My parents argue and fight, what to do - instructions for children and teenagers

In the previous article we touched on the topic of parental prohibitions. Today we will talk about what to do if parents argue again.

Again the parents speak in a raised voice. You want to run away from home, just so as not to see how two people you care about are fighting. Every now and then the question arises in my head: “Why can’t they agree?” When you ask your mother, she hugs you, kisses the top of your head, and then looks away. Your father pats you on the shoulder and promises each time: “Everything will be fine, just be patient a little...”. But a day, a week passes, and the situation repeats itself.

Maybe your family used to be friendly, but quarrels began recently, which became an unpleasant surprise for you? How to solve this problem? How should you act in such a situation?

Make an experience

You've already heard the saying that a smart man learns from his own mistakes, and a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Although family quarrels are unpleasant, they also provide invaluable life experience. Consider this another contribution of loving parents to your happy future. They provide you with the opportunity to observe, by example, family conflicts between spouses. Do you remember we talked about a diary in which you can write down the reasons for quarrels? Save this priceless document. Whatever books you read in the future, they will not replace your own experience. Perhaps you don't understand something right now. But time will pass, and you will be able to draw the right conclusions from what you saw and heard. Then the relationships in the family you created will develop according to the best scenario, because you will know: swearing and quarrels are a sure way to destroy everything.

Also, the causes of quarrels are often...

Mutual grievances.
Constant control and surveillance of one parent after another.
Lack of romance, tenderness and care for each other in the relationship between parents (when love leaves the relationship and only habits remain).
Lack of money in the family budget.

In fact, there are thousands of reasons for quarrels. It’s just that some people successfully avoid problems, preferring not to let “everyday life” into the relationship, while others find a solution to the problem only in the process of a quarrel.

Advice from a psychologist ↑

To parents:

Don't stop swearing in front of your children. Yes, no matter how absurd it may seem, modern psychologists recommend doing just that. This is necessary for the child to see that quarrels may still exist between parents. Otherwise, he will build illusions about an ideal family without conflicts, and it will be extremely difficult for him to choose a life partner. However, quarrels should still be kept to a minimum.
Don't insult each other. You need to control yourself. Insults are no longer the norm. And the child should not hear them.
Don't remember what happened before. The baby should not know the “pitfalls” in the life of his parents.
Demonstrate reconciliation. The child also needs to see what follows after a quarrel.

To kid:

Don't feel sorry for yourself. If you take all quarrels to heart today, you will doom yourself to suffering. And you don't need this. It’s better to mind your own business - your parents will cool down and make peace, so there’s no need to be sad here.
Don't lead by example. However, if quarrels are rude, there are fights, alcohol and other things that are unpleasant for you, you must understand that this is no longer entirely normal. Make a promise to yourself that later, when you have your own family, you will not use it.
Don't tell all your friends about family conflicts. All this can cause ridicule, jokes and unpleasant comments in your direction. Everything that happens at home should stay there. You can only share your “secrets” with those whom you trust very much. It is better if it is an adult who will not only listen to you with understanding, but will also be able to give practical advice in specific situations.

What is the danger of children being present during family quarrels?

The main factors that cause concern for child psychologists include the following consequences of parental quarrels:

READ

Relationship crisis: signs, causes and ways out

Emotional instability. Seeing that adults indulge in hysterics, screaming, and fighting, the child understands that he can behave the same way. Over time, this habit takes root, so already in adolescence it is impossible to get an adequate adult reaction.
Feeling of insecurity. If a fight breaks out during an argument, children often try to intervene and stop it. This leads to physical injuries and makes it clear that parents are completely unable to protect, but can offend and hurt for no reason. This creates uncertainty.
Feeling of self-rejection. During the scandal, parents may use as an argument the reproaches that one of them did not want the child, that without him the family would have fallen apart. Children often hear this. As a result, they have the feeling that adults do not like them; without them, the situation would be simpler.

Despite the disadvantages, psychologists recommend smoothing out conflicts, but not hiding them. This makes it clear to the child that such behavior is normal and there is nothing to worry about. But it is important not to insult each other and make peace publicly. Understanding the process of a quarrel and its stages will help the child formulate his own behavior policy in similar situations in the future.

This will help him adapt more successfully to society and find a partner in the future.

What to do if parents constantly fight?

Of course, in a global sense, children will not be able to change the situation. Adults will not love each other again if they decide to separate. But until the situation gets to that point, you can try to reconcile the parents and make them quarrel less.

Often disagreements occur over everyday trifles. So that mom and dad don’t conflict about this, you can take on at least some of the responsibilities. For example, washing dishes, vacuuming, doing wet cleaning, picking up my brother from kindergarten, and so on.

You can diversify family life by inviting mom and dad to spend time together more often. Entertainment can be of any kind, but it must be shared, so that parents and children take part. This could be a picnic, a trip to the cinema, a walk, a hike, sports games and much more.

