- September 6, 2018
- Manias and Phobias
- Marina Pislegina
Every person at least once in his life has heard the following phrase from another person: “I don’t trust people.” But why does a man or woman talk about this? What is this - a phobia or a pathological condition associated with some kind of fear? Is it possible that distrust of people arose due to the betrayal of a loved one? Unfortunately yes. Moreover, lack of trust in others is a psychological problem that can be dealt with. Otherwise, a person will not be able to live a full life, create a family, or make friends. Find out more detailed information on this topic from the article.
A short introduction
First you need to figure out why a person stops trusting other people. In fact, every negative experience experienced in the past leaves a serious imprint not only on the soul, but also on the heart. Most often, mistrust arises due to the experienced betrayal of a loved one, the deception of a friend or comrade. In most cases, past problems in relationships with people can seriously harm a person in the future.
Many of us have at least once heard the following phrase from someone: “I don’t trust people.” But why does this happen? Is a lack of trust in other people a serious barrier to living a fulfilling and happy life? Unfortunately, yes, but this problem can be dealt with.
Trust yourself
Something that shouldn't always be trusted - what does that mean? Trust is not just about relationships between people. Sometimes they say that you don't always need to trust yourself .
We are talking, first of all, about feelings.
When we experience an emotional outburst (both high and low), we are not always accurate in our interpretation of what is happening.
The emotional component comes from the ancient, animal essence of man.
It is associated with instincts and conflicts with thinking, rational knowledge: logic, cause-and-effect relationships.
For example, a guy is crazy about a girl. Not only does he not notice her negative character traits, but he completely ignores the advice and criticism of friends or parents. This is the clearest example for which the statement “Feelings should not always be trusted” is true.
The reproductive instinct recognized the girl as suitable and good for a relationship. But instinct cares, first of all, about appearance, healthy appearance . Reliability, loyalty, kindness, tenderness - these qualities should excite the consciousness.
But because the instinct is stronger, the mind is often blocked . That is why it is important to have the skills of self-knowledge and self-criticism, to be able to ask questions: “Am I wrong?”, “Maybe I’m wrong?”, “What makes me act this way.”
Despite the large role of the emotional sphere, rationality can make adjustments in behavior and help not to do anything stupid.
What should be done?
The most interesting thing is that life in society is quite difficult for distrustful people. They want to constantly control others and thus constantly forget about themselves. But to learn to trust people, you need to allow them to make mistakes. Once a person stops controlling others, he will have more time for himself.
In addition, you need to remember that there are no ideal people, and therefore everyone can make mistakes. But you need to be able to forgive. Even if after a certain bad deed a person does not communicate with a friend, acquaintance, colleague, then there is no need to hold a grudge against them for a long time.
It is also worth learning to understand people. After all, if a woman was betrayed by her husband or girlfriend, this does not mean at all that other people can do the same. The main thing is to monitor what a person does not say, but does. You only need to evaluate actions and actions.
A person you can trust will always come to the rescue in difficult times, will not leave you in trouble, will not gossip behind your back, and will always keep his promise. You should not maintain any kind of relationship with envious people, as well as people who constantly deceive and do bad things, so as not to be disappointed later. This needs to be remembered.
Why should you trust?
It is desirable to treat people with trust not at all in order to please them. It is clear that the image of a gloomy subject, looking warily at the entire people, cannot evoke pleasant feelings. But at the end of the day, he doesn't have to be nice and comfortable to everyone. And the point is not this, but the fact that a person who does not trust anyone first of all harms himself.
Judge for yourself: any person needs friendly relationships for psychological comfort. A person is designed in such a way that he needs someone else to whom he can open up, pour out his soul, talk about painful things, and ask for advice. And without mutual trust this is impossible.
Without trusting your partner, you cannot build a family. It’s scary to imagine what the situation might be like in a home where a husband and wife are suspicious of each other. In this case, there is no need to talk about love and spiritual intimacy! And what is it like for children to grow up in such an environment? Contact with them, by the way, is also based on trust.
And a person who does not trust people dooms himself to career failure. Numerous psychological studies indicate that only a close-knit team of like-minded people functions effectively and achieves success. In such a team there is no envy, noisy talk, bullying and other unpleasant things that interfere with business.
Professional achievements, friendship, family, children - basic values. If they are not there, a person does not feel happy. Moreover, the inability to maintain sincere relationships based on trust can even lead to stress and neuroses.
