“Nobody loves me, I’m flawed, everyone has happiness in their personal life except me,” are absolutely acceptable words from a teenage girl. They are vulnerable to their own puberty and personal development, so they react quite sharply to every failure. But what to do if puberty is long behind you, and thoughts of hopeless loneliness still disturb your soul? It's time to understand the origins and find a solution to this problem!
Remember that it is normal to experience pain.
We react painfully to rejection, no matter what it concerns: friendship, romantic relationships or communication with colleagues.
Once upon a time, such a reaction was necessary for survival. When we lived in tribes, being rejected and cast out from the community was practically death. Therefore, if someone rejects us, a chemical reaction occurs in the brain so strong that it causes physical pain. After this we go through several stages. We blame ourselves first. It seems to us that we have somehow upset the other person. Then we experience humiliation and shame, and feel our own weakness. We try to win the favor of this person again. “It’s not even because we want to please him,” explains psychotherapist Sean Grover, “it’s just that we don’t like feeling that someone doesn’t like us.” We end up feeling like a failure.
These sensations are unpleasant, but completely normal. The main thing is not to focus on them and move on.
You have too many or few friends on social networks
The number of subscribers also matters. Researchers from the University of Michigan proposed S. Tom Tong, B. Van Der Heide, L. Langwell et al. Too Much of a Good Thing? The Relationship Between Number of Friends and Interpersonal Impressions on Facebook / Journal of Computer‑Mediated Communication students rate several people based on their Facebook profiles. Those who had about 100 or fewer friends scored the lowest. Almost the same reaction was caused by users with more than 300 followers. People who had approximately 300 friends were rated most highly by respondents.
Subsequent studies confirmed G. G. Scott. More Than Friends: Popularity on Facebook and its Role in Impression Formation / Journal of Computer‑Mediated Communication that the number of subscribers really affects the impression of a person: too few and too many friends seem suspicious.
Don't blame yourself for everything
Due to the openly expressed hostility of others, many begin to doubt themselves. But don't forget: people's actions are usually explained by their own problems and experiences. It's not about you personally or the other person, it's about both of you.
It’s just that this particular person at this particular moment in life is incompatible with you.
In addition, the other person's disposition has a lot to do with the benefit you bring to him, even if unconsciously. “This shows up in animals as well,” said Jennifer Verdolin, an animal behavior researcher at Duke University. “They prefer to spend time with individuals who are similar to them in status, personality or genetic ties.”
If you don't have anything in common that is valuable to both parties, you will be rejected. It's almost inevitable.
Five main mistakes
Impregnable fortress - mistake No. 1
Error: Admit to yourself that you really liked this young man. And since you once heard that guys are attracted to unapproachable people, you begin to behave appropriately. Don't look at him, ignore him, demonstratively carry on conversations with everyone in the company except him, and don't pay any attention to his attempts to contact you. This behavior is wrong!
What to do: No, you don’t need to run to him headlong and try to start a conversation, as if by chance touching his shoulders or arms. Of course, there is an opinion that through touch you can establish trusting contact. Perhaps there is some truth in this. But, as a rule, people simply hate it when their personal boundaries are violated by someone else’s overly active hands. Despite the fact that their owner is quite pretty.
The best strategy is to act naturally. Talk to your crush calmly and casually. Imagine that he is just a good friend. Try to establish contact by talking about topics that interest you. Answer his questions. In general, your task is to appear before the guy as an adequate and interesting interlocutor.
Excessive self-doubt - mistake No. 2
Error: As soon as a pretty individual of the opposite sex appears in your field of vision, you immediately hide in your shell. And all the feminine charm disappears, as if by magic, when you lower your eyes in embarrassment, and your shoulders behave unnaturally, thinking that a pimple that looks like a volcano has popped up on your forehead, you haven’t washed your hair today, and in general, it’s not the time right now. romantic interest.
What to do: Try to get unnecessary thoughts out of your head and remain calm. Surprisingly, the fact has been proven: a confident girl, even with an unusual appearance, will interest a guy much faster than an insecure beauty. Raise your head, straighten your shoulders and go to conquer the heart of your lover. Focus on your strengths.
