Are you tired of making concessions to people who, using cunning tricks, convince you to abandon previously made decisions? Do you feel that your environment is twisting ropes out of you, taking advantage of your kindness and cleverly pressing on your feelings of guilt? It's time to fight back against offenders by learning to defend your vested interests. 10 psychological techniques that will help you get out of the trap and resist the manipulator. It's time to say no to blackmail, pressure and doubts about your right to a better life.
How to resist a manipulator?
Answer the question: who are you?
The main problem of overly compliant people is an absolute lack of understanding of who they are, what is their priority in life, what principles are they willing to give up? Once you decide on all of the above, you will stop falling for other people's tricks. Understand, altruism must have a goal, you must understand what you are willing to sacrifice? If friendship is more important to you than love, follow the lead of your comrades with a light heart and prepare for a quarrel with your spouse. If your career comes first, you can safely stay late, sacrificing your family and health. But now you need to make a choice: to whom do you say “yes” and to whom do you say “no”. You can't be good to everyone.
Using a sense of duty or guilt
How not to succumb to the manipulations that occur most often in life? The most common type of influence on a person is that associated with a sense of duty and guilt. It is sometimes called “parental”. Adults often use similar manipulations in relation to their children. A similar type of influence occurs among spouses.
From a very early age, parents are a kind of standard for a person. They are given the right to forgive, punish or evaluate the actions of their child. If they think he is doing something wrong, they make him feel guilty and correct the wrongdoing. Sometimes such influence of a person haunts his entire adult life.
How to resist a manipulator if he is your closest person? In this case, you can continue to feel guilty, but still act in your own way or become good, while losing your own experience and perspective. What is the main goal of the manipulator in this case? Do everything to ensure that the child does exactly what the parent thinks is right.
How can a person resist a manipulator? First of all, psychologists advise to realize that a parent, forcing his child to act in one way or another, first of all solves his own problems. At the same time, a representative of the older generation will feel much calmer. In addition, you need to understand that if a person does not have the opportunity to gain his own experience, then he will only blame his parents for all his mistakes. For their son or daughter, they will become people who deprived them of the opportunity to have a happy life. As a result, older children themselves become manipulators, getting used to placing their own problems on the shoulders of others.
What to do when feeling parental pressure? Psychologists recommend thinking about how justified the presented guilt is. Next, you should clearly explain to parents what they can count on and what they cannot count on. In this case, compelling arguments must be given. If logical arguments have no effect, then parents should be told that there is no guilt before them and their son or daughter is doing his duty as best he can.
Deprive the manipulator of power
Other people have power over us exactly as long as we ourselves allow it to them, accepting their gifts, care, help in business, agreeing with their authority. Deprive the manipulator of his trump cards - return gifts, solve problems yourself, find support from third parties - and then you won’t have to feel like an eternal debtor, agreeing to unfavorable conditions. A person will not be able to pull strings that he does not have. True, you will have to grow up, taking responsibility for a lot. Think for yourself, how much are you willing to pay for your freedom?
Impact stages
How to resist manipulation? To do this, it is necessary to recognize such an impact, which will allow it to be stopped in time.
In any case, the manipulation develops according to a certain scenario, comparable to a dance in which the movements have been learned in advance. They are known, of course, only to the energy vampire himself, and even then he is not always aware of his actions. By the way, conscious influence of this kind is nothing more than fraud. What are the features of communication under the influence of manipulators and what stages do they consist of?
- Initially, the victim receives some information consisting of a mixture of truth and lies. By doing this, the manipulator creates in his interlocutor a feeling of bewilderment, confusion, and that something is going wrong and the alarm should be sounded urgently. At such a moment, the victim cannot yet understand what the problem is, and this forces him to continue communication.
- The manipulator develops his psychological influence. He presents his victim with additional information. At the same time, the person loses the ability to resist the discomfort that arises due to contradictions. Her alarm signal is repressed into the area of the unconscious.
- At the next stage, the manipulator offers a choice consisting of two evils. The victim, of course, chooses the lesser of them. This leads the manipulator to victory. In this case, the victim gets the feeling that he was simply used.
Nip generalization in the bud
A favorite tactic of manipulators is to take words out of context, inflate the situation to the size of an elephant, and then poke the person under the nose. You didn’t call your mother once, forgot to send a document to your boss, returned from a party later than usual - and you were immediately presented with accusations as if you always act this way (you don’t appreciate, don’t love, don’t care about all your responsibilities, you’re an unreliable and bad person). The play is designed to make you feel guilty. Don't be fooled! Encourage the person not to exaggerate the situation and base his conclusions on real facts. This is a surefire way to resist a manipulator.
