Each of us has a kind of “emotional battery” that we use when experiencing certain feelings. Positive experiences fill us, while negative ones deplete us. Moments when our expectations are not met can also make us feel depressed, sad or confused. Therefore, if they are too high, we feel these emotions quite often.
Inflated expectations manifest themselves as attitudes or boundaries of our thinking. For example, when we expect others to be honest with us because we behave this way towards them. But our expectations do not always correspond to reality, which disappoints and upsets us.
Reasonable “standards” of expectations from other people shift responsibility for their actions onto themselves. We'll talk about 7 ways to cope with high expectations from others in order to experience fewer negative emotions.
Give up the habit of guessing
Try not to assume how a situation should be resolved or what a person should do in order for it to be right from your point of view. Try to “catch yourself” when you make assumptions and replace those thoughts. Instead, think something like this: “I need to wait and see how things go.”
The truth is that people are not good at predicting things. And a “guess” is almost the same as a prediction. Remind yourself that forecasts don't always come true - and it's not just about the weather or stock market rates.
Focus more on staying in the present that you are dealing with. Mindfulness is a useful practice for challenging assumptions.
Avoid thinking that someone owes you something
Fight the feelings and thoughts that others owe you something. No one really owes anyone anything.
It doesn't matter how much you do for others, how kind and generous you are, how good a friend you are. Other people may not appreciate it or even realize how much you do for them or how you position yourself in it.
Avoid the habit of giving or doing something in the hope that you will receive something in return. It is worth giving up high expectations and learning gratitude - by the way, this is one of the habits of happy people. We talked more about these habits here.
Paradox of Possibilities
The ideal self is all about possibility. The opportunity to realize your hopes, dreams and aspirations, and the opportunity to ultimately make an identity. But research results show that people are often deceived by illusory opportunities. Later it seems to him that she was, but in reality everything was different.
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The authors of the study of human capabilities, Neil Rose and Amy Summerville, explain that only the presence of that illusory opportunity gives rise to regret. But this is where the paradox arises. The authors state that regret persists in situations where the likelihood of positive action remains high.
The paradox of opportunity may explain why education is the top regret of Americans, regardless of age, life circumstances, or socioeconomic factors. As the authors explain, a person can always return to school. That is why, since opportunities to act remain, and the person is not active, regret becomes more and more pronounced.
Think about the worst case scenario
In philosophy, there is a practice called “negative visualization.” The idea is to think about how things can go wrong. This is so that we are already emotionally prepared to deal with it if it does happen.
For example: “I’m going to get this job because I interviewed, I’m qualified, and I work hard.” You will be upset if you never receive an invitation to work.
To cope with your high expectations, you can think about what will happen if you don't get the job. And if the company chooses another candidate, you will already know a rough plan of action instead of devoting all your free time to disappointment and sadness.
Good boy complex
Separately, it is worth saying a few words about the good boy complex, which can arise in owners of the anal-visual ligament vectors.
It happens that an anal-visual child, on the contrary, is overly praised, and for everything. Not for some achievements and efforts, but for every little thing. For example, he brought a B from school instead of an A, but his mother praises him as if it were an A.
It may also be that the mother praises her son only for those actions and deeds that are beneficial to her in one way or another. For example, she needs the child to go somewhere, learn something for her, or behave in a certain way, and she manipulates praise: “You will be good only by doing this and doing that.” Moreover, we are not talking here about some general guidelines for correctness, but about those things that the mother herself considers beneficial for herself.
If the psyche of a child with an anal vector is formed under the influence of manipulations with praise, he grows up with a stable dependence on it. That is, endorphins in the brain will be released only when a person is praised, and it doesn’t matter why. And then he will do everything that others want or expect, he will strive to be good for everyone in order to get his “dose” of praise. Thus, depriving yourself of a full life and throwing your desires into the background.
He will not strive to be the best in the profession, for example, he will simply try to please everyone, and they, in turn, will take advantage of this. In addition, the good boy complex robs a person of the ability to say “no.” Even where it is required. This can create a lot of problems in his life.
