I don’t trust anyone: what is rejection trauma and how to get rid of it

The trauma of rejection in psychology is a psychological trauma received due to the emotional coldness of parents. The trauma of being rejected makes a person feel unwanted and abandoned. He cannot meet the opposite sex because he is afraid of being rejected. He cannot make friends because he is too insecure and afraid of betrayal. He cannot find a decent job because he is afraid to express himself. In rare cases, the trauma of rejection is formed in adulthood due to unrequited love.

What is rejection trauma?

Rejection trauma is a psychological problem, a consequence of destructive family upbringing. It is formed in those people who were not noticed or pushed away by their parents. A person with rejection trauma is resentful and angry at his parents, but he cannot admit it. All this is stored at the subconscious level and transferred to the whole world.

An alternative name for the phenomenon is narcissistic injury or narcissistic scar. The concept was introduced by Sigmund Freud. The greater the contempt, rejection, and dislike a child has experienced, the larger his scar, the lower the person’s self-esteem, the greater the hatred of himself and the world.

A person with rejection trauma has the following characteristics:

• dissatisfaction with oneself, denial of one’s importance;
• feeling of inferiority, worthlessness;
• ignorance of one's own needs, desires, abilities;
• erased personal boundaries, inability to defend one’s opinion and interests;
• feeling of shame and fear of separation from parents;
• intrapersonal conflicts;
• fear of intimacy as a consequence of fear of rejection;
• tendency towards self-destruction.

People with rejection syndrome are at risk for dependent relationships. They need someone whose life they can live instead of their own. At the same time, such people live in an uncertain state: if they are accepted, then they themselves provoke such a situation so that they are pushed away, or they themselves push the person away. However, it happens that a person, on the contrary, is afraid to push away another, then he suppresses his actions and statements.

Important! If we briefly describe the mechanism of development of trauma, then we are talking about the transition of contempt on the part of parents into internal contempt. A person begins to hate in himself what his parents punished and rejected him for.

Walling

The experiences caused by refusal are more unpleasant and acute, the more we associate it with total rejection and confirmation of our inferiority. In an effort to protect ourselves from painful feelings, we consciously avoid intimacy and emotional contact with other people.

We cannot open up in our vulnerability, vulnerability, shyness. We don’t share hopes, dreams, mistakes we’ve experienced, and difficulties. We have a fantasy that by avoiding attachment, falling in love, keeping people at a distance, we can prevent the pain of possible rejection in the future. As if, if we don’t really know the other person, and he doesn’t know us, his refusal won’t be so unpleasant.

And we are also starting to get ahead of the game. Anticipating imminent rejection in a relationship, we rush to push the other away first. We try to avoid the unpleasant feelings associated with the loss of a person we care about and love. And we hope that if we are rejected, and not us, the loss will not be so painful. Conscious rejection of others can give us the illusion of control and power in this matter, but, unfortunately, it does not make the experience any easier or more pleasant.

Emotional withdrawal and preemptive rejection of others does not bring us any closer to creating healthy, fulfilling, joyful and satisfying relationships. This does not protect us from the pain of rejection, since it is not so much about others as it is about us.

Let's explore less damaging and healthier ways to deal with rejection.

Reasons for appearance

Reasons for the development of rejection trauma:

1. Mother's narcissism. She sees the child as a continuation of herself and accepts him only in those moments when the child pleases. The slightest manifestation of independence causes anger and coldness of the mother.
2. Dislike of a child, for example, because he is unwanted, or because he does not live up to expectations in some way. The mother perceives the child as a problem, and therefore entrusts his upbringing to someone, for example, a grandmother, or abandons the baby altogether.
3. The mother perceives the child as a competitor, transfers the “sins” of another person or her own shortcomings onto him. They ascribe to him qualities that he does not have, or they exaggerate his existing shortcomings, constantly criticize and insult him.

The trauma of rejection is formed before the age of 6 years. Its cause is an unmet need for security and close communication with the mother. Adequate contact with the mother is the foundation of a person’s future relationship with the world. If this foundation is not there, then you need to turn to psychotherapy.

THERE IS A WAY OUT!

