Victim syndrome in psychology

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Surely everyone has met those who constantly face many problems - from minor failures to serious misfortunes. Such people constantly talk about the troubles that haunt them every day - they look for support, as if saying: “Look how unlucky I am, have pity on me!” This pattern of behavior is called victim syndrome . Victim syndrome in psychology is understood as a state of a person in which he looks for those to blame for his failures, justifying himself and blaming others for mistreatment.

A person who has chosen the position of a victim is firmly convinced that no matter what work he takes on, nothing good will come of it. You want to convince him, to prove that he will succeed, that the main thing is to believe in himself, but any statements run into a stone wall. He is not confident in his abilities and is not able to make decisions on his own. He is happy to shift responsibility to another person. This transfer of responsibility helps avoid having to make choices. It seems like he has given up on being happy forever.

He explains quite logically why this happened. He proves to everyone and himself that he is simply doomed to suffer, that nothing can be fixed. Gradually, he develops a similar social circle. There are people around him who use him or try to convince him. The efforts of both the first and the second only strengthen the confidence in the doom of torment and suffering. A vicious circle is formed. This is how the psychological position of the victim is formed.

Have you ever wondered why most people periodically or constantly play the role of the Victim? On the one hand, there is nothing good about this role. The victim suffers, suffers, is afraid, is humiliated, offended, pleases others, grovels, submits, complains, periodically rebels, but is always in a dependent position on someone or something.

The victim unconsciously and involuntarily attracts tyrants and tormentors to himself, without wanting it. There is always a tyrant or tormentor next to the Victim. Just as the Victim always appears next to the tyrant and tormentor.

The victim unknowingly provokes others to behave in this way towards him. The other person may not realize that he is tyrannizing the Victim, and may not want it. But he does it that way. There is little awareness in such relationships. Not only people, but also life circumstances and illness can act as a tormentor. A person in the role of a Victim subconsciously attracts problems, troubles and illnesses to himself, and even unconsciously creates them himself.

A victim is a person who is subjected to: ♦ Physical violence (murder, beating, incest, sexual violence). ♦ Moral violence (humiliation, suppression, rejection, ignoring, boycott, bullying, threats, blackmail). ♦ Energy effects (damage, evil eye, vampirism). ♦ Manipulative influence (blackmail, manipulation). ♦ And other influences (robbery, betrayal, deception, treason).

So, on the one hand, it would seem that there are only disadvantages in the role of the Victim. But on the other hand, being a Victim is very profitable. These benefits, of course, are not realized by a person; they are hidden from him. But if you think about it, you can detect them. For example, one of the common benefits is to receive a portion of pity from loved ones, or, at worst, to feel sorry for yourself.

People in the role of Victim perceive love as pity, and pity for them is the equivalent of love. Therefore, when the Victim wants to receive love from loved ones and relatives, she unconsciously seeks to arouse pity for herself. And she doesn’t know how to receive love any other way. And when the Victim feels sorry for himself, this is tantamount to showing care and love for himself. Another common benefit of Sacrifice is to receive gratitude, recognition, to feel needed, necessary, irreplaceable and even holy.

Types of victims

People in the role of Victim try to deserve and earn love and approval, choosing different ways to do this. All these methods are losing and destructive for relationships and the person playing the role of the Victim. All of them lead to unhappiness, disappointment and severe suffering, since love cannot be earned or earned, begged or begged. I will give several frequently encountered varieties of the role of the Victim, depending on the method of receiving love. Of course, this is not the entire list.

Complaints about life, health, government

This is a “classic of the genre”. As soon as you notice that you are complaining, realize that the victim is speaking in you. Ask yourself: What have I NOT done for myself or don’t want to do to improve my condition? Dissatisfied with government decisions - What can I do in the current conditions? How can I use these circumstances to my advantage?

State of insignificance (I am not worthy, I am “small”)

The state of insignificance fetters, drives into frameworks that limit everything. At this moment, you believe that you really are not worthy of anything good, and you compare yourself with others to a disadvantage. Remember that your spiritual guides, angels, and your entire family are behind you. They are already with you all the time, but at such moments you especially need their support. Try to feel their presence or imagine that they are standing next to you right now, hugging you, enveloping you in the divine energy of love. No matter what happens, they are there. Just don't forget about it.

