Just yesterday it seemed that love would last forever, that every day of life together would be filled with happiness and nothing would overshadow it. And, like a bolt from the blue... Divorce. The feelings that both sides experience are sometimes beyond words. This is both resentment and misunderstanding of what happened, and sometimes even love that has not yet faded away. It is generally accepted that only women experience the situation of divorce painfully. The psychology of a man after a divorce is based on his desire to radically change his life.
Peculiarities of a man's behavior after a divorce
The first sensations of a divorced man are associated with a feeling of freedom. And, above all, freedom from negative memories of the divorce process. Everything he worried about during this not at all cloudless period of his life was left behind. And now... Peace. Life for today. No need to prove anything. The behavior of a man at this stage is characterized by the following signs:
- The divorced man does not regret anything; on the contrary, he believes that this is how the relationship, which had become painful for both parties, should have ended.
- As a rule, a man considers himself the victim. And, even if the reason for the divorce lies in him and his attitude towards the family, he is sure that his wife is the cornerstone in the current situation.
- Due to the absence of a sense of personal guilt, a representative of the stronger half of humanity shifts the blame for the breakdown of family relationships onto the shoulders of the ex-wife.
- He looks confidently into the future. Past mistakes have been analyzed and left behind in family life.
- Memories of the past irritate the ex-spouse.
Control your behavior
Now you belong to yourself and take care of yourself: do not forget about your health, do not neglect your work, everyday life, try not to develop bad habits. Remember that any experience, like a disease, has stages of exacerbation and decline.
No matter how strong negative emotions are, sooner or later they will weaken and stop poisoning your life. In the meantime, until a prosperous period has arrived, you will have to brighten up reality on your own: try to find an interesting hobby, communicate more with people, go for walks, if possible, at least go out of town.
Of course, in moments when you feel hopeless, you will not want to take any action. But remember, this will only prolong this condition. And if you want everything to get better faster, you need to start working on yourself. The choice is yours.
Stages of psychological state after divorce2
Experts have identified several stages characteristic of a man’s psychology after a divorce:
- Denial stage
A man cannot believe that the divorce proceedings are over, and his wife, with whom he has lived for many years, is now a stranger. Some enjoy freedom and the opportunity to live as they please. And some are slightly confused because they did not realize such a result of the resolution of the situation, naively believing that they would be reconciled.
- Anger stage
The man, having come to terms with the situation, learns to live independently. But sometimes he experiences an attack of inexplicable anger, the object of which can be any person nearby.
- Bidding stage
It would seem that the man got what he was striving for. But loneliness torments and gives no rest. The thought of reconciliation with his ex-wife increasingly comes to his mind. Analyzing the years they lived together, he begins to understand that not everything was so bad in their marital relationship. The man seems to be bargaining with himself. But these thoughts disappear as suddenly as they appear.
- Stage of depression
The most dangerous stage in the life of a single man. It was not possible to save the family. I don’t want to think about new relationships yet. Every day is eerily similar to the previous one. There is a high probability of a depressive state, from which it can be difficult to get out.
- Acceptance stage
This stage can be considered the recovery stage. The man realized his mistakes and, having analyzed them, is ready for a new relationship, which by that time he had drawn in his imagination.
Maintain relationships with children
Even if contact with your ex-wife is lost, you should not forget about your children. Moreover, you did not quarrel with them. At any age, a child may find it difficult to cope with the separation of his parents and be offended by both.
In this case, you need to try to explain that divorce is not such a bad thing, because mom and dad were not happy together and made such a decision so as not to quarrel with each other anymore. You can apologize to your son or daughter for the fact that there will still be no family as it was before, but note that this will not affect the children’s communication with their parents.
Once the relationship is established, you need to think about how exactly you will spend time with your children. Everything is individual here, but if there are no clear plans, you can think about sharing a hobby, going on trips to nature, watching movies/series at home, cooking together, or even playing sports.
Dream one4
Hooray! Freedom! A man enjoys the opportunity to live as he sees fit, without obligations and unnecessary problems.