Sometimes mom and dad need some alone time. Therefore, from time to time you can make surprises for them. For example, give them tickets to the theater, to a concert, or prepare a delicious dinner for them. This way they will remember their youth and become closer to each other. To prepare surprises, you can involve other close relatives (for example, a grandmother or aunt).

Psychologists also advise asking parents about the period when they were young and had just had children. This will help them remember the best moments of their lives, how they were in love with each other, waiting for the first words and steps of the child, and much more. Perhaps dad and mom will decide to change their behavior so that there is peace in the family, as before.

These general tips can be used when parents argue frequently. What to do specifically in a particular case depends on the situation. A school psychologist can give detailed recommendations for solving the problem.

How to make sure that parents never quarrel or fight?

Every child feels defenseless, abandoned and helpless when parents quarrel. And the child always finds himself between two fires, because it is impossible to choose someone’s side when you love both parents.

In a global sense, a child, of course, will not be able to change the situation, because even a common child cannot make two adults love each other again if they decide to separate. But if the situation has not yet reached such a stage, and parents’ quarrels are only a temporary phenomenon, then you can help them get closer.

What children should not do during family scandals

Psychologists looked at examples of conflicts in different families.

Based on observations, a list of the most ineffective and harmful behavioral strategies was created:

Blackmail with talk of suicide. This is unacceptable. Parents are in a difficult position, as evidenced by the conflict. A statement about the desire to die will not solve the problem. After such behavior, the situation will become more complicated, since there will be no strength left to solve the cause of the quarrel; adults will think about how to ensure the safety of the child. If nothing more reliable comes to mind, the offspring may be sent to a special psychiatric hospital, where they will be given injections and given pills. Threaten to leave home

This will entail increased attention and, possibly, house arrest, complete isolation from friends. But the quarrels will not stop because of this. Tell friends, acquaintances and neighbors about what is happening

If a child tries to find a way out of the situation in this way in order to stop quarrels, then his decision is wrong. It is better to contact a psychologist at school so that he can have a conversation with mom and dad. By telling the details of a family scandal to strangers, a child will only provoke increased attention to the family and condemnation of neighbors. Intervene in a conflict or fight. If parents show intemperance and hit each other, you cannot interfere and try to separate them. This will lead to injuries, because they are stronger and larger.

Quarrels between adults are a normal situation that occurs in almost all families. The child does not need to panic or intervene. Once the adults have calmed down, talk about what happened to get all your questions answered.

Tips for parents

It is difficult for both mom and dad to inform children about the upcoming divorce, because both understand that this is a lot of stress for them, especially if previously everything was relatively good in the family.

But sooner or later you will have to tell, and it’s worth using these tips:

Tell us about your decision on time. You need to inform about your intentions to separate a couple of days before the divorce, so that the child does not suffer for several weeks. Report the divorce together. Such news should be reported by mom and dad at the same time. This will give the child the opportunity to understand the situation in its entirety, rather than hearing each version separately, and will indicate that the decision was made jointly. This way the child will have equal trust in both parents. Voice only the final decision. Do not talk about the decision to break up until you have firmly clarified this issue with each other. By telling your child, even if he is already quite an adult, about your plans for divorce, which you are not yet completely sure of, you only drag him into your conflict and make him suffer more. Use simple words. When talking about your decision, you need to speak in simple words, so that even a child understands everything correctly. You can also add that dad will live in a separate house and will be able to take him with him

At the same time, it is worth explaining to the baby that he will not be deprived of attention from both mom and dad. Be near. After breaking the news of a divorce, you need to spend more time together, as the child will feel lonely. Convince the child that the decision made is not his fault

After all, children often blame themselves for the breakdown of relations between their parents, while hiding everything inside. It must be communicated that divorce is an adult's decision and responsibility and it is not his fault. Avoid discussing details. There is no need to discuss the legal processes of guardianship and trusteeship with a child, and also try to avoid anger and aggression towards your partner. Don't blame your partner in front of your children. Whatever emotions there are, you cannot throw them out in front of the child by entering into conflict. Also, do not turn against the other parent.

In the next video, a psychologist talks about how you can reconcile parents.

How to survive your parents' divorce

A separation is a difficult time not only for a husband and wife, but also for their children.
In some cases, the child himself may suffer for the most part, for whom his entire little world collapses. In this case, psychologists advise the child the following:

Talk to each parent separately and let them know that the current situation is tormenting him.
If divorce cannot be avoided, the child should focus his thoughts on the fact that he still has both parents, although they no longer live together.
The child should think about his own future activities, find interesting hobbies and interests, and not gravitate towards bad habits.
It is also worth reflecting on the experiences of your parents and determining for yourself how you can avoid a similar situation in the future with your family.

Who to stay with after divorce

If the mother has a permanent job, housing and no problems with alcohol and drug use, then the court, as a rule, leaves the children with her. However, after 10 years of age, the child has the right to express a wish about who he would like to stay with after his parents’ divorce. Such a wish will definitely be considered by the court of the Russian Federation and taken into account.

In such a situation, the child should think about whose side he will choose. In this case, you should take your own interests into account:

Determine which parent will be more caring.
Who can pay maximum attention.
Decide who will help with school and other matters.
Also choose someone who can provide everything you need.

