What to do if your child steals: advice from a social worker

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They give her pocket money, but she got caught while checking the wallets of her classmates. Why teenagers steal and what to do about it, says psychologist Vera Medvedeva.

At the reception, a thirteen-year-old girl who recently moved to another school. Video cameras recorded how the girl entered an empty classroom and pulled out money from several backpacks. The family is wealthy. Dad is a production manager, mom is an economist. The girl is not denied anything; she is given pocket money, and the amount in her wallet is usually greater than what she stole. Dad and Mom can't understand why this happened. When the girl is asked why she did this, she says: “I thought no one would notice.”

If you catch a child lying, don’t start a scandal

The ability to lie appears in a child simultaneously with the ability to speak correctly and coherently, by the age of 3–4 years. It should be remembered that at this age the child’s lies are associated with testing the boundaries of what is permitted and learning about the world around him. In preschool and adolescence, children consciously resort to untruths if they want to stand out from their classmates, avoid ridicule from their peers, and escape deserved punishment. If a teenager is caught in a lie, the first thing to do is to remain calm. It is necessary to understand what reasons and circumstances motivated him, what fears and problems he experiences. Don’t rush into punishment; review your relationship with your offspring.

• A trusting relationship with a child is the key to success and the most effective way to correct the situation. Introducing the practice of conversations and active listening will help here.
• If a teenager does not want to share personal secrets, respect his choice and do not push. The time will come, he will appreciate it and, perhaps, share his secrets.
• Do not provoke lies with questions with known answers, for example: “Have you prepared your essay?”, “Have you finished your homework?” The teenager will begin to pretend that he has done almost everything, or there is still time for this, or he will simply lie. Replace such questions with phrases that begin with “I noticed...” and offer help. Say: “I noticed that you didn’t finish your essay. Can I help you?"
• Reduce your child's overprotectiveness. Total control can lead to hiding the real picture of life from parents in order to avoid proceedings and accusations from adults. Set rules for each action that all family members must follow. If a teenager, for example, is late and does not have time to return by a certain time, then set a rule - be sure to call home. No one will complete household duties if the child on whom they are assigned is lazy or does not find the time. Don't feel sorry for him, otherwise he will come up with a thousand reasons for refusing to work, knowing that he will be replaced. Knowing the strictness of the established rules, the offspring will not have to resort to lies, because this will not help. Naturally, this does not apply to cases of illness or illness.
• Low self-esteem in a child can also be a reason for lying. Explain that his parents' love for him is unconditional, regardless of his achievements and successes. And take steps to improve his self-esteem. Adolescence is better experienced if you have interests and hobbies.
• Don’t be a hypocrite yourself and don’t lie at home, try to set a personal example of truthfulness. Remember, the child copies the lifestyle of the parents. And if he has already witnessed a lie from your lips, then explain why in this case you are telling a lie.

Create a punishment that involves positive action.

You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.

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Reasons for child theft

Theft with the best intentions

A child can indeed steal with the best intentions, for example, to give it to someone he loves. To a friend, mom or dad, brother. This desire turns out to be stronger than the restraining internal prohibition to take someone else’s. After all, moral principles at this age are just beginning to form. And the desires are very strong.

I really want to, I can’t resist

The child just “really wants it.” A toy, doll, pie or candy. You never know what a person might want. And the hand seems to reach out and take it. He already understands that he has done something reprehensible, but he cannot resist.

The thing is that children are simply not yet able to fully control their behavior. Their brain structures responsible for self-control have not yet matured; they are still being formed. But the child already understands that he has done something reprehensible, and slowly puts the toy in his pocket, a beautiful ring in a secret place, etc.

The brain structures responsible for self-control do not fully mature until around 19-21 years of age or later. This is why teenagers are often unrestrained and sometimes have problems with the law. They simply have not yet developed the function of self-control. They know how to do it, but they can’t control themselves.

With the help of special exercises you can develop self-control. This is what we do at KUB trainings.

