How to teach a child to stand up for himself: to fight back when offended, to defend himself?

Often parents of preschool and school-age children think about how to teach their child to stand up for themselves. Parents are concerned about the child’s excessive calm and friendliness: they may take his things away from him or call him names and tease him, but he remains calm and allows himself to continue to be bullied.

Why can’t a child fight back against his offenders? How can I help him? What can and cannot be done by parents in this case? This article will help you understand the issues that concern you.

The need to prepare a child to stand up for himself

A “home” child, as a rule, is caressed and loved by his parents.
Finding yourself in an unfamiliar environment, where he is no longer the “center of the universe,” you can quickly encounter negativity. Often, not only from verbal influence, but also with physical manifestation. Often, a child begins to experience such complex emotions at a very early age. For example, in kindergarten or school. He does not dare to talk about his grievances and difficult relationships in a new environment for him. Or he doesn't want to. And he is left alone with his own problem, which is often completely unsolvable for him.

The rudeness of peers and the indifference of adults towards a child is actually a problem not only for him, but also for his parents. They must anticipate difficulties of this kind for their baby, and must teach him the ability to cope with such circumstances if they arise at any stage of life.

A person at any age should be able to stand up for himself. Naturally, without losing dignity. And without betraying his ideals, the feelings instilled in him in the family, its foundations, from early childhood. To be able to protect yourself and your loved ones - this is what parents should teach a child.

Is it right to teach your child to always be rude if the rudeness was directed towards him? Of course, you can teach your child to fight in advance and beat a possible opponent for any reason. In this case, you can be sure that the child will feel his strength and invincibility. He will have high self-esteem. But isn’t there even greater power in the force?

There is no clear solution to this problem. Perhaps your children should conduct a master class in advance on how to physically confront their offenders. Like “suddenly need it.” But if there is a repeated situation of bullying with the use of physical force against a child, then a response is possible according to the insults inflicted.

Correcting family education methods

The inability to protect oneself can also arise due to upbringing.

• Parents do not allow the child to see the resolution of conflicts in the family. But most reactions, including defensive ones, are learned by children from adults.
• A very strong-willed mother, accustomed to taking all the burdens and difficulties upon herself, does not give the child the opportunity to try to solve his problems himself, even if he is capable of doing so.
• The mother or another relative controls the baby’s every movement, not allowing him to do anything on his own (“Don’t run, you’ll fall,” “Don’t climb there,” “Move away from the slide,” etc.).
• During the formation of independent skills (usually at three years old), the child was protected from them.

How can parents teach a timid child to stand up for interests?

A family psychologist is a godsend for families with problem children. Can't afford the services of a specialist? Listen to basic advice.

All of them are aimed at teaching a timid child to defend his interests in the environment in which he is now and will be in the future.

• Teach your student to be objective when it comes to standing up for themselves in the face of the bully. Let him first assess the situation, and then choose how to behave: use physical force or avoid it.
• Victim psychology is a syndrome that affects not only children, but also adults. Therefore, the sooner parents help the baby get rid of it, the better.
• Set the right example. If mom and dad avoid the conflict, then no words will help. First of all, educate yourself and follow your own advice.
• The sports section is the best thing parents can do for their child. The right kind of sport builds self-esteem, increases immunity and improves physical condition.
• A growing person should know that she has the right to choose. This means not agreeing with everything that is proposed and standing your ground. This model of behavior will protect the child from unwanted company.
• In order for a child to develop healthy self-esteem, it is useful for him to get involved in something. Only if he has hobbies and interests will he feel like an individual.
• Wit is a quality that helps you cope with difficult situations. It is possible to artificially create situations in which children can fight back against adults.
• Self-confidence is a skill that is necessary for both adults and children.

Most childhood problems have their roots in the family. Take into account family relationships when a baby appears in your home. The ability to stand up for yourself does not always mean aggression and physical violence. Teach how to find a conscientious compromise that can help resolve most conflicts.