Having chosen to live with mom or dad, the child under no circumstances abandons his second parent (but not in cases where the divorce was due to drug addiction, alcoholism and assault). Mom and dad are a single whole for the baby, even if certain disagreements arise between them. Therefore, communication with them cannot and should not be interrupted.

What not to do

A child should not think about leaving home, starting to use drugs and smoking, drinking or doing other destructive things. Such behavior will not only not restore peace and harmony in the relationship between parents, but will also destroy his own life. Mom and dad will worry about this, quarrel even more and blame each other. In addition, the destructive behavior of a minor may attract the attention of the guardianship authorities.

All you need to do is try to reassure your parents and set them up for calm and respectful communication.

Psychologist's advice

When quarrels arise between mom and dad, the child usually does not understand the reason for them, and, moreover, cannot understand who is right. For every child, both parents are important and therefore he wants to reconcile them with each other in order to live in a peaceful and happy family. As a rule, the child is the key to peace between adults.

But this doesn't work if the reason for the break is as follows:

assault;
treason;
faded love;
parental drug or alcohol addiction.

If you had a fight

The rights of a child under the Family Code allow him to take a direct part in the reconciliation of mom and dad. When quarrels arise between parents, you first need to establish the cause of the disagreement. If it is of a very serious nature, then the best solution would be to stay away, since in this case the adults will figure it out on their own, and the child will only have to accept their decision.

If the quarrel is not serious, then to solve the problem you can find a compromise that would suit both parents.

The first step towards reconciliation is to find out the cause of the quarrel, after which you can begin more active actions

You can try talking to mom and dad, but it is important that the conversation is natural and private with each parent. When one of the parents leaves, you can find out all the details of the quarrel over breakfast

Then point out that because of the disagreements that have arisen, he is very worried and has bad thoughts.

You can try to reconcile your parents if they had a fight in another way, which will require talking to your mother and lying about the fact that your father wants to reconcile, but does not know how to do it. Repeat a similar dialogue with your father. If the parents do not agree to peace, then you can buy flowers and present them to the mother with a speech that the father bought them. And if dad is offended, then in this case you can buy him cologne and tell him that mom bought this perfume and asks him to give it as a gift.

If you are going to get divorced

Parents can change such a decision if it was made thoughtlessly, suddenly and emotionally. Only under these conditions will the child be able to reconcile his father and mother. But if they have weighed everything, seriously intend to separate, and the application has already been submitted to the registry office, then in this case the chances of reconciliation are very low.

If parents divorce, what should the child do first? Awaken the old feelings of mom and dad by making a photo album and pasting joint pictures of the parents there. You can also make a digital album by adding music. In this way, it will not only please mom and dad, but also evoke positive memories of past events. You can also prepare a romantic dinner for two, you don’t have to have any special cooking skills, you can buy everything in the store, the main thing is that old feelings come flooding back.

The younger the child, the easier it is for him to reconcile his parents, even if they are both inclined to divorce. One has only to cry to the baby, say that both mom and dad are important to him, they can reconsider their decision and live together for the sake of the child as before. However, such relationships may not last long, and after a while the parents will still decide to separate, and quarrels may only become more frequent.

You can reconcile your parents if they want to get a divorce by simply deceiving them. If you tell them separately that each of them wants to reconcile and does not want to ruin the marriage, but does not know how to do this, then such a trick can work. Then mother and father will at least think about renewing their relationship with each other.

What to do to prevent scandals

When the situation has not reached the point of divorce, you can think about what to do if your parents constantly fight. To bring spouses closer together and strengthen their relationship, it is useful:

give them a surprise;
help around the house;
cook dinner.

A surprise could be a photo collage or video clip for parents, which contains photographs of the best moments of their lives, from their youth to the latest events. Children must insert their own photos. Memories bring you closer and lead to a desire to bring romance back into the relationship.

Helping around the house will free up time for spouses for themselves. Dad can go to the gym, mom can go to the beauty salon. Both will have the opportunity to visit a cinema, theater or other place.

If children are already allowed near the stove, they can arrange dinner for their parents for two or for the whole family. The Internet now provides a large number of recipes to choose from.

Quarrels between parents can be caused by misunderstandings, fatigue or jealousy. If they swear, it is better for children not to interfere with advice. The adults will figure it out themselves, and after reconciliation, you can talk to them about what worries you.

Parents separated

It’s good when quarrels between parents subside as problems are resolved. Another job has been found, the family's income has increased, father and mother have sorted out household responsibilities (maybe not without your help), peace and quiet and God's grace are again in the family. But this doesn't always happen. Arguing can be a way of life for hot-tempered parents. Then you will have to come to terms with the fact that you will be periodically “stormed”. The outcome may be unfavorable - the father and mother decide to separate. Yes, this can happen for many reasons - love leaves, you have to experience unpleasant events that destroy relationships, disagreements appear that make further marital relationships impossible.