"I need…"
Say directly what you want from the manipulator: “I need you to stop insulting me,” “I need you to talk to me calmly,” “I need you to take care of this yourself.”
When you start by telling the manipulator “I need it,” this is a strong counter to their tactics. You are simultaneously saying no to what the manipulator wants and replacing it with what you want instead.
“It’s better for me now...” is another way of saying what you need and refusing the manipulator’s requests. When dealing with such a person, it is best to focus on your own needs. You give up what the manipulator needs and replace it with your own needs.
Don't be afraid to counterattack
Manipulators are used to driving people into corners. Don't be a victim; you have the power to change the rules of the game by going on a counteroffensive. How much longer must you endure injustice? Ask the aggressor: “Why do we always do what only benefits you? What about my own interests? “This is the 10th time you’ve asked me for a favor, but when have you ever done something for me? Maybe it’s your turn to do my job?” Don’t be afraid to change roles, this will show the absurdity of the demands placed on you and scare off the hypocrite.
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How to communicate with manipulators and avoid their influence?
Here are some tips on how to behave with those who are trying to use manipulative techniques on you.
Don't forget your rights
Remember that you, like other people, have rights
:
- getting what you paid for;
- have a different opinion from others and express it openly;
- receive respectful treatment;
- express your feelings;
- protect yourself from physical and emotional abuse;
- set your own priorities.
It is important not only to remember this in words, but also to firmly believe in these rights and defend them.
Keep your distance
If you are not connected to the manipulator by work relationship or other obligations, then you should not maintain communication with him
– it drains you, harms your self-esteem and mood. The reasons why people become chronic manipulators are often complex and can be related to a range of issues. You are unlikely to be able to influence the subject's behavior or change anything about him without his consent, so you shouldn't try.
Healthy skepticism won't hurt
The manipulator’s favorite technique is to provide you with an unnecessary or insignificant service and demand much more in return.
. Therefore, it is important to learn to recognize attempts to gain their trust in the early stages. Such attempts vary from person to person, so the best recipe is not to take the word for everything you are told and maintain a healthy skepticism.
Manipulators also like to shower the potential victim with a lot of compliments.
. If you hear excessive flattery directed at you, you can respond: “That’s very nice of you, but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to deserve such wonderful words.”
Avoid self-blame
Feeling guilty is a very convenient trick to get you to do what they want you to do. Don't let remorse cloud your critical thinking
, and ideally,
don’t take words personally at all and don’t be tormented by guilt or shame
. Remember, the problem is not you: it’s up to the manipulator to make you feel bad, because this way it’s easier to control you.
Manipulators try to make their problem your problem.
Analyze relationships
Consider your relationship with a potential manipulator and ask yourself:
- Do I feel good interacting with this person?
- Do they treat me with respect or just pretend?
- In this relationship, am I receiving something or am I just giving?
- Are this person's requests logical from a common sense point of view?
Questions like this will help you analyze your relationship
and understand how healthy they are and whether there is room for manipulation.
Don't let yourself go beyond
Establish for yourself a clear algorithm of action in case of violations of personal boundaries
. When someone raises their voice at you, you have every right to say: “If our conversation continues in a raised voice, I will have to leave. Unfortunately, I can't talk to you when you're screaming." Or offer a peaceful way to end the conversation: “If we both calm down, we can continue the conversation in a calm tone, and this day will not be overshadowed by negative emotions.”
Change your focus
When a manipulator imposes an unreasonable request on you, it is sometimes useful to focus on your opponent and ask him a few questions
. This, on the one hand, will show the interlocutor that you saw manipulation in the request, on the other hand, it will allow you to understand whether the person has enough self-awareness to assess the failure of the scheme. Eg:
- “Does this seem reasonable to you?”
- “Does my opinion on this matter mean anything?”
- "What will I get in exchange?"
- "Do you really want me to do this?" In this matter, it is worth
reformulating the requirement to expose the absurdity of the request. For example, a colleague asks you to make small changes to a report in order to present your own work to your superiors in a more favorable light and receive a bonus. In this case, it would be appropriate to ask: “Do you really want me to provide false information and risk being fired?”
When you ask such questions, you are practically saying in plain text that you see right through a person’s techniques. For many, this is a clear signal that their schemes will not work.
, and they retreat.
However, some manipulators - including sociopaths, narcissists, etc. - they can still insist on their own. The fact is that they may not actually be aware of the flaws in the proposed plan
due to existing mental problems (for example, in the case of sociopaths and narcissists, this may be a pathological inability to understand the feelings, emotions and needs of other people). The best advice in this case is to minimize communication.