The need to have something iconic

A teenager may steal because he needs a certain attribute of “coolness,” without which he feels inferior among his peers. For example, friends already have the latest model iPhones.

Teenagers with low self-esteem and those who cannot establish relationships with peers are especially susceptible to this.

It seems to them that the treasured item will be the key to recognition from their peers. But the young kidnapper is usually disappointed. After all, confident guys who know how to communicate enjoy the respect of their comrades. And it may seem to a teenager that he is missing some other attribute, but when it appears, only then...

To break this vicious cycle, the child needs to strengthen his self-esteem and learn to communicate. Our trainings are dedicated to this.

Stress and loss of self-control

Stress further reduces self-control. And not only for children. Adults in a situation of stress also behave less than brilliantly: they light a cigarette, binge eat, have a drink, and perform many other not very reasonable actions, depending on what is closer to them. At the same time, you remember that children have not yet matured the brain structures responsible for self-control. And when they are upset, tired, scared or simply unwell, children have a much harder time than adults to control themselves.

Stealing is often a sign that a child is experiencing emotional distress. There can be many reasons.

Half a year ago, 8-year-old Vanya gave birth to a younger sister. And his parents began to pay less attention to him. And then the “older brother” suddenly, for no apparent reason, steals money from a classmate’s wallet at school. Parents are horrified: - Why? After all, he has everything?! We refuse him nothing!

Indeed, their son is not deprived of anything, except for one thing - for six months now he considers himself deprived of parental attention. And the little man interprets this as deprivation of love. Millions of years of evolution have taught human children that without parental love they will be lost and die, so the child experiences stress in this situation. Do you remember that the impact of stress is such that self-control decreases.

At our trainings, children learn to overcome stress and regulate their emotions.

Imitating friends

It happens that children steal “for company” or by imitating others - peers or older children. This can be explained by two reasons:

• My friends do this, so it’s normal. This is how the “social confirmation” effect works;
• division of responsibility. After all, if together, it seems that the blame will be equally distributed among everyone, and I will only be a little bit guilty;
• Perhaps, with the help of theft, the child passes the test of “weakness”, and wants to prove that he is brave, mature and worthy of the friendship of his comrades.

Theft as revenge

Maybe the child wants to punish the offender by depriving him of something significant? He anticipates how upset he will be, and maybe he will even be punished for the loss.

Why do children steal?

Psychological aspect: why do children steal money from their parents? There are many reasons and most of them are quite justified from the point of view of children's self-awareness:

A child is capable of stealing for good reasons. He wants to give a gift to a loved one or friend, but he does not have the opportunity to make a purchase on his own. The desire to please loved ones overpowers the understanding of committing a bad act. In childhood, moral principles are weak, but desires are quite strong. When an irresistible desire to get something arises and it is impossible to fight it. If you want a chocolate bar, you put it in your pocket, you need a toy, you quietly hide it under your sweater, and so on. A child can buy something he (seemingly) needs if he has thought through the situation in advance and “borrowed” money from his parents. When a child steals from a store, the psychologist's advice explains this behavior by the inability to control his desires. There is already an understanding of incorrect behavior, but there is no control over it. It is fully formed by the age of 20, and then serious problems with teenagers arise. The desire to receive an iconic item. This may be something that peers who play an important role in the children's team have. For example, an iPhone or headphones, stylish clothes. This is usually done by teenagers who have low self-esteem. He does not understand that the new thing will not give him any advantages. The child believes that if he has money in his pockets, then this increases his authority. A group of guys gather around him who are ready to take advantage of the opportunity to get cash. But you need to understand that these are not friends, and authority is not bought, but earned by appropriate behavior.