If this happens, immediately give up any illusions that the main people in your life will be together again. Surely the father and mother will begin to build new relationships with other partners. How to survive your parents' divorce? It's hard for you to accept. Talk about the problem with a psychologist - there is probably such a specialist at your school. A conversation is needed so that mental trauma does not affect you and destroy your future.

Read more: Parents drink: what can be done

Can a child affect the parents' relationship?

This situation is depressing and boring, but there are no effective methods on the part of the child to stop this. The reason for the quarrels lies in the relationship between adults, to which no one has anything to do except them.

But if constant scandals are boring and interfere with study and relaxation, talk to your parents. To do this, choose a moment when both are calm. Sit them in the same room and tell them what doesn't suit you. Focus on everyday difficulties - during quarrels, the child may not be heard, although he needs help. This should have an impact and make them quarrel less actively. However, to solve the problem, adults will need to have a desire to understand the cause and eliminate it.

Why do parents fight - what are the reasons for their quarrels?

Parents are tired of each other. They have been living together for quite a long time, but there are practically no common interests. Misunderstandings between them and reluctance to give in to each other develop into conflicts.
Tired of work. Dad works “three shifts”, and his fatigue spills out in the form of irritation. And if at the same time the mother does not particularly take care of the household, devoting too much time to herself instead of taking care of the house and children, then the irritation becomes even stronger. It also happens the other way around - mom is forced to work “3 shifts,” and dad lies all day on the sofa watching TV or under the car in the garage.
Jealousy. It can happen for no reason, simply because dad is afraid of losing mom (or vice versa).

Shifting the blame onto children

Sometimes, during times of strong irritation, parents begin to scold their children for something for which, in fact, they are not to blame. For example, a mother forgot to remove a plate or cup from the table, and the baby, running past, touched it, it fell and broke. Or another case - dad allowed me to pet the neighbor’s dog, but it bit the baby. And now the father scolds the child - don’t you know that a dog can bite? Who is to blame in this case? Is it a child? Why should he be scolded or punished? By shifting the blame from themselves to their children, parents can achieve only one thing - over time, their child will begin to do the same, he will not admit his mistakes. I think everyone will remember a situation when we need to scold ourselves, but we scold a child.

Reasons for constant quarrels with children ↑

If parents constantly quarrel in front of their children, you don’t need to think that everything is completely bad in your family. Of course, everyone suffers, but conflicts are essentially impossible to avoid. This is how family life works. In most cases, all quarrels come down to three reasons.

Misunderstanding

It can occur at any time. This is not permanent and will likely pass. There are simply moments in life that are called “critical”.

The thing is that the parents have been living with each other for a very long time. And now they just became a little uninterested in spending time together.

At the same time, conflicts often arise over trifles. Such quarrels can even happen every day. During this period, it is worth supporting parents more and offering to diversify their time together (start going to the park, fitness, playgrounds, etc.).

Fatigue

Dad or mom works too much, so they get tired. Therefore, one of the parents becomes irritable and loses interest in what is happening.

This condition will soon pass. And you can sometimes help with this: take on some of the household responsibilities, help with a younger brother or sister (for example, take them to kindergarten or pick them up from there), etc.

Jealousy

This means that one of the parents does not want to share their significant other with someone. It's more of a character thing. Jealousy can arise even without reason. There is nothing particularly terrible in such quarrels. Parents are unlikely to divorce over this.

But if you witness a conflict due to betrayal, then you just need to wait for events to develop: some people are able to forgive her, others are not. If your parents decide to stay together, then again support them more.

What to do if parents quarrel ↑

Accept your feelings

As we have already understood, quarrels between parents are a completely normal occurrence. Conflicts arise for everyone throughout life, even with your friends. That is why I would like to wish you not to isolate yourself, but to accept your feelings.

Whether you are afraid, or unpleasant, or ashamed, or simply uncomfortable - all this can happen. And there's nothing wrong with that. Once you accept yourself, you will begin to pay less attention to it and will not withdraw into yourself.

And remember: this is their relationship - now they are fighting, and in the evening they will laugh, so you should not take every quarrel to heart.

Know your innocence firmly

Do not under any circumstances think that you are the cause of their quarrels. Even when they fight over who will watch you on the weekend, it's not your fault. In this case, they simply cannot plan their time correctly. It's not your fault.

Don't interfere

There is no need to interfere in the conflict between parents, much less say who is right and who is wrong. Indeed, in this case, you can not only be rejected (they will tell you: “Don’t go where you’re not asked!”), but also hear unpleasant things addressed to you, which will be thrown rashly, without thinking it through.

Get busy

When parents quarrel, the child is superfluous. To avoid witnessing conflicts, you need to distract yourself.

You can also go to your room and do things: play something, surf the Internet, draw, etc. To avoid hearing their conversation, you can listen to music through headphones.

Let your parents cool down

After a quarrel between parents, you should not approach your dad or mom with advice, requests, expressing your opinion, etc. Now this person is not emotionally restrained, so he can take it out on you.

It’s better to wait until passions subside and each family member analyzes the situation that happened, draws their own conclusions and calms down.