Learn how to independently manage conflicts

The less an adult interferes in children's quarrels, the better. But it is important to understand that complete non-interference is possible only after long preparatory work.

Montessori centers practice the maieutic method of Daniele Novara, an Italian teacher and psychologist, founder of the Psycho-Pedagogical Center for Education and Conflict Resolution.

The purpose of using the method is to develop in children the ability to resolve conflict situations, teach them to stand up for themselves and come to an agreement with another person independently, judiciously, without violence, each time involving adults less and less. You can teach yourself to become clearer in the same way as you can teach how to tie your shoelaces, put on your shoes, and get dressed.

Here are the basic principles of the method:

• Don't look for someone to blame. If an adult intervenes, the feeling of the severity of the problem in the child’s eyes will increase. Even if the reason for disagreement is trivial, and the quarrel was a game or a way to attract attention.
• Do not offer your solution . Often the solution that an adult offers is incomprehensible to children and is far from their perception of the problem. This means that it will not have a positive effect - it will only confuse. They will not draw useful conclusions, and the conflict will repeat.
• Ask both parties to explain the reason for the quarrel orally or in writing . In the process, children learn to express their thoughts and emotions, convey their vision of the situation to others, and calm down. If they are very small, drawings are suitable for explanations. The role of the adult is to encourage them to communicate, while taking a neutral position himself.
• Support the final agreement created by the parties to the conflict . When children express their positions and share thoughts about the reason for the quarrel with each other, a solution is born on its own. The adult’s task is to support the situation without imposing his point of view. After all, he has already directed and shown the way to peacefully resolve problems. This means that the further you go, the less often children will involve their elders during quarrels.

Let's look at an example of how the maieutic method works. In kindergarten, Vanya constantly offends Lena and Katya: he takes away their toys and calls them names. At first the girls tolerated this, but one day they also decided to call Vanya names. The boy answered. Teacher Alice, seeing that the children were quarreling, did not try to figure it out herself, much less look for those to blame. But when the degree of emotion dropped, I decided to carefully intervene to guide and help clarify the situation.

To do this, she invited Vanya, Katya and Lena to take turns telling each other their versions of events in detail and listening without interrupting. I asked everyone: “How did you quarrel?”, “Why do you think this happened?” To answer the teacher’s questions, the children switched from emotions to thoughts. They calmed down a little, and the following became clear:

Katya: Vanya, you constantly offend us because we don’t play with you. When you come up to us, we now start calling you names too, because it’s unpleasant for us.

Lena: Vanya, you want to play with us, but then why take our toys away and call us names? We don't want to play with those who offend us.

Vanya: You are not playing with me and you said that I was stupid. I’m offended, so I take your toys away and call you names.

After listening to the conversation, Alice asked them to think about what each of them could do to no longer quarrel with each other, and so that everyone gets what they want. The decision was born on its own - the girls agreed to play with Vanya, and he promised not to take away their toys anymore and stop calling them names. And the older they got, the less often Alice and other teachers intervened in new quarrels.

With this approach, children learn to stop and express their thoughts, grievances, and emotions during a quarrel. Listen to each other. Of course, on the way to this discovery they go through emotional outbursts, tears, and sometimes even fights. But then they understand how to coexist peacefully with others - to talk when they don’t like something, and come up with solutions together. Don’t suppress your emotions and endure.

We have another article on the topic from a certified method specialist.

Daniele Novara's technique gives a truly stunning effect: children communicate with each other directly, without an adult intermediary. He just stands nearby and helps in building a constructive dialogue, and over time he becomes unnecessary

Teaching a child to stand up for himself does not mean showing him how to attack another in return . This means much more: developing intelligence and empathy so that everyone has a good understanding of themselves and other people. He knew how to avoid getting into an unpleasant situation and how to get out of it competently if he couldn’t avoid it. He was able to apply his knowledge in practice and adapt to a constantly changing environment.

Rule three. Don't show fear.

