Any relationship is a merger. Interests, feelings, thoughts, bodies. It is a process in which two people constantly exchange energy and experience. One takes something from the other, and thus both learn. But as soon as you cut off the oxygen and merge with your partner a little more, problems begin. Therefore, it is very important to keep your distance in a relationship.
You can love in different ways. Easy and casual, touching and deep, bitter and painful, uncontrollable and chaotic. Everyone does it the way they know how. And although no one taught us this, we know exactly what to do and how to behave.
Yes, you can love in different ways, but everyone wants to do it strongly. Wants to experience the greatest feeling he can. To be covered by a wave that lifts you to heaven. Isn't this what all romantic relationships begin and end for? One is always looking for more and, not getting it, goes to another.
However, like any strong feeling, strong love has its own dangers. Just as anger and horror corrode a person from the inside, so it burns the insides, scorching thoughts. And when her own heart cannot cope, she demands the submission of someone else.
For example, when you love another person very much, you strive to show him how great your feeling is. You can't contain it inside, deal with it. You scream, you cry, you sob! - into the phone about how you can’t live without your lover. How you dedicate every breath you take to his existence. How afraid you are to lose him. And you don’t doubt it for a second, because parting with such a strong feeling is like losing an arm or a leg, losing a part of yourself.
But all these recognitions are not only of an informative nature. Their goal is to force the beloved to share burning love with you. You are partly scared that you can experience such feelings alone, so you strive to pull as many as possible into your black hole.
And when this happens, the distance disappears. There is no more “me” and “you”, there is only strong love. No one belongs to himself, and nothing can be divided into “mine” and “yours” anymore. It’s not even “ours”, it’s something new, alien, abnormal.
There is even an expression for this - “to love to death.” Because strong love cuts off oxygen to the partner, not giving him the opportunity to feel himself, hear his thoughts, understand his heart. At some point, a wave covers him, but no longer lifts him to heaven - it just drowns him.
Therefore, it is very important to maintain distance in a relationship. Do not entangle another with your feelings by hanging a stone around his neck, but give him the opportunity to breathe. And no matter how easy it may sound, keeping distance as a couple is not always so easy. And there are a few small tips on how to control yourself and the level of healthy freedom.
How does distance appear in a relationship?
He seems to look at things differently, gets ready for work too quickly and is constantly preoccupied with something. What is he thinking about?
He ate breakfast almost silently, stroked the dog, scratched it behind the ear. He even devotes more time to the dog. He grabbed the bag, quickly pecked him on the cheek and ran away. He is silent about his problems, and in the evening he will think gloomily about something (silently), or again he will say that he is late at work.
What's happening?
The first thought that comes to a woman’s mind is that he has another one. Otherwise, where does this sudden coldness come from?
But psychologists reassure that this is most likely a banal increase in distance - a completely normal and natural process in relationships.
The distance in a relationship between a man and a woman is relative and can change.
How to let go of your attachment to a man - stop clinging to him, waiting, depending
The most common model of relationships is dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love another, to idealize another, to curse another too... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to imagine that there's anything wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on ourselves, that brings us a lot of suffering and pain. After all, when two people deepen into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other’s deepest wounds and press on the most sore spots.
What causes our dependence in relationships? And what is she hiding underneath? How “inevitable” is our suffering?
If you smiled and thought “well, this is not about me,” do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of dependent relationships are opaque and insidious; it requires focused awareness and the courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown either cold or hot - from a feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically there is a feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which is slowly but surely killing both. Or you often seek salvation in alcohol, food, work, sex or some other external stimulant to distract from your experiences, inability to experience a feeling of true intimacy and love. And the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally... Then take a look, don’t be afraid, look in the face of what may have been repressed from your consciousness, what you have denied about yourself for many years or even “didn’t realize” - your addiction.
Features of manifestation of addiction:
- A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. He cannot imagine himself without a partner. In relationships, it is as if he is complemented to the whole, but at what cost - by renouncing himself. He looks at others as the source of his happiness and completeness of existence. If I'm not happy, he holds someone else responsible for it.
- A dependent person is constantly dependent on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
- It is very difficult for dependent individuals to separate themselves from their partner. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they strive to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance and sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom.
- Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “friendship” of their loved one. They, however, do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person tells another: “I can’t live without you,” that’s not love, that’s manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
- Dependent people are looking for a mate, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that a love relationship will cure them of boredom, melancholy, and lack of meaning in life. They hope that their partner will fill the void in their life. But when we choose a mate, placing similar hopes on her, in the end we cannot avoid hating the person who did not live up to our expectations.
- They are unable to define their psychological boundaries. Addicted people do not know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
- They always try to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, and wear masks of “goodness.” In this way, dependent people try to control the perceptions of other people. But at what cost - betraying your true feelings and needs.
- They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but they listen to the opinions of others.
- They try to become necessary to other people. They often play the role of “rescuers”.
- They are jealous.
- They experience difficulties alone.
- They idealize their partner and become disappointed in him over time.
- Not connected to their dignity and intrinsic value.
- They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
- They believe that the partner must change.
Addiction is a relationship with a fixation on another person.
Codependency in adults occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish relationships with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other as if glued to each other. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.
Strategy of the addicted lover
A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the “beloved” dominate the mind, becoming an extremely valuable idea. Characterized by obsessiveness in behavior and emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants his partner to make him happy (as in the fairy tale: “go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what”...).
The love of an addicted person is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.
There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, a person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fears, while another feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. There is jealousy - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.
The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person in the system of these relationships, without criticism of his condition. Expectation is the first, weak form of “demand”... And demand is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at yourself, at the world, at life, at another person.
A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of the dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems, which are centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of abandonment. By his behavior he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level this is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate “healthy” intimacy. He is afraid of being in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed and experienced mental trauma when showing intimacy with his parents.