You are too serious - mistake #3
Error: Do you know how easy it is to understand that a man likes you? See if he finds your jokes funny. Guys also use this life hack, and most often on an unconscious level. For example, a guy made a sparkling joke, everyone began to laugh, and you... You just somehow strangely curled your lips into a grin. “What the…” he will think and turn his attention to the girl who laughed at his joke.
What to do: If the thought has stuck in your beautiful head: “Why don’t guys like me, even though I’m beautiful?”, just try to be sincere. No, there is absolutely no need to burst into laughter at a stupid joke. If a sense of humor is not his thing, don't force yourself to laugh. Just smile during a conversation , asking something or vice versa, answering a question.
By the way, smiling is one of the norms of etiquette. And there is no need to frown and walk around with a dissatisfied face, even if the day is frankly unlucky. Be nice and men will be attracted to you like a magnet.
Your appearance is confusing - mistake #4
If you look like a "glamorous chick", then you better look for an equally "stylish" guy. Ordinary young men are not interested in fashion trends and do not always understand why today you are a “tiger”, yesterday you were dressed in a garbage bag, and tomorrow you will appear in the image of Princess Elsa with blue lipstick and eyeliner to match. Men are quite primitive in their preferences, and a young lady in a modest, tight-fitting dress will arouse more interest in him than an extravagant girl.
What to do: To get rid of the thought: “Couples don’t like me because of my appearance,” you can use two options. Find a guy who can “see the trick” and appreciate your knowledge of modern fashion trends and your ability to follow them. But if you fall in love with a simple young man, you will have to moderate your ardor and give up bright lipstick, replacing it with cosmetics in natural shades. At least for a while. And when he is able to discern your inner world and falls in love, you can return to your usual wardrobe.
You lie too much - mistake #5
Error: In words you are very active, smart, experienced, but in reality all your legends are collapsing like a house of cards. You tell him that you vacationed in Turkey, attended the premiere of a new blockbuster, and know how to play the piano. But do you understand that if your lover believes in your stories and you begin a romantic relationship, then sooner or later the truth will be revealed? And it turns out that at that time you were not vacationing on the Black Sea coast, but were digging potatoes at your granny’s dacha. It will be awkward, won't it?
What to do: Be frank and tell only the truth. Yes, you didn’t relax in a Turkish hotel, but everything is ahead. Yes, you have never had a boyfriend. But this is for the better - there is no negative experience. Or positive - when the current guy is inferior to the former. Don’t invent for yourself those advantages that you really don’t have. Better develop the ones you have.
Analyze your behavior
Don't blame yourself if someone doesn't like you. However, if this happens constantly, try to look at your behavior objectively.
Ask to explain the reason why you were rejected. For example, you have been told that you brag a lot or are self-centered. Think about whether there is some truth in this. Analyze your behavior. If you really do this and it makes other people uncomfortable, work on yourself.
Just don't overdo it. Of course, some of your habits may annoy others. But often it simply reflects that person's fears, prejudices, or unpleasant memories.
Inner critic or voice of conscience
In conclusion, we should mention the importance of conscience in our lives. If your thoughts stop you from making a stupid decision, then this is most likely an act of conscience in your life. Conscience is very important and seems to be becoming scarce these days.
Wikipedia says Conscience is a mental (cognitive) process that evokes emotions and rational associations based on a person’s moral philosophy or value system.
Be careful when dealing with your inner critic. Don't destroy your conscience. The Nazis taught children of Jungen detachments to have animals - puppies, kittens. And then they ordered to kill them. Also, many psychologists confuse the voice of conscience with the harmful effects of a critic and advise killing the voice of conscience. The lack of moral qualities of advisers can lead to stupid advice. Some psychologists lead decent lives, others lead immoral lives, and their advice will be different. Some have no children, no plans for a family, and their advice to family people will be ineffective and often harmful.
The Apostle Paul, experiencing persecution in the first century of Christianity, gave advice:
“and with a clear conscience, so that those who slander you and blaspheme your good conduct in Christ may be put to shame.” (1 Peter 3:16)
Acting according to your conscience is the only way to shame slanderers, slanderers, and offenders. If your environment calls you to destructive actions, you should not seek favor in their eyes. If you are ridiculed for your good behavior, do not stoop to their level.
