The problem of teenage lies in 80% of cases lies in improper upbringing. Trusting relationships are the main trump card in the hands of parents, but many do not know how to use it. There is probably no person who has not lied at least once in his life. For some, this is a white lie, for others, it is a state of mind. Such people can be divided into three categories: pathological liars, those who like to embellish, and those who lie due to circumstances. All of them were not born with a deceitful character trait, but acquired it in the process of growth and development. It all starts in childhood and adolescence, when a small omission gives rise to a big lie. What to do if you catch your child lying and how to deal with it, you will learn from this article.
A teenager is a creature perfectly aware of everything that he was not taught at school. Marcilyn Cox
A teenage girl lies to her mother. For what? For what?
Fear of failure
If teenagers in the first case lie only to their parents, then their fear of failure causes a defensive reaction, which manifests itself in lying to everyone. Teachers are the first to be negatively affected. A schoolchild, fearing publicity or ridicule, deliberately lies that he did not learn the lesson. He tells parents lies in the form of exaggerations of his success at school. In this case, you will need consultation or advice from a psychologist. If teenagers outgrow certain categories of lies without the intervention of specialists, then this one can leave trauma for the rest of their lives. Already in adulthood, a person will not only lie to everyone, but will also not be able to express himself as an individual due to constant fear.
Don't punish the thief
No, this does not mean at all that you need to turn a blind eye to the misconduct! But physical punishment also makes no sense. The rule of punishment is simple: you cannot direct the impact from the personality of the parent to the personality of the child.
The situation itself must punish. And the object of punishment is incorrect behavior, and the child himself remains loved. Second is consistency. No double standards: dad can do it, but you can’t; Yesterday it was possible, but today it is impossible; Yesterday they punished, and tomorrow they gave up.
At the crime scene
You can call the baby from another room, redirect his attention, and then ask him what he was doing where he was noticed. If the thief is from 3 to 6 years old, then you can conduct a dialogue with him quite openly, saying: “I saw how you did this
You know, I felt very sorry for the owner of this thing. I immediately thought how upset he would be..."
A teenager who is caught off guard can expect to react with anger or outright lies.
In both cases, there is no need to raise your voice or use the imperative mood.
It’s better to quietly and half-jokingly ask: “Do you need my help? I was going to give you a few hundred for the movie, but I see you can handle it on your own. Only you take from the wrong wallet (pocket, bag). For you, I put money in a piggy bank (box, jar). How much do you need?" The question is asked in order to draw the child into dialogue.
As you continue the conversation, be sure to find out what the amount is for. For some purchases, you need to plan a budget and purchase period together; for others, you need to explain that such expenses are irrational or unaffordable for the family now. It is necessary to end the dialogue with a compromise, an agreement.
Over the years
Punishment is ineffective if it comes at the wrong time. Children are not punished for events of long ago - this does not improve the situation tomorrow at all, but it harms contact and psychological comfort today.
If the fact of theft became known after the fact, then you can only talk with the child about whether he realizes his guilt
It is important that in this conversation the phrase is heard: “Well done for not being afraid to talk about it”
Isolation and loneliness
A teenager's isolation leads him to lies
Such conditions sometimes become the basis for a teenager’s lies. To the best of his imagination, he makes up stories that supposedly happened to him. This happens because the child considers his life uninteresting, and invented stories elevate him to the rank of a hero. Thus, the teenager lies in order to increase his importance in the eyes of his peers and to make friends with them. Here you should take a closer look at your child and talk to him. Conversations should be unobtrusive, so as not to frighten, aimed at increasing self-esteem. If the parents themselves cannot cope with this problem, it is necessary to consult a psychologist.
At what age do children start lying and why do they do it?
If you think about it, lying to a small child is quite difficult. First, he will have to come up with a parallel reality and say: “This happened.” Then you need to somehow reconcile it in your mind with what actually happened. You should maneuver between the first and second so as not to get confused, and also - and this is the most difficult thing - to keep in mind what you think and know.
Children begin to lie as I described above no earlier than four years old. Then it seems to them that they have acquired a new superpower. “Wow, I can make things up and people will believe me! Yes, this is amazing!
