How to stop being vulnerable and taking everything too personally

Remember your childhood

Unfortunately, a vulnerable person is far from being a hothouse flower, unprepared for society, as many people think. Most often, such people are not accustomed to careful treatment and have experienced many difficult events in the past.

Think about what happened in your childhood? Have you encountered condemnation, rejection, neglect? Have you ever felt lonely or helpless around your loved ones?

If yes, then your psyche is still in that time. Therefore, you perceive all the people who come your way with caution. You think that they will offend you just like in childhood.

To get rid of this, you need to let go of grievances against your parents or other loved ones who forced you to go through such problems. Feel inside yourself that little girl who lacked the approval and attention of her family. Imagine hugging your child version and telling her that she is very good, that no one would dare to hurt her. Give yourself what you expect from other people.

Of course, if you find it difficult to cope on your own, it is better to consult a psychologist.

Working through childhood traumas will help you feel more calm about jokes in your direction. You will stop hearing reproaches and complaints where there are none, and look for hidden meaning in the words of your interlocutor. Healing from old traumas will protect your psyche.

Now we will discuss techniques that do not require long-term work with a psychologist and the inner world.

How to explain your hypersensitivity to others

In Russia, very few people know about the existence of high sensitivity sensory processing. Many such people were told in childhood that they were simply weak, although this is not true: sensitivity does not negate strength and masculinity. But we continue to live with a feeling of weakness throughout our lives, which affects self-esteem and self-confidence.

The more people who know and understand hypersensitivity, the less we will face global misunderstanding and rejection. Of course, not all people can perceive information about your sensitivity with interest or understanding: for some it will seem impossible and stupid, for others it will not matter at all. But your loved ones may want to understand you better.

Here are five facts worth sharing with others:

1. High sensitivity means that your nervous system is more receptive to any stimuli: not only do you notice more, your nervous system processes information longer and more deeply.
2. Your high sensitivity is genetic. This is a feature of your body, and not a fantasy “in your head.”
3. "Sensitive" doesn't necessarily mean "emotionally sensitive" (although sometimes it is). Emotions are only one of the components; it is better to place the main emphasis on sensory sensitivity.
4. Too much or too long exposure to continuous stimuli affects you negatively. Your brain is under high cognitive load as it processes every detail around it. Everyone gets tired from overstimulation, but it happens faster for you.
5. High sensitivity offers many benefits. For example, you may be creative, empathetic, and able to understand others, so people usually turn to you for comfort and advice.

Avoid traumatic situations

Vulnerability in adulthood is a persistent feature of the psyche. It is almost impossible to eradicate it, but it is possible to weaken it so that it does not cause such severe discomfort. To do this, use the avoidance technique.

If you are invited to a birthday party where there will be an unpleasant person who disturbs your inner peace, try to refuse the invitation. Congratulate the birthday person over the phone or come separately when there are no other guests.

My example: there was a case when some woman responded to my joke on social networks, quite clearly hinting at my low intelligence. This really hurt me, and I spent the whole day going over possible responses to her comment in my head. But then she said to herself: “Stop!” and simply ignored her comment. Because if I got into an argument, I could be faced with new, ruder answers. I didn’t make excuses to her so as not to make things worse, but avoided a traumatic situation.

Analyze in which cases your vulnerability causes the most discomfort, and try to avoid them. For example, you should not go to an event where your ex-husband will be with his new chosen one.

Such measures are needed for a while until you achieve high self-esteem and stop paying attention to others.

Impressionability: good or bad

Impressionability is closely related to vulnerability, excitability, and emotionality. Some expressions of impressionability look cute, for example, when a girl cries over a movie or when she squeals with delight at a surprise from a young man. Some people are even attracted to it; they call it spontaneity, unpredictability, surprise.

But there are situations (they occur more often) when impressionability plays a cruel joke on its owner and his environment. Conflicts, hysteria, public “speaking” are a small part of what impressionability can turn into. The husband was late at work for half an hour or did not answer the call, and the wife is already in tears and writing an application for divorce. Or the child accidentally broke a vase, and the mother, not understanding the essence of the matter, became emotional, and beat the child.

So is impressionability good or bad? As always, the truth is in the middle: good in moderation. It is pleasant and interesting to communicate with emotional, lively people, but as long as it does not go to extremes. Due to excessive sensitivity, the person himself suffers. He is angry at his reactions, at his inability to control himself. His loved ones suffer because every time they communicate with an impressionable type, it’s like they’re walking through a minefield.

Do mirroring and transferring

If you are nevertheless faced with a situation that is unpleasant for you and you feel how deeply the words of another person hurt you inside, turn on your imagination. Imagine that there is a huge dome around you. You can paint it your favorite color. This dome reflects everything bad that is said to you and returns it to the other person.

In addition to the dome, you can imagine that the interlocutor is speaking not to you, but to someone else, for example, to the woman from the next apartment. Imagine that she is standing in your place and listening to all this.

