Is there life on maternity leave? Psychologist on how to make motherhood joyful

Most women fear maternity leave more than the birth itself. And all because it is almost impossible to meet a mother who would enjoy her legal right to sit at home and not rush anywhere. More often you hear something like this about maternity leave: I’m going crazy, I wish it would all end soon. Practicing psychologist, author of a bestseller about pregnancy and preparation for childbirth, Tatyana Aptulaeva, is sure that this time can be spent profitably. How to do this, she told AiF.ru

Sudden downshift

Oksana Morozova, AiF.ru: Tatyana, one of the quite popular queries on the Internet is “how not to go crazy while on maternity leave.” Why do many women perceive maternity leave as a kind of test - are they terribly afraid of it?

Tatyana Aptulaeva : It’s really possible to go crazy while on maternity leave. Imagine, you lived, lived an ordinary life with work, career, discos and karaoke, and then bam! You have a child. That's it, no more karaoke bars. I am, of course, greatly exaggerating this. The loss of your former freedom when you did what you wanted ends in an instant, and you are completely subject to the baby's schedule.

— So, is there a real reason for concern, or is the maternity leave not as scary as it is made out to be?

- You never know what you can do till you try. A future with many unknown conditions when you give birth for the first time is scary. But when a baby, your closest person, is in your arms for the first time, all fears recede, most of them. You start living in real time. Here and now. Solve all pressing problems, of which there are dozens every day. That's all. This is the law of nature. But if you continue to be tormented by some specific fears, discuss them with your loved ones. The support of our husbands and friends is often enough to cope with the situation. Is your inner circle not helping? Then go for a consultation with a good psychologist. Excessive fears interfere with enjoying motherhood and become a fly in the ointment.

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— What are the most common myths about maternity leave you have heard?

— The myth of lost time. He comes first. Because we live in the grip of another myth. Its name is “success”. And it assumes a life in which events change with the same breakneck speed as in the action films about James Bond and Charlie's Agents. And, of course, there is a hidden, often unconscious duty - to demonstrate to the whole world the external indicators of our achievements. More money. Higher position. Cooler car. A deck of certificates of completion of various training courses. And so on ad infinitum. And maternity leave is such a sudden downshift. Once, and your speed is not fifth, but first. And the worst thing is that you cannot, as in that song, shout “Press on gaaaaz!” Because a woman with a baby in her arms is no longer James Bond or Agent Charlie. No matter how much she wanted it. But maternity leave is a different value system. The key word here is “values” - they exist and there are many of them.

Symptoms of burnout

Emotional burnout resembles depression and most often occurs among residents of large cities, locked with children within four walls. The monotony of maternity life creates the feeling of an endless marathon with no end in sight.

Irritation appears, nervous breakdowns occur, and all this, it would seem, out of nowhere and without any reason. Caring for a baby does not bring any joy. A feeling of guilt appears - is it possible to get tired of your own child?

Mom wants nothing more than to take a break from the daily whirlwind and run to work. Because I no longer have the strength to sit on boring maternity leave. These are the first “bells” signaling the mother’s emotional burnout. It is characterized by a number of signs:

• apathy;
• irritability;
• nervous breakdowns;
• tiredness from your beloved child;
• prostration.

Dealing with this problem is not so easy. Everything is decided individually depending on the reasons that provoke emotional burnout.

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Self-care

— Is it possible to get rid of the feeling of “Groundhog Day” during this period?

— Not a single mother in the world will get rid of “Groundhog Day” if she herself takes care of the baby. Whatever one may say, you still repeat the same actions day after day. Let's list: 5-6 times - changing diapers; 5-6 times - feeding (first by breast, then with complementary foods); every evening - swimming before bed; every day is a walk. Now let's multiply this by the number of days in the week, and then by the months of the year. The numbers are impressive. Add to this the usual household chores - preparing food for three times a day for an adult, washing, cleaning, washing dishes. And all this life is in a state of “and the scent is like a dog, and the look is like an eagle.” The mother of an infant is always in the combat stance of a border guard who is on duty day after day, but at the same time his normal state is increased vigilance.

All these child care actions become automatic, because the human psyche cannot withstand monotony and monotony for a long time. And then it’s not far from depression and indifference to one’s own life. Fatigue still accumulates. First, physiological—restoration of the body after childbirth, from lack of sleep, torn sleep, double workload and responsibility, and generally mastering one’s new role as a mother. And then the psychological is added to it. But you cannot help but repeat these actions, because your child’s well-being directly depends on them; you satisfy the most basic needs in his life.