But the realities turn out to be less rosy than he expected. All household little things for caring for himself fall on his own shoulders (when his wife was busy with this, he did not notice them). Along with everyday disorder comes a feeling of abandonment and uselessness.
Him and his children
Put off talking about his or your children for now. If you discuss this topic at the beginning of a relationship, the foundation between you will not have time to build. Try to be as sensitive as possible when he talks about his children. The wisest position of a woman: “These are your children, part of you, I accept this fact.” You shouldn’t promise on the first dates that you will become their best friend or mother. You haven’t been accepted into the family yet, why rush the topic?
Do not demand promises from a man to take care of your children: support them, protect them and entertain them. He doesn't have to do this as soon as he gets to know you. Take a break. If the relationship works out, he will take on these responsibilities himself.
Second dream5
The new chosen one will be very different from the ex-wife. All her thoughts will be aimed at surprising her lover with unearthly sex, gourmet cuisine, comfort and coziness.
In reality, a new friend, even if she was white and fluffy at the meeting stage, very soon shows her true colors. Material requirements were added to personal characteristics, outlook on life, and habits. The man understands that he will not be able to maintain the bar he raised during the candy-bouquet period for long, either physically or materially. The result is reproaches and exorbitant demands. The fact becomes clear that much of what he was running from in his previous marriage overtook him in his current relationship.
How to cope with your wife's departure
Do you want to get over your wife's departure as quickly as possible? It all depends on the situation, if your loved one has left:
To another
The conclusion is obvious: you didn’t suit your wife, it would have happened anyway. It is much better to go through this now than after a few more years of relationship. If she left now, there would be no chance later. This woman needs another man - which means you are also destined for another person. You were simply mistaken about each other - find the strength to admit it.
Due to financial difficulties
There is a possibility that the wife will return once her financial situation improves. Promises and persuasion will not bring her back - in the end the situation will repeat itself. It is necessary to think about how to improve your financial situation - not only for the sake of your ex-wife. You are afraid that while you are sorting things out, your spouse will find another man. Well, you won’t be a loser - you will have money.
Due to sexual incompatibility
If incompatibility is insurmountable, do not torture each other. Let your wife build family happiness with a person who suits her in everything. Don't miss the chance to find a life partner with whom you will be compatible. It is much easier to find a suitable partner than to break yourself over someone for whom you are, in fact, not suitable.
Because of treason
Depends on whose betrayal. Have you changed? Your wife has the right not to forgive you, and you must accept this. Did she cheat? The question is whether she wants to return. If yes, then think about why she did this. If your relationship is dear to her, then what prompted her to have a relationship on the side? Is this part of your fault? What does your inner voice tell you? Most often, betrayals tend to repeat themselves - if they happen, it is better to come to terms with the fact that the person is not yours.
If there is a child
Having a child presupposes the most civilized divorce possible. No matter how much hatred you feel towards your ex-wife, your child should not suffer because of this. Take an active part in the life of your son (daughter) - devote time, take care financially. Be a support and support, despite the breakdown of the family.
Dream three6
The new passion will satisfy the partner’s wildest sexual fantasies.
In fact, it turns out that intimate relationships with a new partner, which only at first seemed brighter than with the former wife, do not bring the expected joy. And sometimes, in an effort to show himself as a true macho in front of a new passion, a man drives himself into a corner, when there is neither strength nor internal uplift, but only a growing feeling of fatigue and moral exhaustion.
Parting, essentially being a stressful situation for both spouses, proves that a man’s psychology after a divorce is no less vulnerable than a woman’s. Therefore, here is some free advice for you: take care of your families. Spare yourself and your spouse unnecessary tears and suffering.
Typical mistakes of men during a divorce from their wife
Mistakes when breaking up
:
Communication with ex-wife
Rule: do not write, do not call, do not seek meetings. If you have a child, then resolve the issue of visits. Everything else is superfluous. If you want to forget this marriage faster, completely stop communicating with your spouse, if possible. It will be difficult, but healing will come faster.
You should create a kind of information vacuum. How it's done? You are not looking for any contact with the woman who has become the past. Also, you don’t look for her on social networks, don’t look at her photos, don’t analyze her posts. Don’t try to find out anything about her from mutual friends - they’ll tell her and you’ll look pathetic. Let your emotions weaken, rid yourself of informational influence. Move on to other things. The task is difficult to complete and failures are possible.
