world will discover the meaning of existence and make a previously bland life rich and interesting is, at the very least, reckless. The child himself needs acceptance and understanding. He will not solve anyone’s problems; on the contrary, with his appearance, troubles and unresolved issues will only increase.
And let's be honest...
Men don't give birth. Pregnancy is not only a joyful state, but also a frequent urge to go to the toilet at the most inopportune moments, toxicosis, compulsive overeating or a complete lack of appetite. And many, many things.
The male body does not experience hormonal storms and changes; it does not need to pick itself up piece by piece after childbirth.
But at the same time, the birth of a new life is a real miracle. And the best way to convince your wife to give birth is to overcome the fear of the unknown and a new stage in your life together.
Ksenia Litvin,
psychologist Growth Phase
Educate yourself
And besides, the child needs an active mother who can go to a blockbuster movie and take part in rafting on a mountain river. The examples are exaggerated, but the essence of the message is clear: in order to develop a child and teach him new things, you need to constantly develop yourself.
The baby wants to be proud of his mother: affectionate and gentle with him, but strong and persistent with everything that concerns her family. The British say: don’t raise children, educate yourself, because the children will be like you anyway. In a child we see a reflection of our character traits, both positive and negative.
The statement “I absolutely don’t want children” is sometimes dictated by the fear of changing one’s established life. After all, with a baby you need to be prepared for change. Having an interest in life in all its manifestations will get rid of the “empty nest syndrome”, when a woman, accustomed to completely dissolving in her children, simply cannot find a place for herself after they leave to study in another city.
Unhappy childhood
Many psychological and emotional problems begin at an early age. The negative example of your own family affects the subconscious, so the desire not to have a child may be caused by your own life experience. If a girl had an unhappy family as a child where she was treated poorly, it is logical that she would not want to have such experiences again.
Often this is a problem in a girl’s relationship with her mother: a child who did not receive warmth in childhood does not have the necessary amount of warmth and love to share with her own child. Psychological, emotional or physical abuse of the father during childhood can also prevent children from being born. What can you do? Such deep childhood emotional problems cannot be solved on their own or with just a heart-to-heart conversation. The best option would be to jointly visit a psychologist who will help you cope with childhood trauma and safely overcome this fear.
Wait until your early thirties.
You might want to wait until you're in your thirties to get sterilized to see if your attitude toward motherhood changes, suggests Dr. Ireland. This is not uncommon. Decisions you make in your twenties may not make sense to you as an adult.
“I didn’t think about having children until I was well into my thirties,” recalls Bernadette Grundy, a marketing executive who finally had a child at almost 40. “I was absorbed in my work and social life. But then my friends started having children, and motherhood began to seem more and more attractive to me. I managed to give birth to a child at the last minute, and I’m glad that I did it.”
“It's hard not to feel alienated when you spend a lot of time with women who are all mothers,” Dr. Ireland notes. “Since most women are mothers, you run the risk of being isolated unless you have childless friends.”
“It's like when everyone else is married and you're single,” says Dr. Booth. “You can live perfectly well alone and even chose this lifestyle yourself, but you feel that you are somehow different from others.”
The first reason is the lack of a partner
Every woman wants to meet a worthy partner. Society puts pressure, everyone around insists that after 35 it’s problematic to meet the right person. A woman tries her best until she completely loses hope, notes psychologist Sukhova. Of course, there are those who actively convince themselves that happiness will find them on its own and that they still have to wait. Someone is actively engaged in working through their unconscious and improving themselves. And then, supposedly, she and her partner will unite and start having children together.