One more trick. Imagine that you have a beautiful golden crown studded with precious stones on your head. Walk with this feeling, especially in those moments when you feel insecure. The state of insignificance will be replaced by awareness of one's own dignity. The queen cannot be insignificant and unworthy.

Hostile attitude towards the world

A person sees enemies in everyone and is in tension because he is constantly waiting for an attack. This consumes a huge amount of energy. For some people, this behavior becomes a habit and becomes a way of life. If this is not stopped, a person risks his resource, health and well-being.

Concentrate on your heart and imagine a smile there. Hold it for a while. Practice when you are alone, and then go out in public with the awareness of that smile. If you regularly practice this practice, you will feel relaxed, hostility on your part will go away, and you will notice that people have become more favorable towards you.

Judging yourself and others

When you judge someone or yourself, you move from vertical to horizontal. You are setting yourself back in your development. Judging others is easier than getting up and doing something positive for yourself. If you find yourself judging yourself, stop and think about why you are judging yourself, what problem you are running from. Your favorite leisure activity is washing bones of everyone.

You are extremely appreciative of the bad people who appear in your life - that is why they stick to you as if you were smeared with butter. You experience puppyish delight when someone in your circle finally makes a mistake or simply acts horribly. Then your holiday begins! You enjoy discussing this person's weaknesses all day long. And if he also hurt you with his behavior...

Powerlessness (I can’t do anything, everything is useless, I don’t have enough strength)

Powerlessness can be expressed both as despair and as an outburst of aggression. Outbursts of anger when you lash out at your loved ones are due to powerlessness. Because you don’t see a way out of the current situation. This is the state of the victim. Remember that you always have a resource to solve the issue that torments you.

You have reached the point of powerlessness only because you have been looking for a way out for a long time, clinging to the problem. If you notice that you often make excuses, look for reasons not to do what you planned, at that moment you are overcome by the consciousness of a victim. Think about what is stopping you, what are you so afraid of.

Of course, it’s much easier to stay at home and continue living at your own pace than to go out and conquer the whole world! Fr. works especially well in this case. Just beautiful! What a magic spell! After it, all responsibility immediately disappears from our shoulders, and absolutely nothing else depends on us. Also, when they start to humiliate or offend us, we behave as if we deserved it.

I am very worried

Sometimes we all like to make a big deal out of a molehill, and then walk around all day and worry about the fact that somewhere on the street there is a huge elephant of gigantic proportions roaming freely! But some people are guilty of this hobby. If you are constantly nervous about something, constantly thinking of something to worry about tonight, this is not the case.

I'm not worthy of true love

The cycle of love is spinning all around... People get together and experience separation, give birth to children, and then share them, and so on... And at this time we dream about the main character of our favorite series, devoting him every free evening and generally a minute. After all, in the real world there will definitely not be a person who will be able to truly love us. After all, we are unworthy of love! Why then waste time and wait for a miracle? All of these thoughts are common among people who take on the role of victim. And all these thoughts, by the way, need to be driven to hell! In general, everything that devalues you in this life should be deported from your space. Once and for all.

Everyone around is perfect, but I’m bad

For some reason, you never thought that you had strong qualities. This very thought basically disgusts you. The computer starts to freeze: “How is it that I have good sides? Pros? No, just look at Vasya - he really has good sides! He can do this and that. And Elena? Yes, she can do anything at all. What am I..." This is how any conversation you have usually ends. Naturally, after this your mood drops below zero, and the desire to live seems to disappear. Of course, instead of thinking soberly, you simply fall into sad hibernation.

The role of the victim - everything is terrible

“Victims” condemn the one who causes their misfortunes; in fact, they do not at all strive to change the situation in any way, since they are quite comfortable in it, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Unfortunately, victim syndrome concerns not only criminals and victims - it is much more common in everyday, especially family relationships.

For example, a tyrant husband insults and beats his wife, who, in turn, complains day after day about her difficult fate to her friends, savoring the details of the next quarrel and lamenting: “It’s impossible to live with this monster!” Everyone understands that the best solution would be to leave this man and stop being in the role of a victim. Only a woman doesn't do this. The reason is simple - she is comfortable in this state

. The current situation is a comfort zone for this lady. Therefore, in fact, she is not looking for a way to solve the problem, but is waiting for someone to sympathize with her, take pity on her, and help her (if only because it is inconvenient for many to refuse the poor thing).

