Personal boundaries are conscious separation of one's "I" from other people. A person with stable personal boundaries understands his feelings and emotions well, and knows how to fight back. He knows that mistreatment will not be tolerated.
Personal space is an equally important concept in psychology; it means intimate territory in which a person feels protected. Some people need more personal space to live comfortably, while others need less. It all depends on temperament and character.
Why do people violate other people's boundaries?
By penetrating your “territory” physically or psychologically, a person gains temporary power over you. Manipulators take advantage of this and shamelessly achieve their goals at your expense.
By invading the world of another person, border violators acquire various benefits for themselves:
- Material benefits. You are persuaded to buy products you don't need or asked to do some work for free.
- Services. There are many variations here - from babysitting to baking a wedding cake. The manipulator is convinced that such services should not be paid for, since they are friendly or related.
- Self-affirmation. Power over someone else's personal space gives the boundary violator confidence. By keeping other people under control, he imitates his own importance in the lives of relatives, colleagues, even strangers.
Most often, personal space is invaded by those who themselves were the object of someone else’s manipulation, especially in childhood. Without a clear idea of personal boundaries, they unceremoniously interfere in other people's lives.
Optimal choice of personal zone
This distance is suitable for confidential communication. It can range from 50 cm to 0.5 m. The personal zone is used for contact with strangers. There is also public distancing. In this case, people who are at a distance of 7 m are not perceived as personal space. The line of the personal zone is very thin and fragile, it can easily be violated. Some people perceive certain gestures as an intrusion into their area, others would not pay any attention to them.
Read more: Psychology of family relationships
The reaction to an invasion of a personal zone depends on the person’s nationality, the environment in which he grew up, and the behavior of his family. When a temperamental southerner meets a reserved northerner, a conflict may occur: the southerner perceives intimate distance as social. Based on this, he may accidentally invade the northerner’s intimate space (through his gestures). The latter will perceive this as an invasion of his personal zone, as a result of which the northerner may show some kind of defensive reaction. Also, a normal distance for a European will seem like detachment in the eyes of an Eastern person.
Everyone chooses their own distance for communication, because all people are very different. Sometimes you can observe a situation when, during a conversation, one tries to get closer, the other tries to move away. Most likely, the first interlocutor is violating the personal zone; this is unpleasant for his opponent. Thus, he tries to restore his personal zone.
Signs of violation of personal space and boundaries
When a stranger moves too close to you in the subway or supermarket, you feel uncomfortable. This is natural, because the brain immediately recognizes the “stranger”. It is much more difficult to understand when personal boundaries are crossed by loved ones: friends, spouses, relatives.
Consider if they do the following:
- They try to constantly be with you, not allowing you to be alone.
- They care about you excessively - they give you unnecessary gifts, indicate what is best to do, who to communicate with.
- Calling or texting too often.
- Check the contents of your mobile phone.
- They devalue your problems and desires.
- They criticize your appearance and behavior.
- They compare you to someone else.
- They are trying to change you.
- Taking advantage of your hospitality or kindness.
- They ignore you, treat you arrogantly or dismissively.
If at least one point is repeated regularly, it means that your personal space is violated.
Partners consider their situation hopeless
It is this attitude towards marriage that is selfish and immature. It’s like running out of a burning house and not calling the fire department - why do anything, since the fire has already started anyway and nothing can be saved. The relationship itself will not change if you leave it to chance. “I’d rather get a divorce than communicate with this monster” - where is the guarantee that the next prince will not turn out to be the same monster after five years of relationship? And all because someone does not dare to talk about emotions and needs out loud, or considers spending time together useless.
Why do we allow our personal boundaries to be violated?
We subconsciously respect those who respect themselves. No one will dare to manipulate a person who always behaves with dignity and independence. But self-esteem is often suppressed from childhood, when the child is under the control of overly strict parents.
Later four more factors are added:
- Guilt. The fear of offending another person makes you submit to other people's manipulations.
- Fear of being rejected. In search of love or approval, we accept other people's demands, neglect our own desires, and humiliate ourselves.
- False sense of duty. Many people live in the belief that they are obliged to sacrifice their interests for the benefit of others.
