How not to take everything to heart: advice from a psychologist, how to learn and stop taking everything that happens to yourself, how to stop worrying about trifles?

Sensitive people are very emotional about the problems and troubles they encounter in everyday life. This applies not only to events affecting them personally or loved ones. Even negative news about complete strangers resonates with them, causing a strong sense of empathy.

All people, in one way or another, react to the negative events they encounter. It’s just that one category of people does not pay special attention to this, and the second category plunges headlong into problems, bringing themselves to a state of stress and depression. This hypersensitivity interferes with normal quality of life. A person constantly experiences a feeling of oppression, painfully perceives criticism addressed to him and is offended even by minor remarks.

Psychology explains how to stop taking everything to heart and learn to live a full life. After all, this problem interferes with building relationships both in family life and at work. It is difficult to build a career if the boss does not see strong character and will in his subordinate.

Perceptive people and psychology

The entire journey of life is filled with tense situations. The processes taking their course determine the rhythm of life, the formation of society, and the emerging relationships. Everyone has problems. Throughout life, a person adapts to them. Some manage to cope easily, others cannot cope with the enormous burden.

In psychology, those who take difficult situations to heart are called emotional. Susceptible people quickly change their mood from elation to deep despondency throughout the day. There is heightened sensitivity to stimuli (physical and psychological).

Good-natured people have rich inner content and good imagination. You can always count on them in everyday life. They will provide support even against their own interests. It is important for them to gain the approval of outsiders. Often this trait can play a cruel joke. In life, good is not always repaid with good.

Getting very used to each other, impressionable people suffer heavily and for a long time in their souls over the breakup of relationships. Receptive sensitivity has its origins in heredity. In the future, it is formed by education, upbringing and living conditions. It is possible to be courageous when facing life's adversities if you work on yourself every day.

Method two: show yourself empathy or give yourself the opportunity to speak out

Let's return to the example of the driver who started honking at you angrily. Perhaps his anger is justified: you were driving too slowly, and he was in a hurry. Once you realize that what happened is your fault, you may experience guilt and shame. Try to show yourself empathy and acknowledge your feelings: confusion, shame, sadness. Admit to yourself that being wrong is very unpleasant.

Sometimes it is useful to speak up. For example, if a friend is looking at their phone, you might say, “I'm sharing something very important with you, and when you don't look up at me, I get the impression that you don't care.” It is important to talk about your feelings without blaming the other person.

If you show vulnerability rather than hurt, you are more likely to be heard and to continue to take your feelings seriously. Try these two strategies over the next few days or even weeks and track the results.

A bad habit is to take everything to heart.

Often people themselves lower their own self-esteem, losing chances for happiness and success, taking everything that happens to heart. A person becomes sensitive to the words and actions of others. At a moment of doubt, events are depicted in the worst possible scenarios. This habit reduces your efforts to find the secret of happiness and live better to zero.

Someone ignored the question asked, did not notice and did not respond to the greeting, and thoughts and guesses swirled in my head that this was due to a bad attitude. This state not only does not allow you to live better, but also leads to conflicts and creates a tense environment in communication with others.

Resentment and anger, feelings of fear and irritability become constant companions of sensitive people. The anxiety that often arises does not correspond to reality, but causes internal doubts. People are accustomed to living in anticipation of the next stab in the back, not believing in a good attitude towards themselves from the outside.

In real life the picture is not so scary. Most ill-mannered and unrestrained people have nothing against a particular person. Perhaps this is an unrestrained and grumpy interlocutor or someone who likes to constantly say nasty things. You need to learn not to pay attention to it.

Why do you take everything personally?

Okay, let's start by understanding this phenomenon. The idea that all situations and other people's reactions lead back to you stands on several pillars.

Personalization

If you take everything personally, it means your mind instinctively seeks the reasons for everything that happens in you. Not under these circumstances. Not in another person. Not in bad weather and low pressure. But only in you.

Just as scratched glasses distort your image, personalization distorts your thinking. You take something that never had anything to do with you.