Opportunity to draw attention to yourself

In the absence of attention and understanding from parents and loved ones, the child may try to regain their favor using such an unseemly method. It does not matter to him that the reaction to the action will be negative. The main thing is that she is

It is enough for parents to reconsider their attitude and talk with their daughter or son to change the situation. The child took this step to attract attention. The theft may be a one-time occurrence if the situation in the family changes. Lack of understanding of the value of money and the role it plays. Children do not always know at what cost and with what effort money is earned, and talking will not help. You need to limit your daughter or son’s spending or offer them to work part-time in their free time so that they put in the effort and come to the realization that money “doesn’t fall from the sky.” Imitating friends. In the company of peers, the child wants to look “on top” and he obeys the laws of the pack. If others are stealing, then why shouldn’t I try too? His behavior is based on the postulates:

• this is what my friends, whom I respect, do;
• I know that responsibility for what has been done will be shared between me and others;
• I am brave and my friends are not mistaken in my devotion.

Theft is sometimes used as an option for revenge. To punish a peer who has caused a serious offense, he must be deprived of a valuable thing that he especially values.

“More than once he threatened to kill us”

Irina, from a city in southern Belarus, says she is also afraid of her son. Her Sasha is not even 14 years old. At this age, even for the most serious offenses there is no criminal liability. He will not be put on trial, he will not be sent to a special school for troubled teenagers, much less to a children's colony. It stays in the family.

“I’m afraid for myself and for my daughter,” says Irina. – Sasha threatened us more than once that he would kill us. For example, he kicked me in the stomach. Twisted his hands and fingers.

I'm worried that at best he will end up behind bars, and at worst he will one day be found murdered. He almost never goes to school, and if he appears there, it is to offend someone once again.

Someone gave him a can, he lit it with a match and burned the little boy's hair. He does not react to comments in any way. He just laughs.

He might take our money. When I ask him: “Why, you have everything?” - I hear the answer: “The boys and I wanted to buy something.” Perhaps it's drugs. One day he came home in the morning, having spent the night unknown where, in a drugged state, with dilated pupils. He behaved very strangely - he talked to himself, he laughed to himself. I’m afraid for him and for us.”

As Irina says, in her numerous visits to commissions on juvenile affairs, she heard about a variety of cases with “difficult teenagers”: a 14-year-old teenager raped an 11-year-old boy, a group of girls of the same age cynically and cruelly dealt with former friends for that they “dared” to offend them. They beat and kicked me, spat in my face, forced me to eat dirt, and imitate sexual acts. And torturing animals is already routine for the police.

In neighboring Russia, there are proposals to lower the age of judicial responsibility. Irina does not see anything good in this - the country has not created a system for the correction and rehabilitation of children who have committed crimes.

“Even if we lower this criterion and put all juvenile offenders behind bars, this will not solve the problem. Such children will only become hostages of the prison system and will never be able to return to normal life.”

Why do teenagers steal?

In Novosibirsk, cases of shoplifting among students have become more frequent. Why is this happening, what threat does it pose to teenagers, and what should the state do? To answer these and other questions, a ChS-INFO correspondent joined the “raid” of the commission on juvenile affairs and, together with the police and social activists, met with the first-year students.

“Instances have become more frequent when it is first-year students who commit thefts in stores,” Marina Ostreinova, head of the department for youth affairs of culture and sports in the Oktyabrsky district of Novosibirsk, told ChS-INFO.

It is difficult to say for what reason teenagers start stealing. Justifying themselves, students say that they have no money and they just want to eat. However, they mostly steal various “trifles”, for example, headphones for a phone. And this is not very similar to theft from hunger.

“Either they don’t know where to ask for help, or there is a feeling of impunity,” explains Marina Ostreinova and adds that students in difficult financial situations can always turn to social services or ask for financial support at their educational institution. There are also employment opportunities for minors (you can find such work through the Employment Center).

According to police, cases became more frequent this September. As a rule, minors who have recently entered educational institutions in Novosibirsk are “caught”, mostly visitors from other localities. Most often, teenagers steal from large retail and large hypermarkets, for example, in Auchan.

