Sometimes we are haunted by a real fear of losing people close to our hearts. It is not necessary that something tragic or out of the ordinary actually happens to them. We are quite capable of replaying many things in our heads and constantly being charged with negative energy. Being in this obsessive state, a person cannot live fully. He is overwhelmed with anxiety, driven by panic and a feeling of hopelessness. Let's try to figure out this difficult issue together.
Search for reasons
First, let's try to figure out what could provoke increased anxiety for loved ones. Of course, each person will have their own underlying reasons, which can be identified in individual work with a psychologist. But here are the two most common reasons:
- early loss of one of the parents or a painful separation that was not fully experienced. Then the fear of repetition of the traumatic event remains in the unconscious;
- lack of inner support, deep connection with oneself and personal meaning in life outside of family and relationships with others.
Accept your feelings
In our culture, it is not customary to teach condolences.
Therefore, immediately after tragic events, you will hear many times from others that you need to hold on. But it’s normal to be sad, worry and suffer in this situation. Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
We are all different. That is why even in materials about the reaction of schoolchildren to grief they write that some children will ask for care, others will get angry, others will eat, others will cry, and others will fall into a stupor. The psyche copes (and fails) with the load in different ways.
Fear of losing yourself
If the reason lies in an unprocessed loss, then this topic should definitely be discussed with a specialist. The way to solve the problem in this case is different for everyone.
But what happens if the cause of fear lies in the second option? In this case, the sense of one’s own “I” is built through relationships with loved ones. Who am I if not a mother, not a daughter, not a wife, not a sister - what is my life?
And then the fear of losing someone from your family is more than the fear of losing a loved one. It's largely the fear of losing yourself.
With such a value on relationships, we tend to overly focus on others, trying to make them feel good. And we often forget about ourselves. As a result, this leads to a weakening of the connection with ourselves. We forget about our desires, we are not in search of our own meanings: “I feel good when they feel good.”
What else can support and intensify these worries about loved ones? This is an unconscious feeling that our anxiety makes some contribution to the situation: when I worry, I at least do something. This is a kind of protection against the inability to control the future.
I’m scared to live: I’m afraid of death and illness of loved ones
Yes, sure
Well let's try.
To overcome this trauma you need to go through several stages:
1. Shock and denial. The first stage of coping with loss occurs immediately after a person learns about grief. The first reaction to the news can be very diverse: screaming, motor excitement, or, conversely, numbness. Then comes a state of psychological shock, which is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself. A person does everything mechanically, like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, all feelings inexplicably disappear, the person may have a frozen facial expression, expressionless and slightly delayed speech. Such “indifference” may seem strange to the bereaved person himself, and often offends the people around him and is perceived as selfishness, but in fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides deep shock at the loss and protects the person from unbearable mental pain.
Denial can also be expressed in a simple matter of asking again. A person can again and again, as if he did not hear or did not understand, clarify the words and formulations in which he received the bitter news. In fact, at the moment he is not hard of hearing, but does not want to believe that something has already happened. And sometimes, the experience is potentially so strong that a person physically cannot “let it go” and can simply forget about the grief until he is ready to experience it. No matter how detailed it is explained to him, he distorts his perception with denial. A person understands that a separation has occurred or he has suffered a loss - a loved one has died, but inside he refuses to accept this fact. Such internal discrepancy is not uncommon, and can be considered a variant of denial. The options for its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in a crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or that he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, relatives, out of habit, proceed from the fact that the deceased person is nearby, for example, they put an extra cutlery on the table for him. Or his room and belongings are kept intact, as if he might be about to return. All this produces a painful impression, but is a normal reaction to the pain of loss and, as a rule, passes over time as the person experiencing the loss realizes its reality and finds the mental strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then the next stage of experiencing grief begins.
2. The second stage is anger and resentment, some authors call it aggression. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. A grieving person replays over and over again the events that preceded the separation or death of a loved one. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions from the cycle: “Why? "Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us? ", "Why did this happen to me? "Why did God let him/her die? ", "Why couldn't the doctors save him? »
There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, a grieving person does not expect an answer as such; this is also a unique form of expressing pain. This is an attempt to shield yourself from pain, a search for reasons in others, a search for those to blame.
