Accidental betrayal of a loving wife does not happen rarely in modern realities. Even a loving couple is not immune from cheating. Such are the paradoxes of human psychology.
Usually, men still cheat. Then, if the wife finds out that her husband is unfaithful to her, he only hangs his head dejectedly - they say, he won’t cut a guilty head with a sword - or sighs, silently begging for forgiveness, or throws up his hands, or makes excuses.
Here are typical male excuses: “He doesn’t understand how it happened,” “It was just a momentary eclipse,” “She climbed on me herself.”
But the wife can also show weakness in a certain situation and then also reproaches herself for what happened.
“The demon beguiled” is the most “reinforced concrete” argument of unfaithful spouses of both sexes, to which it is difficult to find an objection.
Most often, such situations occur in those families where both spouses or one of them have had experience of frequent premarital sexual relations. A person, be it a man or a woman, always easily agreed to sexual contact, then fell in love, got married, but the old stereotype remained.
Anecdote on the topic:
A noble English nobleman indignantly says to his wife, a former dancer:
- Yesterday I was at the opening day and saw your portrait in the nude. How do you explain this outrage?
“You have no reason to worry, sir, the artist drew me from memory.”
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife - a case study
Natasha, a sociable, cheerful woman, married for love. Men have always liked her. Previously, she had many love affairs, to which she did not attach much importance. She had long-term relationships with some lovers, short-term ones with others. Natasha easily got together and easily, without strain, parted.
She immediately developed a serious relationship with Valery. “As soon as I saw it, I immediately realized: this is mine,” she says. “This is the man I need.”
Valery is reliable, strong, self-confident. These qualities attracted many women to him, but he did not indulge in romance. Once upon a time there was a woman in his life whom he loved. They lived together for three years. Then she seduced his best friend, and Valery left her that same day. He is a talented mathematician. Passionate about his work: “Mathematics is my lifelong lover, it will never change me.”
Natasha conquered him on the first evening. She is cheerful, witty, sociable. Doesn't like to get stuck in problems and doesn't like to create them. Valery felt comfortable with her, joked that his favorite mathematics was true to him, but he cheated on her with Natasha.
Natasha knew about Valery’s long-standing unsuccessful romance and drew the right conclusions for herself. Yes, she had no intention of cheating on him. She loved and respected him. Compared to Valery, all her former fans were significantly inferior.
They lived in perfect harmony for 5 years, they have two children. Natasha did not want any other fate for herself. Although Valery was silent and could not stand “tinsel,” as he called all the romantic bells and whistles that Natasha used to love so much, but now it did not bother her. “What happened is past, all these are the mistakes of youth,” she told her friends when they joked about what a faithful wife the flighty Natasha had become.
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife at a party
One day they had a party at work. One of the young employees named Sasha, who came to them recently, did not leave Natasha’s side all evening. He showered him with compliments and openly framed himself. And she, yearning for male attention, accepted his advances with pleasure. Light intoxication, an atmosphere of general flirtation, a handsome man nearby - all this played a role. Natasha, the true daughter of the ancestress Eve, also did not escape temptation. And so the accidental betrayal of a loving wife happened.
She did not suffer from remorse afterwards. Natasha is generally an easy-going person by nature. “What happened, happened,” she told herself and decided to live as if nothing had happened.
But her casual lover, with whom she had no intention of maintaining a relationship, did not want to give up. He liked Natasha, and besides, his male pride took over. It would be one thing if he seduced a pretty colleague, gratified his vanity and left it at that. And it’s a completely different matter when a woman whom Sasha already considered his own avoids meeting.
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife - the other side
Natasha immediately warned him that there would be no continuation: she loves her husband. And what happened between them was just a moment of weakness under alcohol fumes. But Natasha’s excuses did not satisfy him. He began to literally stalk her, calling her and demanding meetings. After work, he followed her all the way to her house and nagged that she had no right to do this to him. He is in love, and she teased him and left him.
At first, Natasha wanted to reduce everything to a joke and advised him to switch to other female colleagues who were not averse to having an affair with him. She offered to introduce him to his unmarried friend, who was probably his type. But Sasha did not want to accept her joking tone.
Over time, the one-time lover began to irritate Natasha with his importunity and unceremoniousness. At work, Sasha did not leave her desk and demanded attention to himself, and in the evenings he repeatedly called her at home, insisting that she come to him “to talk.” Natasha pulled him back more than once or twice in a sharp tone, but he was hit in the head with a crowbar. The next morning he was hanging out on the bench in front of her entrance. And Natasha, going out with her youngest daughter (her husband was taking her son), was forced to sort things out with him in front of the child. But the unlucky boyfriend did not lag behind and trailed after her all the way to the kindergarten, where Natasha took her daughter.