You seem to be a little colorblind. But not in the usual meaning of the word. You just see everything in black and white, and even more often – just black. You have long forgotten what positive experiences are. When was the last time you laughed sincerely? When the plague epidemic began in the seventeenth century, and you “said that life was unfair and terrible”? Exactly. Just don’t think that this characterizes you as a strong person. This is a typical sign of a victim

Submissive Victim

The submissive Victim lives by other people's rules, in the interests of other people, does not have his own opinion or even the right to an opinion. She agrees to put herself in last place and voluntarily dissolves in other people; for her this is a manifestation of love. Next to her, as a rule, is a tyrant and tormentor. The submissive Victim does not realize that he is a Victim; it seems to her that this is how it should be. This was the custom in her family, in her parental family, for her such life is the norm.

Such a person strives to earn love through obedience, patience and submission. But this is precisely what pushes other people away from him. Over time, such a Victim begins to be despised and neglected.

Pleaser/Pleasant

A person strives to earn love and approval, recognition and gratitude, by being helpful, pleasing others, to the detriment of his own interests. It seems to him that the more he loves the other, flatters and pleases him, the better their relationship will be. This is what happens at first.

But the more one pleases, the more impudent the other becomes and sits very comfortably “on the neck of the pleaser.” The saint expects at least gratitude from his loved ones, but his loved ones take everything for granted. Over time, the sacrificial position of the pleaser and the tyranny of the tyrant intensify, and the situation worsens. It is impossible to get love through pleasing.

Hard worker

This person strives to earn love and approval by working hard. He can work hard at work or only at home (in the role of a downtrodden housewife), or in two shifts at work and at home.

At first, the workaholic is full of enthusiasm. But sooner or later a person “burns out”, becomes energetically devastated and gets sick, that is, turns into a Victim. He constantly expects gratitude and recognition of his merits from other people, but his relatives do not appreciate the workaholic and do not feel any gratitude towards him. On the contrary, they would like the workaholic to stop working so much and finally start spending time with them.

Poor guy

This Victim seeks to earn love by arousing pity for himself. Such a person may be “perpetually sick,” “perpetually drunk,” “perpetually poor,” “perpetually unlucky in love,” or “perpetually a loser.” Remember “She loved him for his torment, and he loved her for her compassion for them”? In Russia, love has long been associated with pity. When they said: “I feel sorry for him,” they meant “I love him.” But pity is actually not love, but hidden aggression. This is the kind of “surrogate for love” that Poor Guy receives.

Victim – 33 misfortunes

Such a person constantly gets into various troubles: accidents, accidents, and every now and then he finds himself a victim of robbery or violence. He constantly gets injured when he falls out of the blue. Something always happens to him. “He’s just in trouble!” With all these situations, he attracts pity and attention to himself, that is, love.

Scapegoat

No matter what happens, and no matter who is actually to blame, the “scapegoat” is always punished. He is always to blame for everything. It is very convenient for others to “attribute” the causes of their problems to a “scapegoat”. And the “scapegoat,” taking upon himself the sins of others, feels his need and need.

A deeply loving victim

This person has his own way of earning love - through suffering and the power of his love. It seems to him that if he loves another person very, very deeply, with torment and suffering, he will be able to awaken love in the other. This is again a road to nowhere. The more such a person loves and suffers, the more disrespect, and then contempt, the beloved experiences for him. Such a Victim suffers from love addiction.

Holy Martyr/Martyr

This noble Victim devotes his life to loved ones, relatives, family, and actually sacrifices himself. She doesn't please, she doesn't humiliate. Quite the opposite: she is full of dignity and proudly bears her destiny. Her loved ones “sit on her neck,” but she does not complain, she endures all adversity steadfastly, silently and patiently. Next to such a Victim there are always “goats” who use her and, of course, do not appreciate her. The Holy Martyr earns love through martyrdom in the name of family, children, husband/wife, sick relatives, through feeling needed, useful and necessary (“they won’t survive without him”).

