Other people's anger inevitably makes us feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter whether we become angry in response or simply become confused, not knowing how to react in a difficult situation. The important thing is that we are deprived of our inner harmony and find ourselves in a dangerous situation, where a skilled manipulator can easily catch us and make us out to be a provocateur, an initiator of conflict, and even a mentally unbalanced person. This article will tell you how to deal with another person's anger.
To begin with, you should know that there are 2 types of aggression:
- Open - this includes those cases where a person directly insults, raises his voice and provokes conflict.
- Hidden, this includes unflattering remarks, unsolicited advice and attempts to impose one’s own vision of the situation.
Where does anger come from?
Calming another person's anger is not an easy task. First you need to understand what caused it. Most often, an irritated person needs to give vent to his emotions. Perhaps he had been bullied at work not long ago, but speaking out to his boss was dangerous. Or the aggressor simply constantly suppresses his emotions, due to the fact that he is surrounded by stronger people, from a mental point of view. Any aggressor needs a victim. Someone confused and not knowing how to respond. No less than the victim, he needs a response from her. The very emotions that he will “feed” on, filling the inner emptiness. The most important thing to remember: the purpose of this performance is most often not you personally, but to obtain certain emotions from you. It is up to you to decide whether to provide these emotions to the aggressor or not.
What to do if you are passive-aggressive
Try to understand yourself
Behind passive aggression - sarcasm, teasing, procrastination - lies anger or dissatisfaction that you forbid yourself to express openly. Dig into yourself and find out what (or who) exactly you are angry at, why you are afraid of conflicts and do not allow yourself to express your own feelings.
Give yourself permission to be angry
Admit that you are angry. Accept that this is a completely natural feeling, stop suppressing it. It's normal to feel anger, but suppressing it is not. This can lead to depression and anxiety disorders.
Talk about what's bothering you
This is one of the best ways to vent your feelings and let them go. Yes, for those who are used to keeping everything to themselves, frankness can be very difficult. Therefore, it may be worth formulating in advance what you want to say, and even practicing at home in front of the mirror.
Do not attack your interlocutor, be correct, and do not resort to insults.
Use “I messages”: talk about your feelings, but do not blame your opponent. “I get very angry when I have to spend evenings alone,” “It upsets me that my opinion is not listened to.” If such a conversation really scares you, you can talk about your experiences in a letter.
Learn to Express Your Feelings
Sometimes it is impossible to speak directly about your emotions. Or you are not ready for this yet. But this is also not a reason to keep anger and resentment to yourself. Try to express them in ways that won't offend anyone: keep a diary, write letters to your offenders (you don't have to send them), play sports, talk about your experiences with friends.
How to defeat an aggressor?
During a conflict, the most pressing question becomes: how to behave with an angry person? It's actually not difficult, there are several options:
- Don't be rude and don't start pushing back
- Remember that the aggressor needs your anger and fear, do not give it to him
- If possible, refuse the conversation, reschedule it for another time
- State that this tone of conversation is unpleasant to you and you do not intend to continue it
- If the aggressor does not calm down, leave, talking through the moments that hurt you afterwards, in a calm atmosphere
Of course, these tips cannot be called absolutely universal; sometimes the conflict reaches such a stage when a person can no longer be stopped. But in any situation, try not to lose your temper and, if you lose confidence, just leave. Do not react to offensive words, remember - the one who screams and humiliates needs your emotions.
How to deal with someone else's anger?
All of the above tips are well suited for those cases where the angry interlocutor is your loved one or at least just someone you know.
But how can we deal with the anger of those we see for the first time? An irritated cashier or a rude fellow traveler is quite common, but you can’t tell them that you will continue the dialogue later. The most universal option is icy politeness. Do not try to speak loudly or angrily, ignore if this is not possible, answer the question politely and clearly. Remember: it is the interlocutor who is imposing a conflict on you; he needs to throw out his emotions. You are not interested in such a tone: it is of no use to you and you can afford just a neutral conversation. This does not always reassure the interlocutor, but more often than not, casual lovers of scandal will look for a more emotional victim. If the interlocutor does not calm down, and you see that the conversation is getting out of your control, leave. Leave this store, ask to stop the car, get off at a different stop, that is, try to physically distance yourself from the source of aggression, be as far as possible from the person pointing the “arrows” of his anger at you. Remember: you should not check from your own experience whether your interlocutor is definitely sane and whether he poses not only a psychological, but also a physical threat to you. Text: Margarita Zimina.
When to call the police
An aggressive drunk poses a danger to himself and others, so all measures must be taken with caution. He probably does not control his behavior, so he can turn to physical actions at any moment. For this reason, doctors advise being prepared to call the police immediately.
Law enforcement officers are needed if a drunk person begins to threaten anyone present.
You need to seek help if an aggressive person picks up heavy or sharp objects. He may cause injury to himself or others.
The main thing is content, not form
This may be the last thing you want to do, but try to see the situation from your coworker's point of view. What opinion or assumption is he trying to express with his barbs? “Analyze the situation,” McKee recommends.