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- In that case, what should we do?

— In order for fatigue not to lead you to depression and the feeling of automatism that enhances “Groundhog Day,” you need to reduce it as much as possible at the physiological level. First, you reduce the feeling of fatigue in the simplest possible ways (sleep, daily walks, proper nutrition). Secondly, you are planning new events that will always bring a fresh emotional current into your life, and not into the lives of others. You need to feed yourself with positive emotions. It can be simple but constant pleasures - meeting with friends. But a more reliable way, in my opinion, is to invest in your personal development. Anything. New foreign language. Culinary arts courses. Landscape design. Garden beds at your dacha. I’ll explain why: by engaging in self-development, you change internally and ensure movement not externally, but internally. A new hairstyle will no longer be fresh, clothes will wear out, meetings with friends will end, and the results of your development will remain with you forever. Do you understand the difference? This returns your self-esteem to its previous normal state. And you will no longer feel like an appendage to a child, a milk production plant, etc. It is important.

When you are forced to repeat many monotonous, monotonous actions every day in your external life, it is especially important for you to change internally, to give yourself growth as an individual and a person. The result depends on the repetition of your monotonous actions - your child grows up healthy and happy. But you also need to take care of yourself. If you are not full of energy and emotional fulfillment, how can you give your love and care to your child? With what feelings?

“And yet most women on maternity leave live differently. How to properly organize your day to get everything done? Does it make sense to create a daily routine and stick to it strictly?

— It all depends on the type of mother. If a woman is initially an excellent manager, an organized person, then a child in her arms changes little. Such women quickly turn into a classic multi-armed mother-goddess and do five things at once. But if you live more by inspiration (I, for example, am one of those people), then it is especially important to maintain excellent tone - both physical and psychological; maintain a good mood, have at least one great source of inspiration. Or a bunch of small ones. For “attitude” mothers, it makes no sense to plan everything and manage to do it at all costs, because this does not relate to their internal structure and value system. Rigid planning won't work anyway. We didn’t do it today, we’ll make it tomorrow. Life quickly determines priorities. They will give up on makeup first of all. All life is subordinated to one thing - the well-being of the child. Therefore, it is important to get to the clinic in time, and put the soup into the slow cooker, pour vegetables into it with the magic words “cook a pot” and all other household tricks are quickly mastered: we talked with other mothers, read the necessary articles and books on child care - and learned a lot . Experience quickly teaches that you can accomplish a lot with your child. And go to the store, and do the cleaning, and cook soup, and do gymnastics on the playground while the child is sleeping, and listen to music on headphones while you push the stroller in the park.

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Advice from a psychologist ↑

1. Involve your husband in raising the child to the maximum. Talk frankly with your husband, tell him that it is difficult for you to cope with some responsibilities. The conversation should be conducted exclusively in a positive way - without scandals, shouting and reproaches. Apply tricks: say that you want your child to be very similar to him, and joint games and all kinds of communication with the child can contribute to this. But be prudent: if your spouse gets up early in the morning for work, do not ask him to get up all night so that he can calm the child down.
2. Read books about child development and education. There is a lot of useful information written there. From them, not only a young mother, but also an adult woman who has successfully raised several children learns something new. They often provide examples of real-life situations. Such techniques make it possible to more easily come to certain conclusions. Moreover, after reading this literature, many mothers will understand that the child’s nervousness and whims are not a consequence of their inept handling of the baby, but features of age-related changes.
3. Enter a reward system . Set goals for yourself throughout the day. As soon as you successfully complete them, do yourself a favor: buy goodies, things, set aside more time for doing what you love, etc.
4. Don't isolate yourself . Communicate more. Preferably not only with girlfriends. Discuss various issues: raising a child, relationships with your husband (in general terms, without details), your own feelings, etc. In response, you will hear a lot of advice, examples of what to do and what not to do.
5. Find a nanny . If your relatives do not have the opportunity to help you raise your child, a person offering his services for money will help you get distracted. A nanny can be found either full-time or just on weekends. If the first option gives access to work, the second – for your own leisure.
6. Do not exaggerate . After all, many women have gone through childbirth. And some - more than once. Think about the fact that you were able to give life to a new person. And this cannot cause depression while on maternity leave.

Immerse yourself in motherhood

— What mistakes do women usually make on maternity leave?

