Abuse from a partner implies some kind of psychological pressure on the volitional component of one’s counterpart. In this article we will cover the topic of purely emotional violence, although often the line between emotional and physical is extremely fluid and can dissolve when a partner crosses the line.
In psychology, it is customary to generally refer to abusers as people with certain mental characteristics, namely people with power, inclined to suppress the will of a partner through direct methods - humiliation, insults, accusations, and indirect ones - demonstrative ignoring, care, manipulation.
Leave the abuser and end the relationship
Of course, the most effective way is to get out of a relationship with such a person and never return to it. But some “victims” of charming narcissists get hooked on the emotional needle and are unable to leave on their own, becoming stuck in such relationships for a long time, or even forever. Some are more afraid of divorce, worry about how they will raise a child, and are afraid that they will violate the stereotype that a “decent woman” must have a husband. Some people simply don’t know how to end a relationship with an abuser—in such cases, it’s better to turn to a psychologist for help.
Who is an abuser in simple words?
An abuser is a person who tries to coerce, intimidate, control, and isolate
someone with whom you are in regular and close contact (this could be a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or child).
In relationships, such a person demonstrates a destructive type of caring. He can be physically violent
(attempts to hit, push, grab some part of the body or cause other harm), and
psychological
, using humiliation, denial, criticism and playing on the emotions of the victim.
Often the abuser feels that other people owe him something. This makes them feel entitled to give orders, abuse, control and get what they want.
What signs should you look for to recognize an abusive man in a relationship?
Discuss the problem
Try to talk about your unexpressed negative feelings, emphasizing your rejection of the man’s unacceptable behavior and statements. You should not speak in an accusatory manner, but from an I-position, for example, “I feel humiliated when I hear such words from you.” This, at least, will allow you to convey your feelings to your partner in a peaceful manner and, if he is not completely devoid of empathy (and he is not a nuclear psychopath), but simply a person who was traumatized at one time, he is obliged to hear.
Psychological portrait and signs of a male abuser
© Elnur
Gets into a relationship quickly
The abuser rushes into the relationship. He may be incredibly charming in the beginning, telling you that he has never experienced anything like this and needs you.
Such a man will rush important decisions without giving you time to think about the consequences. The abuser desperately needs someone who will take his load and be an easy target. This will allow him to control you better.
Don't rush things and try to take a closer look at the person before entering into a serious relationship with him.
He doesn't respect you
Not all abusive men will show you a lack of respect from the first day they meet you. At first they will try to charm you and behave in a way that will make you like them.
Observe how a person treats other people and what he says about them. If he constantly criticizes and speaks contemptuously of those around him, be sure that after some time you will find yourself among these people.
He talks about how he had bad luck in the past.
Male abusers, as a rule, always have a story about a difficult and difficult past. He loves to talk about his hardships, as it is part of a skillful game.
If you begin to sympathize, pity and care in return, you become an ideal victim for an abuser.
He speaks poorly of his ex-partners
It was he who suffered at the hands of treacherous and cunning women, which he did not understand and did not appreciate. His ex-wives and girlfriends betrayed him, treated him poorly, took advantage of him, taking every last penny.
Most people are left with a little bitterness about a failed relationship, but if a man can't let go of these feelings, think carefully.
By communicating his frustration and anger, a man is making it clear to you what behavior he expects from you: no demands, no expectations, and total commitment to him and your relationship to heal his wounds.
He has some bad habits
An abuser typically suffers from one or more addictions. This could be alcohol abuse, smoking, inability to manage anger, a tendency to cheat, and other bad habits.
He seems broken, and now you already want to help him, believing that you can fix everything and put him on the true path.
He is bossy and self-centered
You may tell yourself that your partner is showing his masculinity, but in reality, he sets his own rules in the relationship. Moreover, they are built on the principle that he gets the lion's share of power, and you get maximum responsibility.
While you play the role of second fiddle, the man basks in attention and care, as befits the “main man”. After some time, he may inform you that you must take full care of his well-being, satisfy all his desires and keep his house clean.