After betrayal
If a person says that “I don’t trust people because I was betrayed in the past,” then this means only one thing - the burden of disappointments once experienced does not allow the latter to live fully and be happy. In this case we are talking about betrayal of a loved one.
It is possible that a woman was once betrayed by her husband, and after breaking up with him, she was never able to find personal happiness and get married again due to her distrust of the opposite sex. The problem in this case is obvious.
In such a situation, people need to find the strength within themselves and forgive their ex-partner. But it’s still not worth returning to the traitor. Especially if the husband has already cheated on his wife.
If the offender still repents and asks for forgiveness, then you need to listen to him. This will make things easier for both partners.
There are couples who, having separated due to the betrayal of one of the partners (most often the husband, because men very rarely forgive betrayal), reunite to start a family. But without trust they can no longer build normal relationships. In such a situation, time must pass. It is possible that in a few months the resentment will pass, emotions will subside, and the spouses will be able to build a new harmonious relationship.
Why trust others?
And here we come to another important question: why should we take such risks by trusting others? After all, in trust there is a risk of getting an undesirable reaction, and this is a real disadvantage. However, there are also advantages, and very significant ones.
Any strong relationship is built on trust, and without it it simply doesn’t work out.
The main way to include another person in a relationship with you is to trust him or her about something.
Example: One of the participants in my therapy group, who in the exercise did not trust the other participants with personal stories about herself, said that she was very touched by the trust of the other participants in her. These other participants in the exercise approached her and entrusted her with something personal. As a result, she developed a lot of warmth towards them and was able to open up in return.
What psychologists advise
How to learn to trust people after resentment and betrayal experienced in the past? Not only women, but also men often turn to specialists with this question.
Psychologists advise doing the following in this situation:
- Find out the reason for the mistrust. As a rule, this problem stems from the past, unsuccessful life experiences.
- You need to forgive your offender, even if it is very difficult.
- It is imperative to analyze what happened and draw conclusions for yourself, because because of one sad incident in the past, you do not need to deprive your entire social circle of trust.
- Take a piece of paper and write on it all the psychological judgments about why you can’t trust other people (for example, they constantly deceive, betray), and then refute everything written with positive incidents from life (if it weren’t for my husband’s betrayal, I wouldn’t have met my the only and beloved person).
- It is necessary to always have a positive attitude when communicating with people who do not deserve distrust from their interlocutor.
By following this advice from psychologists, you can get rid of this psychological problem forever. After all, if a person says “I don’t trust people,” this means that he has serious reasons for this. Using the above tips you can deal with this problem.
Look for the root of the problem in childhood
Why don't you trust people? You need to remember all the attitudes of your parents who forbade you to trust others. For example, mothers often tell their children not to trust adult strangers, as they may deceive. Also, your parents may have told you to avoid classmates who are not well behaved. The attitudes of relatives could also concern a person’s self-esteem. For example, your parents may have told you that to do something well, you need to do it yourself. As a result, the child grows up with the firm conviction: “I don’t trust anyone.” Such words often scroll through a person’s head, thereby preventing him from existing normally. You should realize all the attitudes that your parents have instilled in you that prevent you from trusting people. When you do this, you should write each of them down on a piece of paper one by one and translate the negative sentences into positive interpretations. For example, the phrase “I don’t trust anyone or anything” needs to be rewritten - “I trust this world and am always open to new proposals.” Read statements like these every day and force yourself to believe them, we also recommend reading about the roots of this problem in this article: https:///article/381599/chelovek-kotoryiy-ne-verit-lyudyam-s-chem-svyazano-ego -nedoverie.
Fear of being deceived again
It also happens that a person develops a pathological distrust of others. Of course, this is influenced by events of the past, negative experiences in love relationships, betrayal of a friend. But what next? All the sad events have already happened, but what still prevents a person from continuing to live fully, love, and build relationships? This is fear. A person is simply afraid to relive the same negative experience. Therefore, in order to start trusting people, you need to find the reason for your distrust, and then move on to the investigation.
How can they be so careless
In general, I went to a lot of doctors before the last one was a psychotherapist. Of course, people with anxiety disorders are least likely to be afraid of going crazy. Rather, it seems that everyone else is out of their depth. How can they be so careless when there are so many dangers lurking around?
I am not a doctor or a psychologist. But in the process of struggling with anxiety, I developed rules that helped me control it. Treatment of an anxiety disorder is not a matter of one month and sometimes even more than one year. At the same time, one must learn to coexist with it. We have to get up in the morning, take the children to school, go to work, and do household chores. This is very difficult if you are paralyzed by fear, and all your thoughts are occupied with one thing. But when you live in fear for a long time, you have life hacks.