It's easier to have three new lovers than to get rid of the previous one!
Valery is not blind or deaf. Local gossips regularly reported to him that Natasha was again accompanied by “her little guy” and was “waiting for her in the morning.”
In the end, Valery's patience ran out and he asked his wife what was going on. He knew that men liked Natasha, a born flirt. That in any company does not remain without male attention. But before, she knew how to keep them at a distance.
In response to her husband’s direct question about why she couldn’t get rid of an annoying admirer, Natasha hesitated, made excuses, and then admitted: “Once we had a drunken affair with him...”
In response, the husband began to silently collect his things. Natasha clung to him, cried and swore that this was the first and last time. But he concentrated on packing his bag. Without forgetting a single detail, Valery put the keys to their apartment on the table in the hallway and left.
Natasha tried to commit suicide, then was treated for depression. She sought reconciliation with her husband, but he avoided meetings. He never returned to Natasha.
The more harmonious the relationship in marriage was, the more crushing the blow for the spouse who learned about his half’s betrayal. Accidental betrayal of a loving wife can occur during the best period of their relationship or during a disagreement.
Other signs of cheating
Pay attention to your wife's behavior if you begin to notice some strange things and suspect her of cheating. In addition to panties, which can be purchased to wear not before having sex with you, but to leave the house, the wife may begin to exhibit some strange behavior, which can be attributed to other signs of infidelity:
- Passion for losing weight. My wife suddenly started watching her weight. Moreover, she not only fights him, but gradually and systematically achieves results. Of course, it’s good that the wife decided to become beautiful and young. However, it’s bad if all these efforts are not made for your sake.
- Passion for stripplasty. To interest and somehow diversify her sex life, a woman can start doing stripplasty. However, you notice that she has never danced sexy for you. The question is, why should a woman learn to dance if she does not put her skills into practice? Perhaps because she is dancing not in front of her husband, but in front of her lover.
- Expensive purchases. Quite often, husbands are not at all interested in women's things: cosmetics, underwear and even clothes. But in vain. A woman who earns little and lives with a husband who is not able to give her expensive gifts can update her wardrobe, replenish the number of jewelry, perfumes and cosmetics with gifts from her lover. As long as you are not interested in what your wife uses, she can easily receive expensive gifts from her lover, without worrying about the fact that you might notice it and start asking her questions.
- Lack of sex. Surely you couldn’t notice that there was no sex between you. However, even if it exists, then it has become somehow boring, uninteresting or, on the contrary, too varied and playful.
- Good mood. Pay attention to what mood your wife is in when she spends a long time in your company. You sit at home or go somewhere - how happy is she? Now notice how she leaves home when she says she’s going to see her friends or has to stay late at work, and what mood she comes in with when she’s been working for a long time or helping her relatives around the house. Signs of happiness on your face should alert you when your wife allegedly did hard physical labor, worked for a long time, solved some problems, etc.
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife can also be under the influence of tragic circumstances
Anya, my patient, lost her only son. In front of her eyes, he was hit by a car. Doctors were unable to save him. She walked out of the hospital, not seeing anything in front of her. There was emptiness in my soul, everything around me was dead. I didn’t want to go home - everything there reminded me of my son. And I didn’t want to see my husband. I didn’t want to hear words of sympathy and consolation from my family and friends.
To escape the rain, Anya went into a cafe and sat down at a table, mindlessly looking at one point. An unfamiliar man sat down next to her and spoke to her. She was silent, his words reaching her with difficulty. He offered to drink, Anya nodded. Then he invited her to his home, she nodded again and followed him.
Anya spent five days with a stranger. During this time they hardly spoke. During intimacy, Anya felt nothing, did not realize where she was. She didn't even know the name of the owner of the house.
Her husband Evgeniy has turned gray in these days. Deciding that the wife had committed suicide out of grief. He called all the hospitals and visited all the city morgues. There was a funeral coming up, and two misfortunes befell him at once - his son died, his beloved wife disappeared. She wasn't even at her son's funeral.
Returning home, Anya did not answer her husband’s questions for almost a month. She was silent, looking at one point, or lay awake, looking at the ceiling. I didn’t eat, didn’t comb my hair, didn’t wash my face. Then I told my husband everything I could remember. His despair knew no bounds. "How could you! - he shouted. “We have such grief, and you gave yourself to the first person you met!” I loved you, and you stooped to the level of a whore!” Anya couldn’t even object to him. How can I explain my condition to my husband - she didn’t care?! She didn’t even look for oblivion in a casual relationship that meant nothing to her. Anya herself did not understand how this happened. She was always a loving, faithful wife, a good mother.