Helpless Victim

In contrast to the “holy martyr,” the helpless victim “gives up” at the first difficulties. She lives with attitudes: “I can’t do anything”, “I’m afraid”, “I don’t know how”, “I don’t know how”, “I can’t do anything”, “I’ll never succeed”, “from I won’t be of any use.” This is how “learned helplessness syndrome” manifests itself, which is formed in childhood up to 8 years. It is not innate. The parents themselves unconsciously teach it to their child, doing and deciding everything for him. The helpless Victim wins love with his helplessness and weakness.

Excellent student/Excellent student

This Victim, on the contrary, knows and can do everything, and not just how, but “excellently.” As a child, the Excellent Girl won love with “A” grades, and then by trying to do everything she did perfectly. An excellent student is a perfectionist and strives for perfection: she is an ideal housewife, an ideal mother, an ideal wife, an ideal lover, an ideal specialist, an ideal employee. But for some reason I’m always tired, irritated and completely exhausted. This is how the Excellence complex manifests itself. An excellent student is a victim of himself, he voluntarily “puts everyone on his neck,” but he rapes himself and destroys himself.

Always the guilty victim. I made a mistake and I will never be able to make up for it

This Victim has a guilt complex. Such a person chronically experiences feelings of guilt for any reason. And this guilt is often contrived by himself. A person may blame himself for the death of someone close to him, for the fact that his loved ones are sick or experiencing problems. Well, since he is guilty, then he must be punished. And a person subconsciously strives for punishment in the form of illness, trouble, problems. Sometimes he mentally says to himself: “That’s what I need. It’s my own fault!” or “That’s what I need, I don’t deserve anything good.”

Let’s say a woman can blame herself for her mother’s illness (“I got on her nerves”) and for her child’s illness (“the child is responsible for my sins”), for her husband’s infidelity (“I’m a bad wife”) and subconsciously punish herself by getting sick, getting injured, suffering. This person takes full responsibility for everything and everyone upon himself. And often takes on someone else's responsibility.

Small fry with ambition

criticizes and blames for her troubles and misfortunes “The wife of an alcoholic can nag her husband for years for a ruined life instead of figuring out why, firstly, she agreed to marry an alcoholic, and secondly, why she has not yet divorced or moved away. An employee who vegetates in a low position criticizes his boss behind his back instead of talking directly about the possibility of promotion and salary increases,” reluctance to notice, adequately evaluate, and even more so, appreciate positive qualities “Let’s say a man earns modestly, but helps with household chores, devotes a lot of time to children. A woman with victim syndrome will constantly criticize her husband for being a “poor” because he does not provide high income. The thought that he invests in the family as much as he can and deserves gratitude doesn’t even cross her mind,”

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does not separate other people’s emotions from her own “If her husband comes in in the evening in a bad mood, a woman with weak emotional differentiation immediately decides that the reason is her (“It’s because I look bad and I didn’t like my dinner.” ). But in fact, he has troubles at work or a part has broken in his car, for which he will have to shell out half his salary,” “Only those who deep down feel like the navel of the earth (egocentrics) can consider themselves the main cause of other people’s grief. Among people with victim syndrome there are many such people, and this is only surprising at first glance,”

What is the benefit for the victim?

Today, many adults find it profitable and convenient to live this way. The victim position always provides a number of advantages: it helps to manipulate other people’s feelings of guilt; helps not to do anything on your own, shifting responsibility to others. In principle, this position is no worse than other roles that we play in life. But it has one specific feature - it gives rise to a feeling of powerlessness, worthlessness, and, as a result, hatred and envy of others.

The victim position in a relationship provides a number of psychological benefits. As a rule, a woman plays this role; she derives certain benefits from this position: she receives the attention of others, sympathy, support, and help. And no one demands anything from her in return. To leave this role means to lose help, support, and pity, and therefore she again and again chooses the position of the victim. A person who is pitied by society is forgiven and allowed a lot. The victim does not need to strive for anything. She is forgiven for her mistakes at work because she has problems at home, and at home they forgive her for missing dinner. She does what she wants, and she has no obligations to anyone. That is, the role of the victim has its own psychological “advantages”. Therefore, it is very difficult to get out of this psychological game.

