How to learn to accept a man for who he is?

What are men's hobbies for you, such as fishing, football or hanging out with friends? A source of quarrels (“he doesn’t pay attention to me”) or an opportunity to devote time to your hobbies? Is it worth trying to “remake” a slob or a hoarder if you are completely different by nature? We'll tell you how to strengthen a relationship with the help of your “otherness” and why it is in your interests to accept a man for who he is.

“How could he! How can you exchange a Dali exhibition with a buffet table and champagne for mosquitoes and a fishing rod! How can you be like that...” - then comes the obscene language. Admit it: have you at least once in your life experienced similar emotions towards your husband or partner and complained about the “wrong” man to your friend? Did they quarrel with him because of this “wrongness”?

There are girls like stars, if you believe the famous song by Andrei Gubin. But if you want your man to describe you as “there are stars like her,” then you can’t do without accepting your husband.

Historically, we are looking for a partner who is similar to us - with the same values, goals, interests, hobbies. Is this correct from the start? Partly. Remember: the dissimilarity of partners is not an obstacle to “happily ever after,” but an additional opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

So is it worth being a reflection of each other? And if not, then how to accept the differences? Let's figure it out.

When opposites attract, misunderstandings arise

Opposites attract, and subconsciously we are drawn to people who are endowed with everything that we ourselves lack.

• A girl with low self-esteem chooses a confident man.
• A spontaneous and unpredictable man chooses a cautious and prudent woman.
• A man is guided by common sense, and a woman depends on the mood of the little toe of her left foot...

But here lies the most common problem in relations between the sexes - misunderstanding. We are so different! We often speak different languages, we don’t get what we want from our partner, and the woman can’t choose between three shades of lipstick, putting the man at a dead end, because for him they are all red.

And there are only two ways - either find your exact copy and, quite possibly, get bored in five years. Or form into a single picture, like a puzzle - fit each other exactly, accept dissimilarity as an addition and every day discover something new and pleasant both in yourself and in your partner.

Perfect picture

He loves her, she loves him.
He accepts her as she is - with this charming look, cellulite and hysterics during the PMS period. She accepts him as he is - with a kind smile, beer fumes in the morning and socks scattered around the apartment. Well, why not an idyll? The problem is that this is not just an ideal (and therefore opposite to reality) picture of a relationship. This is the perfect picture... of a parent-child relationship. And if it would, perhaps, be right for a mother or father to accept their children with all their characteristics, then to want this from a partner, if you think about it, is even strange. It is as strange as expecting a husband or wife to live up to our expectations.

Alas. It is hardly possible to count how many relationships did not work out or brought disappointment and pain to their participants due to the fact that someone expected unconditional acceptance from the other.

How to accept a man who is different from you: 2 exercises

“But I hate fishing!
“I want to go to the Dali exhibition,” some of you will probably think. Well, yes. But he wants to go fishing and sincerely does not understand Dali’s “daub.” So what should I do? Interests, hobbies and even character traits are always an individual component of a person. Yes, you may not like fishing, and he doesn’t understand painting, but you are together, which means you have something in common. And you need to value this difference just as you value your commonality.

Here's an exercise to help you take the first step towards accepting your man.

1. Stand in front of the mirror and exhale.
2. Tell your reflection the following phrases:

• Every person has advantages and disadvantages. I focus on my man's strengths.
• He is not my copy, but that doesn't mean he's wrong.
• Each of us is unique and endowed with different traits and desires.
• There is no concept of “better or worse” in our life. We are different, so everyone is good in their own way.
• We complement each other. Our differences are what attracted us when we first met.

This exercise is simple but effective. Believe my experience and the experience of thousands of my students: when in the end you understand that there is no need to remake a person, then you will feel extraordinary peace within yourself. And this peace will bring joy from every day of your relationship.

But to achieve this feeling as quickly as possible is another technique that works. If you do not understand and do not accept some of your man’s hobbies, desires and needs, turn the situation around. Try to imagine that his football and fishing are like shopping and spa for you. His friends are like your girlfriends...