— Perfectionism. You don't have to become a perfect mom. Try to do everything with an A+. Stay in personal development.

— How to get rid of the ideal mother complex?

- Love yourself. Maternity leave is a great time to live a slower life, absolutely rightfully so. And perhaps you even have to if you want your child to feel good, because high speeds, frequent changes of impressions, communication with a large number of people - all this is not for a baby. He gradually discovers the world for himself, quickly gets tired of various kinds of stimuli - noise, bright light, flashing faces, the cacophony of a big city.

— How to find time for self-care?

- Taking care of yourself is not as difficult as it seems. In the first months or six months, the main self-care is the simplest things. The first is sleep. It must be picked up at every opportunity. If you can't sleep, just lie down next to your child to reduce nervous tension and give your body rest. The second is a complete healthy diet. Three times a day plus a couple of snacks. The third is physical movement for pleasure. And these are daily walks and fitness. All. No frills. I don't remember my difficulties with self-care. We asked our relatives or husband to sit with the child in the evening and went to take a bath. The child fell asleep during the day - make yourself a face mask, apply compresses for the eyes and lie down nicely for 2 minutes. Most self-care routines do not require much time. Another thing is physical tone and the problem of excess weight. In most cases, it is not a question of how to find time, but of how to deal with the excessive anxiety that makes us eat too much. But that is another topic.

— The standard problem that many women talk about when maternity leave is coming to an end is “I forgot how to work, my head is not thinking at all,” etc. Is it possible to avoid such consequences and how?

— If you were engaged in self-development during maternity leave, you will not have such a feeling. This is the best prevention of such consequences. It's important to keep your brain sharp. And if you return to your previous place of work, most often this anxiety quickly passes in the first week, maximum two, as soon as you join the flow.

— Some women literally disappear from life for several years after the birth of a baby. Is it correct?

— My life on maternity leave is a vivid example of such a loss of several years. But purely external. I plunged into motherhood, giving up active activities in the sense of office work or a career. She left the city. I met a lot of misunderstanding. But my life was busier than ever. If you want, this period can renew your life in a very powerful way. Reconsider your relationship with yourself, other people, and your work. During this time I improved my English. I wrote a new book. Some people left my social circle, others came. I was engaged in improving my qualifications as a psychologist, undergoing personal therapy every week. And in order to become a qualified psychologist, you need to sit very well in the client’s chair. Without analyzing your own questions, pain points, without meeting your own “sins” with your own eyes, you cannot help and understand other people who turn to you for help. Maternity leave time is a crisis. Indeed, you can fall out for several years - the question is how you do it. The artist Surikov once went to Krasnoyarsk for five years - he had his own crisis period. And he returned to Moscow with his most famous painting, “Boyarina Morozova.” Now it hangs in the Tretyakov Gallery. Don't be afraid to take a few years off if you see value in it.

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What should my husband do ↑

1. Take an interest in your wife's health and condition . Maybe sometimes she's just too shy to tell you what's bothering her, or she just doesn't want to be a burden.
2. Take some of the household chores on yourself . She should feel your concern.
3. Give her compliments . Remember that women love with their ears.
4. Don't insist on intimacy . Since she is now having a hard time mentally, your demands will only worsen the situation. In addition to the fact that she will become even more depressed, your relationship as a whole will gradually begin to collapse.
5. Try to “stir up” her with pleasant impressions . It could be gifts or a good time.
6. Don't tell her that she can't do something . Just kindly help her.

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What is postpartum depression?

Postpartum (or postnatal) depression is a mental illness characterized by a sharp deterioration in the psychological and emotional background that occurs after childbirth.

This disease affects 10-15% of women. Postpartum depression is not that uncommon.

It is normal to feel weak and irritable in the first couple of weeks after giving birth as your body adjusts to the non-pregnant state. If after a month nothing changes, only deterioration occurs every day, then it’s time to sound the alarm. It is also worth keeping in mind that postpartum depression does not always occur in the first weeks after childbirth - it can appear throughout the first year.

Who is more susceptible to the disease?

The risk of developing emotional burnout in a mother is higher if:

• there are children with a small age difference of 3-6 years;
• the child is often sick;
• life is multitasking (many responsibilities, hard work, etc.);
• single-parent families, financial difficulties, difficult living conditions;
• quarrels, scandals, conflicts in the family, life as if on a powder keg;
• perfectionism is developed;
• the woman herself suffered psychological trauma and did not have a prosperous childhood.