Victim syndrome interferes with living, working and communicating fully, but people are in no hurry to get rid of it. Because going with the flow and complaining about adversity is easier than steering your life. “No matter what trouble befalls him, a person with a victim mentality rushes to “appoint” the guilty and does not think at all about what his contribution to the situation is. Instead of learning from mistakes and making things better where possible, he wallows in self-pity. It’s common for him to feel like a pitiful sliver in a stormy sea,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva, explaining the worldview of the “eternal victim.” We asked a specialist what signs indicate victim syndrome, why it is better to say goodbye to it, and what will have to be done for this.
Escape from responsibility
Victim syndrome is not a disease or a personality disorder, sometimes it is a role
, sometimes it is
a psychological defense
that works in traumatic and critical situations (Stockholm syndrome). But most often the role. At first glance, it is unenviable, but if you dig deeper, you will find that the “actors” performing it have many benefits.
The role of victim appeals to many because being an “adult” and taking responsibility for your life is not easy. " Responsibility for your life
is to adequately assess your capabilities and limitations, navigate reality, not give up when you fail, and actively take care of your mental and physical well-being and comfort,”
lists Nadezhda Georgieva.
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How not to become a savior
To avoid being drawn into victim games and becoming a deliverer, control your feelings and emotions. Do not offer help or give advice when you are not asked to do so. Do not impose your help and kindness. Otherwise, there is a high chance that some victim will find you. Well, when you hone the role of a deliverer, it won’t be long before you become a victim yourself.
Small fry with ambition
Trying to convince himself that nothing in this world depends on him, a person with victim syndrome enthusiastically criticizes and blames loved ones, colleagues, bosses, and the government for his troubles and misfortunes
.
Anyone, but not yourself. (No one can cancel objective circumstances, but that’s different.) “The wife of an alcoholic can nag her husband for years for ruining his life instead of figuring out why, firstly, she agreed to marry an alcoholic, and secondly, why she still not divorced or separated.
An employee who vegetates in a low position criticizes his boss behind his back instead of talking directly about the possibility of promotion and salary increases,” the psychologist gives examples.
Another symptom of the syndrome is a persistent reluctance to notice, adequately evaluate, and especially appreciate positive qualities
their "oppressors".
“Let’s say a man earns modestly, but helps with household chores and devotes a lot of time to the children.
A woman with victim syndrome will constantly criticize her husband for being a “poor” because he does not provide high income. The thought that he invests in the family as much as he can and deserves gratitude does not even cross her mind,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
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A person with victim syndrome and an infantile personality does not separate other people's emotions
from his own
.
As a result, if those around him are out of sorts, he is sure that it is solely because of him. “If the husband comes in in the evening in a bad mood, a woman with weak emotional differentiation immediately decides that the reason is her (“It’s because I look bad and I didn’t like my dinner”).
But in reality, he has troubles at work or a part has broken in his car, for which he will have to pay half his salary,” explains the expert.
A mature reaction to the described situation is not to touch the nervous husband, but to note that you see his condition and are ready to listen. If he deems it necessary, he will tell what happened to him; if he doesn’t, he has the right. “Only those who deep down feel themselves to be the navel of the earth (egocents) can consider themselves the main cause of other people’s grief.
There are quite a few people with victim syndrome, and this is surprising only at first glance,” emphasizes Nadezhda Georgieva.
Surrendering to fear
fears
can keep a person in a victim position : fear of making decisions, fear of making a mistake, fear of not meeting a new partner, fear of worsening one’s financial situation, and others.
“If fear is stronger than discomfort, many people continue to endure the inconvenience,”
the specialist notes.
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Protecting your inferior, but still comfort
“The position of the victim also attracts “lazy people” - those who simply
do not want to strain and look for ways to solve their problems, or spend time and energy on personal and professional growth,”
continues the psychologist.
For example, why learn new things at work, study new books on your specialty, or take advanced training courses? It’s much easier, when returning from work, to plop down on the sofa and feel sorry for yourself with enthusiasm: “Oh, I’ll remain the last spoke in the chariot. This is all because I am neither godfather nor matchmaker to the boss.”
“A psychologically mature person increases his value to employers. At the same time, he does not allow himself to be offended. So, under no circumstances will they perform additional work for free, only under certain conditions and agreements. And a person with victim syndrome will doomedly agree, because he is sure: he has no way out,”
says Nadezhda Georgieva.
Raising the Perfect Victim
Victim syndrome is common to many people, but not everyone is aware of it. The fact is that the victim’s worldview is often formed from childhood. “The family is our social basis.
A child who grows up in a deficit of love, whose parents are constantly dissatisfied with him and focus on his failures, develops the self-esteem of a weak person .
