- September 13, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Maria Matselevich
At the very beginning of the relationship, the spouses cannot understand how they could live without each other all this time. But gradually this state passes, and subsequently completely changes in the opposite direction. After all, life together is filled not only with joy - it takes a lot of effort to maintain peace in the house.
You constantly have to give in on something, take care of someone other than yourself, no matter how tired you are. Daily meetings and living together are two different things. And having realized this, every woman enters a period when her husband infuriates and annoys her. After all, it is impossible to hide the negative sides forever.
Difficult stage
Negative feelings towards a lover sooner or later manifest themselves in every person. The only difference is when the hatred comes. Some coexist peacefully for several decades and only then dump out all the accumulated negativity. Others, after just a few months of marriage, want to give up everything. According to statistics, it is the female gender that shows the most dissatisfaction, and this is quite justified, because ladies are more emotional. Especially situations when the husband is annoying arise in those couples where the wife does not work and spends all her time on housekeeping.
She has no opportunity to change the situation, the walls begin to press in, and the man simply finds himself in the line of fire of his wife’s emotional outburst. But any crisis can be overcome and even used to your advantage. And before starting full-scale military operations or looking for ways to solve the problem, it is important to understand what led to this situation. And only then will it be possible to understand what to do. Your husband is annoying, his every action, word, deed is unbearably annoying, and you can’t do anything about it. You're probably just tired, you're overworked. Or some serious problems are brewing in your family.
Tired of marriage and husband: what is the reason?
Before marriage, the fairer sex develops a positive opinion about family life, which is caused by a positive reaction to the actions of their partner.
Moreover, this is also true for those couples who begin to conflict before marriage. Meetings, one-on-one conversations, walks together, living together in a civil union - everything is part of the process that shapes the future family.
Initially, the couple is absolutely compatible, as they try to complement each other’s feelings and emotions. The main thing is that the relationship maintains the proper level of internal comfort.
For example, a woman perceives her partner’s detachment in solving pressing problems as a manifestation of fundamental reliability. And the man experiences absolute satisfaction, believing that his temperament completely suits her.
Such a wife usually tries to take care of her husband, taking on most of the responsibility.
And when children are born, the woman, as her preoccupation with business increases, begins to look at the world differently: her husband’s behavior no longer seems correct to her.
This creates a conflict of interest, which often develops into quarrels and functional discord within the family.
You should take a closer look at your partner’s character at the beginning of your journey in order to avoid unpleasant surprises in the future.
Fatigue
If, in addition to irritation, you experience fatigue, a reluctance to do anything, you have absolutely no time to get yourself in order, and your favorite hobbies no longer bring the same delight, then most likely your problem is overwork. This especially happens to those who do things every day that they don’t like. Also, the reason for this may be an overabundance of responsibilities, you have taken on too much and you do not have enough strength to do all the work. Perhaps the problem is not that your husband annoys you, but that you worry about everything. And his touches, habits that you didn’t even notice before, and other little things that cause irritation in you are only an addition to general stress, and not the root cause of the problem.
All by myself
A very scary phenomenon among the female population, such ladies are not able to trust someone to fulfill their duties, because they are sure that no one can do the job better than themselves. This type of thinking causes a woman to take on too much, and the more she has to accomplish, the more irritable she becomes. Especially considering the fact that a man, observing her such zeal and constantly receiving undeserved reproaches in the style of “don’t touch me, I’ll do it myself” or “you’re doing everything wrong,” simply stops his attempts. And this is not surprising - why should he try if instead of gratitude he will still receive a reproach.
Over time, all his initiative dissolves, and he simply will not do anything, even if it is high time to nail a nail or move a sofa, because he knows that nothing good will come of his actions. Over time, the wife notices that her lover no longer takes the initiative and tries to avoid any responsibilities. And it is not surprising that in such a situation she is offended; at this moment the circle is closed and her husband is infuriated. What to do, you ask?
