“I will be left alone, with the child. Who will need me?” With this attitude, divorce really seems like a huge tragedy, although in fact it is the beginning of your new life. Free life.
After all, if you decide to break up, it means the relationship has exhausted itself.
How to get through divorce in the least painful way? Let another man into your life and find happiness?
Who is this article for?
For women who view divorce as a personal defeat: they couldn’t save the family, they couldn’t keep the man. Those who are afraid to build new relationships believe that fate will not give them a second chance.
From this article you will learn:
- Why are we getting divorced?
- The main women's fears associated with divorce.
- Divorce through the eyes of a woman: two points of view.
- Work on mistakes.
- You are not the same as your ex. How to communicate with your ex-partner? + Practice
- The first steps towards your real self. Healing after divorce.
Why are we getting divorced?
We choose the wrong partners . We are looking for a man, guided by formed programs, projections of our family system.
In it we look for those unrealized qualities and actions that we lacked in the parental family model.
Subconsciously, we are looking for, for example, a sense of security or male support - our dad didn’t give us this.
And when we understand that our partner cannot compensate for this need, resentments, claims, and disappointments arise. They alienate us from each other.
The second point is the Electra complex. When a woman chooses a man in the image and likeness of her father. And quite often he does not meet her expectations. A priori, he cannot be like dad.
And this is what happens: the place of the most important man in life has already been taken. It belongs to the father. Conflicts begin.
Your partner does not receive enough love, warmth, or care from you. In your hierarchy he is always in second place. A man feels such competition very keenly, cannot stand it - and the relationship is interrupted.
The relationship has exhausted itself . People like to hide it behind the phrase “They don’t get along.” You met young, you had common interests and views, but then everyone decided to go and develop in their own direction.
That's life. Routine also plays a significant role: not all relationships withstand the test of everyday life. Romance disappears due to arguments over who should take out the trash or cook dinner.
The relationship was toxic . In them, the woman did not feel like a free person. A food processor, a victim, a workhorse, but not a real woman. This outcome most often results from:
- Presence of dependencies. Alcohol, gaming, drugs. A woman takes the position of a rescuer. And over time he realizes that nothing can keep a man from the abyss into which he himself flies.
- Incorrect choice. Often a woman who gets married tries not to notice the bad character traits of her chosen one. She has the attitude “I will change him, re-educate him, he will become better with me.” But time passes, and these annoying qualities do not go away. It's like a tasteless candy in a beautiful wrapper: we open it and are disappointed. And no amount of love or chemistry can save a marriage from divorce.
It is very rare that people immediately form a spiritual and emotional connection.
They bypass the stage of complete disappointment, are freed from expectations and illusions and begin to build relationships with a real person. Not with an ideal image and without hoping to rehabilitate him.
If a woman thinks, “He’s not like that. This is not the person I imagined next to me” - she ends the relationship and resumes her search for “her” man.
Treason . It's not easy to recover from a relationship like this. And divorce becomes a lifeline.
The woman feels devastated and squeezed out; she develops complexes and fears that the situation will repeat itself with another man.
In this situation, it is very important not to transfer your resentment to your children and not to take revenge. The fact that he offended you as a woman should not affect your relationship with your children. They will still have a father, even if he doesn't live with you.
Tests . Sometimes people can't stand them. This category includes financial difficulties, the birth of a child, and taking on new responsibilities. Most often, a woman files for divorce if her ideas about marriage do not coincide with reality. And she can't put up with it.
- She wants to see a caring father in a man, and he spends all weekends fishing or in a sports bar with friends.
- He does not perform male functions, with him she does not feel like a woman - loved, protected, weak.
- He asks her to become a housewife, and the woman is not ready to lock herself within four walls.
It is precisely such disagreements that lead to marriages breaking up. By entering into a union, each of us wants to close our gestalt.
A woman wants to feel support, protection, strength, a man is looking for care, affection, and an established life. If a person does not get what he needs, he leaves the relationship.
Phases of experiencing a breakup
How can a woman survive a divorce? Documented divorce is not actually the beginning of the psychological experiences of the weaker half, because this episode is preceded by a number of steps taken by the couple after the spouse’s decision was announced. As a rule, the very fact of the final signing of all formal papers occurs already in the second critical phase of a woman’s condition, especially if the spouses stopped living together immediately after a difficult conversation.
There are no strict deadlines for any of the four essential stages of a girl’s awareness of her new situation, so how long women who find themselves in a similar situation survive a divorce will depend on many nuances.
Basic women's fears
He won't want to marry because I have children
Is there life after divorce for a woman with children? Definitely! Moreover, there are men who will be very happy to marry a woman with children.
Because for them this is a sign of her fertility, the fulfillment of her natural destiny. Perhaps your partner already has children, so he will accept yours very easily.
