10 reasons why you can't do anything

We have all experienced failure at some point. There could be many reasons for this, but let's be honest, in most cases they all boil down to one thing: when life offers us some opportunities, we tend to avoid the pressure and difficulties that come with moving forward. It’s much easier to immediately accept defeat: who knows what awaits you on the way to your dream?

And here are the 10 main reasons for failure, which represent entire strategies for avoiding working on yourself. Following these strategies, we will certainly end up in failure. Read and cry.

Are you afraid to stand out?

Any society monitors each of its members so that they do not demonstrate excessive self-confidence.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

American essayist, poet and philosopher

People don't like it when others change or do things that make them feel uncomfortable. When you challenge yourself to achieve your ideal, others perceive it as a threat to their inner balance. The success of others makes them reflect on their own failures and wasted potential. This is quite unpleasant, so most people will react to your actions with aggression.

This is the truth of life. If you want to achieve something extraordinary, something that will set you apart from everyone else, you will have to understand that you are different and learn to live with it.

People will call you weird, crazy, selfish, arrogant, irresponsible, obnoxious, stupid, rude, shallow, insecure, fat, and ugly. They will try to “bring you back to reality,” to force you to behave like a “normal” person. Perhaps those closest to you will be the most cruel to you. If you are not confident enough in your ideas and desires, then you will not get far.

Psychologist on how to overcome the idea that you are a loser

WHAT TO DO WITH THEM?

– Some attitudes make our life easier, but most, on the contrary, complicate it. All installations can be worked with, and we have the strength and capabilities to do this.

There is no magic pill for negative attitudes; it requires discipline, responsibility and regularity. The first stage is identifying and tracking negative attitudes. Starting to notice them is the first step towards change. This is quite difficult to do on your own. It’s easier if the attitude was formed quite recently, but if it was a “gift” or “inheritance” from family or society, then difficulties may arise.

You need to test the strength of a negative attitude : what will happen in your life if you get rid of it? Why did you need it? After all, it often happens that a secondary benefit is hidden behind the attitude: for example, meeting the expectations of society and parents. To change such an attitude means not meeting the expectations of society, betraying parents, experiencing guilt, fear, and anger. It often happens that it is easier for us to suffer and complain than to solve a problem. It's easier to come up with a bunch of excuses for why we didn't do something than to explain why we don't want to do something. It is important to understand what need our negative attitudes satisfied and how to satisfy this need without resorting to them. We need to think about what we will replace the removed installation with so that there is no emptiness left.

Then you can begin to reformulate the negative attitude into a positive one . You need to formulate a rational alternative belief and try to follow it in reality.

For example, when setting to catastrophizing, you need to replace an extremely negative assessment of the situation with one closer to reality. Answer yourself the questions: “What is the worst that can happen?”, “What will I do if this happens?”, “What will be the consequences?” Or, when establishing a must, remember how often people behave the way you intended, and replace the words “must”, “must”, “should” with the words “want”, “would like”. Or, with an evaluative attitude, try to evaluate not individual traits and actions of people, but the personality as a whole.

The process will take some time, but the more you try, the more you will succeed. It is important to reformulate negative attitudes into action. For example, “every time I become more and more beautiful.” The wording “every time” speaks of the application of your efforts and your activity. We need to act, and act differently than before. After all, by formulating a positive attitude, we thus take responsibility and begin to act in accordance with these changes. Yes, this may cause fear and resistance, but this is normal, because you are breaking the rules you have set for yourself. Don’t take on all the negative attitudes at once, work with one or two. Try, challenge your automatic thoughts, record results and changes. If something doesn't work out, don't be afraid to ask for help.

You lack persistence

In 2009, Karl Marlantes finally published the novel Matterhorn, based on his own memories of the Vietnam War. The book became a bestseller. The New York Times called it "one of the most profound and affecting works about the war." According to Black Hawk Down author Mark Bowden, Matterhorn is the greatest book about the Vietnam War.

How did Marlantes achieve such success? For 35 years he sought to have his book published. This is more than half of his entire life. He rewrote the manuscript six times. In the first two decades after the book was written, publishers rejected the novel as soon as they read it.

There are quite a lot of such stories. Remember Walt Disney, who was considered untalented. For twenty years he persuaded Pamela Travers to agree to the film adaptation of her book.

Most of us give up too quickly on the path to our cherished goal. But almost every success story is also a story of perseverance and struggle. Nothing truly worthwhile comes easy.

They are great at making excuses

“If you can't do it well, at least make it look good,” Bill Gates.

Losers will always find reasons and logic to explain why they can't and why they shouldn't. They sometimes call this disgusting habit "just being realistic." They lack imagination and always find ways to justify why nothing should be done, and why they should never even try to do something. The best cure for this is to simply stop and no longer allow your mind to make excuses.

