None of us can change the past, no matter how much we want to. So we learn to live with the intrusive thoughts of “I wonder what would have happened if...” and try to come to terms with the constant regret that accompanies every mistake we make.
The approach of psychologists Shelley Carson and Ellen Langer, who divide mistakes into “good” and “bad,” will help cope with such an influx of emotions. They differ only in our reaction - we learn lessons from the “good” ones, and are desperately ashamed of the “bad” ones.
To identify your “bad” mistakes, do one simple task - continue the phrase “I regret that...”. This way you will know which regrets you need to work through. And to turn “bad” mistakes into “good” ones, use five basic strategies.
Be kind to yourself
Author of the book “Self-Compassion. About the power of compassion and self-kindness" Kristin Neff is sure that it is self-compassion that helps you accept yourself. She suggests trying a practice that combines inner strength and self-love.
To do this, ask yourself two important questions:
- How can I practice self-compassion when dealing with my mistakes?
- How to give yourself the opportunity to think about the current situation and learn the necessary lessons from it?
The answers will help you understand how to work through past mistakes without blaming yourself for them.
Why sometimes we can't forgive ourselves? What prevents you from doing this?
Why are we in no hurry to forgive ourselves if guilt weighs us down? The fact is that, it seems, guilt, like any other feeling, has its own value for the psyche, even when it plays not the most comfortable role in our history.
Sometimes guilt plays the role of a substitute for punishment: with the help of guilt we punish ourselves for some kind of offense, sometimes quite fair. For example, I slipped and accidentally broke my grandmother’s favorite mug from the family’s antique set. It was an accident, but he broke it. There is some healthy guilt in this.
And here we come to the concept of healthy and neurotic (toxic) guilt. Many of us cannot forgive ourselves precisely because we feel part of our fair responsibility for what happened. The problem is where we are not aware of exactly what proportion of healthy guilt there is in a particular action, automatically falling into a hole of total guilt.
Guilt can also be a way to control situations and other people. Guilt creates tension not only within us, but also outside. Those around us, seeing or feeling our guilt, also fall into this “wine” (I smile) field of tension. With the help of guilt, you can manipulate others, and you yourself become a hostage to manipulation.
Guilt can also help avoid responsibility for an action. Seriously! No matter how paradoxical it may sound, with the help of this oppressive feeling we avoid the opportunity to clarify what is what and take responsibility, including for the consequences. It can be scary, it can be incomprehensible, it can be unpredictable. When we fall into guilt, we are like possums, pretending to be dead, injured, already punished by guilt. It's safer that way.
In addition to all that has been said, it is important to remember the power of the ancestral message, our family introjects, patterns of behavior, ways of dealing with guilt. First of all, we may not forgive ourselves because this way of interacting with this feeling is the only one known and accepted in a particular family structure.
Determine what you can change and what you can't
Not all mistakes can be corrected. Sometimes the worst has already happened and the only thing you can do is accept it. Ask yourself if you can change the situation. Just be honest with yourself: what happened was just one unfortunate mistake or a whole chain of reckless decisions?
“We can’t choose the cards we’re dealt, but we can choose how we play them,” says Carnegie Mellon University professor Randy Pausch.
If your mistake hurt another person, try not just to apologize, but to listen to them. You can then share your thoughts and what the situation taught you and what you plan to do next.
Randy Pausch identified three important parts that any apology should consist of:
- Mentioning what you did wrong.
- An apology for causing pain.
- The question is what can be done to improve the situation.
Toxic cargo: how to stop regretting the past
Learn a lesson from the past
When it seems (or you know for sure) that you made a mistake in the past, you need to find the benefit in the situation so that it is not so offensive. Ask yourself what lesson can be learned from what happened. Analyze the answers, draw conclusions, and to consolidate the results, write them down in a notebook. This will help not only ease the torment, but also avoid repeating the mistake in the future.
Learn to forgive yourself and others
You can reproach yourself endlessly for doing the wrong thing or missing an opportunity. Therefore, it is important to forgive - other people and yourself. Don’t be cruel to yourself: everyone can make a mistake, even you, and this is normal, because only those who do nothing make no mistakes. Life is not a computer game in which you can reboot and start everything from the saved moment.