Don't take sides

In order not to further sow a negative atmosphere in your family, you should not take sides. Remember: in any quarrel, both are to blame. Moreover, you do not fully know all the secrets of their relationships, their reasoning, agreements, etc.

Let them figure it out on their own, and you will remain a loving child who respects both mom and dad equally.

Tell me about your feelings

Sometimes this greatly affects the frequency of quarrels later. So, your parents may feel embarrassed if they find out how you feel.

Remember: in every family, parents quarrel. Perhaps even worse than yours.

So, in order to tell your parents about your feelings, you first need to bring them together:

This can happen while having dinner or watching TV. Parents should be reassured at this time (that is, a sufficient amount of time after the conflict occurred).
Next, in a calm manner, tell your mom and dad that it’s hard for you to see them fighting, you wouldn’t want this to happen in your family, etc.

Surely they will not only feel guilty, but will also see notes of an adult in you, which deserves special respect.

Provide support

In some cases, nothing brings parents together more than supporting a child. To do this, you need to tell every family member that you are no longer little and already understand a lot.

Ask for help

In severely advanced cases, quarrels become unbearable: parents argue every day, do not talk to each other, or even fight and drink. All this is very difficult for a child to observe, so you need to turn to another adult for help.

It could be a grandmother, an aunt, or even a teacher. Why do you need to tell an adult? Because he can understand you and begin to take some specific measures in favor of you and your family.

How should you behave?

Even an adult present during a quarrel does not always know how to behave correctly. Your confusion is quite understandable. Therefore, read these tips and try to follow them. Maybe they won't help improve the relationship between father and mother. But at least you won't make things worse.

Get rid of the feeling of guilt. Only parents bear responsibility for the situation and relationships as a whole.
Try not to get into a quarrel, because you risk getting an extra scolding. You still don’t have enough life experience and knowledge to give advice, separate, or reconcile. After a verbal altercation, let a little time pass for mom and dad to calm down.
Mind your own business during this time: go for a walk, listen to music, visit your grandparents (if you are already allowed to use public transport on your own). But if you went somewhere, be sure to say so or leave at least a note.
Don't try to be a judge, no matter how much you want to. Maintain neutrality so as not to feel guilty before one of your parents and not spoil your relationship with him. And under no circumstances pit one parent against the other. Imagine what they would think of you if they made up?
After the swearing subsides and some time has passed, tell adults what you feel - fear, resentment, excitement... Do this without blaming anyone. It can be helpful to remind your parents that you still love them. Perhaps next time they will sort things out in your absence or come to some kind of compromise.
During a quarrel, you may need the help of other adults whom you trust (aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even the police). You should resort to it if something frightens you: your mother and father are fighting, they raised their hand against you. This is especially important if they are drunk.

What your child should absolutely not do:

Getting between parents in the midst of a scandal.

Thinking that you are the cause of the quarrel, or that your parents don’t love you. Their relationship to each other is their relationship

They do not relate to their relationship with the child.

Trying to harm yourself in order to reconcile your parents and attract their attention. It will not be possible to reconcile parents with such a harsh method (statistics show that when a child suffering from quarrels between parents deliberately harms himself, the parents get divorced in most cases), but the harm done to himself can have serious consequences for the life of the child himself.

Run away from home

Such an escape can also end very badly, but it will not bring the desired result. The maximum that a child who cannot bear to be at home can do is call his relatives so that they can take him away for a while until the parents make peace.

Threaten your parents that you will harm yourself or run away from home. This also makes no sense, because if it comes to such threats, it means that the parents’ relationship can no longer be restored, and to keep them with threats means to aggravate the situation even more.

Of course, you shouldn’t tell everyone about the problems in the house between your parents, if these quarrels are temporary and concern only everyday trifles, if the quarrels quickly subside, and the parents really love each other and their child, and sometimes they just get so tired that it results in quarrels.

After all, if a mother yells at a child, this does not mean that she does not love him or wants to kick him out of the house. It’s the same with parents - they may shout at each other, but this does not mean at all that they are ready to break up or fight.

The thing is that a call to a teacher, psychologist, helpline or police can have very serious consequences for the parents and the child himself: the child can be taken to an orphanage, and the parents can be deprived of parental rights. Therefore, you should call serious authorities only if the situation really threatens the health and life of the mother or the child.

And if you are simply worried and scared about your parents’ marriage, then it is better to share the problem with those who can influence the parents without the involvement of the police and child care services in the problem - for example, with grandparents, with the best friends of mom and dad, and others close to the child people.

How can a child protect himself from negative influences?

Families do not always explain how to behave correctly for children when parents have a conflict. Let's tell the child how to behave in the event of regular fights between mom and dad.

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How to make peace with your beloved husband: a selection of different options

Never get involved in a dispute

When parents quarrel, they do not control their words and do not immediately understand how much they offend their loved one. Therefore, do not interfere in the conflict, do not tell who is right or wrong, even if you are sure that these words will help make peace and understand the truth. Adults will figure it out without the participation of others. If you do not listen to advice and intervene, there is a chance that you will hear bad words addressed to you or a recommendation not to participate in the proceedings.

