Often, “single” means someone who doesn’t have a partner. But without a relationship, it is quite possible not to feel lonely. This concept should not be confused with solitude. The latter is just a way to take a break from communication, devote time to your own affairs, hobbies, and be alone with yourself. At any moment you can get out of this state and turn to someone you care about.
Real loneliness is a painful feeling: you have no one to talk to about what worries you; no one in the whole world seems to be able to understand; lack of recognition and approval. The number of acquaintances does not affect this feeling in any way - the presence of trusting close relationships is more important. But you just can’t establish an emotional connection with people from your environment.
What to do if this, to put it mildly, unpleasant feeling overtakes you?
Take a closer look at your surroundings and find your “pack.” It may turn out that the team in which you spend most of your time simply does not suit you: no one shares your interests, no one to talk to heart to heart, no one to ask for advice. Do you recognize yourself? Then it's time to take matters into your own hands. Try to make new acquaintances with those with whom you have similar hobbies. This way there is a greater chance of matching both in values and ideals, and in the end becoming truly good friends.
What is our “critical inner voice”?
This “critical inner voice” exists in all of us, constantly reminding us that we are not good enough and do not deserve what we want. In her book Yes Please, comedian Amy Poehler described this internal enemy as "the voice of the demon." She wrote: “This very patient and determined demon shows up in your bedroom one day and refuses to leave. You are six, twelve or fifteen, and you look in the mirror and hear a voice so terrible that it takes your breath away. He tells you that you are fat and ugly and don't deserve love. And the worst thing is that the demon is your own voice.”
The critical inner voice in some of us tends to be louder and angrier than in others, and tends to pester us more or less at different points in our lives. However, one thing is certain. As long as we listen to this dangerous critic distorting our reality, we cannot truly trust our own perception of what others think of us.
Most likely, it is this destructive “voice” that we hear every time we say to ourselves: “Nobody likes me.” This voice also teaches us to avoid situations where we might get to know people. It makes us shut up in social situations, makes us nervous, so we don't act like ourselves. It confuses us with its constant stream of self-deprecating observations and self-limiting advice, leaving us anxious and depressed. In turn, it takes us out of shape in a way that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we lose confidence or self-esteem, we no longer act like ourselves. We may even achieve the outcome that our critical inner voice warned us about, feeling isolated or having difficulty communicating with others. “Be quiet,” the voice barks. “You will only disgrace yourself! Can't you see how stupid you are? Nobody wants you around. You don't add anything. Just be alone! Stop trying. NOBODY LIKES YOU!”
Of course, the critical inner voice is not perceived as a real voice speaking to us. It can be a very subconscious and integral part of our thought process, making it difficult to recognize. Sometimes it acts as a thin, darkened filter through which we perceive the world. When someone doesn't look us in the eyes, they say, “See? He doesn't like you. He can tell there's something wrong with you." When a friend doesn't answer us right away, he says, “I wonder what she's thinking. Maybe she's mad at you. You were left out."
By the time the critical inner voice proves why we are such a failure or no one cares about us, we have lost touch with reality and blindly move forward, believing every negative thought about ourselves that voice told us. We are so quick to indulge his statements that we mistake them for our real point of view. This can make it very difficult to notice that this voice has seeped in, and even more difficult to separate its sadistic instructions from our true perceptions. So the best way to start combating your critical inner voice is to do two things: identify when it's active and understand where it's coming from.
No one will ask you not to quit halfway
No matter what activity we are talking about. No one will try to persuade you, because this is not someone else’s business, but yours. Making an effort to change your mind means taking responsibility. Subconsciously or consciously, people do not want to take such a burden on their shoulders. Everyone has their own worries, you know. So don’t wait for someone to come and give you advice—act your own way. Or do nothing.
We spend too much time on such empty expectations. All this is dictated by uncertainty, a thirst for confirmation of our thoughts from the outside. In such situations, one simple thought will help: if you make up your mind, don’t doubt it, and if you doubt it, don’t make up your mind. These words should not be used everywhere. Sometimes you need to act in spite of doubts.
