Hello, dear readers! What do you do when winter sets in in your relationships with loved ones? Some people prefer to consult with friends. Others choose forums. Some people completely withdraw and begin to delve into themselves. It’s good, of course, when you have the opportunity to visit a good psychologist. However, relatives are often stubborn, and it is difficult to find a real specialist. What to do? Books on family psychology will help! I have prepared for you the top most useful and interesting works. I'll tell you a little about each of them.
"The Map of Love" (John Gottman)
The author became famous for learning to predict divorce just by looking at people. The accuracy is amazing: 90%! How did John do this? For almost 15 years, he observed married couples and their relationships. He measured physical indicators and looked at what was happening in the body during quarrels or peaceful conversations. John can safely be called a psychologist scientist.
“The Map of Love” teaches you to return passion and maintain mutual respect. John does not make sweet promises and universal solutions to all problems. He honestly admits: there are insurmountable obstacles. However, Gottman helps to sort out most of the contradictions, and gives recommendations regarding the rest.
"WE. The Deepest Aspects of Romantic Love"
The famous American psychologist Robert Johnson, starting in 2000, began to study the nature of love. He described his observations and corresponding conclusions in detail in his book about family relationships.
Robert Johnson believes that romance and the very state of falling in love is a kind of psychological phenomenon. This is a period when, when communicating with a person of the heart, we expand and learn the meaning of our life. But at the same time, we necessarily experience disappointment in love.
A book about family relationships by Robert Johnson describes the origins of romantic illusions and the real picture of mature love. After reading, many questions disappear and some actions of a person dear to the heart become clear. There are specific and very effective tips that will help you overcome difficult periods in the life of an already mature family.
"How to Save Your Family Boat" (Cloud Thousand)
How often does your temper interfere with your life? Surely each of us has once done something out of emotion that we later regretted. Cloud offers to restore harmony using simple techniques. The style is a bit heavy, but it is not necessary to read it together. This is important in cases where the partner does not want to acknowledge reality at all.
After reading, we ourselves become a little psychologists. You can never have too much wisdom, so don't give up on books. Have you read anything from the list? What I liked most was the Peases' "handbook." There will be answers to any question. Soon I will make another interesting selection. See you again!
“You and your family. Personal Growth Guide"
This is one of the best books about family relationships from American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. The author answers far from simple questions and touches on current issues. On the pages of the book you can find specific and effective advice that will help you dot all the i's when communicating with a loved one.
In her book about family relationships between husband and wife, Virginia describes our usual everyday life - dullness, hopelessness and why they are taken for granted. Many people have long decided for themselves that marriage is a routine and obligatory job without weekends or holidays.
The author destroys these stereotypes in his book about family relationships and offers many solutions both at the initial stage of problems and at a later stage. Both men and women will find answers to their questions here.
The work is very easy to read, especially since pages with practical advice are replaced by real life examples and contribute to a better perception of the essence of behavioral psychology. The book about family relationships by Virginia Satir is written without pathos, fluff, or an edifying tone, which is something psychologists often do. On every page you will find sincerity, simplicity, and at the same time thoroughness. What is written will open the eyes to the peculiarities of family ups and downs even for those who are not closely familiar with psychology.
TOP 10 great books about family relationships
All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Leo Tolstoy, "War and the People"
One can and should argue with these words of a descendant of the head of the Secret Chancellery of Peter the Great. People are similar to each other and in human relationships, both successful and failed, certain patterns can always be traced.
Yes, in every family certain decisions are always situational, as they depend on a great variety of diverse factors. But the experience of generations, the knowledge of psychologists, the heritage of the Church, as well as the recipes of our modern spouses, who devoted decades of life to each other and managed to “raise” several children, can save us from many “bumps” on the difficult marital path.
Russian fairy tales usually end with the wedding of the main hero and heroine: “and they lived happily ever after and died on the same day.” But this is how they managed to live 10, 20, 50 years in marriage and continue to love each other, how they were able to raise children, how they resolved the issue of caring for elderly parents, how they combined home and work, and finally, how they became such a single whole that even in At the moment of death, they did not want to be separated from each other - fairy tales are silent about this.