For example:

Your neighbor didn’t greet you - you think: “He’s offended, he must be angry with me for something,”
A friend is sick - you think: “Because of me, I unnecessarily invited him to go out last night,”
If you see a smile from some guy, you think: “He’s smiling at me!”
The saleswoman complained to you about theft in her store - you think: “but I never stole anything,”
And the classic, walk past a group of strangers, they laugh - you think, “they are definitely laughing at me.”

You see, nothing complicated for those who want to feel that everything is tied to them. If you try, the habit of personalization will definitely connect you with the Japanese earthquake and solar storm.

Personalization distorts reality. And even worse, it leads to quite fatal consequences. If you think your neighbor was offended (rather than just thoughtful), or the saleswoman accused you of stealing (rather than just sharing a secret because you're her favorite customer), this will affect your relationship with them.

People who did not mean anything, did not want to tease you in any way, they do not accuse you of anything, from here they will suddenly see that you are angry with them, ignoring them and suspecting them of something.

Of course, such actions on your part will cause some kind of reaction.

The most unpleasant feeling that people can share is misunderstanding. Take it all together and it will create a lot of misunderstandings and hence distance in your relationship. This is a very high price.

Inner critic

If you think about it more deeply, the situations you accept are simply negative things. Others laugh, get offended, mock, get angry, criticize, or look at you crookedly.

There is no reason to be offended by others, because if you are looking for a criminal who insults you, makes you overthink yourself and cry over trifles, this is your inner critic. Every chance it gets, it bites your self-esteem and devours the next part. He is accusing you of something for which you are not responsible at all.

And now the most important thing is to take note of this: if you look at yourself very negatively and critically, know that you are seeing a distorted picture of reality. And thus, you automatically interpret ordinary events and circumstances as personal attacks and criticism. And keep them with you.

There is a good chance that the word or gesture has nothing to do with you, but your inner critic convinced you (in a split second) that it did not.

A pinch of narcissism

American writer Andre Dubus said:

“Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that what we think and do is really important to others.” This is very similar to excessive pride.

You care and worry about what others do and say, but mainly because you put yourself at the center of the universe. Admit it, it's a bit of a selfish attitude, right? What can I say, flatter yourself very well.

It is unknown who the author of these words was, but they put the entire universe in place:

“In your 20s or 30s, you worry about what others think of you. When you're 40, 50, you stop worrying about it. And at the age of 60, 70 you realize that they never thought about you." - and this is a more adequate picture of reality.

Why is this happening?

The habit of taking everything to heart interferes with daily life. People get stuck in unnecessary conversation. You can overcome the habit and move on with your life. People who tend to put all responsibility on their shoulders take everything to heart. They do not understand that the environment perceives them based on their character and upbringing received. These problems are present in those who were subjected to strong criticism in childhood, who were often rejected or condemned in life.

To learn not to take everything to heart, you need to increase self-confidence, develop self-esteem, and stress resistance. Do not allow others to influence your mood and constantly upset you. Such people assert themselves at your expense, taking away your energy. Self-esteem does not depend on mistakes and failures. Put achievements and small victories first.

How can highly sensitive people make their lives easier?

Highly sensitive people often hold leadership positions

Their slight emotional excitability can hinder them if they show weakness of character, therefore it is important to always remain a strong and strong-willed person

To make their life easier, such people need to firmly know their goals and maintain strict self-discipline. Their immoderate passion, the desire to achieve a goal by any means must be restrained by cold calculation and a sober assessment of the situation. Psychologists advise such people not to take failure to heart, but to try to find a different approach to solving the problem. After all, sensitive people are usually creatively developed individuals, and they are able to find a solution to a problem that others simply do not notice.

How to get away from negative experiences?

Everyday stress has become a part of life. Having woken up, the person has already prepared himself for the worst. At such moments, psychologists recommend auto-training classes - positive self-hypnosis. There is always a way out of any situation, although it may not always suit you. Control emotions through relaxation. Everyone chooses their own direction:

soothing music;
sounds of nature;
breathing exercises;
exercise stress;
a walk to your favorite places;
describe the condition on paper;
take a cold shower.