Her husband was never able to forgive her. And not only for treason, but also for the fact that everything happened at such a tragic moment.
“I don’t know what to expect from you now,” he told her goodbye. Either you are insensitive, or you have been disguised all these years. I will never be able to treat you the same way. Even if twenty years pass, I won’t be able to forgive you for this.”
What did you need to understand?
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife a reason for divorce? Of course, we are not immune from the danger of experiencing disappointment in a loved one. It can be caused by his qualities, views and actions that we never expected to encounter. It is difficult, if not impossible, to come to terms with them.
However, often the origins of our disappointment should be sought in ourselves. Having become convinced of the falsity or fragility of our own feelings, we do not want, however, to take responsibility for the upcoming breakup. Our task is made easier by the partner’s not always reasonable behavior, which puts him in an even more unfavorable light. As a result, the breakup becomes not a defeat for us, but almost a victory, freeing our hands and lightening our souls.
Reactive state
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife or clouding of reason? What happened to Anya is called a reactive state in psychiatric language. This is a pathological reaction to mental trauma. Reactive depression occurs in response to severe mental trauma. In particular, the death of a loved one, as in Anna’s case, or a difficult life situation. Unlike the natural reaction of grief and sadness, which any mentally healthy person can have in such a situation, the pathological reaction is characterized by excessive strength and duration.
Depression is characterized by slowing of mental processes and speech, and motor retardation. A person sits in the same position, lowering his head and shoulders, is silent or answers questions in monosyllables, walks hunched over, all movements are slow. In severe cases, so-called psychomotor retardation occurs. A person lies or sits motionless, with an expression of grief, deep melancholy or hopeless despair frozen on his face.
Consciousness is narrowed or the patient is stunned. He may answer some questions, but briefly, with a long delay, after a pause. Doesn't immediately understand the meaning of the question asked. Nothing happening around him attracts his attention. He is not able to take care of himself, does not eat, does not drink, cannot do anything. All emotional experiences reflect the mental trauma suffered. There may be ideas of self-blame - he blames himself for not saving the person close to him. He believes that he could have been saved. Thoughts about what happened are persistent, in some cases the experience reaches the level of delirium. In such cases, people say that the person’s mind has been damaged by grief.
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife - is it always her fault?
So in this case, it’s not Anya’s fault. Being in a state of stupefaction, she was poorly oriented in what was happening and was not aware of her actions. Even if Anya had committed an offense in this state, psychiatrists would have declared her insane. If her husband, instead of interrogating his wife and scenes of jealousy, had brought her to a psychiatrist, the situation would have been resolved much faster.
Reactive conditions are reversible, and under the influence of treatment, Anya’s condition returned to normal.
I managed to find her husband. I invited him to my place and explained everything to him. That it was just an accidental betrayal of a loving wife. At first, Evgeny shook his head in disbelief: “You are justifying her, doctor. Anya probably asked you about this.” Then he finally understood and believed.
Over time, things got better for them. Now they have a three-year-old son. They named him Oleg, like their dead son.
What about men and casual cheating?
Men can have as many random infidelities as they want, they don’t even consider it as infidelity. The right opportunity turned up, the woman liked him, she liked him too, and soon the natural ending comes.
It also happens that the lady didn’t really like her, but she clearly didn’t mind, and the man took advantage of the opportunity.
In any case, pangs of conscience will not burden him. On the contrary, in the company of friends he has the opportunity to boast that he will never miss his point and can seduce anyone.
Random infidelity for representatives of the stronger sex is such a frequent and even banal phenomenon that I won’t even give examples from my practice.
The next day, a man may not remember the name of his random mistress. He will remember the brand of alcoholic drink that they drank together many years later, but he is unlikely to remember the name of a random sexual partner.
A woman remembers not only the name, but also everything about her lover, even if she ended up in his bed completely by accident.
What to do when you suspect your wife of cheating
If, against the backdrop of a seemingly normal family situation, thoughts begin to creep into your head that your wife is not faithful to you, remember that it will be very difficult to bring her out into the open if she is really cheating on you.
In any case, you will have to find out the truth, but before that, follow a few simple rules:
- Calm down and try not to think about the bad, because nothing has been confirmed yet;
- Do not attack your wife with questions - wild jealousy never leads to good;
- Don't try to follow her around in hopes of tracking down her secret admirer. If you don’t trust your woman to that extent, it’s better to immediately end any relationship with her;
- Well, start paying attention to the little things. Usually the fact of betrayal is hidden on the surface, you just need to correctly recognize it, and we will tell you how later.
In 80 percent of cases, suspicions of infidelity remain just suspicions, so don’t overthink it, continue to live a calm family life, following our further instructions, and perhaps then you will be convinced that your wife loves only you and no one else.