He loses his temper easily
This is not about ordinary irascibility, in which a person realizes his mistakes and is ready to correct them. He easily explodes, reacts too violently or inappropriately, but at the same time he does not admit his guilt, shifting it onto you or pretending that he is apologizing.
An abusive man may often use curses and insults. He definitely doesn't react like a normal adult would when he's angry and hurt.
He is unreliable, fickle and unpredictable
Something always happens at the last minute, or he is tired, or is constantly too busy to call or text you. He does not tend to show sensitivity, he does not take into account your desires or feelings.
He doesn't allow you to have personal boundaries.
Pay attention if a man starts asking inappropriate questions too early or rushes you into a relationship. He may ask for your phone password or require you to account for every action. He gets angry when you are late or you have to ask his permission to do something.
It is important to remember that the abuser wants to establish his power in all areas of your life, be it family, friends, work or your finances.
Never admits his guilt
© Syda Productions
Nothing human is alien to us, and we all make mistakes from time to time. Most people are able to admit their mistakes at least on rare occasions.
Abusers, as a rule, skillfully play the role of the victim. If in a healthy relationship a man is able to take responsibility for his mistakes, then the abuser will always say that anyone is to blame, and he is just a victim of circumstances.
In essence, such men are big cowards who lack the courage to admit their mistakes and learn from them. Instead, they try to shift the blame onto others.
Doesn't respect people close to you
An abusive man will often try to shame you or your family. He finds some fault in your family members and can use this to embarrass others.
A man alienates you from your family and friends by telling you that they don't love you or that you are too dependent on them.
It is not in his interest for you to communicate with anyone else, so he may also try to limit your contacts with family and friends.
Is hostile towards your friends
This type of person is not happy if he sees another person happy, and tries with all his might to isolate you from those who are dear to you and whom you love.
He can undermine your friendships and spread unfounded rumors that only lead to misunderstandings and disagreements with friends.
Owner
An abusive man is often possessive and jealous, and the thought of you paying even the slightest attention to someone else can drive him to despair.
He may convince you that he constantly needs you, and you are unable to do anything without him. As soon as you disappear from his sight, he constantly calls you and torments you with suspicion.
Manipulator
In order to control you, the abuser uses various tricks, playing on your emotions. For example, he will tell you that if you leave him, he will not survive it or will commit suicide.
Through such manipulations, he will interfere and control every area of your life that you allow. Over time, you will begin to feel more and more trapped, from which there will be no way out.
Low self-esteem
Abusers may hide behind a mask of confidence, but underneath it you can see extremely low self-esteem. Such a person only feels good when he suppresses other people.
Your intuition tells you
Perhaps from the very beginning, somewhere deep inside, your instinct told you that the man was behaving suspiciously. There is no need to ignore your intuition. She doesn't think about the past and doesn't worry about the future. Your sixth sense just kicks in at the right moment, and it's much more forward-thinking.
Pay special attention to the latest signs:
Shows cruelty to children and animals
This should alert you. Research has shown that 71-83 percent of women who have been abused say their partner abused or abused a pet.
Such a man is often insensitive to pain and suffering, and may demand the impossible from a child. He may tease him until he cries or treat him dismissively.
Forces you into intimacy
This type of man does not care much about whether you want intimacy or not and uses manipulation or anger to force you into sexual consent.
You should take derogatory sexual remarks directed at you as an indication of a serious problem.
Been violent in past relationships
If a man has previously raised his hand against his former partners, you shouldn’t even stay in a relationship with him.
No matter how he explains his behavior: alcohol or inability to control his anger, this is not a good enough reason to stay with him.
Of course, some people change, but more often than not they continue their destructive behavior.
Intimidates
A man is responsible for everything he does, even if he gets angry. His anger shouldn't be scary.
If he yells at you, hits the wall, throws or destroys your things to prove something, and this scares you, you are dealing with a real abuser.
The abuser intimidates the victim when she does not want to do what is asked of her, or he does not like her behavior. Don't believe false statements. You must remember that no one has the right to talk to you in this way.