The psycho-emotional and physical state suffers from stress and irritation. Highly sensitive people become depressed. The first signs of uncharacteristic behavior are noticed by relatives, and assistance falls on their shoulders. The problem is clarified through a properly structured dialogue. Close people become sincere allies. This attitude helps restore confidence and desire to cope with the problem.

The best option would be to work with a psychologist, for example Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

General recommendations:

Regardless of the reason behind your excessive sensitivity and dramatization of life events, you can use dissociation techniques. They will help you look at the problem from the outside and take control of your emotions. https://telefon-doveria.ru/smotrim-so-storony-kak-nauchit-sya-sohranyat-samoobladanie-v-slozhnoj-situatsii/ And, of course, develop your sense of humor, because the ability to laugh at a problem will help faster get out of an unpleasant situation and look at what is happening with a smile -

If you find it difficult to cope with a difficult situation and emotional experiences on your own, call the Children's Helpline . Here you will always find support, an opportunity to speak out and calmly figure out what to do about it.

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How to stop taking everything to heart?

In this situation, you cannot do without the advice of a competent psychologist. Psychology says that you can learn to live without stress by knowing certain rules. They will help you cope with the surrounding reality. Psychologist's advice:

Perceive all the troubles that have befallen you as a certain stage in life. Negative situations happen to everyone, but over time everything passes. Without plunging into depression, they must be endured steadfastly. See adversity as a life lesson from which you can learn.
An emotional outburst is not a help in solving problems. You need to learn to manage your emotions; they have a negative impact on the body. Finding a way out of this situation is within the power of the person who finds himself in it. From the outside, no one will make an important decision; it will not be possible to hide from problems. The answer to the question: “How important will this be in the future?” will help restore calm. This is how the scale of the problem is determined.
Each person is individual with positive and negative character traits. Everyone has shortcomings. There are no ideal people. In the life of a living person there is always room for mistakes. Trying to become an ideal will lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction with yourself. Psychology recommends thinking less about flaws and looking more for your strengths.
There are energy vampires among those around. Devastation, anger and anxiety appear after talking with them. Psychologists advise minimizing such communication or abandoning it altogether.
Clarify the situation through dialogue with the interlocutor who hurt with words and actions. The main thing is not to attack or defend against it. The human soul, as a complex thing, is impossible to fully understand.
Knowing your pain points well, be able to control yourself, even if the conversation touched and opened an old wound. Everyone has sensitive topics and issues. Some are concerned about the issue of excess weight, others about an unfulfilled career. By anticipating the reaction to certain questions, it becomes possible to control your own emotions.
How to learn not to take everything to heart? Psychology advises to adhere to the rule of 3 times in life. When your interlocutor insults you once, it’s his fault. Perhaps it was a bad day, a bad mood. If offensive words were spoken a second time, then it is the listener’s fault. The third time should be the last. There is no need to communicate with individuals who constantly strive to offend and offend. It's better to be surrounded by positive people. They will have their own shortcomings, but they will not touch the pain points of the interlocutor.
Criticism can be unconstructive and constructive. The first one offends a person. The second action is aimed at resolving the causes of disagreement. It is used to your advantage and benefit. The critic must learn to discriminate. How to stop taking everything to heart? Try to understand the people who criticize. Perhaps it is directed at everyone around him and the person himself suffers from it. It is necessary to take into account the upbringing of the interlocutor and the cultural values instilled in him. Some, speaking in a raised voice, consider this to be the norm; for others, a loud voice is a disappointment.

Methods

Limiting your social circle

It's no secret that there are people who enjoy the suffering they cause to others. People call them “energy vampires.” After communicating with them, the mood, strength and, in general, the desire to live disappear.

So, the only way to protect yourself is to limit contact with them. Because any attempts to shift the conversation to a topic that you like and evokes positive emotions will be unsuccessful.

The less time you spend among those who look at the world pessimistically, and even with distrust, the more space you will have for your desires, experiences and thoughts in general.

Value your time. Don't let others control your mood.

Rationalization

The best method of dealing with hypersensitivity is rationalization. You just have to try to clarify the situation for yourself, sort it out, so to speak, and relief will come.