The child returns from school. On the way, older children meet and begin to threaten. No one has the right to force a person to act against his will, or to threaten or cause pain - this is what your child must learn. It’s worth explaining to him that you need to be able to defend yourself, although not always with your fists. You need to be able to find the strength in yourself to smooth out the conflict and not show fear, even if you are so scared that your voice trembles

Staying strong and having a confident dialogue is the most important thing. Well, if it doesn’t help, and the offender starts a fight, then your child should be able to defend himself

Teach him simple self-defense techniques. Just in case. If he knows that he can respond to a physical blow, then in such situations it will be easier for him to “hit” with words.

Recommendation #3: Every act of physical violence must be responded to appropriately.

Here's an example:

1. If a child is hit on the shoulder with a fist, he should do the same.
2. If a child is given a butt, then he must give a butt in return.
3. If a child is hit in the face with a hand, he should do the same.

This is necessary in order to show the bully: for every action there will be a reaction. Which must be done with more force than the bully did. So that the latter, again, loses the desire to show physical aggression towards your child.

How to teach a child to fight back?

Before taking active steps, you need to observe the child’s behavior among his peers. There are cases when seemingly exemplary children themselves provoke a negative attitude towards themselves. If the child himself acts as an aggressor, then it is worth immediately having an educational conversation with him and explaining the mistakes of his behavior.

If your child is actually a victim, then watching him, you will definitely see it. Children with a victim complex are usually immediately visible:

• They rarely raise their heads, preferring to look at the floor.
• Their shoulders are slumped and their whole appearance seems to indicate that they are trying to hide.
• Their speech is monotonous and their voice is very quiet.
• They may complain about their offenders, cry and run away.
• They often try to stay away from the company of peers.

Important

Parents of a child with a victim complex have a lot of work to do to raise their child’s self-esteem. Under no circumstances should you criticize him or demand active action. Having decided to teach your child to fight back against offenders, it would not be superfluous to:

Having decided to teach your child to fight back against bullies, it would not be superfluous to:

• Instill awareness of your own importance. Every child must understand that he is a full-fledged person with his own needs and rights. He must believe that he cannot be offended.
• Learn to protect your interests. It is necessary to explain to the child in what situations he should begin to defend himself: if they call him names, try to hit him, take away his things, insult his parents and other relatives, humiliate him.
• Discuss with your child the essence of the conflict with the offender. In order to find a way to solve the problem, you need to understand the reason for what is happening. Why the conflict occurred at all, how its participants behave, what they say. You need to tell your child how you can resist aggressors, how to do it correctly with the least damage to yourself, how to correctly calculate your strengths so as not to cause much damage to the offender, but still win.
• Visiting sports sections. It would be a good idea to attend self-defense classes. A trip to a boxing or karate class will not only teach a child to resist forcefully if necessary, but will also have a beneficial effect on overall health.
• Explain the inadmissibility of provocations. The child must know how to behave in the company of peers or surrounded by strangers. Yes, yes, he must understand what is good and what is bad. Explain to him what actions can be considered a provocation, since many offenders themselves do not understand that their actions are causing a quarrel.

We start with family

It is close people who lay the foundations for a child’s behavior in society. Often, due to a lack of knowledge, due to their character or the general situation in the family, adults do not think about these issues at all. But in vain.

A child is a reflection of your actions

• Children from a very young age literally “read” information from their parents. The model of their behavior is absorbed into the child’s consciousness as the only correct one.
• If dad constantly sorts things out, yells at mom and, in the worst case, gives up, then the son, and maybe the daughter, will try to behave the same way in society. Even at 2 or 3 years old, such a child will show aggression, first on the playground, and then in kindergarten and school.
• In the case when the mother constantly cries, is offended and tolerates the aggressive behavior of the father, then the daughter can then live her whole life in the role of a victim and choose a tyrant husband.
• When in a family the basis of relationships is love and respect, and all disputes are resolved only with the help of reasonable arguments, then it will be savagery for children to fight back against the offender with their fists.