What is abuse
In English, the word abuse is broadly translated as violence and cruel treatment. If a man in a family regularly offends, humiliates, limits, or forces a woman to take any action, then he is an abuser. There are several types of abuse:
- psychological. Such abuse is expressed in insult and humiliation of the partner. Covert abusers are very polite and caring in public, but they show their anger when they are in private. Open abusers can insult in front of others and not feel shame;
- sexual. In this case, the abuser perceives the partner solely as a thing for sexual gratification. The desires and feelings of the other person are not taken into account.
- economic. Violence is about trying to control your partner's money. For example, the wife does not work, and the husband does not give her money, thereby making the spouse dependent;
- physical. This is one of the most common types of abuse. We are talking about beating the victim. The rapist uses physical force to subjugate his partner. At the same time, the abuser justifies his actions and accuses the victim of provoking him.
Abuse is not a mental disorder. These are the beliefs and values imparted by culture into relationships between men and women. However, all abusers are burdened with psychological or other problems.
In Russian-language psychological literature, the term “abuse” is directly associated with the concept of violence in its various forms
Important! Unfortunately, many victims of abuse cannot understand what is happening to them precisely because in our society physical violence is condemned primarily, and moral violence is most often not even recognized. “My husband doesn’t hit me - what more do you need” - such is the stereotype.
Causes of abuse
There are several reasons why a man turns into an abuser:
- there was an abusive relationship in his family;
- the abuser was abused as a child;
- a man has low self-esteem, which he raises by humiliating his partner;
- mental disorders and diseases;
- character traits: demonstrativeness, aggressiveness, authoritarianism, inability to control oneself, selfishness.
Abusers are “normal” men who are socialized (that is, raised from childhood) to be sexists. 70% of men who abuse their partners cannot be considered sick. Only 20% to 30% have a mental disorder.
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How will the manipulator behave after?
The abuser will definitely try to get his partner back.
Her departure will be a complete shock for him, because he believed that he did everything right. The person will try in every possible way to make contact . If this does not work out, you should expect revenge.
He may post damaging photos or spread unpleasant rumors about his ex. However, there is also a more or less adequate type of abuser.
They will also try to make contact, but after a while they will stop trying. Such people, having realized the loss, are really capable of changing. It is only important to recognize them in time and not confuse them with previous species.
What to do if the relationship has gone far?
Abusers quickly gain the trust of their partner, so it is possible that when his partner understands the seriousness of the situation, the relationship will have already gone far. It is especially difficult to part with a tyrant if there are children in the family .
If violence manifests itself physically, you need to act immediately. You can even combine breaking up the relationship with calling the police. If a person does not want to involve law enforcement agencies in his family conflicts, it is recommended to take a number of preparatory measures before leaving the abuser:
Save money .
If you have to run away from your partner, it is better to have a small cash reserve. It should be enough for a person to last the first few months of his life, until he finds a job and gets used to the new place.The money you put aside should be kept secret from your partner.
- Prepare a retreat . You can agree with relatives or friends so that they are ready to accept the person at any time.
- Always be ready . In a fit of jealousy, the abuser can damage documents and valuables, so it is recommended to put them in a bag and store them in a safe place. In case of a stormy breakup, this will help you escape from home faster. As a last resort, you can make copies of important documents.
- Buy a spare phone . The abuser strives to control everything, so he quickly learns about the preparations for separation. To avoid this, it is better to buy a spare phone and hide it in a safe place. You can agree on escape plans and acquire the necessary contacts.
- Change passwords . Just before you leave, it is better to change the passwords for your pages on social networks and delete any information that can be used to track a person’s location.
How to report?
Psychologists advise that when breaking up with an abuser, do it abruptly. Not in terms of words, but in terms of time. There is no need to try to somehow humiliate a person. This can infuriate him and lead to extremely unpleasant consequences. A man can reach the point of assault, even if this has not been noticed before.
You can't listen to his excuses . The abuser can lie on his knees and beg to stay, while promising to improve. Theoretically, this is possible, but it’s worth waiting until he proves it in practice.
The simplest and most effective way to leave an abuser is what is called “running under the cover of darkness.” After this, it is advisable to completely disappear from his field of vision for at least a few months.