- Feeling safe. A person says “yes”, although internally he wants to answer “no”. In this way, he ensures his safety, fearing that he might be fired or punished.
Often people who suffer from violations of their boundaries do not respect other people's personal space. Realizing this, they are tormented by a feeling of guilt: “I offend my husband all the time, but he loves me so much! I’m a bad mother, I don’t love my children enough!”
Here it is worth relying on the wisdom from Spiritual Economy: “Do not be in debt to anyone. Let your only duty be the duty of love for each other. He who loves his neighbor will fulfill the law” (ERV, Rom. 13:8). This means that a sincerely loving person will not wish his loved ones suffering from interference in their personal lives. On the contrary, he will do everything to avoid it.
What determines the size of the so-called boundaries?
The size of the boundaries depends on the density and size of our biofield. Density in this case has priority.
If the field is dense, then there is good protection; if the field is “broken,” then there is no such protection.
What is protection needed from?
From the energies emitted by another person, from his thoughts charged with negativity, from his experiences.
If there is no protection, then his energy calmly penetrates our field and begins to rule there.
I would like to note one thing: if a person does not have any negative vibrations of his own, then strangers will not be able to have a strong influence.
In this case, “like attracts like” works. If the thinking style is more negative and a person expects troubles in his life, then they come.
Although, as a person himself, it seems that if he thinks about any troubles, it is only for the purpose of prevention.
But the universe takes everything literally - you thought about nasty things - you get nasty things!
But back to boundaries, do you need to somehow increase your boundaries?
In my opinion, it is a must!
Your own self-respect, dignity - all these feelings about yourself increase the boundaries of your own personal space.
People who have less of it will “compress” even more in order to increase the density of their field. This means that your influence on other people will be more significant.
The most important thing is to use it for good!
I look forward to your feedback, what do you think about your own personal space boundaries?
Who most often violates a person’s personal boundaries?
There are three types of people who do not respect other people's space:
- Manipulators. By subjugating others, they pursue their own benefit - material or psychological. Their actions are conscious and often well thought out.
- Provocateurs. They are introduced into someone else's space intentionally, with the goal of causing indignation or anger. By provoking others to aggression, these people gain a sense of self-worth.
- Ignorant. They can hurt your feelings with an insensitive statement or a tactless act. But they do not act out of malice - they simply have a low communication culture.
Sometimes even well-mannered people can break boundaries. The cause is an unusual situation - conflict or stress.
Types of invasion of privacy
There are three options for introducing the public or government agencies into a person’s private life.
Intrusion into personal affairs
This offense may take the form of:
- staying on someone else's territory without the consent of its owner (Article 139 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation);
- surveillance of a person with photo and video recording.
There is a small nuance: if a reporter films a story for the media and records random passersby in it, such an act is not a criminal offense. Punishment is provided only for shooting secretly, purposefully, using special equipment.
Even if a person does not disclose the information received, but uses it for his own purposes, his actions will also be considered crimes (Article 138 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation).
Copying appearance
During advertising events, unscrupulous organizations and entrepreneurs can use the reputation of famous personalities (Article 137 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation):
- their photos and videos;
- names and autographs.
This information is placed on leaflets and websites, banners, and videos and is used to attract attention and build confidence in the product among citizens.
Dissemination of private data
For the purpose of making money, revenge, or as a form of psychological pressure, attackers can distribute personal information of a person without his consent:
- information from correspondence and conversations;
- private photos;
- video from life;
- facts from biography, etc.
These acts are criminally punishable. In this case, the court, when passing a sentence, does not take into account how personal information was disseminated.
How to Define Personal Boundaries
The first thing that helps to outline personal space is your own feelings. Think about what situations you can tolerate and what makes you uncomfortable. If someone behaves in a way that makes you feel hurt, humiliated, or devalued, then that person has violated your boundaries.
You can write a list of your own rules of behavior, for example:
- I do not resolve work issues after 19.00.
- You can't call me later than 20.00.
- Friends should call and ask if they can come visit me at least 24 hours in advance.
- I don't do other people's work, not even my kids' homework.
- If I don't like someone's request, I immediately answer: “No.”
There are these words in Spiritual Economics: “Make the path of your feet level, and all your ways will be sure” (NRT, Prov. 4:26). Clearly established rules will save you from other people’s encroachments on your peace of mind and give you self-confidence.