No one will need me
The second point is the same program “Nobody needs me with children.” This is a belief created by our mothers, grandmothers, and their education system.
Remember the times when women did not remarry, even if their spouse died. Loneliness was considered the greatest punishment, and the status of “widow” was a stigma. Such women were also avoided by men.
One way or another, we are connected to similar stories. Somewhere in our subconscious we store this negative experience, difficult memories. And if there is such a generic history, the attitude “I am not needed” also emerges.
To change and work through the program, look around: you will see a huge number of men. There are enough representatives of the stronger sex in the world who want to be with you. No matter what.
Look at the diversity of couples: completely different people can be attracted to each other. And appearance, age or number of children is not an indicator at all.
After all, it happens that a beautiful woman cannot find a husband, but a woman who does not particularly bother with her appearance is happy in a relationship. She just has a different worldview - and men feel it.
To transform the negative program and open yourself to new relationships, our course “The Way of a Woman” was created. We will help you find the reason for these beliefs, transform them and create a new formula for a happy, successful, fulfilled woman.
Children won't accept my choice
I know a lot of families that have children from different marriages, and they are very friendly! So allow yourself to consider this option.
There is no need to sacrifice your happiness for fear that your son (daughter) will not accept the new man.
Happy mother - happy children. No matter who she is with, if she is happy, the children will accept it. Yes, conflicts can occur.
At first, children may not accept their mother’s new man; they constantly compare him with their father.
There is one important point: children's jealousy towards their stepfather. A little time will pass and everything will work out.
Realize one truth: it is not necessary to let your children know the true reasons for the divorce, but they should understand that nothing much has changed.
There is a mother nearby who pays a lot of attention to them; if they wish, they can see their father.
When parents are happy, even if they live separately, the children will be much better off than if they were together and made each other unhappy.
Adjustments will depend on age: young children perceive what is happening much calmer; adolescence has its own difficulties.
In adulthood, if the children see that the man is normal, treats them well and like his mother, everything will be fine.
There is a solution in every situation. But if a conflict occurs and you cannot cope on your own, it is very important to contact specialists who will definitely help you in this matter.
Stage 1: Survive the First 90 Days
The first 90 days after a divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you are left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state to being lost. You are lost and don’t know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” has compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after divorce.
Start with a reboot in your own home
Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing it away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things and use the proceeds to buy something you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or that chic four-poster bed.
Organize your home space
Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Every thing has its place,” “Like to like,” and “One thing in the house, one out of the house.” When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Take the time to take before and after photos so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.
Take care of yourself
Get a new hairstyle or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the Internet with simple exercises. Over time, you will get the hang of it and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
Inspect your refrigerator
Throw everything fatty and unhealthy into the trash: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.
Plan activities for every day
In the first months after a divorce, you don’t want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Take courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling blues on Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication and social interaction are one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.
Isolation brings about dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words and actions that we later regret.
Stop whining
Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress levels, use the “gratitude jar” technique. Place a beautiful jar on your bedside table and every evening put a note in it that captures the most positive moment of the day. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
Divorce through the eyes of a woman: two points of view
Wrong
After a divorce, two lines of behavior are most often observed:
- Accusation. “Yes, he’s a goat. How could he leave me”? Anger, resentment, anger directed at this man. An aggressive line of behavior, which is based on the fact that the best defense is attack.
- The position of the victim. A woman becomes depressed, gives up, and develops numerous complexes. “I will remain lonely, no one will need me,” “Who will marry me with children”? Self-flagellation, humiliation and devaluation of oneself.
Both options are not resource-based. Because if the breakup has already occurred, that’s good. At a minimum, you are free and ready to open a new page in life, move to another stage.
Right
Analyze and understand what led to this situation. It is important to contact specialists, since the woman is in a state of stress and hormonal attack. She simply cannot think adequately and rationally. She needs an assistant, a guide.
The exception is if the divorce was a verified, mature decision. Both partners came to an agreement and everything happened easily.
The signs and conditions of divorce are the same as those of trauma from the loss of a loved one. A specialist will help you navigate these stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).
It’s better to do without “couch” psychologists – friends with a bottle of wine. For a while you abstract yourself from your problems, but this is unlikely to be the help you need.
Therefore, come to our “Woman’s Path” program, where you will receive high-quality tools and instructions from experts on how to get out of these conditions.
You need to go through two stages:
Stage 1 . Do I understand why I chose such a man? What parental program is working and ruining my life? What actions did I take that led to the collapse of the relationship?
Stage 2 . Restoring your feminine essence. Normalizing self-esteem, regaining your energy, finding a resource that will help you manage your life.