Work on the bugs
There are fatal mistakes in life that cannot be corrected. However, this is rare: relationships can be improved with the help of apologies and kind deeds, and a mistake at work can be made up for with conscious work. Remember this when you scold yourself for wrong behavior. Spend the energy that goes into reflection on correcting the mistake: think about how best to do it, and take action.
Remember why you did what you did
Some time after making a mistake, it seems that it would have been logical to do something differently, so we mercilessly reproach ourselves for our miscalculations. We forget that in the past we acted based on the circumstances in which we found ourselves, and of all the possible options, we probably chose the most logical decision. Keep this in mind when you beat yourself up: remember why you did what you did, and you'll likely see that you made a justifiable decision.
Don't exaggerate your guilt
Many people consider themselves the center of the world, and their own mistakes seem catastrophic to them. However, more often than not, it’s actually not that scary. Try to look at your mistake with an open mind: is it really because of one mistake that your whole life has gone downhill and it cannot be corrected? Or did it have dire consequences for other people? This is unlikely to be true, which means you shouldn’t waste a lot of time on regrets.
Take a look at yourself from the outside
We tend not only to sympathize with our loved ones and friends, but also to forgive a lot. You should treat yourself the same way. Look at yourself through the eyes of a good friend, say words of consolation, and you will see that the mistake has ballooned to the scale of a catastrophe only in your head, and to any other person it will not seem so comprehensive. This will ease the internal torment and help you look at the situation soberly.
Don't forget that everything is possible in the future
When it seems like the world has collapsed because of a mistake, think that there is still time ahead. Surely you can fix a lot of things in your life, because we rarely find ourselves in hopeless situations. This will require effort and work, but it is better to spend it on future achievements than on self-criticism. The main thing is to learn to look forward realistically, and not through the prism of already missed opportunities or wrong decisions.
Radical Acceptance
If no method has helped you deal with the pain of thinking about past mistakes, try radical acceptance. Sometimes no tricks of consciousness help explain your behavior in the past. Then there is only one step left - to accept and love your life entirely, with all its victories and failures. In part, this resembles the position of a fatalist: well, since all this happened, so be it.
Motivate yourself
Find an inspirational phrase that will help you move on during difficult times. You can repeat it to yourself or make it your phone wallpaper, as long as it makes you feel better.
For believers, and perhaps not only them, the prayer of the German theologian Karl Ettinger is suitable: “Lord, give me the calmness to accept what I cannot change, give me the courage to change what I can change, and give me the wisdom to distinguish one thing.” from another."
How to let go of the past and start living in the present
Everyone has memories that they want to erase. But the more you try to forget them, the more memory refuses to obey you. What to do?
Research by Roland Benoit and Michael Anderson has shown that people can train themselves to intentionally forget or erase certain events.
To erase bad events you need to do 6 things.
- Take a shield from bad thoughts. Don't think about past events consciously. If you are reminded of them, do not let your mind focus on it.
- Avoid triggers that can bring back bad memories. It could be smells, sounds, faces, things, films, places. Get rid of things and don't visit places or spend time with people who remind you of past mistakes.
- Connect positive lessons to bad memories. Try to associate unpleasant memories with useful lessons you learned from those events. Positive associations will make your past less painful and, over time, help you forget bad memories forever.
- Release your emotions to reduce their power over you. Alone with yourself, scream, cry, or write an angry letter with all your feelings, grievances, and then burn it. The purpose of these manipulations is to free your feelings from bad memories or shame about the past.
- Don't live your days on autopilot. Notice little things, sounds, smells, sights. Be in the company of people who make you happy, make new acquaintances, travel. This will help you be more attentive to the present.
- Diversify your life. Take up new interests, hobbies, fitness or sports. This will keep you busy, which means you can avoid remembering the past and forget it.
Why is it important to get rid of bad memories?
Because it affects your health and ability to live a satisfying life. For example, past grievances cause:
- Inability to abstract from the present and plan for the future.
- Anxiety.
- Insomnia, general malaise.
- Depression.
- Revenge, anger.
- Joyless life.