Zoning of personal space2
One's own zone is a person's desire to sometimes be away from the proximity of other people. For example, sometimes on a bus you can notice that a person chooses a seat in such a way that no one sits next to him. He is so comfortable and comfortable. Own space is divided into intimate, personal, social and public zones.
If you extend your arm, the intimate area will be located. This is approximately half a meter. The intimate personal zone includes the family and closest people: children, parents, relatives, spouse.
The personal zone covers a radius of half a meter to one and a half meters. This includes friends, as well as well-known people.
The radius of the social zone ranges from one and a half to four meters. It is the most distant zone in space related to the individual.
How to withstand pressure from loved ones
The most difficult thing to resist is the toxic behavior of relatives. They consider themselves entitled to interfere in your life - give unsolicited advice, come without warning, demand attention to themselves when you are tired.
A technique consisting of three steps will help you outline your boundaries:
- "I see". Honestly tell your interlocutor how you perceive the situation that is uncomfortable for you.
- "I feel". Describe your feelings so that your opponent understands that his behavior caused you pain.
- "I think". Calmly express your thoughts on this matter.
Are you afraid of offending your relatives by marking your boundaries? But Spiritual Economics tells us: “The angry must be punished; if you let him go, you will have to punish him again” (NRT, Prov. 19:19). You shouldn’t protect other people’s feelings at the expense of your own. Try to speak calmly, without accusations or aggression. If your family truly loves you, they will understand everything correctly.
Building and protecting personal boundaries is not an easy task. If you lack determination or psychological knowledge on this topic, take the Life Navigator online training. Our teachers will teach you how to create a healthy personal space filled with peace and spiritual harmony.
Situation 1. The child is forced to finish eating
Forcibly feeding a child or forcing him to finish eating is a violation of his physical boundaries. By this we inform him that he should not trust his bodily sensations (hunger, satiety), but an external observer (mom, dad, grandmother), who for some reason knows better about this.
Violation of physical boundaries is everything that has to do with the body and bodily sensations.
Here are other examples of intrusion into these boundaries:
The child is forced to sleep: through intimidation, threats, and persuasion.
They rummage through things without permission, look through personal messages, check their phone.
Physical punishment is used. Even a light slap on the bottom can cause a child to feel humiliated and helpless, and subsequently lead to the conviction that “I can be hit if I behave ‘wrong’.”
Situation 2. The child is forcibly taken to classes
Every person, even if he is still a child, has the right to his own hobbies and his own way of thinking. This is also a kind of personal space, which is protected from others by intellectual boundaries.
If parents, after kindergarten or school, drag their child, who is resting on both feet, to the piano, drawing, or chess class, they are violating his personal boundaries.
Every person, even if he is still a child, has the right to his own hobbies and his own way of thinking.
Yes, perhaps this develops and opens up some roads in the future, but the harm may be greater, and the energy will be wasted. There are many examples when a diploma received for parents gathers dust in the closet, and a child who has completed music studies shudders at the mere mention of music.
Intellectual boundaries are violated if:
The child is forbidden to express his opinion: “The milk on your lips has not yet dried, sit and keep quiet.”
His statements are ridiculed and unjustifiably criticized: “What do you understand?”
He is forced to read books that are not interesting to him: “I know better what you need.”
Situation 3. The child is forbidden to cry
Parents can prohibit their child from crying, as well as from being angry, laughing, sad or expressing any other emotions. In this case, emotional boundaries suffer.
If a child suppresses anger or pretends that he is not offended, this does not mean that he has stopped being angry or offended. It’s just that emotions are driven into a dark corner, from which they will sooner or later emerge in a distorted form in the form of incomprehensible whims, chronic irritation with parents and even illnesses.
It’s just that emotions are driven into a dark corner, from which they will sooner or later emerge in a distorted form in the form of incomprehensible whims, chronic irritation with parents and even illnesses.
The task of parents is not to suppress emotions, but to teach them to express them safely for others and for the child himself. How to do this is the topic of a separate article.
The following statements interfere with asserting emotional boundaries:
"A boy shouldn't cry."
"A girl should always be kind."
“Being angry is bad.”
