In this way they ensure their safety so that they do not get hurt. And the price for such protection from pain is the feeling of loneliness and longing for love that they experience all their lives somewhere in the depths of their souls if they do not receive psychological help.
This complex of personality traits is called counter-dependence, counter-dependency or avoidance dependence.
In this article I will tell you in detail about this counter-dependence. What is it, how do counterdependent people behave? And for what reasons did they develop counter-dependence?
I’ll also tell you how to get rid of counter-dependence. What needs to be done for this, what steps to take in order to learn to be in close relationships with yourself and with other people.
What is counterdependency?
Counterdependence is false self-sufficiency, when somewhere deep inside a person is very vulnerable and in great need of love, but outwardly demonstrates his independence and not needing other people.
Counterdependence is the fear of becoming dependent on other people; this is the so-called dependence on demonstrating one’s independence. Moreover, for counterdependents it is important not only to impress others as a strong and self-sufficient person, but also to “deceive” themselves - to believe in their independence.
Counterdependence is based on a strong fear of close relationships. They are so scared of getting close to another person that they either choose a long-distance relationship, or remain alone, or use some other defense against intimacy with another person.
Not only is the counterdependent unable to build close relationships with other people, he is also not close to himself. He unconsciously “lies” to himself about who he is. He is not familiar with his real self - vulnerable, tender and in need of the love of other people.
What attracts
Guys with a counterdependent escape type of behavior have several characteristic features that distinguish them from other men.
- They skillfully demonstrate success, lack of dependence and self-sufficiency.
- As a rule, they reach heights at work. Work activity for them is a reason to hide from their significant other. They manage to find something to do that requires an almost round-the-clock presence.
- They make rather blatant hints and entice with promises. In reality, without forcing events on the woman’s part, nothing may happen. After all, despite their attractive appearance and self-confidence, they are very afraid of being rejected. Counterdependence in a man’s relationships is most strongly manifested in the fear of being unnecessary.
- They suddenly show openness and vulnerability. At such moments, it becomes clear that inaccessibility, callousness and mistrust are the consequences of a difficult past, which now protect the inner world from destructive influences. Many women fall into these networks, trying to “remove the curse from their enchanted prince.”
It is noteworthy that the openness and fragility in this case are not at all feigned. These are real human qualities. After all, everyone wants intimacy, affection, mutual understanding. Some people just stubbornly deny it. However, you should not think that you should immediately begin to “treat” such a partner with love.
How do counterdependent people behave?
Counterdependent behavior is behavior aimed at avoiding intimacy. Emotional and physical safety are very important to counteraddicts, and they will do anything to stay safe.
Counterdependents often have problems trusting other people, which is why it is difficult for them to get close. Our basic trust in the world and other people is usually formed in infancy. But in addicted avoidance it either did not develop, because there was an attachment trauma at this age.
Or this trust was broken in later childhood, due to some painful experience in relations with parents. When parents have failed their trust, causing avoidant dependents to decide not to trust anyone anymore.
Antidependent people often become isolated and alone. But they can also actively communicate with other people, be very successful in society and even get married and start families. But even if the avoidant addict outwardly appears to be very successful, happy and has no problems with close relationships. In fact, he can be very closed and cold when it comes to intimacy.
It is very important for anti-addicts to look good in the eyes of other people and give them the impression of a successful and strong person. This is why you may not recognize his counter-dependent traits in someone, because he may spend a lot of energy trying to “make a good impression.” And seem different from who he really is.
At the same time, dependent avoiders can be very sensitive to criticism and other people's disapproval. They often have narcissistic traits and can be very similar to people who are called "narcissists" or people with a narcissistic personality.
Counterdependents often desperately strive for freedom and violently protest against any restrictions or violations of their personal space. They often have difficulties with submission, it is very difficult for them to obey, but they themselves may strive for power in order to be obeyed. This gives them a sense of security and the ability to control what happens around them.
Many counterdependents with their behavior resemble rebellious teenagers or three-year-old children in crisis. And their motto is usually the same as that of children of this age, “I myself.” This often happens due to the fact that they were fixated on this age, there was some kind of trauma, due to which they were unable to successfully complete this crisis and move further in their development.
Counterdependent people often have problems with sensitivity; they forbid themselves to feel, because... feelings for them are a manifestation of weakness. Because of this, they have serious problems with empathy for other people; they do not know how to do this, because... No one has empathized with them before, they usually don't have that kind of experience in their lives.
The only “allowed” feeling for them is usually anger. They often become irritated and angry when other people express their feelings. Or they get scared and “freeze”, becoming cold and awkward.
Counterdependents usually have very strict personal boundaries, they can fiercely and aggressively defend them, which is why they themselves often violate other people’s boundaries. Often their unconscious motto is: “the best defense is an attack.”