Victims are great manipulators. It would seem to be a common story - a mother forces her son to do what she needs: “I didn’t sleep at night for you, but you don’t love me! You don’t need me at all!” She is a victim, her goal is to cause a feeling of shame, to appeal to conscience, making her son a tyrant. Surely, everyone can remember similar stories when similar feelings forced them to do for others what was inconvenient and/or unnecessary.

Plus, numerous problems are a great excuse

for all occasions.
As a rule, the speech of people susceptible to victim syndrome is structured according to the model: “I have a bad job because I didn’t get an education, because ...” (insert the desired reason), or “I don’t have time to think about my personal life, since I have ...”, or “I would have achieved everything if not for...”. Shifting responsibility for one's failures
onto others is a characteristic feature of victims and a very convenient position.

What you need to do to behave like an adult

The victim's position leads to the fact that a person cannot manage his own life. Psychologist Wayne Dyer believes that in order to get out of the role of a victim, two recommendations should be followed:

Believe in your importance in this world and defend it in every possible way, never allow anyone to belittle or challenge your importance, never put yourself below others.
Start behaving like a strong, purposeful person. You should start working on yourself and develop the habits of independent, free, strong people. Get rid of self-flagellation and complaints. Do not expect gifts from fate, always rely only on yourself and your strengths.

In order to get rid of the victim role once and for all, you need to become the master of your life.

A sense of self-worth, confidence, and independence are the basis for the behavior of a strong and free person.

Reasons for the role of the Victim

They become acquainted with the role of the Victim in childhood, try it on themselves in preschool age, and rehearse it in every possible way at school. Its main reason is authoritarian upbringing. It is formed when: ♦ The child is beaten or severely punished ♦ Rejected or betrayed ♦ Humiliated, criticized ♦ Or, conversely, overly patronized and pitied (“my poor thing”) As a result, the child gets used to the role of “poor and unfortunate” in adulthood subconsciously receives love from other people, causing them pity and sympathy. ♦ In all these cases, the child experiences a lack of love from his parents. After all, if parents take care of him, then only when they consider it necessary, and in the way they consider necessary. ♦ And the child strives to deserve or earn love in different ways: helpfulness, helplessness, irreplaceability, pity, work, labor, “A” marks, negative behavior.

Often the role of the Victim is passed down from generation to generation. So, if a girl’s grandmother and mother played the role of the Victim, the girl also automatically falls into this role.

External and internal

Working in the clinic, our psychologist often has to deal with precisely this kind of psychological characteristics that aggravate the patient’s physical well-being. According to her, the difference is very noticeable when a person is committed to recovery and is ready to take responsibility for his life, health and relationships. And vice versa, when a person relies only on doctors, medicines or even shamans. According to the specialist’s observations, the difference in the dynamics of recovery is significant.

Alena told us about two cases from practice that clearly show the difference between the two types of people described above.

Patient No. 1, 67 years old, lives with her husband, has children and grandchildren. Contact with children is good.

Dialogue with a psychologist:

— Are you satisfied with your life in general?

- Of course not. Where will you be happy? I'm all sick, a whole bouquet. I can’t sleep, I also got a talkative neighbor. Medicines are expensive. You won't be able to see doctors.

— Do you feel mostly satisfied?

- Of course not. Would I be in the hospital then if everything was fine with me?

Patient No. 2, 84 years old, lives with her student grandson.

— Are you satisfied with your life in general?

- Yes, I’m happy. I believe that I have done everything in this life. I have a wonderful grandson and good children. Every day I am glad that I live.

— Do you feel mostly satisfied?

- Of course, I’m satisfied! I have everything. I don’t take much for myself now, and I don’t need it. The main thing is that everything is fine with the children. I live the way I want.

These excerpts from the conversation clearly show the personal orientation of these women: external in the first case, internal in the second.

Psychology of the victim

Let's now look at what the psychology of the victim is. The usual state of the Victim is suffering . A person constantly or periodically suffers, is dissatisfied with something, is not satisfied with something, that is, he constantly feels bad. But from this state he “draws” pleasure and satisfaction. Otherwise, he does not know how to receive pleasure and joy.

The main component of the Victim role is helplessness . A person can be active and energetic in ordinary situations, but feel helpless in the face of any difficulties. Even an Excellent student can do everything “on his own” and not only can it, but “excellently”, but he is helpless and does not see a way out, how he can change the situation, as differently as possible. It happens that “he understands with his head”, but cannot change anything.