Simultaneously with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise towards those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. Or the address of the departed partner and his loved ones. In this case, the accusation can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one), at a mistress, children, relatives. Such a “trial” is more emotional than rational, and therefore sometimes leads to unfounded and unfair reproaches against people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help. This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, embitterment, resentment, envy or the desire for revenge - is quite natural, but it can complicate the communication of the grieving person with family and friends and even with officials or authorities. Moreover, such a number of unfounded reproaches may be made against loved ones during this period that will forever destroy their relationship. It is important that the one who has suffered a loss and his loved ones understand that this is such protection. It is easier to reproach, blame, be offended and look for the guilty than to face reality, helplessness and your pain. But the reaction of anger can also be directed at the departed: for leaving and causing suffering, for not preventing death, for not listening, for leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones.
3. Stage - this is the stage of guilt and obsessions.
This is a search for options on how everything could have been different if... A lot of options are scrolling through my head on how everything could have turned out differently... A person can convince himself that if he could turn back time, he would definitely behave differently, loses in the imagination, how everything would have been then... “If only I had known...”, “If only he...”, “If only...”, “If only we had gone to the hospital in time...”, “If only it was possible to turn everything back... " It would seem that there is no common sense in these arguments; is it possible to predict a separation when it happens suddenly? Is it even possible to foresee sudden death? However, the human psyche is structured in such a way that there is a need for the illusion that it is possible to control everything in life. Is it so? Unlikely. Many examples from practice confirm that control over life is a myth.
Partings, illnesses, death are clear confirmation of this. In addition, the search for one’s own guilt in what happened is often not true and may be inappropriate to the strength of the situation. Control over loss is an illusion. Many people blame themselves for not being attentive enough to a person during their lifetime, for being wrong, for not talking about their love for him, for not asking for forgiveness for something. Others believe they were better off dead. Still others experience a feeling of guilt due to a feeling of relief due to the death of a person. If guilt begins to be of an inadequate nature, grips a person, and prevents him from continuing to live normally, then it is worth thinking about the fact that we are talking about an adopted feeling.
Stage 4 is depression. This is the period of maximum mental pain, which can even be felt physically. This is a normal state, as a reaction to loss. However, if this condition drags on for years and the next stage does not occur, then the help of a psychotherapist is required. A depressive state may be accompanied by crying, especially when remembering the deceased, the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Or it can be experienced deep inside, when a person still lives with memories, realizing that the former cannot be returned. It seems that life has lost its meaning, there is no strength, no purpose, no meaning. After a loss, a person can cling to suffering as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased, to prove his love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, and to forget = to betray. As a result, a person continues to suffer in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him.
Stage 5 is acceptance of loss. This stage comes as the completion of the previous ones and is characterized by emotional acceptance of the loss. Grief recedes, a person returns to normal life, plans are made, goals appear. A characteristic feature of this stage: remembering the loss, a person does not lose strength and balance; on the contrary, he draws strength from it.
How does acceptance of loss actually occur and is it always possible to go through all the stages and end with acceptance? Of course, the duration of the stages is individual for each person. And the stage of depression does not always turn into acceptance.
What is acceptance of loss? Acceptance is when I look at the loss of a loved one calmly, without pain. Otherwise, the “parting” is not completed. This is precisely the task of parting - accepting the loss. A sign of a completed separation is an internal change, when something changes in a person and a new, different stage in his life begins.
Tell me, Nikolina, at what stage are you now?
Describe your feelings and emotions: what is happening to you, how you feel, using the words from the text above, so that I can understand where you are and where we should go next in our work
The Negative Work of Fear
It is clear that this is an illusion. Our experiences do not help our loved ones in any way, do not give us control over the future, but they significantly worsen our lives.
- Fear consumes our mental energy, exhausts us, and it is difficult for us to engage in our own life and enjoy it.
- Fear narrows our consciousness, we stop noticing the good things in our life and the opportunities that could improve it.
- We waste time on these experiences, which no one will make up for us.
Treatment methods
The fear of losing a loved one can and should be treated, and this should be started as early as possible. The best solution is an integrated approach consisting of several stages.
Psychotherapy
Using exposure therapy, a psychologist will teach the patient to switch from a “fixated” phobia to pleasant and more important moments in life.
We recommend that you read: What is the fear of snakes called - causes and treatment of phobia
When diagnosing a phobia, the psychotherapist will use existential psychotherapy, showing the patient the basic values of life. Hypnotic procedures will help you get rid of phobias from childhood.
After diagnosing a phobia, if the situation requires it, psychiatrists will prescribe the necessary course of antidepressants, sedatives or tranquilizers.
Independent struggle
Having noticed the above symptoms in yourself in time, you can help yourself in the early stages to stop thinking about the death of a loved one:
- Don’t isolate yourself – communicate more with your loved ones, ask them for advice. A confidential conversation will calm you down and eliminate dark thoughts.