Become a leader, not a follower
Manipulators like to rush and demand answers/results as quickly as possible.
. Instead of agreeing/complying with the request right now, just say what you'll think about. This way you will kill two birds with one stone: you will not only gain time, but also gain control over the situation. This will mess things up for the person who was deliberately creating a power imbalance to take advantage of you.
If, after deliberation, you come to the conclusion that it is not profitable for you to comply with someone else’s request, proceed to the next step.
Refer to situation analysis
Are your parents accusing you of being selfish by forcing you to spend the weekend with them? Does your boss insist that you are a terrible employee, so you have to write someone else’s report? Stop and think how true are the words you heard? If that week you visited your mother three times, gave her pocket money, took her to the doctor - what kind of selfishness are we talking about? This is a banal manipulation. If you are responsible for all the sales of the department, if not a single transaction is made without your approval, then you are not such a useless employee. Analyze and share your observations out loud, do not fall for outright blackmail.
How does manipulation differ from ordinary social influence?
The term "manipulation" in psychology has a broad interpretation depending on the field in question. For the purposes of this article, we mean by this word the veiled, deceptive influence of one person on another
;
the desire to force someone to do something in a hidden way, regardless of the needs, feelings, interests, and rights of another person. In fact, in any relationship, people influence each other. Unlike manipulation, healthy influence has a more positive connotation because it leaves room for your wants and needs
.
For example, you were asked for something - you agreed, or refused, or came to a compromise. In addition, close people influence each other because they want to see family and friends healthy emotionally and physically and act for their benefit. An example is friends encouraging you to give up bad habits. Let us leave aside how legitimate and necessary such an action is. The goal itself is important - formally positive, aimed specifically at you. This is the qualitative difference between influence and manipulation: the manipulator acts for the benefit only of himself
.
Manipulation differs from healthy influence by the intention to take without giving in return.
Use the “sticky record” technique
Is your interlocutor starving you out, pressuring you with constant requests or fictitious “shoulds”? Repeat the refusal as many times as necessary, with one addition - do not include any emotions. Imagine that you are a robot who echoes an aggressive client: “The operation is not available, we will call you back.” Become this robot and say “no” in a variety of variations: “I don’t like this topic,” “I already told you no,” “we closed this issue two years ago.” What should it look like? “I thought you wanted this yourself. - Don't make things up. “But I put so much into it, don’t you feel sorry for my efforts?” - Don't make things up. “How can you be so heartless, you don’t value me!” “Don’t make things up.”
Keep your distance
To disarm the victim, many manipulators resort to cunning - they invade a person’s personal space, forcing him to experience discomfort and make concessions. How do they do it? Accompany the request with a touch of the hand, share candy or give a friendly pat on the shoulder. To avoid falling under their hypnotic spell, try to step away. The further the better! You can literally refer to urgent matters, promising to return to the issue later. Then consider the refusal and send it via email or call back. This way there will be no physical contact, and therefore no other people’s influence.
Resist demands
Psychological manipulators make certain demands that the victim meet their needs. If the demand is unreasonable, ask the manipulator a few questions:
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- Does the demand seem reasonable and fair to him?
- Do you have a say in this situation?
- Are you asked or given instructions?
- What do you get out of it?
Prepare an escape plan
It’s one thing when the manipulator is a stranger, and quite another thing if it’s your spouse, relative or boss to whom you are subordinate. Just “I don’t want” will not get you off here, especially if the aggressor knows your weaknesses well, has power over you, and his threat is not an empty phrase. When standing up for interests threatens the loss of money, work or family, it’s time to think about how much you have to lose? Maybe it's time to look for another place for self-realization or another relationship in which no one will offend you? Consider a retreat plan, seek support from family and friends, and don’t focus on just one option. Otherwise, you will live your whole life as a patient.
Reveal your cards: say your observations out loud
If you have long ago figured out the offender, you can try to leave the game by telling the person that his intentions have been revealed. This step takes courage, but it is effective. Just say: “You accuse me of selfishness because you don’t want to lose your influence, you’re afraid of being unwanted.” “Your threat is an attempt to tie me more tightly, you are not confident in yourself and think that I will find someone better...” The main thing at this moment is to radiate calm and confidence, to be above the situation. As soon as you feel that you have been touched, know that the manipulator has already gained power over you, you are on his hook.
Remember your worth
Manipulators take advantage of people with low self-esteem. The problem is that the manipulator also has low self-esteem, so he will look for others to control, trying to lower their self-esteem even further through insults.
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