The next component is hopelessness . The victim does not see a way out of the unpleasant situation and his position as a Victim. And he doesn’t believe that it’s possible to get out of it. She feels powerless. She has no strength, no energy and time, she feels constant fatigue. And she does not have the strength to cope with the situation, to change it. The victim takes a position of irresponsibility, but at the same time tends to take on someone else's responsibility. She believes that nothing depends on her. A person in the role of Victim is dependent on other people and circumstances. He is controlled and manipulated, but he has no influence on anything. All his problems are always someone else's fault, and he has nothing to do with it. The victim blames others for her problems - they make her suffer, they tyrannize her, they do not help her. And so she gets offended and angry at others, as well as herself.

But at the same time, some Victims unknowingly take responsibility for others (husband, children, mother, colleagues). That is, they shift responsibility for their lives onto others, and take responsibility for others themselves. This is the kind of confusion they have with responsibility. For example, a woman may take responsibility for the health of her parents, but not see her responsibility for her own health. She may feel responsible for her son’s studies, but not take responsibility for her failures in her personal life (“I’m unlucky,” “this is fate,” “there are no good men”).

Some Victims prefer to get sick rather than try to understand why and why they were given this disease. They will get sick, but they will never do health-improving meditations and techniques or constellations, pray or undergo unction. There are people who would rather die than forgive the offender who “ruined their life.” And at the same time they will feel like heroes and will not even realize that they have been living in the role of the Victim for a long time.

General concepts

This is how the psychological position of the victim is formed.

Victim syndrome: is it possible to get rid of it?

To help a person get rid of the victim syndrome, psychologists recommend not to sympathize or assent to pitiful speeches, but to silently listen to the interlocutor and ask specific questions, for example, “What conclusion did you draw from the situation so that it does not happen again?”, “What will you do?” further?". Theoretically, such tactics should force the individual to perceive the world more realistically and take responsibility for his own actions. Although a more likely scenario is that your counterpart will simply stop communicating with you and find someone who will feel sorry for him.

Psychologists believe that a person has the opportunity to play many roles throughout his life - in the profession, in relationships, in the everyday sphere. The opposite role to the victim is the role of a happy free person - the creator and master of his life. To become such a person, you need to stop feeling and perceiving yourself as a victim, change internally and become the master of your destiny.

How to get rid of the victim position?

Getting out of the role of a victim and becoming a happy person is a long and difficult process, but everyone has this opportunity. If a person understands that he no longer wants to play the role of a victim and wants to change his life position forever, but feels that his own strength is not enough for this, he should consult a psychologist.

In addition to professional help, the following rules must be observed:

♦ Learn to control your emotions and experiences. ♦ Learn to overcome difficulties on your own without the help of others. ♦ Surround yourself with cheerful, positive, successful people.

Ways to overcome

How to get rid of the victim position in psychology? How to overcome the desire to play the role of a victim from a psychological point of view?

First of all, you should shift your attention from external causes of failure inward. This is the only way to understand what fears and limitations prevent you from living a full life.
You need to start working on yourself, try to overcome negative attitudes on your own.
Determine for yourself what exactly success in life consists of. Believe in yourself, be positive.
Strive in every possible way for self-realization in society, career, relationships.

Emotional Freedom Technique

One way to get out of the victim position is the “Emotional Freedom Technique” developed by Harry Craig. This is a direct impact technique, it is very simple and easy to learn. Its essence lies in the fact that once again, when a person remembers a negative event, a traumatic situation, he needs to lightly press several times with his fingers on certain points on the body, which are points of energy flows. In most cases, this method reduces fears and negative emotions. You can learn how to correctly perform the Emotional Freedom Technique by watching the video.

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Surrendering to fear

fears
can keep a person in a victim position : fear of making decisions, fear of making a mistake, fear of not meeting a new partner, fear of worsening one’s financial situation, and others.
“If fear is stronger than discomfort, many people continue to endure the inconvenience,”
the specialist notes.

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Rapunzel

A girl with very long hair lives in a high tower (almost 18 years old) and is waiting for someone to save her. I don’t understand what prevented the girl from tying her own braid to a hook on the wall (and it was there!) and going down (like climbers going down a rope)?