Conclusion
It is easier to get advice from a psychologist on how to forget the past than to actually do it. Because the hardest struggle takes place within us. Even if we really want to let go of bad memories, they continue to creep up like a plague when we are not ready for it.
But the psychological methods we have discussed help you get rid of bad memories from the past. To do this you need to: accept the past, learn from it, stop blaming others and not pretend to be a victim. Change your environment, thinking and space, forgive the offense and create new memories for yourself.
Share your opinion, how do you cope with unpleasant memories? How do you manage to forget your past?
Why do we blame ourselves?
Favorite topics for self-criticism can be appearance (perhaps the most painful topic for girls), the manner of speaking (making acquaintances, entering into dialogue, maintaining communication), a negative assessment of one’s work, one’s skills, actions, etc.
We are so used to reproaching ourselves that it doesn’t even occur to us to think about the words with which we torment ourselves. Or maybe we are wrong and there is nothing to scold and reproach ourselves for?
The words addressed to ourselves are most often the voices of one of the parents who tried to make a Human out of us with the help of criticism and prodding. These could also be the voices of our teachers, who were happy to point out our mistakes. So they tried to do as much good as possible so that we could become people.
Numerous adults “You can’t!” That's not how they behave! Look at you! Keep quiet until you are asked!” are consolidated as a kind of protective mechanism that “helps” to learn the rules of behavior in the family and society. Growing up, we habitually and routinely use this outdated defense mechanism, but now to our own detriment.
In adult life, people rarely criticize us, and this would be unnecessary, because inside us there are whole deposits of dissatisfaction with ourselves. The more we were reproached in childhood, the more often self-criticism results in fanatical perfectionism with such high standards that many do not even try to achieve them and simply give up. Or self-criticism turns us into fearful, difficult-avoiding, dissatisfied people who go out of their way for someone’s praise or compliment (“But I can do that too! I can handle this in two minutes! Look how I have a luxury car!”).
Words turned inward are no longer intended to help us become better, but only drive us to the platform of lynching:
- How can you love such a nonentity? - Why am I so clueless? - Why did I say this? - I'm an insensitive idol! - I should be more... - I should have... - I have only shortcomings! - A dunce, a blockhead and a rag!
But what if we don’t just say, think, hear reproaches and abuse within ourselves, but literally beat ourselves with them?! What if such criticism and accusations affect us like blows of a whip or a fist? We methodically, over and over again, hit our Self in the face, inflicting wounds on our inner Self. There is you - strong, tough, angry, and there is another part of you, weak and endlessly terrorized by you. You want to raise this weakling from his knees at all costs so that he finally comes to his senses and becomes what you want him to be. And you want to be better, braver, smarter, more interesting, more beautiful. You no longer intend to blush for your weak Self! You knock out in your other self everything that you cannot afford and accept: perhaps it is gentleness, kindness, at times cowardice, at times bragging...
The essence of the concept
The saddest situation occurs when a person does not know how to forgive himself for mistakes, or more precisely, he does not know that he is in a state of non-forgiveness. This is a very serious psychological problem that is equivalent to an illness. And, like any illness, non-forgiveness has its own “symptoms,” which are as follows:
- Negative attitude towards yourself (you always try to take all the blame on yourself, even if you have nothing to do with it).
- No room for error (you do not allow yourself to make mistakes because you are a perfectionist who strives for the ideal).
- Denial of the essence of forgiveness. You cannot understand what forgiveness means because you do not see the meaning in it. For you, this is simply indulgence when a person gets away with everything.
- Condemnation. You always judge not only yourself, but also other people who commit unfavorable actions (in your opinion). This is an erroneous position, the basis of which is pride, which gives the right to feel like a world judge.
Looking for answers from the subconscious
At a subconscious level, feelings of guilt and fear are accepted as useful properties of the psyche. In reality, everything is different. The subconscious is afraid of change. It tries to create constancy through fear and guilt. But the world does not stand still, people, society, living conditions change, even the weather is different every day. Guilt brings a person back, keeps him in the networks of the past in order to prevent changes from overwhelming the future.
