“Lies”: Why you shouldn’t lie Neuroscientist Sam Harris wrote a book about how even the most innocent lie can ruin a relationship

I hate lies in people. It can be different for everyone, very skillful or idle and unexpected - like a knife.

I hate lies in people. The one that is considered harmless, the one for which I am ashamed. Although it’s not me, but you who are lying to me. I hate lies in people. And my soul suffers greatly when they give it with a smile , so that at first you can’t tell. I hate lies in people. There is half a step from lies to betrayal. Once upon a time, everything was decided by the sword. But now the old style is worthless. I hate lies in people. And I don't accept explanations. After all, a person is like spring rain, And how pure he is, April rain...

Andrey Dementyev

And I hate lies in all its forms. You can’t treat her positively; if they lie to you, then it’s doubly unpleasant, isn’t it? Being deceived is not the best feeling. Lying is definitely bad, everyone knows it. Although, it is impossible to always tell only the truth, not to live, to be such an ideal lover of truth. The realization that everyone is lying and you are an angel is a manifestation of pride, I think so.

So what to do: to lie or not to lie... And can there be a middle ground in this matter?

Truth for health

The habit of telling the truth when you are tempted to lie can significantly improve both mental and physical health.

This is the conclusion reached by the authors of the study “The Science of Honesty,” which was presented at the 120th American Psychological Association.

Anita Kelly and study co-author Liyuan Wang, Ph.D., of Notre Dame, conducted the experiment over 10 weeks with 110 participants—34% adults and 66% college students. The age of the participants ranged from 18 to 71 years.

Participants in the experiment were divided into two groups, one of which was instructed not to lie as much as possible for 10 weeks, and the second served as a control group. Both groups came into the lab every week to have their health checked by researchers and also tested on lie detector tests on the number of lies they told during the week.

The study revealed that there is a connection between lying and mental and physical health . For example, when study participants from the “honest” group lied three times less, they were less susceptible to melancholy and depressive moods. In addition, people in this group suffered less from headaches and sore throats.

The participants had noticeably improved relationships with loved ones, which reduced the amount of stress and had a positive effect on their health. After the experiment, the participants realized that they can do without deception and exaggeration, they can not lie to justify their lateness or the fact that they cannot do something.

So, telling the truth means maintaining your mental and physical health and getting rid of unnecessary stress . The participants in the experiment realized that they didn’t have to lie, but why did they lie before? There are several reasons why people often tell lies, poisoning the lives of both themselves and their loved ones.

How to become a sincere person: 7 recommendations ​

“I have been married for 15 years. I don’t know what to do - my husband lies to me all the time. Deception for any reason: that he will be home soon, but he himself is delayed for another 2 hours; that he lent money to a friend, although he spent it himself; that he paid the bills for the apartment, but in fact forgot. I often catch my man in lies, but he constantly pretends that he doesn’t understand what we’re talking about. There are no serious lies from him yet to cover up his infidelities. But why lie about everyday issues? I don’t know how to explain to him that it’s time to stop lying. Calm conversations lead nowhere, everything repeats itself over and over again. We have a son who is 13 years old. The guy also lies all the time, copying his father’s behavior.”

— Marina, 35 years old

Living honestly is a difficult path that requires big personal changes. It is impossible to unlearn lying overnight if lying has already become a pathological habit. This is a difficult struggle with a habitual pattern of behavior. In order to develop new personal qualities, you have to peel off the ingrained lies layer by layer, look at life differently, open your eyes to unresolved problems, and admit the mistakes you have made.

So how to become sincere? Recommendations from psychologists will help:

1. Be sincere with yourself

Many pathological liars eventually begin to believe their own lies. This cannot be allowed. It is much more productive to acknowledge the problem rather than run away from it. So why convince yourself that you didn’t call your friend because you were forgetful, and not because your relationship hasn’t been working out lately?

If you stop lying to yourself, you will be honest with others.

1. Put yourself in the other person's shoes when you want to lie

To combat your own lies, when the desire to tell a lie is simply irresistible, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. The simplest, but very effective technique, which will gradually become a useful habit. Before you lie, think about this: would you be pleased to hear a lie in a similar situation? Most likely no. Develop empathy so as not to hurt the feelings of loved ones.

1. Highlight the topics that make you lie

You must clearly see the reasons that force you to constantly lie/embellish reality/hide the truth. Highlight these “painful” topics for yourself.

In what areas of your life do you lie most often? This could be professional activity, relationships with a partner, raising children. It seems that it is easier to lie - this way, even in a meaningless conversation, you can seem better and more successful. All this is the cause of complexes and fears.

By identifying your “problem” areas, it will become easier for you to work on yourself productively.