Perhaps a colleague thinks your approach to a project is ineffective? Or disagree with the goals you set for the team? “Not everyone is good at discussing or expressing their thoughts publicly,” Su says. If you can focus on a specific work issue, and not on the form of expression, you can stop focusing on the conflict and start looking for a solution.
Prohibited methods of calming violent people
A person faced with a deranged alcoholic may panic due to an unexpected problem. Many often try to pacify the violent on their own, but the methods can be not only dangerous, but prohibited at the legislative level. In other words, a person himself can bear responsibility for his good intentions to protect others.
This is especially true for representatives of the stronger sex. Often men have the idea of calming a rebel with the help of physical force. This should not be done under any circumstances, as the consequences may be unpredictable. A man may hit too hard, resulting in serious injury or even death for the alcoholic. In this case, you will have to defend your innocence in court, and it can be quite difficult to prove that only self-defense took place.
Calculating your strength is especially difficult when it comes to calming down a drunk woman. In judicial practice, there are often cases when an absolutely sober husband, in attempts to pacify his drunken wife, inflicted severe injuries or mutilations on her, which are not always compatible with life. It is for this reason that it is best to initially attempt to correct the behavior of an aggressive person without physical force. If you can’t communicate with a drunk, it’s better to call the police or doctors.
Features in teenagers
Aggression in adolescence is associated, first of all, with increased independence, as well as with internal self-flagellation. The crisis of growing up is characterized by the fact that a person has new opportunities, strengths and abilities that were previously at the stage of formation, controlled by society or suppressed in principle.
A teenager needs to demonstrate independence, independence, and autonomy. Increased social competence and physical strength create a genuine sense of permissiveness, especially correlating with the desire to be equal to adults, full-fledged members of the vast world. It is obvious to others that psychological and social development lags far behind physical improvement, but the teenager, first of all, focuses on external resemblance to the older generation. He begins to rebel and protest in attempts to achieve new privileges.
It is noteworthy that the more the child felt protected and understood, accepted by his parents before the crisis period, the fewer uncontrollable outbursts of aggression he demonstrates. Manifestations of teenage aggression directly depend on the parenting style that adults adhered to. To annoy parents, a child is even capable of intentionally harming himself, leaving home, becoming addicted to drugs, demonstrating deviant behavior, engaging in sexual relations, and even threatening suicide.
Multiple internal changes that occur during adolescence significantly affect the behavior of a child who cannot join any caste of people - he is too old for a child, but still too young for an elder. In addition, most teenagers are not satisfied with their appearance - criticism of themselves and others, complexes, and fear of being alone are actively developing. Sexual desire involves building certain contacts with peers. To gain the affection of the opposite sex, teenagers often become hostage to popular stereotypes - bright hair colors, non-standard haircuts, all kinds of piercings and tattoos, a specific style of clothing.
Most often, a teenager suffers from low self-esteem and constantly expects criticism and negativity from others, so auto-aggression progresses into suppressed aggression, directed at other members of society.
Recognize the underlying problem
When you have calmed down and feel able to communicate productively, approach your colleague. Say, “You were clear last time. As far as I understand, you think...” This will help him identify the essence of the problem. Working together, you can make a difference, as McKee explains. Speak calmly, monotonously, and do not focus on how aggressively or offensively he expressed his feelings. “Ignore the toxic side of things completely,” Su advises. “Sometimes it’s enough for a person to have his opinion heard.”
Causes of alcohol aggression
The occurrence of aggression during alcohol intoxication indicates deep mental problems, a tendency to violence, and internal suspiciousness, which is accentuated and liberated by alcoholic beverages. Almost everything that a person “gives out” in a drunken state is always present in his mind, only in a restrained form, and a bottle of alcohol releases this “genie” to freedom, along with which resentment towards the world, accumulated stress, life contradictions, and the drunkard becomes aggressive.
In relatively mild situations, show your composure through appropriate humor.
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Humor is a powerful communication tool. Many years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite arrogant and intimidating. One day a mutual colleague of ours asked him: “Hello, how are you?” When a selfish colleague completely ignored her greeting, she was not offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and joked, “That means good, huh?” This statement broke the ice, and they began a friendly conversation. Amazing.
When used correctly, humor can illuminate the truth, disarm an aggressor, and show that you have excellent self-control. In my book, How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, I explain the psychological role of humor in resolving conflict and suggest different ways to use humor to reduce or eliminate attacks.
Drugs and medicines
Treatment of aggression is possible both at home and in a specialized clinic. However, any measures must be discussed with competent specialists. During the examination, the doctor will establish the causes and characteristics of the manifestation of aggression, study the individual characteristics of the patient, and develop a rehabilitation plan, during which some amendments and adjustments may be made.
Often, not only traditional methods of therapy (trainings, conversations, preventive measures), but also medications and medicines are used to eliminate symptoms.
The duration of treatment is determined by the severity and duration of painful symptoms, the presence or absence of a critical attitude towards attacks of aggressiveness in the patient himself, concomitant diseases, psychological and biological characteristics of the body.
As preventative medications that a person can take on their own, there are vitamins, herbal infusions, and various dietary supplements available without a prescription. Using antidepressants or sedatives without consulting a specialist can lead to the most unpredictable consequences.