But on the eve of the Day of Family, Love and Fidelity (July 8), we will try to introduce our readers to the works of family consultants, psychologists, priests and writers who answer these questions in their books. We hope this will help you harmoniously build your “small church”!
1. “Mathematics of family life. Two views on a happy marriage"
The Burmistrovs have lived together for many years, raised 11 children, and have been running a Family Club and an online school for parents for many years. In their book, they alternately present male and female views on the problems of the modern family, complementing each other.
The book was written by church-going people who, however, are not trying to impose on the family patterns of behavior gleaned from widespread monastic literature. Even in the patristic heritage, they find family recipes for the family. Their "Mathematics..." not only talks about important things, but more importantly, talks about them in accessible language.
“If spouses enter deeply into the experience of physical intimacy and live it together, the sacrament of tender and joyful communication occurs. Despite all the changes that inevitably occur with age, under no circumstances should this area of the relationship be pushed aside, abandoned, neglected, or subjected to some kind of repression,” the couple note.
2. "Home Church"
The author of this book is professor, archpriest Gleb Kaleda, who in his youth married the daughter of his executed confessor. They lived a long and happy life with their mother, and when their children grew up, Father Gleb decided to leave a parting message to family life for the generation of his grandchildren in the form of this work.
“For those who are married and for those living in the parental home, the primary unit of the Universal Church should be the family, the small, home church; in it our work to acquire the Kingdom of Heaven is accomplished. The Apostle Paul repeatedly wrote about the home church (1 Cor. 16:19; Col. 4:15; paragraph 1, etc.).
However, patristic literature created after the 4th century. mainly by monks, almost does not touch upon issues of family life and building a home church,” wrote Father Gleb in the preface to the publication, explaining the purpose of his literary work.
“Monasticism is useful for those who are rich in love, and an ordinary person learns love in marriage. One girl wanted to go to a monastery, but the elder told her: “You don’t know how to love, get married.” When getting married, you need to be prepared for a daily, hourly feat of love. A person loves not the one who loves him, but the one he cares about, and caring for another increases the love for this other. Love within a family grows through mutual care. The differences in the abilities and capabilities of family members, the complementarity of the psychology and physiology of husband and wife create an urgent need for active and attentive love for each other,” the priest wrote.
3. “Words. Volume IV. Family life"
This book incorporates the teachings of a modern saint, whose earthly journey ended on Mount Athos only at the end of the 20th century - St. Paisius the Holy Mountain.
Elder Paisios lived a long monastic life, choosing this path in his youth. But he paid the closest attention to the problems of the Christian family in the modern world, full of temptations.
“God especially loves large families. He takes special care of them. In a large family, children are given many favorable opportunities for normal development - provided that their parents raise them correctly. One child in a large family helps another. The eldest daughter helps her mother, the middle one looks after the youngest, and so on. That is, such children give themselves to each other and live in an atmosphere of sacrifice and love. The younger one loves and respects the older one. This love and respect is cultivated naturally in a large family.
Therefore, if there is only one or two children in a family, then parents need to be very attentive to how they raise them. Usually [in such small families] parents try to ensure that their children do not need anything. Such children have everything they want, and thus grow up completely unsuited to anything,” the saint wrote.
4. “Three pillars of family happiness. Conversations about family and marriage"
“The hierarchy of the family, the primacy of the husband in the family is a very painful topic in our time. In foreign countries, where feminism has long won a complete victory, there is an unspoken veto on this topic. It is unthinkable to say or write that a man is the head of the family. Husband and wife are considered only as equal partners in a business project called family.
Even in Christian psychological literature on the topic of family and marriage, published for example in America, the issue of family hierarchy is carefully avoided. This is despite the fact that Protestants know the Bible, one might say, by heart, and of course they know all the places of Holy Scripture that talk about family hierarchy: Gen. 3:16, 1 Pet. 3:1, Eph. 5:22-24, Col. 3:18, etc. But, nevertheless, political correctness is above all,” says priest Pavel Gumerov in his book “Three Pillars of Family Happiness...”.
“The first and most important thing: love and a correct understanding of this concept, because not everyone knows what true love is. The second is a correct understanding of the goals and objectives of family life. And thirdly, the correct family hierarchy. Family life is built on these three, so to speak, “pillars”,” Father Pavel highlights the main important aspects of family relationships.