One of the reasons why your child plays the role of the offended in the team and is afraid to prove that he is right is your relationship with your spouse. Therefore, first analyze the atmosphere in the house, start with the main thing - with yourself.

Does a child’s character affect his relationships in the team?

Definitely yes. Family relationships are only one aspect that influences the formation of personality. The other is the individual characteristics of the child’s psyche, character traits and type of temperament.

1. No matter how much you force a melancholic child to actively play with other children in the first days of kindergarten, he will not do this. It is difficult for such children to communicate and make contact, they slowly get used to an unfamiliar environment and often cannot stand up for themselves.
2. Cholerics are a completely different story. These children can have loud fun and then also cry loudly. High excitability and impulsiveness often force a child to defend his rights; in a state of irritation and anger, a child can calmly get into a fight.
3. Introverts are children who often withdraw into themselves, they love solitude, are secretive, and can play on their own for hours. They have their own world, into which they hardly let others in. Extroverts adapt well to a team; they are often leaders in a group or class, and participate in all competitions and class showdowns.

And this is not a complete list of how children of the same age can differ from each other. No one knows the child better than the parents, so before sending the child to kindergarten or school, have a conversation with him, prepare the child mentally for a new chapter in his life and take into account his individuality.

Causes of conflicts and ways to resolve them

Peaceful, calm children are more likely than others to become victims of aggressive behavior of their peers, which makes parents think about how to teach their child to fight back. Typically, conflicts occur due to divergent personal interests. The cause of a child's quarrel or fight can be offensive words, toys or a place on sports and entertainment facilities installed on the playground.

The development of children's communicative competence presupposes the ability to independently make a choice - to give in to offenders or to actively resist them. However, the participation of parents in the conflict is not limited to the role of observers. To teach how to defend oneself, you need to psychologically prepare the child for such situations and explain how to behave depending on the circumstances.

You can teach your child to immediately run to complain to elders or immediately strike the offender. If you want to raise a brawler or a sneak, you can limit yourself to these instructions without trying to understand the reasons for the current situation, without trying to delve into the inner world of a child experiencing difficulties. However, having assessed the prospects and taking care of the future of an immature person, it is worth teaching the child to stand up for himself, as required by his rights.

The first thing worth drawing his attention to is that no person has the right to offend another. Psychologists recommend that parents who want to teach their son or daughter to stand up for themselves should focus their children’s attention on such methods of resolving conflicts as communication and agreement

Professionals believe that it is always possible to reach an agreement with the opposing party. Moreover, in this situation, children from an early age learn the art of diplomacy and “bloodless” settlement of disputes.

To teach a boy or girl to stand up for themselves, it is important to discuss with them in detail all possible controversial issues and explain how best to react in each specific situation. The power of a correctly used word or quick feet if you have to run away are a worthy alternative to open physical violence.

Negotiation skills are instilled through stories about similar real situations from the past of parents, relatives, and acquaintances.

Before choosing a tactic of action, it is worth considering whether it is necessary to teach the child not to be afraid to fight if any physical clash is fraught with consequences such as physical and mental injury. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, for example, by teaching a girl or boy how to react to hurtful words, provocations, and other manifestations of intolerance and aggression from others.

Why doesn't the baby know how to fight back?

There may be several reasons:

1. Instilling in a child that fighting is bad. The child has a stereotype that good children never get into fights.
2. The kid understands that fighting is a bad way to resolve a conflict.
3. No experience communicating with peers. Before kindergarten, the child communicated mainly with adults; he had not yet understood how to behave with children.

Recommendations from psychologists

Of course, any parent wants their child to be generous, responsive, but at the same time have inner strength and be able to protect himself. However, it is worth remembering that a couple of heart-to-heart conversations will not be enough for the child to change his guidelines and begin to live according to a new attitude.

Raising a self-sufficient and harmoniously developed personality is a process that takes more than one year and requires maximum strength, attention and wisdom.

