"I do not know what I want" - a fairly common problem among people who seek help from psychologists.
This is not surprising: a lack of understanding of one’s own desires and needs is a direct path to wrong actions in life.
Consequently, to failure, disappointment and depression. In this article we will analyze the psychological portrait of a person who does not know what he wants. And, also, we will answer the question why this happened. And how to help yourself and your loved ones understand their true desires.
A man who doesn’t know what he wants – a psychological portrait
I observe quite often people who do not know what they want from life, from relationships. And they can’t even say what they want right here and now.
And I can state with confidence that these are pleasant, good-looking people. They are well-mannered, modest, and strive to do everything right. They are responsible. And, overly conforming.
Conformity is a quality that shows that a person follows the opinion of the crowd. Or, he does what the particular stratum of society to which you belong at the moment tells. In addition, such people are characterized by confusion .
Well, of course, they simply answer “I don’t know” .
A person who doesn’t know what he wants is precisely why he comes to a psychologist for help, because by a certain age this feature begins to cause dissatisfaction and problems in life. —
Such as:
Job dissatisfaction is the most common complaint
The person ended up in this job either completely by accident, or he was hired there. He goes there, and, by his own admission, “endures with all his might.” “Struggles with sleep. Hard labor." What kind of professional growth and feats of achievement can we talk about? There won't be any. A man is serving a prison sentence. Of course this makes him unhappy.
Men and women who don't know what they want from a relationship
Another category of losses. If a girl doesn't know what she wants from a relationship, how does she behave? That's right, he is guided by the opinion of his mother, friends, neighbors... “If you have to get married, then you have to get married. Oh, I’m not married - woe, woe... They told me to marry just such a man - okay, I’ll listen. Since my mother says that he is the best for me, my mother knows better, she has lived her life, she has experience”... And what is the result? Again dissatisfaction and confusion.
Some men also don’t know what they want from a relationship. It may seem to him that he needs a girl - at any cost. But as soon as he has her, they begin to live together. What often happens is this: “But I’m not ready. I haven't had enough time. I'm not ready for this level of responsibility. I can’t devote all my free time to my family. I want to grow and develop. Relationships interfere with me and so on.”
Why is a clear goal necessary?
How can you understand what you want if there is no main goal? There are often cases when a person does something he doesn’t like, it seems to him that he is doing a great job, but as a result everything turns out to be in vain and leads to nothing. It is a clearly defined goal that helps you decide and understand what you really want. Only in this case all energy and strength can be directed towards its implementation. In addition, a set goal is an excellent motivation that allows you to move forward even in very difficult situations. Thanks to the goal, it becomes possible to focus attention on what you really want. You can work for a long time on something that has no meaning in your life. Until you have a clear formulation of what you want, nothing will change, and you will continue to be in the unpleasant state of “I want, I don’t know what.”
Having a clearly defined goal makes you responsible. It encourages commitment. Now you don’t just want something, but you must take active steps to achieve your goal and find your place in life.
I don’t know what I want - WHY does this happen in life?
The answer to the question “ why doesn’t a person know what he wants ?” Of course, it lies in childhood.
In particular, in the period from 2 to 3 years, when the child’s right to his own actions is formed. And, in the period of 4-5 years, when entrepreneurship in realizing one’s desires is formed. And, also in adolescence, when values and the answer to the question “who I am” are formed.
These periods are not accidental. According to the internationally accepted typology of development in childhood by E. Erikson, the period from 2 to 3 years is characterized by the fact that the child psychologically begins to separate from his mother and strives to do everything himself. He has a lot of desires, a research itch. And, if his parents allowed him to do this, then already at this age he begins to track and feel what he wants and what he doesn’t . Accordingly, the child emerges from this stage either independent or indecisive. And then the child does not know what he wants.
The stage from 4 to 5 years is characterized by an even greater desire to explore the world. The child wants to know everything, not only within a meter from himself. He wants more. If parents allow the child to explore the world at this stage, he gains a sense of right to initiative. That is, the right to satisfy your desires! But there is also a bad scenario. If a child was severely limited, and he was scolded and punished for his curiosity, he learns to feel guilty. It is the feeling of guilt that further inhibits the understanding of one’s desires! And so, our child doesn’t know what he wants.
During adolescence, a teenager searches for himself. He looks closely at the social groups in which he finds himself. Wanting to be accepted and feel safe, a teenager develops a value system that is characteristic of the society in which he is located. What is characteristic is that if at earlier stages the child did not receive a positive developmental scenario, then in adolescence he finally develops “diffusion of identity.” This is exactly the state - “I don’t know who I am.” “I don’t know what I want to do in life, I don’t understand what I want from life.”