There is one unpleasant type of abuser who perceives complete blocking as a kind of challenge. He will throw all his energy into searching for his ex-partner. If a person comes across exactly this type, you can go out to him for short contact once every few months, preferably remotely. But we should not forget - you cannot date an abuser.
Preparing for separation
The first thing you need to do in order to at least a little rein in the abuser is to try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and frankly tell him about your intention to break up.
Often words do not reach such people, however, in the minds of some abusers, after realizing a possible loss, a significant change can occur; it is only important to choose the right words so as not to anger the partner and not get another conflict with broken dishes and threats.
First of all, you need to talk calmly . It's better to look your partner in the eyes. This calms many abusers down. It is important to demonstrate that this is no longer his victim, but an independent person who can really leave.
The partner must learn to demonstrate his own “I” and stop following the abuser’s lead. Having noticed this, some people are able to correct themselves before realizing a possible loss. If this does not happen, the satellite will simply prepare the ground for separation.
The reason for his failures is you
A male abuser is never wrong or unsuccessful, in his opinion. This means that his failures at work, his dismissal, losses in business, and even a scratch on his bumper are all because of you. Remember: this is his way of tying you to himself - to lower your self-esteem and develop feelings of guilt. Any skirmish will end with the words: “Well, who needs you, except me?”
If at least one of the points can be attributed to your partner and the type of relationship, you should at least think about whether it’s worth continuing it, and at most, run away from such a subject.
Unhealthy abusive relationships - how to recognize them?
It is better to recognize abusive relationships in the early stages. This will avoid unpleasant consequences and psychological trauma. Here you should pay attention to the following signs:
- Excessive romance .
If a companion shows excessive romanticism and fulfills any desire of the partner at the first call, this should alert you. A normal person will not offer to meet his parents 3 days after meeting, and then go on a trip a week later. More likely, he simply seeks to gain the trust of his companion as quickly as possible. This will help him in the future more easily violate the personal boundaries of his victim. In the standard development of relationships, a person should ask the opinion of his other half, and not confront her with a fact. - Poor attitude towards the opposite sex . If a man or woman thinks in stereotypes (for example, that a wife should cook well, and a husband should only earn money, and nothing else is important), this is a reason to think. Such people do not always turn out to be abusers, but this should still raise concerns. Partners who think this way often become violent if their partner refuses to live by certain rules.
Availability of restrictions .
An ideal relationship is not about restrictions, but about freedom and mutual support. If a partner begins to limit his significant other in some way, this is a sure sign of an abuser.Such things begin with innocent prohibitions “not to wash dirty linen in public” after yet another conflict, and end with the complete social isolation of the victim.
- Control . A person controls his partner in all areas of life. First, this is a request to report on the funds spent, then control over correspondence on social networks, and then control of a broader type begins, right up to intimate areas.
- Insults . After the touch of romance between the partners subsides a little, one of them, as if as a joke, begins to insult the other. If your companion has a developed sense of humor, there is no cause for concern. However, in the absence of constant jokes in his speech, it is recommended to pay attention to other points and think about whether the other half is an abuser.
- Mood instability . The abuser's emotional state often changes from positive to depressed. After a barrage of accusations, such a person quickly calms down and then begins to behave as if nothing had happened.
Gender characteristics
Men:
- he himself does what he considers inappropriate for his partner to do;
- breaks into a scream during a conflict;
- tries to demonstrate his physical superiority;
- may leave alone in an unfamiliar place;
- shows distrust of the partner’s words;
- checks phone calls and messages on social networks;
- jealous of any other man, even if it is his brother.
Women:
- refuses physical intimacy and mocks the partner’s sexual capabilities;
- during a conflict, breaks dishes, tears clothes, etc.;
- controls every step of the partner;
- upon meeting, she finds out where her companion was while they were not seeing each other;
- your partner’s behavior causes constant dissatisfaction;
- doubts the mental abilities of his companion.
How to avoid getting into a relationship with an abuser?
A woman with certain stereotypes and childish behavior patterns, who attracts abusers, will not even be able to determine at first that she is in such a relationship. Because this is her norm, a standard learned from childhood. The more such “norms” are absorbed, the more difficult it is for a woman to assess the situation soberly.