Students of the Novosibirsk Chemical-Technological College, Motor Transport College, Siberian State University of Telecommunications and Informatics (SibGUTI), Novosibirsk State Agrarian, Architectural (Sibstrin) and Pedagogical Universities were caught in petty thefts.

At the initiative of the Commission for Minors in the Oktyabrsky District, a “raid” was organized on educational institutions to prevent such offenses, in which a ChS-INFO correspondent took part. Interviews were conducted with first-year students. Older students no longer belong to the KDN, and in case of such an offense they will be judged.

“Few people think about the consequences of such offenses,” Marina Ostreinova said at the meeting. — But this is not only a fine and registration for six months. Such an offense can ruin your future career.” Indeed, with a record of such an offense, it will be problematic to get a job in government agencies.

“Many people believe that after six months the case goes into the archives,” Andrei Andreev, a lawyer for the public organization “Vector,” explained to the students. - It was like that before. But now there is a computer. A request is made to the database, and any of your offenses can be found out after any number of years. Therefore, when applying for a civil service, if you forget to indicate in the application form that you were once brought to administrative responsibility, it will still be found out, and it will turn out as if you were trying to mislead your future employer.”

Conversations took place in all educational institutions whose students were convicted of petty theft. The most active were the students of the Motor Transport College. Their questions concerned mainly the behavior of store security guards and police officers. Andrey Andreev noted that any attempts to search the store by security guards are illegal. If a minor is detained, his parents must be immediately informed and the police must be called. Interrogation of a teenager over 14 years of age can only be carried out in the presence of parents or a psychologist. Under no circumstances should you pay a fine directly in the store. In addition, the lawyer reminded that there are situations when the buyer is not to blame for anything at all. “It happens that you accidentally put something in your pocket and forgot to pay. If you haven't left the store yet, you can't be charged with an offense,” he explained.

But what can be done to reduce the number of crimes among students? “We are trying to educate a creative, harmonious personality,” Nikolai Shusharin, head of the educational work department of SibGUTI, told ChS-INFO. — For this purpose, many extracurricular activities are regularly organized. For example, talent competitions.” The university hopes that regular participation of students in cultural events will have a positive impact, among other things, on their social self-awareness. And activities to improve legal literacy, such as this raid, should help first-year students avoid making mistakes that could lead to serious consequences.

These glass eyes are familiar to many parents.

— Was all this a surprise to you? I often see the opinion: “We need to take care of the child, read books, take him on hikes, and then he will not be dependent on the computer.” Can you say that you did not take care of your son?

— We were engaged, we have good company. An enriched environment was created, the child had a cultural load. On the eve of these events, we rode bikes, bought barbecue, had a picnic in the forest, and chatted. There were all signs of normal contact. At the same time, he coped with the school curriculum easily, and there was time left. These two layers of reality completely coexisted with each other - there were alarming signals, and there were healthy signals.

For some reason I missed the warning signs. For example, I attributed a lot of things to adolescence, all these aggressive outbursts. Now I know that at 11 years old this shouldn’t happen.

“I was kicked out of school twice, but I played 16 hours a day.” Is it possible to quit video games once and for all?

Based on our son’s achievements, we even built a gaming computer. I thought maybe I didn’t understand something, maybe esports was my son’s future. Let then it be a complexly organized activity. I brought in a professional gamer to help with strategy and team. But at this time my son was no longer interested in the game so much as in gambling. He had already become addicted to gambling for money and was involved in more serious things.

— So you took the path not to ban, but to lead the revolution?

- Certainly. Children now dream about eSports. But this is a very difficult job. I wanted him to feel that these are real loads, goal setting, leadership qualities, this is a certain mode of attention.

There was still a signal. He had a simple computer in his room. It seems that we were making sure that he did not sit behind him. It turned out that he watched films there at night and corresponded. And then in the morning for some reason we could not wake up the child. At school, he started sleeping in class.

There must be a regime, because the organism is formed, complex neural structures, neural ensembles - all this greatly influences the formation of attention functions.