First of all, it is necessary to teach a child to be a leader from a very early age. Being a leader is not only about being able to fight back when necessary, it is about being able to turn a situation around using only words. But if things do take a bad turn, then the leader simply must be able to stand up for himself.

Psychologists strongly advise parents to pay attention to the following recommendations:

Teach your child to be objective. He must be able to correctly assess the situation and possible threats. Explain that it is not always worth going into the active phase of confrontation and starting to wave your fists. Perhaps the conflict is not so serious and all complaints can be resolved through a normal conversation.

Learn not to be a victim. If the child, due to his age, does not yet understand what a victim is, then the schoolchild already understands the essence of this concept. Tell him about what such a social position can lead to. You shouldn’t exaggerate so as not to scare, but you also shouldn’t be too sparing of your child’s peace of mind. He must clearly realize that if he gives up even once, it will be very difficult to get up and wash himself off the status of a weakling.

Remember that for a child you are a role model. We must never forget that the family is a reference model of interaction for a child. From an early age, children take the behavior of their mother and father as a model and try to match it. Therefore, be very careful in your words and actions.

Learn to say “no.” Explain to your child that he is not obliged to support all the proposals of his friends and fulfill all their requests. If he doesn’t want to do something, then no one has the right to force him. Don't be afraid to refuse, otherwise he will have a reputation as a trouble-free mattress that can be used recklessly.

Build self-confidence. Various hobbies can contribute to the development of adequate self-esteem. Don't stop your child from doing what he likes if it's safe for him. Your child should have the ability to realize their talents and abilities and not be afraid of the opinions of others.

Develop wit and originality. Don't underestimate the benefits of public speaking. Spend plenty of time developing your child's resourcefulness and communication skills. Let him learn to respond and react instantly even in the most difficult situations. Classes can be conducted in a playful way; this method of learning will be interesting and will not cause rejection in the child.

Learn to choose your friends wisely

Explain to your child the value of true friendship and how important it is to value your friends and respect their needs. This does not mean that he should put all his efforts into realizing their desires

On the contrary, the correct approach to this question will help the child understand what friendship is and who can be considered friends and who just acquaintances. Tell him why he should not communicate with negative people and how to avoid them.

Teach to ignore provocations. If your child has been given an offensive nickname, he should not try to justify it. Let him ignore caustic remarks addressed to him and the offender, seeing that his attempts to bring him into conflict do not bring the expected results, simply stop bullying him. Otherwise, the nickname may stay with the child for many years. But in the case when the offender crosses all the boundaries of what is permissible and ordinary “teasing” turns into real humiliation, you should be ready to give a real fight back.

Learn not to give in to fear. Everyone, without exception, has their own hidden fear. If they tell you otherwise, then they are simply lying. It’s just that some people know how to hide their fears, while others don’t. Teach your child not to act on phobias and not to expose them to public display. This behavior will play into his hands and make it clear to others that he is a strong and self-confident person.

Most of a person's problems come from family and improper upbringing. Be prepared to change your methods of influencing your child if your efforts do not bring the expected results

Pay attention to family relationships; perhaps you simply do not notice that your words and actions not only do not help, but also cause harm. If you cannot help your child, then it is better to seek help from a psychologist

Rule six. Instill a love for sports.

Let's go back to the same sports store where it all started. Remember that a morning jog with mom, winter skiing with dad, or a serious passion for swimming will help build self-confidence. Infect your child with a love of sports. This is good for both you and him. Sport develops patience and endurance, motivates to achieve goals in competitions and will certainly lead to victory. A child who has tasted victory in sports competitions will win in life and will certainly always be able to stand up for himself in difficult situations. In addition, it is not easy to offend, humiliate, or force a physically strong child to do something against his will.

Kids need help too

Almost all of the above applies rather to children of older preschool and school age. But what about the parents of those kids who are still difficult to teach how to properly respond to attacks from their peers, because they are still very young.