Therefore, in order to no longer fall into abusive relationships, you need to work through your patterns and fears. This will help you start looking at the world from a different angle. Appreciate and love yourself more, understand and accept your strength and capabilities.
If everything is in order with your children’s attitudes, take a close look at men on first dates, and monitor the listed alarm bells. If you notice everything or almost everything, you are probably facing an abuser. And it would be better to stop communicating with him.
He doesn't accept your friends and family
Psychological tyrants try in every possible way to protect the victim from communicating with other people, because it is much easier to influence her when someone from the outside is not trying to open a woman’s eyes to her man. An abuser can use different tactics to achieve his goal: convince his wife that her friends are narrow-minded and uninteresting people, and that it is better to stay away from relatives or directly blackmail her.
If after marriage you have broken off communication with all your friends, and you see your relatives only on holidays - think about it.
Violation of personal boundaries
Each of us has the right to personal space, but an abusive man does not respect these boundaries and invades them unceremoniously. This is another way to destroy you, to make you helpless in front of him. It gets to the point of absurdity, you cannot be alone in the room, because for him closed doors mean that you are hiding something from him. He begins to control everything that concerns you: he looks at his phone, monitors pages on social networks, subscribes to your friends and acquaintances. This kind of pressure already means that it’s time to ring the bells.
And sometimes you simply cannot do without the help of a psychologist, because you need...
- Learn to be yourself.
- Get used to independence.
- Raise self-esteem.
- Get rid of self-flagellation.
- And so on
No one can erase the trauma caused from their memory, but a competent approach to “treating” the consequences of abuse will help to overcome everything.
Psychologists advise after such a relationship to radically change everything that you are able to change: from your hairstyle to the city of residence.
Moreover, it is better to start immediately by moving to a new city.
Have there been similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
How to get over a breakup?
Any separation is an emotional shock for a person.
Even breaking up with an abuser. Many people experience depression at this time . The person believes that he acted recklessly, but one should not forget that this is a consequence of psychological trauma that was inflicted by the partner.
Emotionally, you need to occupy yourself with other things and try to learn to enjoy life. If this is not done, a person risks completely undermining his self-esteem.
You need to remember that an abuser won’t just leave you alone, so it’s better to take care of protection from such a person in advance. It is recommended not to go anywhere alone. A rejected abuser is unpredictable. When leaving, you should not forget valuable things in such a person’s home. He will try to take advantage of this factor and get in touch with his partner.
If you are too persistent, you can contact law enforcement agencies , because... persecution and moral pressure are punishable by law.
The main rule after leaving such a relationship is to keep yourself from returning to the abuser. Some people are afraid of pressure and persecution, others are lured by gifts. There is a third category of people. Abusers are very attached to themselves. Some time after a breakup, a person begins to feel like he is doing everything wrong. That he made a mistake.
In this case, you need to remember what motivated the departure . It is better to write this down on a piece of paper on the first day after leaving the relationship and every time thoughts about returning appear, look at this piece of paper. This will help you resist temptation.
Common Mistakes
What you shouldn’t do to finally get rid of an abuser:
- Sort things out . Telling the abuser before breaking up about all the negativity that the partner has accumulated over the years of pressure is not the best option. This can lead to conflict with unpredictable consequences.
- Give in to persuasion . The abuser may kneel and crawl at his partner's feet, begging him to return. We should not forget that this is just another method of psychological pressure.
- Meet . You can't date an abuser after a breakup. Seeing his victim, he can go to any extreme. The maximum is a phone call, which you can always cancel.
- Blame yourself . Every person has a moral limit. People shouldn't feel guilty about being bullied for years. The abuser only got what he sought.
He justifies his actions with high feelings
Whatever the abuser does, he assures his partner that he is doing it in the name of love for her. This is why women sometimes endure emotional or even physical tyranny for decades - they believe that this, albeit non-standard, is a manifestation of sincere feelings.
The “stick” is always followed by a “carrot” - the abuser repents, speaks of love, and may even shed a tear or burst into tears. Despite the bitter experience, the woman believes that this time really was the last. Emotional tyrants are very persuasive.