You lack modesty

Just don't confuse modesty with shyness. Many people, having barely achieved something, begin to consider themselves experts in their field. Modesty means understanding that you don’t know everything.

Truly great people know that they know nothing.

It’s interesting that the people who most like to talk about their success are people whose achievements do not represent something supernatural. They are the ones who often become coaches and begin to teach everyone and everything how to achieve high results in their business.

Conversely, self-made people who have made a real breakthrough in their industry usually talk little about how they managed to do it. They either downplay their accomplishments or simply don't mention them. Instead, these people admit that they make mistakes and openly talk about their weaknesses and what they still have to learn.

Their values do not match their goals

“It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” - Roy Disney.

The more important the goal, the higher it will be in the hierarchy of your values, and the more order and discipline will be associated with it. Less important goals are lower in the hierarchy of values and are associated with less discipline and more disorder. Losers mistakenly confuse being busy with being productive. They do everything except what aligns their values and their goals. Write down your goals and strategies for achieving those goals in your journal. This will help you better identify the values that best align with your goals.

You are unable to network and build strong relationships

In the modern world, the ability to communicate with people is extremely important. There are even separate trainings on mastering networking. In some industries, it is extremely difficult to advance without the art of networking. In addition, you simply need to be able to ask people for help. However, sometimes our fear, self-doubt or, conversely, arrogance interfere with our communication with other people and make us miss valuable opportunities that could change our whole life.

66% of hired employees know someone from the company they will work for. But even outside of business communication, the desire for isolation can ruin all your efforts. In addition, it often leads to depression. The ability to build strong romantic relationships is also closely related to the ability to meet the right people and interact productively with them.

Your thirst for success is selfish

We are all somewhat selfish, and it is completely normal to have such emotions.
After all, if you spend your life serving others, you will die in poverty. But if your thoughts about success are only about improving your standard of living, you will never succeed.

A study on the side effects of greed and generosity by The Scientific American found that while generosity keeps you healthy, greed leads to stress and the production of the stress hormone cortisol.

The more you get, the more you have to lose. If you only want success for yourself, you will pay for your greed. You will have a lot of money, but you will be bankrupt in pleasures, love, hobbies (except for the desire to accumulate even more bills).

Now do you understand why a new car and a big house are the wrong definition of success?

If I'm not improving the world, then I'm allowing other things to derail my goals, and I need to change my perspective. Make the effort to make the planet you call home a better place than it was when you were born. Then you will never lose your focus on success.

Rework author Jason Fried called it “leaving a mark on the universe.” Leave a mark, big or small, that will live on for years after you're gone.

You would rather argue than follow someone's advice

The desire to prove that you are right, instead of improving yourself, is a guaranteed path to failure. To achieve success, you need to follow a cycle that necessarily includes feedback.

Try something → get feedback on the results → learn from it → try something new.

People who would rather die than reconsider their position often break this chain and do not accept feedback. Therefore they will never change.

This does not mean that we should listen to all the advice we are given. The point is to take into account the information that comes to us as feedback, regardless of whether we consider it useful or not. You shouldn’t strive to defend your position at all costs, just to look like you were right all along.

People who suffer from this problem are usually very intelligent and extremely insecure. This is a bad combination. The smarter a person is, the longer he will rationalize his failures and find excuses for himself. He uses all his intelligence to build a defense mechanism for his fragile ego.

Are you afraid to ask for help?

For some reason, there is a belief that the path to success is a nameless forest path that no one has ever set foot on.
And only if you are lucky and manage to get out of the thicket, you will become an accomplished person. What nonsense? In the famous book Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill states:

It's really true: you can become more successful faster by helping others succeed.

He wrote this in 1937.
Since then, millions of people have used this advice to climb to heights they never dreamed of. The easiest way to grow is to help others grow. Only this approach seems paradoxical, because you were taught to think that there is no wealth that can be shared with everyone.

If you are only interested in personal growth or think that you can only succeed alone, then you are missing the point.

And this leads us to the next reason.

You don't take responsibility for what happens to you

Do you constantly find excuses for yourself? This way you won't move forward. To solve problems, you need to take control of your life. But you can't take control of your life unless you take responsibility for it. Therefore, if you do not take responsibility, you will fail.

Yes, it is very tempting to blame what is happening on external factors, to insist that you could not do anything, that you are not to blame, he came himself. But maybe it’s still worth giving yourself an imaginary slap in the face and soberly assessing your contribution to the current situation? The sooner you do this, the sooner it can be fixed.

