If there are connections between people, then the emotional one is the strongest and most important. This may be obvious to you. However, many people may only appear to be interacting emotionally.
Emotional attraction is essential when it comes to a successful relationship.
Men take longer to build deep emotional connections. They need appreciation and perspective.
Physical attraction in a relationship is definitely important. But not in the same way as the emotional one. Let's look at the signs that there is an emotional connection.
• Affection of a patron or trustee
It can otherwise be called “parental” care. It is often observed in relationships between spouses belonging to the psychotypes “woman-mother” and “man-son” or “woman-daughter” and “man-father”, respectively. The essence of this type of attachment is as follows: one partner sincerely cares and takes care of the other half. If there is some degree of control here, it is only from the point of view of concern for the ward. At the root of such relationships is, as a rule, the satisfaction of one’s own pride and parental instinct. Patron-mentee relationships are quite harmonious if they are established between people with opposite psychotypes, as described above. In the absence of such an ideal combination, the trustee imposes guardianship on the other half, which is unlikely to be perceived positively by the second partner. Here, too, a gap is inevitable.
Towards reality
Another hassle with your boss has left you exhausted, an unscheduled meeting has disrupted the smooth rhythm of life, and you’re just tired. How you want to come home after a long and exhausting day at work, walk into a cozy apartment that smells of warmth and tranquility, and fall into the arms of your beloved wife. You can directly physically feel the aromas of delicious bread and your favorite dish floating around the apartment and awakening your appetite. My wife calls me to the table. There is a pleasant smile on the face of your beloved, desired woman, her eyes look with tenderness, and you are ready to drown in them.
From these thoughts, fatigue goes away and strength comes in a new wave. By squeezing the gas pedal, you are already racing in a car at a speed of 120 kilometers per hour. Bypassing traffic jams, you rush to your beloved wife. You park your car, go to the supermarket for groceries and head home, inspired by your dreams. The elevator quickly takes you to your cherished goal, you ring the doorbell.
And then the illusion is destroyed, dreams are replaced by reality. The wife opens the door with a cold look. Holding a tablet in his hands, he indifferently greets you with the words: “Hi, why did you come so late? I already had dinner, look, there’s something left in the refrigerator. You can warm it up... I’m talking with Katya.” With a routine peck on your cheek, she immediately goes into another room. You hear her enthusiastic voice. She is constantly telling her friend something. Intonations change one after another: delight turns into surprise, then gives way to laughter, continuing with a continuous flow of emotions...
• Consumer or buyer attachment
As a rule, it is one-sided. If one party plays the role of a consumer, the other plays the role of a product. The second is the same to the first as a thing: necessary, useful in everyday life. True, this type of attachment is short-lived. Sooner or later the subject will get tired of “consuming” the same thing and the buyer will go in search of a new, fresher, original product. It is foolish to expect stable contacts in conditions of such attachment. If you show indignation, indignation at your partner’s consumerist attitude toward you, you can easily lose him; If you put up with everything without complaint, you have the opportunity to quickly get bored of your partner. Mutual consumer attachment can only appear in the case of a beneficial relationship for both partners. This happens, for example, in relationships between lovers based on pure sex without obligations or feelings.
• Child's attachment
It is the opposite of the previous view. A person experiencing it craves care, guardianship, and attention to himself. There is nothing wrong with this, but usually there is another sign: an unwillingness to bear responsibility for the other partner and even oneself. Such attachment is typical for an infantile, psychologically immature, dependent, insecure person. All these vices grow from parental overprotection, which originates in the subject’s childhood. A patron for a child is a fulcrum, a wall behind which one can hide and feel safe. A person does not care that gradually in such relationships he loses himself, his I, turns into an adult child, completely unadapted to life and constantly living in fear of losing his caregiver.
Tips for restoring emotional intimacy in a couple
To bring emotional intimacy back into your family, use 4 proven psychological tips.
Appreciate what you have
The longer people are in relationships, the more inattentive they become. The little things that made them fall in love with their partner are taken for granted. Learn to appreciate and thank your lover, remember why you got along with him, what attracted you.
Intimate talk
When was the last time you talked about something other than the formal “How are you?”, “What are we going to eat?”, “What are we going to do on the weekend?” When was the last time you shared personal experiences or discussed your relationship? Have you shared your dreams with your partner, been interested in his desires, organized evenings of joint planning and fantasizing? Why not do it right now? Perhaps you are so mired in bustle and routine that you have forgotten about each other. At least for one evening, push everything into the background.