Ask him for help and try not to reproach him, even if, in your opinion, he does everything incorrectly and incorrectly. This is the only way to solve the problem, make concessions and be sure to communicate that you need help, because, in the end, he is not obliged to intuitively understand what exactly you want from him at the moment.
Managing husband
A wife’s attempts to control her husband through tears, emotions, ignoring, and refusing sex will not help in strengthening the relationship.
Men will not appreciate all these “efforts”
:
- frequent tears will develop immunity in the husband; if he previously tried to console and made concessions, then realizing after some time that this is one of her ways to achieve her goal, he will stop reacting;
- Screams and emotions will never help solve a problem, direct conversation is another matter, it is much more effective;
- By ignoring and showing indifference to a man, a woman tries to force him to pay attention to herself, but he draws the exact opposite conclusion from these actions;
- Disciplining your husband by not having sex can lead him to seek solace elsewhere.
He owes me
Many women are simply convinced that their spouse owes them something, unconditionally and with a 100% guarantee. There are a lot of such convinced ladies in our world. As soon as a girl receives a stamp in her passport, certain responsibilities are automatically assigned to the person. This could be due to a father's behavior towards his mother, the actions of a favorite character in a book or television series, or even a friend telling her how her life has changed since marriage. The main problem with this approach to the situation is that the girl not only places more hopes on her husband, that he should now bring her coffee in bed or love and cuddle with her around the clock, but she also expects this from him unconditionally, forgetting to notify her of her stereotypes and expectations. In this case, the advice of a psychologist is simply necessary.
My husband is annoying, what should I do in this case? First of all, finally realize that your irritation is not due to the fact that he has become worse, but to your unjustified expectations. You should not idealize your man - he is the same person as you. He also has hard days, getting up early for work and other minor troubles. He has his own character, needs, positive and negative sides. In fact, he does not have to behave like your father and the hero of the television series. He is as real as you are, and different events can happen in his life every day. Also, try talking to him, he may not realize that morning coffee will make you much happier and that it is important to you that he takes out the trash before work and not after.
What to do if irritation turns into hatred?
After I recorded the video, some subscribers wrote to me in the comments:
“Natalia, unfortunately, I have been looking for an approach to my husband for 13 years, his good character traits have disappeared without a trace. We have been divorced several times, but we live for the sake of the child, although I know that this is wrong. Please tell me what to do?”
«What is this all for? Perform artificial respiration on a corpse? »
“I gave birth 5 months ago, I still don’t want sex, we’ve been living together for 16 years, my eldest son is 15, he pisses me off ahhhhh my husband, in everything, he beat me, broke my leg, I forgave him, I can’t stand him.”
In such cases, I can only say one thing - leave!
But today I won’t write about hatred and how to free myself from it, this is a big topic, and a separate article is needed.
I finish here, and I hope that I was able to answer your request - how not to be annoyed by your husband with the advice of a psychologist?
I offer you several articles on the topic of problems in family relationships:
If your husband doesn't talk after a quarrel
8 reasons why your husband is always unhappy
7 reasons why a husband doesn't respect his wife?
Why doesn't my husband say he loves me?
10 tips on how to stop swearing over small things?
Be loved and happy!
Sincerely, family psychologist Natalia Gnezdilova
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The author of the article is Natalia Gnezdilova , family psychologist with 15 years of experience. I help women 35+ regain love, respect and trust in relationships with men. I consult online in any of the messengers - Skype, WhatsApp, Viber. Subscribe: my Instagram YouTube channel VK page
Obsession with a man
Many ladies ask a psychologist for advice when their husband annoys them. A specialist will tell you what to do only after fully familiarizing yourself with the problem.
A woman loves this man more than anything in her life, but does not notice that this man has become not just a partner, but the main object of her attention and the only interest in life. Being obsessed with your husband is also not a good tactic for starting a family. Indeed, in addition to the fact that the man, most likely, will not live up to your hopes, and more and more dirty details of his character will emerge under the microscope of your attention, the responsibility that you have placed on him will torment both of you. You will realize that before him there was more interesting in your life, and you will feel that you are wasting your life.