Where does the “voice” come from that “nobody likes me”?
The critical inner voice begins to form very early in our lives. It builds on any hurtful negativity we were exposed to as children, especially from serious caregivers. For example, if a parent viewed us as lazy, helpless, or troublemakers, we tend to internalize these attitudes on an unconscious level throughout our lives. We also tend to be influenced by how our parents felt about themselves: if they were socially awkward or had low self-esteem, we adopt some of their self-critical perceptions as our own. Add to this the many other social experiences we have had where we felt humiliated, ashamed or rejected (a teacher who humiliated us in front of class, a bully at school who humiliated us every day) and we can see how our inner critic.
What can we learn from non-Orthodox people?
When asked about the possibility of dialogue with Protestants, Father Tikhon answered decisively:
-I have no opinion about the possibility of religious dialogue, because I think that it is very dangerous, due to the fact that Protestants are constantly dragging us into these circles of some syncretic common religion. Even when they say they don’t want it, they still drag it in - this is their missionary component.
But we can learn a lot from Protestants. Remember Tyutchev? “I’m a Lutheran and I love worship.” Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov told us clearly and clearly: The Church of Christ is the Orthodox Church. What the Catholic Church is, the Protestant Church, we don’t know. We know that these are Christian societies, and I have no doubt about that. The question of their salvation is also absolutely beyond my competence.
From the Pskov-Pechersky Monastery I came abroad completely wild and shied away from Catholics. And then one day I was brought to a meeting with young people. This was 90-91. I saw the same young faces as here, and even younger ones - sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old guys. I heard from conversations that these were real Christians, as I understood it. I asked their priest: “How do you keep them? Such a sea of temptations in the Western world! Why don't they give in to temptation? Why are they such staunch real Christians?”
The Catholic priest looked at me like I was an idiot and said: “Yes, because they love Christ more than all these temptations.”
How to deal with isolation and loneliness
The critical inner voice greatly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness and social anxiety. As Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote in her article, “Ending Loneliness.” “It’s helpful to realize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is essentially lying to us.” Loneliness is not necessarily a problem; it is a filter of seeing yourself as lonely that needs to be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to see the world differently. There are even certain structural and biochemical differences in the brain of a lonely person. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion instead of inclusion. In other words, we are more likely to notice one time when someone doesn't invite us than five times before. Another effect is timidity. We may act timid with others, making it difficult to have clear or relaxed exchanges that lead to positive social outcomes.
Finally, loneliness can lead to misremembering. So, when we think back on our days, we may distort what people told us or how interactions happened in ways that perpetuate the perception of ourselves as isolated.
As loneliness researcher Dr. John T. Cacioppo said: “Lonely people are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations, and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, aversive way, thereby confirming their perception of the world as threatening.” and not subject to them." Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we begin to perceive the world as threatening or unaccepting, we are more likely to act in ways that alienate or alienate others. So, once again, to challenge our loneliness, we must challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We must accept our critical inner voice.
Overcoming the Critical Inner Voice
Once we honestly admit that we are coming from this inner critic, we can begin to separate it from our real point of view. We may notice times when it seeps in and interferes with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We can then recognize how this destructive thought process affects our actions. How does my inner critic actually change my behavior?
There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. These steps include a method developed by psychologist and author of Master Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Robert Firestone, known as voice therapy.
Step One: Find Out What Your Inner Critic Is Telling You
Start to notice when your thought process changes and your inner critic begins to invade your mind. Maybe you're on a date and it starts with, “She doesn't even like you. Why are you wasting your time? You might be in a meeting and when you finally speak, you have this thought: “You're not making any sense. Everyone is looking at you. They want you to just shut up." It is important to understand what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice tells you in those moments.
As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, such as: “I’m so boring. Nobody likes me". Then, next to these voices, write down thoughts in the form of “you” statements. “You're so boring. Nobody likes you." This actually helps you begin to compartmentalize and see the voice as the enemy rather than yourself.
Step 2. Think about where this critical attitude comes from.