In his book you can find not only answers to questions about family hierarchy, cultivating love and family conflicts. Separate chapters are devoted to raising children and relationships with the wife’s and husband’s own parents.
5. “Once and for a lifetime. Conversations with high school students"
The book by Archpriest Ilya Shugaev examines the basics of family life and resolves a number of questions: what is the difference between love and falling in love, what is first love, how to choose a spouse, how many children should there be, what destroys a family, what should be the internal structure of a family.
His book grew out of conversations with high school youth who grew up in a modern culture of pluralism and were lost in the basic worldviews of “family,” “marriage,” and “love.” Father Ilya tries to reveal them on the basis of Christian family experience.
“I think all of you are hoping to get married for love. Indeed, it is terrible to marry an unloved person. Even if someone can assume this about themselves, it probably seems like something extremely undesirable. For example, a girl cannot get married for a long time, and finally marries the first person who proposes to her. It is clear that this is a forced decision, and under normal conditions, if her age had not pressed her, she would not have taken such a step. So, I am sure everyone hopes to get married for love.
But the purpose of my conversation today is to tell you one very important truth. I would not be afraid to say that ignorance of this truth is the cause of almost all divorces. What is this truth? Since it is important to us, I will write it on the board in large letters. So: getting married for love is impossible!
Moreover, I would even say that not a single person on earth has ever married for love. It sounds somewhat unpleasant and scary. What almost every young person hopes for turns out to be impossible,” notes Father Ilya, separating the concept of “falling in love” (feelings) from the concept of “love” (process).
6. "Love, Marriage and Family"
“It is important to understand that marriage does not happen, but is accomplished. It is carried out due to the mutual (synergic) participation of God and man. At the same time, God’s love always acts in full accordance with the spiritual state of a person. Therefore, marriage is a divine-human mystery,” writes professor of theology Alexey Ilyich Osipov in his next book, which he decided to devote to understanding marital relations.
“Marriage is always and everywhere a marriage. From the very beginning of human existence, it has been blessed by God and remains so always, regardless of what convictions and beliefs those who enter into it adhere to. And for sincerely believing Christians entering into marriage, the Church has also established a special beneficial means of grace in their life together, in their labors and deeds - the sacrament of marriage, the wedding. Entire Councils, for example, the Council of Gangra (340), anathematized those who denigrated marriage. And how wonderfully marriage is performed, not only in Orthodoxy, but also in all other religions that know nothing about Christianity!” the professor adds, noting the importance of marriage.
As always, Alexey Ilyich bases his judgments on the strict laws of logic and the texts of Holy Scripture, and presents his thoughts in a very clear way for the reader.
7. “You and me. Love and infatuation. Christian view"
“There is an opinion that, from the point of view of church teaching, intimate relationships between a man and a woman are themselves unclean due to the damage of human nature after the Fall. Is it so? Turning to the Holy Scriptures, we will find that we are not talking about anything like that,” writes Archpriest Maxim Pervozvansky in his book on marital relations.
“When talking about the everyday trials that newlyweds may well face, one cannot help but mention such a “pitfall” as living under the same roof with their parents. I am deeply convinced: from the very beginning, a newly formed family should strive to live separately, even if there are no problems in relationships with parents at all, and even more so if they exist,” adds Father Maxim in the chapter “On the important details of a happy life.”
Father Maxim’s many years of experience communicating with youth audiences and married couples, as well as his experience as editor-in-chief of the popular youth magazine “Heir,” helped him create a series of fascinating literary conversations about falling in love, love, the meaning and goals of marriage.
8. “Conversation about family life”
“What does the Orthodox Church tell us regarding what marriage is in its ideal? Namely, what she wants, our Church, is to always and with everyone, at least with all Christians, if they are real Christians: for there to be an ideal family life, which means that love always reigns completely and completely and overcomes human isolation , would overcome all the difficulties of human lonely life and would be replenished with herself in family unity. The Apostle Paul calls every Christian family a small church. This is the whole point,” said Bishop Vasily (Rodzianko).