- Use meditation, relaxation, aromatherapy to relieve tension and stress. In combination with thematic auto-trainings, they will give a lasting positive effect.
- For stable insomnia, use herbal sedatives - valerian, motherwort, peony. Read light fiction and beautiful poetry before bed.
- It's time for believers to remember God and start regularly attending church, confessing and taking communion. Father, having listened to the problem, will give the right advice and instructions, and teach you to be calmer about the inevitability of death.
- Don’t think about the future, but live in the present, work more, so that there is simply no time left for “dark” thoughts.
Experts recommend learning to cope with an impending panic attack of a phobia - convincing yourself that nothing bad will happen. It is better to minimize TV viewing completely, excluding negative news, and choosing to watch comedies and humorous programs. And if the phobia begins to “cover”, it is recommended to stop it with the help of breathing techniques. To do this, take a deep breath, hold your breath for 4-5 seconds, then exhale for a long time for 4-5 seconds. Repeat 5-7 times.
How to help yourself?
Such fears are quite deep and individual, so it is difficult to give general recommendations here. However, if you are susceptible to this kind of debilitating anxiety, you can try the following:
- Realize that these worries are not only meaningless, but also bring harm to our lives: “If this does not help me or my loved ones in any way, then why do I need it?”
- Catch yourself in these fears and return to the present moment, because fear refers to the future, what has not yet happened and is unknown when it will happen.
- Returning to the present, try to fully enjoy what is happening, notice all the good things, spend more time with your loved ones - now they are still with you.
- Take care of yourself, understand your needs and desires. Do not focus only on others, but ask yourself: “What do I want and how can I do well for myself?” Strengthen your connection with yourself.
- Explore your life outside of your relationships with family and friends: your professional life (does it bring you enough satisfaction and meaning?), your hobbies (do you have a hobby that gives you positive emotions?), your small joys (those that only for you). And invest more of your attention and energy in these areas. ⠀
And then, perhaps, your anxiety will ease, and you will have more space for yourself and for life in all its fullness and depth.
Treatment methods
You can cope with the manifestations of feelings of fear and anxiety on your own.
First, you need to analyze the situations that could be the true cause of the excitement. Next, trying to turn off emotions, you should soberly consider the reality of their threat. This helps you separate from the scary object. Switching to physical or mental work promotes distraction and dissipates the concentration of the source of excitement.
You can “play” your health condition. Sometimes a demonstration of confidence and calm is perceived by the subconscious as a signal to calm down, helping to stabilize the state.
Physical methods of getting rid of anxiety involve exposure to space and environmental factors. It is necessary to remove unnecessary irritants: turn off the Internet and TV, eliminate watching and listening to negative news, programs and music.
It is effective to use the following relaxation methods: breathing control with leveling, slowing down and slowing down breathing movements, contrast showers and self-massage. You should not take medications without finding out the cause of the problem, as this can lead to addiction. Allow yourself to ask others for help - this will reduce the uniqueness of your experience and help you gain peace and confidence.
If you are unable to cope with the problem of anxiety and irrational fears on your own, you should seek medical help. A psychotherapist will help you find out the true causes of the problem, prescribe an examination, and advise which tests to take. When treating anxiety disorders, diabetes mellitus, tumor processes, and osteochondrosis of the cervical spine are excluded, and blood biochemistry, hormonal levels, and ECG are also checked.
Panic attacks and other anxiety disorders can be effectively treated with body-oriented therapy, which effectively relieves tension, removes blocks and promotes awareness and elimination of causes.
Medication to combat anxiety disorders consists of taking anxiolytics, antidepressants and tranquilizers.
Prevention of causeless fears and anxiety includes regular physical activity in the form of sports, exercises, and breathing exercises. A nutritious diet containing essential microelements and vitamins is mandatory.
It is also important to adhere to a work and rest schedule and sleep that corresponds to human biorhythms. And taking care of your information environment is just as important as hygiene for the body, as it can contribute to pollution or, conversely, restoration and improvement of the mental sphere
Irrational fear and anxiety involve deep layers of the psyche. They cause a lot of trouble, but armed with knowledge and looking at them without fear, you can cope with this problem yourself, with the help of loved ones or by seeking help from a specialist.
Drink less alcohol
Sometimes alcohol seems like the answer to all problems. But getting drunk and forgetting is a short-term way to deal with them. Alcohol is a powerful depressant that negatively affects the central nervous system.
People who drink alcohol cope worse with stress and make more destructive decisions. It is also important to remember that sugar (it is found in both sweets and alcohol) increases the experience of stress, so it is better to refrain from consuming it.
Adriana Imzh
psychologist-consultant