It is also useful to imagine that you are a mirror, and the interlocutor is talking to himself. When I worked in an office, I used this technique during a conversation with my boss.

12.“Open space is cool”

Short SMS to your beloved girl: find the key to her heart

Not really. For the same reason that choosing solo (or home) training over group training, highly sensitive people prefer “solo” work environments. Such a person would be better off as a freelancer (where he can control the incentives in his work environment) or even as a driver (where there is more privacy and less noise in the cab) than working in a fun, large and friendly team, but in an open office.

Such people can best reveal themselves in creative professions - photographer, writer, artist, choreographer, designer, art critic, analyst - everything that allows them to notice and broadcast information and those details that are almost invisible to the ordinary eye. Often such people manage to achieve good results in large teams, with a fairly friendly atmosphere within the team and a high level of self-control. A highly sensitive person can train himself to more “standard behavior” and consciously choose (to the extent possible) reactions, as well as by an effort of will to indicate a distance from certain people.

It is worth adding that the reaction to words and events in highly sensitive people can be either pronounced (“Nightmare”, “Wow!”), or not demonstrated publicly

But your carelessly thrown words can significantly (and for a long time) affect the mood and even self-esteem of an impressionable interlocutor in both cases

As for health, experts strongly do not advise people with a low threshold of emotional perception to abuse bad habits. On the contrary, highly sensitive people are advised to keep themselves in good physical shape and pamper themselves with healthy dishes - after all, productivity and learning ability directly depend on the well-being of impressionable people.

And one more thing: a highly sensitive person (unless, of course, you “crush” him completely) will never agree to reduce the severity of his experiences.

Find a way out for the emotions sitting inside

A vulnerable person accumulates many feelings in his soul: resentment, anger, irritation. This is harmful to the body and is fraught with psychosomatic problems. To avoid this, you need to be able to discharge, that is, throw out emotions.

Usually, vulnerability forces us to replay the phrase spoken to us thousands of times in our heads, to analyze the person’s views and behavior. Switch your thoughts to stop this process and emotions stop accumulating.

Anything that relaxes you is suitable for this: sauna, massage, beauty treatments, cleaning, etc. Sports, yoga and jogging also help a lot.

But you need to learn to express your anger in a gentle way. Pillow beating and other aggressive techniques will not suit you. It’s better to talk through your emotions with a loved one, write them out, and get active.

Rationalize the situation

When you feel that another person has hurt you, use logical thinking. Because behind the resentment and unpleasant emotions, we forget to rationalize the situation. Look at it from the outside: did this person really do or say something bad to you? Is he worth your offense or is it just a misunderstanding? If it is your partner or relative, then ask directly what he meant. Let him clarify his attitude towards you so that you can soberly assess what happened and not beat yourself up.

In the case of people you don’t know well, use this psychological technique: take pity on the person, and don’t be offended. Perhaps he said something wrong or chose a rude intonation not because you are bad, but because he has a lot of problems in his personal life. It may well be that he himself is deeply vulnerable, and now he is simply defending himself.

Don’t think that others are deliberately trying to offend or hook you. They have their own reasons for this behavior, and you have absolutely nothing to do with it.

What is hypersensitivity

hypersensitivity
is different from the sensitivity that occurs in other conditions—for example, in people with PTSD, other mental disorders, or during age-related crises. It is a feature of the nervous system (not a disorder) that is present from birth, is permanent, and affects all areas of a person's life.

Most often, hypersensitivity first appears during school: such children are more thoughtful, slower and observe for a long time before acting - and never vice versa. Impulsiveness is not their nature.

In 1997, psychologist Elaine Aron developed a questionnaire to determine sensitivity, but she herself noted that this was not enough for an accurate diagnosis. Therefore, the DOES method later appeared, including the following criteria:

D (depth of processing)

— depth of information processing;

O (overstimulation)

- hyperstimulation, easy achievement of overexcitation;

E (emotional intensity)

— intensity of emotional reactions, including expressed empathy;

S (sensory sensitivity)

- sensory sensitivity, sensitivity to the nuances of the environment, including subtle ones.

In her book Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron argues that all four factors must be present in a person from childhood, from birth - and cannot be the result of mental illness or trauma (sexual, physical, emotional abuse). They must manifest themselves throughout life (although at some time they may be expressed to a greater extent, and at other times to a lesser extent) - only then can hypersensitivity of the nervous system be diagnosed.

If you do not have all these features and they are not congenital, then the matter is not in the specifics of your nervous system, but in something else. This is important: this is how you can distinguish high sensitivity from birth from manifestations of psychological problems or symptoms of mental disorders.

Develop self-confidence

Vulnerability arises from internal insecurity and complexes. We are touched by the words of other people because through them we perceive ourselves. For example, if a guy doesn’t compliment my new look, I, as a vulnerable person, begin to doubt my appearance.