He especially noted that marriage must have a solid and pure foundation: “In order for a marriage to be real, in order for a marriage to be truly successful, successful and happy, it must be a church, a church in the full sense of the word. Believing husband and wife, before that the bride and groom, after that parents, must by their very existence, by their very life, by the very interpenetration of soul and body, create a unity that is indestructible and sealed by love, a love that embraces everything.”
9. “Fill your life with love. How to learn to love and create a happy family"
Dmitry Gennadievich Semenik in his book invites readers to rethink some of the cliches that exist in the minds of a modern person, depriving him of love and making him unhappy and sick: you cannot create a family if you don’t know what it’s like to love.
Semenik's book touches on issues not only of love and family, but also themes of good and evil, depression, selfishness, relationships with parents, and cohabitation outside of marriage.
“At the moment when two people, a man and a woman, understand that they want to be together, they often do not have the money for a luxurious wedding and a comfortable family life. Many people put off starting a family under this pretext. And some do it even simpler - they start a life together, hoping to get married later, when the money has accumulated. Such decisions are based on one of two reasons. One of the two, or both, is deceitful.”
10. “Life after marriage. How to build family happiness"
Archpriest Andrei Lorgus and Olga Mikhailovna Krasnikova conceived this book as an explanation of how miraculously two completely separate people, two creatures of different sexes become one. Family.
The authors of the book talk about the difficulties of the honeymoon and the crises of a mature family, talk about the structure of the house, about marital intimacy, about family celebrations, the effect of the “empty nest” and about the family as a small church.
“Possession of power is not a privilege or victory over another, but a responsibility for the performance of a particular function. Power in the family is a necessary quality of family relationships, which ensures the successful execution, for example, of the functions of control and compliance with orders and rules or the function of distributing finances, managing the household, and maintaining boundaries. Without power it is impossible to perform these functions.
So, if the husband does not have power, he cannot protect the boundaries of the family or protect children from deviant behavior in society. If the wife does not have power, she cannot even monitor the cleanliness of the children. Power is the ability to responsibly solve the problems that life poses and implement rules and regulations. Where there is no power, there is no morality. Anarchy breeds irresponsibility and permissiveness,” the authors note.
We hope that these books will help you take the right approach to creating your family, strengthen your marriage and harmonize your relationships with your children and parents!
Also read: Bishop Philip: About the dearest Easter and service in the “Provincial” diocese.
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“Who should I give the apple to?”
Another sensible book about family relationships from domestic authors - Leonid Zharov and Svetlana Ermakova. The manual is perfect for those who are used to thinking, analyzing and carefully reading the material.
But the need for such an approach does not mean at all that the book was written with an eye on the reader’s knowledge in some psychological aspects. There is no complex language here, no originality inherent in such reading material, no fancy turns of phrase, only understandable and, as they say, human language.
However, the format of the book is somewhat different from the usual literature on psychology. On each page you will find thoughts, sketches and short stories where a thorough analysis of situations is carried out and options for solving problems are proposed.
"Why do men lie and women cry"
Psychologists and at the same time spouses Alan and Barbara Pease know from their own experience what a family is and what problems it faces. The authors talk about complex things in simple and accessible language. There are no flowery phrases, extracts from some scientific treatises, or anything that the average reader cannot understand.
That is why books by these authors are flying off the shelves like hot cakes. Readers who are not accustomed to boring moral teachings, but who respect detailed specifics, leave entirely positive feedback about this work.
The book contains a lot of real examples, many “uncomfortable” and sensitive topics, as well as a decent amount of humor, which harmoniously complements a high percentage of high-quality and truly useful information.
"Conflicts in the family"
Andrey Kurpatov is respected by readers of different age categories and life beliefs. The popularity of the writer, and at the same time the psychotherapist, is due to the simple and understandable presentation of the material.
Andrey Kurpatov explains fundamental things in an accessible way, and the phrase “family happiness” will no longer look so philosophical after reading this book about family relationships, but will acquire more than clear features.
Page by page you will delve into the origins of personal problems, comprehend your mistakes and take a firm step towards a new life. The book touches on almost all areas of family relationships: sex life, jealousy, addictions, lack of initiative, roles, etc.
The text is not distinguished by long and extensive discussions. Every question in this book about family relationships is explained with utmost clarity and honesty. Moreover, specific examples are given from the lives of real Russian people whom we see on the streets every day.