In my understanding, love between two people can only take place when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when the relationship comes from freedom.
- Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person . It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Respect your obligations to your loved one, but at the same time allow him to breathe freely.
Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let someone you love go free, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.
- To love is to be there when needed, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. “When two devastated souls meet, they are immediately tired of each other, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).
Partners in such close relationships move closer and further apart during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do so impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This becomes possible through trust and awareness.
- Relationships of Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and their partner) and manipulate. Love means that the person next to you can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to be sick, allowed to make mistakes. Loving a person more than the actions they perform. To be someone they know will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not out of fear and insufficiency. We love not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
- Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on yourself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, frees himself from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.
This is the highest degree of freedom - first of all, internal! When you yourself are free, you respect and appreciate your partner’s freedom. You become a source of freedom...
“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other eliminate any dependencies. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears” (Osho).
If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready to do anything just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to gain inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and don’t find it, there is a simple technique - the technique of gratitude!
Take time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your Soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.
- Why do I thank this man?
- What attracts me to him?
- What happens to me when I communicate with him?
- In what ways are we similar?
- Where is he expanding me? What can I learn from him?
- Why can't I still erase his contact?
- What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?
- What connects us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?
- What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?
- How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?
- What kind of person have I become thanks to my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadows of my consciousness, has found light?
- Can I move on on my own? Bless him and let him go? Do I have love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is still unfinished between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to something that is already in the past?
Male vector in relationships
The role of the breadwinner really left its mark on male emotionality and the male position in any relationship.
For men, maintaining distance in relationships with the opposite sex is a natural and even logical process.
Hard work, earning money and inevitable professional growth do not tolerate emotions, which is naturally projected into relationships.
That is why many representatives of the stronger sex are characterized by a constant change in distance with their partner, sometimes closer, sometimes further.
Prerequisites
In addition to the conditions already listed - the initial stage and high interest - sexual relationships are also important. There must be closeness. Otherwise, a man who has not “tried” a woman will not give his best to keep her. So a woman needs to have time to “get things done” while the boyfriend is at the peak of passion - this is a maximum of four months if people see each other often.
What should you not do when increasing your emotional distance with a man?
- Panic. Under no circumstances should you think that everything is lost and this is the end of the relationship. An inflated emotional state can lead to rash and illogical actions, the consequences of which can be irreversible.
- Get bogged down in soul-searching. If the emotional distance between a man and a woman has suddenly increased, then you should not immediately look for the reason in your own wrong behavior, actions, or words spoken. This will not help solve the problem, but it will easily make it worse.
- Chase him. Very often, the desire for privacy is actually expressed in a man’s intention to temporarily leave his home, take a walk or attend an event alone. There is no need to follow him, thereby causing more negativity in your direction.
- To take revenge. The worst thing you can think of to solve the situation is to behave in a similar way, responding with revenge to the resulting distance: becoming a block of ice and mysteriously disappearing with your girlfriends. This can lead to a break in the emotional connection, which will be difficult to restore.
Listen to yourself: would you like to spend time with someone other than your partner?
If you want to spend all the time you have next to your lover, then things are bad. For some reason, many people are ashamed to admit that they want to meet with friends more than they want to lie on the couch with their partner, although there is nothing wrong with that. Having love does not guarantee that your significant other will always be a wonderful conversationalist who is in good spirits and ready to listen to everything you want to talk about. But if even in such a situation you still choose a partner rather than emotional release, it means that you are fixated on each other and it’s time to take at least a day’s timeout. After all, falling in love is sometimes much worse than not loving.
Distance in a relationship is necessary!
When your emotional distance fluctuates up or down, remember: everything will return to normal!
It is only important to show wisdom in time, giving the partner the opportunity to emotionally distance himself and restore himself, to help him independently find his comfort zone.
Share your story!
What cases do you know where distance in a relationship strengthened a couple?
Approach the problem together
“Many couples fall into the collision trap with each other during times of trouble in their marriage,” Ball says. - When both partners are minding only their own business, they can turn into enemies. This approach doesn’t solve the problem, and it certainly doesn’t create a strong connection.”
So the moment you feel like you're slowly growing apart, try to be closer to each other instead. Try to solve any problems you have together, this unites and unites, creating strong relationships.
Find time to talk
However, you don't have to talk about the problem 24/7 or bombard each other with information all day, as this can lead to overwork and frustration.
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Instead, "agree to set a time on your calendar in advance when it's mutually convenient to talk about what's going on." That's the view of Helena Plater-Zyberk, co-founder of the emotional support network Supportiv.
“Schedule a time to talk, such as a simple activity that you both look forward to—a walk in the park or a trip to the ice cream shop. By planning ahead, you can reduce the stress of talking about difficult circumstances,” advises Helena.
Come up with a plan of action
For example, you and your partner are faced with a difficult situation outside of your relationship. Maybe one of you has lost your job or something difficult is happening outside - for example, due to family problems. It may help to develop a game plan that is broken down into smaller chunks so you can figure out how to solve them, or at least deal with them.
“Breaking something huge into smaller pieces will feel more manageable and less overwhelming,” Venkunaite says. “Tackling a problem together and coming together to create a plan to get through difficult times will create a stronger connection between you and your partner.”
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Take time to have fun
To lift your spirits and remember why you're together, you might want to have a good time. “Play and fun are important components of a healthy relationship,” Elizabeth Earnshaw, licensed marriage and family therapist. So make it a priority to have fun together and you will realize how much you need each other.
“This could mean setting aside one day a week to go outside together, or it could mean spending an hour having fun at home, playing board games, watching a movie, having a snack together,” says Earnshaw. “When life is hard, it doesn’t mean every moment has to be hard.” This way you can get through difficult times in your relationship and rediscover one happiness for two.