Remind yourself that you can't always influence the outcome.
Hard work and high expectations, unfortunately, do not necessarily mean good results. Do everything in your power to achieve your goal, but realize that you can't control or influence everything.
The key mental switch to make is to separate cause and effect.
For example, you may express your feelings to another person with the expectation that they feel the same way about you and want to be with you. But the cause (showing feelings) may not have anything to do with the effect (that he wants to be with you) if he doesn't actually feel the same emotions for you.
Therefore, you should not raise your expectations - you need to leave room for what may not go according to plan, and think through how to deal with it.
Loss of freedom
Very strong fear. Most often found in a professional environment in the form of a refusal to take on increased responsibility, even if this provides an opportunity to take a step forward on the career ladder. A promotion naturally expands your area of competence and carries with it increased risks, pressure from higher management, and possibly even additional working hours. But focusing on negative events is part of our nature, so in case of fears, you need to sit down and determine for yourself the benefits that you will receive by taking on new responsibilities. This will help you come to terms with the restriction of freedom.
Don't accept other people's expectations
Think about whether the high expectations are really your own. Often they can be a consequence of the influence of our social environment on us.
We may go to a restaurant or watch a movie based on our friends' recommendations. If the feedback was definitely positive, we will have appropriate expectations. To lower your expectations, consider whether you personally like the food at the recommended restaurant or the genre of movie you were asked to watch.
Try not to allow yourself to believe in something just because your friends and people around you believe in it. They can't predict the results any more than you can.
Learn to empathize and understand others
Each of us faces problems and challenges in life that need to be resolved. Therefore, those around us are unlikely to have time to meet our expectations.
But by putting yourself in their shoes and trying to understand what they might be going through at any given time, you can be more realistic about their actions, behavior and attitude towards you. They may want to be a good friend or partner, but may not have the social experience to do so. People close to you may try to meet your expectations, but fail because they do not match their worldview, feelings, or capabilities.
For example, you may be expecting an expensive gift from a friend for your birthday. And when you don't get what you hoped for, you get upset and offended. Be sure to analyze why this happened - perhaps your friend was laid off at work, or she had to spend money on treatment or an expensive emergency purchase. And the very fact that she still gave you a gift and thought about you should affect her attitude towards the current situation.
All of us, to one degree or another, do not live up to other people's expectations, but normally we are free to choose for ourselves whose hopes we will justify and where we will insist on our own. And sometimes we feel guilty that we didn’t put on a hat in the cold or didn’t clean the house, but as long as this doesn’t prevent us from feeling happy, we don’t have to worry.
But what if…
The fear of not living up to expectations seems to paralyze a person before taking action and achieving a goal, because “what if I can’t cope and they will be disappointed in me”? But as a result, one’s own desires, plans and needs are relegated to the background.
At the same time, imposed ambitions and priorities emerge, causing you to experience an acute sense of guilt and shame.
Self-esteem and adequate perception of opportunities decreases. Under the influence of such fear, a person does not implement his own script, but one written under dictation.
There is a constant belief inside that people expect more from you. Not everyone can withstand such pressure. And this condition requires help both independently and from specialists.
"You're a good girl." "You must be the strongest." “You will grow up and earn a lot.” “You must study well so as not to be a janitor!” - simple phrases that define our lives.
These are the very ways of influencing a child’s fragile psyche that form negative attitudes towards oneself and give rise to the fear of not living up to someone’s expectations.
Where did he come from?
The true nature of fear is hidden in childhood. In the model of parental behavior that the child observed. Was there timely praise in his childhood, were the demands not too high, were the child’s needs taken into account?
Children are not able to think critically about their parents, they are vulnerable and very attached to them. And any aggressive influence from the position of obligation increases his level of anxiety and reduces self-confidence.
The less a child receives rewards for good deeds, the more often he is punished for mistakes, the faster the fear of doing something or doing it wrong develops.