All the potential that you saw before will not develop as quickly as the hero of your favorite series, and over time, instead of the prince, you will face a loser. And it’s not at all surprising that at such a moment your husband annoys you. He, in turn, is also a victim in this situation. Your constant attention puts him in a state of stress, he will constantly worry that he will make a mistake somewhere, and sooner or later this will start to happen. Save yourself and your family, remember that there is another life besides your beloved man. Chat with friends, take up your favorite hobby. Stop focusing your life on him and you will notice that soon he will stop annoying you and your old feelings will return.
Unjustified expectations (fell in love with the project)
Instinctively, a woman needs to change and improve her environment.
In a primitive society, a man brought a raw mammoth and a woman made food out of it.
In our time, a woman came to a lonely bachelor, shook off the cobwebs from the walls, opened the windows, hung up photos of them together, put things in their places - created comfort in an unsociable den. It is not a fact that a man is satisfied, but a woman cannot do otherwise.
A man needs recognition of his merits, acceptance in his entirety, with his advantages and disadvantages. Women often try to change their partner with their love, so that for her sake he stops drinking, smoking, and becomes attentive and talkative.
How to overcome female nature: the desire to change and redo everything? Take care of yourself and distribute creative energy into other areas.
Comparison with others
Every woman should understand that you will always have friends whose husband receives more or gives flowers more often. And you don’t need to get hung up on the fact that you missed something. Yes, he may earn more than you, but how much attention does he pay to her? The same as yours? And flowers can be used as an apology for another betrayal or scandal.
Everywhere has both positive and negative sides. When your husband gets angry, what should you do? Psychologist's advice: stop doubting your lover. You are tormented by the question: what would happen if you married someone else? Better think about why you married your husband and what you will lose if he is not around. And you will definitely feel better, you will no longer be enraged by his salary or the fact that you cannot post a new bouquet on Instagram every day, but you watch a movie every evening in an embrace, knowing that he is nearby.
Appearance – weight, figure, face, etc.
There are men who directly tell their wives: “If you don’t lose weight, I’ll leave you, we’ll get a divorce.”
This is a fact of life, he married a young girl with a wasp waist, and 10 years later, next to him, outwardly a completely different person. This reason for the husband’s dissatisfaction is very contradictory, because many factors are involved. If your husband directly says that he is not satisfied with your weight, he even insults you and calls you all sorts of names, treats you with disdain, then there is a reason for you to think about whether you want to live with such a man?
I’ll tell you, as a specialist who has been dealing with weight loss problems for almost 10 years, a woman who is married simply does not gain much weight. This happens due to constant stress in relationships. This means that something did not go as the woman expected, and therefore the problems persist. And it seems to the husband that all his dissatisfaction lies in his wife’s excess weight.
What is the solution if your husband is unhappy with your figure?
Adapt to it and lose weight, which in principle is probably what you yourself want. You’re just having trouble losing weight, I’m sure you’ve made many attempts, but things are still going wrong. In order to lose weight, you need to solve those relationship problems that cause you heightened emotions.
The second way out is to confront your husband with the fact that you will not lose weight, that everything suits you personally. What happens in this case? You cross all attempts to prick you, and he needs to make a choice - he will continue to live with you as you are, or let him look for someone who is slim and young.
Your task is to remove your own fear that he will leave you, and you will be left completely alone, useless to anyone. This fear lowers your self-esteem and makes it possible to manipulate you.
Deal with fear and increase your self-esteem. And don't be afraid to stand up for your position! And... it is quite possible that as soon as you stop fighting your excess weight, you will begin to lose weight.
First child crisis
Many ladies, having given birth to their first child, notice that their husband is annoying and annoying. What to do in a situation where too much time and effort is spent on the baby and there is no time to be distracted by him? Why can’t he understand that now your life has changed dramatically and you have absolutely no time even for yourself, let alone for him? Everything is very simple, try to calm down and accept the fact that this is just such a period. Firstly, your hormones are still raging, of course, not as much as during pregnancy, but still.
