How to forget a person who manipulates you closer and further

If you've ever tried to leave a manipulator, you know that it's hard to do, and forgetting about him is even harder. But I'll tell you how to achieve this! In this post you will learn how to forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”.

“Closer-further” is one of the most common manipulations at the early stage of a relationship. It leads to emotional dependence on the manipulator, which can only be broken if you work hard on yourself.

However, let's take it in order.

The post will be structured as follows.

First, I will tell you what the “closer-farther” manipulation is and why it works. Below I will give an example of such manipulation. Finally, I will give you three steps to help you let go of this person and become immune to such manipulation in the future.

What is “closer-farther” manipulation?

The idea of this manipulation is to alternate between giving and withdrawing attention in order to create a feeling of anxiety in you. With its help, you can easily be tied and in the future controlled.

This manipulation is based on the default desire for validation . This validation occurs through the provision of attention.

We simply love when we are given attention. And if the need for attention is properly exploited, adding the fear of losing this attention, you can make a person very pliable. This is the essence of the “closer-further” manipulation.

This manipulation, as its name suggests, consists of two phases.

The first phase is the “Closer” phase

During this phase, a person gets close to you in every possible way, shows you signs of attention, is as charming and courteous as possible with you, etc.

He can call and write to you often, give you compliments, look after you, arrange beautiful dates for you.

Add quality sex to the mix and you're hooked. You begin to see this person as a source of attention and validation that no one else can provide. Other people simply pale in comparison to him.

Second phase - “Next”

When you get used to the person enough, the “Next” phase begins.

The person moves away from you, and you develop fear, anxiety and misunderstanding of what is happening. In this state, you are very malleable and desperately want to regain the source of validation, that is, this person.

As soon as you reach a certain condition, a person suddenly appears on the horizon, and the “Closer” phase is activated again.

At first, you may be terribly sulky and offended that they treated you this way, but this is temporary. Very soon you will become even more attached to this person, because you are subconsciously afraid that he might leave again.

Attention! This manipulative tactic can work in several cycles, and with each cycle you become more and more attached to the manipulator. Moreover, you become attached not only during the positive phase, that is, the “closer” phase, but also during the negative, that is, “further” phase. After all, the more you think about someone, the more attached you become to them.

An important caveat needs to be made here.

Why do men become manipulators?

If you realize that your husband is an egoist and manipulator, it’s time to figure out what made him like that. After all, this is not a genetic predisposition or a congenital anomaly. This behavior is influenced by psychological aspects:

Own unfulfillment. When a man fails to realize himself in the areas he expected, he looks for where he can apply his power. And a woman for this type is an ideal option. He satisfies his unfulfilled ambitions at the expense of the victim’s weakness.
Underestimated. Such a man does not believe in his own strength and therefore seeks support from others. But at the same time, from the outside he still wants to appear independent. By manipulating a woman, a guy increases his ego, but at the same time does not trust others and tries to control everything around him. Such a person will use the girl for his own purposes, and even if he gets bored with you and wants to leave you, know: a manipulator always returns to the victim.
Fear of close relationships. Why does this happen? The guy went through a difficult relationship, his girlfriend betrayed him and now he is afraid to truly become attached to anyone. Manipulation in this case is the desire to distance oneself from feelings, but at the same time keep the woman close.

On purpose or unintentionally?

“Closer-further” can occur both consciously and intentionally, and unconsciously. In this post, I am writing only about the first, deliberate option, in which a person specifically uses manipulative tactics to tie you to himself, while perfectly understanding what he is doing and why.

If you want to know what to do if you are caught in a never-ending cycle of getting closer and further away in a long-term relationship with someone who seems to be behaving this way unconsciously, then leave a comment on this post.

If I see that the post “gets” the public, then I will definitely make a second part, where I will talk about the “closer-further” cycle in long-term relationships, and what to do there.

Acquaintance

How to communicate with manipulators? This question was probably asked by almost every person who had to intersect with people of this type. Communication with them is a rather interesting, but difficult process. Many people fall under the influence of manipulators and cannot get off this “hook”. This is a difficult situation, since such individuals actively use their tools to influence other people. Usually this is flattery, well-structured blackmail and playing on feelings of guilt.

Often they also use energy vampirism. Therefore, people in their environment tend to spend not only their money and time, but also their own life resources.

What does the “Closer-further” manipulation lead to?

Let's say you met an attractive and charming man.