The story of another accidental betrayal of a loving wife
I think, to clarify the picture, I should tell you a little about myself, I’m 26 years old, a seasoned lady, I’ve been married for 7 years. My family life is not very prosperous in some places. But overall, my husband and I seem to be a pretty happy couple. Friends are jealous, relatives are calm, and we ourselves don’t seem to be at war with our husband. But we no longer have the same feelings for each other. We live as friends more than as lovers, or to be more precise, we lived before my vacation trip.
Is this really the first and last time?
This question is even more important than “why did this happen?” In other words, won’t the chain of such “accidental” betrayals continue?
The answer can be both “yes” and “no”.
Sometimes men, after the “first time”, get a taste for it - they find something interesting in the very process of running “to the left” (after all, it really tickles the nerves, akin to extreme sports!), or they continue to search for the “zest” in different women, without finding it in her legal, or even “one-time” mistress becomes permanent...
Alas, this happens. Whether this will happen or not is very difficult to predict!
But the ideal option is if a man really understands that there is no need to look for anything - everything is already there (in your face!).
Trip to the resort
This happened two years ago.
I, being very tired from work and family troubles, decided to give myself a gift - a trip to a resort, Egypt or Turkey. In general, where it’s warm. I didn’t want to go alone, and my husband didn’t really share my initiative. He said that if you want to go, go, I’m not holding you back, but I won’t go myself, I’ve got enough to do. Of course, it was awkward for me to go like that, to leave him at home alone, and all sorts of suspicions began to torment me. But, nevertheless, I decided that we are both adults and are fully capable of making decisions ourselves. I decided. I'm going. All that remains is to choose with whom. The friends unanimously referred to work, the sister to the fact that there was no one to leave the child with. Candidates for a joint vacation were melting before our eyes and I was upset. But then a wonderful idea came to my mind! I think I know a person who definitely won’t refuse me. Well, of course! Why didn't I think of this before? Mother! She will definitely come with me.
Hooray! We go! Finally! My happiness knew no bounds. The four-hour flight went by unnoticed. And now Sharm El-Sheikh airport greets us with its warm embrace. Stunning weather, warm sea and excellent hotel, everything was at the highest level. There were two more weeks of unforgettable experiences ahead. My mother and I decided to spend this vacation calmly and relax as much as possible, because only routine awaited us at home.
My mother is of the old school, although she is still young. But, nevertheless, she recommended that I do without incident and be extremely attentive and not enter into any contact. By the way, I didn’t even think that this was possible. It seems that I am still young, but I have already begun to doubt that I can like someone. My husband never indulged me in compliments; my work colleagues also valued me exclusively as a specialist. They only said that my eyes were beautiful, deep, and you could look into them. But I don’t need it, eyes are like eyes, everyone seems to have them like that...
Evening at the restaurant
And so, one evening, my mother and I were sitting in a restaurant, slowly sipping one of the local cocktails, and enjoying the view of the setting sun. At that moment, it seemed to me that I was happy. I was able to forget about household chores, I thought exclusively about how I would lie on the beach tomorrow, or maybe book an excursion, or go diving.
I had a bunch of plans, but they all collapsed when I heard the phrase behind my back: “Girls, will you mind if I keep you company, so to speak?” I, immersed in my dreams, did not consider it necessary to answer the question posed, I just pulled my glasses over my eyes. This was still not enough, what impudence, we don’t need company! But mom decided otherwise. She agreed. And when the stranger sat down at the table, I was able to see him clearly.
He was handsome, about 35 years old, polished, well-groomed, quite large, with purely masculine facial features and an unusual profile that for some reason reminded me of an eagle. I couldn't say that he is handsome. But there was something completely incomprehensible about him that attracted me. He was interesting, kept us busy with conversations all evening, and my mother was interested in him.
I didn’t pay any attention to him, which seemed to make him a little angry. I answered his questions with short and caustic phrases, after which he was a little lost. To be honest, at that moment, I was waiting for the evening to end and for us to go our separate ways. I’ll tell you straight - at first glance I didn’t like him, he was too boring or something...
When it was time to say goodbye, he decided to walk us to our room and, oh, horror, as it turned out, we were also neighbors. He was overly happy about this and did not hide his pleasure. Saying goodbye, he told us that we should definitely see each other tomorrow. Mom was not against it and sincerely did not understand my negative mood. I didn’t want anyone else to interfere with our vacation. No, I wasn't jealous, I just wanted a break from people. I fell asleep thinking about how to quickly get rid of our new friend.
He came early in the morning
The next morning I was awakened by a sharp knock on the door. It’s strange, usually the room is not cleaned this early... Who could it be... Mom was still sleeping, so putting on a robe, I trudged to the door. Our stranger from yesterday stood on the threshold, holding a towel and mask in his hands.