They never take the initiative

“People think that success in one area can compensate for failure in other areas, but is that really true? True effectiveness requires balance." - Stephen Covey

So, you have a terrible boss and you really hate your job. However, this is not a reason to work carelessly. You are paid to come there and do everything right, this is a universal law of life: you get exactly as much as you put in. It is simply maturity and wisdom to try to achieve excellence no matter the circumstances.

Losers are those who simply accept bad results. Those who don't bother to find effective methods that will help them explore their abilities better. It’s just like with students: a lot depends not on how smart you are, but on how well you can prepare and plan. This, in turn, makes you feel smarter and will result in great results.

You don't believe success is possible

To win, you need to believe in the possibility of victory. This is not about self-conviction, and there is nothing supernatural about it. Your subconscious beliefs about your capabilities affect your actual performance.

For example, the study Self-Deception and Its Relationship to Success in Competition. showed that athletes who had an untrue but positive view of their abilities demonstrated better results than athletes with a more realistic or pessimistic attitude.

In addition, people who overestimate their capabilities are much easier to rise to. It's easier for them to take action. And when you learn from your mistakes, you eventually come to success. So sometimes a little illusion can serve you well.

You keep looking for shortcuts or get-rich-quick schemes

The only shortcut you'll need is so useful that it can outshine everyone else.
And I can show it to you right now. Ready?

There are no shortcuts.

Don't believe me? Ask Richard Branson, one of the richest and most successful people in the world. He said:

If you spend time looking for shortcuts, then you are sure to find one - straight from business

Get-rich-quick schemes involve stealing from many to filthy enrich a few.
Do you want to become such a person? Is wealth the main thing? If you're trying to lose weight, would you really rather take weight loss pills that destroy your body than diet and exercise?

Shortcuts exist only for destructive people who care only about themselves. You are not like that.

Be strong and act smart. It may take longer, but you will live a better life as a result.

You're afraid of being cared for

Many people catch the virus of indifference. Nothing really inspires them. Such people do not dare to fully devote themselves to any business, project or goal. Many of them give up very quickly. Others simply lose interest. And many don’t even have the strength to start.

Chronic indifference is an insidious defense mechanism. It saps the motivation and inspiration you need to get rid of it. This is how a person ends up in a vicious circle.

On an unconscious level, many people are afraid to take on something with all their might because they understand that they may fail. This failure can trigger in them a flood of thoughts for which their psyche is not at all prepared: questions about their own worth, competence, the question of whether you are worthy of love, and so on.

Typically, people who use this mechanism get rid of it only when a new emotionally intense situation occurs in their life, which they manage to cope with.

You've stopped growing

Here's one of the biggest misconceptions about success: Once you get to your destination, you're ready for life.
This is just another lie that has been spread by society for years. Even if you become successful, you can still lose everything. People who have received something they never had do not know what to do with it.

And they lose everything.

In his book “Laws of Lifetime Growth,” Dan Sullivan talked to businessman Dan Schmidt, who, to avoid stunting growth, asks himself the question:

If everything I've done so far is just the beginning, then what's next?

Take a different path: everything you know is just a piece of information circulating in the universe.
There is always room for development. It doesn't matter whether you're trying to stay in shape, starting your own business, or learning the secrets of cooking. If you learn, it means you grow.

Develop your curiosity about everything, and you will never have to worry about stopping your development in your life.

They don't handle adversity well

“Sun without rain creates a desert” - Arabic proverb.

Once upon a time there was a shepherd boy named David. He was not a warrior. And he wasn't big. He looked at the giant and said: “I will knock you down and then cut off your head.”

And that's exactly what he did.

It's much the same with problems: they are only as big as we allow them to seem so, and they are only as strong as our weakness allows them to be. Losers don't understand this; they give up too quickly, simply because things aren't the way they want them to be. They want roses without thorns, children without birth pains and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but they hate adversity.

Overcoming challenges not only brings us closer to our goals, but also transforms us into someone we could not previously imagine.

Don’t give in to your own fears, don’t be afraid to enter uncharted territory, leave your “comfort zone” and challenge yourself. In desperate situations, courage is born. Otherwise, you will simply never know how strong you are.

They don't take active steps

“Do something today and your future will thank you,” Les Brown.

Perhaps because of the simplicity of this rule of life, people ignore the magnitude of the consequences if it is violated. Losers tend to brood and leave their footprints on the sands of time. They may talk about the big game, and they really dream about the big game, but they don't have the courage to just go forward. Stop dreaming about what will happen. Of course, there is nothing wrong with dreams, but it is worth getting up and finally doing at least something.

Test: History of one subject

Take a quick look at the objects in the room, choose ONE of them and start writing a story about it. It should contain several points:

Where it all began
What happened next
How it all ended

When you write a story, READ the story in first person. (For example, if you wrote a story about a table, you need to replace the word “table” with the pronoun “I”)

Now analyze which scenario this story belongs to. If you see and understand that you have an “open-ended” life scenario or it is negative, you definitely need to get out of this scenario, read how to do it correctly here..