Unfortunately, it turns out that he is not only attractive and charming, but also endowed with a bunch of subconscious fears of abandonment, low self-esteem and a large dependence on the need to have the illusion of control in relationships.

Let’s say that such a man uses not only his attractiveness and charm, but also manipulative tactics “closer and further” to seduce you and tie you to him.

And so you managed to fall into his trap. Over time, you began to read materials on the topic of your situation with him and learned about such a thing as “closer-farther” manipulation. You realized that you had actually become a victim of this manipulation and decided to end this relationship.

But you find that you cannot forget this person. You depend on him emotionally.

The manipulator and his victim

There is always a long-term relationship between this couple. They depend on each other and are constantly attracted. On the one hand, this is power, on the other, submission.

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The manipulator believes that he must and has the right to dictate his own rules. He may imagine himself as an assistant, a patron. His victim unknowingly allows him to do this.

This type of relationship is most often found in couples:

parents and children;
spouses;
superior and subordinate.

Not everyone becomes a victim. Typically, such a person meets the following characteristics:

Has not matured psychologically or is directly dependent on the manipulator. This category often includes children whose adolescent personality has not yet formed.
Has weaknesses: kind, sympathetic, impulsive, in love.
There are no own goals, desires, positions. He perceives other people's ideas and aspirations as his own.
Does not know how or does not strive to resist the manipulator, analyze relationships, and is ready to endure discomfort.

The manipulator on his own is often unable to achieve the desired heights. He uses the energy, strength, and talent of the victim for this.

The latter suffers not only morally, but also physically. After communicating with the manipulator, malaise, headache, and insomnia occur.

Prolonged contact threatens various kinds of diseases and disorders. To avoid this, you will have to learn to resist the manipulator. As a result, a person will remove the shackles of victimhood, learn to respect his interests, and be firmer in his convictions.

What should I do to forget this person?

To forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”, you need to take three steps.

Step 1. - Stop contact, for good.

You must decide to stop contacting him at all costs.

Important! This decision is necessary to make, because subconsciously you understand perfectly well that the most effective way to stop thinking about this person is to return to him. The result of using manipulative tactics towards you is that you cannot find peace for yourself if he is not around.

But for us returning is not an option. Therefore, it is necessary to cut off your escape routes. This is the essence of the first step.

Step 2. Work through the image of this person in your mind.

Read my post “How to get someone out of your head.”

This post is universal. It is suitable for all situations, be it unrequited love, painful falling in love, a terrible resentment towards a person, because of which you cannot get rid of thoughts of revenge, intense jealousy and other situations.

Near-far manipulation is just one of these situations. This post will help you.

Step 3. Start working on yourself

This is the most important step.

You see, not every person can become a victim of manipulation.

In order for you to be manipulated, you must have a set of certain psychological conditioning that allows others to do this.

And specifically in your case, that is, when manipulating “closer-further”, you must have three things:

A combination of conscious fear of abandonment and subconscious fear of intimacy.
Low self-esteem.
Low threshold of sensitivity to feelings of insecurity and insecurity in relationships.

Before I go into more detail about each of these things, I will make an important note.

These three things work closely together. Taken separately, none of them by themselves will lead to you being manipulated. Therefore, you will have to deal with everyone at once and at the same time, but I will write about this in more detail below.

First, a few words about the first thing, that is, about fear.

Introvert's reaction

It is believed that extroverts are mainly guilty of manipulation. And the hardest thing for them is to conduct a dialogue with introverts. It is difficult for them to be in the same room with them, and communication sometimes becomes unbearable. This is your weapon! You can remain silent for a long time before responding to the manipulator. Make a mysterious appearance and smile slightly, then pause for a longer time. Also remain silent for the next phrase. The manipulator must see that you are listening to him; there is no need to look around while talking to him. Concentrate on the conversation. After some time, state that you completely agree with the opinion of your interlocutor, but such a complex topic requires time to think about. Sooner or later, the manipulator will lose patience with communicating with the introvert and will find a victim with whom it will be easier to negotiate.

You are afraid of both distance and closeness

The fear of abandonment works very simply. He appears in the Next phase. When a person moves away from you, you are afraid, and you realize this fear.

Important! In many ways, your inability to forget about him now is precisely the manifestation of this fear, although sometimes it may seem to you that this is the personification of some kind of great warm feelings for this person. But this is fear.

The subconscious fear of intimacy, in turn, is a more insidious and subtle thing.

It manifests itself in the early stages of the Closer phase, and this is how it works.