When people record or speak their voices out loud, they sometimes understand where these evil thoughts come from. Many people even begin to imagine that the voice is coming from someone in their life, such as their parents, who were always worried that they would never make friends. Identifying where your voices were originally formed can help you practice self-compassion and differentiate these old relationships from your current reality.
Step Three: Return to Your Critical Inner Voice
This may seem difficult, and this step is often the hardest for people, but it is important that you stand up for yourself. Voice or record a response to your critical inner voice. You should strive to see your good friend from the perspective you would like to have. Write down a more compassionate and realistic response to your vocal attack, once again as an “I” statement. “I'm not boring. I am a unique and worthy person who deserves friendship. I have many qualities that many people will appreciate and love." Don't listen to the undermining criticism that comes up when you do this exercise. As Amy Poehler said, “Standing up for ourselves as well as standing up for one of our friends is a difficult but rewarding thing. Sometimes it works. Even demons need sleep.
Step Four: Think About How Your Voice Influences Your Actions
As you get to know your voices, you will become better able to recognize when they appear. You can actively try to distract yourself and begin to notice how this voice affects your behavior. This may tell you that you are too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. This can make you feel insecure in your relationship, so you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If he tells you that the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself being a little angrier in everyday interactions or a lot angrier towards yourself. Try to remember all the moments when your critical inner voice determines your behavior. In doing so, develop what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a COAL (curious, open, accepting and loving) attitude towards yourself.
Step Five: Change Your Behavior
Once you've identified them, it's important to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to get what you want out of life. So, if your inner critic tells you to stay private or keep your mouth shut at a party, although it may seem uncomfortable at first, you must find a way to stop yourself from allowing such behavior. This will only make you feel ashamed or lonely. Even if you feel embarrassed at first or don't feel good about acting against your voice, remember to practice self-compassion. Using the voice will cause anxiety, and changing the behavior pattern may make the voice louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you will become. This voice will fade into the background over time.
If in this process you find yourself having thoughts like, “Yeah, right. My voices about me are right,” remember that almost everyone feels this way at some point. Most people feel like outcasts on some level. Challenging this exact feeling is what will lead you to what you want in life. This will allow you to shed the layers that are keeping you from feeling. Regardless of what your inner critic tells you or uses to reinforce its arguments that you are different or unworthy, you can find ways to access your power to calmly calm this destructive coaching and be persistent in moving your goals forward. Slowly but surely your inner critic will weaken. Your real self will become stronger, brighter, more known, understandable and accessible to the world around you.
Being needed by someone: pros and cons
In order to get rid of the feeling of your own uselessness, it is important to dissuade yourself of this, which means becoming needed by someone. Or maybe we should leave everything as it is? What are the advantages and disadvantages of overcoming the uselessness complex?
Advantages Disadvantages Understanding that close people, friends, and colleagues need you, relieves a person of the feeling of his own insignificance. He begins to value life and his health more, without taking unnecessary risks, thinking about the consequences of his actions: what if they bring trouble to those who care about you? Understanding that you are necessary for someone requires special care and delicacy. It's good if the feelings are mutual
And if not? How to get out of the situation without cutting off oxygen to the person who needs you? What if it breaks? It is very important to weaken this one-way connection with the least possible losses. The feeling of being needed helps each of us to overcome difficulties, set goals, and achieve them. In other words, a person perceives his life as something that does not belong only to him, feels responsible to those who support him, and tries to be on top so as not to let him down. A person cannot afford to take big risks (and sometimes he really wants to)
Every step will have to be taken with an eye on those who are worried, caring, waiting, and bored. Sometimes, why not, excessive care is annoying. You have to come to terms with this. The life of a person who knows that he is not indifferent to his other half, parents, children, friends, is filled with meaning. He knows that it is not in vain that he lives on this earth. This gives him powerful emotional support and supports him in difficult times. Knowing that his family and friends need him, a person should forget about the feeling of absolute freedom. Responsibility to loved ones and caring for them does not allow you to live as you please, take risks, or neglect your health.