- What, did you wake me up? “Come on, stop lying around, pick up mom and let’s go for a swim,” he said in a cheerful voice.
To say that I was angry with him would be an understatement. Not only did he wake me up, but he didn’t even apologize. Ham! Muttering something dissatisfied under my breath, I promised him that we would come soon, which was completely unexpected for me. Closing the door, I thought about what a fool I was... why did I agree? Sitting on the bed, I looked at the clock - 6 am...
What a nightmare. I failed to wake up my mother; she stubbornly refused to go to the beach so early, tearfully asking for another hour of sleep. Well, fun, now I have to entertain our friend myself. Putting on a swimsuit and taking a towel, I leisurely went out and headed towards the beach. Not even halfway there, I heard a familiar voice.
-Have you come yet? “I thought I couldn’t wait…” he said with undisguised regret.
“It would be better if I didn’t wait,” I quipped again.
He realized that I was out of sorts again and we walked in silence the rest of the way. He still bothered me with his presence, but less so. This made me a little happy. I think I'm getting used to it. And so, I even dared to break the silence.
- And what are you doing? – I asked surprisingly timidly.
And then it began, he, inspired by my interest, began to animatedly tell me about everything: about nuclear physics, about computers, architecture, military aviation. He spoke so much and in such vivid colors that my unpleasant feelings towards him went away on their own. As it turned out, he is a designer, working on a new project, and would like to display in it some, at first glance, completely incoherent things. I listened to him and was delighted, but he really seems to have talent.
I felt calm with him, calm and interesting, in the evenings I sat with him for a long time at a table near the pool and listened to his stories over a glass of something strong. Then I told him myself and, surprisingly, he listened to me, listened with genuine interest and a charming smile. He gave me various advice and, sometimes, I got the impression that I was talking to my older brother or dad. He understood me.
It was amazing
We went swimming together, fooled around, visited excursions and shops. He was the first person who could become almost like family to me in such a short time. I went to visit him, we could lie on the bed for hours and watch movies, I was glad that he did not pester me, did not seduce me. I thought it might continue to be like this. But I was wrong.
One evening, he timidly knocked on our room and said that he was badly burned and needed help. Without any second thoughts, I put on a robe and went to his room, grabbing several burn creams.
I remember everything that happened next vaguely. I remember my hands on his hot back, then his hands on the belt of my robe, then his lips whispering something in my ear. We were covered with wild passion, I couldn’t resist, I was drawn to him. I could not even imagine that this could happen to me, to a girl who was faithful by nature, for whom family was her true value... With him, I forgot about everything. And so the accidental betrayal of a loving wife happened.
Every morning he brought me flowers and we went to breakfast together. He picked me up and carried me in his arms when I complained that the sand was hot. He took care of me and looked after me in every possible way. I was pleasantly pleased by his attention. But I knew for sure that this would not last long. I enjoyed every day with him, but I knew that I would not leave him any contact. We became even closer when we had a heart-to-heart talk with him, and as it turned out, he was also married. We were very similar to him, but, at the same time, completely different.
The time of my departure was approaching inexorably, I decided to spend my last evening with him. He was gentle and rude, very sensual and touching. We sat on his balcony almost until morning. They talked about everything, about their difficulties, sorrows and thoughts. He told me that there are no unsolvable situations and in everything that happens you need to see only the positive side. We said goodbye to him warmly and wished each other good luck and success. In parting, he fatherly kissed me on the forehead and said: “Take care of yourself, girl, you are the best,” and for some reason tears welled up in his eyes.
“I confessed to cheating on my husband”: personal experience
Attack of the truth-uterus
“The fact is that for our psyche, simply parting with you is one thing, but when you are exchanged for someone, it is completely different,” says practicing psychologist Elena Pikhovkina. - Finishing off with revelations the one you are leaving is the same as beating someone who is lying down. And expecting to clear your conscience with the help of confession and start all over again (to cheer you up, teach you a lesson, take revenge) is the height of naivety!
Stories from her practice confirm what has been said (all names have been changed. - Author ).
28-year-old Alena is still experiencing the collapse of her beautiful love story:
“From the first day of our life together, Vadim and I everything went smoothly, no adjustments, no everyday troubles. I looked at him and envied myself - how lucky I was! I was euphoric...
This euphoria lasted for more than a year. The disaster broke out on the very evening when Vadim came with a ring and proposed to Alena.
- Of course, I agreed! Then we sat over a bottle of wine and remembered our first meeting. Vadim said that he fell in love at first sight... And then the devil pulled me! I still don’t really understand how this happened! I wanted to convey to Vadim that love for him flared up in me, although not immediately, but seriously and for a long time.