It should be noted that many people would be very uncomfortable with the attention of their romantic partner falling on them at the very beginning of a relationship. Moreover, even if a person has healthy self-esteem.

If he has just met someone, and the new acquaintance immediately begins to pour a whole tub of attention onto his head, this causes a feeling of discomfort, and perhaps even mixed with skepticism.

How can it be that at the very beginning of a relationship, a newly made boyfriend provides so much attention? Why on earth? It's either he has such low self-esteem that he feels forced to provide so much attention, or it's a manipulative tactic.

This suffocates many, but not you

Regardless of whether it is manipulation or just stuffiness and clinginess, for most people this behavior is a no-no, and it will cause discomfort, and very quickly. They will be inclined not to continue such a relationship.

Attention! But you, since you have a subconscious fear of intimacy, will be able to continue only such relationships in which such attention will be poured on you.

The usual amount of attention is not enough for you. You need to receive confirmation over and over again that you are desired, and only then will you allow yourself to start getting closer to the person. And if someone approaches you without so much attention, because of your fear of intimacy, you won’t even be able to... get closer to this person!

So it turns out that the people you get close to are either insecure or manipulators.

How to avoid manipulation

Use the following tips to resist manipulation in any relationship:

Know your basic rights When dealing with a manipulator, the most important thing is to know your rights and understand when they are being violated. As long as you don't harm other people, you have the right to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from anyone. On the other hand, if you harm other people, you may lose these rights.
Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is useless to try to out-manipulate a skilled player; you will simply leave yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You won't change a manipulator, so you need to focus on his shortcomings and try to achieve understanding. You might think it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how their behavior affects you, but this is usually not helpful since most manipulators lack empathy and can use this information. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to remove it by changing yourself. This will change the dynamics of a manipulative relationship. If you stop playing along with his every whim, you will automatically change the nature of your relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in a relationship, they usually give up, leaving the relationship and finding someone else who is more controllable.
Find out the value of this relationship for yourself Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and integrity, you may need to consider whether this relationship is worth pursuing. Of course, there are many situations (for example, parent - child) when you cannot simply cut this person out of your life. Therefore, it is useful to clarify for yourself what you want to achieve and evaluate how this relationship can lead to your personal goals.
Use Confidence-Boosting Techniques to Change the Nature of Your Relationship You may be so used to obeying a manipulator's tactics that you automatically follow his orders without even thinking about it. You need to stop automatically fulfilling requirements. Pause, take time to think about each situation that arises. “We’ll come back to this conversation after I’ve thought it over.” At this stage you will be in control of the situation. The manipulator will insist on an immediate response in order to regain control. Just repeat the same thing over and over without explanation. "I need more time to think about this." "I will think about it". These words have special power. They can be used between a seller and a buyer, during romantic communication with an impatient pursuer, in family and everyday relationships, and in your work environment. Take the time to evaluate the pros and cons of the situation and consider whether you want to negotiate a fairer agreement or whether you're better off saying no.
You need to confront the fear, anxiety, or guilt that in the past caused you to submit to the demands of the manipulator. This requires a deep understanding of yourself. Explore your personal feelings, why you react the way you do, and how to use alternative responses. This process requires a lot of effort and time, but it is worth it. This could save your relationship in the long run, or at least prepare you for another, healthier relationship.
Identify the manipulation as it is “When you threaten to leave me, I become scared and anxious. You can just tell me what you want, it will be fair to me. I am able to calmly listen to you and understand you.” Say it without unnecessary emotion and with direct eye contact. Announce that the era of manipulation is over, it’s time to move on to trusting relationships. “We both understand that you have a habit of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of intimidating me won’t work anymore.” By making such clear statements, you define your boundaries. No need to threaten. Just state that you will no longer participate in manipulation. Let her know that by setting limits you are trying to improve your relationship.
Focus on your relationship with the manipulator, asking him and yourself probing questions. Psychological manipulation in relationships inevitably comes down to requests or demands. A manipulator will make you bend over backwards to satisfy his needs. When you hear unreasonable requests, don't immediately comply. Focus all your attention on the manipulator. Ask him a few test questions to see if he is aware of his words and actions. Does he consider his request fair and justified? When you ask such questions, you put up a mirror so that the manipulator can see his trick from the outside. If the manipulator has a certain degree of self-awareness, he is likely to give up his demand and back down. On the other hand, pathological manipulators (such as narcissists) will brush off your questions and insist on their own. If this happens, use the following tips to maintain your power and stop the manipulation.
Learn to say “No” not rudely, but firmly. Learning to say “No” not rudely, but firmly means practicing the art of communication. An effective refusal will allow you to defend your position while maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your basic human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to refuse others without guilt, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life.
Safely resist aggressive manipulators Blackmail and manipulation in relationships do not pose any threat in themselves, as long as they do not turn into the threat of real violence. A psychological manipulator can become very aggressive, intimidating and harmful to another person. The most important thing to remember about bullies is that they choose a weak victim, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Remember that many aggressors are very cowardly by nature. When their victims begin to show firmness and defend their rights, the aggressor gradually retreats. This rule applies to schoolyards as well as home and office spaces. On the other hand, research shows that many aggressors themselves become victims of violence. This in no way excuses their aggressive behavior, but it will help you look at the aggressive manipulator in a calmer light. When people don't like themselves, they have to compensate. The classic aggressor was actually once the first victim. Aggressive manipulation in love relationships most often occurs between those people who experienced violence in childhood and witnessed abuse between parents.

When faced with a classic aggressor, be sure to put yourself in a position where you can safely defend yourself. You have to consider the fact whether you are alone or whether there are other people nearby who can help you. If physical, verbal, or emotional abuse occurs, consult with legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It is very important to stand up to the bully, and you should not do it alone.
Outline the consequences When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your personal boundaries and does not accept a firm refusal as an answer, tell him the consequences of his request. What will the manipulator get as a result, and what will it cost you? The ability to see and clearly articulate the consequences of your actions is one of the most important skills you can use to stop a manipulator. A person who knows how to sensibly assess a situation, see the upcoming consequences and not follow the manipulator’s lead deserves respect and no longer acts as a victim.

Low self-esteem: run after me

Low self-esteem leads to the fact that you love when people run after you, because it gives you the feeling that you are needed, desired and valuable.

A person with healthy self-esteem does not need people to run after him. He does not have a lack of attention, love and care, which he is trying to compensate for through an inadequate amount of attention from a new boyfriend. He is able to give this care, attention and love to himself.

Therefore, when so much attention begins to pour on his head, he perceives it not as an opportunity to satisfy his inadequate emotional needs, but as an unnecessary excess.

At first, excessive attention may touch him, but very soon it will bore him. It begins to choke him.

On the other hand, a person with low self-esteem needs just this. And this makes such a person more susceptible to various manipulative tactics.

You can't stand feeling insecure in a relationship.

Feeling safe and comfortable in a relationship is a delicate thing. In many ways, it depends not so much on the person you are with or what kind of relationship you have, but on what kind of person you are.

If you have a very high sensitivity to anxiety, then as soon as a person withdraws their attention even a little, you begin to get nervous and twitch. In this state you are very easy to manipulate.

In addition, when a relationship ends (including because you decided to end it), you begin to think more and more about this person. You want to return to him to finally get rid of the feeling of insecurity.

During the “Closer” phase you had this feeling, but now instead of it you have a feeling of anxiety and insecurity.

If you initially had a higher threshold for sensitivity to anxiety, it would be much easier for you to forget this person now.

Feel free to express your thoughts and opinions

As long as you are afraid to show your own self, you will not be able to understand how to communicate with a manipulator - man or woman. Do not try to remain silent in a situation where this is absolutely forbidden. You should not be afraid to defend your point of view and views. If you do not understand this, then you will almost always have to live according to orders. Moreover, under the influence of manipulators, most people begin to think with imposed opinions.

People who prefer to put control of their lives in the hands of another person, and are ready to simply go with the flow, often become victims of manipulators. It is in your interests and strength to answer the person to his face about what you really think about a particular situation. And until you learn to do this, you will be constantly taken advantage of.

How to forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”

To finally forget him, you need to work through all these things - fears, low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity in the relationship.

It is important to realize that these things operate on a subconscious level, which means they need to be processed accordingly.

More specifically, it is necessary to remove the emotional charge from the intertwined subconscious roots of these things.

What subconscious roots are we talking about?

For example, subconscious attitudes from childhood, especially from your relationship with your parents. In many ways, it was your relationship with your parents that predetermined how you behave with other people in adulthood.

These are childhood grievances, fears and anxieties that have shaped these same attitudes.

And also these are limiting beliefs about how you need to build relationships with people in order to satisfy your hypertrophied emotional needs, dependence on your sense of self-importance, automaticity of emotional response and other subconscious roots of your susceptibility to manipulation.