For example, you are afraid of the dark. Think about what kind of danger it is fraught with? Let's say it's ghosts. Have you ever seen them in reality at least once in your life, being sober and well-rested? Unlikely, right? Then what is the probability that they are really surrounding you?

You will learn more about how to use this method in the article about how to deal with your fears.

Diary

Keep a notebook where you will write down your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It’s not always possible to share something that worries you with loved ones. Some will not understand, others will not want to hear, others will devalue it, others will not be able to keep what they heard secret, and so on.

But on paper there is an opportunity to express everything that worries and worries. Having let off steam, you can easily destroy the paper later and then no one will probably know what happened to you and what thoughts were in your head.

Resource

Highly sensitive people have fairly well-developed emotional intelligence. And if others need to make a lot of effort to pump it up, it is given to you by nature.

In addition to intelligence, the advantage of such vulnerability is also intuition. That is, thanks to the fact that you let everything pass through yourself and react to the slightest irritant, you are able to empathize with the grief of others and support those around you in difficult times.

You are able to distinguish lies and anticipate events, read other people's emotions in general, even if they try to hide them.

Therefore, try to look at your feature from a different angle. Less pessimistic.

Daily routine and healthy lifestyle

With insomnia and lack of sleep, the nervous system is depleted, and accordingly, minor stimuli react sharply. So no advice from a psychologist will help if you do not adhere to the correct regime.

You should definitely fall asleep before nightfall, otherwise your body will not have time to restore wasted resources, and in the morning you will get up sluggish, as if you had not rested at all.

The situation is exactly the same with alcohol and drugs, which have an extremely negative effect on health and, accordingly, emotional state.

How not to take all the words of the offender to heart?

Disagreements can deprive even a calm interlocutor of self-control. Sensitive natures have the ability to let grievances pass through themselves, reacting painfully to what is happening. It is difficult for touchy people to live in this world. In this case, psychologists, in order not to constantly suffer, advise:

Take into account not the words you hear, but evaluate their author. Boorish and rude behavior comes from helpless, notorious people. Is there any point in being offended by a weak person?
Pay attention to the target of the offender. Perhaps his unpleasant joke or remark is caused by ordinary envy. In this case, he acts as a provocateur, anticipating a storm of emotions. Sometimes this behavior is a reason to stop communicating.
Publicly uttered insults do not paint the offender. At the moment he is presenting himself in an unattractive light, and adequate people around him perceive it this way. They will not discuss the offended person.
You should not listen to the opinions and criticism of semi-familiar people. Increase self-esteem and not focus on outside conversations.
Keep the situation in your hands. Having heard offensive words from a loved one, let him know that he offended. Perhaps it did not occur to the interlocutor that the statement offended a loved one.

It's difficult to learn right away. It will take a long time to work on painful sensitivity.

An effective method to combat the problem

This method is often recommended by psychologists to patients who have a similar problem.

Every time you feel influenced by someone's comment or reaction, write down what you heard on a piece of paper. Write a literal quote. Some you understand what someone is talking about, and some you actually heard.

Writing will allow you to distance yourself from what was said, and it will be easier to change the way you understand those words.

Because it is not so much the words that hurt you, but the content you convey to them. So you don’t need to guess the meaning of the words spoken, you need to think them over carefully and come to the original meaning.

For example, you feel that someone did not give you time to finish. He quickly ended the conversation and said:

“I don’t have time now, I have to go, we’ll talk later.” In this situation, you are moved by the fact that something else is important to this person, and you feel rejected. You think of the words “I don’t have time right now...” as “you are not important to me.”

So, your task is to write the quote “I don’t have time, I have to go” and not write what you mean by it.

Look at this text and say what it says about this person. How else can you understand this statement? How could a stranger who heard this sentence understand it?

“I don’t have time, I have to go,” you can literally understand that this person has something to do. This person doesn't say anything about your importance or your relationship.
You think that for you the concept of time in this situation simply means that you are not important. Yes, of course you understand it that way, but the question is whether this person understands it too. Is there an equal sign for him between “I don’t have time” and “you’re not important”?

