“Everyone offends me,” or How to deal with touchiness

Everyone is familiar with the feeling of resentment. This is a mixed feeling, in which there is pain from humiliation, misunderstanding (“how can this be?”) and a painful need to hear from the offender some correct, necessary words at this very moment. Sound familiar?

What words does the offended person expect? Of course, situations are different, but there are a couple of general points that will help you be more effective in this matter.

Let's see what usually happens. Let's consider a typical situation when someone offended someone.

How does resentment manifest itself?

Resentment is a feeling that arises when our expectations for another person do not coincide with reality.

Women and men express this emotion differently

Representatives of the fair sex make an offended face, pout their lips, their voice becomes thinner, like that of small children. Many ladies avoid contact or ignore this uncomfortable feeling, afraid to show their vulnerability or unsociability.

Representatives of the stronger sex show resentment in the form of open anger, accusations, insults, and some physically attack. Therefore, if you don’t understand why your man suddenly became so aggressive, you can assume that he is offended by something, dissatisfied with something, but cannot express it constructively. Weaker men tend to show resentment in a feminine way - they pout, change the timbre of their voice, avoid the conversation, and harbor dissatisfaction.

Someone was offended at you: how to react?

Film "The Sword in the Stone"

If you accidentally offend someone, apologize and be friendly.

Movie "Cool Georgia"

This person does not want to pay money, and it is beneficial for him to act out the offense (and really feel offended). There is no need to apologize to someone like that.

If a girl wants to be offended and doesn’t want to talk for a long time, it’s better to leave her alone and do other things. And other girls.

Taking offense is quite stupid, but many even decent people often do it. If you are offended, your reaction can be very varied. Much depends on the validity of the offense towards you, the personality of the one who is offended and the history of your relationship.

In a well-mannered person, the reaction to an insult towards him consists of a mandatory and voluntary program. The compulsory program includes three points: figure it out, understand your contribution, apologize, the free program is the choice of the final strategy. There are also three of these strategies: a gentle exit from communication, operational psychotherapy and cultivating the habit of reasonable communication.

Now let’s talk about all this in more detail, and let’s start with the “mandatory program”.

It happens that grievances flare up out of nowhere, without any serious reason. To respond adequately, you first need to understand what actually happened: who said what and what they did. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding? So, first you need to understand the offense. When figuring things out, responsible people always first of all ask themselves: what is my personal contribution to what happened, what is my personal responsibility for the offense that has arisen? If the offense against you is somehow justified, you should immediately apologize and ask for forgiveness: informally, clearly and in detail.

If you are not to blame for what happened, but the other person is offended, it makes sense to apologize in any case. Apologizing is a formality, but well-mannered people usually do it. At least: “Sorry, I understand your feelings.” Whether he will forgive or not is no longer entirely your business - people are different, but you have done your part.

However, there are no completely standard solutions here, since once being outraged by someone else’s offense is the most effective way to stop someone else’s offense. Or, suppose you understand that the offense is clearly manipulative and the person is offended only to make you guilty and avoid his responsibility. No, you shouldn’t shift responsibility from a sore head to a healthy one; there’s no need to apologize.

The mandatory program has been completed. What's next? Next are the options. Sometimes the best solution is a gentle exit from communication with a touchy person. Dealing with other people's grievances is a rotten and thankless task, and if it is possible to simply get out of problematic communication, this is usually the most reasonable decision. No showdowns, no excuses and long conversations - the longer the conversations, the more insults there are. Make a simple decision: don’t understand anything, apologize and hush it up for clarity: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” then smile and change the subject. Or better yet, stop communicating with such people altogether.

In principle, you should stay away from those who are offended and touchy. Touchy girlfriends, touchy girls you know—are you sure you should maintain close contact with them? Usually there are more troubles and troubles than benefits and joys.

If you are a woman, and your man is offended by you, do the same thing, but with two caveats. First, it is very likely that the man was not offended, but angry with you. Attention: if you are not absolutely sure that this is exactly his RESULT, and you admit that he is ANGRY with you, proceed from the second. Telling a man that he is offended when he is angry with you is making him doubly angry. According to men, only women and children are offended, so you should be careful here.

The second caveat is that if a man is really offended by you, you should not deal with him. Men are not offended.

Further.