Make new friends gradually
When we find ourselves in a new circle of people, we feel lonely. For example, at a new job or after moving to another city. In such situations, the relationships of others have already been established - it is easy to feel like an outsider.
Integrate into your new surroundings gradually. For example, invite one of your colleagues to have lunch together. But don't try to join the group right away. Contact the person who is most friendly.
Not everyone is ready to welcome you with open arms right away. Focus on those who show a willingness to step forward.
You're feigning modesty
Often, in response to a question about their shortcomings, people begin to list qualities that actually show them in a good light. For example, they say that they suffer from perfectionism or excessive hard work. They try to appear positive in everything, to earn sympathy by complaining or being modest.
The authors of a study conducted at Harvard Business School note O. Sezer, F. Gino, M. I. Norton. Humblebragging: A distinct - and ineffective - self-presentation strategy / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that such a self-presentation strategy is ineffective. During the experiments, it was found that “humble brag” is not liked by interlocutors and causes them to doubt the person’s competence. People feel insincerity and therefore even ordinary braggarts will be treated more favorably.
Keep this in mind when you go on a date or interview.
Spend more time with those who appreciate you
Surely you have at least a few people you can rely on in difficult times. Communicate with them more often. This will increase your self-esteem and restore self-confidence.
Strengthen your relationships with people who value you. This is healthier than worrying about those who rejected you.
And remember that the best way to make true friendships is to be sincere. Don't expect everyone to come to you. This attitude will not attract others to you at all.
You are too critical
Such a person questions everything and everyone. If he is presented with leather gloves, he will look at them for a long time, and then say: “Is this leather?”
No matter where he sits in the cinema, he feels bad everywhere and can’t even see anything.
He pesters everyone with stories about his boss who is a freak, about his co-workers who are cretins, about a government that doesn’t do a damn thing. If he is invited to a restaurant, he will study the menu with great passion, and when the ordered dishes are finally brought, he will criticize them so much that he will take away the appetite of those around him, completely ruining their mood.
At a party, he unceremoniously discusses those present, but he considers himself superior and more infallible than them.
If you discover the traits of a “critic” in yourself, change urgently. If you see only flaws in people, they will not want to deal with you. Why, if you still won’t please?
You hide your emotions
Researchers emphasize A. M. Tackman, S. Srivastava. Social responses to expressive suppression: The role of personality judgments / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, that such behavior serves as a signal to others that you either do not want to communicate or are simply not the most pleasant person.
This was confirmed by a recent experiment. Psychologists asked several people to watch funny and sad videos, and their reactions were filmed. Some were instructed to respond naturally, while others were instructed to suppress emotions. Then the scientists asked the students to rate the people in the video. Those who hid their feelings scored significantly lower.
Are you nervous?
Dealing with stress and nervous tension is not easy, but it must be done. And here's another reason why.
Research has shown P. Dalton, C. Mauté, C. Jaén et al. Chemosignals of Stress Influence Social Judgments / PLoS ONE that the smell of sweat produced during stress is more distasteful than the smell that occurs during physical activity. A nervous person begins to be perceived as less competent and self-confident. True, such a reaction was found only in men.
You can smooth out the effect if you use an antiperspirant: it muffles the “stress smell.”
You avoid eye contact
Some people like to make eye contact during a conversation, others don’t. But, as shown1. N.A. Murphy. Appearing Smart: The Impression Management of Intelligence, Person Perception Accuracy, and Behavior in Social Interaction / Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 2. RJ Larsen, TK Shackelford. Gaze avoidance: Personality and social judgments of people who avoid direct face‑to‑face contact / Personality and Individual Differences scientific research, maintaining eye contact is very important. With its help, people involuntarily try to find out more about the interlocutor.
Reluctance to contribute to this may seem like a sign that you are not entirely sincere, or even lying. This reduces your attractiveness in the eyes of the person you are communicating with. So try not to look away during important conversations.