1. If you can't tell the truth, you better remain silent

Do you understand that you cannot resist lying? Force yourself to remain silent. Instead of making up stories again, politely avoid the question or change the subject. Your answer may create some awkwardness in the conversation, but it is much more productive than lying.

1. Do not exaggerate

To become an honest person, start small - stop embellishing your stories. Sometimes even an ordinary discussion of affairs with a friend turns into boasting and real fairy tales. It seems that nothing bad will happen if you tell your colleagues how wonderful you had your vacation, keeping silent about the fact that you actually chose not the best hotel and spent the entire vacation quarreling with your husband/wife. But to be honest, you need to stop being afraid to be yourself.

Learn to control yourself. Do not embellish reality in conversations and do not give advice, presenting yourself as an expert on a particular issue, although you are not one.

1. Stop gossiping

Even an innocent discussion with a friend about mutual acquaintances can lead to unpleasant consequences. Yes, there is a desire to look better than the other person. But most gossip is also a lie. They destroy friendships and professional relationships.

To stop gossiping, before you engage in an unpleasant conversation, think: could you say the same thing to the person in question? If you can, then it's not gossip. But if not, you will certainly “wash the bones” of another person, which cannot be called good form.

1. Practice telling the truth

If you lie more often than you tell the truth, practice being honest. This will help you be more open and aware of your own behavioral mistakes.

One effective training is communicating with strangers (for example, on online forums). Communicate openly on thematic sites and reveal all facets of your personality. Telling the truth to a person with whom you have no relationship is much easier due to the absence of any negative consequences. It doesn’t matter what exactly you discuss with strangers - your life, TV shows, favorite culinary recipes, etc. The main rule is to tell your interlocutor only the truth.

Another way to train the ability to be honest is to go to the mirror once a day and tell your reflection at least one truth that you hide from yourself or from others. This will help you understand that admitting your mistakes is doing the right thing and developing integrity. The time will come when you decide to sincerely tell about your lies to the people you once offended. This will remove the burden of responsibility from the soul.

To stop lying to your loved ones, it is important to want it and come to the understanding that lying is the same bad habit as, for example, smoking. Refusal from it must be decisive and unambiguous. But in some cases, the abuse of lies reaches such proportions that an independent solution to the problem becomes impossible.

In the fight against negative behavior patterns, including constant lying, the 7Spsy behavior modification technology shows excellent results. This is a certified technique based on the theories of I. P. Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, A. A. Ukhtomsky and others.

Let's learn to be honest and truthful

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Completing the 7Spsy course will help you change your behavior, stop constantly lying - about little things and about more serious issues, and teach you sincerity in communication. Very soon the advantages of an honest life, in which there is no place for lies, will become obvious to you. You will notice that there is no longer a need to remember the details of the lies told, and those around you will begin to treat you with greater respect in response to your sincerity. By following the training program, you will replace negative attitudes with positive ones and receive valuable recommendations that will help you further develop honesty. Having understood your personal problems, you will stop being led by complexes and fears that constantly push you into deliberate lies and prevent you from developing.

The course of behavior modification is designed for 2-6 weeks. Classes are held remotely, the psychologist gives recommendations by phone, e-mail and online chats. You are not obligated to tell anyone that you are undergoing training and solving your personal problems with a specialist. Participation in the course is strictly confidential.

Becoming honest means becoming more self-confident, decent and successful, and getting rid of numerous complexes. Lies are destructive, they should not accompany you throughout your life. Being sincere is much more productive.

Sources:

1. “Lies and methods of defending against them,” 2022, V. Sheinov.
2. “Psychology of lies and deception: how to expose a liar”, 2016, E. V. Spiritsa.
3. “How to recognize a lie. Effective methods for detecting deception", 2013, P. Meyer.

Reasons to become a liar

It is common for people to tell only part of the truth that they consider appropriate, or the information that they think the other person wants to hear. The rest of the truth is hidden. People can lie “to save themselves” or regularly come up with white lies that won’t harm anyone, but it still has a detrimental effect on both their sense of self and their relationships.

Even a white lie leaves a bitter aftertaste, because if you tell a lie, you will never feel like a truly strong person.

By telling lies, you will never feel like a truly strong person, a person who is not afraid to say what is, and not what they want to hear.

Here are some reasons why people often tell lies and the consequences this leads to:

Why do people lie?

“I don’t know what to do with myself. I constantly lie - I embellish stories, and sometimes I completely “remake” them, passing off my own fantasies as reality. I lie to everyone - my friends, my parents, my husband. The most recent case: I told my husband that I was rude at the clinic, although this was not the case. I was just offended that the doctor didn’t see me, so I lied. I didn’t expect this, but my husband began calling higher authorities and demanding that the employees who insulted me be punished immediately. The truth, of course, came out. As a result, I had to make excuses to everyone - my husband and doctors. My husband was shocked and looked at me in amazement - they say, she’s such an adult, but she came up with some nonsense. He forgave me because he loves me. But can he continue to tolerate me, because the habit of lying has not gone away? I still lie - about little things and big things. I can't control myself and become honest. I don’t know how to stop lying to the person I love.”

