Method of resolving conflict situations: “I-statements”

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Excellent communication, calm and thoughtful, brings benefit and satisfaction. But positive emotions are not always present. Resentment, pain, anger and irritation lead to a decline in mood.

When anger accumulates, negativity is released. In psychology, there is a technique that helps to relax the created tension and avoid destructive quarrels in the family and in the team.

The concept of the “I statement” technique

The narrator, smoothing out negative emotions, uses the required statements in the first person, thereby excluding direct accusatory speech directed at the listener. By paying attention to the positive aspects of the interlocutor, the line between stumbling and misunderstanding is erased. In order to approach the problem more softly and delicately, a person speaks directly about his feelings, condition, thoughts and deeds, without blaming others. This results in an open dialogue about desires and possibilities.

The reception is appropriate among relatives and friends. By expressing your painful worries and bewilderments, you stop being alone with sad thoughts, which are sometimes completely unfounded. As a result of a frank conversation, ways to resolve tension are identified and the necessary words and phrases are found. Such statements act as a preventive method. It is much easier to prevent a conflict than to figure out who is more to blame for the event.

Exercises to help you learn to use I statements

• Track and write down how you feel in typical conflict situations with your child.
• Track and write down what typical phrases or formulations you use in communicating with your child and in resolving conflicts with him. If there are you statements among them, then rewrite them in the form of I statements.
• Track and write down the reasons for the feelings you have during conflicts.
• Make a list of possible sanctions that, in your opinion, should be applied in case of violations of agreements and rules of conduct.
• Using this information, write 1-3 I-statements for each conflict situation that you often have with your child, so that you do not have to formulate them from scratch at the time of conflict.

Cautions for use

I statements are a harmless technique. But this is only at first glance. A thoughtless and rude approach will increase the intensity and lead to a final break in the relationship; soft requests in the form of a message will veil personal words and transfer the effect to the partner. The center of attention is justified only when a person is a sufficiently strong personality. Otherwise, statements will be perceived as hostile.

You can become a stronger person by clearing your mind of: negative emotions, psychological complexes, limiting beliefs, harmful attitudes and other mental garbage. The Turbo-Suslik system does this quite quickly and efficiently.

Women are more emotional and susceptible to experiences. For them, expression through feelings is logical and familiar. Men are used to action. The communication scheme in the form of requests and instructions is acceptable and understandable to them. But demands can perfectly intertwine with each other and, without dividing them by gender, stand for a reasonable and responsible basis. The main thing is to accept with all your heart what is said out loud.

Make it a rule to communicate your wishes to your partner, maintaining an atmosphere of trust and camaraderie. Statements that undermine the self-esteem of the interlocutor lead to resentment and disappointment. To give the conversation a living form, talk about yourself and for yourself, then taking responsibility for the speech spoken, you direct emotions directly to your personality, which is able to understand what is happening in the soul. No one can know more than you yourself.

Benefits of Using the I-Statement Technique

Anyone who has mastered the technique of “I-statements” receives the following opportunities:

• Directly state your own interests in both business and personal relationships.
• Reduce your level of emotional stress.
• It is natural to behave more confidently and set the desired character of communication.
• Resist pressure and manipulation. Maintain self-esteem.
• Put your partner in a situation of responsible choice.
• Resolve contradictions and conflicts constructively.

Construction scheme

1. It is necessary to describe the situation that caused the tension: “When I see that you...”; “When this happened, then...”; “When I was faced with the fact that...”
2. Choose precise words to convey the feeling you are experiencing: “I feel (pain, anger, disappointment, etc.)”; “I don’t know how to perceive...”; “I’m having difficulties...”
3. Reasons and specifics: “Because...”; "Due to the fact that…".

By understanding the correct construction of a statement, you will make your task easier and will be able to quickly provide an explanation to your interlocutor.

Step-by-step technology:

• 1 step. Specific facts. Report the events that happened without embellishing them with detailed sketches.

  
  You can say, “I cried when you said about the poorly baked pie.”

• Step 2. Experienced feelings and bodily sensations based on the stated fact - “I was disappointed in trying to surprise you, my eyebrows furrowed, a tear rolled down.”
• Step 3. Justification for the thoughts, ideas and fantasies that have come - “I think that you do not perceive my culinary abilities because you were brought up in the family of a famous chef.”
• Step 4 Proposals and dreams - “I want us to make a dessert together on our day off.”
• Step 5 Expressed intentions - “I will listen to your advice in order to subsequently gain experience and apply the acquired knowledge in practice.”

The sequence of steps occurs in the described mode. Don't experiment or change places. You can skip the last point if a truce has been reached, but you should not violate the logic.