Counterdependents have a hard time letting other people get close to them. And at the slightest hint of any insecurity, they increase the distance. Moreover, this insecurity may not exist in reality, but if it seemed to them that, for example, they were going to be controlled, or were going to be abandoned, rejected or criticized, then they immediately defend themselves. Often they do this without even talking to the person and without understanding the situation.
Therefore, it is very difficult to approach them, it is difficult to build relationships with them, although deep down they really need close and warm relationships. But intimacy is unbearable for them.
Possible solutions
While counterdependency is a serious problem, it is not an officially recognized mental disorder. The psychotherapist can assume that the patient has this problem based on his own testimony or the testimony of his loved ones. Here are the main signs of a disorder, compiled by psychologists Berry and Jenya Weinhold:
• difficulties in getting close to people and maintaining intimacy in intimate relationships
• the tendency after a breakup to consider former partners as bad or vicious
• difficulties in experiencing feelings (except anger and frustration)
• fear of control from other people
• the habit of saying “no” to new ideas proposed by others
• resistance to attempts at rapprochement and feelings of anxiety in close relationships
• constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others
• refusal to help, even if it is really needed
• fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears
• workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies, entertainment or other activities.
What should you do if you discover counter-dependent traits in your partner and you feel like this is negatively impacting the relationship? Firstly, you shouldn’t rely too much on self-diagnosis - it’s better to consult with a family therapist before making labels. Secondly, you should be honest with yourself about what you want from this relationship. And if the current state of affairs does not suit you, you should not put up with it. A common advice on the Internet is to try to keep the “elusive”, creating the impression that you do not claim anything and do not completely belong to him. Emphasize your boundaries in every possible way, restrain sentimental impulses and live your own busy life, limiting the number of meetings and manifestations of affection. Formally, these techniques are likely to work - the counterdependent has fewer reasons to run away from such a partner. But it’s worth thinking about how long you can withstand such a game and what is the point of a relationship if you keep it in this form.
Even if you believe that the person is “yours” and everything can work out, both must participate in saving the relationship - the partner must begin to recognize the problem and agree to work on it. In this case, joint sessions with a psychotherapist can give good results. If your partner refuses to admit that there is something wrong with him, your single-handed efforts are unlikely to lead to a happy ending.
For those who have encountered a counterdependent partner more than once, or in general you meet such characters with enviable regularity, it makes sense to go to a psychotherapist and figure it out with yourself - why do you like exactly such people?
Counterdependent people build close relationships with people other than them.
Counterdependents often run away from their dependence on other people into dependence on some behavior or some substances. Therefore, they very often have addictions - for example, workaholism, sexaholism, shopaholism, drug addiction, Internet addiction, compulsive travel habit, adrenaline addiction to extreme hobbies, etc.
We can say that they build those close relationships that they need deep down not with another person, but with some object or substance.
Counterdependents are especially common among workaholics and sexaholics. Because work helps them gain recognition from other people and look good in their eyes, because workaholism is a socially approved addiction.
And sex is often replaced with counter-dependent love. Deep down in their souls, they need love, but wanting this is very dangerous for their psyche. Deep down they don't believe that they can get love, they have lost hope of it. Therefore, they can receive warmth and physical contact through sex, while they may not become attached to their partner and may not perceive him as a person at all.
Also, counterdependent people can be very attached to animals, be very warm and emotionally involved with them, but at the same time avoid attachment to people.
Opposites attract
It sounds somewhat ironic, but a counterdependent and a codependent person are an ideal couple. People often choose a partner who has opposite character traits. The counterdependent partner is attracted to the care and attention shown by the codependent person. Under the mask of callousness and independence, the desire to love and be loved is deeply hidden.
Interestingly, over time, partners change roles. For example, a codependent person may get tired of trying to get closer and build a serious relationship. He decides to become counter-dependent. His other half has no choice but to change his behavior too. The lack of attention causes him anxiety and despair, so he tries to get it back by any means.
The main cause of counterdependence is attachment trauma and separation trauma.
The main reason for the formation of counterdependence is developmental trauma, or in other words, relationship trauma. These are injuries that we receive in early childhood (up to 3 years) in relationships with our parents.
There are two types of relationship trauma – attachment trauma and separation trauma.
From the moment of conception until 9 months, the child must form a bond with his mother, at this moment their attachment is formed (this stage is called codependent).
And then, from 9 months to three years, the child must gradually separate from his mother, become more independent and begin to explore the world (this is a counterdependent stage of development). At the same time, it is important that parents are available to the child when he needs support.