Quite often, children lie because adults cannot calmly and without judgment accept the truth. Some lie to get out of trouble, others just fantasize or deceive to please adults.
Sometimes children lie to communicate an emotional truth. When they are asked what happened and they don't know how to explain, they make up a story to suit their feelings.
One day in kindergarten, when my daughter Flo was three years old, she was unusually quiet. The teacher asked her if anything bad had happened. She replied, “My goldfish died.” When I picked her up, the teacher told me about their conversation. I said, “Uh... But we don’t keep fish.”
As I thought about it, I realized that she was telling the truth to some extent. My beloved aunt died, and naturally I grieved. Flo saw that I was crying; and sympathized with me as best she could. But the overwhelming, terrible weight of my loss simply had to be reduced to the size of a goldfish so that the baby could survive it.
The more consistently we put our feelings and our children's feelings into words, the less likely they are to have to lie to convey emotional truth to us. Sometimes they fantasize for self-comfort, and we should, as with any other abnormal behavior, look for the feelings that lie behind it, and not judge the child.
Independence, autonomy, audacity
Trying to keep their parents at a distance, not wanting outside interference in their personal space, teenagers begin to lie. Having his own beliefs and occupation, which his father and mother do not approve of, the child dodges, trying in every way to hide his secrets. You should not pester your child, much less prohibit him from doing what he loves, if it does not contradict the law. When experiencing the insolence of a teenager who wants to establish justice from his point of view, do not get into an argument with him, this will only complicate the situation. Try to delve into what your child is passionate about, it could be goths, punks, anime and other trends, after 1-2 years the hobby will pass, only memories will remain.
Uncomfortable topics of conversation
Personal, “uncomfortable” topics
There are situations when teenagers do not always lie, but only in the case of unpleasant conversational moments. This mainly concerns friendship, love and sex education. Minors, trying to hide some points or having no desire to discuss such topics at all, begin to lie. This happens due to poor contact with the child. He cannot fully open up and tell everything as it is. Advice from a psychologist will help establish this contact, but it is worth knowing that the problem here may not only be with the teenager, the parent must also change.
The problem of child theft
Childhood is the time of formation of the personality of a future person; this period is very responsible and dangerous at the same time. If parents miss important moments, the consequences will affect the child's entire life. The greatest changes during growing up occur during adolescence, however, the roots of changes appear much earlier. It is much easier to stop the first changes, rather than wait until criminal acts become the norm and become permanent.
It may seem that the once obedient toddler has suddenly turned into a brash and rude teenager. But this is far from true, you can simply miss all the dangerous signals and let the situation take its course.
A person cannot exist without communication and interaction with people. However, the social environment is very aggressive; from the first steps, the child begins to defend his rights for his “place in the sun.” Self-affirmation, for some children, becomes a priority idea. Very unsightly methods can be used - drinking alcohol, drugs, rude behavior, robbery. Statistics show that deviant behavior is observed in every sixth child. According to anonymous surveys, about 6% of secondary school students admitted to theft; the real numbers are probably even higher.
The problem of child theft is very difficult, but solvable
It is important not to go to extremes: on the one hand, completely ignore it, on the other, react with panic, aggression, and misunderstanding. The key to an effective fight is to find the causes of theft
If you lie, you can avoid punishment
Situations of this kind are common; if teenagers lie, they thereby save themselves from punishment for an offense. To a greater extent, this happens if parents are despots and do not understand that different things can happen in life. The child, taught by the bitter experience of receiving punishment, deliberately hides the truth by telling lies. If at least once he provides himself with such protection from punishment, the lies will continue to be repeated. In this case, parents should turn to a psychologist for advice, because they are the ones to blame for this behavior of their child.
Who's really to blame?
People around the child should pay attention first of all to themselves and think about what they did to provoke it. Perhaps they did not explain the reasons why he does not have this or that thing, perhaps they showed greed towards him
Or maybe, when distributing funds within the family, some of its members - children - did not receive proper financial attention. How often do we do this? Dad can afford to spend part of his salary on drinking beer with friends, but the child cannot afford anything - he doesn’t earn any money. And if parents ignore his needs, this will not lead to anything good. The family budget should be distributed among all its members - including those who cannot yet earn money
It is important
Of course, a lot depends on what kind of theft happened: was it the first time - or has it become a pattern? What exactly was stolen? Both the behavior of adults and the degree of punishment depend on this. It’s one thing if a child steals candy or an orange - he can do it out of hunger or because he simply doesn’t see such treats at home. It’s another matter if a child who has a phone takes another one for himself. Parents faced with such a problem should be puzzled not only by the issue of punishment, but, above all, by finding out the reasons for the theft.