Babies show interest in other children at approximately 14-16 months. Two-year-olds can already be taught to interact, but usually they concentrate on their play.

Even when babies are already 2-3 years old, it is difficult for them to understand what adults mean by the words “give change.” But even here you can use the recommendations of psychologists.

Kids are not able to sort out conflict, so you must always be on guard. Try to watch the game all the time and be there if you need help.

Use a trick: involve several positive-minded children in one game. This way you will force the bullies to obey the rules so as not to be left out of the game.

Don't let your kids behave aggressively. We need to teach the little ones flexibility and goodwill towards each other.

If all of your child's toys have been taken away and he is quietly playing with one shovel, do not rush to conclusions. This does not mean at all that “he will be offended all his life.”

Try to teach your child to show his peers if their actions are unpleasant to him. For example, let him ask why the offender is doing this and explain that no one plays with pugnacious children.

You will not notice how the baby grows up, and by the age of 6-7 years he will not have to be taught the rules and prohibitions in communicating with peers.

Perhaps many parents are still of the opinion that a blow should be followed by the same response. This is quite logical. But we live in a civilized world, where generosity and compliance are welcomed, the ability to establish new contacts and the ability to win someone over are valued. These instilled qualities will serve the child well in the future.

Problems in kindergarten

From the age of three, children begin to communicate with peers. They are just learning to interact with each other, and therefore, from this age, it is necessary to explain to them how to behave with other children. Such children cannot yet understand the conflict themselves, so your constant monitoring is necessary.

Do not stray far from your baby while they are playing together, and if you feel that your child is uncomfortable in a new society, intervene in the game and try to solve the troubles that arise.

How should parents behave?

Was your child unable to fight back against his abuser? Do not scold him for this under any circumstances! “Don't be a weakling! Don’t disgrace me with your complaints and tears!” Such a reaction will lead to the fact that your child will become much weaker, he will develop fears and complexes, and he will begin to avoid all possible conflict situations.

The task of a good parent is to find a way to develop self-confidence in the child, only then will he be able to give a worthy rebuff. At the same time, it is worth remembering that you cannot rush into a fight without understanding the essence of the conflict. So be prepared to teach your child the difference between an attack without a reason and a forced defense.

Never forget that the child's psyche is very flexible and children are very susceptible to suggestion. Do not make hasty conclusions and imagine that you are treading on thin ice: be careful and careful when choosing a parenting method.

Communication skills also play a big role in developing the ability to stand up for oneself. An unsociable child who has difficulty socializing in a peer group will never learn to defend his position. Let the child go to kindergarten, development centers, and sports clubs. He should have the opportunity to contact other children and learn to interact with them.

Important

If in a preschool institution there is an unhealthy atmosphere in the children's team, then it is better to change it than to actively oppose the working methods of its employees.

Recommendation #8: Enroll your child in martial arts

Martial arts will help cultivate spirit, strength and fearlessness in a child. If a boy does them, he will become strong. Get a toned figure. Will begin to feel more confident. He will find true friends who, if anything happens, will stand up for him. And he will never be afraid of anything.

Martial arts is a very rewarding sport. It will allow your child to develop in all directions. Both physically and spiritually. Therefore, we definitely recommend enrolling your child in the martial arts section.

Rule one. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes and be optimistic!

Let's imagine dinner in kindergarten. Your child accidentally drops a plate, and it, along with the carrot casserole, flies onto the tiled floor and breaks with a bang. How will the baby react? Is he afraid that the teacher will scold him? Will he run away from the scene or will he insist that he didn’t do it? Teach your child to admit their mistakes, not to hide from responsibility, but at the same time not to make a tragedy out of what happened and to see the best in everything! Raise an optimist. After all, plates crash for luck! Nobody got cut - isn't that a miracle? The optimist kid will definitely be joined by another kid who will share his carrot casserole. After all, eating together is much more fun. And when the child gets older, the ability to take responsibility for his actions and optimism will always help him defend his “I” and find ways out of the most difficult life situations.

