The public places too much importance on having a partner. Many women think that life without a man has less value than with him, and instead of enjoying the status of “single lady” and directing their energy in a different direction, they begin to fixate on the chosen object: “Why didn’t he call? Where were you last night? What does he think of me? Of course, a loving and reliable partner will only bring benefits for both mental and physical health, but obsession with another person interferes with enjoying life.
In this article:
Why are you obsessed with thoughts about a man? How to stop thinking about him all the time?
How to let go of your attachment to a man - stop clinging to him, waiting, depending
The most common model of relationships is dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love another, to idealize another, to curse another too... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to imagine that there's anything wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on ourselves, that brings us a lot of suffering and pain. After all, when two people deepen into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other’s deepest wounds and press on the most sore spots.
What causes our dependence in relationships? And what is she hiding underneath? How “inevitable” is our suffering?
If you smiled and thought “well, this is not about me,” do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of dependent relationships are opaque and insidious; it requires focused awareness and the courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown either cold or hot - from a feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically there is a feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which is slowly but surely killing both. Or you often seek salvation in alcohol, food, work, sex or some other external stimulant to distract from your experiences, inability to experience a feeling of true intimacy and love. And the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally... Then take a look, don’t be afraid, look in the face of what may have been repressed from your consciousness, what you have denied about yourself for many years or even “didn’t realize” - your addiction.
Features of manifestation of addiction:
- A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. He cannot imagine himself without a partner. In relationships, it is as if he is complemented to the whole, but at what cost - by renouncing himself. He looks at others as the source of his happiness and completeness of existence. If I'm not happy, he holds someone else responsible for it.
- A dependent person is constantly dependent on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
- It is very difficult for dependent individuals to separate themselves from their partner. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they strive to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance and sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom.
- Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “friendship” of their loved one. They, however, do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person tells another: “I can’t live without you,” that’s not love, that’s manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
- Dependent people are looking for a mate, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that a love relationship will cure them of boredom, melancholy, and lack of meaning in life. They hope that their partner will fill the void in their life. But when we choose a mate, placing similar hopes on her, in the end we cannot avoid hating the person who did not live up to our expectations.
- They are unable to define their psychological boundaries. Addicted people do not know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
- They always try to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, and wear masks of “goodness.” In this way, dependent people try to control the perceptions of other people. But at what cost - betraying your true feelings and needs.
- They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but they listen to the opinions of others.
- They try to become necessary to other people. They often play the role of “rescuers”.
- They are jealous.
- They experience difficulties alone.
- They idealize their partner and become disappointed in him over time.
- Not connected to their dignity and intrinsic value.
- They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
- They believe that the partner must change.
Addiction is a relationship with a fixation on another person.
Codependency in adults occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish relationships with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other as if glued to each other. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.
Strategy of the addicted lover
A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the “beloved” dominate the mind, becoming an extremely valuable idea. Characterized by obsessiveness in behavior and emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants his partner to make him happy (as in the fairy tale: “go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what”...).
The love of an addicted person is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.
There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, a person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fears, while another feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. There is jealousy - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.
The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person in the system of these relationships, without criticism of his condition. Expectation is the first, weak form of “demand”... And demand is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at yourself, at the world, at life, at another person.
A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of the dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems, which are centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of abandonment. By his behavior he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level this is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate “healthy” intimacy. He is afraid of being in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed and experienced mental trauma when showing intimacy with his parents.
In my understanding, love between two people can only take place when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when the relationship comes from freedom.
- Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person . It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Respect your obligations to your loved one, but at the same time allow him to breathe freely.
Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let someone you love go free, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.
- To love is to be there when needed, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. “When two devastated souls meet, they are immediately tired of each other, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).
Partners in such close relationships move closer and further apart during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do so impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This becomes possible through trust and awareness.
- Relationships of Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and their partner) and manipulate. Love means that the person next to you can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to be sick, allowed to make mistakes. Loving a person more than the actions they perform. To be someone they know will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not out of fear and insufficiency. We love not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
- Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on yourself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, frees himself from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.
This is the highest degree of freedom - first of all, internal! When you yourself are free, you respect and appreciate your partner’s freedom. You become a source of freedom...
“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other eliminate any dependencies. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears” (Osho).
If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready to do anything just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to gain inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and don’t find it, there is a simple technique - the technique of gratitude!
Take time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your Soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.
- Why do I thank this man?
- What attracts me to him?
- What happens to me when I communicate with him?
- In what ways are we similar?
- Where is he expanding me? What can I learn from him?
- Why can't I still erase his contact?
- What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?
- What connects us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?
- What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?
- How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?
- What kind of person have I become thanks to my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadows of my consciousness, has found light?
- Can I move on on my own? Bless him and let him go? Do I have love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is still unfinished between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to something that is already in the past?
Everything in your life is connected only with your partner
It's normal to think about your partner throughout the day. After all, relationships really are a big part of our lives. But when the whole world begins to “revolve” around the partner, and other important things fade into the background, this may indicate an excessive fixation on the relationship.