Alena wanted to enter such a serious stage of a relationship as a legal marriage with a clear conscience, to start everything from scratch:
“I confessed to Vadim that for the first three months of our meetings I had a “parallel” gentleman. And that I decisively left him as soon as I realized that my feelings for Vadim were serious. I remember how Vadim’s face changed...
According to Alena, no “cinema” scenes followed:
“For some reason, Vadim tried to clarify everything directly by the days when exactly I broke up with the “parallel” one,” shares Alena. “I was still honestly trying to remember the dates, but I was thinking to myself, what does it matter if it was six months ago, and now we’re together and happy?!”
That evening they finished the wine and promised to remain faithful to each other in the future. But that's when something broke.
“Petty quarrels over trifles began between us, mutual discontent. My confession created irritation in him, which he tried to cope with, but could not. I understand this now, after a year of working with a psychologist, but then Vadim’s statement was out of the blue.
About a month after Alena’s fatal frankness, Vadim suggested breaking up with her:
“He softened it as best he could,” Alena admits. — He said that he was being sent on an urgent business trip for an indefinite period. And for us, this is, they say, an opportunity to live separately and once again test our feelings... I, of course, packed my things and left, and Vadim promised to call as soon as the business trip became clear.
A week later, he called and said that he “thought he could live with this, but nothing is working out, and he and Alena should break up.”
“Like, it hurts him to imagine that in those very days and nights when he was only thinking about me, I slept with another man,” Alena recounts the words of the would-be groom. - “It would be better if you didn’t tell me this!” - that’s what he said...
“If the betrayal is accidental, then, by and large, there is nothing wrong with it,” says practicing psychologist Elena Pikhovkina. “But to solemnly report it means to give it the status of a significant event and put your partner before a choice - to forgive and stay or to show pride and leave. Love is a possessive feeling. And although many couples declare that “a bitter truth is better than a sweet lie,” in reality, few are really ready for this truth. To forgive or not to forgive betrayal is a matter of degree, but not of love, but of pride. You can love very much and that is why you cannot forgive infidelity. But you can not love very much, and that is why you can turn a blind eye to your partner’s actions. Most often, it is the loving, decent woman who suffers the most after an accidental betrayal. She is tempted to clear her conscience and “return honesty to the relationship” by confessing everything to the man, “so that there are no secrets between us.” She hopes that it will become easier for her, but she does not think, will it become easier for a man? At the same time, women living in arranged marriages argue, although more cynically, but they spare the pride of their husbands. If you are planning a future together with a man, find the strength to remain silent about your sins. If you can't wait to repent, tell someone you trust, but not the partner you cheated on. Have pity on both yourself and your partner: living in the role of a “forgiver”, knowing the truth, is very difficult, and it is possible that, having forgiven in words, sooner or later he will still not be able to stand it. You can only be frank about the time when you were not yet a couple. And even then with great caution: it is unpleasant for men to share their woman with another, even in her memories.
For most men, the axiom “not to confess to anything” sits so deep that they cannot be talked into conversation even under torture or hypnosis. However, as it turns out, the “truth of a paroxysmal nature” is also familiar to them.
“I was married to Nastya for four years when I met Yulia,” says 36-year-old Nikolai. “I loved Nastya very much, but Yulka seemed to blow my mind!” At first I thought, I’ll sleep with her and calm down. But then I only began to be drawn to her even more. For three months I ran to her on any occasion. Then I decided that since this was the case, I needed to leave Nastya. But I still didn’t dare to have a frank conversation with my wife; I felt sorry for both her and my 3-year-old daughter.
Nikolai still had not spoken to his wife when, showing up without calling, he found his Yulia with someone else.
“I was so overwhelmed that I rushed to Nastya, confessed my love to her, and at the same time that I had made a terrible mistake. It was sincere. I wanted to say that this mistake only proved how much I love my family, that from now on I will never even look in the direction of other women... At first Nastya just blinked her eyes, then burst into tears. She said that she guessed that I had someone, but did not want to believe it. Then she started asking for details. But then I let go, and was smart enough to do without the details.
Nikolai says that Nastya seemed to have forgiven him, the family survived... but it’s impossible to live in it!
“Since then there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t cursed myself for this impulse!” My wife endlessly reminds me of infidelity, even when it is completely inappropriate. You were detained at work - what, was you wandering around again? I'm going to visit my mother - have I gone crazy? And now I can’t even say a word to my wife, even when she’s outright wrong, she always has one excuse - that’s my story. Recently, for example, on Saturday evening I left to meet my girlfriends, returned after midnight, drunk... I made a remark to her, calmly, and she told me: “Who would say, at least I’m with girlfriends, and not with men!” It’s very disgusting when you are endlessly nagged for something that happened and disappeared!