Leave the room for a while

If there is an opportunity to leave the apartment during a conflict, take advantage of it. Ask one or both adults for time off so they know you are away from home. Take a walk in the yard and take your mind off sad thoughts. This will help you not to hear mutual insults. There is also a chance that by the time you return, the quarrel will be over.

If you couldn’t get permission to go for a walk, do something you love, something that excites you and interests you the most. If screaming bothers you, listen to music on headphones or watch a movie.

Don't take the blame

No matter what others say, your parents don’t think that you are to blame for conflicts, so you can’t blame yourself for this. Even if the quarrel began because adults cannot decide who takes the child to school or extracurricular activities, this does not mean the opposite. The problem in this case is the inability to properly plan the day.

READ

How to earn forgiveness from your beloved wife: ways of reconciliation

Give everyone time to calm down.

When parents argue, each of them experiences stress that needs to be dealt with. This will take time, so you can’t immediately ask for advice or ask for advice after a quarrel. Most likely, an adult who has not yet had time to calm down will speak rudely or thoughtlessly. Wait at least half an hour so that mom and dad have time to think about their words and draw conclusions.

Don't blame one of the parents

In many families, the child communicates more with one of the parents, so at the time of a scandal, he may want to support him. To avoid a big quarrel with your parents, do not take such steps.

The child does not understand the causes of the conflict and does not fully know the relationship between adults. His statement will cause aggression and an even greater scandal. In addition, the parent who was judged by the child may think that the second adult is turning the younger family member against him.

Tell your parents about your feelings

If you don’t know what to do when your parents are seriously arguing with each other, but you want to help, tell us about your feelings. This will make it clear to adults that it is unpleasant for you to see and hear scandals. This will make them feel ashamed, so parents will try to quarrel less. Don't expect it to happen instantly, but the improvements will be noticeable. When you start talking, don’t say anything about hating them or regretting being born into such a family. Even outwardly pleasant couples often have conflicts, perhaps stronger ones, so don’t think that your family is the worst.

Tip #4: Take care of your children's feelings

Each child has his own fears, experiences, reactions to certain things and events. They may seem insignificant to adults, but kids see the world completely differently, and this must be taken into account. Children have the right to express their emotions and demonstrate disagreement. Whether they are right or wrong is another question that needs to be understood.

Parents should pay attention to their children’s feelings and teach their kids to name them correctly. Role-playing game is suitable for this

Invite your child to imagine himself as a fairy-tale hero who was deceived and talk about his experiences. So the baby will learn to sympathize with other people. If a child understands that by taking toys away from brothers or sisters, he offends them, there will be fewer quarrels.

A teenager who develops fine social skills from an early age adapts more easily to life in society. At the same time, he gains self-confidence as he learns to resolve difficult situations without outside help.

How to minimize these consequences

Of course, it is best if you do not quarrel at all in front of your child. And if a conflict arises, you will calmly discuss the situation and come to a joint solution to the difficulties. But this is not so simple due to our automatic reactions to what does not suit us in another person. In addition, everyone sometimes has a bad mood, troubles at work, or just fatigue, which prevents us from holding back on time. Ideal people do not exist, just like ideal families in which no one ever quarrels. And if this happens, it immediately raises many questions about the closeness of relationships in these families. Therefore, if misunderstandings arise from time to time in your family, it is normal.

But to prevent misunderstandings from developing into open conflict, it is necessary to separate negative emotions and ways of expressing them. Feelings such as anger, irritation, anger or resentment are part of our human nature, they are normal, just like positive ones

We have the right to experience these feelings, and it is important to accept our own emotions without turning a blind eye to them, without hushing them up or accumulating them inside. Moreover, we usually cannot control their appearance in response to any situation

At the same time, it is in our power to control their expression. And this is our responsibility to other people - especially to loved ones and relatives.

The most important thing is to learn to stop at the moment when irritation or anger boils inside. There are many ways to do this: count to 10 before you say something, put water in your mouth and do not swallow it, express a compliment or gratitude instead of a reproach, think: “How will my reaction affect our relationship? Will it improve them or make them worse?” You can choose the one that suits you or come up with your own that will help you. And after the emotions have subsided, in a calm environment and in the absence of the child, it is imperative to discuss the conflict issue, express your feelings (in the form of “I-messages”) and come to a joint decision.

Of course, this method of “sorting things out” is not given right away. Few of us were shown this positive example as children. But it’s worth learning, because this strategy will allow you to improve family relationships and give your child a happy childhood.

Why doesn't my mother understand me?

“My mother doesn’t understand me... I can’t just come up, hug her and say that I love her... we’re like strangers... I don’t like the way she lives... she’s been suppressing me all my life... I always feel guilty before her” - this only a small part of the complaints that I heard in consultations from women, my clients.