Alcoholic drinks
When trying to switch, make the right choice. Losing yourself in a drunken or drug-induced stupor is a huge mistake, a path to self-destruction. At first, bad habits work. But would a worthy man choose such a path? Or do you want your ex to make sure that you are unworthy of her? This method can be used once or twice with friends - you speak out and start a new life. Becoming an alcoholic is not necessary.
Participation of outsiders
Don't drag other people into your problems. Leave your complaints and experiences for your personal diary. A particularly utopian path: telling how terrible the former chosen one is, trying to rise above her background. Why is this? You are a man, not a gossip. It is enough to speak out to those closest to you, if otherwise it is impossible to pull yourself together. The rest are unlikely to be interested in your problems. The pain of parting will dull, but you will remain a sufferer in the eyes of your friends.
Talking about your ex-wife in a negative way
Resentment and anger are destructive feelings. What are they leading to? To unnecessary words and actions. Many men humiliate themselves by insulting their previous choice - their ex-wife. What can you say about a person who says disgusting things about someone with whom there were many happy, unforgettable days, with whom there was a common life and bed?
Your revelations will humiliate your former lover, but you will be humiliated no less. Usually people are annoyed by such complaints and cause internal negativity not towards the subject of discussion, but towards the person discussing.
Jump into a new relationship immediately
A typical mistake of women and men. Deal with the past - look for the future. Reason for looking for a new relationship? Revenge of the ex. A fleeting desire that later causes regret. Fake relationships are acquired, occupying a major milestone in life, leading to new stress.
Casual sex is distracting at first and increases self-esteem. It is important to stop in time - before the moment when new faces cause boredom and devastation. Casual relationships occur with easily accessible individuals. Why bring a string of unworthy women into life? It's better to sleep alone than with such ladies. Take a break from the opposite sex, take care of yourself: appearance, self-development.
Self-flagellation
Destructive feeling. It's normal to feel guilty. You take responsibility for yourself - commendable for a man. Relationships are the work of two people, responsibility is shared. Be honest with yourself, analyze what happened. What contribution did you make to the divorce? What is she to blame? A thorough analysis will provide the answers. If you are truly at fault, apologize sincerely. Self-flagellation is unnecessary.
Mistake #6. Hoping for perfect sex
You shouldn’t paint rosy pictures of sexual exploits with his participation. Sex is impulsive, short-term, sex with a “coming” partner is not at all like marital sex. With my wife there is an “adjustment” - psychological and biological, the second is even more important. Although there is no particular attraction to each other (after several years of marriage), the bodies of the husband and wife have “adapted” to each other at the level of biorhythms, arousal occurs quickly, without lengthy foreplay, intimacy occurs in a stereotypical manner, the level of pleasure is high, and release is achieved in 4-5 minutes, warns the famous sexologist Alexander Poleev.
What to do: be aware that erotic fantasies and life are two different things. To receive pleasure, at least minimal emotional attachment is required, and for both partners.
How to let go of grievances, stop suffering and start living in a new way?
It is quite difficult to immediately accept that a breakup has occurred. There will be emotions of resentment, anger, sadness, misunderstanding why this happened. Working with your inner state is a complex and volitional process.
What to do if you break up with your loved one:
- analyze your psychological state, at what stage of grief you are at;
- understand that every person has the right to choose - if a woman left, it was her decision, you cannot force a person to be with you if he does not want it;
- stop blaming yourself for what is happening - relationships are built by two people and, most likely, there were mistakes on both sides;
- keeping yourself busy with something is one of the effective ways to get rid of negative emotions - physical activity, you don’t have to put too much strain on yourself, you can go to the pool, jogging, cycling;
- find an activity that will distract from negative thoughts - a hobby, devote more time to work;
- give yourself a good rest so that you have maximum positive emotions.
Do not dwell on your own suffering, digesting the events that happened again and again. When negative thoughts arise, tell yourself “stop” and change them to positive ones.