Myths of the subconscious:
Protection. In the subconscious mind, guilt reminds a person of bad actions that have harmed someone or caused a negative reaction from others. This is insurance against a similar situation happening again. In fact, fear is an unstable support for relationships. Quarrels are inevitable. Problems are solved by deeds, not by internal remorse. Love. Accepting guilt for his own imperfections, a person seeks forgiveness from loved ones. Repenting and suffering demonstrably, he strives for acceptance and love from others. In fact, he becomes so accustomed to his role that self-flagellation becomes the norm. Humanity. Ideally, guilt prevents you from forgetting about compassion and harming another person. In reality, following this myth leads to dependence on the opinions of others. A person lives according to the desires of other people, forgetting about himself. Engine of development. By punishing himself for “bad” actions, a person hopes for further correction and change. He believes that a similar situation will not happen again, tries to insure himself against “inappropriate” behavior and lives in the past.
The feeling of guilt is cultivated in a person specifically to regulate his social behavior. Gradually it turns from a mythical protector into a real destroyer.
Where does the feeling of guilt for one's own actions come from?
Everyone has an ideal idea of society and themselves. This image is an impeccable picture that says what a person should be. The ideal determines what is permissible and what is not allowed, what qualities a “good” person should have and what qualities a “bad” person should have. He paints images of a respectable family man, a successful worker, a loving mother, and a skillful lover. Sigmund Freud called this part of a person’s personality the “Super-Ego”: shame, conscience, morality and the inner inquisitor, a merciless judge who punishes without investigation or trial.
The “Ideal-I” hides in the depths of the subconscious and is formed from childhood. First by parents, then by educators and teachers, and by the social environment. The feeling of guilt, which was supposed to help a person get comfortable in society, destroys the personality from the inside:
It punishes, but not for “bad” or “good” actions. Conscience pronounces a verdict for the discrepancy between reality and the ideal idea. Feeling guilty is unreasonable. It does not allow you to think and analyze the situation, but only corrodes from the inside, sweeping away all justificatory arguments. Internal conflict gives rise to aggression. Negative emotions come to the surface, allowing conscience to continue its execution for new “misdeeds.”
Harmful reproaches
Self-criticism is always violence within the individual. You beat yourself up and then try to survive with broken ribs, a darned heart, a blocked throat, and a burning face from being slapped. How about we give ourselves a little freedom and remove the collar of reproaches with which we like to pacify and suppress ourselves? Maybe we are being too hard on ourselves?
In response to the beatings, our tormented and bleeding self will only grin, revealing fragments of knocked out teeth and spit blood at our feet. Comparing ourselves with others, scolding ourselves at all costs, lowly and inadequately assessing our actions, ourselves, our appearance, we not only do not help ourselves, but even cripple ourselves. It is impossible to “become better” through brutality and violence. This is how we raise only a slave: bitter, weak, withdrawn, closed and not trusting anyone.
It is not surprising that we often do not find a place for ourselves in life, in new companies. We have no time to be interested in other people and new opportunities, because we are busy monitoring ourselves and counting the “minuses”; we only have time to kick and slap our inner selves: “Sit up straight! Don't mumble! Say something smart! What are you talking about?! I look like...” We are anxious, suspicious and apathetic.
Why is it important to forgive yourself?
Guilt provokes an internal conflict that destroys the psyche. Mental discomfort affects physical well-being: chronic diseases worsen, autonomic disorders develop, and nerves fail. Internal self-torture can lead to:
neuroses; aggression, irritability, psychological breakdowns; painful self-control; unsuccessful attempts to fit oneself into social standards; self-pity, physiological and psychological weakness; development of apathy, depression; anxiety, inferiority complex.
Blaming yourself without giving a single chance for forgiveness, you live in the past. Trying to justify someone else's opinion, a person cannot be himself. He is deprived of the right to his own thoughts, tastes and views on life. Happiness gradually slips away, the ability to rejoice, to be sincere, to show real feelings and emotions disappears. What remains are masks and moral masochism. What else can you call the state of self-torture?
It is impossible to correct the past. You can't build the future by thinking about it.
He ceases to adequately assess himself, the situation and the people around him, becoming easy prey for manipulators. Guilt does not require action. Remorse does not end with attempts to correct the situation and leads to a personal impasse. Why is this happening?