No matter who we are, we are all sometimes treated unfairly, dishonestly, wrongly, and cause us pain. Therefore, it is important to decide in advance how we will respond to situations that make us feel inferior, unappreciated, unloved, unwanted or rejected.

Personally, when I have been abandoned by friends, rejected by the world or even by certain believers, I have always turned to one verse of Scripture and it has given me strength. It says, “God has chosen the base things of the world, the base things, and the base things...” (1 Corinthians 1:28). Paul wrote this verse to the believers of the city of Corinth, who were considered outcasts and fools by the unbelieving society. These people did not accept the Christian faith. And instead of trying to understand, they simply decided that Christians are stupid and have no place in their society. They treated Christians with such disdain that, as Paul relates in his letter, they humiliated the Corinthian church.

Mechanism of triggering the trauma of rejection

The trauma of rejection is triggered in those moments when situations from adult life resemble traumatic scenes from the past. For example, when a loved one or boss breaks down and starts shouting, insulting, criticizing. Or when the outcast himself shows aggression, and in response he receives something similar to “You are no longer my son.” At these moments, the outcast turns into a defenseless child, he again experiences the same feelings as in childhood, he finds himself in that world.

The more often this is repeated, the more a person withdraws into himself. In simple words it sounds like this: “It’s not me that you don’t need, it’s you that doesn’t need me.” This becomes a stable life position and is transferred to all people.

Important! Without working through the trauma, it can turn on inappropriately at any moment.

Are childhood psychotraumas dangerous?

Trauma of any kind has a negative effect on the socialization process of children. It is difficult for a child to make friends, communicate with new people, and adapt to unfamiliar conditions. The psyche of a psychotraumatized child is prone to the formation of obsessions, fears and social phobias.

In adults, the consequences of psychological trauma in childhood manifest themselves in a high risk of developing depression, constant feelings of guilt, irritability and aggression. A long stay in this state negatively affects a person’s well-being and health; he cannot live a full life, and experiences difficulties in his personal life and in communication.

Psychologists say that many adults who experience a traumatic event develop obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is characterized by the occurrence of illogical intrusive thoughts and the performance of strange defensive actions.

What feelings does a person experience when experiencing rejection?

During the experience of rejection, a person experiences:

• fear of death, behind which lies the fear of the unknown and uncertainty;
• aggression towards the mother (this is normal, it is important to accept and acknowledge it);
• feelings of guilt and shame (as consequences of the ban on expressing aggression towards the mother).

To heal the trauma of a rejected person, it is important to understand that everything that happened is not your fault. This is the weakness of parents, their inferiority and pain. They were not mature individuals, so they could not give you the love you needed.

OPINION OF THE WORLD

The Greek word exoutheneo, which Paul used in 1 Corinthians 1:28, means “to disparage,” as well as not to take seriously, to despise, to disrespect, to despise, to disregard. It describes someone who is so bad and disgusting that he is considered terrible, repulsive, disgusting, sickening. In other words, this word describes a person whom people consider an outcast; he is so low in their eyes that he is neglected. They pretend it doesn't exist. They don't pay any attention to him and pass by.

How to work through the trauma of being rejected

The essence of processing is to restore integrity to a person. Trauma is accompanied by a split personality. The child rejects that part of himself (abilities, interests, needs, characteristics of temperament and character, appearance, etc.) that the parents do not recognize, and artificially cultivates in himself what the parents want, tries to be the one they somehow - then they accept. As a result, most of the person turns into his parent - cruel, cold and critical. For complete liberation, it is necessary to carry out an internal, psychological separation from the parents.

It is important to understand that previously, as a child, you really depended on your parents. This is how parent-child relationships work. In order to be alive, fed and clothed, loved (no matter what perverted form this love takes), the child has to obey, please, split. He cannot object and express his aggression or defend himself for one simple reason: he is afraid that the relationship will end. Is this relevant in adult life? No. You no longer need to defend yourself, you can provide for yourself and live for your own pleasure, you can be yourself, which means it’s time to learn to protect yourself, break off relationships with your parents and get to know healthy love, yourself. How to do it?