"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"
John Gray is a US-based relationship counselor, psychology teacher, and author of many works in the field of personal relationships. One of Gray's most high-profile books, which became a bestseller, is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”
Judging by the responses on the forums, this work completely changes the reader’s consciousness. The book saved many people from divorce, taught them to understand not only their significant other, but also themselves, and at the same time became a reference guide for solving and preventing family conflicts. Men and women who are looking for a way to save their marriage or improve their relationship should definitely pay attention to it.
Distinctive features of the book
The book touches on all aspects of family relationships. Why do we love? How and why do we make mistakes? How do we justify ourselves and our mistakes? On the pages of the book you will find effective advice on what and how to change in your picture of the world to improve family relationships.
Here you will see women who carry themselves, their children, their alcoholic husband, and everyday life on their shoulders all their lives. Moreover, they step on this rake with enviable consistency, and do not look back at the sad experiences of mothers, friends and acquaintances. There are also men who constantly connect their lives with the “wrong” women who suck all the juice out of them.
The authors discuss, analyze and give specific advice for solving such problems. For readers who are honest with themselves and are ready for dialogue, this book will be an excellent tool for finding happiness in family life.
Alice Bowman "Happily Ever After"
The popular American writer and journalist in this book on the psychology of family relationships gives advice to couples who want to protect their marriage from serious problems and extend the romantic relationship of the initial stage of dating for life. Alice Bowman had to face the difficulties of family relationships herself. The woman was on the verge of divorcing her husband, and it seemed to her that it was impossible to fall in love again with a person towards whom at times you feel hatred.
Nevertheless, having pulled themselves together, the couple found the strength to resolve the difficulties of mutual understanding and saved the family. The author’s universal recommendations help to renew relationships that are fading from everyday worries and prevent a breakup.
Distinctive features of the book
Take, for example, such a widespread stereotype as women’s “sawing.” The authors competently explain why a good half of wives are forced to act as a “sawmill,” while husbands do not sin like that. It tells us exactly what types of “brain damage” there are and how to finally say goodbye to this problem.
Another important nuance that the authors place special emphasis on is a realistic approach to solving the question: “We don’t know how to talk about this?” The age-old problem is considered: the wife wants her husband to understand her hints, while he is accustomed to directness and does not pay attention to her grievances.
Similar and other minor issues that lead many families to a dead end are considered and resolved here. The book is not without the vicissitudes of sexual life. The authors raise this burning topic without hypocrisy and help achieve family harmony.
Natalya Tolstaya “Men’s secrets that you need to know before living happily ever after”
Misunderstandings that arise between spouses quite often lead to disappointment, resentment, misconceptions, and mistakes. One of the main reasons for misunderstandings in family life is the specificity of the thought processes of the male and female brains. A man, when committing an act, does not think that his wife can interpret his actions completely differently.
The same thing happens with women. Certified psychologist, writer Natalya Tolstaya, in the pages of her book on family psychology for women, helps representatives of the fairer sex understand the vision of problems relating to intimate family issues from a male point of view.
Features of the book
Gary Chapman took as a basis five types, or, as the title says, languages of love, from which he builds throughout the book. They help to look at the situation from a completely different perspective and gently push the reader towards analysis.
The author believes that any drama that has played out or is just looming over a family can be dispelled by one or more love languages:
- Encouragement.
- Presents.
- With help.
- Time.
- By touch.
Each of us is vulnerable to one of these languages, and Gary Chapman gives detailed answers on how to figure it out and avoid family conflicts. There are no abstract or fantastic instructions here that are not applicable in real life. The author gives specific and competent advice.
"Five Love Languages"
Gary Chapman has a degree in philosophy and is one of the most sought-after marriage and marriage counselors in the United States. The book radically changes the reader and his views on everyday life. If you want to understand the motives or subtleties of the soul of women and men, then this work is a must read.
Many married couples changed their attitude to life after reading this book: they abandoned divorces, breakups and radically changed their relationships for the better. "The Five Love Languages" is a kind of manual for desperate couples.
The book is written in clear and easy to read language. There are no “heavy” phrases, scientific excerpts or other abstruse things here. From the first to the last chapter, you will feel like a full participant in the events and fully understand what is being said and what the author wants to convey to you.