— You wrote that you began to communicate with the parents of other children. And they told you about gambling addiction. What exactly?

“For example, when an older brother says: “If you don’t let me play, I will beat my younger sister.” They told how children call names and swear: “You are the worst parents.” Constant outbursts of aggression. Lack of time control. The child wants nothing but games.

Sometimes they say: “Let him play and play enough.” He won't play enough. Dependence is insatiable - no matter how much you play, it’s not enough. Parents understand that they constantly return to talking about the phone, to scandals about the phone, to trying to limit, control.

Father and mother, by and large, have the right to gratitude from the child, to a “thank you,” to a good time. When no matter what you do, you are always at fault - this is not normal.

You try to do one thing, another, another, create an enriched environment, but the child doesn’t like anything. “I don’t like anything, give me the phone and that’s it,” this is already a sign of addiction. Problems arise with motivation, contact, and trust. Everything focuses around one theme.

Usually, if a child’s passion is creative, then discipline improves, he is more successful in other places, composure and maturity appear. And here is a detached face. These glassy eyes are familiar to many parents: “You can’t beat me, you don’t know anything about me, you don’t understand me.”

— Approximately how many children, according to your estimates, are now in this condition?

— According to my feelings, at least 60%.

— Do you know of any creative attempts by parents to combat this? For example, I know the story of a dad who secretly paid money to his son’s gamer friends to ruin his game. He eventually became uninterested and stopped playing.

- Yes, it was in China.

The mother of one girl, who was very interested in YouTube, suggested that her daughter not wash the dishes, but shoot a video of Masha washing the dishes. And the girl joined in: “Now I’ll tell my subscribers how we wash the dishes.” Quite a creative approach.

In general, they usually try to simply ban it. One boy sat on his phone and became interested in betting in bookmakers at the age of 12. Dad even got inspired: “It develops the intellect.” After a month of this activity, the son swore at his dad and threw a tantrum at him, he took the phone away and won’t give it to him anymore.

As parents, we are faced with a new phenomenon, and our attitude has not yet been formed. A gadget is not just a toy, it’s like a chainsaw, conditionally, it’s both a useful thing and a dangerous one. To use it, you must first develop certain skills. A child cannot yet develop them on his own; a competent adult is needed.

So how can you influence a child?

Explain

While your son or daughter is still small, just try to calmly explain to them that you cannot take someone else’s thing without asking. Help us imagine how someone whose property is stolen feels. How other people feel about those who steal. Tell us what civilized ways there can be to get what you want. You can agree to exchange toys for a while, you can ask your parents to buy him a similar one. And so on.

Support

Support your child's self-esteem. Explain to him that he faced a difficult test and could not cope with it. The temptation was too great. Tell us how something similar happened to you as a child, and how you vowed not to take someone else’s property again and were able to keep your word, even though it was difficult

Let him know that almost everyone goes through this experience, it is important what lesson you learn from it. The main thing is that the child identifies himself with an honest person, and would like to correspond to this image

Find out the reasons for theft

You remember, they can be varied. But in any case, this is some kind of deficit. Maybe there is a lack of recognition in the class, and the child stole it to show off or even give it away. There may be a deficit in self-esteem, and he needs a symbolic thing to assert himself (everyone already has such a toy, a phone...) Maybe the child tried to console himself when he was sad or nervous (stress)

It is important for you to find out how you can help him compensate for the existing deficit

To correct

Instead of punishing and reproaching, show your child the way to correct the situation. For example, how to return stolen property or compensate for damage, if possible. If he is very ashamed of what he did, then maybe he can secretly return the thing to its place? And if this is no longer possible, then you can try to do some good deed in order to at least symbolically balance out the bad one.