The essence of the problem
So, the problem is that a person feels dissatisfaction with his life, being in complete frustration. It seems that you want to get a specific job, earn money, find a soul mate, but all this is not the same. There is something to want, something to dream about, what goals to achieve. But despite all this, the feeling of some kind of understatement does not leave a person.
Don't know what you want? This can apply to any aspect of your life - work, place of residence, and personal life. People are often confused in their feelings and desires, thinking that they are in a so-called moral impasse. In fact, the problem called “I don’t know what I want” is based on an erroneous vision of the situation. Only a better understanding of your own feelings can help you find a way out of it.
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A person does not know what he wants at 30, 35 or 40+ years old
This state of “identity diffusion” can continue for the rest of one’s life if the person does not start working on it. Both at 30 and at 35, a man or woman still does not understand what he wants.
A midlife crisis - approximately 40 years (give or take five years) usually highlights this problem in its entirety. Because it is at this moment that a person realizes that half of his life has been lived and “I still haven’t decided on my purpose, my mission and my happiness.”
Reason one. Perfectionism
Of course. Where would we be without him? I didn’t even doubt that he would emerge.
The well-known phenomenon of “perfectionist paralysis”: when the desire to do everything perfectly turns into doing nothing.
Noticing yourself is inhibiting the desire to do everything perfectly. But very often - for the result, it is better to do it quickly and with errors than to do it perfectly and never!
You can tell yourself as much as you want that you want the perfect result. But perfectionism is never about the result. It's about fears and an unsatisfied ego. It's about the inner Critic who is never satisfied. There simply is no such thing as an ideal result in an imperfect world!
the important thing is so big that the fear of starting, even unfounded, gets in the way.
Then the same question comes to the rescue: “How will you understand that you have achieved THAT SAME result? What are the criteria for the result that is needed and needed in this situation?” That's when the specifics begin.
A person himself does not know what he wants - HOW TO HELP him decide?
What is typical is that next to such an ignorant person, you can also suffer. It is very difficult to see a loved one suffering, unsure, indecisive. He can take on a thousand tasks and not complete a single one. At the same time, citing the fact that in the process he “became uninterested and he realized that it was not mine . If this is your loved one, for example:
- husband doesn't know what he wants
- the guy doesn't know what he wants
- woman doesn't know what she wants
- the man doesn't know what he wants
- son doesn't know what he wants
- if your loved one doesn't know what he wants
- the girl doesn't know what she wants
- the child does not know what he wants
The best thing we can do for them is to help them get rid of the feeling that they have no right to their desires. To do this, they must know and feel that we will accept what they want.
I sometimes observe in practice how one of the spouses nods at the other “he himself doesn’t know what he wants.” BUT, at the same time, if he tries to talk about his desires and needs, then the first will certainly begin to criticize and devalue the desires of his partner.
One, two, three like that. .. And now the husband (wife) has withdrawn and kept silent about his feelings and desires. Because he is afraid of not being approved . Why is he afraid that his desires will not be approved? Why doesn’t he defend them, although he could slam his fist on the table and bark that “I want it this way, hear me”! He is afraid because, again, in childhood, people were not approved of expressing themselves and their feelings, and some were even punished. And, being little, he simply learned to be afraid.
What to do to start wanting something
First. If you don’t have the strength to wish for something, then you need to do:
- Shake the body physiologically. A good way to shake things up is through dancing. Go to the dance hall. This should help: your body will extract endorphins from its depths.
- Rest - if you are very tired. Stop the race - if you are driven. Hide from people, seclude yourself. Alone with yourself, do the unfinished work, put your affairs and things in order. You look and it becomes clear what to do next.
- Learn to firmly defend your right to sleep and rest in the family - if you are a young mother and are tormented by everyday life, a child and a mother-in-law. You can't please everyone.
Second. Do something you've never done before. For example, if you are a historian, then take a course in cooking or radio electronics. Take a brewing course, a creative writing course, a dog training course - if you are an engineer. This will give you newness, a departure from the usual and a look at your old business from afar.
Third. Get at least some job - if you don’t work at all, are drowning in the swamp of everyday life, or are bored. Even if you are the wife of a millionaire. Don't look at how prestigious this is. It’s just very good, which is not prestigious. You will get to know life from the other side. Do something unusual. This is the main thing - to do the unusual.
Fourth. Start learning something completely new. There, in a new place, there will be people you have never seen before. There will also be a small shift in your ideas about things and people.
Fears and identification of true needs: is there a connection between them?