In order to work through these things, you need to engage your subconscious. If you work only on a conscious level, you simply will not get to such deep things as, for example, grievances in early childhood or your unconscious fears.

Therefore, you need a system that would allow you to work through your entire subconscious and eliminate from there everything that forces you to manipulate “closer and further.”

There is such a system, and it’s called Turbo Gopher.

How to resist a manipulator

There are a number of specific skills that will prevent you from being made a victim.

First of all, remember that you have the same rights as everyone else:

have your own opinion, different from others;
Express feelings;
set your priorities;
protect yourself from emotional and physical abuse;
respectful attitude of others.

The rights of any person are infringed from time to time. It is in your power to defend them, not to show weakness. If you do not have a personal or work relationship with the manipulator, you should not continue communication. It ruins your mood, lowers your self-esteem and drains your vitality.

What is Turbo Gopher?

Turbo Gopher is a super-powerful system for clearing the mind of garbage:

Your negative emotions - fears, anxiety, envy, jealousy, resentment, etc.,
Limiting ideas and beliefs
Negative attitudes,
Complexes
Emotional traumas
Dependencies and
Everything that prevents you from being happy and taking your life into your own hands.

Turbo-Gopher works with the emotional charge of your internal problems. It discharges traumatic episodes of the past, eliminating them in an environmentally friendly manner, rather than smoothing them over. The problem is that the average person has thousands of these episodes. In Turbo Gopher, for the first time, the huge hidden computing power of the subconscious was used to process your internal problems, which allows you to “shovel” the past in just a few months and work through those episodes that you don’t even remember anymore.

What’s great is that you don’t need to dive back into painful episodes of the past and relive them - you just need to point out them with your attention, and the subconscious mind itself will work through them according to the given algorithms that you will receive after you start working on this system.

Finally, Turbo Gopher is a system for self-improvement . With this system, you don't need psychologists, therapists, self-development gurus, lectures, seminars, blogs or YouTube videos. All you need is the desire for maximum inner freedom and the willingness to seriously work on yourself.

Turbo gopher is not a system for everyone. It requires a lot of work from a person and a willingness to make big changes, but rewards this with dramatic changes for the better in almost all areas of life. Freedom from automatic response, freedom from dependence on approval, acceptance and attention, immunity to all sorts of manipulative tactics, emotional balance, improved relationships, radically increased awareness and self-sufficiency - these are just some of the many natural bonuses from working on yourself using this system.

If you want to clear your brain of garbage as much as possible, stop fooling yourself, free yourself from all grievances, gain self-sufficiency and emotional balance and - as a bonus - forgive and let go of the person who is trying to manipulate you and never fall for this kind of manipulation again - subscribe to the FREE newsletter about the system here and download the PDF manual for the system.

Shield from manipulation

You come to work, and the boss tells you:

- You are our best employee! Therefore, we will put you to work at the most unprofitable point! Who, if not you, will cope with this?

What should be done?

Track your feelings. I am glad that my superiors appreciate me. I'm afraid of letting my colleagues down.
Take a break. “Thank you very much, I’ll think about it until tomorrow.”
Ask yourself the question “why?” Why should I agree to this?
Realize your desires. Yes, I am interested in this task. But only if my efforts are rewarded.
Think through your answer based on your goals. “Thank you for your trust. Let’s discuss increasing my salary due to the additional workload.”
Maintain internal balance during a conversation. Speak to the point. At this moment, if the interlocutor is ready for a constructive solution to the issue, he will compromise: “Okay, we will increase your salary by 10%.”

In most cases, this shield is enough for you. He will help you make the right decision and not promise too much, which you will regret later.

If you refuse or doubt, a simple shield against manipulation will not work. In this case, the opponent is trying to bend you, get you emotional and deprive you of your sense of balance. In this case, it remains to exit the communication with dignity:

Don't get emotional in response. They are trying to unbalance you so that you switch to an emotional dialogue: “Me? But you..." One of my life hacks in this situation is to “play like a fool” and answer neutrally: “good”, “it happens” and the catchphrase “what do you mean?” This puts the attacker into a stupor, and you get time to normalize your breathing and think about how to take communication in a different direction or not to get involved in further communication at all.

Manipulation Shield is a basic technique. If he doesn’t help, we fight the manipulator with his own weapons.

The shield does not help with aggressive manipulators. Therefore, if you feel increasing pressure, it’s time to take away from the enemy his own weapon - manipulation.

Download the manipulation guide

“10 ways to protect yourself and avoid manipulation”

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