— Irina, 23 years old

It is impossible to stop constantly lying to people without understanding what exactly pushes you to lie. People lie because:

• Since childhood we have been accustomed to being “unreal”;
• they want to appear in the best light in the eyes of others;
• want to absolve themselves of responsibility or justify any actions;
• want to manipulate others;
• strive to gain some benefit;
• want to meet the expectations of loved ones;
• they are afraid of offending their interlocutor;
• afraid to be honest and open;
• truly believe that their lies are true. [2]

Response Management

When you tell your best friend about your relationship with your co-workers or your loved one, are you telling the whole truth or just one side of it? Do you keep silent about small but significant details, change your opponent’s phrases? If so, think about how these changes might affect your friend's view of the story and its participants?

Most often, such a lie is needed in order to get the desired answer from the interlocutor , so that he does not objectively evaluate your story, but simply confirms that it is so, you were right. As a result, you are simply manipulating his opinion. By moderately hiding the facts, you are leading your friend to the necessary conclusions; what kind of objectivity can we talk about here?

Remember that by doing this, you are depriving yourself of sincere friendly advice that could help you, a real person's opinion about the situation and an exchange of opinions. It turns out that you need not a friend, but a listener.

What is a lie

A lie is a conscious statement that is obviously not true. This is the deliberate transmission of distorted factual and emotional information for the purpose of creating or maintaining a belief in another person. [1]

Lies have long penetrated into all areas of our lives. They say that without deception it is impossible to achieve success at work, maintain a marriage for many years, raise a child, or maintain friendly relations with relatives and friends. This is a big mistake. Even a harmless lie can cause serious consequences for at least two people - the one who lied and the one who was deceived.

Let's learn to be honest and truthful

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Lying is a phenomenon that includes a variety of situations and tactics. Emotions, actions, words can be deceitful. A person can distort data by removing important details from a story or embellishing reality. Even hiding important information is considered deception.

Lies for replacement

Every person sometimes misses some details that are better not mentioned. Sometimes you do this to spare other people's feelings, but very often the details mean a lot.

For example, your partner asks you what you did today, and you don’t mention that you stopped by your ex-lover’s for tea. Maybe you have only friendly relations left between you, and you don’t want your partner to be jealous, but imagine that he will see you together. What will he think then?

Lying creates a shadowy atmosphere, makes you feel guilty even if you haven't done anything wrong, and lies multiply lies . On the other hand, if you can tell your partner everything, it creates a feeling of mutual trust and peace of mind.

When not to be a hypocrite

It has happened more than once in my life that I spent months, or even years, on projects that simply had no future.
Not least of all, I wasted a lot of effort because I didn't hear honest feedback about my work. It also happened: thanks to timely, frank criticism, I quickly changed course and avoided stressful and unnecessary work in time. The difference between these two situations is huge. Yes, sometimes it can be unpleasant to hear that we wasted our time or that the quality of our work is not at all what we thought it was. But justified criticism helps us find our place in the world. I have a friend who is a very successful writer. At the beginning of his creative career, he wrote a script that I considered terrible, which I did not fail to tell him about. It was not easy for me to decide on this criticism, because my friend had been working on the script for almost a year. But that was the truth (as I saw it). Now when I praise his work, he knows that I really like it.

Case in point: “Does this dress make me look fat?” According to most people, the correct answer to this question is: “No.” It clearly demonstrates why white lies are so attractive. Indeed, why not cheer up a woman with the help of an innocent lie and thereby give her self-confidence? But if a person does not get into the habit of telling the truth in such situations, then it will soon turn out that there are too many exceptions to his rule of honesty. And he will suddenly discover that he is easily and naturally acting like most people: hiding the truth or even outright lying, without thinking much about it. So the price of white lies is too high. What is the truth? Maybe the woman really looks fat in this dress, but it’s not her figure that’s to blame, but the cut that makes her look fat. By telling the truth, you will convince her to choose a more suitable style that hides flaws and emphasizes advantages.

But let's imagine a situation in which telling the truth is much more difficult: a woman looks fat in this, or any other dress, because she is fat. She's, say, a 35-year-old single woman who desperately wants to get married and have a family. And you think that most men are not eager to date her because of her weight. Marriage aside, you know for sure that she will be happier, healthier and more confident if she gets in shape. When we choose to lie for the benefit of others, we take on the responsibility of deciding for them what they should know about their own lives—appearance, reputation, or prospects.