Understand an important thing: it does not happen that only one party is to blame in a divorce. Relationships are always a 50/50 responsibility. Equal contribution of men and women.
In the “Woman’s Path” course, we will help you deal with the programs of the past and return to a resourceful state, recover and learn to choose men who are suitable for you to create harmonious relationships.
When should you limit your ex-spouse?
What I mean here is when your spouse negatively influences you and your children. It is possible and necessary to take tough measures. By the way, the law recognizes the following reasons as valid.
- Alcohol or drug addiction
- Immoral lifestyle
- Psychological or physical abuse of a child
- Insulting mother
How to limit my husband's parental rights? When getting a divorce, you only need to provide at least one of the points as proof.
There is another side to the coin. Some women put up with the above facts. They are afraid of divorce, for years they endure either an alcoholic husband or a tyrant husband. In these cases, you need to part without regrets. Read how to properly survive this difficult test in my articles under the heading “Life after a breakup.”
So, I urge you once again, my dears. Resolve conflicts in a civilized manner and within the law, of course. Well, advice to those who are married: stop limiting your husband over any trifle, but rather spend time on self-development. More details in my new article “Male and female freedom: harm and benefits for relationships.”
Girls, please write comments. Do you think it is necessary to restrict your ex-husband after a divorce? And what exactly?
Work on mistakes
If we have ended a relationship, it is important to understand our mistakes. Ask yourself questions: “What was I wrong about?”, “Based on what scenario did I choose such a partner?”
After all, we often see the problem only in the man, and we do not notice our internal blocks, attitudes, and parental systems. And we take out the accumulated negativity on our husband or children.
It is important not to step on the same rake, not to make the same mistakes. We need to analyze what went wrong in the relationship?
And you can start with the free course “Man: Honest Instructions.” After all, without knowing the principles on which relationships are built, the fundamentals of psychology, it is very difficult to independently identify the true reasons for the destruction of a marriage.
For example, a woman had an excellent relationship with her dad: he was her friend, adviser, and closest person. This may be related to his past.
He had a woman before his mother, with whom the relationship remained unfinished. And he transferred these feelings to his daughter, she took them into her relationship with a man - and therefore her marriage ended in divorce.
A man as a partner can build harmonious relationships only with a mature person.
- A woman should have knowledge of her purpose.
- What are its strengths and weaknesses.
- What does she want from life?
She must respect and value herself - then these feelings will be projected onto other people.
When a woman says “I gave him everything I could. I sacrificed the best years of my life” – where is the respect here? This is a typical sacrificial position. A sacrifice no one asked for.
In relationships there is always a reason why we don't hear each other. We grew up in different systems, with different attitudes.
His mother was a great cook, but you hate standing at the stove. Your dad always found time to be with his beloved daughter, but a man prefers to pay off with gifts.
Each partner subconsciously wants to see that part of the past that he is missing. You have a different love language.
For relationships, it is very important to lovingly do what the other person likes, without devaluing yourself. We weren't taught this. We saw the sacrifice of our mothers and grandmothers, who devoted their lives to their husbands and children, and lost their feminine energy.
And we live with the same attitude. And the man says: “I want to see the woman I married. Whose eyes sparkled, who inspired and attracted me. I don’t need a submissive victim.”
When a woman gets married, she often changes. She begins to demand, expects that the man will belong only to her, that he will change for her sake.
A man belongs to the world. And when he feels free, he belongs to you. Stop being afraid of losing him, don't control him, don't impose yourself - and he won't get away from you.
Become free, fulfilled, cheerful, light. If you have value, dignity, self-sufficiency, self-confidence, you will never allow a man to humiliate you.
You will not enter into a toxic relationship, you will not attract a tyrant or a doormat. You need to learn this - then there will be much fewer divorces.
Conscious suffering
From the numerous stories of women who have undergone divorce, it is clear that the next phase, when the abandoned wife begins to fully understand what happened, is a time of mental anguish and torment. This stage has little to do with introspection, but already contains attempts to “recognize trouble in person.”
A woman experiences feelings of guilt and aggression at the same time, tries to find those to blame for the breakdown of relationships, and often during this period breaks family and friendly ties with people, in her opinion, involved in the tragedy. The second phase is characterized by the following:
- self-deprecation of the individual;
- feeling resentful towards everyone;
- hysterical emotional outbursts;
- conscious reduction in the standard of one’s life (“self-flagellation”).
This phase usually takes from two to four months, unless the woman chooses alcohol or other means of oblivion as a solution to the problem, prolonging the torment indefinitely.
The end of the stage of “conscious suffering,” as psychologists have found, comes with a woman’s understanding of a simple truth - both in the formation of relationships and in their destruction, the efforts of both partners are always involved. This means that it is wrong to blame only yourself for what happened.