“The male version of “clearing the conscience,” the psychologist assesses Nikolai’s impulse. — Women more often forgive infidelity, but this does not mean that it is easier for them to live with this knowledge. Wives who have been deceived once are constantly tormented by doubts from the series: he knows that I know and forgave, which means he can do it again... That is why wives who have forgiven cannot cope with themselves and constantly remind their husbands of what they have done: they hope that in this way they will warn him from a new error. And living with these endless reminders is difficult for both parties.
Photo: Gennady Cherkasov
Cheered up with what happened
According to 29-year-old Nadezhda, her husband Igor, now ex-husband, is a reserved, silent person, stingy with emotions.
“He’s only three years older than me, but it feels like he’s still 33!” - Nadya shares. “We were together for just over two years.” At first everything was fine. Of course, even then Igor was not an emotional chatterbox, but still I felt like a woman next to him. At the beginning of our family life, we also had a lot of intimacy, intimate conversations... I did most of the talking, but Igor listened carefully and gave feedback. But gradually it all faded away. Marital duty turned into a debt; the husband fulfilled it strictly on Saturdays. I didn’t feel any passion, sometimes it seemed to me that I was living with a polite robot. I was sorely lacking in emotions! I tell him what a scandal we have at work, and he tells me: “Yes!” - and that’s it! I wanted there to be trust and frankness between us. Well, intimacy, of course, passion. But a husband is like an oyster that nothing can lure out of its shell.
With this, Nadezhda explains that, having gone to an on-site corporate training, she responded to the advances of a married colleague and slept with him.
“It’s clear that there were no serious intentions on anyone’s part,” admits the unfaithful wife. “We just drank, danced, wanted to cheer up, feel like a woman.” The next morning it was a little awkward, of course, to still work with this person. I suddenly thought that I would never have done this if Igor had not behaved like a frostbitten! And I decided that he should share responsibility with me. It occurred to me to cheer him up too.
Returning home, Nadya waited for the right moment and repented that “a colleague managed to seduce her.”
“Igor’s nerves began to ache, his fists clenched, but literally a minute later he pulled himself together and said: “If you’re talking about this, it means it’s in the past for you. I'm glad. Let's close this topic forever." That's all!
Nadya admits that it would be better if her husband yelled at her or even raised his hand:
- A healthy man cannot remain so indifferent when his wife cheated on him! And this one forgave me within a minute! The psychologist says that he just has such self-control, in fact it was hard for him. But how do I know why it’s hard for him? Is it because he doesn’t have his own housing in the capital, but he’s more comfortable with me?!
Be that as it may, after the fatal confession of his wife, life together turned out to be short-lived - less than a month passed before Nadya kicked out Igor.
“On the outside, it’s kind of stupid: she cheated with a random person and she herself kicked out her husband, who didn’t drink or party,” Nadya smiles bitterly. “But from that conversation, when I look at my husband, I remember his reaction to my confession!” It was hard for me to live with a cold person, but it turns out that it is completely impossible to live with a man who is not touched even by betrayal!
“Lack of attention is a textbook reason for female infidelity,” the psychologist sums up. — Due to the peculiarities of female physiology, few women, unlike men, simply want intimacy with a new partner. If a woman is seriously in love, she will do everything possible to build a strong relationship with her lover. If there are no serious plans, but the woman continues to “walk to the left,” it means that in this way she is either testing her attractiveness (increasing self-esteem), or trying to attract the attention of her main partner (husband), or taking revenge on him.
Come up with something!
But the unfaithful partners who “came up with something” never regretted it.
“About five years ago I had a whirlwind romance on the side,” recalls Tatyana, now she is 41. “I was seriously planning to leave for my lover.” We decided everything, all that remained was to talk to him with his wife, and me with my husband. I was so carried away that I thought the least about my husband, I didn’t even hide much anymore, I came late, sometimes I didn’t even show up for the night. But I still put off the decisive conversation, I wanted to better prepare for it, to weigh every word. After all, we lived in perfect harmony for 13 years, we have a daughter together, and I didn’t want to spoil the relationship at all. I kept thinking about how to more carefully confront him with the fact that I was leaving.
While Tatyana was gathering her thoughts, her husband suddenly called her to open up. He stated that he is not blind and sees perfectly well what is happening to his wife:
— He suggested that we talk frankly and try to start everything from scratch. Like, he confesses his sins to me, and I confess to him.
To prove the honesty of his intentions, the husband told his wife about a couple of brief adulteries that happened to him during business trips. And he began to wait for reciprocal frankness.