Photo: Correy Nicole/Flickr
To the above
If a woman was ever betrayed by a man, then this had to happen. This is an experience. But this does not mean that you need to withdraw into yourself and not allow yourself to love and start new relationships. You just need to be realistic. We must learn to understand people, see their actions, and not just listen to words.
If a person is afraid of losing something close and dear again, this means that something similar has already happened in his life. But you need to continue to live, start a family, make new friends. However, you don’t need to blindly believe everything. The experience was given so that a person understands that people are different. Some will always be faithful, while others will betray at the right moment. This needs to be taken into account.
Positive qualities of an Outcast
Outcasts tend to be mobile, motivated, and determined to succeed in a particular endeavor. Even if a reward is not expected, they will be happy to express themselves in this way. Outcasts are often successful. Where most people would have given up long ago or given up hope of making a difference, the Outcast is persistent and willing to take risks.
The Outcast may not always be a great team player, but he is capable of being an excellent leader. An outcast, in principle, is not afraid of mistakes, uses any opportunities and knows how to take responsibility.
The Outcast is an individualist, he thinks critically and often has extraordinary opinions. These people tend to be attracted to careers that allow them to think outside the box, recognize their individual achievements, and promote recognition. They prefer to do everything on their own, to lead, rather than follow other people's instructions.
FAQ
How to trust people if a person has previously experienced a serious negative experience? Most importantly, you don't need to constantly think about your past. Everything bad has already happened, for example, my husband left the family, my friend betrayed me, my colleague set me up at work and my boss fired me. However, this does not mean that the girl will not be able to get married again and become happy, find a new job and make friends with another, more decent person. Therefore, in order to get rid of mistrust of other people, you do not need to constantly remember the negative past and dwell on bad experiences. After all, after a black streak in life there always comes a white one.
Can you trust people who have already betrayed you once? Not only men, but also women often turn to specialists with this question. So, psychologists believe that everything depends on the specific situation. Although it is hardly possible to justify betrayal. However, if a person sincerely repents and asks for forgiveness for his actions, then another can forgive him, although he is not obliged to do so. Nevertheless, it is unlikely that it will be possible to regain trust in a person here. After all, whoever betrayed once can betray a second time. Don't forget about this.
Demeanor
When a person stands straight, does not slouch, but also does not behave too strictly or tensely, it is comfortable to communicate with him. An even, natural, slightly relaxed posture relieves tension between interlocutors and allows people to communicate more freely and openly.
Often, shy people tend to squeeze in during a conversation and take up as little space as possible, take a defensive position or hide their hands in their pockets. This is a big mistake, you cannot do this - such behavior makes you wary.
Interesting fact: people are more willing to trust those who are somehow similar to them. This applies to both appearance and behavior.
For example, if a person stands with his right leg slightly forward when talking, then he will be more trusting of someone who takes a similar pose. Psychologists explain this by saying that a person subconsciously notes similar habits and mistakes the interlocutor for “one of his own.”
Addition
Why doesn't a person trust? Most often, precisely because he has already encountered deception and betrayal in his life. However, not all people who have had negative experiences in the past withdraw into themselves and stop seeing and communicating with others. Although this also happens.
For example, a man no longer wants to build serious relationships with women due to the fact that his beloved girl did not wait for him from the army. The latter believes that all representatives of the fair sex can do the same. But, fortunately, this is not the case. Moreover, when people have such fear of building new relationships and meeting another person, they definitely need to work through this problem with a psychologist and get rid of it. This needs to be remembered.
But here everything is simple. Or not?
1. Are they people? 2. If yes, they cannot be trusted.
Honestly, dogs shouldn't either. One looked me very intently in the eyes and at the same time tried to steal food from my plate. He thought that if he looked into my eyes, I wouldn't notice what he was doing.
So how to live in this cruel world, who to trust? Do not forget that this is not the expert opinion of psychologists, but the answers of ordinary people, each of whom has their own life experience. People are different, and this is subjective. How do you determine whether a person is trustworthy or not?
Lawyer
The desire to comply with the letter of the law to the letter may seem unnecessary to some. But for people working in the legal field, this is a big advantage.
It is especially useful for drafting contracts, wills and other types of legal documents. Nothing will be missed during preparation! After all, accuracy is very important in any legal situation.