Moreover, from a variety of women: working women and housewives, married and unmarried, with different education and income levels, women from two-parent families and those whose mother divorced a long time ago. And these women, so different, all interesting in their own way, are in fact already adults, nevertheless, like little girls, they wanted mother’s love, affection and asked “ Why?” Why doesn't my mother understand me? "

Having become interested in this topic, I noticed that women who have difficult relationships with their mothers have something in common. Remembering their childhood, talking about it, they, one way or another, convey some tension in the family atmosphere in which they grew up.

Tension either arose during scandals, or took a hidden form, when the little girl could not understand where it came from or what the reason was, but she felt it well.

These women, whose relationships with their mothers were difficult, were also united by their inherent confusion in the face of the world of emotions. Where emotions appeared, confusion began: a lack of understanding of oneself or others, a desire to help to the detriment of oneself, or vice versa - a selfish search for extremely vivid sensations, constant doubts, contradictions - there are many options, but, ultimately, we can talk about a decrease in emotional intelligence (the ability to understand and manage your own and others’ emotions).

For example, Olga (names have been changed hereinafter) had a strong emotional upsurge often giving way to depressive states, and she had no idea about the reasons for what was happening.

Another client, Marina, often found herself in a situation where she spent a long time and patiently “giving all her best” for friends, helping them, and they simply used her, which led to resentment, disappointment and depression, and how to get out of these situations and what generally happens - Marina didn't understand.

Another woman, Svetlana, in pursuit of strong emotions, found them in relationships with bright, unbalanced and narcissistic men, although she had long wanted a family and children, but did not understand how she could break away from attachment to such men, not inclined to start a family.

Article navigation “My mother doesn’t understand me, we fight all the time. How to improve relationships?

We constantly argue with our mother, what is the reason?
How to improve your relationship with your mother?
Accept the situation
A few words about separation
Is constructive dialogue possible?
Protect yourself in your relationship with your mother
Find the area of intersection and balance in relationships

What to do if you still quarrel in front of your child

If you failed to restrain yourself in time and the misunderstanding resulted in a “conversation” in a raised voice, it is important to smooth out its consequences for your child. Try with all your might:

Speak and act calmly. Raising your voice will not make your arguments more convincing, and may seriously frighten your child. This applies even more to your actions. Yes, breaking a couple of plates or “loosening your hands” will relieve your accumulated tension. However, for the baby this can become a trauma, the consequences of which he will have to deal with throughout his life.
Avoid insults and humiliation. Verbal (verbal) aggression is just as harmful to a child as physical aggression. Children are very sensitive to emotions embedded in words.
Therefore, even if you do not use swear words, the child will feel your disrespect for mom or dad.
Maintain the child's neutrality. Under no circumstances should you ask his opinion - who is right in your dispute, whose side he is on. And, even more so, to convince you that you are right. This is extremely traumatic for the baby, because you are both family and loved ones for him.

It is best to show the child that the conflict is over - that is, after a quarrel, make peace in front of him. But often this doesn’t work out either. In this case, after the emotions have subsided, admit your mistake and apologize to your child for having to see it. Once you feel ready, you can calmly explain to your child what happened, how you felt and why you had a fight.

It is important to emphasize that the child was not to blame for what happened, since young children often think that they themselves are the cause of their parents’ negative behavior

In words accessible to children’s understanding, it is necessary to explain that a quarrel does not mean that someone is to blame or one is worse than the other, it’s just that two people could not agree

It is also important to voice that a quarrel will not lead to a break in the relationship between mom and dad, that they continue to love each other and their son or daughter

If quarrels between parents, especially with the use of verbal or physical aggression, are regular, you need to stop and think

It is important to understand the reasons for what is happening and correct the situation as soon as possible in order to stop traumatizing the child. It is best to seek help from a family relations specialist for this, since it can be difficult to break the vicious circle of mutual accusations and reproaches on your own.

By making efforts to improve your relationship with your spouse, you will not only become calmer and happier yourself, but you will also be able to make your children happier.

Anastasia Vyalykh, psychologist of the portal “I am a Parent”

Child-parent conflicts: Your type of behavior

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, including between parents and children. By answering the test questions from the I Am a Parent portal, you will be able to identify your style of behavior in conflicts with your child. Take the test

When can you intervene?

Photo by Monstera: Pexels
Reluctance to seek professional help may be due to: financial problems, lack of faith that a psychologist can help. Another possible option is when one of the spouses insists on using professional help, and the other does not see the need for this, like “We’ll figure it out ourselves!” We are our own psychologists!”

In such cases, it is important for close people to become an arbitrator for a married couple who will take an unbiased position and provide objective assistance aimed at preserving the family union.

You probably already understood what you were led to: you’re right! In this case, you will become a psychologist for parents. And so that you are not a layman who acts intuitively, your electronic psychologist friend, that is, this article, will help you!

Demand an apology when parents won't do it themselves.

To teach children something, you need to lead them by example. Parents will not be able to instill in their child the habit of asking for forgiveness for their actions if they themselves do not do this. Situations happen to everyone when, under the influence of fatigue or irritation, we can say a bunch of hurtful words to children. After a fight, we regret what we said, so why not tell our daughter or son: “Forgive me, I said hurtful things to you, I don’t really think about you that way.” What will happen next? Usually children also apologize for bad behavior by hugging their parents. Ask for forgiveness even when both parties are to blame, do it first, so that the children take an example from you.