- I suddenly felt so disgusted! - Tanya is still surprised at her reaction. “I didn’t expect this from him at all!” How dare he cheat on me?! It seemed to me that I had stopped loving my husband a long time ago, and then suddenly such anger arose in me! And I suddenly took it and out of spite said to him: “Yes? But I’ve never cheated on you, I’ve been faithful all these 13 years!” Then it was his turn to fall into precipitate! Of course, he suspected something, noticed... And suddenly his faithful wife was in front of him!
Tanya recalls that after that conversation her husband noticeably cheered up:
“He didn’t want to part with me and was very afraid of my confession, because after something like that you can’t keep silent, you have to decide something.” And, apparently, fate was on his side! Soon everything went wrong with my lover...
Tanya’s lover was never able to leave the family and suggested that she continue to meet in secret. Tatyana was not satisfied with this, they broke up.
“I stayed with my husband,” Tatyana sums up. “Although I was still bothered by his revealed infidelities for a long time.” I think that I was able to forgive them only because at that time I myself was in love with someone else. And still, I secretly consoled myself with the hope that my husband had come up with all this, so that when we parted, we would be even. Now everything is fine with us, like a renaissance of past love. And I know one thing for sure: if I had found out about my husband’s infidelity not under such circumstances, it would have been a terrible blow!
“In the old days, abreks (mountain robbers) adhered to an unspoken rule: reporting to an elder meant forcing him to take action,” the psychologist draws an analogy. “For example, the leader of the abreks himself could guess that some of his entourage were dishonest with him, but for various reasons he would refrain from punishment. But if someone lower than him reported this to him, the elder was obliged to react so as not to lose authority among his subjects. This “law of the mountains” fully applies to betrayal in love. Sometimes the “leader” himself does not want unpleasant news that pushes him to punish the culprit. After all, guessing is one thing, but knowing for sure is quite another.
59-year-old Alexei is proud that he lived with his wife for almost 40 years, although he left her twice for other women. Alexey considers silence to be the key to his family happiness. And “repentance,” in his opinion, is only a seemingly honest act, but in reality it is extreme cruelty. And it will bring nothing but additional torment to the deceived side:
- In the matter of treason, simplicity is worse than theft! There is such a thing as a white lie. And in case of adultery, salvation is in silence. I left twice, but it didn’t work out, I returned to my family. And both times my wife took me back. Do you know why? Because I never admitted that I was leaving for someone else! He said anything but this. I need to think, be alone. Let's live separately for a while. I have problems at work. Men's health is playing tricks - anything is good except admitting that you preferred someone else to her! A woman is designed this way: even if she forgives in words, she will never forget in her soul. And then it depends on the character. The bitch will burn it down and start remembering it no matter what. And the one who is unsure of herself will suffer in silence and, just a little, suspect that you will leave again.
Well, each of us has the right to personal space and secrets that our beloved half is not only not necessary to know, but even harmful. But it’s even better not to poison yourself with “terrible secrets”, living by the principle: I don’t cheat because I respect my choice, and therefore myself.
Accidental betrayal of a loving wife - how did your heart calm down?
Sitting on the plane, I replayed everything that happened over and over again. I asked myself the questions “why?”, “why me and him? “, but I still couldn’t find an answer. The only thing I know for sure, and for which I am grateful to him, is that he taught me to rejoice, taught me to find a drop of positivity in a sea of misunderstanding and unhappiness. He revived my heart and he, he was the one who made me feel special. I am very grateful to him for this.
At home, I began to treat my husband differently, more reverently and with greater understanding, surprisingly, and he treated me too. We began to speak the same language, and he began to give compliments. I began to enjoy every day that I spend with him and his every success. Our feelings seemed to flare up again. I didn’t tell him about my betrayal, and I never will. And even if he ever cheated on me, I wouldn’t want to know about it either.
Although, now I have begun to view adultery a little differently. This may be a terrible thing for some, but it helped me save my marriage. I'm still not a fan of constantly walking to the left and I still believe that family comes first, but if that's the case... why not?
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Why do wives cheat?
Men have a surprisingly simple attitude towards cheating - “if you weren’t caught, you didn’t cheat.” And talking about cheating on your wife is practically bad manners. Well, unless in extreme cases, when the holes in the family boat cannot be hidden, and there is a desire to annoy the “unscrupulous” friend in life, who is not able to appreciate either the stars or the whole world thrown at her feet.
But what about the weak half of humanity? It’s rare that a woman treats infidelity “like a man” - that is, as a normal phenomenon and under the motto “a good leftist strengthens a marriage.” As a rule, women cheat for certain reasons and then have a hard time experiencing the betrayal - with remorse, mental tossing and vows of “nothing else!”