If at the stage of attachment formation (from the moment of conception to 9 months) the child experiences a break in communication with his mother (due to the fact that the mother is unavailable or problems arise during childbirth), periodically his needs are not met if he fails to form a reliable connection with mom. Then he cannot successfully complete this stage of development, and he develops an attachment trauma.
And at the stage of separation from the mother, the child may experience three problems - or he may decide to separate from her without ever being satisfied with the attachment, i.e. to separate from her before he is ready for it. This usually happens when the child loses hope of receiving warmth from his mother.
Or the child may never be able to separate, i.e. move away, separate from your mother for fear of losing her love. If, for example, the mother was very worried when the child tried to “separate” from her.
Or he could have experienced some other traumatic experience at the counterdependent stage of his development, most often this was violence. And in each of these cases, the child develops a separation trauma.
And such developmental traumas are the main reason for the formation of counter-dependence in a person. Which he then carries into his adult life.
My recommendations
Among my friends there are people who successfully struggle with counter-dependency. One of my friends, let's call her Alina, went through a difficult divorce. The relationship with my husband was already tense, and after the separation it became even worse. Trying to protect herself from further disappointment and pain, she limited her social circle to a minimum. She partially replaced live conversations with correspondence on social networks.
At some point, Alina realized that this could not continue. And she decided to learn to trust people again. To begin with, she turned to a psychologist for help, who helped her understand the reasons for the emergence of counter-dependence. It turned out that all this had been going on since childhood.
Afterwards, following the advice of a specialist, Alina thought through what she would like her future relationships to look like, worked through her fears and became convinced that most of them were far-fetched.
It's difficult to say what will happen next. But, at least now, my friend is no longer afraid to make new acquaintances, does not close herself off, and has at least learned to trust others a little.
Counterdependency in relationships - other causes
- Lack of intimacy in a relationship with mom or dad - when a person feels rejected by his parent, when he does not gain the experience of close relationships in his childhood, does not learn to be close to another person.
- Experienced violence (physical, sexual, psychological) or other systematic violation of a person’s personal boundaries - strong guardianship and control, absorption, shaming, triangulation (when the child is drawn into the problems of adults). Then the person spends his whole life trying to protect himself from repeating such an experience by establishing strict boundaries between himself and the rest of the world.
- Traumatic relationships between adults observed by a child. When he sees that relationships are about people hurting each other, he may decide that he doesn't need a relationship at all. When watching one parent abuse another, a child may develop what is called bystander trauma.
- Parental devaluation of feelings is when a person grows up in an environment where he is not allowed to express and experience feelings. Where his pain and other experiences are devalued - “why are you crying, nothing serious happened.” This can form counterdependent defenses in him later.
- Having to grow up too early is when something happened to a person as a child that forced him to become an adult too early. For example, his mother was sick or suffered from something, his parents were psychologically immature, and he had to take care of them. Or there were younger brothers and sisters to take care of. Or there was no money in the family. Or the child was left too much to his own devices, almost no one cared for him. Then he had to “grow up” at a time when in fact he was still small. And he could only do this with the help of “splitting off”, suppressing his childish, vulnerable, needy, dependent part. This formed his counter-dependence.
- Counterdependent behavior in one of the parents is when the child “copied” the behavior and habits of one of the significant adults. When counterdependency is a learned behavior.
- Negative beliefs about other people, relationships, love, affection, marriage, or yourself. What a person believes in, his negative attitudes can be the reason for his formation of avoidance addiction.
Mental states associated with these habits
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But there is also a very serious reason for concern. Counterdependent behavior in relationships among men is a direct path to loneliness, which invariably entails depression and anxiety.
In some cases, a person may, on the contrary, consciously exalt himself above others, turning into a narcissist. This will also not give him anything good in the end, except for the loss of the ability to empathize and sympathize with people.
Habit Definition
When we like a person and want to win him over with all our might, we often do not pay attention to the nuances of his behavior, but in vain. You still need to take a closer look at your prospective partner. People who diligently avoid getting close are characterized by:
- the presence of problems in the intimate sphere, you will not end up in bed with such a man soon;
- unwillingness to admit being wrong;
- obsession with one's own importance and abilities;
- criticism in any form is unacceptable.
Common Mistakes
What are the most common mistakes made by those who try to establish such a connection? And they usually make several wrong steps:
- they force events, they move towards rapprochement too early;
- they are trying to save, to warm up with their own feelings;
- they try to find their suddenly estranged partner and find out what’s going on;
- they reproach, blame for the current situation, because of which the relationship finally collapses and the counterdependent personality type begins to look for a new victim;
- they are afraid of losing their soulmate and do not make attempts to improve the situation;
- turn to dubious people (fortune tellers) for help, study horoscopes, and drown bad moods in alcohol