If you have questions about the test, you can ask them here...

They procrastinate

“Only what is put off until tomorrow you will willingly leave to die undone,” Pablo Picasso.

And the funniest thing is that losers really like to drag their feet. And they don’t see anything reprehensible in this. This point brings us back to the point about not understanding the value of time. These people agree to live a life that is always one day behind. They live their lives as if they have another one left. It is worth realizing that you begin to die from the moment you are born, and that every day you have is a real gift. Therefore, for your own sake, you are obliged to do everything you can in these twenty-four hours, because no one promised you that you will see tomorrow.

About the problem

This usually happens during depression. Although most often it is the loss of the meaning of life that causes this condition. During which you don’t want anything. A person is depressed, he does not experience joy, does not show interest in anything, and constantly feels tired. His speeches are pessimistic, he does not want and cannot concentrate, sometimes thinks about death or suicide, sleeps constantly or does not do so at all. And most importantly, there is a feeling of worthlessness, accompanied by feelings of fear, anxiety and even guilt.

Life has lost its meaning... There is so much pain in this phrase. And what is the reason for this problem? With a shortage of what a person needs most. For some, it’s a job and an opportunity to make a dizzying career. For others - a loved one, spending time together, tender feelings and passion. For the rest - a family with a bunch of children. For others, the meaning of life is immeasurable wealth. For others, it’s an opportunity to travel and develop. There can be countless examples. But it all comes down to one simple truth. Fortunately. Yes, this is the meaning of life - to be happy. Or, as they say, to be in a state of complete satisfaction with the conditions of one’s existence and being. This is the meaning of life. This phenomenon, by the way, is actively studied by occultism, theology, psychology and philosophy.

Movement “to...” or movement “from...”?

Imagine that there is a mountain in front of you. You stand at its foot, raising your head up. The grass tickles your feet, the sun hits your back. And up there, the snow-capped peak touches the very sky. “It’s so cool and fresh there,” you think, “I wish I could go there.”

And this is where the fun begins. Because at this moment a person makes a choice which behavioral strategy to choose: to apply his mental and physical abilities to reach the top, or to abandon this idea because it is dangerous, pointless or will require too many resources. You need money - you need to buy equipment. It takes time and effort - you need to learn how to use this equipment, find an experienced guide, and so on.

In different cases, people use different models of behavior, but each of us has a “favorite”, habitual way of acting.

Moreover, a person with the habit of avoiding failure can also decide to act. He will buy equipment, find an experienced climber, and ask for a vacation from work. And now everything was ready, and he resolutely set off on his way. But the higher he climbs, the more difficult it becomes. And it’s hard to breathe, and the mountain is getting steeper, and the ground is getting further away. And now treacherous thoughts begin to flash: “what’s the point in this?”, “what’s good there on this peak?”, “maybe it’s okay?”, “oh, something’s cramping in my stomach - perhaps in next time, but now I’m sick, and I need to do some repairs in the apartment.”

The brain helpfully begins to throw up options on the topic: “Why can’t I climb this mountain now.” Probably sometime next time, but now it’s absolutely impossible. And the person gives in. Yes, the money spent cannot be returned and the vacation is wasted, but the foot of the mountain is still very close, and it is better to retreat now than later, at a height. Moreover, “I won’t succeed anyway.”

If the leading behavior model is “striving for success,” attention is fixed not on obstacles, but on the desired goal. That is, you are moving towards the top. The staleness of the air, fatigue, fear of heights - this, of course, has not gone away. But the chain of thoughts is not aimed at how I can turn off the road in order to avoid all this, but at how I can overcome it all.

That is, from the moment the desire to reach the top arises, a person begins to choose a model of behavior: “striving for success” (movement towards...) or “avoiding failure” (movement from...). And in real life we constantly make choices about how to act now. If the stakes are low, we may not even notice it.

For example, you bought a phone charger, but it didn’t fit. Well, you were wrong, it happens. By law, the buyer can return the purchase within 14 days. Someone will go and pass it without any problems. But it will be easier for someone to convince themselves that “it might still be useful” or “it’s not that expensive.” Maybe it will really come in handy, or maybe it’s just awkward in front of the seller? I'm afraid, what will he look at, what will he think? It’s easier to lose those unfortunate 300 rubles and store unnecessary things on the mezzanine than to experience the discomfort of returning an unsuitable product.

The desire to run away from failure is a defensive reaction. She is born of fear. Fear of failure, pain, humiliation, ridicule, disapproval. Sometimes this desire is justified. But sometimes it becomes fixed, turns into a bad habit, prompts a person to defend himself and interferes with the achievement of goals.