Working on yourself and your feelings
How honest are you with your partner? What about yourself? Or do you often suppress your emotions and desires, run away from problems? Isn't it time to learn to accept and express all emotions and discuss them? Emotional intimacy implies this, so start with yourself.
Make a plan
Sit down and discuss your future together. Make a step-by-step plan with goals and objectives that meets your and his (her) needs, interests, desires, and capabilities. Or make a plan yourself and surprise your partner with it, tell them about how you see your future. Ask if he agrees with this, what he wants to add or change, and why.
My recommendations
Creating or reviving emotional intimacy requires complex work and the active participation of both partners. If one of the participants in the relationship does not recognize the problem or does not want to do anything about it, then it is better to immediately break off such an alliance, since playing with one goal is useless. If both partners are ready to work on the relationship, then the following exercises can help with this (subject to regular practice).
Let's start small
Agree that one day a week you will have a day of revelations. An important condition: you can talk about everything, but you cannot avoid the conversation, become offended or irritated. We voiced the problem - we sort it out.
For example, a wife may say that she does not have enough signs of attention and mention what exactly she would like to receive from her husband. It is very important to pay attention to detail and speak in the first person. That is, the one who decided to raise the problem should not put it forward in the form of a complaint, but he should talk about his feelings and what he would like. Then you need to calmly discuss this. Shouting, insults and the like are prohibited - this is an axiom of this day.
At the end of the discussion, you need to thank each other for your frankness, give each other a couple of compliments and confess your love. Of course, you need to draw conclusions from the conversation and try in practice what you came to.
Life in an alien world
Another exercise game. Now you need to live the life of your partner for one day, arrange a wife's day and a husband's day. The rules are the same: no criticism or reproaches, restraint, honesty, openness.
The essence of the exercise: all day long you live in your partner’s world, get to know his hobbies, work, interests, dreams, habits, etc. Even in one day of honest acquaintance with a person’s inner world, you can learn a lot about your partner.
At the end of the day, discuss: what was interesting to you and what was not, what you understood and what remained unclear, why your partner is important and interested in what he does, how compatible it is with you, etc. Give freedom to your imagination here. By the way, during the day it is also important to communicate as much as possible, exchange emotions and opinions. But remember the main rules of the game.
Life by someone else's rules
Similar to the previous exercise, but here you need to choose a day according to the rules/wishes of the wife and a day according to the rules/wishes of the husband. The principles are the same: we don’t criticize, we respect, we try to understand, we restrain our reactions (we need to let out emotions, but we shouldn’t break into screams and quarrels).
The gist: During the day, the husband tells his wife what to do. Moreover, this can apply to anything: cooking, clothing (a good way to find out what your chosen one wants to see you like), entertainment, work, etc. The wife cannot refuse, but she can comment on everything that happens. The wife’s day then passes similarly.
Day of compromise or shared hobby
Look for common ground and a common hobby or job. A joint business, like nothing else, helps people understand each other, seek compromises, learn restraint and constructive discussion of problems. In the process, you will exchange not only words, but also emotions, and learn to understand each other better.
Note! If one of the partners is tormented by past traumas, he suffers from low self-esteem, uncertainty, suspicion, an inferiority complex, chronic feelings of guilt and shame, multiple fears, then it will not be possible to establish intimacy. To establish an emotional connection, both partners must be psychologically mature and healthy. Otherwise, individual elaboration of personal problems is indicated first.
How to Create Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is such psychological conditions under which we are not afraid to be as open as possible. We are not afraid that we will be judged, misunderstood, ridiculed, or insulted. We know that even if our positions with our opponents do not agree, we will still try to understand each other and support and accept each other. Opening up is scary, but it has a lot of benefits.
Advantages
Benefits of emotional intimacy in a couple:
- conflicts and misunderstandings are minimized;
- each partner feels harmony within themselves, in their relationships with each other and with the world;
- productivity increases in all areas of life;
- both partners are more actively self-actualized and achieve more;
- the quality of sex improves;
- partners get sick less often and get rid of psychological problems, such as complexes.
Emotional intimacy in a relationship strengthens and improves the psychological and physical health of each partner.
Signs of a lack of emotional intimacy in the family
Signs of a lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship:
- reluctance to discuss important issues with each other (“Do as you want”, “Decide for yourself”, “I’ll figure it out without you”);
- reluctance to spend time together (cheating, avoiding through work, or directly stating that being with friends or alone is better);
- reluctance to help and support (empty and unfulfilled promises, avoidance of conversation, direct refusals, coldness and detachment).
The main criterion for loss of emotional intimacy is frequent conflicts or lack of communication. The essence is the same - people do not understand each other, do not want to interact and cannot accept each other’s characteristics.