Think about yourself now, and what happened before in your relationship? Maybe there's a reason you feel rejected? Is this situation causing you to have doubts about what is happening now, whether it is about this person or something else entirely?

Most often, we expect rejection when we have doubts about our own worth or validity. What appears in your mind is actually meant for the other person's head. It's starting to look like he thinks so. You don't know the other person's thoughts. Any unspoken assessments of those around you are your own self-esteem. Therefore, if you value yourself, others will value you too.

How to learn not to take everything to heart: advice from a psychologist

These tips can help you not take everything to heart, cope with tension and leave negative emotions in the past:

Accept the world around you as it is. It is the person himself who paints the episodes in white and black.
Do not waste energy and strength wasting time on trifles.
Constantly looking for an unfriendly attitude in your interlocutor’s speeches will not lead to good things. Instead of scrolling through your head the words that came out of an evil tongue, it is more useful to engage in self-development, family, and sports.
Learn to love yourself first, and then those around you. Give yourself the right to rest. Everyone’s method of restoring strength is individual. Feelings will suggest the path to emotional inspiration, to choosing what will allow you to relax and unwind.
Don't wait for approval from others. A person with low self-esteem depends on the opinions of others. A self-confident person will evaluate his successes and criticize himself.
Every living person is individual in everything. There is nothing else this unique in the world, and you shouldn’t put yourself within the generally accepted framework. Use the advantages, work out the disadvantages.

How to stop taking everything to heart? Create space between yourself and emotions, control your reactions. This is possible with hard and long-term work on yourself on your own. A competent psychologist will help you change your reaction to events and stimuli.

IMPORTANT! Informational article! Before use, you should consult a specialist.

Causes of human emotional hypersensitivity

Dr. Sigmund Freud looked for the roots of all nervous disorders and characterological characteristics of a person in childhood. Since then, no one has challenged this method. In childhood, we receive a ready-made set of reactions to the surrounding reality. And this is not always what our parents taught us. Rather, this is what life with them has taught us.

Reason #1. Low self-esteem

Lack of self-confidence, in one’s strengths, in one’s rightness, in the right to be oneself and in one’s place is the main cause of acquired emotional hypersensitivity. People who are insecure do not know how to build contact. They are always feverishly trying to avoid conflicts, but they constantly end up in them because no one wants to take them into account. Stress and grief are their main companions in life.

Low self-esteem is formed by constant shame. Shame is a necessary feeling, but if there is too much of it in the life of a small child, he can completely dissolve in this feeling and turn into a shameful “narcissist” - a person who is never sure that he has really achieved something. Every remark, unkind look, or ignoring will cause an internal storm of emotions and despair. Any interaction with people will turn into torture.

A child can also receive low self-esteem as a gift from parents who are too keen on proper upbringing. “The main thing is to be good,” they tell their children. It seems that what’s wrong with this principle? Everything is bad. To be good is to give up yourself, your desires and needs, in order to satisfy the desires and needs of others. After all, confirmation that I am good can only be obtained from someone else’s lips, and focusing on someone else’s opinion is the main killer of self-esteem.

Reason #2: Lack of self-support skills

As children, our parents support us. Whenever we fell, literally and figuratively, they picked us up, wiped away the dirt and blood, hugged us and reassured us. And if our parents did this well, leaving us with a basic feeling of security and support in our souls, the ability to quickly come to our senses remains with us for the rest of our lives.

But not everyone is lucky enough to have prosperous, emotionally warm and supportive parents. People who enter adulthood without a sense of basic security find themselves without a shield from all kinds of shocks. Self-support skills are also important: the ability to always be on your own side, internal self-supporting dialogue, the habit of pampering yourself and treating yourself compassionately, the ability to seek help from other people.

Reason #3: Oversensitive psyche

Nature has endowed some people with a hypersensitive psyche. They quickly get tired of even simple communication, and troubles can incapacitate them for a long time. This is the opposite of the type of people we call “thick-skinned.” High self-esteem and self-support skills do not save hypersensitive people from constant stress.