Secondly, you sleep little, eat erratically and have generally forgotten what a normal life means, so it is not surprising that you are annoyed by what you think are your spouse’s childish grievances that you don’t heat up his soup as usual or don’t do other things. things that are familiar to him. Your instincts and the child have completely changed you, but for a man this is a very drastic change, and if rationally he can accept this state of affairs, then psychologically this is real stress for him. Almost all women are annoyed by their husbands at this time; this is completely normal. After all, the child takes all your energy and time, and instead of equal participation, most often the woman receives dissatisfaction from her husband, which only increases the scale of the problem.
The husband is annoying with his presence - a case from the practice of a psychologist
Let's consider a real case from the practice of a psychologist, when a woman's husband began to irritate him simply by his presence.
“My husband and I have been living together for 16 years. My husband started to annoy me. We have two kids. Anything happened during this time. But lately I have noticed that he has begun to irritate me with his presence.
The way he eats, laughs, and expresses his opinion about something infuriates me. Sometimes I cannot restrain myself, and my dissatisfaction breaks out in my gaze, sighs, grins, etc. But as soon as my husband leaves or leaves, I begin to miss him very much, counting the days and hours until we meet, waiting for his calls. On the phone we can talk endlessly. Then - meeting, joy, happiness, love, and after a while fatigue, dissatisfaction, irritation gradually begins to come again. What to do? After all, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him.”
Unfortunately, the feelings described are often typical scenarios in addictive relationships. The so-called wave-like attachment appears, which is characterized by sudden changes in mood and behavior. In such situations, the husband gets annoying at times.
The one who is attached demonstrates an ambivalent attitude towards his partner: “attachment-rejection” - sometimes he is affectionate, sometimes he is rude and avoids. At the same time, differences in treatment are frequent, halftones and compromises are absent, and the person himself cannot explain his behavior and clearly suffers from it.
This is typical for people whose parents were inconsistent and hysterical - they either caressed, or exploded and beat the child, doing both violently and without objective reasons, thereby depriving the child of the opportunity to understand their behavior and adapt to it.
As you understand, the reason for irritation in this case is that in early childhood the experience of permanent and trusting relationships was not gained. Closeness gave way to loneliness and pain, a feeling of uselessness. This mechanism of changing feelings has become entrenched in the unconscious - love is replaced by painful sensations. Irritation is superficial emotions behind which pain is hidden.
When you are at the peak of love, the information written inside appears that love does not last long. Pleasure is replaced by opposite sensations. Dissatisfaction in this case is an integral part of the internal scenario, when love and intimacy are replaced by pain, and intolerance arises as a defense against suffering.
My husband began to irritate me...Irritation also shows the line beyond which you are afraid to go. Behind it, your other face, the so-called shadow, opens. Showing dissatisfaction signals this and prevents you from penetrating into your depths. Taking a pause helps calm the beginning processes in the unconscious.
How to get rid of irritation in this case?
It's not easy to do because there's pain behind it. If it suddenly happens that you and your husband find yourself together in the same space, and there is no opportunity to separate, you will be able to get to know the real you, go through your painful feelings.
What is hidden behind your dissatisfaction will be revealed. And most importantly, the opportunity to love truly and deeply, to be in a permanent and long-term relationship will open up.
The emotions that arise after quarrels keep you on the surface of your feelings. An illusion of love is created in which no one feels the depth. The only way to cope with such irritation is to go through the circle of painful experiences and experience what is hidden behind this feeling.
It is quite possible that irritation is a response to a violation of boundaries. Very often, giving herself over to love, a woman forgets about herself. She puts aside her usual activities and changes plans. Her routine is changing.
The man seems to be disrupting her usual way of life. Hence the completely understandable dissatisfaction, as a reaction to the violation of boundaries, which a woman is very poorly aware and feels, but they exist, nevertheless.