Rule four. Be able to say “no”.

Your deskmate asks your child to carry his briefcase, and the child agrees. Masha from a parallel class is constantly begging for sweets, and your son gives her all the sweets that you put with him. Of course, responsiveness and kindness are good qualities; you should definitely help and share with friends, but the child needs to be shown the difference between friendship and manipulation. The child must be taught to say “no” if he does not want to do something. Otherwise, he, at the same time as everyone else, or simply out of habit of giving in to his friend in everything, will not be able to say “no” when he is offered “let’s try a cigarette” or “go hit this boy.” Teach your child that he always has a choice and should not be afraid to refuse something. You need to be kind, but you cannot allow others to take advantage of this kindness.

How to teach a child to stand up for himself

Recently, at a choreography lesson in one of the schools, the teacher punished a child by forcing him to take off his pants in front of the class. And in such a situation, the child cannot protect himself! This fact was reported on the Internet by the mother of a child who also goes to this class. An internal investigation into this case is ongoing. In this regard, we turned to a psychologist with the question of how to protect a child from such situations and teach him to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate instructions from adults. How should parents behave if their child cannot stand up for himself?

1. If we instill in a child the idea that he should always and in everything obey adults (parents at home and teachers at school), we proceed a priori from the fact that the adults the child meets are good, positive, highly moral, and the like. But in life this does not always happen. Therefore, parents should also teach the child to understand that adults’ requests are different and there are instructions that the child should not follow.
2. For example, a well-known example is when a child is walking down the street and a car drives up in which a stranger offers either candy or toys. In this case, the child must understand that in such situations he should not listen to that adult and should not do what he is told.
3. In modern conditions, it is necessary to take into account that teachers at school can behave inappropriately, and parents need to talk to their children about the fact that teachers at school can also give some instructions that the child should not follow. For example, if it humiliates him, he may refuse the instruction.

Today, the task of parents is to explain to children that teachers can also behave differently: they can teach a great lesson, be good specialists, but sometimes there are situations when a teacher does something that we, as parents, consider wrong or the child thinks it is not worth doing. Therefore, in such situations it is necessary to give the child the right to choose. Of course, all this has its consequences, because in reality, most parents, like most teachers, want to have absolutely obedient children next to them, who will not debate about any requests, wishes or orders, but will carry out what they do. what adults say. And when we teach our children that adults are not always right, then we also fall into this category of adults. Because at a certain point, children may say that their father or mother is also wrong. You need to be prepared for this. But the child develops in this way, he learns independence, learns to make decisions, be responsible, monitor his personal safety and defend some ideas that he considers correct. Don't think that a child in the first grade cannot distinguish good from evil. He may not be able to justify his choice, but the basic moral concepts of good and evil are formed in a child from the age of 5. Also, a lot depends on the atmosphere in which the child is raised. Because if he constantly hears obscene language towards family members, then violence at school will not be something extraordinary and new for him. But if he is brought up in favorable conditions, then he intuitively senses which behavior is normal and which is not. The best way to teach a child how to behave in various situations is through play or modeling the situation. We can also use simulation to discuss behavior in a situation that has already happened.

Recommendation #7: Let your child know that you will always help him if necessary.

The child should know that he can always count on your support. Tell your child that if he needs help, for example during a verbal argument or fight, you will be there for him. And, if something happens, you can intervene in the situation.

For example, sit in a car and watch events unfold from there. Stand next to him, where he cannot be seen. Or watch from the windows of a nearby building.

If you are with your child in a stressful situation, he will feel more comfortable and confident. Will be able to put the offender in his place. And he will not be afraid, if something happens, to give him physical rebuff.

Rule two. Do not respond to attempts to humiliate you!