The same thing happens when a child is surrounded by overprotection
and adults decide everything for him.
A little person can conclude: “No matter how much effort I make to achieve a goal, I will not achieve results.” With the philosophy of learned helplessness,
he enters adulthood and continues to act according to the learned pattern,”
explains the psychologist. And he adds: “Another option is also possible - overcompensation, when a person makes himself strong in spite of everything.”
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Those whom their parents sincerely loved, allowed to make mistakes, and in whom they developed independence, are reliably protected from the victim syndrome. Such people have responsibility
(“My bonus was cut not because my boss didn’t like me, but because I messed up at work”) and a
realistic view of himself and the world
(“My boyfriend is addicted to weed, I can’t get rid of his addiction, but it means it’s wiser to end the relationship”).
Karpman triangle in psychology
The Karpman triangle is an interpersonal model that best describes codependent relationships.
A similar term was introduced back in the 1960s by a follower of transactional analysis, psychoanalyst Stephen Karpman. According to his thought, all interactions of participants can be analyzed through the roles they use in the relationship. A change of roles in this case is quite natural. In the case of a triangle, a pathological model of interaction is described, in which the productive development of a couple is impossible. The only option is to get out of the Karpman triangle, because in relationships roles are constantly changing and a codependent couple can move in one circle for several years, without progress or moving to another level.
A psychological triangle can revolve around two or three people or entire groups. Since all participants are manipulators in one way or another, the roles are constantly changing - the cycle can continue forever, causing each of the codependents a lot of inconvenience.
There are three roles of the triangle:
- Victim. The main purpose of the victim is suffering. This is an inert person who constantly feels injustice, uncertainty, and fear. However, the victim lacks the strength or resources to somehow change his life.
- Controller, dictator, aggressor or persecutor. Sees life as a source of problems. Constantly criticizes, controls loved ones, experiences anger and irritation.
- Rescuer. Feels pity for the victim and anger towards the aggressor. Takes on the mission to correct the situation, to help other participants, and therefore considers himself superior to others. In fact, his need is illusory, because he does not provide real help, but only asserts himself at the expense of the situation. Therefore, it is important to know, including how to get out of the rescuer role if you are an outside observer.
How does this codependency work and what is its essence? The aggressor controls the victim, criticizes and bullies. The victim suffers, suffers, complains. The rescuer advises, consoles, scolds the aggressor. Each participant sees the problem in someone else and endlessly tries to change the person to serve their goals. To understand how this can be dealt with and why the psychodramatic triangle seriously poisons life, let’s analyze it using real stories.
Saying goodbye to being a victim
“The life of someone who has given up the role of victim becomes truly fulfilling.
A person begins to breathe deeply when he discovers that a lot depends on him and a lot does not depend on him. For example, he can keep his distance from toxic people and get closer to those who are able to share their warmth, support in difficult times, with whom he can exchange experience and knowledge. But he is not only unable to magically influence events that go beyond the boundaries of his responsibility, the attitude and mood of those around him, but there is no need to,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
Farewell to the role of the victim may drag on for years, but the one who walks will master the road. “Analyze in what situations you behave like a victim, learn new strategies and tactics of behavior,”
- the psychologist directs.
And he concludes: “In a sense, learned helplessness is pessimism instilled in childhood. But for those who have managed to grow up, nothing prevents them from correcting parental mistakes and developing responsibility and a realistic view of reality.”
The edges of abuse
When the term “abuse” first came into use, it was usually considered exclusively as physical violence against a partner. We now realize that abuse has many sides - psychological, sexual and economic. The boundaries of violence can be so blurred that it can be difficult to distinguish it from excessive care or an obsessive desire to help a partner.
The most insidious type of violence is emotional abuse, which can be so subtle and varied that the manipulator gains almost unlimited control in the relationship, and the victim does not even realize what a dangerous situation he finds himself in. For example, as part of abuse, a person may be forced to constantly compromise, coordinate everything with a partner, apologize and make excuses, endure the imposed will and control of the social circle and location. “You seem to have accepted a secondary role and are diligently controlling yourself, which means you have learned what you need to do to prevent your partner from openly insulting you,” comments psychologist Stephen Stonis, author of Love Without Harm.
A popular manipulation is silent treatment - ignoring and punishing with silence. This behavior is so common in relationships that even people who can hardly be called abusers regularly use this technique to attract the attention of their partner and as a measure of punishment in conflict situations.
However, the consequences of emotional abuse are no less destructive than physical abuse. These include self-esteem issues, anxiety disorders, heart disease, depression, chronic pain and substance abuse.
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