How to work through the trauma of a rejected person, step-by-step plan:

1. Living through the worst scenario of rejection. You need to imagine the most terrible situation of rejection and its positive resolution.
2. Ban on returning to childhood. Every time you feel rejected and helpless, remind yourself that you are an adult. Feel your height and weight, straighten your back, inhale deeply and slowly, exhale.
3. Connection with reality. Remind yourself of your age, your job, and that you can take care of yourself.

Technique for independently processing the experience of a rejected person:

1. Stage No. 1. Sit on a chair and remember the situation of rejection. Imagine that your mother is sitting on the other chair. Tell her everything you think. Don't be shy in your expressions. Then talk about what need remains unsatisfied. Ask your mom why she did this. To do this, sit in her chair and answer for her.
2. Stage No. 2. Sit on your mother's chair, imagine that you are her. Remember as many details as possible: her clothes, hairstyle, body type, etc. Feel every element. In another chair, see yourself in the role of a child, respond to the appeal that you recently expressed to your mother.
3. Stage No. 3. Place a third chair. Imagine that you are an adult sitting on it. And you are now in the role of a child. Ask your adult self to give what your mother could not give. Express your needs to him.
4. Stage No. 4. Sit on the third chair. Now you are in the role of an adult, you are you. Look at yourself in the role of a child, answer the request, express warm feelings, say that you will take care of this baby. In conclusion, say the words: “It’s easy for me, the fear goes away. I can take care of myself."

Note! It is better to carry out this technique under the supervision of a specialist, since for untrained people attempts to work through the problem on their own are dangerous due to re-traumatization.

Confess and grieve

So, you are faced with a refusal. You won't be able to get what you wanted, needed, hoped for, or even counted on. It is unpleasant. And it is completely normal at this moment to experience shame, embarrassment, anger, helplessness and a host of other feelings. But more often than not, instead of recognizing the appearance of unpleasant emotions, we try to sort of slip through them, forget them, suppress them. Denial of suffering leads to various types of auto-aggression - drinking, eating, spending money.

Try not to “slip through”, not to anesthetize painful experiences, but to grieve over the impossibility of getting what you want. Try to find your personal way of grieving - for some it helps to cry a lot, for others to keep a diary, to share experiences with a close friend or psychologist.

Sports, self-care, a trip to nature or just a walk alone. Create your own goodbye ritual that will help you acknowledge, process, and process unpleasant emotions. This will take time, and the duration and intensity of grief depends on the significance of what you lost. Some experiences will only take an hour, while some failures can last for months.

A case from my practice

With the client’s permission, I briefly tell her story. Girl, 30 years old. I came up with such a problem as fear of relationships, and in general dissatisfaction with my life. Before this, there was a painful, dependent relationship that ended with the man cheating on her and leaving her. Moreover, when parting, he vividly described the act of betrayal and pointed out in detail why the new chosen one was better than this girl.

At first, the client was bothered by bad thoughts; she wanted to die. The only thing that saved her was her reluctance to upset her mother. Which, as she herself notes, is strange, because in childhood it was often her mother who became the reason for her desire to disappear from this world. This is what we got hooked on and began to understand the past.

From an early age, the mother hammered into the girl’s head the idea that she was ugly. At the same time, the mother had a completely different opinion about herself (a narcissist as he is). A big nose, thick calves, short stature – these are just a few of the “compliments” that the girl listened to every day. Further more: the girl’s inner world also underwent restructuring. Her mother saw her as a pianist. She forced the girl to study for 5 hours every day. And the girl tried, studied through tears, but her mother was still never happy with the result.

This is how the girl’s hatred of her appearance, low self-esteem and multiple complexes developed. And in parallel with this, hatred of his mother and music developed. By the way, the girl worked as a teacher at a music school. Somehow it didn’t work out with worldwide fame, but the girl didn’t know or know anything else, so that’s what happened.

Of course, her mother did not forget to reproach her for this. In general, it became clear that the problem was not in relationships with men, but in relationships with my mother. For healing, we used psychodrama, the method of free association, and sessions of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy. To understand the internal potential of the individual, diagnostic techniques were used (identifying abilities, inclinations, interests, etc.).