Mistake #3. Assume that you are his only one
There are no divorced men in the world, excluding those, of course, who are no longer interested in the physical side of love, who would immediately exchange one woman (ex-wife) for another. Typically this sex list is significantly longer for two reasons. Firstly, there is a need for diversity - what if somewhere there is a woman with even more temperament, with even longer legs? Secondly, the “emptiness” in the heart is “filled” in a variety of ways - meeting first one, then another, then a third - the main thing is not to be alone - one of them.
What to do: don’t create illusions, but it’s better not to rush into bed with him. In one and a half to two years, the number of mistresses in his bed will be reduced to a minimum.
Tricky tricks to make a long distance shorter
The main obstacle in a relationship with a divorced man is past bad experiences. He has not yet removed the broken glasses of perception of women. It is important to be able to derive it from the previous scenario. Use feminine cunning and ingenuity: do everything differently and be different.
Is he used to short messages? Write him a paper letter and send it by mail! Did his wife wear black lingerie? Buy red or blue, any other that he is not used to. Does he like to order meat at restaurants? Offer to try seafood.
If you want to send him long messages, but he is already familiar with it, use a simple trick. As soon as you feel the urge to write, open your notebook and write down the main text in it. Paper will endure anything. And send him a sweet “I’m thinking about you.” He will appreciate your brevity.
Remember: a relationship with a divorced man is a long-distance race. And if you distribute resources correctly, you can stay together all your life.
Divorced man: myths and reality
The image of a divorced man all over the world is associated with a huge number of myths about how to communicate with divorced men, how they feel and what they are like. All of them were created by women themselves. And the more myths there are, the more attractive such men are in our eyes.
- It’s easier to find someone who has no experience of a serious relationship. If you are looking for a guy under 25, then it’s possible. But men over thirty without a stamp in their passport are almost exotic. Therefore, sooner or later a divorced person will appear on your path.
- Something is wrong with him. You will probably hear this phrase from your friends, family and colleagues if you tell them that your partner is divorced. The arguments for this myth are often funny - “He’s good, his wife wouldn’t just let him go,” “He definitely did something,” “He’s probably a walker,” and other phrases will fly at you like hail.
Most likely, this myth arose because women most often spread information about divorce. Men perceive divorce as a defeat and do not like to talk about it. Therefore, you should not follow your family’s lead and break up, especially if your feelings are serious.
About divorced people
- Wasn't married - wasn't married. In fact, the stamp in the passport has no effect on the psychological consequences of the breakup. Especially if the civil marriage lasted a long time and the couple has children together.
- We urgently need to find out from him the reason for the divorce. Under no circumstances question yourself or arrange an interrogation. Of course, it is necessary to do reconnaissance. Carefully ask the family or friends of your crush about events that interest you. On the one hand, they cannot know everything in detail, but on the other hand, you will have an objective picture of what happened, albeit in general terms. If suddenly they share with you stories about alcohol addiction, domestic violence, infidelity, unwillingness or inability to provide for a family, childfree principles - pay attention to this and think about it. In time, he will tell everything. In this case, it is important not to turn into a vest for tears and behave as tactfully as possible. But whatever you hear, don’t rely only on his words.
- If he scolds his ex in every possible way, he loves you very much. This delusion is probably the fruit of our pride, and perhaps jealousy of the one who came first. In reality, everything is simpler. If he didn't love the woman he divorced, he won't remember her. If he often scolds her or remembers her, this may mean either a great resentment, or that he misses this woman.
- He will be faithful only to you. Let's just say that statistics show that in the first year a male who has escaped to freedom starts at least two, or even three, light affairs. You simply shouldn’t expect loyalty from a man who is disappointed in women and relationships. This, of course, does not mean that everything is exactly like this in your case, but it won’t hurt to be vigilant.
