Everybody lies. Lying is as common an everyday occurrence as eating cereal for breakfast or smiling condescendingly at a friend’s unfunny joke. The only difference is in the approach to lying. For some, this is a forced necessity, but for others, it is a completely acceptable means of achieving goals. It doesn't matter which of these groups you belong to. Most of us have been tirelessly and tediously repeated since childhood that lying is bad. However, what is often not said is that white lies exist.
But these same people are silent on one important detail: Not only do they most likely periodically deceive, lie, or simply keep silent, but they also lie at the very moment when they are trying to teach you. It's not good to lie, but sometimes you have to. We do not live in a utopia, but in a real world that is not divided into black and white. In addition to them, there is also the color of the thigh of a frightened nymph, a toad in love, or even gridepper. Examples of colors simply confirm that any phenomenon can be viewed from different angles. And also called differently and condemned. So is lying: while in most cases it is not the most optimal tactic, in some cases it cannot be avoided. After all, lying is really bad, and lies are best left for dessert.
Situations in which concealment or distortion of the truth is considered necessary can be divided into 2 groups, based on the consequences:
- There are no or minor consequences.
- The consequences of lying are more pleasant than the consequences of telling the truth.
When does a white lie take place?
How often do we resort to white lies?
Statistics show that only 6% of people tell the truth, 8% lie constantly, 26% of people lie every day, 28% lie a couple of times a year, and 32% several times a month.
There are many situations when it is impossible to do without lying. As a rule, people tell white lies:
- At the moment when you need to cheer up a person during illness. This is a necessary procedure for a person to continue to resist and fight for his health.
- When communicating with children. In order not to traumatize the child’s psyche, it is sometimes better to hide something.
- You don't want your family to be upset or disappointed in you. Sometimes it's better not to talk about all the problems.
- When you don’t want to start a conflict with your loved ones, because the truth is not always pleasant and can lead to a quarrel.
- When communicating via the Internet, do not tell the whole truth to maintain your safety.
- If a person wants to cheer someone up. Such lies are harmless.
- By supporting your loved ones, you can show your solidarity so as not to spoil your relationship with them.
A white lie remains an evil. But it happens that the truth brings more troubles than the worst lies. Karina Pyankova (Rights and Responsibilities. Ealius the Dragon Slayer)
Deception and pedagogy: surprising, but sometimes it is necessary
Raising stubborn little kids can be very difficult. Sometimes you have to go to all sorts of tricks to get them to do what is needed for pedagogical purposes. The simplest example is the brilliant and lazy Tom Sawyer with his fence. He slightly embellished reality and hid his true intentions and goals, but in the end the fence turned out to be painted! You can behave in a similar way if you simply cannot tell the child directly what is required of him. Because he will refuse - the real goal will seem too boring and uninteresting to him.
White lies: arguments FOR and AGAINST
Each of us communicates with the people around us: at work, at home, among friends, moms on the playground, in the store...
At the same time, we are constantly faced with issues of trust and deception, lies and truth, friendship and mistrust. Often we see outright and blatant lies that are invented on purpose.
But even here, not everything is so simple. Sometimes they resort to lying in order to avoid trouble, so as not to injure their family and friends, and so on.
Distorting the truth, hiding certain events and actions, presenting oneself in the best light is the norm these days. Adults often scold children “for lying,” and they themselves often dissemble and embellish. So this is completely normal? This is confirmed by experts. In our age, it is unrealistic to fit into society without the ability to hide a lot and “present” yourself in the best light.
Lies, or rather the suppression of certain facts and concealment of the truth, are constantly present in our lives. There are no squeaky clean people, just as there are no “total liars.”
Main conclusions
Be that as it may, for me personally, the concepts of “bitter truth” and “sweet lie” are manifestations of those two opposites, which, despite the continuous struggle with each other, have something in common.