It is important to find a compromise between life without a man and with him. You cannot maintain your usual way of life, you will have to change something, maybe even give up something, spend less time on something. But there is no need to go to the extreme where you forget about everything.
Imagine that your life without a man is a furnished room. You want to buy something else and put it in it. You will have to put things in order - remove something, move something, rearrange something. So in your life, you need to reconsider your habits and set priorities.
When with a man, always feel yourself and your desires. At first, force yourself to ask questions as often as possible about what you want, what your desires are. While following them, do not forget about your partner and his desires.
If you learn to listen to yourself, then irritation will not accumulate. Your husband should not create internal tension for you.
Dissatisfaction can be a signal that you do not want to be heard or understood. Maybe you want something, but for some reason you can’t do it, you don’t know how to refuse, or you need love and attention so much that you are afraid of upsetting your partner and, thereby, depriving yourself of the “elixir of life.”
You must understand that irritation hides deeper problems and experiences. At such moments, try to look inside yourself and understand what you feel, what is happening in your soul, how you feel.
Very often, the cause of internal protest can be the infantilism of the partner and his inability to solve problems on his own. An overly caring mother who strives for perfection will experience the same thing every time she does not see the result of her efforts.
The reason for this feeling may be the different speed of life. Some people need 1 day to make a decision, while others need a week or a month. This is definitely irritating. You must understand that there can be no speed in love, although everyday life imposes its own cliches. A family consists of many components. In this matter, it is important to be able to accept your partner’s differences from you.
My husband began to irritate me... Behind irritation there is always some unsatisfied need. You need to understand it. As soon as you get closer to yourself, learn to feel and understand yourself, then there will be no place for him in your life.
Although there is no need to be afraid of it, it is natural, and serves as the only indicator indicating that it is time to understand yourself and pay attention to your inner world.
Author: Irina Gavrilova
Solution
To avoid such problems, learn to talk with your spouse and discuss your inner experiences. After all, irritation is the consequences of the accumulation of emotional grievances that you simply swallowed. Even a tea bag that is not thrown into the trash can ultimately become a cause for scandal. But don't act like Charlotte from Sex and the City. She followed her husband and collected bags in silence, accumulating more and more negativity.
Say right away that you are not happy with this, and you would like him to act in a certain way in this situation. But don’t forget to listen to your spouse. After all, there is always a possibility that while you are asking the question “What to do if your husband is annoying?”, you yourself are provoking him to behave this way.
Actions
In fact, in such a situation there are three ways: restore the connection, break it, or do nothing. Moreover, the last option is the worst, since everything will only get worse. If you want to solve the problem, then try this. But if you are confident that you have done everything in your power, and the situation is only getting worse, then you should seriously think about divorce. In any case, it's up to you to decide what to do next. But if you decide to try to fix everything, then there are some tips from a psychologist. What to do if your husband is annoying?
Advice one. Change yourself
Leave your spouse alone, we cannot change another person, we just need to work on ourselves. Concentrate on yourself, tidy up your appearance and wardrobe, chat with friends, do what you love. If nothing comes to mind, try to find new activities and hobbies. Each representative of the fair sex is in some way a creative and creative person. And self-expression not only fills us with strength and inspiration, but also allows us to look at complex problems from a new angle. It also helps improve self-esteem. Try this option, and who knows, maybe the situation in your life will change dramatically and what used to irritate you about your lover will no longer be important.
Tip four. Give thanks
Don't forget to thank your man for what he does. After all, you want to be rewarded for a deliciously prepared dinner or a cleanly tidied house? Without receiving gratitude, you simply lose the desire to do anything. Perhaps the same thing happened to your spouse.
If you can understand what the reason is, then you will find the answer to the question of what to do. “I’m tired of my husband”, “it’s just annoying” - these are the words of many women, but in most cases they themselves are to blame. And any psychologist, unless, of course, we are talking about serious problems such as alcoholism or violence, will advise you to first look for the reason in yourself.