Exaggeration

Lack of self-confidence often forces people to create and maintain a particular image in order to gain approval from other people. This is a disastrous idea - when you exaggerate your strengths, the feeling of self-doubt only grows , and if the deception is revealed, everything only gets worse.

Another reason may be to justify feelings of guilt. For example, when your refusal upsets a person, and you lie, but do not fulfill your promise. Gradually, for this person, your words will lose all meaning. An honest refusal is many times better than a fake promise that you had no intention of keeping from the very beginning. Your feelings of guilt will only grow, and your relationship will deteriorate.

Is lying good or bad?

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As we now know for sure, lying is not good for your health. But why did people, particularly those who participated in the study, constantly fill their lives with lies?

Firstly, there is an opinion that a lie can be aimed at salvation. That is, if it does not harm anyone, but, on the contrary, saves the situation, for example, a marriage, then it is permissible.

The moral and ethical factor in this case is generally vague and strongly depends on the culture and religious affiliation of the person. Many religions directly say that lying to the enemy is not a sin, but a trick of war, and there is no need to keep this word.

Other religions directly say that only the word given to fellow believers matters, and it is not at all necessary to communicate honestly with everyone else if it is not beneficial at a given time.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard humanity tries, it has not been possible to create a universal code of morality to this day. Therefore, the moral and ethical aspect of the problem remains open. One is willing to lie to keep a good job or income. Another will do this only when it comes to life and death. The third will not do this even under the threat of immediate execution.

How to stop lying?

Lies are for cowards

Stop listening to your inner voice, which is trying to protect you from momentary shocks. This inner voice does not necessarily express your point of view, it is dictated by the fear of trouble , and by giving in to it, you are simply going against yourself.

The courage to tell the truth is a real reason to respect yourself.

Don't lie to your loved ones

The next step is to be more honest with those you love. It won't always be easy to handle the truth, but in the long run you will gain much more trust and respect from people whose opinions you care about .

If you are thinking about whether to tell the truth, think about whether you want to be trusted, so that your words are always supported by actions? As you learn to tell the truth without hiding parts of it, you will gradually develop more trusting and honest relationships.

Complete honesty: reality or utopia?

Not everyone is ready for the truth: complete honesty is possible only between people of high psychological culture and great inner Strength.

We deceive only weak (in our opinion) people (he won’t stand it/get upset/react inappropriately/it will kill him). Imagine a person with a strong, healthy, balanced psyche who is able to adequately assess situations and respond to them. Would you lie to someone like that?

There is another fact due to which honesty is written into a utopian way of life. This equates honesty with rudeness (this also includes conveying the truth to the addressee without his request). Friends, honesty and rudeness are two different things. Firstly, there is no need to “do good” and bring the truth to the masses, while the masses did not ask you for this, did not even ask. Secondly, do not throw it out on your head along with your personal poison and bile. Your poison is already your personal problem, and not the problem of the truth, and you can get figuratively “in the eye” (or maybe not figuratively) precisely because of this poison.

The problem with many beginning truth-tellers is that they do not tell the truth completely. I’ll give you a couple of life hacks: first, before voicing your opinion, ask the other person if he wants to hear it. Secondly, if they want to hear your opinion, but you assume that such truth can get you in the face, say something like this: “My opinion on this issue is a little unconventional and different from the generally accepted one, and I am afraid that it may offend you " After this, either the person “turns on the back”, or his ego will no longer allow him to be offended by your statements. Thirdly, never get emotional or raise your voice. If you speak loudly and emotionally, it causes the people around you a subconscious desire to argue with you and disagree, even if you are right.

Another thing is that such a presentation of the truth requires you to have a certain skill and work through a large number of internal problems. Well, on the other hand, what did you want? Inner honesty means a completely different worldview, a different environment, a different quality of life. Any skill must be learned; nothing happens on its own.

Deception, lies and lying - what's the difference?

Before answering the main question of the article, I propose to understand what deception, lies and lies are. In the first case, we try to present some event in a form that is softer for the interlocutor, without depriving them of their essence of truth. In the other two, we openly distort events in order to appear more attractive to our partner, to remove suspicions of certain actions or words. Thus, deception in a relationship is possible (we will talk about these cases below), but the consequences of ordinary lies can be fatal - up to and including divorce or separation.

Moreover, psychologists are sure: lying destroys relationships when there is a lot of it, when it becomes a habit for one or both partners and begins to replace the truth on a regular basis. It’s a very sad situation when a man and a woman have been lying to each other for many years and know about it, but for some reason they leave everything as it is. It’s not difficult to understand what I’m talking about: turn on any movie or TV series where wealthy spouses have lovers on the side. Knowing that their partner is not faithful, they are, nevertheless, in no hurry to separate, trying to maintain the image of an ideal couple. A man does not want to be known as a “cuckold” in his circles, and a woman does not want to lose her financial support.