- He is immediately ready to formalize the relationship. There is some logic in this statement. A man who has already been to the registry office once knows what is what, and will not be afraid to go there again. But at this stage it is unlikely that your chosen one will rush there again. At least for the next year or two. This is explained by the fact that he is probably tired of family troubles and problems, and, alas, they cannot be avoided. In addition, if the marriage lasted a long time, the man may suffer from so-called delayed depression. It can occur either a month after the divorce or a year or two. If you have time “in reserve” and you are absolutely sure that this is your man, be patient and try to create the easy relationship that he so needs now. Psychologists advise not to agree to formalize a relationship with a divorced man immediately, even if at least a year passes after the divorce process.
Divorced - If he is divorced, it is forever. Those same stubborn statistics show that out of ten divorced men, one in three constantly visits their family in order to provide the necessary help or simply spend time with their children and, accordingly, with their wife. And every eighth person decides to return to the family they once left.
- You will be better than his previous wife in his eyes. First, think about why you need this and will he appreciate it? After all, this position has many pitfalls, for example, you risk getting into trouble by trying to cook a certain dish better than “she”. Or turn into the same vest for complaints, trying to be more understanding and more sympathetic. In addition, you have a good chance of simply getting lost in her shadow, because every fifth divorced man claims that his ex-wife is better than his new one. Therefore, you shouldn’t ask what he didn’t like in his previous family and go out of his way to do better. Have an honest conversation with your partner and explain that you don't want to do certain things and be yourself.
- A divorced man is committed to a serious relationship. This is true. A divorced man knows about all the joys and hardships of family life and, if he has already decided to marry a second time, then he is ready to meet them fully armed. He has formed a realistic vision of relationships, he knows that relationships need to be worked on, that there are various not entirely pleasant situations and difficulties. But he also knows that the game is worth the candle, because together it is much better and easier to overcome all this.
- The wife is to blame. The truth here is simple - no breakup can be blamed on one person. It doesn’t really matter whether you are happy or getting divorced - your share and your partner’s share are in everything. If your divorced partner, when talking about the divorce, later blames his ex-wife for everything, this is a kind of alarm bell that speaks of his stupidity and stubbornness.
Women come up with many myths - He's a sex god. A man’s long and constant sexual experience makes women imagine him as a kind of hero-lover, whose sexual adventures are the stuff of legends. In fact, you shouldn’t expect enchanting nights from him, at least at first. Sexologists claim that when living together for a long time, the body of a man and a woman’s body adapt to each other so much that in order to get pleasure they do not need poses from the Kama Sutra. Sex in marriage is banal and release occurs within three to five minutes. And often after a divorce, men begin to experience depression, which can be accompanied by erectile dysfunction.
- Nobody needs a man with an extra weight. People usually call children from their first marriage “makeweight,” citing the belief that a man will give a third of his income to another family. In fact, if a man doesn’t do this, then you should think about it. Psychologists say that children and the attitude towards them are an excellent litmus test by which a real man can be seen.
Mistake #7. Give up on him or place all hopes on him
65% of men will remarry within the next five years, while the vast majority of them do not regret the divorce, but are convinced that their first wife was better. Another 15% get married between five and ten years after the divorce. The remaining 20% create a new family only after twenty or more years. This group of men, together with those who did not initially start a family, doom 30, and in some cities - 33% of completely worthy representatives of the fair sex, to loneliness.
What to do: be patient and do not refuse to meet other potential suitors. Firstly, the man did not destroy his family in order to soon start a new one; he wants to enjoy freedom, including sexual freedom. He needs time to create a new family; if you rush him, you will destroy the relationship. Secondly, do not blame yourself if you have one (two, three) more admirers - what if the statistics are not on your side, and this particular man will be among those who do not marry for a very long time after a divorce?
Mistake #5. Get a feeling of guilt
Even if a divorced man is a person with pronounced bad habits and other shortcomings, there will always be potential brides who are ready to justify him: “The first wife didn’t understand him - but I understand, she didn’t appreciate him - but I will, she didn’t create the conditions for him , and I..." and the like. Such women are in danger of developing a strong sense of guilt on this basis, warns famous psychotherapist Nikolai Naritsyn. After all, if your divorced friend is an alcoholic, a spendthrift, a miser, a sadist and the like, do not convince yourself that it was his wife who made him like this, but I, they say, will change him... This is almost impossible.
What to do: stop trying to “remake” a man “for yourself.”