Of course, no one has ever managed to escape from teasing, nicknames and name-calling. Another question is how to respond to them. Distorting one's own last name or first name can make someone cry in the school toilet, while others can make them smile. Teach your child to ignore teasing and not to come up with nicknames for other people, because everyone has a name. You just need to internalize this truth, but not get hung up on it. If a child starts explaining to everyone with trembling lips that in fact “I have a name!!!”, this will only inflame the crowd. “Don’t react or smile back,” is an unexpected but pleasant take on name-calling from a home-grown optimist. Just imagine how this simple philosophy will help a child in the future when people say things much more offensive to him than teasing him in kindergarten.

Is it necessary to teach how to fight back against offenders?

Of course you need it! After all, the main task of parents is to raise an independent and self-sufficient person who will understand that no one should get away with an attack without reason.
But this does not mean that you need to teach your child to immediately use his fists in conflict situations. In any case, self-control will not hurt. You need to not only teach your child the ability to defend himself, but also to get out of trouble with dignity, not to be too upset by attacks and not to take them to heart.

"I always lose"

Kolya runs faster, Tanya draws better... Children love to be the first and the best and have a hard time with losing. Here you cannot do without explanations - long and constant, until you are convinced. Sample text: “It doesn’t happen that someone is always and everywhere first. Such ideal people do not exist. You can be stronger in some ways, weaker in some ways, you can do some things well, and some things you can’t – that’s normal. If you lost, it doesn’t mean that you are worse than others or somehow different. This means that someone was better prepared. For example, at the Olympics there is a champion, and there are those who took second and third place. And they are happy too. And those who did not take any place do not despair and continue to train.”

Show that you can lose gracefully. For example, when you play board games with your child at home, say: “I wish you victory. I know how upset you get when you lose. Come on, if this happens again, you will tell me: “Congratulations on your victory!” And I say to you: “Thank you! I wish you to win next time!”

And also explain that any victory must be fair. If you trip up and deceive, it’s called meanness. They will notice it anyway, no one will praise you, but on the contrary, they will condemn you, and they will be right.

Tip 4 - Learn to win over others

An interesting and simple way. Suitable even for kids. How to teach a small child to stand up for himself? Easily! We learn to share food. A small child will learn to willingly give treats to other children. And it’s always nice to receive something tasty.

For example, you can invite the offenders to a birthday party, where your child will treat them to something tasty, participate with them in competitions and general entertainment. This simple method helps bring children together.

Tip 2 - Learn to negotiate with other children

The best way to resolve a conflict situation is when we teach him to interact with other children correctly. And this means learning to negotiate with each other. At first glance, this may seem like a difficult task. But children are teachable and can easily learn this, and will get out of the situation peacefully.

But teaching a child to stand up for himself using his fists, to solve a problem with force, is not effective. There may always be someone who can give your change this way.

Sometimes, in pursuit of the goal of teaching a child self-defense, we send him to self-defense classes. Or dad teaches simple attack and attack techniques. In this case, the child will only learn to hit, that is, to injure others. Any child will always strive to demonstrate what he has learned: to show his drawings, the way he sings or dances - or the way he hits.

"No one is friends with me"

If it is difficult for a child to make friends with peers, take matters into your own hands, recommends teacher-psychologist MBOU OSH N10 Natalya Sidorova. Try to gradually expand your social circle – both yours and your children’s. Observe which of your child's classmates is the most attractive, try to make friends with his parents. Invite them to visit, go to the cinema or skating rink with your children, or take a walk in the park. At first, you may even have to actively participate in children's games to make it easier for your child to connect.

And it happens that the child repeats: all the children in the group are bad, I don’t want to be friends with anyone. Help him change his attitude towards the guys. Offer to draw yourself as a flower (girl) or a car (boy). First just the outline. And you can color each petal or detail, naming your good qualities. Kind, obedient, always sharing... Now you need to draw someone from the group next to you - according to the same scheme. And then the whole group. If one of the children lacks “good”, the kindergarten will need to take a closer look at him. Benefit? The child learns to see the good in others, feel sympathy and feel part of the team.

Sometimes children complain that no one wants to play with them.

Photo: Gennady BISENOV

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