It’s really better not to deal with people who are touchy, but it’s not always possible to stop communicating with them so decisively. There are people who are dear, interesting, pleasant, necessary and loved - there are many people around you with whom you will communicate anyway, but it is useless to educate and re-educate them. In these cases, operational psychotherapy can help - quickly help a person relieve emotional stress and negative experiences.

It is most likely no longer worth raising a mother-in-law and teaching them how to live. You also usually can’t count on the fact that small children will understand you right away.

In these, let’s call them difficult cases, operational psychotherapy in the everyday version is optimal: an appropriate soft joke, distracting, letting someone talk out and other options for emotional response, emotional switching, involvement in something -interesting and attractive, just giving flowers or ice cream - all this helps a person get out of grievances, remove mental pain, get rid of anger, overcome frustration, and mitigate other negative experiences.

The most win-win, but also the most “expensive” option is to give varied, always different answers, but aimed at the desired goal. The most “inexpensive” and reliable option is a typical three-point reaction: neutral, react, switch. That is, initially you react neutrally to grievances that once arise, in no way, like to this or that weather phenomenon - not because you don’t care, but in order not to create positive reinforcement for the habit of being offended around you. After this, you give the person the opportunity to react to his emotions, that is, to speak out, snore, cry a little and even swear - just to make his soul feel better! And after that, as soon as this turns out to be possible, you switch to something more positive.

You distract children with other entertainment, offer adult children appropriate activities, or include them in your positive communication. If suddenly this is your beloved girl, then flowers, care and other signs of attention are always very welcome. Moreover, you will most likely enjoy it!

And the most important and at the same time the most difficult thing is not just to remove the offense “here and now,” but to begin to slowly wean off the habit of being offended. Education, especially re-education, is an exclusively creative matter, but most often three points, three possibilities turn out to be useful here: set a format, discuss what is happening, teach reasonable communication. This is a separate large project, if you are interested, read “Cultivating Good Habits. How to wean off insults and teach reasonable communication?”

How does resentment arise?

It occurs when our expectations about another person are exaggerated. For example, we come up with expectations about someone and remain silent. That is, we think that he (s) will act as we have come up with, as we expect. As a result, it turns out that a friend, colleague, relative, neighbor, husband does not always fall into the spectrum of our expectations. It hit here, but not there. We deprive a person of valuable information, and he acts blindly.

And the second case is when the other knows our expectations, but does not want to follow them. Or he followed here, he didn’t follow here. We know this, but we still refuse to accept reality and live in a permanent state of “he will change someday.”

In both cases, the responsibility for the offense lies with us. We came up with something for ourselves, no one asked us to do it.

In time, the feeling of resentment should last only a few minutes while we make a decision: “How will I behave with this person?” That is: “I already know that he does this, how will I act now? What kind of relationship will I build with a person who did not fulfill my expectations? If we have found the right solution, then resentment, having played its role, should go away. This is a healthy experience of this feeling. At the end of the article, I will give a step-by-step algorithm for getting rid of resentment using a simple example.

Why don't people want to get rid of grievances? I’ll share my observations: because not everyone wants this. The situation ended a long time ago: spouses, for example, remained together or separated after cheating, but one of them continues to carry resentment within himself for years. Or the mother has been in conflict with her daughter for years, time has passed, both live separately, but still hate each other.

What do we usually do?

One person offended another. The second one feels humiliated.

The first feels guilty under the influence of his conscience or the actions of the offended person.

At the same time, he experiences a powerful desire to restore his good name (after all, he is actually good!) and, trying to apologize and explain himself, in fact, he justifies himself.

This is exactly what we often do. The essence of the justification: “I really am good.”

But the offended continues to feel humiliated!

And, in turn, humiliates the offender by direct attack or inducing feelings of guilt (accusation, tears, etc.). The first one is justified again.

The process becomes cyclical. It's almost impossible to get to the top.

The offended person breaks off communication and leaves.

I was able to observe this phenomenon from three sides. I, of course, was in the shoes of the offended person (introspection was and remains the main method of a research psychologist). I was a therapist for the offended and the offender. And finally, she was the offender. And it was in this position that I remembered what words I expected when I myself was offended.

At the very beginning, I wrote down two main components of the offense. Firstly, pain from humiliation, and secondly, confusion: “How is this possible?”, “What happened?”, “We were just friends, and suddenly...”. So here it is. It's simple. It is on these two points that we need to act.

How to get rid of it

Here, for your choice, are the most effective ways how resentment in psychology can be overcome.

Awareness. You cannot understand what your offense is. In this case, turn on your mind and understand that this is an illusion. You just wanted it that way. If you understand the essence of your emotions, then you should clarify the situation with the offender. It’s better to let the feeling of grief remain.
Learn to forgive . So that this phrase does not cause a feeling of protest, understand that you yourself need it first of all. Think of forgiving your offender as liberation from an oppressive state. Life will deal with him without you. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.
Don't lie to yourself. We are often offended when we are told truths about ourselves that are unpleasant for us. We don't really want to admit that we're not perfect. But at least admit to yourself that this is so. And mentally thank the “offender.” Replace resentment with gratitude.
NLP method. Neurolinguistic programming (a way of programming thinking). On a piece of paper, draw an image or write the name of the person who offended you. Write down everything you think about him with the release of the emotions that oppress you. Read your notes. Then burn them with the thought that the resentment was burned too.
Visualization. Take something large, but not very hard (pillow, mattress, punching bag). Let go of both resentment and anger. Hit this object, scream, even using profanity (profanity, for those who don’t know). If your soul feels lighter, then you have completed the task.
Help from a specialist. For difficult cases. Especially when touchiness has become an ingrained habit. And this habit led to illness on a physical level.

The concept of resentment in psychology

This feeling manifests itself as a reaction to injustice. Injustice against ourselves. And everyone has their own concept. And this is the first clue for understanding what to do next.

This feeling is accompanied by the experience of negative emotions such as anger and pity. We naturally get angry at the offender. And of course we feel sorry for ourselves. And depending on the circumstances, these emotions can be quite intense. Those. be very strong.

The word pity has the root “sting.” Therefore, to pity means to sting (to humiliate). It has a negative meaning. Do not confuse with such manifestations of feelings as mercy and sympathy.

The birthplace of resentment is our childhood. Here it manifests itself as a child, as manipulation. This is a sure-fire way to be “seen” by adults. The little man has no other way to reach us when he needs something. And in this case, touchiness manifests itself.

How to understand that a person is offended. 10 signs

Offended or not offended? Yes, I guess not... Then why is she acting so strange? Yes, I didn’t do anything like that. Or did you?

In order not to be tormented by these questions, thinking for hours about whether she was offended by you or not, read 10 signs that a girl is harboring a grudge against you, and find out for sure what is happening to her.

It is difficult for us men to understand whether a girl is offended by us or not. We often fall into a stupor and do not understand what is happening at all. So, let's figure it out.

She doesn't start the conversation first

Women just want to chat, but she hasn't started the conversation all day long. This is a warning sign.

She answers, but very briefly

Usually she doesn’t write you an SMS, but a whole novel, talks for a long time about going to the store with her friends, but here you can’t get a word out of her. The most she can answer you is “no” and “yes.” Things are bad, man.

She hesitates to answer or is completely silent

Girls are used to checking their phone several times a day, and if you sent her a message 5 hours ago and she still hasn’t responded to it, there’s a high chance that she’s harboring a grudge.

She doesn't continue the conversation

Women love to discuss everything from global warming to the new tights she bought on sale. But it seems that your girlfriend is not at all interested in continuing the conversation and wants to end it as quickly as possible. If this happens several times a day, this is a reason to think about it.

She's happy to show off

If you date her for a long time, you are able to distinguish genuine joy from feigned joy. If a girl pretends that everything is fine and she is incredibly happy, then either she has problems or you have driven her crazy.

She doesn't want to touch you

Well, you know, girls love things like running through your hair, kissing you before they break up, and all that stuff. And here... nothing. She doesn't touch you at all. If this happens for a couple of hours, this is the norm, but all day long... She definitely gets angry.

She doesn't care about your choice and your tastes

She loves you, which means that she knows perfectly well what food you prefer, what movies you like to watch, and so on. If she left you a bag of Doshirak instead of preparing your favorite ribs for dinner as always, you know that clouds are gathering over you.

She starts making mountains out of molehills

If she is offended by you, then any little thing that would have previously passed her attention begins to infuriate her. And that’s exactly how it comes to you.

She only calls you by name

And there are no bunnies, bear cubs or other fauna there. Exclusively by name. Okay, at least the middle name doesn’t add up.

To all your proposals she replies “I don’t care”

No one wants to hear these three words. They are offensive, they offend, and they reek of contempt for their interlocutor. Of course she cares, she just wants to hurt you. And, most likely, he believes that you deserve it.

If a man is offended: how to return to normal relations?

After a man’s grievances are expressed and an apology is made, tension . To remove it and avoid similar situations in the future, remember the need for tact . For example, if something does not suit you in an intimate relationship, do not resort to harsh phrases and rude reproaches - you will not only hurt your partner, but will also develop complexes in him. Just tell him about your wishes, emphasize that this is important to you.
Do not insult or criticize his friends, much less his relatives. If you manage to establish friendly, warm relationships with them, this will prevent many offenses. Remember that your man values these people.

Insulting loved ones is a common cause of resentment among men.

the signs of attention you provide will be especially pleasant , which will emphasize that you still love him, despite all the disagreements. Don’t forget about gifts, even if they are symbolic souvenirs - they will speak of your care and attention. And, of course, do not miss the opportunity to praise your partner, say a kind word to him, or give him a compliment.
jealous by nature , restrain your impulses. If you force him to make excuses for something that exists only in your fantasy, a new offense is inevitable.
Let him spend his free time in accordance with his interests, not your desires. Is he an avid fisherman? Let him go fishing on his day off, and not accompany you on your next shopping spree. An avid fan will be much more welcoming and positive in his relationships after attending a match involving his favorite team. If you force him with an ultimatum to devote all his leisure time to you, you will only cause his indignation, and there can be no talk of returning the relationship to normal.
If your boyfriend wants to speak out, give him this opportunity, don’t cut him off or walk away from the conversation. Relationships in a couple should be trusting and respectful , based on mutual support - then your relationship will quickly and painlessly return to normal.

Resentment and touchiness: what is the difference?

Resentment is a reaction, often demonstrative, in response to a statement, action or lack of action. The person is trying to show that he is dissatisfied with the course of what is happening, that he expected something different, and with all his appearance he demonstrates how strong his disappointment is. Intertwined with the offense is disappointment (one thing was expected, but something else happened), pain and sadness (“I didn’t expect this from you”), excitement and anxiety (what if it happens again), powerlessness (“you are stronger - that’s why you think you’re right”), irritation and anger (“I will take revenge on you”).

Resentment is like the flu: you can have a fever and recover in a couple of days, but perhaps the inflammation will take over the entire body and cause a chronic condition or destroy the carrier. This condition is called resentment. A very touchy person is ready to constantly take offense at all possible irritants, sometimes erecting piles of non-existent problems out of nowhere, showing with all his appearance how unfair the world is to him.

All a person’s feelings are a subjective thing, but the feeling of resentment is several times stronger than all others, since one’s “I” and personal dignity are placed above others.

The person gets offended and doesn’t speak for a long time. What to do if you are offended?

First, analyze how you contributed to the situation that left the other person feeling bitter and resentful. Perhaps you really are to blame. In order to resolve the situation painlessly, in most cases there is nothing easier than to approach and. We are all different, and therefore, when communicating with each other, jokes, remarks, barbs, and a dismissive attitude can be offensive. When a person is offended and does not speak, it means that you hurt him more than you thought. Figure out what the matter is, in the very essence of the offense; it often lies a little deeper than on the surface.

The example of a boss snapping at an excellent employee who spent the whole night preparing a report at his request is quite common. Yes, being offended at work is unprofessional, but a subordinate may harbor a subconscious resentment that will affect the future desire to perform duties. Often it is the people who are loyal to you who are offended. You could raise your voice, point out a flaw in front of everyone, scold them for some mistakes, but not move from the professional to the personal sphere. Resentment works in a similar way both in family and friendships.

Why do people get offended?

In society, each person receives his share of recognition and attention. If the work of a person or himself, as it seems to him, is not appreciated, then resentment begins to accumulate on a subconscious level. This is especially pronounced in people whom, but they tried in every possible way to please and be useful.

If you were not noticed, then in adult life the compensation factor comes into play. You will want more attention, affection, warmth, confirmation of importance.

There is nothing wrong with this, but your behavior can provoke other people to make harsh statements.

For example, you ask why people are offended by you, but you yourself do not understand that with your desire to move forward and get a share of attention, you are turning everyone against you. If someone is offended and does not talk, then think, why is this happening? Are there really too touchy people gathered around? You can apologize many times, but until you reconsider the reasons, you will find yourself in similar situations (even with different people).

Where does all this come from? A systemic view of resentment

Is the situation familiar? We all experience similar displays of emotion. For my small family this is not the hardest option yet.

Resentment is an imbalance. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, there is a category of people for whom the need for balance is global; all relationships in the family, at work, among acquaintances and friends are built on it.

Exactly, correctly, fairly - everything should be just this way and no other way. This is accompanied by an excellent memory for past events. It’s not for nothing that these people become the best teachers - only they are able to accumulate a solid database and then pass it on to the next generations.

True, with the loss of realization (for example, after retirement), their wonderful properties no longer find their previous application, which often affects their resentment. Their memory begins to process information that is not entirely useful, or rather, very harmful. Who did what wrong. Life with such people becomes like walking through a minefield, where careless movement undermines them all at the same time and more than once. Kilotons tend to grow over time.

What to do so that the guy doesn’t get offended

So what should you do to smooth out the conflict? Let's consider options and solutions.

What to do to prevent grievances

Discuss mutual expectations often and ask for each other's opinions. The more you know each other, the easier it will be to predict mutual reactions and prevent actions that provoke resentment and conflict.

I'm offended by a man, how to behave

How often do you yourself get offended? Do you remain silent for a long time if you are offended? Are you withdrawn or manipulative?

When offended, behave nobly, the way you would like an offended person to treat you. Don’t forget that the motives for his offenses and actions are not clear from the outside; don’t be afraid to tell him what you expected from him and how you see the further development of events.

Become the best version of yourself

Pay attention to your behavior and observe yourself when you are offended. Ask yourself, does your companion deserve such a woman? What can you do to become better, more caring, more friendly?

We are not talking about the ideal housewife, but think for yourself - does your behavior correspond to the wife that your husband sees in you?

Show by your example and behavior that accusations and coldness will lead to nothing, that none of you in particular is to blame, this is how the circumstances developed. Don’t put pressure and don’t let yourself be put under pressure, speak directly about what upset you.

Think twice before being offended or offending your partner. It is better to prevent offense than to wait until he stops behaving this way.

Even more articles about relationships can be found at this link.

Source: etolubov.com

How not to behave if a man is offended?

You should never express retaliatory grievances. Even if you think that there is every reason for this, hide your retaliatory offense. If you value relationships and do not want to lose your loved one, do not be offended in return: such a backlash can completely destroy your relationship.
If a man is offended, do not throw hysterics and showdowns - this can lead to even bigger problems. Do not resort to manipulation, threats and provocations.
Don't ignore the man and his grievance completely. This may be perceived by him as indifference to his person and feelings.
Don't apologize insincerely. Falsehood is always heard. It’s better to wait a while to better feel the need to ask for forgiveness and find the right words.
And most importantly, don’t panic, rushing to your friends or parents for advice. Your quarrels and grievances are the internal subtleties of your relationship, which should be built based on your own sensations and feelings, and not on the experience of others.

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Why is resentment bad?

The soul is responsible for our experiences. And spiritually we are so constructed that we cannot help but experience feelings. But we can be aware of our feelings (not all of them, of course). This means we can control them. This is how mature people (adults) differ from children and teenagers.

Resentment in psychology is a feeling that burdens life. If we turn to psychosomatics, this feeling is the cause of many diseases. It is especially important to know that retaining such a feeling directly leads to cancer. And if you don't know, cancer is incurable in traditional medicine.

In childhood, touchiness is perceived by the child as a way of receiving parental attention. In adults, this behavior is already called mental resentment. It has a permanent (constant) nature. Those. touchiness develops into a habit, into a character trait.

You can get rid of this feeling through awareness. Touchiness as a character trait is very difficult to eliminate. Therefore, it is better not to let this happen. It turns out that our offender is often unaware of our condition. But by holding this feeling inside, we are as if we are digging our own grave.

How long can a man be offended?

Psychologists say that the norm for the initial stage of a relationship, when it is not yet completely clear how serious and strong they are, is 2-3 days during which a man can be offended by you. If your boyfriend does not resume communication after this period, then, most likely, you should hardly expect the relationship to improve.
As for longer-term, family relationships, we can’t talk about any specific terms, since each couple has its own subtleties of communication, relationships and foundations. Someone may not communicate for weeks, and thus the spouses simply “rest” from each other. Others can make peace within a day, and after another two they can quarrel again, making claims to each other and being mutually offended.

The duration of the resentment depends on the format of your relationship