Excellent students, having received a “C”, throw away the diary, not wanting to upset their mother. Teenagers, finding themselves in a difficult situation, decide that it is easier to run away from home than to receive reproach and misunderstanding from their parents. Adults turn down decent jobs because they planned in advance how they would screw up the whole thing.
The fear of disappointing others is not just discomfort, it is patterns of behavior learned in childhood, without changing which a person will not become happy. And in the future, in an attempt to compensate for lost time, he will involuntarily form the same fear in his children.
How to overcome this condition?
First of all, you need to recognize the problem. Understand that it’s impossible to live someone else’s life, and you can’t please everyone.
A person is able to manage his own desires, capabilities and prospects. It is better to work through any types of fear with the competent support of specialists in order to avoid their metamorphosis into more complex and hidden fears.
One of the most effective techniques for combating fear is the behavior modification method in behavioral psychology.
It works with existing consequences in the form of anxiety, self-doubt and low self-esteem. This technology allows you to get rid of unwanted behavior without delving into the reasons and master new successful life strategies.
Of course, it is impossible to change a person without his personal participation. Therefore, you will have to look at everything from a different angle. We will have to turn the world of knowledge about ourselves upside down. Understand your strengths and weaknesses and learn to see the world without the prism of “I did something wrong again.”
Remember all
First, think about everything you've done that has been productive lately and write it down. We closed the plan, cooked a delicious dinner, learned a poem, ironed the laundry. Mark all the points that seem important to you, visually assess that you are not inactive. Add there all the good things that characterize you as a person, try to be objective or ask your loved ones to help you.
Watch your behavior, speak loudly and clearly, do not hush up your thoughts, look into your partner’s eyes.
Don't apologize for the request. Be the first to engage in conversation if the person is interesting. Try new things. Give up self-criticism for a while, listen only to those people who command your respect. Try saying “no” if you don’t like the request.
If you have a specific situation that causes this fear, write it down, break it down into its components and soberly assess whether you are capable of it or not? Want to draw pictures, but they expected you to be good at math and called drawings stupid? Read the information about the courses, choose the one that interests you the most and sign up. Try it and if you like it, the next steps will be much easier.
You have become yourself and are free to do what interests you. Think about it, is anyone asking you for results? Do they expect you to actually live up to their expectations? Do they still demand “A’s” from you or insist on another university? It is quite possible that the environment has long ceased to influence you, but the learned habit of being afraid of not conforming prevents you from soberly assessing your capabilities.
How not to “infect” children?
First of all, do not place your hopes and ambitions on them. Filter what is yours and what is your child's. For example, the kid picked up pencils and paper, and you are already enrolling him in art, because you yourself dreamed of becoming great. In this case, it is better to sign up for the courses yourself. Merging with a child will not benefit either you or him when, as an adult, he will not be able to separate and become happy.
Secondly, it is important to remember about the sensitive period from 3–7 years, when the child perceives only the parent as an authority. And the best manifestation of love and defining oneself as “I am good” is a contract with a parent, doing errands, and the ability to please. And if you often criticize a child for his actions, he will form the habit of expecting criticism no matter what. Praise more often, guide with your hand, and do not do it for him. Encourage your child to explore the world outside the family, expand the boundaries of his environment.
Forget the phrases: “I told you so”; “And I know better, because I’m older”; "Because I am your mother"; “Don’t contradict your father”; “I put my whole life on you”; “You can’t do anything without me,” “You upset me.”
These categorical statements without argumentation form a painful perception of oneself as a worthless incompetent who needs to earn love.
Forgive your child’s mistakes and try not to leave him alone with the problem, but offer help. Did you get a D? Got into a fight at school? Ruined your favorite blanket? Talk to your child, explain in a calm manner why it is important to do things differently and what can be done to avoid this. When talking about feelings, avoid blaming. “You made me angry, again you didn’t do anything!” It’s better to replace it with “I’m upset because you didn’t do your homework, let me help you.”
Be a friend to the child, give advice, not order. Emphasize achievements, successes and good traits. By nurturing in a child integrity, independence and focus on success, developing his interests, you will protect him from the fear of not living up to your or other people’s expectations.