This is somewhat reminiscent of a compass needle, the two halves of which continuously strive to take the required position (in accordance with the cardinal points). Moreover, they simultaneously exist on a single axis around which all events occur.
If I suddenly strayed from the path of truth and began to follow the path of lies, hiding my choice under the guise of a “white lie,” then sooner or later the compass needle will definitely point to my real location (for there is nothing secret that would not become obvious ) and will suggest the correct route.
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White lies: reasons + examples
Fear
Many actions are a consequence of this all-consuming and practically uncontrollable feeling.
There is nothing wrong with fear itself. Fear helps us exist in this world; it regulates the basic instinct - survival. In the event of some kind of threat, we first of all save our lives, and also do everything to provide ourselves with food, warmth and protection.
A person always strives to be comfortable and safe, and it is the fear of losing something good, necessary, necessary that often pushes one to deceive.
Basically, lying to one degree or another is associated with the fear of losing a loved one, friend, girlfriend, trust. As a consequence, the suppression of some “ugly” facts of one’s biography, fairy-tale theories, fables, and the like.
As an example, consider the following case. The husband was late at work because he was celebrating a colleague’s birthday. Arriving home, he told his wife that he had to solve urgent work problems outside of work hours, and drank a glass to relieve stress.
And here is another case that is familiar first-hand to parents of children studying at school: A boy gets a bad mark and tears out a page from his diary and waits in horror - “whether he blows it or not.”
Creating a certain opinion about yourself
And there is nothing supernatural about this.
This is our nature. We value those who are nearby and present ourselves in the best light, and do not talk about negative aspects. We all want to be better, we all want to be loved and treated well. For graduation, we take out the best dress and pretend to be boundless happiness, we don’t talk about our problems, we only talk about our non-childish achievements, which naturally did not exist.
The desire to hide the truth for humanitarian reasons
In such a case, we are talking about “white lies.” Everyone can decide for himself what is preferable to him: “bitter truth” or “sweet lie.”
- If a relative is seriously ill, then perhaps in some cases it is worth hiding the truth from him and showing optimism and confidence in his speedy recovery.
- If a child or an elderly person’s loved one has died, then sometimes the truth is not told right away, so as not to injure or worsen the condition.
- If a little person’s pet has died, then it is better to tell the child that the cat or dog has been taken to the doctor. Then, as events unfold, you can discuss a situation in which the sick animal should live in a clinic under the supervision of veterinarians.
Sometimes people hide some shameful or unreasonable facts from their biography.
Everyone has at least one skeleton in their closet; we are all trying to hide something, especially if this “something” may shock our family. And this is often the right decision. Well, why does a husband need to know that eight years ago his wife had a lover with whom she had a passionate affair? And she didn’t go to a sanatorium, but to relax with this very man? It’s all over a long time ago, time has passed, and it’s simply not reasonable to hurt a person.
If we consider the many reasons for lies, concealment of facts, distortion of the truth and double interpretation of the truth, we can often come to very interesting conclusions. It turns out that lying is not only not bad, but sometimes even useful. We just need to do this wisely, with full assumption of responsibility for this “lie” of ours and with an understanding of the reasons that prompted us to take such a step.
People who tell the truth can hurt
Let's imagine a situation: you've been dreaming about boots for a long time, bought them for decent money, were so happy about the new thing and ask your colleague if she likes it. And the person in response makes a bad face and says that you spent your money in vain, that with your feet you should only wear felt boots and you look terrible in them.
Perhaps objectively this is how it all is. But who benefited from this truth? To you? You have already spent money, you have already realized your dream, but you cannot change your legs in any way - you will have to “wear what has grown.” What would have happened if the colleague had answered somewhat more vaguely: “It’s great that you were able to buy them, you’ve been dreaming about this for a long time. Not at all my type, but you and I are not alike, but you wear it to your health.” There is a difference? In fact, there is no approval in the words either, but the assessment does not sound offensive or insulting.
Rules for successful white lies
How to make white lies believed?