“I-statement” technology (5 steps)

• 1 step.
  Data. Only facts that happened in reality are mentioned, i.e. what actually happened. For example: “When you told me I looked bad, I cried.”
• Step 2.
  Feelings. Expressing feelings regarding this fact. “I feel...” For example: “At the same time, I felt offended. I'm offended". Bodily sensations. (You can talk about them too - look at the situation) Expression of bodily sensations related to these feelings. “I feel...” For example: “My nose tingled and I wanted to cry.”
• Step 3.
  Thoughts. Here thoughts, assumptions, hypotheses, fantasies, interpretations, ideas are expressed. “I think”, “I guess”, “It seems to me”, etc. For example: “I think that you don’t love me and that you don’t care about me.” If at this step you notice that your feelings are overwhelming, then return to step 2.
• Step 4
  Desires. Any desires, perhaps dreams, are expressed here. That is, what you would like to ask this person. For example: “And I want to ask you to pay more attention to me and tell me when I look good.” This step helps in resolving conflicts and establishing relationships. Here it is also possible to return to step 2, that is, to the feelings that you experience.
• Step 5
  Intentions. Expressing what you are going to do and how, in connection with the fact that happened. “I’m going to”, “I will”, “I won’t”. For example: “And I will try not to constantly tell you that you don’t love me.” The 5th step is not always applied, but depending on the situation. Sometimes only 4 steps are enough. However, you should not skip or swap any of the 4 steps.

PS

This is a very good technique that helps to cope with feelings, prevents them from being pushed inside and teaches you to express feelings in words. Practice it alone if it is currently difficult for you to do this with a partner, and then apply it directly in conflict situations.

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Examples of behavior

The technique is clear when readers are presented with visuals in the form of composed phrases and statements and counterexamples that highlight the incorrectness of the judgment. The development of side effects and the course of the process itself depend on this.

• Incorrect: “You don’t love me.” True: “The expression of your feelings is important to me.”
• Incorrect: “Why do you keep interrupting my story?” True: “I have difficulty concentrating. Listen to the end and ask the question you want.”
• Incorrect: “Why are you being rude?” True: “Incorrect treatment leads to personal humiliation. Respect me, I will try to be patient.”

• 
  Incorrect: “Your behavior is terrible.” True: “Your behavior upset me. You can be different.”

• Incorrect: “You are using my things without permission.” True: “I feel uncomfortable when things are located in other places. Ask permission and I will be happy to tell you how to use them and where they are.”
• Incorrect: “You live by your work.” True: “I feel lonely in the evenings without you.”
• Incorrect: “You are not listening to me.” True: “Your opinion is important to me, listen to me.”

These are not all examples that happen in life. Statements require an individual approach to the situation. In a business situation, an outburst of feelings is inappropriate, and requests and planned actions are more effective. In the process of strong anger, selected statements can increase the strength of discord.

The presented technique helps to express accumulated feelings in words, rethink them, and find a way out of the situation. If you find it difficult and uncomfortable because of implausibility, practice the lessons learned when troubles arise and a small quarrel begins. Then, by thinking over phrases, you will amaze those around you with the wisdom of your thoughts, the morality of your statements and the logic of your actions. You will be a bright, peaceful, loving, understanding and lively person.

Your reaction:

“I feel...” (describing your feelings)

1. Preferred outcome: “I would like...” (Description of the desired option)
2. Reason: “Because...” (Explaining the reasons why you suggested this option)

“I don’t like that you leave a mess on the table because it annoys me. Please clean up after yourself.

Useful saying: “It is important to me that the house is clean. It upsets me when you leave your textbooks on the table and your things scattered.

Please clean up after yourself."

Assignment: come up with a few examples yourself of how you-message can be translated into I-statement.

Exercise 1

Task 2

Exercise “MODAL VERBS”

Assignment: come up with examples of modal verbs. Convert obligatory and direct verbs into modal verbs.

Why is this sometimes necessary? (you can speculate)

This is necessary because often appeals directed directly at a child, especially a teenager, cause a desire to defend themselves and push away. Push away. For example, speaking directly to a teenager: “you must - a bickering reaction is possible - I DO NOT OWE ANYTHING,” while modal verbs help to avoid sharp corners at the first stage of communication. And then the information is perceived calmer and easier. Not “You must,” but “What you need to do.”

Moreover, it should be noted that this helps both in educational activities and in personal conversation.

From a personal conversation, you can give an example when parents don’t like some friends: not “You’re fascinated by this boy. You like him” - and “What is charming about his behavior? What do you like?” (it seems like it’s not for you specifically, but rather streamlined around everything. And you, they say, are no exception. It happens.)

Examples: