In psychological practice there is such a thing as the syndrome of inflated expectations. Perhaps each of us encounters it at different points in our lives. We demand something from ourselves, then from others. We strive to achieve something, meet some requirements, be ideal. And at first, all this even causes some excitement. But at some point we get tired and realize that we no longer have the strength to go further, and there is nowhere to get it. What to do next in such cases? How to get rid of high expectations and get happiness from life?
What is high expectations syndrome?
In psychology, one of the cognitive disorders is called the syndrome of inflated expectations. In simple terms, this is a deviation from generally accepted norms of behavior and thinking. People with this diagnosis often experience manic episodes. They do not get pleasure not only from the process of achieving the goal, but also from the goal itself. Even getting the desired end result does not bring them joy.
At the same time, a person who has high expectations is characterized by efficiency and determination, and the ability to clearly describe each step. There is only one problem: no action brings proper satisfaction, since he cannot soberly assess his capabilities. Instead, envy appears, exhaustion, and too high demands not only on oneself, but also on others.
Like any other disorder, high expectations syndrome has a number of characteristic symptoms:
- Increasing internal anxiety, accompanied by deterioration in physical health. A rapid heartbeat and insomnia develop, then disappear, then, on the contrary, appetite appears. Plus, your mood often changes. So, apathy is replaced by anxiety and irritability. And after them comes depression.
- The desire to take strict control not only of oneself, but also of those around.
- Concentration on work and complete absence of any personal life.
Conventionally inflated personal expectations are divided into emotional and social. The first relate to close circles, for example, family and friends. Let's say a man builds a relationship with a girl whose first priority in life is moving up the career ladder. She stays in the office until late at night, rarely cooks, orders food delivery, and uses cleaning companies. Should a man expect that in the next few years his potential wife will settle down and become a hospitable hostess who sets a multi-course table every day? Hardly. But for some reason we stubbornly do not lose faith that we will change our partner. And this applies not only to men, but also to women.
With social expectations the situation is even more serious. Check the website or newspaper for vacancies. Who is needed for the job? Most often, employers are looking for ambitious, proactive employees who are willing to spend day and night at work. And on the one hand, it seems that this is good. People like this are needed in any industry. But imagine for a moment what would happen if everyone met the above requirements? There will be only leaders in the world and there will be no one who would implement their plans and ideas.
From life
Nature has inherent in homo sapiens the desire to grow, move forward, achieve goals, and develop.
By achieving goals, people acquire not only material values, but also broaden their horizons and develop their inner world. At the same time, some people are unable to appreciate what they have achieved or what they have today, as well as to enjoy small daily achievements.
Any person dreams and strives to realize his own desires, while placing certain hopes both on his actions and on the environment. A three-dimensional picture of the intended goal is formed in the subject’s mind. The process of achieving the desired is built on people’s perception of the role of the environment and their own role in the embodiment of this desired. However, as a rule, not all dreams can be fully realized, and sometimes reality does not at all correspond to imaginary designs.
A dream is an excellent motivational factor that helps achieve current goals. At the same time, human reality is filled with achievable goals and illusory desires. The difference between them is determined by the individual’s ability to critically evaluate his own abilities or the qualities of the environment, since this is the key criterion that determines the feasibility of the plans.
We can identify such signs of having inflated life expectations as:
– constantly present anxiety due to anticipation of the results of one’s own plans;
– sleep disorder, rapid heartbeat, twitching, resulting from being under the influence of stressors caused by the injustice of life;
– mood swings depending on the behavior of loved ones, a partner, “gifts” from the share;
– the need for universal control over loved ones;
– the desire to manage the existence of relatives, to give advice;
– excessive fixation at work, as a manifestation of one’s own titanic efforts, which must certainly be noted by the manager.
High expectations from life lead to disappointment. Since they have no connection with reality, they have no “ceiling” of claims. People want rapid career growth and imagine themselves as stars, famous TV presenters. However, he is not able to objectively evaluate his skills. They lack purposefulness, persistence, and want to get everything at once. Hence the disappointments when dreams are broken due to their unreality. The consequence of this is constant self-criticism due to unfulfilled desires, which is a kind of attempt to motivate oneself, but in reality such behavior only destroys.
Causes
The effect of inflated expectations develops under the influence of several factors:
- Requirements made by parents in childhood. Surely you have also been told that you need to not just study well, but excel, and take first places in Olympiads and sports competitions. In general, be better than others. And if at first such wishes develop a spirit of competition in the child and encourage him to strive for some achievements, then in adulthood they become a real problem. The relationship between initial conditions, achievement, praise and the feeling of love from others is firmly established in the human mind.
- Advertising slogans calling for always and in everything to be the best. From TV screens, magazine pages, posters, we are told that eyelash extensions, cosmetics and a certain brand of car will change our lives for the better. But is this really so? Does, for example, career growth or personal life really depend on the length of eyelashes?
Another reason for high expectations is envy. You may be jealous of your neighbor who bought a car that you still haven’t been able to save money for. But at the same time you justify yourself by saying that another neighbor rides a bicycle to work. But if you look at the situation from a different angle, the picture will appear in a new light. The first neighbor took out a car loan for several years, and the second one is simply trying to improve his physical shape and health.
What if it’s different?
But there are other options for how events unfold. For example, parents could be too strict and demanding towards the child, placing an unbearable burden on him. Most likely, they did this with the best intentions, but they lacked experience and knowledge. At the same time, for sins and desires that seemed “wrong” to parents, they were threatened with punishment, or, even worse, humiliation. “You’re a klutz, you don’t understand anything!”, “You won’t succeed, no matter where your hands grow!”, “You’ll grow up ignorant.”
And what is the result? Parents are disappointed in their child, and the child, in turn, develops a loser complex. It will be very difficult for such a child later, in adulthood, to stop believing in his own worthlessness and insignificance, and become a successful person with desires, goals and motivation to achieve them. Or, on the contrary, he will strive to prove to everyone and everything that he is capable, worthy, etc. But whose wishes will he fulfill?
Advantages and disadvantages
Surprisingly, high expectations syndrome has a number of benefits. The main thing is to encourage a person to move forward, to persistently pursue his goals. He doesn’t just sit around waiting, but draws up a real plan of action and carefully considers his every step.
If you didn’t achieve what you wanted, don’t be upset. It’s better to try to figure out what went wrong and work on the mistakes. Maybe your goal turned out to be too high and unattainable and needs to be changed? Remember the main character of the movie "Queen of the Gas Station". She dreamed of dancing ballet on ice. What's the end result? Working at a gas station in the company of male drivers and the incomparable pleasure that comes from it. The girl did not change her dream. She simply set a different goal and successfully achieved it.
As for the disadvantages, the syndrome also has them:
- problems communicating with others;
- emotional and mental exhaustion;
- other nervous disorders;
- physical health problems, including asthma, heart rhythm problems, etc.
According to psychologists, high expectations are nothing more than a consequence of self-doubt and isolation. Here you can add thinking with stereotypes. A person wants to prove to himself and others that only those who achieve their goals can become happy. This is an erroneous judgment.
Symptoms
- headache;
- heart pain;
- abdominal pain;
- panic attacks;
- dizziness;
- darkening of the eyes;
- disorders of the vestibular apparatus;
- overeating or undereating;
- increased sweating;
- pressure fluctuations;
- disturbances in the activity of the gastrointestinal tract, with extreme fluctuations from constipation to diarrhea;
- and much more.
All body systems can fail in one way or another, and this happens in a variety of stressful situations. Some manifestations may be significantly delayed in time, which greatly complicates psychodiagnostics.
If you detect at least three symptoms, immediately contact a psychologist to understand your condition and rule out somatic diseases.
If you cannot cope with neurosis even with the help of a psychologist, you should contact a neurologist and psychiatrist. However, with timely access to a psychologist, neurosis can usually be dealt with.
How to get rid of high expectations
It is enough to follow a number of simple recommendations.
Look at yourself from the outside
Notice whether your colleagues and friends are increasingly saying that you push yourself too hard, demand a lot from others, and set unrealistic goals? Maybe you are very upset because the results of your activities are not what they should ideally be? If so, look at yourself through the eyes of another person. But don’t even think about reproaching or punishing. Just calmly follow your train of thoughts and actions.
Realize that expectations are too high
This is probably the most difficult stage. Understanding and accepting that expectations from life are too high is not easy. But the main thing is that you have realized this fact. As they say, better late than never.
Now remove goals that are too serious, otherwise you will get nothing but disappointment. Place several smaller, but more realistic ones that are available.
Understand what brings happiness
Just for you, and not for your parents, spouse, or friends. Think about what activity brings you pleasure and makes you smile? Have you determined? Then find at least a little time for it. If possible, attend a couple of master classes or seminars, find like-minded people, and get additional training. This will help to make a so-called reboot, to get to know your inner “I” better.
Set only achievable goals
Learn to realistically assess your capabilities, abilities and skills. Also pay attention to deadlines. Remember that things won't always work out. Achieving ideal performance is most often a fairy tale.