7-year-old Kostya and his grandmother went for a walk to Pushkin. When we returned home, we discovered that Kostya had gotten a toy motorcycle from somewhere. It is no longer possible to identify its owner. But you can donate this motorcycle and some other toy to children from an orphanage. Fortunately, there are points where you can bring things for orphans. Kostya and his grandmother did just that. They collected several toys, and the boy himself chose not only the toys that were already boring, but also those that he loved. And they also added the ill-fated motorcycle to them. This restored Kostya’s self-awareness as an honest and kind person, capable of coping with his desires and impulses. And most importantly, it will be remembered for a long time.

11-year-old Marina stole money from her mother’s wallet, more than once. As a result, quite a significant amount was accumulated. How did Marina spend it? I bought treats for my classmates! So she tried to win their favor. When the situation was revealed, the worried and disappointed parents, on the advice of a psychologist, convened a family council. They managed to explain to Marina, without reproaches or accusations, that she would have to somehow compensate for the money taken from the family budget. Marina could choose whether to give up entertainment during the holidays or take on additional household responsibilities so that her mother would have more strength to earn the amount Marina spent. The girl chose additional household chores and performed them for a whole month. This way she maintained her self-respect and learned to be more responsible for her actions.

What to do if a child steals money from parents: advice from a psychologist

The theft can be committed once, because the child is afraid of losing the love and respect of his parents, does not want to listen to endless long “sermons”, he is afraid of the punishment that follows the act, does not want to lose a holiday gift, and so on. But if one or the second theft went off with a bang and the theft was not followed by punishment, then it will be difficult to stop the little thief.

It is important to know what to do if a loss is discovered, and what absolutely cannot be done:

• Do not make threats when talking about the police and prison. The little man understands that he did wrong, but not so much that such a terrible punishment would follow;
• do not attach labels that sound like a sentence for life: “you are a thief” or “you are a fraudster”, “this is not my son” and so on. Despite the bad deed, parents must understand his motives and side with the child before labeling him;
• do not compare him with negative heroes or difficult teenagers. The child feels bad and continues to perform similar actions. After all, if he has such problems, then he won’t get any better. Another point is that the child again commits a similar act, but more inventively, so as not to get caught;
• do not accuse the thief in front of witnesses, be it a school friend, teacher, or relative. This is humiliating and leads to the formation of a certain opinion about this person later. This behavior causes stressful situations and only lowers self-esteem;
• do not constantly remember old “feats” left in the past. The child has already lived and experienced the current situation, and he is reminded of it again, making him think that he is bad and pushing him to the next negative step.

A psychologist's advice when a child steals money from his parents and educational measures cease to work is important and useful. But they need not just be listened to, but put into practice. And if the situation has reached a dead end, then a psychologist will help in such matters. For example, psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin, who will advise on solving a similar problem.

Black and white screen and password folder

— Do you have any ideas on how to reduce the level of stuckness on your phone?

- For example, buying games instead of letting the child play free ones.

- Suddenly. We are fighting against this, but now we should still buy?

— There will be advertising in free content, the child will be constantly dragged somewhere, he will click. And if you bought it, then the manufacturer got what he wanted.

Then reduce the brightness of the spot of attention. Here you have a black and white screen, why?

— I struggle with my own addiction to the phone. With such a screen, I go to social networks less often; I don’t even want to take photos.

- Here. If you want to let your child watch a cartoon, let him watch it in black and white. To avoid this “Oh, how beautiful!” effect. The smartphone is too bright a spot in the surrounding background. You can reduce the color contrast.

How to keep children safe online during a pandemic

Set parental safety mode immediately. If you really feel like it’s too much to spend money on parental control, put a folder with passwords in your phone. Put everything there that your child does not need for school, and remove the password at the agreed time. My parents sometimes say to me: “How can I do all this, I don’t even know the password for my phone.”

If you cannot agree with your child on such measures, then there are serious problems and, perhaps, you need to take away the child’s phone altogether for a while. But you can't just take it away. You need to have an explanatory conversation, explain the motives for your actions, maybe then the child will agree to set restrictions.

- It's clear. That is, parents will still have to educate themselves.