Or find benefit for yourself in its “irregularities. His silence is your opportunity to speak while he listens. His workaholism is a desire to achieve heights, to provide a better life for you.

Continue the list yourself! Write down in a column everything that you don’t like, that irritates and even infuriates you about your companion. And next to it, indicate your “benefit” from his hobbies, qualities or desires.

You can only change another person by changing the way you interact with him.

Partially or completely. Re-establish boundaries. Resolve conflicts, stop war, express emotions in other ways, negotiate and seek compromises. This process, of course, must be two-way at least to some extent. If all your steps forward (if they actually exist) are ignored or taken for granted, step back a little.

Still not satisfied? Step back at arm's length. Not satisfied again? Has this been going on for many years and nothing has changed? Stop all communication with this person. There are many other people in the world, communication with whom will bring you much more pleasure.

Can't stop because you're addicted? Or does your loved one depend on you?

Change this situation little by little. Limit some aspects. Do not pour out your soul, do not share information that can (and will) be turned against you.

Perhaps, seeing these changes, a person will want to take a step towards you. But this is a topic for another article.

To summarize: Accepting a person for who he is does not mean tolerating everything that you do not want to tolerate. This means understanding why a person says and does certain things. Understand why you have certain feelings for a person. It is possible to forgive him when you see that he is trying (if these efforts are actually present), but for now he cannot do otherwise. Those. maximum awareness, which grows primarily from a good understanding of oneself. Based on this awareness, you understand what you can expect from a person and what you cannot. And you form your own attitude towards it. At the same time, your feelings are just as important and valuable. You have the right to live the life you choose. Just like that man. You choose the method of interaction, the duration of interaction and the moment of interaction with this person.

If you can find ways to interact safely and pleasantly with respect and mutual movement, good, if not, then no. This is fine.

If communication doesn't work out with absolutely anyone, people don't stay in your life, you don't communicate or have bad relationships with your family. If no one wants to accept you for who you are, and you don’t really accept other people either. If you cannot build close relationships, you have no friends, and at work your colleagues communicate with you only formally...

No, it's not the people around you who are idiots.

There is a hidden, suppressed problem within you. This problem needs to be explored, recognized and solved. It's better with the help of a specialist. After all, you’ve been trying to resolve it on your own for a long time and you didn’t succeed.

Why is it so important to be able to accept?

By refusing to accept oneself, the behavior of loved ones, or certain circumstances, a person is in a state of permanent internal conflict. Resistance to acceptance wastes a lot of energy, as he constantly spins unpleasant thoughts in his head, worrying again and again about perceived injustice. By this, he destroys himself not only on the psycho-emotional level, but also on the physical level (due to psychosomatic processes).

It is also important to understand that non-acceptance does not reduce the likelihood of new unpleasant situations and disappointments. Everyone has them anyway. But those who know how to accept are the easiest to deal with them. And the events themselves are not as important as the reaction to them. A person who refuses to accept is not able to live in harmony with himself. Those who calmly accept them gain much more control over their life and can calmly move on.

So where is the acceptance here?

Acceptance is not just praise or criticism. This is adequate feedback that helps the child see himself as a whole, and not just his “good” or “bad” sides. Accepting a child is the foundation of adequate self-esteem, the formation of the psyche without a bias towards “plus” or “minus”.

The parent acts as a “non-crooked” mirror that makes the baby visible. Not embellished, not partially visible, but simply visible. Just like we see our reflection in a mirror. Of course, we may not like something about ourselves, but we pay more attention to something. But if the child’s psyche develops normally, everything should be reflected.

Parental role

So, complete acceptance, love without any conditions - this is what, ideally, every child has the right to. Mom and dad were waiting for him, he was born - and now he is welcome. And they love him, despite the whole range of difficulties that those who raise children face.