- The main principle is not to overdo it with lies.
Give out information in portions so that the lie is truthful. It will be difficult to believe that you have seen flying elephants. - The lie should be thought out in advance
, then it will look more natural than when you stutter and your eyes frantically run around. - Watch the person you want to deceive.
There are different people: some are ready to believe in almost everything, even what defies logic, while others question everything. Study the person and find your own approach to him. - Be mindful of the little things you mention.
A lie can be discovered because of a little thing you missed. If you tell your husband that you went to the movies with your friend on Friday, then a week later don’t forget which movie you went to. It will be very suspicious if after some time you invite your loved one to go to the same film, forgetting that you have already seen it. - Sincerely believe in what you say.
It often happens that you need to tell a lie where you did not intend. Don't stress when you lie. This immediately raises some suspicions. Relax and tell what you were going to say, now is not the time to feel guilty for your lies, because almost everyone does this.
Difference #1: Women try to save relationships; the men turn around and leave
Women: “Perhaps we can overcome this.” Men: “Don’t even think about coming back.”
If the injured partner is a woman, she is likely to try to save the relationship, in part because she has been culturally taught to please others and not pay attention to her own needs.
A man tends to tear away his losses and look for a replacement - someone who will give him the love and attention that he believes he deserves. Women tend to suppress themselves or hide from their feelings when they are emotionally abused. Under pressure to “maintain at least the appearance of harmony in the family,” they often drown out the true self and the inner voice that screams: “I need something more.”
Society conveys to us that a woman’s task—and the measure of her self-esteem—is to maintain connections with others. One excellent study asked eight-year-old girls how they felt when boys bullied them. The girls were aware of their anger and expressed it openly; but already at the age of about twelve years old the same girls answered the same question: “I don’t know.” This study clearly shows that many women, as they get older, stop trusting their feelings when they are treated badly. If you, as a woman, can't admit the extent to which your partner's infidelity has hurt you, if you stop speaking directly and confidently about your negative feelings in order to stay together, if you're afraid of blowing the whistle, then you've been done well. .
Another reason why women tend to stay in broken relationships is because they believe in the daunting alternative of being alone. After the publication of the famous 1986 study of marriage by Harvard and Yale scientists Bennett, Bloom and Craig, women panicked over the identified shortage of bachelors. Although Susan Faludi pointed out the skewed data in 1991, the study was still a near death knell for spinsters, as women believed that after the age of forty their chances of getting married were close to zero.
Financially, women in divorce suffer more than men, partly because they are more concerned with raising young children and partly because ex-spouses are more likely to pay car bills than alimony. Although the gender wage gap is closing, women are still more likely to earn less in similar positions—77 cents on a man's dollar. For these practical reasons alone, many women seek to save their marriage.
Men are more confident that they will find a replacement, and therefore are less inclined to return a partner who has been on a spree. Because men are less likely to define themselves through successful relationships, they often believe that they have little to lose if they leave their partner. Women tend to suppress themselves and stay, men tend to run away. They deal with their trauma by eliminating the source of pain.
Case from practice
One client shared an incident from the past that he now finds comical. At a certain period of his life, he and his bride had to live in different cities.
One evening he called her as usual. To the question: “Are you at home?” he received a positive answer, as well as to the question: “Are you okay?”
Quite a routine situation. If he had not subsequently learned that on that day his bride was not alone, but in the company of two African-Americans, students of the local university.
Well, the young lady experimented and all that. But the most remarkable thing in this story is that during the showdown, the girl sincerely did not understand the essence of the claims, but she was telling the truth!
"Are you home?" - “I’m home”, “Everything is fine” - “Everything is just wonderful!”
The relationship ended, but my client was left in slight bewilderment. Indeed, he was not directly lied to, but in the end he was deceived.