- Yes, you need to study, special skills are required. This is an environment of increased complexity; it requires a culture of its use. The parent is the most vulnerable and incompetent link in the gaming industry system.

For example, in order to understand and then help others, I completed an advanced training program at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University “Modern approaches to psychotherapy of addictions.” Now I have a course for parents about children's gadget mania and a group on Facebook.

— If a child, under the guise of homework, sits at the computer for seven hours and it is unclear whether he is playing or programming, what should the parent do?

- So, some kind of nonsense is happening. Set up parental controls, it allows you to set up a number of sites that you don’t need to go to, and you will also know what your child is doing.

— And here, it seems to me, a second problem may emerge after computer helplessness. A parent in a situation of dependence may be afraid to forbid or limit something for the child.

- This means there are codependent, unhealthy relationships in the family. If you do nothing, then one day you may be faced with a difficult choice - either you will serve the addiction, or you will have to hand over your child to the social welfare authorities.

If you feel that you can’t cope, then I recommend seeking social help, contacting psychologists, and going to codependent groups.

Without solving the problem, you serve the child’s addiction, do not influence the child, do not know how to provide healthy control and build boundaries, and do not know how to discuss complex and painful topics.

— What do you think is the main mistake of parents?

- If you do something, then get an hour of play in return. If you haven't done something, I'll take them away from you. It is not right. A supervaluation of the subject of dependence is formed. Very soon this behavior will get out of control, the child will begin to deceive, be cunning, play around, and so on. And this, by the way, is a good scenario.

It’s a bad scenario if he follows all these instructions and just obediently does what you tell him for the sake of the gadget - this is how you make a slave out of the child, depriving him of his subjectivity. It is better when there is a degree of freedom, resistance and rebellion than when there is blind submission.

- A riot can also end badly. I know stories where children attack their parents.

“I know that there are episodes when children even beat their parents, usually mothers, who cannot resist them. 14–15 years old are already large teenagers; with uncontrolled aggression, they can be dangerous. Here you need to seek professional help.

Dealing with addiction requires you to first admit your own incompetence. First step: “I can’t cope with this, I don’t have the strength, resources and capabilities. I need outside help." External help can be in the form of a community, books, support groups, psychologists and so on, social welfare authorities. There are free methods of work.

This is not a joke. The psyche of a dependent person can begin to form at the age of six. And for some time it will be almost unnoticeable. But by the age of 10, problems grow like a snowball. What happens next largely depends on the parents.

Other dangers

It is impossible to protect children from all the evils in the world. Danger can come from unexpected places. To prevent trouble, you need to know your children's social circle. However, in the modern world, this is not enough: now children communicate on social networks, on various sites, and monitoring such communication is much more difficult. We all remember the hype around the Blue Whale community, which encouraged teenagers to commit suicide. People influenced children from a distance, and often well-to-do children.

Teenagers are controllable, and skilled psychologists know how to make them either stand “on watch” during a robbery or plant drugs in the right place. Our task is not to be indifferent. We must talk about the dangers, monitor who the child communicates with, and do everything again and again so that the thread of trust does not break. I don't mean asking for secrets, but normal communication. Of course, it will not protect you from everything, but it will give you the opportunity not to get confused in an unexpected situation.

We need to be vigilant. There is a blind love for children, which does not think about the fact that a child cannot grow up without restrictions and boundaries. But without control and restrictions, a child’s life will turn into chaos, and our task is to create these frameworks. And, of course, you need to pray for your children - this is the main weapon of Christian parents.

Archpriest Georgy Tsyganov

“I gave birth to you, I will give you Safe Kids”

— Does installing parental control programs solve all problems?

— Parental control is a wonderful thing, a cool thing. But parents, as a rule, turn to such programs when they have already encountered a problem. And the child has already formed a stereotype of behavior with the phone, autocracy has appeared, and a disdainful attitude towards parents.