But the child is dependent on the parents. They are responsible for his safety, development, physical and psychological health. The mission of parents is to educate and raise. Mom and dad's unconditional acceptance helps the child feel loved and significant. He receives the message that it is normal to be himself, to feel different emotions is natural, and to be worthy of respect and good treatment is right.

But, in addition, parents must teach him to follow the rules of society, study, work, negotiate with people, and so on. And this is important precisely because in the future we build relationships with others that are not child-parent, but other ones - friendly, neighborly, collegial, sexual, and so on. And they are all conditioned by something. All of them, including a romantic relationship, represent a kind of “social contract”.

Top 10 main shortcomings of men

1. Love of order or disorder. It’s strange to combine these words, but women are equally annoyed by a man who cleans everything down to the last speck of dust, and by one who constantly does not clean up after himself.
2. Bad habits. This is probably one of the most important shortcomings of men. Smoking and drinking alcoholic beverages not only irritate women, but also kill the health of the consumer himself.
3. Computer games. And this is a modern problem. Every day a man sits and plays at the computer, all the chores and worries at home fall on the woman’s shoulders. He begins to pay less attention to her.
4. Strange male humor. It is so arranged by nature that women can rarely understand the humor of the opposite sex. They can laugh even at some thoughtless things.
5. Untidy. This flaw can be noticed at the first meeting. An unkempt man will not think about taking care of himself, and will not try to look more attractive to a woman. Such representatives of the opposite sex greatly irritate women.
6. Reluctance to take responsibility. When they see this quality in men, women immediately begin to take full responsibility. Help partners make decisions. But most often, representatives of the fair sex do not want to change this quality, fearing that then no one will listen to their opinion.
7. Selfishness. First he looks after you, and then he begins to show his essence. Stops paying attention and consulting with you. He constantly goes to see his friends and doesn’t think about you at all. The only thing that can become worse is the flow of egoism into egocentrism.
8. Greed. During the candy-bouquet period, he tries to give small gifts, flowers, etc. But when the relationship lasts a long time, the woman begins to understand that her partner is sparing his money on her. The main thing is not to give him access to your money.
9. Failure to keep promises. “Said and done” is not about such men. They do not try to be a support for you, to fulfill their promises. They are simply next to you and are waiting for decisions from you. Such male representatives are very annoying.
10. Jealousy. It's good if it is present in reasonable quantities. But if he is jealous of all living things, this is already a flaw.

Why acceptance is a great opportunity for change

“A curious paradox arises - when I accept myself as I am, I change. I think this is what many clients' experiences, as well as my own, have taught me, and that is that we don't change until we unconditionally accept ourselves for who we really are. And then the change happens as if imperceptibly.”

- from Carl Rogers's book "Emerging Personality."

It must be emphasized here that acceptance in itself is already a change. The moment our perspective on a situation changes, new opportunities appear. This happens even before we can directly influence the problem situation.

What we end up with is that when I truly accept something, I have a choice. I can leave everything as it is (but this will no longer be a passive choice) or I can take conscious action regarding this situation.

What else to read about this:

1. Alexander Badkhen. "Lyrical philosophy of psychotherapy"
2. Gerald Adler. "Loneliness and borderline psychopathology: links to child development"
3. Carl Rogers. "Becoming a Personality"
4. Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott. "Adult Attachment Disorders: Treatment for Comprehensive Recovery"
5. Ronald Fairbairn. "Psychoanalytic study of personality"

How to love yourself

1. Always thank yourself, even for small things.
2. Treat yourself with respect. Don’t skimp, instead of three bad ones, buy yourself one good thing. Remember: whatever energy comes from you, such is your state.
3. Always try to stay on a positive wave, even when the situation gets out of control.
4. Learn to relax.
5. Accept yourself.

“When you stop considering acceptance as a weakness, you will begin to live easily and calmly. Acceptance is the first step towards discovering the source of self-love, beginning healing and gaining wisdom,” concluded Svetlana Kreuzer.