To some extent, vulnerability is dependence on other people's opinions. If we are praised, our psyche feels good. If they say something unpleasant, she feels hurt.

What you can do to help yourself here and now:

• realize and accept your strengths and weaknesses;
• playing sports is good for health, helps to distract ourselves, makes us more beautiful and stronger;
• finding a hobby you like is a panacea for obsessive thoughts and worries;
• develop in your profession - the higher your skills, the more confident you become, at least in the field of work.

In relationships, try to assert your boundaries. For example, I ask my partner not to give me advice or say certain phrases that offend me, so as not to feel weak and defenseless. Don't allow anyone to raise their voice or speak rudely to you. Without a constant irritant nearby, it will be easier for you to become self-confident. In the future, you will not be so sensitive to the behavior of others towards you.

How to behave with people who have a subtle mental organization?

It is necessary to observe two main principles - understanding and correct feedback.

The first principle is fundamental. After reading this article, you already know what feelings a person with a fine mental organization experiences. You understand what traumas are hidden in the depths of his soul. And then apparent capriciousness and touchiness will no longer cause irritation in you. You will no longer accuse such a person of being overly emotional or vulnerable. You understand everything.

Photo by Barion McQueen from Pexels

The second principle is based on the ability to give correct feedback. How to criticize correctly and constructively?

• criticism should be directed at the work, not at the person who made it;
• avoid generalized words: everything, always, as usual, again, everything is bad, I didn’t like anything;
• strive for specifics;
• first talk about what you liked, then what was bad, and then again about what was good;
• speak only on your own behalf, emphasize that this is your subjective opinion;
• use a friendly tone in conversation.

By observing these principles, you will always be able to find a common language with a person of fine spiritual organization and not offend him.

A few more rules

It is important for you to change your thinking a little to make it easier to communicate with your environment. Remember these useful points, you can even write them down and save them, re-reading them from time to time. This will help you get out of endless thoughts about how others treat you.

1. Remember that you will not become less smart, beautiful, good just because the other person does not recognize it or does not notice it.
2. Remind yourself in vulnerable moments of situations where you did well. They responded wittily to a joke, performed well at a meeting, turned some guy's head. Don't look for approval from others - give it to yourself.
3. Understand that you are not the center of the universe of those around you. Everyone lives their own life. They treat you a certain way because of their personal problems, not your “flaws.”
4. Think only about yourself, become a little selfish. Make yourself happy, pamper yourself, do what you want, and don’t expect it from other people.
5. Stop escalating a situation that hurts you. For example, if the guy you like shows his disinterest, don't look for the reason in yourself. Don't think you did anything wrong for this guy to tell his friends or family about you. As soon as you start thinking about it, immediately stop yourself and switch your attention.

Imagine that it is not you who are in an unpleasant situation, but your friend or relative. How would you support him if he were in your place? Do this for yourself, as for a loved one.

What to do if you have a delicate mental organization

Steps that will help you:

• self-acceptance;
• development of critical thinking;
• self love.

First, accept yourself for who you are. A subtle mental organization is neither good nor bad. This is fine. Don't judge yourself for it, but don't justify all your problems with it either. Understand yourself. Accept yourself and talk to yourself.

Secondly, it is necessary to develop critical thinking. But at the same time, stop engaging in self-criticism. Knowing about your subtle mental organization, about your childhood traumas, if you find yourself in a situation where you feel offended, anxious, hurt, stop for a moment.

Photo by Anete Lusina: Pexels

Stop and ask yourself a question: do they really want to offend me? Am I being rejected? Don't they love me? Or is it that little girl in me who was so afraid when she was scolded? Try to look at the situation from the outside.

Switch places with another person. Look at yourself through his eyes. Does he want you harm? Does he treat you badly? Does the fact that you made a mistake make you bad, unloved or untalented? If such a girl came to you, how would you talk to her?

Thirdly, you need to take the most difficult and most important step - to love yourself. Accept yourself, praise, take care of yourself. Turn off your inner critic and work on improving your self-esteem. When you learn to love yourself, you will close the urgent need for self-acceptance and stop being afraid of loneliness.

Taboo for vulnerable people

There are things you shouldn't do because they only make your feelings worse.

Never mentally respond to hurtful words. And generally don’t think about a situation in which you felt awkward. By doing this, you strengthen negative experiences in your mind and earn fears.

Don't try to take revenge on someone who made you worry. Firstly, that person did not necessarily wish you harm; you could have thought of the problem yourself. Secondly, if you turn into an aggressor in order to repay the offender, you will feel guilty afterwards. Highly sensitive people like you have a very difficult time dealing with conflicts and arguments.

But most importantly, don't try to conform to someone else in order to gain their approval. Change only for your own sake. If you catch an ambiguous look on yourself, do not try to find what is wrong with your appearance or behavior and change them.

Literature on the topic “Psychological characteristics of the main types of temperament” for coursework

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How not to take everything to heart