Diane Dorell, a dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again, says ruminating about your partner can be disruptive to your work and personal life. For example, when you can’t concentrate on work because you’re constantly wondering where your partner is and what he’s doing. Or when you communicate with a friend, while simultaneously corresponding with him on social networks. Agree, this brings discomfort and the feeling that you are not too interested in your own life.
You need as much confirmation of his feelings as possible.
When you become too focused on the relationship and constantly replay in your head all the little details that happen between you and your partner, you can become more anxious. Even the smallest changes in your partner's behavior can make you feel like your relationship isn't the same as it used to be. Therefore, you need more and more confirmation that he loves you. You may be offended if he forgot to tell you before bed that he loves you, or didn’t compliment your new hairstyle.
Unfortunately, such grievances only harm the relationship that you want to “bring to the ideal.” Therefore, you should not be overly focused on evidence of your partner’s feelings.
Your emotions depend on your partner's mood
If your mood depends on how happy or sad your partner is, this is a sign of being fixated on the relationship. Even when you're in love with someone, you can't forget that your feelings and his feelings don't have to be the same.
For example, your partner came home happy because he had a great day. On the contrary, your day is not going well, but you force yourself to smile and pretend that everything is fine. Or when he is sad and you feel depressed for no particular reason.
You talk about your relationship too often
Meetings with friends are a great occasion to discuss business, interests and news. But if you constantly talk only about your relationship with your partner, you are definitely too focused on it.
Firstly, this behavior may begin to annoy your friends over time. It's normal that they may not be interested in all the facts of your personal life and constant stories about your partner. If every topic of conversation, even about the weather or city news, is translated by you into an enthusiastic story about how you and your partner are building relationships, you can safely say that you are excessively fixated on them.
Secondly, such conversations can often indicate problems in the relationship. For example, when you tell how you had a wonderful vacation, embellishing the facts to present your chosen one from the best side.
You stopped doing what you used to enjoy
Your obsession with relationships can become destructive when you give up what you love. For example, you give up going to the fitness center, which was useful and brought you joy, in order to spend more evenings with your partner. Or instead of reading, which brought you pleasure, you play video games with him, although you don’t really like it.
In a healthy relationship, there is personal space and compromise between partners about how time should be spent.
Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist and relationship coach, warns that if you start to “agree with your partner's needs most of the time” or “define what you want based on someone else in order to please them,” it may negatively affect your life. Your partner's needs can crowd out your true desires, goals and lifestyle.
Why do women have thoughts about their husband cheating?
If you have ever thought and imagined in detail how your husband is cheating on you, you are not alone. Since a woman is primarily driven by her feelings and emotions, it is very difficult for her to survive betrayal and forget about it, even if she has forgiven the traitor. Naturally, such thoughts cause constant anxiety and violate trust in a couple.
The result is quarrels and scandals. Why do women behave this way? There are reasons for this:
- they themselves are capable of treason, so they judge by themselves;
- deceived women do not trust people because of their own past experiences, betrayal by loved ones, parents, friends or former partners;
- they lack the self-confidence to feel worthy of love.
According to psychologists, with such suspicions, it is not necessary that the man continues to cheat, but a negative atmosphere in family relationships can again push him to cheat.
Memories of her husband’s betrayal are also a kind of justification for a woman. She likes to be a victim in this situation, thereby justifying her misdeeds. Let's say that a husband cheated on his wife because she stopped attracting him outwardly. Instead of losing weight, taking care of her appearance, getting her hair and manicure done, it is more convenient for a woman to plague her husband and herself with suspicion.
But whatever the reason that it is difficult for a woman to forget about the betrayal of her beloved man, this is a serious psychological problem that needs to be solved.
Say a prayer
Prayer is an appeal somewhere higher with a request for help, you don’t have to be a believer to just pray for a person, just say that you wish only goodness and love for the man you are thinking about. Picture him happy in your thoughts, rejoice for his happiness, because true love does not mean being close to a person, true love can manifest itself in the desire to make another person happy.
This method is not suitable for girls who consider men their property, who believe that if there is a relationship, then he is mine forever and no football will separate them. Bad news for such girls, of course there are men who want to be the property of a girl, but the girl will not get happiness and pleasure from such a relationship. Think 10 times, do you need it?
I have a good example, a friend has a wife, they lived together, they didn’t bother, and she says that she went to her grandfather’s clairvoyant to persuade you to marry me. After my friend found out about this, he was very upset, he believes in all these things, so he believes that he was stabbed, and takes it too close to his heart.
Trust in the family has been greatly undermined, almost to the point of divorce, on the one hand the question is, what’s wrong with that? But on the other hand, they just took it and decided everything for the person.
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All your resources go towards relationships.
When you constantly analyze your relationships, you spend a lot of effort and energy on it. Also, emotional dependence on your mood and what happens between you and your partner can cause you unnecessary pain, anxiety and negativity.
Please note that financial resources may also suffer. Often we try too hard to invest financially in relationships - we give our partner gifts that we can hardly afford, and when living together we pay for household needs alone.