The parent puts how? Once, I installed it. No motivational talk, no soft entry. I gave birth to you, I will give you Safe Kids. In response, we receive aggression, indignation and a desire to hack the system.

Even when a parent gives their phone to a child for the first time, there should already be controls there. Moreover, when a child gets his own smartphone, he immediately needs to explain the rules, show him the program and tell him about the restrictions. But in any case, control is only part of a set of measures.

The task of the gadget developer is to make sure that they use it more, more often, buy it, consume content, watch it, poke it. When you are only a consumer and not a creator, then you have certain problems with addiction, you are not the owner.

- What about our parental task?

“The child screamed and you gave him the phone back.” Is it possible to press a button and turn off the hysteria?

“Our task is to make sure that the child has self-controlled attention, so that he has his own interests and goals, so that he knows how to wait, endure, overcome, and knows how to have fun without a gadget in his hand.” - And how did you solve this in your family?

- And how did you solve this in your family?

“Since there was a situation that threatened the life and health of the child and caused material damage to the family, this was the basis for conducting a rehabilitation program. To begin with, we took everything. When you turn everything off, first there is a strong withdrawal, resentment, and then a living person begins to return.

There was a conversation like this: “Dear friend, how long did it take you to enter this state and reach this point?” We figured it would be several years, and to get out, we need at least a year.

It was important that music lessons continued. This was the condition

Like it or not, you do it, it’s part of the program. You must have a complex activity where you learn to work so that emotional intelligence and everything else develops.

Next, it was necessary for him to experience emotions and excitement. “Son, what sport would you like to play?” - “None.” - “If you don’t want to, we will decide for you as long as there is a lack of motivation.” We chose water polo. There should be healthy fatigue, aggression splashed out.

It was important to me that he had experience taking care of someone, such as animals. Therefore, he worked for a month in a cat cafe, looked after cats, gained experience in serving others, experience in being recognized by strangers as adults, not relatives.

— Did anything change in the family?

- Certainly. We involved a psychologist in our work. He was needed as a point of emotional release for his son, as another adult, but not a parent. You can discuss something with him in secret from mom and dad, and he is obviously interested in the child’s development.

We found several moments within our family where we had relationships that were a bit of a stressor. We adjusted this system of relationships. A more precise family structure has developed.

What else? I watched very closely to ensure that my son developed additional interests. There was a period when he had complete apathy, he was very upset, there was a strong resentment. Then it went away.

Theft of children from poor and rich families: is there a difference?

Paradoxically, children in rich families steal more and more often. Since the problem of money is not acute here, parents do not explain to their child that theft is not a positive behavioral trait.

And the child, without remorse, takes money from guests, servants, and relatives. For a long time, no one blames or suspects that banknotes disappear due to the fault of their own children. The daughter or son feels safe. They are confident in parental love and favor, an abundance of money and their own impunity turns into a vice over time.

What to do if a child from a rich family steals? The psychologist's advice is based on a diagnosis of a nervous disorder due to lack of attention, kleptomania, or misunderstanding of the value of banknotes.

Children from poor families observe how carefully their parents distribute and spend the money they earn, how they count “every penny” and usually do not steal from their parents. The risk of exposure is too high, followed by punitive measures. In addition, the child begins to quickly realize the importance of banknotes.

It is much easier for a child from a disadvantaged family to steal a pack of chips, a chocolate bar or cookies from the supermarket. From their point of view, this is not as dangerous as stealing from loved ones. And if the thief does not get caught for a long time, then the thefts will be repeated repeatedly. If he is exposed, then stress and shock will have their effect and the offense may become isolated and will not occur again.

Regardless of social status, children can steal both at home and at school. This is due to several reasons:

• a strong desire to possess someone else’s thing, although there are remorse;
• material insecurity or psychological dissatisfaction;
• unformed concept of morality and willpower.

Important: A child of any age can commit theft if the motive for such an action is strong. This is a temporary weakness, after which remorse torments you. A stolen item “burns your hands” and the thief usually tries to get rid of it.