GuruTest
Society has an ambiguous attitude towards lies: some are sure that you cannot do without it if you want to achieve something, while others, on the contrary, believe that you need to tell only the truth. In fact, there is no definite answer to this question, but in most cases it is better not to lie, because your listener can easily recognize that he is being deceived and draw unpleasant conclusions. However, in some situations, lying is the only salvation.
When asked about your appearance
Imagine a situation when your best friend comes up to you and asks you to evaluate a new blouse, scarf, hairstyle or appearance in general. In this situation, a person, as a rule, does not care at all what you really think: they want to hear compliments in their direction, and not criticism and a harsh “sentence”. Put yourself in the shoes of such a person: you feel like a plus, you expect that your style is about to be praised, but in response to your question they bring you back to earth with the phrase that this color makes you look fat, and your hairstyle is completely not to your face. Nice? Most likely no.
Therefore, no matter how you evaluate the appearance of the questioner, lie. Moreover, perhaps only you don’t like your friend’s new style, and the first person you meet will be truly delighted. Say that you like everything, give a couple of compliments and don’t return to this topic again. Everyone will be happy, but otherwise you risk greatly offending your interlocutor. If you understand that he or she really dressed up absolutely horribly, suggest “making a couple of adjustments to make the image even more stunning” - this compromise between guile and honesty will help preserve the relationship.
Talking about other people's children
Not everyone loves children, and even more so, not everyone can recognize someone else’s baby as the most beautiful in the world. However, many new parents simply forget about this, being too absorbed in new feelings and emotions. Therefore, if someone you know recently became a parent and is now asking everyone if they have ever seen a more beautiful child, there is no need to spoil their mood, even if you are indifferent to babies. As a rule, it is enough to say a simple “Your son (or daughter) is very nice,” and they will leave you alone.
In fact, your opinion is not that important to them, and your friends will love their baby in any case, regardless of what you say. It’s just that every person who experiences strong feelings subconsciously wants confirmation that it is not in vain. And although no words will change the parents’ opinion about their child, with your “non-recognition” you can greatly upset them and spoil your relationship with them.
Opinion about someone else's work
If one of your relatives, friends or acquaintances suddenly decides to take up drawing, sculpting, wood carving, etc., get ready for the fact that you will have to pretend a lot that you like everything. At first, any craft will look imperfect, especially if it is self-taught, but the person has invested a lot of time and effort into it. In order for him to be motivated to continue, he needs to hear approval. And if you have the honor of being the first to see a craft, under no circumstances start expressing your opinion with criticism: you will certainly ruin the mood of the “creator” and discourage him from ever trying to work again. Say that for the first time everything was just excellent, and next time it will certainly be even better, and only then point out the shortcomings that you notice. Understand that the person is still learning, and do not demand too much from him. Well, if you really like everything, even better, don’t skimp on compliments.
Talking about exes
Talking about exes with a new man is, to say the least, a bad idea. No matter what good goals you pursue, such as learning from past mistakes, people tend to be jealous of each other's past. So your man may decide that since you remember your ex, it means you still feel something for him. Therefore, of course, it is better not to start conversations about those with whom you once dated.
It's another matter if your man himself decided to ask you about your past relationships. In this situation, if you try to get out of it and try to change the subject, your loved one may decide that you have something to hide, and this “something” means a lot. So you will have to answer all the questions of your chosen one, but it is not at all necessary that your answers be truthful. For example, if your loved one asks you if you were as happy with someone as you were with him, the correct answer will always be “no,” even if you weren’t. Suppose there was simply a wonderful person in your life with no flaws, and you decide to tell your current chosen one about him with all the details. Who will benefit from this? It is unlikely that your loved one will immediately change and start working on his mistakes in order to please you. It is more likely that you will offend and upset him.
In many situations it is better to never lie. However, people don’t always need your truth: most often they want to stroke their pride, hear compliments addressed to them, but not receive criticism or comparison with someone more perfect. If you understand that you are in such a situation, it is better to lie and make the person happy.
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09.08.2018 02:17