You are not the same as your ex. How to communicate with your ex-partner? + Practice
After a divorce, many women prohibit men from communicating with children because it is difficult for them to be around their ex-husband.
This behavior is relevant if the divorce was difficult, with insults, quarrels, scandals, and now the woman wants to take out negative emotions on her ex-husband, to cause him pain. This is a big mistake, because children are the first to suffer from such a decision.
Dad is part of the child's life because he gave him this life.
Therefore, the first step to a healthy family is forgiveness. As a rule, it takes a woman about a year to calm down and adapt to the situation.
We need this time to process the trauma of loss. Recognize your feelings, express grievances, complaints, pain, but the child should not participate in this.
Remember: there are no ex-husbands. It happens first, second, third and so on.
Agree with your spouse to meet on neutral territory, under someone else's supervision. If it is difficult for you to see a man, you can ask your parents or friends to drop off and pick up your child at first.
But you definitely need to work on your conditions in order to communicate with a man calmly. When you have a feeling of completion, acceptance, forgiveness, this will have a beneficial effect on the child.
The son (daughter) will develop the right attitude towards life. After all, his worldview is formed from your attitude towards his father.
If you don’t accept the man, blame him, hate him, you are killing this part in your child, because you don’t like dad’s traits (appearance, character) in him.
Therefore, it is very important to learn to treat former partners with gratitude. After all, your feelings for your ex-husband are what your child will feel for himself.
Practice
Imagine your husband in front of you. His image down to the smallest detail. Now listen to your feelings. How does the body react when you see it?
Ask yourself “What do I want to do?” - the first thing that comes to mind. Hit, scream or maybe hug? Or turn away and walk away, never to be seen again?
Tell this person “I'm sorry this happened. I'm in pain, I'm lonely. But no one is to blame.” And listen, what is changing inside?
And after that, learn to say “Thank you” to him. You say “thank you” not specifically to this person, but to that part in your heart that has been around in the form of your husband for so many years.
By blaming him every day you beat yourself up. When you learn to thank for the valuable things he taught you, what he gave you, for the experience, even for the pain, you will gradually heal.
How to cope?
To survive a breakup, you need not only inner strength and conscious desire, but also the care of loved ones. The duration of emotional attachment to a former partner directly depends on the combination and quality of these factors.
There are several tips that will help you understand what happened and find the strength to move on:
- accept what happened as a given, do not console yourself with false hopes;
- stop looking for meetings with your ex, write or call him, check his status on social networks;
- take care of yourself – figure, health, skin, hair, nails, style;
- fulfill an old dream - to move, go on a trip, jump with a parachute;
- don't be alone;
- highlight the positive aspects of the breakup.
In addition, you can remember what exactly you didn’t like about your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Perhaps there are many negative aspects that you managed to get rid of after breaking up.
This video will show you how to cope with a breakup with your loved one:
The first steps towards your real self. Healing after divorce
Recommended steps that are important to take in relation to yourself are:
- Take time for yourself . Fill yourself with feminine energy. And the most important thing is to support our physical body; it retains stress for a long time. Therefore, in this situation, massages, wraps, acupuncture, swimming, travel and anti-stress therapy can help.
- Make yourself beautiful. Love yourself . Contact a makeup artist or hairdresser, change your image, choose suitable clothes. Many women change their haircut frequently. By cutting off the length of your hair, you get rid of the burden of the past and renew yourself. And this works too.
- Analyze feelings . Claims, pain, resentment can be transformed with the help of art therapy (singing, drawing, dancing). You need to occupy your consciousness with something filling, while simultaneously working through the pain that is inside you. But if your feelings are so strong that you cannot get yourself off the couch, you need the help of a specialist.
To achieve the state of a fulfilled woman after you have adapted to changes in your life, you need to use the following tools:
- Surround yourself with resourceful people. Those who live a full life will inspire you and give you the necessary motivation.
- Find new activities. Which will enrich your inner world. Create new habits.
- Develop your femininity through trainings and practices. Contact those who know a lot about this.
Changes in body + consciousness + emotions are the path to a new you.
And as soon as you find harmony with yourself, you will be able to attract worthy men into your life. Start a new relationship without repeating mistakes. Alla Demidenko, Growth Phase
Let's sum it up
So, let’s summarize how to start a new life after a divorce from your husband. Remember and follow the rules:
- Set a time frame for tears and suffering. We say: “In two weeks I will return to normal life.”
- Plan each day with enjoyable activities.
- Communicate with friends, family, children, colleagues.
- Conduct an honest self-analysis so you don't repeat the same mistakes.
- Don't be afraid of new relationships.
Forget age. Love yourself. Enjoy an unexpected gift of fate: freedom and independence. A confident, self-sufficient woman’s personal life is bound to improve.
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