Consider force majeure circumstances
Don't forget that life is unpredictable. Anything can happen: illness, disasters, economic collapse, and even a simple power outage. And these events are beyond your control. Knowing this will help you lower your expectations and enjoy every step of the way.
Drop expectations
Drop all expectations and find a solution to the situation. People don't read your mind, so don't expect your colleagues to know exactly what you want. Even if you think that something is completely obvious, you should not rush to conclusions. For example, if you want your project to be completed by Friday evening, get a written or at least verbal promise from the person responsible for it. Such a measure will once again awaken responsibility in the opponent and increase the chances of a successful resolution of the issue.
Personal experience
A couple of years ago, I also lived with high expectations. And she suffered from it. I wanted to prove to others and, above all, to myself that I was worth something in life, could achieve success, etc. I really tried to act. But the efforts did not lead to success. On the contrary, I felt even worse. One day I realized that I was tired and stopped getting joy from life. The actions were automatic. I did them because it was necessary.
I realized that something urgently needed to change. First of all, I thought about why I am doing all this: do I need it personally or am I trying for people from the outside? Pondering this question changed my life. I realized that it should bring pleasure primarily to me, and not to someone else, that I do not have to live up to anyone’s expectations. Then came the realization that too global goals do not stimulate movement, but, on the contrary, unsettle. Therefore, I changed them a little and divided them into several stages. No, I'm still moving towards them, but not at the same pace as before. And I get joy from every step I take.
Want, expect and demand
Since we're talking about over-expectations and disappointments, let's look at each of these categories in more detail. Let's start with expectations.
So where do high expectations come from?
Every living person has some “wants,” that is, desires. And even if a person claims that he doesn’t want anything, this is hardly true. It’s just that, most likely, he wants to keep his desires to himself, without sharing them with others.
Desires live and grow with us. They can be material - for example, a new cozy house or a luxury car, a breathtaking dress or an ultra-modern gadget, or intangible - how to be happy, loved, successful, a good family man, etc. But most often there are mixed desires: a loving man of such and such height with such and such hair color, an obedient and problem-free child, self-esteem when buying expensive material goods.
When we were little, our desires were also very modest. A new doll or car, mom’s warm hugs and a goodnight kiss, a fishing trip with dad – all this made us happy. We were not afraid to want and voice our desires: “Mom, buy me ice cream!” How could we be upset by eating fruit and berries instead of ice cream? It’s unlikely, because we knew that both were delicious. And even the refusal to fulfill our desire was not perceived as the end of the world - after crying a little, we began to want and trust the world again. After all, there are so many interesting things in it!
Growing up, a person understands that his desires are no longer fulfilled with the wave of a magic wand. To fulfill them, it turns out, you have to work. But, since we need to make an effort, then our desires need to be made more specific, suitable specifically for us. If it’s a dress, then it’s definitely blue and with mother-of-pearl buttons. And definitely just below the knee. A short red won't work. Not that! This is how specific expectations are born - not just “I want a dress,” but “I expect exactly this and nothing else.”
If I can ensure the fulfillment of an expectation for myself, well, I myself am responsible for it, there is no one else to blame. But what if the expectations relate to another person, but he is not inclined to fully justify them?
There may be different options here too. Either I come to terms with the fact that he cannot give it to me - and, if I really wanted it, disappointment cannot be avoided - or I begin to demand from him. “I want this and like this! This is how you should be! You must give it to me!” Is this a familiar picture?
These are inflated desires, expectations and demands, that is, the first part of the equation “Inflated expectations = disappointments”, which we have to prove or disprove.
Don't project your values onto others
Don't project your values onto your colleagues. This is especially important when it comes to joint activities with someone who is not a peer and belongs to a different generation. You need to be able to adapt to other individuals, you need to accept their distinctive features and behavioral characteristics. Moreover, all this should be turned into advantages for yourself personally, and not considered from the point of view of obstacles and problems. Thus, it is very important not to impose your model of behavior on colleagues, partners or friends, but it is recommended to use their techniques for your own benefit.
You need to check your perception
The method is called “perception testing”. When the question is related to communications, it is worth considering that the message sent is not always the information received. Whether it is personal correspondence or official news via email, one should not assume that the thought was heard as intended. To solve the problem, you need to ask the person you are communicating with to confirm that you have received the necessary information.
You need to make it clear that you want to make sure you are communicating effectively and that there is feedback. Perhaps this may seem a little intrusive and boring, but such a practice brings guaranteed success in mutual communication and allows you to obtain the necessary results, since there is confirmation that the opponent on whom the resolution of the issue depends is also involved in the process of its execution.