Imperfect Ideal

If you have a prosperous family, then, of course, you love both mom and dad equally - they are your ideal man and woman. But you are biased because of your love. Like other people, they have shortcomings and go through difficult periods in their lives. What can parents fight about? There are quite a lot of reasons:

Financial difficulties.
Trouble at work.
Mom and dad see the situation differently, etc.

You can find out why the world left your family on your own. You don't even have to pester your parents with questions. A diary will help. Every time your parents start arguing, write down the reason. This will be useful to you, firstly, to understand what is happening, and secondly, to try to help them. How can you help? Very simple. For example, mother and father are too busy at work and there is no one to clean the floors. Surely you have more free time than they do. Why don't you take on some of their responsibilities by giving up the computer game? Surely you can look after your younger brother or sister, wash the dishes, wipe the dust, vacuum.

What should a child do?

First of all, don’t get into trouble. Even the most loving parent “in a state of passion” can say too much. It’s better not to get involved in your parents’ scandal, but to retire to your room.
It is absolutely not necessary to listen to every word of the parents - it is better to put on headphones and try to distract yourself from the situation, which the child still cannot change directly during a quarrel. Minding your own business and, as far as possible, distracting yourself from the parental quarrel is the best thing a child can do at this moment.
Maintain neutrality. You can’t take mom or dad’s side just because they had a fight. Unless we are talking about serious cases when mom needs help because dad raised his hand to her. In cases of ordinary everyday quarrels, you should not take someone else’s position - this will only further ruin the relationship between the parents.
Talk. Not right away - only when the parents cool down and are able to adequately listen to their child and each other. If such a moment has come, then you need to explain to your parents in an adult way that you love them very much, but listening to them quarrel is unbearable. That the child is scared and hurt during their quarrels.
Support parents. Maybe they need help? Maybe mom is really tired and doesn’t have time to do anything, and it’s time to start helping her? Or tell your dad how much you appreciate him and his efforts at work to provide for you.
Seek support. If the situation is very difficult, quarrels are accompanied by drinking alcohol and lead to fights, then you should call relatives - grandparents or aunts and uncles, whom the child knows well and trusts. You can also share the problem with your class teacher, with neighbors whom the child trusts, with a child psychologist - and even with the police, if the situation requires it.
If the situation is absolutely critical and threatens the life and health of the mother - or the child himself, then you can call the all-Russian helpline for children 8-800-2000-122.

Legal protection from domestic violence - what to do in such situations?

I-messages

The “I-formula” helps to avoid conflict and offensive situations. This is a simple algorithm for expressing emotions that helps you and your opponent understand what is happening and what to do next. It consists of three parts:

I feel... Because... I would like...

For example: “When you say that, I feel hurt (anger, anger), and it really hurts me. Because you are a person close to me and your opinion is important to me. I would like you to say the same thing, but in different words.”

By the way, if a random person says something unpleasant , the formula can also be applied: “When you say that, I only feel boredom and indifference. Because I have my own opinion and I don’t care about yours. I would like you to try to increase your self-esteem at the expense of someone else.”

Homework. Now try an experiment: in conversations with your parents 2-3 times a day, say that you understand their good intentions and realize that they care about you: “Mom, thank you for preparing my favorite buns,” “It’s good that you listened to me - I feel better and now it’s clearer what to do.”

It would be great if parents started doing the same. If you manage to explain everything to them and introduce the “I-formula” into a habit, the situation at home will noticeably improve.

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Punishment by deprivation of material goods

Do you use this technique - having promised to buy your son or daughter a toy, you take your words back if the child behaves badly? This is what most parents do to achieve obedience from their children. But is this right? Undoubtedly, this method helps to quickly put children in their place, but what motivates them to obey - do they think about the feelings of their father and mother? No, in this situation the child is only concerned with his own benefits. When he gets older, he will understand that it is better to please his parents so as not to be deprived of material goods, and not out of respect for elders. At the same time, the teenager will accumulate his own experiences, resentment, anger and irritation within himself. Never punish children by depriving them of material things, but teach them to respect your feelings, explain why they need to do this and not otherwise.

You're still six years old

Whatever the number in the passport, when communicating with our mother, we again become snotty boys and disheveled girls.

It seems like an adult girl, but it’s still insulting

We immediately forget that we moved out from our parents a hundred years ago, live in splendid isolation or with our wife/husband/cat, smoke right in the room, throw our socks away and enjoy freedom in every possible way.

We forget that we have grown up a long time ago and are no longer financially dependent on our parents and make our own decisions. And the opinion of parents is no longer the only and immutable authority - there are plenty of other, more competent people around.

In general, proving to your mother that this skirt is beautiful or that it was Petka who hit you with his fist, and not you, becomes as important as a multilateral meeting in the Kremlin with international participation. Now or never.