The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: solving problems on your own is difficult or even impossible. You have to sit in a tower and wait 16-18 years until someone jumps up and evacuates you from dangerous territory.

My experience

To get rid of the victim complex, I used the same plan that we discussed. It was difficult at the very beginning, but with each week and month it became easier. At first I had to force myself, fight fears, guilt, complexes and other problems. It was especially difficult to learn to take risks, try, give up stability in favor of potentially better things. It was also not easy to change my social circle, but without this change would not have been possible.

I recommend that you make your own list of specific problems that you have to deal with. And work through each element step by step.

Snow White

After the death of her mother and father, her witch stepmother tries to kill Snow White. The princess flees. Instead of going to people and asking for help (at a minimum) or raising a rebellion against the witch (don’t forget that Snow White was the heir to the throne), the princess prefers to hide in a forest house and live there with seven strange men of very short stature. When a disgusting old woman (a witch) comes to Snow White’s house, she opens the door for her and invites her into the house (where is the logic in that?). After suffering from food poisoning, Snow White falls into a coma and lies in a glass coffin, waiting for the prince to save her.

Author's notes: And I'm thinking, why couldn't you tell grandma “NO” and not eat the apple?

The child’s conclusions after reading this fairy tale: you need to endure insults and suffer. You need to do this long enough, and then they will certainly take pity on you, and then they will definitely save you.

Cinderella

Cinderella, despite the fact that she is the legal heir of all property, endures bullying from her stepmother (victim behavior). When the stepmother rudely refuses Cinderella's request to go to the ball, she runs into an abandoned garden and cries bitterly (victim behavior again).

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical fairy appears, gives Cinderella a dress, shoes and a carriage, and sends her to the ball. Cinderella meets the prince.

The prince falls in love with Cinderella at first sight! The girl has a unique chance to become a princess. But she prefers to run away again into slavery to her stepmother, because (attention!) she is afraid that the prince will not like her old dress. What stopped you from telling the prince that it would be uncomfortable to dance in the dress the fairy gave him (or spill wine on the dress)? What stopped you from asking the prince for a new dress? What prevented you from going and calmly changing clothes (and doing it BEFORE 12-00)?

The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: you need to endure, no matter how much they bully you, only then will you be good. You cannot say “NO” and defend personal boundaries. You need to live your dream and wait for the prince to save you.

Classification

People who become victims are divided into the following types:

victims of sexual violence;
women suffering from domestic terror at the hands of their husbands;
innocent children who become targets of violence due to their unwillingness to stand up for themselves;
persons suffering from bullying by narcissistic individuals;
people suffering from Stockholm syndrome (who acquit criminals);
individuals provoking the attack;
imaginary victims (persons with a mental disorder who attribute to themselves the qualities of sufferers).

Which categories of the population may become victims:

children - they are weak, gullible, do not have enough experience and knowledge;
women - their physical characteristics are inferior to men’s;
old people - their state of health does not allow them to repel attacks;
mentally ill people;
representatives of minorities, immigrants.

Cheburashka

“Suddenly a wizard will fly in in a blue helicopter and show a movie for free. He’ll wish me a happy birthday and probably leave me five hundred popsicles as a gift.”

Question: what stopped you from buying ice cream yourself? What stopped you from going to the movies? Of course, 500 popsicles can cause diarrhea, but at least one popsicle could be bought without a wizard? No! Everyone is waiting for happiness to fall on them.

Here's another example about a birthday.

Scarlet Sails

One girl, aged 8, was told that one day a prince would come for her on a ship with scarlet sails and take her to a distant country. The girl walks along the shore for years, waiting for a miracle. In the village no one likes her and they even consider her crazy.

What prevented the girl from going to another country on her own and finding a prince there? But no, it’s better to stomp along the shore and wait for years for HE to land “in scarlet shorts, on scarlet sails.”

Do you find it funny? Me too. What conclusions should the child draw after this? You will say that this is only in foreign literature. Nothing like this! Ours is even worse! Read Russian fairy tales: “In the dungeon, the princess is grieving. And the brown wolf serves her faithfully.” The absence of any action regarding your life is welcome!