Experts say that one of the main reasons for not understanding one’s needs is various fears. There are a lot of them, but the most common types are the following:
✘ Fear of future events. It makes a person constantly worry and think about bad things. If you are systematically afraid of the future, you try to avoid change and dream only of living in a utopian world where nothing bad can happen a priori;
✘ Fear of failure and failure. It prevents you from living to the fullest and truly enjoying life. You live half-heartedly, don’t set any goals for yourself, because you think that you still won’t be able to achieve success and get what you want;
✘ Fear of making a mistake. It does not allow you to understand what exactly you want from life, because you are afraid to take responsibility for your own actions. You just go with the flow, watching with envy as other people achieve success and are not going to stop there. You think that you have already missed all the opportunities to make your life better, so you are not going to set goals and make dreams come true, because you don’t see any point in it;
✘ Fear of starting a new life. Many people are familiar firsthand with the phenomenon of deferred life. They promise themselves that they will begin to live a full life when they finish their studies, find a soul mate, buy their own home, move for permanent residence to another country, etc. But as soon as the desired event occurs, the person will definitely find a reason to postpone the deadline once again;
✘ Fear of being an imperfect person. Perfectionists demand a lot from life and from themselves, because for them everything is always either perfect or not at all. Therefore, they often experience a feeling of dissatisfaction with themselves and their lives. Eternal demands and claims to one’s own person kill joy, prevent one from living a full life and making plans for the future. Because of this, a perfectionist cannot determine his true needs and understand in which direction he needs to move in order to turn into a confident and happy person.
Life guidelines, or Why we act in one way or another
Parental attitudes play a huge role here. Observing the behavior of our parents, we unconsciously copied their models into our own lives. And not those that they tried to teach us in any way, but those shown by their own example. This could be a father who worked around the clock, or a mother who does not have a job, but is constantly involved in housework and raising children. Honor, loyalty, openness, honesty - all these concepts, to one degree or another, were embedded in us in childhood. Life attitudes are associated with parents’ understanding of what is right and what is wrong. They determine the priority. In my family, for example, they attached great importance to education and culture, although I practically didn’t study at school - I didn’t like it. For many families, higher education, science and art are of great value.
How to find out what I want from life: several effective exercises
Life is an eternal movement. While a person waits for the right moment to start thinking about what exactly he wants from his life, his life passes without joy and pleasure.
How to find out your true needs? There are several effective exercises.
Exercise No. 1. Drawing a map of your own life
To draw a life map, you need to take a large sheet of paper and divide it into three equal parts:
✎ on the left side of the sheet you need to depict the life you are living now. You can draw, use pictures, photographs, describe life in words, etc.;
✎ on the right side of the sheet, depict your life as you dream of seeing it in a few years. Use paints, pencils, felt-tip pens, pictures from newspapers, magazines, the Internet, photographs, multi-colored pens, etc.;
✎ in the center of the sheet, draw a problem that prevents you from living the ideal life you drew on the right side of the sheet.
When the map of your life is ready, look at it carefully, analyze and try to understand why the problem depicted in the central part of the sheet exists in your life. Then lay out the optimal path for you from the left side of the sheet to the right side so that it necessarily passes through the central part of the life map. “Decorate” the paved path with those pictures, photographs, words, drawings that will help you make it easier and more enjoyable.
Exercise No. 2. Pay attention to your body every day
Experts say that working with the body will help a person better understand himself, his essence and his true needs. The faster you understand your desires, the faster you can understand what you want from life.
Start doing yoga, join a gym, take daily walks, meditate. Remember to pay attention to the signals your body is giving you throughout the day. It, unlike emotions, will never lie to you. Carefully analyze all your bodily sensations.
If the body experiences discomfort, try to eliminate the cause of this discomfort as quickly as possible. Cold feet? Wear warm socks! Does your back hurt? Put everything aside and lie down for 10 minutes. Can't keep warm? Drink warm tea and wrap yourself in a blanket! Monitor your well-being every day, do not be lazy to take care of yourself and your body.
Exercise No. 3. Ask yourself important questions
A person only feels happy and fulfilled as a person when he understands and realizes that his actions have meaning. To determine how fulfilling your life is today, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I know my strengths?
- Am I using my strengths to achieve the results I want?
- Do I know why I exist?
- Does my life have meaning?
- Am I dependent on other people?
- What makes my life conscious and meaningful?
- Am I able to experience pleasure in life?
- Does my current life give me joy and pleasure?
- What do I need to change to make my life richer and better quality?
Try to answer these questions as honestly as possible. Don’t lie to yourself, because lying will only make the situation worse and make you an even more unhappy person who will never know what he wants from life.
Reason nine. No forces
Constant fatigue. No energy. Maybe you are sick. Maybe you are depressed. Maybe some activity is forced to take all your strength. But the result is the same - there is not enough strength.
In any case, we need to get out of this. Take medications prescribed by your doctor. Do yoga or meditation to restore energy exchange and become stronger. Remove everything unnecessary from your life. Or just wait until the end of this period. But definitely get out.