Develop resilience

Resilience is your ability to maintain balance or bounce back from setbacks. This quality can and should be learned. Look for resources to improve things like being open-minded, avoiding black-and-white thinking, enjoying small victories, focusing on solutions rather than obstacles, and appreciating the importance of the experience rather than just achieving the big goal.

Greater resilience is facilitated by humor, strong close connections, understanding one's strengths, seeing mistakes as important steps toward success, an internal locus of control, and psychological self-help practices.

The American Psychological Association (APA) has developed a list of 10 tips for those who want to make their own psyche more adaptive and resilient:

• Create strong connections.
• Don't view crises as insurmountable problems.
• Accept change as an integral part of life.
• Move towards your goal.
• Take action.
• Look for opportunities for self-development.
• Develop a positive vision of yourself.
• Don't lose sight of the future, think bigger.
• Keep hope alive.
• Take care of yourself.

Preface

I was able to write this book thanks to the tenacity and perseverance of many researchers who, like me, were not forced by the objections and skepticism of critics to abandon the publication of the results of their searches and thoughts. It must be said that researchers know that attacks on them and their work are inevitable, and they usually prepare for this. They are inspired by those who positively perceive new discoveries, and also by the hope of helping people in their evolution. The first among the researchers to whom I must express my gratitude was the Austrian psychiatrist SIGMUND FREUD: he was responsible for the grandiose discovery of the unconscious in man; it was he who dared to declare that the physical nature of a human being is inseparable from his emotional and mental structure.

I am also grateful to one of his students, WILHELM REICH, who, in my opinion, became the great forerunner of metaphysics. He was the first to establish an indisputable connection between psychology and physiology, showing that neuroses affect not only the mental, but also the physical body.

Subsequently, psychiatrists John PIERRACOS1 and Alexander LOWEN (both students of Wilhelm Reich) discovered bioenergetics and showed that the patient’s will to heal is equally important for his physical body, emotions, and intellect.

Thanks primarily to the work of John Pierrakos and her colleague Eva Bruck, I was able to bring to a complete form everything that you will discover here. Beginning with a very interesting seminar held in 1992 with Barry WALKER, a student of John Pierrakos, I carefully observed and studied the material now presented in this book as a synthesis of my efforts - the five mental traumas and their accompanying masks. In addition, all the ideas presented here have been tested many times since 1992 by the experience of many thousands of people who have attended my seminars, as well as by examples from my personal life.

There is no scientific evidence for what is first stated in this book, but I encourage you to test my findings before dismissing them, and most importantly, see if they can help improve your quality of life.

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As you can see, in this book, as in the previous ones, I address you as

.
If you are reading one of my books for the first time and are unfamiliar with the LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
, some of the language may be confusing. For example, I make a clear distinction between feeling and emotion, between intelligence and intelligence, between self-control and control. The meaning of these concepts and the differences between them is explained quite well in my other books, as well as in my classes.

Everything I write applies equally to the male and female halves of the human race (otherwise I make reservations). I still use the word GOD

.
Let me remind you that when I talk about GOD
, I mean your HIGHER SELF, your true being, the very Self that knows your real needs, focused on a life of love, happiness, harmony, peace, health, abundance and joy.

I wish you the same pleasure in reading the book that I experienced when sharing with you my discoveries in its pages.

With love,

Acknowledgments

With all my heart I thank everyone with whom I have worked for many years and without whom my research on trauma and masks would not have been possible.

My greatest gratitude goes to those who participated in the “Effective Mutual Help Techniques” seminars. Their capacity for full self-disclosure greatly enriches the material for this book. I feel special gratitude to the members of the “Listen to Your Body”

, who participated in my research and provided me with information very important for this book. Thanks to all of you, I do not lose my passionate interest in research and new generalizations.

Finally, I want to thank those who were directly involved in the writing

books. First of all, this is my husband Jacques, who with his very presence brightened and facilitated the hours spent over its pages; Monica Bourbeau Shields, Odette Pelletier, Micheline Saint-Jacques, Nathalie Reymond and Michel Derruder did a brilliant job proofreading the manuscript, while Claudie Ogier and Elisa Palazzo provided the book's artwork.