What to do if a teenager is lying
What to do with a teenager's lies?
Having suspected your child of lying, you should not immediately ring the bells and accuse him of all sins. Perhaps this is his first bitter experience that ended in failure, and he will not practice this again. Just talk without shouting, explain that lying is bad. Tell him that sooner or later the lie will be revealed, and he will receive the stigma of a liar for a long time, it will be uncomfortable, ashamed and disgusting.
If the teenager continues to lie, determine the reason. Depending on it, further actions must be taken. The best option would be to contact a psychologist for advice. You should visit a specialist for the first time on your own, without involving your child. In 80% of cases, the problem of children lying is hidden in improper upbringing and poor relationships with parents.
It is worth sharing the level of lies; if this is a defensive reaction or hiding facts in order to avoid punishment, you should abandon the harsh measures of punishment practiced in your family. Make the punishment less severe so that the teenager does not take it with hostility. Instead of spanking and banning the Internet, offer to clean the room, replant the flowers, etc. After this, your child will have no need to lie, because he will know that he will not be punished harshly, as before.
What you should never do
Correct behavior tactics are the key to successful dialogue with a child. A thoughtless punishment can once and for all deprive you of the authority and trust of your son or daughter.
- Do not arrange a public debriefing of the flight, especially if the child committed theft for the first time.
- Do not label, do not call the child a criminal, a thief, do not paint gloomy pictures of the prison future.
- Don’t say phrases like “We didn’t raise you for this,” “There are no thieves in our family,” “I didn’t expect this from you.”
- Do not compare your child with other children, famous criminals, negative characters, do not give examples from family history, for example, “You are just like your grandfather, who served 25 years.”
- Do not pester with constant reproaches and reminders of the offense committed.
- Do not discuss the situation with strangers and family members in the presence of the child, savoring the details and thereby humiliating him.
- Don't bring up past misdeeds while scolding them for what just happened.
No matter how impudently a child behaves, he is still afraid and expects punishment, so the listed negative statements will be received with hostility. It will be like in the famous joke - “I behave the way you called me, what don’t you like?” If you choose the right tactics, he will listen, and then you will have a conversation from which he will draw conclusions.
Bottom line. Short advice from a psychologist to parents
- Treat your teenager like an adult.
- Talk to him more, tell him about your problems and experiences.
- Give more independence.
- Be sure to knock before entering the room.
- Be tolerant, but control the situation.
- Ask questions unobtrusively during the conversation.
- React to all confessions, even if you don’t like them, without outbursts, evenly.
Only joint work, established contact and mutual understanding will help rid your teenager of an addiction.
Yabrova Ksenia Aug 24, 2021
What should a Sunday school teacher do if one of his students steals?
It is imperative to respond to such a situation. First of all, notify the child’s parents. If they do nothing, you need to tell someone in charge about what happened - the director, the priest, the rector of the temple. As the Gospel says: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone; If he listens to you, then you have gained your brother; But if he does not listen, take with you one or two more, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established; if he does not listen to them, tell the church; and if he does not listen to the church, then let him be to you as a pagan and a publican” (Matthew 18:15-17). That is, you need to act gradually: first talk to the director of the Sunday school, and if that doesn’t help, talk to the rector of the church.
I would also advise talking to your confessor so that he can give advice on how to act in such a situation. But I am convinced that the range of information about this incident needs to be expanded, and not hushed up. Perhaps, if the parents do not react to what is happening, the confessor will give advice to involve the dean in solving the problem or involve caring parishioners who will help influence the situation. It is very sad if parents cover up theft and do not strive to compensate for the losses and help their child improve. But we definitely need to talk about this. Do not shout or scold the child, but talk to the parents and everyone who has influence on him.
